 Every Thursday my mother would put us to bed early because on Thursdays was payday And my dad as a low-paid worker got paid in cash, and he would always go to the pub Spending money that they couldn't afford to spend and he'd go to the pub drinking and come home drunk and my mother knowing that when he came home drunk it often ended in Arguing aggression and violence put us all to bed early on Thursdays On this particular Thursday night to remember we were all in bed my younger sisters were fast asleep My dad never touched the girls that I know of my dad was never violent that I know of to my younger sisters But only to us the four boys of which I was the youngest of the four boys This particular Thursday night my dad came home drunk. He must have been about 10 11 at night and within Within minutes the violence began and we always knew the violence was about to begin because the dog would sense it The dog would begin to yelp and cry and bark and then the violence would kick in the dog was like a canary in the coal mine Sensing this Violence and the dog would be so terrified That it would just react and then it would go for and start trying to bite my father and then he kicked the dog And that's what happened this particular Thursday night. We four boys were upstairs terrified Hearing this commotion my mom was screaming And we could hear the violence and stuff flying around and shouting and swearing and My brothers decided to go down and help my mother because it sounded on this night like he was killing her Then he just went quiet I didn't know what had happened, but my older brother Terry came upstairs and told me that he punched my dad and knocked him out And that they were leaving the house. I Didn't want that meant But within seconds it seemed that my three brothers and mother left the house and left me upstairs in bed And I was there in the house on my own my sisters fast asleep and they were safe because he never touched them And I was just so terrified But when my dad woke up he would come up and beat me up because that's What he normally did he would take it out on the boys and I was the only one left in the house It would be about midnight after at this time my mom and three brothers had just gone and I remember being in my bed terrified shaking in fear Not knowing what to do I crept around the bedroom It seemed forever to not make any noise to get dressed to put clothes on and I decided that I would Escape from the house, but I couldn't go downstairs. So I climbed out of the bedroom window. This would be Probably one in the morning. I climbed out the bedroom window and I gripped onto the drain pipe next to my window and And slid down the drain pipe. I remember Scarring all my legs on the way down and I just took off into the night and my plan was to Go to two houses on the council say where we lived where I thought my mom and brothers could possibly have gone for refuge And I thought if I see lights on in those homes, maybe they're there and I'll go and knock at the door And I'll I'll be safe. I went to both these houses. No lights on no one there. I didn't know what to do I remember distinctly as I've been thinking about this story in Recent weeks was I've rewritten this book. I'm not my father. I Remember standing Outside those two homes at the dead of night and it was November December it was freezing and Being afraid to knock at the door Knowing that my family may or may not be there in case they weren't there and I still have to tell them why I'm there I remember feeling What I know now was shame Fear and shame That I Would expose what was going on in my home and the fear that my dad would kill me I'm the shame. I felt I would bring to my family by Telling these relatives Why was it their daughter one in the morning because my father was beating my mother and I wanted to somehow Protect his reputation. I don't know what that was Anyway, I didn't know what to do. I'm just on the streets. I'm freezing didn't know where my family were couldn't go back home. I Wanted the streets for a Good couple of hours and then I was so cold. I found an old burnt-out car I had no windows in All the whole street burnt off the seats and I just curled upon the springs that were left on the back seat of the car and I curled up in a ball and I Spent the night there. I didn't I didn't know what else to do. I was so so cold I Felt so Afraid and the next morning when daylight came and I heard activity outside. I Kind of guessed it was school time and I went straight to school from that burnt-out car No one asked me anything of course because I just showed up. It wasn't school uniform in those days It has showed up in my regular clothes Thinking I'd just go home at the end of the day So I went straight to school from that burnt-out car. I remember being So worried that someone would know something and somebody would Make me talk about it And I would have to expose my family And I got through the day and I went home and my mom was there my brothers were back My dad was at work and it kind of just all Carried on my mother couldn't believe that I'd left the home. She'd been out of her mind all day Worrying about me. She said not knowing What had happened is what I just told you now and I tell you this because That's story and I have very few about my childhood That story has helped me connect some of the dots between the trauma of that evening I'm the sense of Abandonment I think I felt I think the sense of abandonment I felt as an eight-year-old boy Alone in that way and I think it's explained to me why you're my adult life I have not trusted people and At this independence and this survival mode and this to hell with you towards people that I Just knew would let me down abandon me not be there for me. I Never believed people when they said to me they had my back or they Would stand up for me or they come through for me. I never believed them And I think that tendency I have even in my midlife Is rooted in That kid that night the eight-year-old me shinning down that drain pipe terrified for my life and it's deeply cementing into me. I suppose imprinting on my Mind my emotions that night That I am not safe. I am not seen I'm not important. I don't matter and you're on your own And I think Recovering that memory and sitting with it. I've never sat with it. I've never sat with it till this last Few weeks and months as I've rewritten the book has helped me begin to unpack some of my Narratives through my life some of my default books through my life But I don't think have often served me well. I Don't know What benefit this story is to you guys apart from me saying to you? I think we all have things in our childhood Hopefully not as traumatic as mine But if we willing to go there and sit with it, I think have the potential to Explain something to us about our lives our relationships how we've lived our health our mental health and so on There may be a key to our recovery and I'm moving on and flourishing in life Better than we could if we didn't do the work that I'm talking to you about that I've been doing in recent months around this area I hope that story was not too traumatic for you all and somehow Can be of assistance to you guys in your journey as you Continue to say I am not my father and here's why