 From Hollywood, it's time now for... Johnny Dollar. George Reed here. Oh, hello, George. How's Floyd's of England doing these days? Payments keep on the way they started this morning. The company will go broke. What's that mean? One of our old clients. Quite a character, by the way. Oh, no, wait, George. For just once, give me a case involving some nice, ordinary, normal person. No, Johnny. First, it was that old, fuss-budget, Jodiak Gillis. Yes, but now... And Big Bad Michael Meany, who thought he owned half the state of Louisiana. Well, yes, I know. But compared to them, Durango Laramie Dalhart is as normal as they come. Durango what? Except for one thing, a funny... What was the matter with it? $4,500, Johnny, and $100 bill. Desk. $100 bill? You call this character normal? Listen, will you? I'll be right over. In the Exciting Adventures of the Man with the Action-Packed Expense Account. America's fabulous freelance insurance investigator. Yours truly, Johnny Dollar. Expense account, submitted by Special Investigator Johnny Dollar. To Floyd's of England, North American offices, Hartford, Connecticut. Following is an account of expenses incurred during my investigation of the funny money matter. Expense account, item one, a dollar even. Taxi from my apartment at George Reed's office. I found him sitting, staring grimly at a pile of paper money spread around on the top of his desk. Well, there they are, Johnny. $45, $100 bills. And every one of them as phony as I've ever seen. Look at them. Yeah, yeah. See what you mean. Or return these out. Didn't even have sense enough to use the proper kind of ink. Yeah, it looks like he must have diluted it. Yeah. Have you ever seen such washed out looking money and on your life? Good tough paper, though. Just like the real McCoy. Yeah, it's real, crisp and new. But, Johnny, look at those colors. Even the black isn't really black. Yeah, yeah. You think they'd at least have tried to wrinkle them up a bit and dirty them? Yeah. This is the most obviously flagrant. What are you looking at, Johnny? Well, this is unusual for counterfeit, that is. What? Well, they've all been printed up with different serial numbers. See? Here. And here. How about that? Pretty smart. Funny, isn't it? The thing that usually makes this stuff easy to spot is the same number on all the bills. Sure. And whoever made these was clever enough to think of that. And sense enough to use good paper, too. But he certainly slipped up when it came to the color and quality of the ink. As for the press work... Well, I don't pretend to know much about phony money, George. Who needs to heaven's knows. I don't see too many hundred dollar bills. But to me, this engraving looks just about perfect. That's just what I'm saying. Perfect plates, sense enough to change the numbers, good paper, yet look at the result. Has he ever tried anything like this before? Well, Durango? Yeah. And just for the sake of the record, what is his real name? That's it. Durango Laramie Delhart. Oh, I can't believe it. And the answer to your first question is no. Durango is as honest as the day is long. Well, maybe you mean he was. Well, maybe. But if so, I want to know why. There have to be a mighty good reason, believe me. Running out of dough is the best one I could think of. But he's always had plenty. After all, $4,500 to spend on insurance year after year. Just who is he? And where is he? He lives on a ranch in Oklahoma. What kind of a ranch? I don't know. But it must be awfully big. Where in Oklahoma? A place called Bum Spong. Bum Spong? Yes. Oh, now look, George. This whole thing is beginning to get a little too thick. Durango Bum Spong Laramie Delhart. Whatever it is. Look, counterfeit money is for the secret service for her. So why don't you just put in a phone call to them? No. And let them carry the ball? No. Why? Because of Durango. I simply can't believe he deliberately hand over a lot of phony money. He's been paying on that policy for years. Always in cash? Always in cash, Chris. New, legitimate, $100 bill. Not till now. Were you here when he left these? No. Hello, Johnny. If somebody is trying to take him, it's up to us to protect him. Well, that's a big if, George, from where I stand. Johnny, we've always tried to give more personal service to our clients than some of the other companies. Look, I want you to investigate this thing for us. Without Durango's knowing, of course, on a fee plus expense account basis. Oh, an extra fee? That's not you, you old George. With you it is. You know, as well as I do, the padding that goes on your expense account is plenty fee for anybody. Oh, George, you cut me to the quick. All right. Where is Durango? Um, where is Mr. Dalhart now? Back in Bumsfung, Oklahoma. Or at least on the way. But I thought he just left this money