 Preface in Chapter 1 of the Life of St. Teresa. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Ann Boulet. The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus, translated by the Reverend John Dalton. The Preface of St. Teresa. I would have wished that as my superiors commanded me and gave me full liberty to describe the method of prayer, and the favors which our Lord had bestowed upon me, they had also permitted me to mention, clearly and in detail, my great sins and wicked life. This would have given me great consolation, but they would not allow me. Rather, they restrained me in this particular. And therefore I beg, for the love of our Lord, that whoever shall read this discourse of my life will notice how very wicked it has been, so much so, that I have not found any saint amongst all those who have been converted to God, from whose example I might draw a consolation. For I consider that after our Lord had called them to virtue, they no more offended him. Whereas I not only became worse, but rather it seems to me, I even studied how to resist the favors his divine majesty had bestowed upon me. And though I was one who saw herself obliged to serve him the more, yet I was convinced within myself I was unable to make any return, for the least part of what I owed him. May he be blessed forever, who waited for me so long, I beseech him with my whole heart to give me grace that I may, with all clearness and truth, make this relation which my confessors have commanded me, and which I know even our Lord himself has long desired, but I could not dare to venture upon it. I hope that now it may tend to the glory and praise of his majesty, and also that my confessors, having hereby a clearer knowledge of me, may henceforth assist my weakness, that so I may be able to repay some little portion of what I owe to our Lord, whom may all creatures praise forever. Amen. Therese dehesu. End of the preface. Chapter 1 The saint mentions how our Lord began to excite her soul, in her childhood, to virtuous actions, and what great help her pious parents were to her. As I had virtuous parents, and such as feared God, this would have been sufficient, together with the other favors our Lord bestowed upon me, to have made me good, if I had not been so wicked. My father took great delight in reading good books, and he had them in Spanish, that his children might be able to read them. In this circumstance, together with the care my mother took to make us say our prayers, and to show us the way of being devout to our Lady and some other saints, began to affect me when I was about six or seven years old, to the best of my remembrance. I was also assisted by observing, I should receive no favors from my parents, except I was virtuous, and they were very virtuous themselves. My father was exceedingly charitable towards the poor, and kind to the sick and infirm, and even to his servants he was so considerate, that he never could prevail on himself to keep any slaves, because his kindness was so great. Once there was a slave in his house who belonged to a brother of his, and he treated him as if one of his own sons, and said he could not bear to see such, unless they were free. Such was his compassion. He was a great lover of truth, never did anyone hear him swear or detract. He was also exceedingly chaste. My mother likewise had many virtues, and she passed through life under great infirmities. Her purity was beyond all praise, for though she was very beautiful, no one ever heard she gave any occasion to the least suspicion, or that she made any account of her beauty, and when she died at three and thirty years of age. Her conduct was as such as would become a much older person. Her disposition was very sweet, and her understanding very solid. The afflictions she had to endure all her life were numerous. When she died she made a most Christian end. There were three sisters and nine brothers, all through the goodness of God, resembled our parents in being virtuous except myself, though my father loved me the most, and truly, before I began to offend God, he seemed to have had some reason. For I am grieved when I remember the good inclinations our Lord had given me, and the little I knew how to make a good use of them. My brothers, too, in no way prevented me from serving God. One of them was about the same age as myself, and I loved him more than all the rest, though at the same time I loved them all very tenderly, and they loved me. Myself and my brother joined together in reading the lives of the saints. When I saw the martyrdoms through which many had passed, for the love of God, I thought they had purchased very cheaply the sight and enjoyment of God, and I myself felt a great desire to die in this manner. Not, however, through the love which I thought I had for him, but rather than I might, by so short a way, enjoy the possession of those immense goods which I had read were to be found in heaven. I, therefore, and my brother considered together, what means there were within our reach for attaining this object. We agreed to go into the country of the Moors and to beg our way for the love of God, so that we might be put to death there, and it seems that our Lord gave us courage in so tender an age. If we could