 I got out of therapy about two hours ago. I usually try to record these videos as soon as I get out of therapy but I had a day. Today was my first therapy session in like a month. I haven't had therapy since July 13th I believe. In fact the last Thursday therapy video that I uploaded was recorded in July. That was the July 13th video that I just hadn't uploaded because July was just a crazy month for me and if you look at my videos you know that I didn't really upload much in July at all because it was just a crazy month. I have the mental capacity to sit down and edit and upload anything. So I didn't but today we resumed my therapy sessions and we didn't even get to touch on half of the shit that I need to touch on but because usually after my therapy sessions I feel a lot lighter like a weight was just lifted but today I just feel is a different feeling like I don't feel that that light feeling that I usually feel and that's because I still have so much weight on me that I need to get out. So these next few sessions should be good and I couldn't even record right after I got out of therapy because I was just still very emotional. I was driving and crying and stuff so y'all know me. I'm not about to get on camera boo-hoo in. You know if some tears fall while I'm talking that's one thing but it's hard for me to get on camera like really just sobbing. I had to get myself together first so I just reached home but I said let me record this now because once I get inside I know I'm gonna get distracted and start doing things. Today's session you know I didn't really even come on here to talk about what I talked about in therapy today because to be honest I don't want to share that but one of the things that came to me while driving that I got from my therapy session is just we grieve the loss of many things not just a loss in form of death of a loved one but we grieve in many ways for many things people places like you can grieve through any type of loss a loss is a loss you know I realized that my goodness I don't want the waterworks to start again but I realized that I never really thought about it in that way before like once I came back home last year February it was just straight out of okay I'm in danger too I'm safe physically I'm physically safe I'm home I'm with family I never really thought about everything that I lost in order to get back here in terms of grieving it I don't know if that makes sense but anybody that knows me knows that I am a planner I always have a goal and I can tell you what I'm gonna do to reach this goal I have accomplished every goal I've set for myself since high school literally like there's nothing that I've said back in high school that I wanted to do that I didn't do in terms of knowing that I still want to do it now yes your plans like your goals can change based on your interest if you realize you're no longer interested in something or you no longer want something that's different but everything that I set out for myself to accomplish I did it and by the age of 25 I had a house a car I thought I was in a happy healthy relationship and I was pregnant with my first child like I thought that I was creating the life that I wanted that I'm that I always dreamt of and that was a loss like I literally let me rephrase that because I've been doing a lot of journaling like since I wasn't going to therapy I journal regardless but lately I've been journaling a lot just to get things out of my head and to try and process my thoughts and one of the things I journaled about I think last week is that acknowledging that I knew that I know that God had to strip me of everything in order for me to be here right now like there was no way I could have hold on to all of the stuff that I've accumulated throughout the years and still leave that toxic situation God literally stripped me of it all all the physical stuff all of the baggage that was associated with him and don't get me wrong like I am truly grateful and I do not I would never trade my safety and my peace of mind for that stuff like I would not but at the same time I've never acknowledged that it was a loss like I something that I worked hard for something that was meaningful to me something that was an accomplishment overall I had to give that up I had to I lost it and I never grieved any of it I never truly sat down and just processed the emotions associated with that loss so this morning I was sitting outside and just meditating pretty much and I realized that I've only been back here a year and a half and this is me talking to myself I'm like you've only been back here a year and a half why are you being so hard on yourself things that took you years to accomplish you're trying to accomplish within a year give yourself grace okay like you're not in a race you're not on a strict timeline a deadline nothing everything happens in its divine time in and God did not strip you of all those things to keep you in suffering he stripped you of all those things to save your life and what's to come will be ten times better be patient it's only been a year be patient and those are things I have to remind myself of because when you're going through it it's hard in the moment to think about that aspect of it you know and I am trying to well I'm not trying I am being more intentional of reminding myself to be patient and to give myself grace and to just nurture my situation my current situation like I can't even like I said I don't really want to talk about what we talked about in therapy today because it's just a little sensitive but it's been rough in a different light lately you know we go through different phases and stages and we all have these obstacles but the obstacle that I'm facing right now is not an easy one as a mother and there are days where I am just so out of it and so drained that I cannot mentally think about the positive you know I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna cry but I am choosing that even in the even in these difficult times to be patient with myself and give myself the break that I need when I need it you know because I try to worry about everything and make sure everybody else around me is good and like when someone's helping me or I have to ask a favor of someone else as it pertains to helping me with my children or whatever I feel like I have to make it as easy as possible for them even though I do it the hard way every day on my own if your mother maybe you understand what I mean like you don't want anyone you don't want to feel like you're a burden on anyone so even though you need the help you're trying to make it as easy as possible for that person that alone is hard to like I have to learn to just let go and let things be and know that once my children are safe happy and healthy that's all that matters and so I'm gonna take my break and I'm going to try and mentally reset a little bit and come back with my cup running over so that I can be better for myself better for my children and better for everybody in my immediate circle you know because listen this month has been last month has been so hard like I was literally walking around feeling heavy and angry and irritated I'm not that I'm not that person you know and I even found myself being angry with myself as well for feeling like that and knowing the cause of that anger and not being able to just let it go in that moment but letting go is a process you know it doesn't happen overnight especially when it when it's something so delicate something so sensitive something even so traumatic anyways I don't want this to be a long video I'm trying to I want to start keeping these therapy Thursday videos short so that is not too much to edit because I'm actually thinking about doing therapy Thursday once a month instead of every week or maybe biweekly because I am I there's a lot of changes I'm making right now in my life to try and make things a little easier for me instead of other people and because I have so many different interests and so many different things I'm working on at once I need to start prioritizing and organizing so that I could be mentally more at ease so yeah I'm working through that right now along with other stuff anyways if you're watching this and and have been thinking about going to therapy let this be your reminder to start it's very helpful and it's great to have an unbiased ear and unbiased not even opinion because their job is not really to give you their opinion but someone to help you navigate your feelings your thoughts your actions your reactions etc so therapy works know that anyways to all of my melanated women protect your womb by any means necessary and to everyone watching protect your peace by any means necessary I wish you all love light and prosperity and you'll see me in my next video