this morning. Every year, he follows the same pattern. Comes East for a fling. You know, New York and all the night clubs, that sort of thing. Then just before leaving, he drops in here. Makes his premium payment and is gone. So? George, I still think you should have called in the secret service. But I'll take this on for just one reason. What's that? I want to find out what kind of a place could ever deserve the name of Bumsfung. Since George had already arranged for plane travel, as far as Enid, Oklahoma, item two is a mere 855 for incidentals along the way. I arrived and ended shortly after noon. Item three, 260 for lunch. Item four, $50, deposit on a rental car. And the owner of the drive-your-own agency wore a silly little smile as he gave me the directions to Bumsfung. Anyway, I headed due north on Highway 81 across the Oklahoma flatland. Some 26 miles or so further on, after passing through Pond Creek and crossing the salt fork of the Arkansas River, I spotted a rather crude weather-beaten sign indicating that the place I was looking for was somewhere up a dirt road to the left. Road? That's a laugh. And it twisted and turned for seemingly endless, rough miles along the riverbank. I just about decided that Bumsfung was a bum steer when suddenly I almost ran into the gate of an old wooden fence, surrounding some two or three acres of sandy ground. A huge ramshack of unpainted building that passed for a house. An even more dilapidated affair propped up with timbers that probably served as a barn. There were a couple of broken-down outbuildings too. And on a small, irrigated plot in the back, two cows, steers? Well, anyway, two rather sad-looking bull vines munched on the faded grass. There were some decrepit-looking chickens, a mangy old dog. There was a horse of sorts in the small corral. The windmill, its whole tower sagged with fatigue, and the rudder on it slapped ivy against the broken veins. But right next to it, in complete contrast, stood a spanking new Cadillac convertible. And on the other side of the house, hanging some flimsy prettys on a clothesline. She was maybe 23 or four, a brunette, and wearing a pair of well-tailored white riding britches and a tight-flowered silk blouse. She was slim and she was pretty, and had a couple of rose buds tucked in her hair. Hi. And about as out of place as anything I ever saw. I said, hi. It was like seeing the vision of a goddess. Holds that you left. What Durango called the gate? Oh, yeah. Durango, did you say? Don't tell me this is Bumsfunk. It sure is. Didn't you see the sign down the road? The vast acreage within this broken-down fence is the cattle ranch of Durango Laramie Dollhart, who happens to be my uncle. I'm Carol Dollhart. Who are you? Why, uh, my name's Johnny Dollhart. Dollhart? That seems to me I've heard that somewhere. Oh. What are you doing out here? Oh, just, uh, driving around, you know, summer vacation. You look like a city man. I, uh, well, I was in treatment at sign down the road. You know, curious about what Bumsfunk could mean. Bad water. Bad spring, so the Indians called it Bumsfunk. Durango liked the name, so he brought up these two acres and settled here. And this is all there is to his ranch? What's the matter with it? He likes it. But I'd had an idea. Well. Yeah? Nothing. From what you've told me, I think I'd like to meet Durango. Is he around? You're trying to kid me or something. I haven't told you anything about him. Now look, Johnny's dollar. Yeah, look! Suddenly she turned to an old cold 45 and as I ducked, she let go of it. Holy. She got him all right. A small snake that had poked up out of a hole in the ground some 25 feet away. And she'd got him right through the head with both shots. Oh, God! Durango rattlesnake? Rattlesnakes? That looks to me like a poor old gopher snake. What's left of him? So what's the difference could have been a rattlesnake? Hey, you were plenty fast with that gun. Yeah, I gotta be. For old Durango wouldn't have me on the place. No use for anybody to hand me a couple of those clothes pins, will you? I gotta get these things hung up. Yeah, sure. Here. You said you're his niece. That's right. Only one left to take care of the old budget. You live here with him? Part of the time. Oh, enough to look after him, make sure he don't get lonely, that he's got enough food in the house, that kind of thing. And I stick around when he goes out on the west coast or back east for a fling. That's where he is now. Yeah, and he's due back. Hand me that slip out of the laundry bag. Sure, there you are. I take it that convertible's yours, huh? Yeah, that was my birthday present. Oh, your family must be pretty well-heeled. Family? Durango, we're all that's left. Give me them stockings now. Sure. But certainly Durango... Fair enough. He gives me a new