have found any means for accomplishing our object, but our parents appeared to be the greatest obstacle. We were greatly amazed in reading that both the torments and glory of the next life were eternal. We often spoke on this subject, and we took delight in often repeating these words FOREVER, FOREVER, FOREVER. By pronouncing them over and over again, our Lord was pleased to imprint the way of truth on me in that tender age, and now, when I saw it was impossible to go where I might be put to death for God, my brother and myself tried to become hermits, and so, in a garden, which belonged to the house, we endeavored as well as we could to erect hermitages, and collected little stones for this purpose, which, however, soon fell down when we piled them up, and thus we could find no means of executing our desires. But now it excites devotion in me when I consider how soon God gave me these good desires, which I afterwards lost through my own fault. I gave alms as well as I could, though they were but little. I tried to be alone in order to perform my devotions, which were many, especially the rosary, a devotion to which my mother was very much attached, and she endeavored to make us love it also. I took great delight when playing with other children in making monasteries, as if we had been nuns, and it seems as if I desired to be one, though not so earnestly as I did those other things of which I have spoken. I remember that when my mother died, I was not quite twelve years old. When I began to understand what a loss I had sustained I was greatly afflicted, and I threw myself before an image of our lady, beseeching her with many tears to be a mother to me, and though I performed this action in simplicity, yet I think I gained benefit from it, for I have clearly experienced the assistance of this sovereign virgin, whenever I recommended myself to her, and in a word, she has turned me altogether to her. It grieves me now to consider how insignificant those impediments were, which prevented me from remaining constant infirm in those good desires which I began to have. Oh, my lord, since it seems you are determined to save me, and I beseech your majesty that it may be so, and to show me such great favors as you have already shown me, will you not be pleased, not for my interest, but for your glory, that this dwelling in which you so continually abide may never more be defiled? I am grieved even to say so much as this, because I know the fault was entirely my own, since nothing was wanting on your part, that I might be wholly yours from that age, and if I should venture to complain of my parents, this would avail but little, since I never saw anything in them but what was good, and a solicitude for my welfare also. And passing on from that tender age, I began to understand the gifts of nature which our lord had given me, which were great, according to what people said, and instead of giving him thanks for them, I began to make use of them all in offending him, as I shall now declare. End of chapter 1 Chapter 2 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Ann Boulet. The Life of St. Teresa, by Teresa of Jesus, translated by the Reverend John Dalton. Chapter 2 She relates how she began to be fond of reading romances, and how necessary it is for youth to keep good company. It seems to me that a certain circumstance, which I will now relate, began to do me great harm. I sometimes consider what evil those parents commit, who do not always endeavor to show their children every kind of good example. For though, as I have already mentioned, my mother was very particular in this respect. Yet when I arrived at the use of reason, I did not follow her good example as much as I ought to have done, and indeed, hardly at all. While, on the other hand, whatever was bad did me much harm. She was particularly fond of reading books of romance, though she did not imbibe so much evil by this entertainment as I did, because it did not hinder her usual work, but it made us omit many duties, that so we might read these books. And perhaps my mother read them, that thus her thoughts might not dwell on the great troubles she endured, and her children might so occupy themselves as to not fall into other more dangerous things. My father, however, was so particular on this point, that great care was taken lest he should know anything on the subject, but I continued in the habit of reading these books. And this slight fault of mine, which I perceived in myself, began to cool my good desires, and was the cause of my failing in other things. I fancied, however, there was no harm, though I spent many hours, both of the day and night, in so vain an exercise, unknown to my father. But I was so addicted to this habit, that if I could not obtain some new book, it seemed to me I could not be happy. I began also to wear fine clothes, and to desire to appear handsome. I took great care of my hands and of my hair, and was fond of perfumes, together with all those vanities which I was able to obtain, which were many. For I was very curious in this respect. I had, however, no bad intention, because I would not wish anyone to offend God on my account. This over-great nicety about finery and neatness continued sometime, and hence those