 Hey, Don. Don. Yes, Jack. How long before we're on the air? About eight seconds. That long? Gee, I can't wait till I pull that first joke. Oh, brother, it'll kill him. But, Jack, it's such an awful... Don, never mind. There's a signal. The Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes Program coming to you from the Army Air Force's pilot school at Stockton, California. I'm starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. End of a perfect day, that peace and contentment which comes with the evening. But did you ever stop to think it may all depend on how you start the day? If you get through your morning's work in high, you're over the worst hurdle. And that's why breakfast is so important. You haven't had a thing to eat for 10 or 12 hours, so your breakfast should be a well-rounded nourishing meal. Nutrition experts agree on that, and they also agree it should include a cereal with whole grain food values. Well, you can't do better than feature Grape Nuts or Grape Nuts Flakes. For both of these delicious cereals, do provide whole grain nourishment. Iron, niacin, vitamin B1, plus protein. So crisp, crunchy Grape Nuts or delicate, toasty brown Grape Nuts Flakes make an ideal breakfast dish. Cram full of nourishment, cram full of flavor. Eat a good breakfast, do a better job. And for a really swell start, feature multi-rich Grape Nuts or Grape Nuts Flakes. Boy, I can't wait. And now, ladies and gentlemen, from the Army Air Force Pilot School at Stockton, California, we bring you... Don, never mind the introduction. I want to get to that first joke. And here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, Don, let's not keep waiting. Let's get into that gag. Go ahead, Don. Ask me how I got up to Stockton. Oh, Jack, that's such an awful... Don, Don, ask me how I got up to Stockton. Okay. Say, Jack... Yes, Don. Jack, how did you get up to Stockton? I came on foot. Now, wait a minute, fellas. That's not the joke yet. Wait a minute, that isn't it. No. Now, go ahead, Don. Ask me why I came on foot. Jack Benny, you ought to be ashamed. Don, ask me why I came on foot. Oh, all right. Say, Jack... Yes, Don. Why did you come up to Stockton? Why did you come on foot? Because I came through the Sand Walking Valley. Get it, fellas? Get it? Sandwalk team on foot? Walking? It's a little subtle, you know, but it's... No, really, but it's clever, huh? Jack, maybe I don't know much about comedy, but if that's a clever joke, I'll eat the buttons off your shirt. I'm sorry, Don, but the laundry beat you to it. And don't tell me what's clever or funny because... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hi, fellas. What are you sneering a Don for? Oh, he tried to tell me that that Sandwalking Valley gag isn't... Jack, for heaven's sake, you didn't tell that one here, did you? Why not? It's very funny. If that joke is funny, I'll... You're too late. The laundry beat you to it. Anyway, what's the matter with you and Don? That's the kind of stuff these guys love. They really laugh at a gag like that. They wouldn't laugh at that gag if Colonel Higgs told it. Oh, yeah, well, Colonel Higgs told it to me. Now, let's forget it. Okay. Say, Mary, how do you like being up here at this Army airfield? Oh, it's wonderful, Don. The pilots here are such a nice bunch of fellas. Oh, they certainly are. Yeah, I met one this morning. I said, hello. He said, how do you do? I said, how are you? And he said, how about a kiss? Mary, you mean he kissed you so fast? Fast. Around here, they call him Wallflower. Wallflower, Mary, nobody could kiss a girl faster than that. They couldn't, huh? When I was coming over here from the P.X., a group of pilots passed me. They said, hello. I said, how do you do? And they showed me. Mary, stop making things up. I'm not. Even the Colonel warned me. The Colonel warned you? Yeah. He said if I see any guy around here with puckered lips and he isn't carrying a bugle, watch out. Well, that explains it. This morning, the whole camp looked like Tommy Dorsey's brass section. Anyway, Mary, we're up here to entertain the boys, so let's... Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Dennis, what are you so excited about? I just asked a pilot how high they fly around here, so he took me up to show me. Really? Yeah, we went up to 10,000 feet and then 20,000 feet and then we went up to 30,000 feet and from then on, I had to take his word for it. Take his word for it? Yeah, I dropped my tape measure. Well, that's logical. Well, now that you're here, Dennis, how about a song? Okay, but first, Mr. Benny, ask me how I came up to Stockton. What? Ask me how I came up to Stockton. Dennis, I'm not sure... Jack, you did it. Give him a chance. Oh, okay. All right, Dennis, how did you come up to Stockton? By bus. Well, that I don't get at all. I haven't finished it yet. Now, ask me why I came up by bus. Dennis, I haven't got time. Jack. All right, Dennis, why did you come by bus? Because if I came on foot, I'd have to tell that lousy joke. That's not a lousy joke and go ahead and sing. Okay. I never met a kid like that. No sense of humor at all. It used to be if wasn't clear. Hey, very good, Dennis. You sang that beautifully. What's your opinion against all my fans? No use waiting. I'll have to have a talk with that kid. Say, Jack, when you talk to him, be sure to tell him about Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes. Don, Dennis knows all about Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes. He does not. He does too. I do not. Dennis, what has Mr. Wilson been yelling about for the past two years? More money. Look, Dennis, Mr. Wilson's been talking about those molly-rich, sweet-as-a-nuts, Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes. That's right, Dennis. Mr. Benny's right. You're just siding in with him because you want more money. Well, now I've heard everything. No, Dennis, I don't want more money. What? No, no, I didn't mean that. Hey, Don, Jack's got witnesses. Mary, I don't need witnesses. Don's perfectly happy with his salary. Aren't you, Don? And now, fellas, tonight, tonight we have a surprise for you. For our feature attraction, we are... Here I am, Jackson. Hi, you fellas. Well, hello, Phil. How are you, Phil? I was outside. Am I too late to save this show? What do you mean save the show? Well, I was sitting out in the car and I heard the first part of it. A man walking valley joke. Oh, ha-ba, ha-ba, ha-ba. Oh, ha-ba. Ha-ba? Listen, what's the matter with that joke? Listen, Jackson, they write funnier stuff than that on Tombstone. Oh, stop. Look, if you want to make these guys laugh, give them some real humor. Oh, fine. I mean, that sharp stuff. Now, get a load of this. Say, fellas, did you hear about the flying cadets that went to the burlase show? Phil, please. I wanted to see how they could take off on such a short runway. You're so lovely and you're not even trying. That wasn't bad. No kidding, Phil. Did you make that up yourself? Sure, Jackson. Anytime you want that Mark Twain twist, come and see me. Well, that one was all right. See, that reminds me, Phil, I've been looking for you ever since we got into Stockton Thursday. Where are you living? I got a table at Mattione's. Mattione's? Yeah, Jack, that's the place in town where all the boys go dancing. Where the boys go dancing? Oh, I saw girls there, too. Well, naturally, the boys aren't going to dance without girls. Of course not, Dennis. Mr. Benny's right. Oh, you're just trying to get more money. Dennis, when you don't know what you're talking about, be quiet. Phil, what is this Mattione's you mentioned? Well, it's the... I was there last night, Jack. One of the pilots took me. Oh, what kind of a place is it? Well, I don't know just how to describe it, but getting in is basic training. Dancing is blind flying, and when you leave, you're washed out. You nearly washed out that joke there for me. Hey, I must go there sometime. Me, too. Me? I'm Heumann Peabody in short settlement. Oh, yes, you belong to the carpool with my gang. Herman, how'd you get up to Stockton? Oh, no, you don't. What? You're not going to force me into that joke. I didn't mean that, but you're an insurance salesman. You only belong to the carpool with my gang. I mean, when they started off for Stockton, why didn't you get out of the car? Oh, I couldn't do that. You got a lot of nerve taking advantage of Herman like this. I want you to give him back his car and apologize to him. Okay, I'm sorry, Herman. Dennis, give him his car keys. Here you are, Mr. Peabody. And here, Herman, here are your gas coupons. There you are, Herman. This is awful. What's the matter now? You got your gas coupons. You got your keys and you've got your car. I don't know how to drive. Well, now I'm all confused. Herman, if you don't know how to... Answer that, will you, Mary? Okay. Hello? Oh, hello, Miss Livingston. This is Rochester. Where is it Rochester? Will you tell Mr. Benny I'm in Stockton? I just got in. You just got in? What made the train so late? I didn't come by train. I was on Highway 99 Freelancing. Yes, ma'am. Why? Well, instead of a train ticket, Mr. Benny gave me a road map. A short talk on the generosity of the American motorists. Say that's all Mr. Benny gave you? No, he also gave me a white glove for night operation. Well, that's the worst... Who is it, Mary? Rochester. He just made Stockton the hard way. Oh, let me talk to him. Hello, Rochester. Hello, boss. I