one every year. And this ranch is all he owns? Except for his money. Says he has a barrel of it. Well, he must have, or else... Or else what? Nothing. Go on with what you were saying. More clothes pins. Yeah, yeah. And when he kicks off, I get it all. And I can give up the filling station. Filling station? Well, you must have passed it at the side of Enid. Durango says a woman's no good unless she's got a job, so I've got a filling station. Let somebody else run it for him, though, and Durango don't know the difference. Or at least he don't care. The main thing is I'm around to keep him happy and give him somebody to cuss at, you know, man? And say, why am I shooting off my face to you this way? I don't know, but don't stop. Say, them clothes will be dry in an hour, and if you're still here, you can help me take them down. Okay. Carry that basket for me, and I'll give you a cool drink and hop. Hey, great. You say Durango is due back here, huh? Why don't save yourself time traveling by plane instead of train, I'll never... If you're just around here on vacation, I'll eat my shirt. Why'd you come here? And don't give me any guff. All right, come on. Pour me that drink, and I'll tell you what. Now, I'll tell you. If you're here to pull something on... Oh! What's that? Some of a dog blasted, blasted gopher. Easy now. Don't you easy now, me. I busted my ankle. Oh, that's just a little sprain. Here, arm over my shoulder. Okay. I don't know what I was. I killed that gopher snake back there. Then I'll carry it. You know. That's better. And hey, I'm going to get you out of here. Hey, boy, you've got muscles. You know. Over to the sofa. Maddie John. What stopped me was the inside of the ramshackle house. Clean, modern, well-furnished. Even the kitchen with its cleaning porcelain and electric range hoods your refrigerator and freezer. Modern in every way. Well, don't just stand there staring. Get some water hot and cold for this ankle. While you're at it, pour us a drink at the bar over there in the corner. I could use a good stiff snort. I did what I could to reduce the swelling in her ankle. But by the time I taped it up, if she was snoozing comfortably on the sofa, it was getting dark. So I hide myself into the well-stocked kitchen to see what I could scratch up to eat. And I'll be honest about it. With this mighty attractive patient on my hands, I've completely forgotten about my mission in these parts. The investigation of one deranged oloramy doll heart. I wasn't allowed to forget it long, though. As I opened and was about to reach into the ample freezer. Stop right there, you. There's only one way to deal with that even stealing during environment like this. No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Put that thing down. And that partner is this way. Holy, no. Hey, no, no, you're out of your mind. Of yours truly, Johnny Duller, in a moment. A number of years ago, it was said that in spite of the large population of this planet, men and women remain the most inaccessible things on it. Today, we see this lack of understanding among peoples of the world reflected in headline stories. But it isn't because the people of the world are enemies. All people want to be friends. Long before the termination of World War II, Reverend Eugene Wood, a Methodist minister from Oceanside, California, went into a Scottsdale, Arizona camp where German prisoners of war were interned and offered his services to the imprisoned men. Among other things, Reverend Wood taught the men English and he taught them about the United States of America. During the following years, after the men had been repatriated to their native Germany, nearly half of the internees corresponded frequently with Reverend Wood. Those men expressed a unique understanding of the people and the country of the United States of America. This great feeling of friendship and understanding prompted the minister to make a pilgrimage to Europe to seek out the men he had befriended in the prisoner of war camp in Arizona. This gesture on Reverend Wood's part gained him a fantastic welcome everywhere he went. In all the places he visited, he spread the gospel of love and friendship and had it returned to him. There were no enemies, only men with the love of freedom, the right of all men, everywhere. And now, act two of yours truly, Johnny Dollar and the Funny Money Matter. Here's your gun, keep it in your pocket where it belongs. One of these fancy boyfriends of yours around here. One, is this your idea of fun? Crazy gall darned fun. Look what you did to the stove. You blowed it from a hole. Yeah, an old wood stove would have held up. Five hundred nice new dollars. Hey, wait, let me see those. Yeah, what about that window and the jars on the shelf? Yeah, I'm okay here. Here, Johnny, let me wipe off