things which for many years appeared to be no sin whatever. I now see how evil they were. I had certain cousins German who frequently came to my father's house, and these only were admitted, for my father was very prudent and circumspect. And would to God he had been so in regard to those likewise, for I now see the danger there is, in an age when virtues are to be planted in the soul, to converse with persons who, not knowing the vanity of the world, are the more inclined to excite others to throw themselves into it. They were almost of the same age as myself, or rather a little older. We were always together. They had a great affection for me, and in all things I gave them pleasure. I kept alive the conversation and listened to the success of their marriage proposals, and such other foolery's that were good for nothing. But what was still worse, my soul became exposed to that which was the cause of her evils. If I could advise parents, I would entreat them to take great care of what kind of persons their children converse with at that age, for great mischief may then arise, since our nature is more inclined to evil than to good. Thus it happened to me. I had a sister much older than myself, whose purity and goodness I highly esteemed, though I profited nothing by them. But I received much harm from a relation of mine, who frequented the house. Her conversation was so light, that my mother did all in her power to prevent her coming to the house. She appeared to foresee the evil that was to come on me. But yet, the excuses of entering were so plausible that my mother could not refuse her. With this person, as I have said, I delighted to entertain myself. With her I held conversations and intercourse, because she helped me to pass away the time in everything I wished, and she even enticed me into them, and gave me an account of her conversations and vanities. Up to the time when I began to be so familiar with her, I was then about 14 years old, and I think a little more, that she made me acquainted with all her affairs. I do not think I had offended Almighty God by any mortal sin, nor ever lost his fear, though I dreaded more the loss of my honor. This had power over me, so as to prevent me from losing it altogether, and I think that no consideration in the world could have made me change my resolution, nor could my love for any person have induced me to give it up. Would that I had possessed strength enough not to go in opposition to the divine honor, as even my natural disposition disposed me, not to lose that in which, as I thought, the honor of the world consisted, though I considered not I had really lost it in many other ways. For vainly upholding it I used all my exertions, but I took no account of the means to preserve it. However, I used great diligence and circumspection not to lose it entirely. My father and sister were much troubled about this friendship I had formed, and they reproved me for it very often, but as they were unable to remove the occasion of her coming to the house, all their care was of no avail. For my quickness and sagacity and everything evil was very great. I sometimes am struck with the evil bad company produces, and if I had not experienced it myself, I could not have believed it. The greatest mischief arises, especially in youth, and, therefore, I wish that parents would learn experience from me, that so they may consider this point carefully. The truth is that this conversing with the person above mentioned produced such a change in me that there was now scarcely any sign left of me of my former good dispositions, and it seems that both she, and another also, who indulged in the same manner of amusements, impressed their character upon me. Hence it is that I now understand what a blessing good company is, and I consider it quite certain that if, in that age, I could have conversed with virtuous persons, I should have preserved my virtue entirely. And also, if I then had met with someone who could have taught me to fear God, my soul would have advanced and gained strength against falling. But afterwards, entirely losing this fear, the fear of losing my honor alone remained, and this tormented me. But thinking that such and such things would not be known, I presumed to do many actions, both against my honor and against God. In the beginning, these things did me harm, as far as I can judge. And they happened not through the fault of others, but my own fault, since afterwards my own malice was sufficient to commit evil, together with my servants, who were always ready for any kind of mischief. But if any of them had given me good advice, I should perhaps have profited by it. Interest, however, blinded them, as my affections blinded me. And though I never was much inclined to evil, for I naturally abhorred dishonest actions, yet I loved to pass my time in pleasant conversations, but being placed in the occasion of sin, the danger was near at hand, and that brought both my father and brother into it. But God delivered me from this danger in such a manner, that it seems clear He wished, even against my will, to preserve me from utter destruction, though matters could not be managed so secretly but that my honor was stained thereby. And suspicions were raised in my