made pretty good time and you were right. I was right about what? That if you lie down in the middle of the highway, nine out of ten cars will stop. Oh, that, why, sure. But when the tenth car comes along, it pays to be nimble. Well, look Rochester, where are you now? I'm in your room at the hotel. Good. Be sure and hang up all my clothes so the wrinkles will get out of me. Okay. Do you want me to press your pearl grey suit? I left that in Beverly Hills. My pearl grey suit isn't here. Oh, yes it is. I didn't come up in my underwear. Rochester, why did you wear my suit up here? Well, mine's at the cleaners and the man wouldn't give them to me on account of my unpaid balance, which is overdue from 42. You mean he won't let you have your suit because you own some money? That's what he said. That's what the man said. He said that. Well, Rochester, get everything straightened up there at the hotel and I'll see you after the broadcast. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye. I'd like to go someplace just once and have everything go right. That was a quick fade played by Phil Harris and his orchestra. Very good too, Phil. Very good. And now, ladies and gentlemen, just before I left Hollywood, I was at the Brown Derby having breakfast with Bob Holt. And as it started to get dark outside, Bob said to me... As it started to get dark outside, I thought you were having breakfast. We were, but until that guy picks up a check. Oh, brother. Well, anyway, when I told Holt, we were going to play the Army airfield at Stockton. He told me to be sure and say hello to his brother, Sergeant George Holt, who was stationed here. I told him I would, and not only that, I've asked him to come up here and say hello. And here he is, Bob Holt's brother, Sergeant George Holt. Hello, everybody. Well, George, it's nice to have you here with us. And incidentally, when I saw your brother, Bob, he had a hurry away on a tour. Your brother sure plays a lot of camps, doesn't he? Yeah, in fact, I enlisted in the Army, so I'd get to see him. Well, tell me, George, are there just you and Bob in the family? Oh, no, there's seven brothers, Jack. There's Bob, Jack, Ivor, Fred, Sid, Jim, and me. Seven boys, huh? Not even one, sister? Oh, sure, one. What's her name? Poor Miriam. Oh, come, George. Poor Miriam isn't your sister. She's the gal who can't get a date. Yeah, she's a female sad sack. That's what I thought. Well, George, when I see Bob again, I'll tell him that I saw you and you're looking fine. Thanks, Jack, and tell him I miss him a lot. You know, I don't even get to hear Bob's program. You don't? No, I haven't got a radio. What? You mean to say you never get a chance to hear Bob Holt's program, your own brother? No. Well, that's a shame. I'll tell you what, George, you sit right down here and we'll put on one of his programs, especially for you. You will? Yes, sir. Hey, kids, come here. We're going to put on a Bob Holt program. Now, I'm going to be Bob. Mary, you'll be Frances Langford. Okay. Dennis. Yes, please. Dennis, you'll be Professor Kelowna. Professor Kelowna? Yeah, I wish you told me that this morning. Why? I would have raised a mustache. Hey, silly. Now, it so happens that we have no girl to play the part of Vera Vague. So, Phil... Hey, wait a minute, Jackson. I ain't going to play the part of no dame there. Why not? Gee, in Charlie's aunt, I play the part of a woman. Yeah, but you've got the shape for it. But you've got the curls. Never mind, Phil. You're going to be Vera Vague in that set of this. All right, Don, introduce the program. Well, here we go, George. Are you excited? I sure am. Take it, Don. Well, the armed forces at the Stockton Army Air Force Pilot School, we bring you the Pepsi on that show. Starring Bob Benny. Oh, thank you so much. How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? This is Bob Stockton Airfield Benny, telling you all to use Pepsi or nuts because it's got what it takes, and after you brush your teeth, you can eat those flakes. Or, this is Bob Air Force Benny telling all you aviators that Pepsi or nuts will give your face that gleam, and then when you smile, all the Stockton babes will come in on the beam. Or... I thought I had another one. Yes, sir, Stockton Airfield. The boys here love this camp. What other camp is there where a soldier can get leave, wash up, get a shave and a haircut, shine and a manicure? Then go into Stockton, spend a lovely evening standing on the street corner howling at the moon. You fellow howlers. And here comes Francis Langston. I mean, living for. I mean, here's Francis. Hello, Bob. Hello, Francis. How do you like it here in Stockton? Fine, fine, Bob. I like it much better than Hollywood, but