some of that jam that fell on your head. Johnny, Johnny who? Johnny Dollar, and I take it your Durango Laramie Dollheart. Yeah, sure I am. Fastest shot in the country, who? Well, Pa learned how in Durango, my Ma learned how in Laramie, and I'm better than both of them was. The only thing is, I get no chance to show off no more. Durango, you crazy idiot, what's the idea? Yeah, no harm, man, no harm. Yeah, best you forget all about it. I'll get a glass. Glass, a man drinks hot at a bottle. Go ahead, Johnny. Oh, well, thanks. Bad enough a he-man has to live around all this feminine, fripsy and lace curtains and rugs all over the floor and stuff. You know, Dad Glam, well, as you like the way I've fixed up this old dumpy years, Durango. Yeah. Now, wait, I'm gonna look you, too. Yeah, you know, dang well, a man gets tired just sitting around, no matter how pretty, pretty it is. Why else do you suppose I've got to get away every now and then to San Francisco or New York or some of them places where they got some noise and excitement? You get it, right, Johnny Dollar? Just leave him out of it. Why? What's he doing here, anyhow? Well? Well, Durango, I... I'll tell you why. Because he's just driving around on his vacation and he happened to get to the end of the road and I made him come in. That's why. Thanks, girl. You got any objections? Well, I'll say this. He's got a lot more get-up and guts than most of the boys you bring around here. Man, it'll air up on the chinies, you miss. Yeah, well, I... I'm sorry about that, Durango. Sorry for what? Because you didn't act like some of them lily-livered kids she brings around, run for home? No, sir, boy, you're all right. You just care what the Sam Hill you got on your foot. Well, it's high time you noticed. Well, what happened to it? I locked you up at my ankle and I'd go for a hold. If it hadn't been for Johnny, I'd still be laying out in the yard howlin' with pain. Me, I'd seen that happen. I thought she'd broke her leg. I'd be liable to took her out and shot her. But, Johnny, boy, you've done a real good job on my little ticket. Hey, honey, I have to get back on the sofa. No, now, let Johnny... He's a lot dabbler. And besides, I kinda like him. You hear that, Johnny? You better look out when a pretty girl starts talking to you like that. Here's your affixin' to get last hootin' throne. Well, I can think of a lot worse than that. Durango, you just shut up and fix us up in the middle. We're hungry. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. No sooner or you get back here, some woman starts givin' me orders. Take it easy, now. Oh, I don't need help. I'm feelin' fine now. I just wanted to talk to you. Now, you should have stayed on that sofa. I've missed all the fun. Fun, you too. Here, now. Oh, thanks. It's just beside me, Johnny. Well, sure, why not? Oh, none of that much stuff. That isn't what I meant. Oh, I can't see as I'd mind it with you, Johnny. Well, now, if that isn't an invitation... Hey, here's a nice date for a couple of chops from every some plantation beans to bid me up, you all right? Just make it good and take your time, or shall I do it? Yeah, that woman I can cook better than you any time. Johnny, before you start that... What's the matter with some lights in there, you kid? It's gettin' dark. Just mind your own affairs. And I warn you, Johnny, you better watch out for yourself. Yeah, I'll risk it, Durango. You don't want the light, do you, Charon? You know what I want? What? I don't know why you've come out here to bump a spon. Can't that wait? Right, you got somewhere else to go and you're gonna be pretty late for the time we met. Or I might as well bunk here tonight. That's plenty of room. What do you say? Sure, Durango. Thanks, thanks a lot. And, uh, Charon... You haven't asked me my questions, Johnny. Tomorrow, I'll not tell you tomorrow, when we can be alone. As much as I wish we were. You mighty cute guys, Johnny. You don't know me, Charon. I'm really just an old wolf. Oh, I don't believe it. I don't... Just one of the roses fell out of my hair. I'm nervous. With buns of roses in her hair and kisses. What's that? I have the roses in my hair. What about the rest? I don't think you find that. You're not on the job while you're waiting. Oh, for me and the hurry, too much of a hurry. And the mean itself, enough for an army. And to see him pack it away, you think he'd been out on the range for years. Yes, sir. Nothing like coming home to give you an appetite. Yeah, scoop yourself up to more beans, Johnny. I still hadn't made any progress in my investigation and encouraged him to talk about himself. He did willingly. And how much of it was true was something else again. Said he left his father's little farm in Colorado to hunt for gold. Said he found it, too, a lot of it. Claimed