father's mind. After I had been living about three months in these vanities, I was taken to a certain monastery in this town, where such young persons like myself were educated, though they were not so habitually wicked as I was. This removal was done with great discretion and caution, for only myself and a relation of mine knew of it. They waited for a favorable opportunity, that so the thing might not appear strange, for as my sister was then lately married, it did not seem proper for me to be at home alone without a mother. The love which my father bore me was so great, and so also was my dissimulation, that he could not believe so much ill of me, and therefore I did not fall into disgrace with him. For as the time was short, though he might have heard something about me, yet what he heard could not have been said with certainty, because, as I took so much care of my honor, all my diligence was directed towards keeping things secret. While I considered not how impossible it was to keep anything from him who seeeth everything, oh my God, what evil is done in the world through not considering this truth, through not remembering that nothing can be secret which is against you. I think it quite certain that great sins would be avoided if we could understand that our duty does not consist in keeping ourselves from the sight of men, but in preserving ourselves from offending God. During the first eight days I was in the monastery, I felt very unhappy, and the more so, because I suspected that my vanity was now discovered, and not so much because I was placed in the monastery. And now I began to be tired of my vanities, and to have a great fear when I offended God, and I endeavored to confess often. But eight days after, and I think even less, I enjoyed more quiet and comfort than I ever experienced in my father's house. All the religious were glad to be in my company, for in this respect our Lord gave me the particular favor of always pleasing persons wherever I might be, and thus I was much beloved. And though at that time I was quite opposed to my becoming a nun, yet I was glad to see in that house so many good religious of great purity and devotion and recollection. But notwithstanding all this, the devil ceased not to tempt me, and to seek persons out of the monastery to disturb me with their messages. But as there was no opportunity for them, they soon ceased. And my soul began again to accustom herself to the good impressions of my youth, and I saw how great is the favor God bestows on those whom he leads into good company. It seems as if his majesty had gone on considering and reconsidering, how he could bring me back again to himself. Bless me thou, O Lord, who despair with me so long. Amen. One circumstance there was, which seems might have excused me, had I not committed so many faults. It was this, that the conversation I held was on the subject of a marriage, which seemed likely to end well. Having informed my confessor of the matter, and also many other persons, they told me I did not offend God. A religious let where we secular ladies were, and it seems that by her means our Lord wished to enlighten me, as I shall now relate. End of Chapter 2 Chapter 3 of The Life of St. Teresa This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulet. The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus. Translated by the Reverend John Dalton Chapter 3 She mentions how good company was the means of reawakening virtuous desires within her, and how our Lord began to give her light to discover her errors. As I now began to take delight in the good and holy conversation of this nun, I was pleased in hearing her speak so well on God, for she was a very pious and discreet person. As far as I remember, I was always pleased to hear her speak on heavenly things. One day she began to tell me how she became a religious, which was by merely reading these words of the gospel. Many are called, but few are chosen. She spoke to me on the rewards our Lord will give those who leave all things to follow him. Her good company soon began to banish all the habits evil company had led me into, and to bring back to my mind the desire of eternal things, and also, in some degree, to divest me of that aversion I had to become a nun, which once was so very great. But now, if I saw anyone shed tears at her prayers, or perceived that she possessed other virtues, I envied her extremely, though in this respect my heart was so very bad, that where I even to read the whole history of our Savior's passion, I could not shed a tear. This gave me a great deal of pain. I remained a year and a half in this monastery to my great advantage, for I began to recite many vocal prayers, and prevailed on all the nuns to recommend me to God, that he might place me in such a state of life wherein I could serve him. But still, I wish not to be a nun, and that this might not be the state which God would appoint for me. I was, however, afraid to marry, but at the end of the time I was in the monastery, I had a greater desire to be a religious, though not in that house, because the virtues there of practice were too high for me, and their mortification seemed excessive in the extreme. Some of the younger nuns also encouraged me in these ideas, but