that's because of the men here. They're different. Wait a minute, Francis. What do you mean the men are different? Well, all the men in Hollywood are wolves. Now, wait a minute. I resent that. After all, I'm a Hollywood man. I don't look like a wolf, do I? No, you look more like a gopher with an inferiority complex. Hey, Bob Hope shows going as good as ours, you know? And now, Francis Langford will sing, I Couldn't Sleep a Wink Last Night. I Couldn't Sleep a Wink Last Night Thank you, Francis Langston. Well, Sergeant Hope, how do you like it so far? Well, you ain't heard nothing yet, George, because here comes Professor Kelowna. Hello, Professor. Greetings, Gek. Did you gain weight? Tell me, Kelowna, are you enjoying yourself here at camp? Ah, yes, but I really came to visit my brother. And now, much to my surprise, I found that my brother was washed out. Your brother was washed out? What was wrong? Too little IQ? No, too much B.O. Look, Kelowna, I've got a secret for you. There's no place on this program for a jackass. He got. Don't tell me you're quitting. Never mind that, brushmush. Suppose you sing a song for us. Ah, yes. Music, please. Ruff road, wasn't it? When it comes up like the night. Very good, Colonel. Kelowna, and now I've got a job for you. Remember the big surprise we planned for the soldiers here? The big surprise we planned for the soldiers here? Ah, yes, we're supposed to act out a play. Kelowna, you fool, that was supposed to be a secret. You let the cat out of the bag. Sir, you're speaking of the woman I love. Well, look, Kelowna, we need a leading lady for our play, and I want you to go out and find one. Ah, yes. Goodbye now. I'll be back soon with a female goon. Hey, George. George, how do you like it now? Well, uh... Add up, boy, and pretty soon, we're gonna have... Yoo-hoo, Mr. Ho! Why, it's fair! Me and the flesh. Well, it's a shame they gave you such a sloppy fitting. You look like an Antica from Man-Tica. Oh, you dear, dear boy, bless your little heart, yes. You must have come over sometime, and I'll open up a gas jet. Oh, you're cooking. Say, I wonder what's taking Kelowna so long. Hello? Hello, Ho. Speaking. Hello, speaking. Put Ho-Fan. This is Ho. What's up, Professor? Great news, Ho. I found a leading lady for your play. I found her here in New York. Now, wait a minute. New York is 3,000 miles away, and you left here only two minutes ago. How did you get there so fast? Took the Stockton bus! Oh, so you took the Stockton bus. Did you get a seat? Huh? Did you get a seat on the bus? Naive little character, isn't he? Well, Kelowna, what's the name of the leading lady? Some kid called Cleopatra. Kelowna, Cleopatra's been dead for thousands of years. Have you got Cleopatra with you? She's only a mummy. You mean she's not alive? Of course not. Get off my lap, honey. You're a little too late. As long as you won't do, find another girl and call me again. You know, Francis, someday that professor's gonna... Hello, Bob Ho, speaking. Who? Bob Ho. Who? Bob Ho. No, no, Mr. Bibi. Why don't we be satisfied with what we've got and just do the best we can? Imagine phoning right before the finale. Thank for the memory. We've had a lot of fun. We're sorry that it's done, but now our show is over and we really have to run. So thank you so much. Yes, Herman. Can I call on you tomorrow morning? I have something very interesting to do. I'm sorry, Herman, but I'm tied up tomorrow morning. Oh, how about tomorrow afternoon? Well, I have a date for tomorrow afternoon. Oh. How about tomorrow night? Now, Herman, the fact is that I just can't afford to buy any more insurance. Buy it? Well, a couple of weeks ago, you told me to eat grape nuts. Yes, Herman, but... Well, I've done so much better that I want to give you an insurance policy. Oh, well, well, Herman, that's very kind of you and I'm glad that my advice worked out so well. And friends, it's true, eat a good breakfast and you'll do a better job. And crisp, molly-rich grape nuts make a top-notch breakfast treat. Or grape nuts bring you all around whole-grain nourishment. You get iron, niacin, extra vitamin B1, plus proteins as well. So eat a good breakfast, do a better job. And for distinctive flavor, texture, and nourishment, featured tempting grape nuts. Well, fellas, we've had a wonderful day here. I want to thank Colonel Higgs, Lieutenant Parnell, Lieutenant Harris, and Sergeant George Holt. Next Sunday night, we'll be broadcasting from Vancouver, British Columbia for the opening of Canada's sixth war-loan drive. Oh, Jack, Jack, Bob Holt must have heard the show. Here's a wire from him. Oh, well, read it to me. You don't read this kind of a wire. Just twist it around your neck. Oh, good night, everybody.