he'd use that money exploring for oil while cutting. That everything he touched had turned to money. That he'd made and banked so much he could never spend it all. That's why he'd go on those flanks to San Francisco and New York just to get rid of it. Then come back here to this little plot of ground and rest up for the next excursion to the big city. His only regret was he was too old to make the new west like the old west. Yes, sir. I was 20 years younger. I'd ride a horse into dark city and show all them law and order. I'd show them just exactly how it was in the old days. Like I read about in a magazine. But if all this were true, why the counterfeit money? Those phony, washed-out $100 bills I'd seen on George Reed's desk. The bed in the guest room was as comfortable as my own, but I couldn't get to sleep. Fortunately, for long after the house was dark, it must have been close to midnight, I heard the door of Durango's room open, heard him sneak out of the house the back way. Quickly, as quietly as I could, I slipped on trousers and shoes, stuck along my gun and went after him. From the back porch, I could see that there was a light on one of the small outbuildings. With my ear pressed tightly to the side of the little shack, I could hear it only two plainly. The printing press on which Durango was turning out the phony money. No question about it. And I was sorry. Kind of begun to like the old carrier here. To say nothing, it was beautiful. Johnny, huh? Carol. What are you doing out here? If it's a walk in the moonlight you want, why didn't you ask your home with that? Carol, listen. I'll lay my cards right on the table. What I really came to this place for was to find out, well, it was right here inside this little shack. And now that I've found out, I've... Johnny, you'll break his heart. He thinks nobody knows about this. Oh, of course he does. He's been doing it ever since. And he thinks that even I don't know about it. Oh, but... Oh, Johnny, please, you'll spoil everything. Why not? It's about time, isn't it? He means no harm to anybody. What do you mean no harm? Are you kidding? Or maybe you're in this whole thing with him. Are you? Oh, no, but I don't see what difference it would make. Johnny, Johnny, baby. Oh, don't pull that stuff. It's time for a showdown. Harry, what's the racket? What's going on up there? Why are you going reload down, sneaking coyote? All right, all right, Durango. Just cut it and stand where you are. What are you doing with that gun? I only hope you won't make it necessary for me to use it. Open up that door, Durango. I want to see what you've got inside there. Go ahead and I'll open it. Yeah. Now, look, son, there ain't no harm in what I'm doing in there. No harm? That seems to be a pat phrase around here. Well, it's just that, uh, well, ever since I made my pile everywhere I'd go, I'd spend a lot of money. So you told me at great length. Always, uh, maybe to sort of show an awful bit, but when I'd draw it out of the bank, I'd make them give me brand new money. You know, impressed the folks. Like a big shot up in Hartford, where I pay my insurance for Carol here every year. In brand new $100 bills, supposedly. That's right, and no supposites. But this last insurance payment to Georgia. Yeah, yeah, I know. But, Johnny, it wasn't my fault. The bank didn't have some nice new ones for me. And they couldn't get them in time either, so I had to. Well, this was the next best. Oh, that's a like. Johnny, please. Open that door. Yeah, go on. I kept hoping nobody'd find you. Come on. Open it. Okay. Undo the... That's the working machine there. And that's the soap and plenty of strong bleach and the starch to make them nice and crisp. Oh, no. And that there is the iron and board, where I press them out real nice and flat. They'll never believe it. But it does make them look real pretty and new. Honest, Johnny. I didn't think it was no harm in it. Well, there you have it, George. Full report on the funny money that turned out to be only cleaned up a bit. And the next time, crawl in the Secret Service, will you? Oh, no, I didn't mean that. Just don't question the charges on this account for the extra week I've spent out here. If you can see this, pretty little Carol. Oh, that Carol. And if I ever get enough money, so help me. I think I'll retire to Bum Spong, Oklahoma. Expense account total including incidentals on the trip back to Hartford 171-25. Yours truly, Johnny Dollar. Now here is our star to tell you about next week's story. Next week, we'll just remember one thing, that old saying about a cat having nine lives. And be sure to join us, won't you? Yours truly, Johnny Dollar. Be sure to join us next week. Save time and station for another exciting story of yours truly, Johnny Dollar. This is Dan Coverley speaking.