if all had been of the same opinion, I should have gained much by it. I had likewise a great friend in another monastery, and this was partly a reason which induced me not to wish to be a nun, except in the house where this person lived, that is, if I were to be a nun at all. I had more regard for the pleasure of my sensuality and vanity, than for the welfare of my soul. These good thoughts, however, of being a nun, sometimes came into my mind, and went away immediately, so that I could not yet persuade myself to be one. At this period, though I was not without solicitude for a remedy, yet our Lord was more desirous of disposing me for that state which was the best for my soul. I became so unwell that I was obliged to return to my father's house. When I recovered, I was taken to my sister's house on a visit. She resided in the country, and great was the love I had for her. And if she could have had her will, I should never have left her. Her husband also loved me much. At least he showed me every kindness and attention. And even for this I am indebted to our Lord, since in every place I am always treated kindly, notwithstanding I have been as ungrateful for this favor as I have for all others. On the way to my sister, my father's brother resided, a very discreet and virtuous man. He was a widower, and our Lord was disposing him for himself, for in his declining year he left everything, became a religious, and ended his days in such a manner that I believe he now enjoys the sight of God. But as I passed, he wished me to remain a few days with him. It was his custom to read good books in Spanish, and his usual discourse was on God and on the vanity of the world. Those books he made me also read, and though I had no great liking for them, yet I pretended I had, for I always took the greatest care to give pleasure to others, however dear it might cost me. Hence, what in others would have been a virtue, and me was a fault, because I often conducted myself without discretion. Oh my God, by what means and ways did Thy Majesty go on, disposing me for that state in which Thou work pleased I should serve Thee? Thou diseven forced me, against my will, to do violence to myself. Be Thou blessed forever, Amen. Though I remained but a short time in this place, yet such was the effect produced in my heart by the words of God, which I both heard and read, and also by the good company I had been in, that I came to understand those truths I had learnt when a child, these, that all things were nothing, how great was the vanity of the world, how it would shortly end, and that I had just reason to fear. If I died in my present state, I should be sent to hell. But though my will did not yet wholly incline me to be a nun, yet I clearly saw it was the better and more secure state, and so by little and little I resolved to force myself to embrace it. In this battle I continued three months, urging myself to the religious state by these reasons. The labors and trouble of being a nun could not be greater than the pains of purgatory, and that as I justly deserved hell, it should not be considered much. If while I lived, I remained, as it were, in purgatory, that so afterwards I might go straight to heaven. Such was my desire. But in this inclination to embrace the religious life, it seems to me that I was more influenced by servile fear than by love. The devil, in the meantime, represented to me that I should never be able to endure the difficulties of the religious state because I was so delicately brought up. But against these suggestions I defended myself by remembering the labors and sufferings of our Lord and that it would not be much for me to endure some for the love of Him. I should also have recollected that He would give me strength to endure them, for I forget whether I had this thought. But I am sure I had many temptations at this time. Fainting fits, accompanied with burning fevers, began also to seize me, for I always had very bad health. But I was supported by having become, at this period, fond of good books. I read the Epistles of Saint Jerome, which encouraged me to such a degree as to make me resolve to reclaim my father with my intention, which was for me almost the same as taking the habit, for I was so nice about my word of honor that it seemed to me when once I had given my word I could never on any account withdraw it. But my father loved me so much that I could not by any means gain his consent. Neither was the entreaty of other persons, whom I induced to speak to him, of any avail. The most I could obtain from him was, that after his death I might do as I pleased. I feared, however, my own weakness, lest I should fall back again, and so I thought it better not to accept the condition, and therefore I endeavored to gain my object in another way, as I shall now relate. She relates how our Lord assisted her in forcing herself to take the religious habit, and with how many infirmities his divine majesty began to afflict her. At this time, while I was continuing in the resolution mentioned above, I persuaded one of my brothers to become a religious, having spoken to him on the vanity of the world, etc. We both agreed to go very early one morning to the monastery where that friend of mine was, to whom I bore such a particular affection. My resolution, however, was now so great that I would willingly live wherever I could serve God the best, or my father wished me to go. For now I paid more attention to the welfare of my soul, and made no account of rest or ease. I remember, as far as I can call to mind and without any concealment of the truth, that when I was leaving my father's house, I believed that at my death my feelings will not be greater than they were then, for it seems to me that every bone in my body was then disjointed. And as I had no love of God to remove the love I had for my father and friends, all which I did then was with such great violence, that if our Lord had not helped me, my own considerations would never have been able to advance me forward. But he gave me such courage against myself, that I was unable to execute my resolution. In taking the habit, our Lord immediately gave me to understand how much he favors those who do violence to themselves in order to serve him. Though no one noticed anything in me but a most ardent desire to enter on a religious life, he then gave me such feelings of delight in having attained this state, as have never left me up to this day. He also changed that dryness in which my soul had formerly been, into an extreme tenderness, while all the observances of religion delighted me. It is likewise true that sometimes when I was sweeping the floor, during the very time in which I used to be occupied with dress and vanities, but that now remembering how I was free from them, a new joy was given to me, so great that I was amazed, and knew not once it came. When I remembered these things, nothing could present itself before me, however difficult, which I should not willingly have attempted. For I now have experienced in numerous cases to assure me, that since God helped me in the beginning to resolve to do what I have done, his majesty will also be pleased, even in this life, to repay us by such means as he only can understand who enjoys them, and our actions being done only for the love of God, he ordains for our greater good afterwards, that our soul should be in some trouble and terror at first, and the greater the trouble is, the greater and the sweeter will be the reward, if we persevere. This I have found true by experience, as I have said, in many important cases, and therefore, if I were a person who could give an opinion, I would never advise anyone, when a good inspiration often comes upon him, to throw it aside through fear of not being able to put it into execution, for if he go on solely and purely for God's sake, there need be no fear of success, since our Lord is powerful to do all things, may he be blessed forever. Amen. The favors which thou, O my sovereign good, and repose of my soul, hast hitherto bestowed upon me through thy own goodness and greatness, ought to have been sufficient to have drawn me, by so many ways, to a secure state of life, and to a house where there are many servants of thine, from whom I could learn how to advance in thy service. But I know not how to pass on to anything else, when I remember the circumstances of my profession, and the strong resolution, and the great pleasure wherewith I made it, and the espousals I entered into with thee, but of this I cannot speak without tears, even of blood. Without my very heart breaking, and this would not be anything sufficient to testify my grief, when I think how I offended thee afterwards, it now seems to me that I had reason before, in not desiring so great a dignity, since I should have made such a bad use of it. But thou, O my Lord, was pleased, during almost all the twenty years in which I abused this favor, to be the person insulted, in order that I might become better. It seems now, oh my God, that I made no promise, except not to observe what I had promised thee, though at that time my intention was not such. But I see that afterwards my actions were such, that I knew not what intention I had, and thus it is more clearly seen who thou art, O my spouse, and who I am. It is quite true, that the sorrow for my great sins is often tempered by the pleasure which this consideration gives me, these that my sins will only make more manifest the multitude of thy mercies. For in whom, O Lord, can they shine more brightly than in me, who, by my evil actions, have so greatly obscured all the immense favors which thou didst begin to show to me? Alas for me, O my Creator, if I wish to make any excuse, I can find none, nor can anyone be blamed but myself, and if I should endeavor to return thee any part of that love which thou didst begin to show me, I could not center it on anyone except thee, and thus everything would be remedied. But since I do not deserve this, nor ever had such a happiness, may thy mercy now supply for all my deficiencies. My change of life and food began, at this time, to injure my health, for though the pleasure I experienced was great, it was not sufficient. Fits of feigning again began to increase on me, accompanied with such a violent palpitation of the heart as amazed everyone who saw me. I also had many other infirmities, and thus I passed the first year with very bad health, though during this period I think I did not offend God much. But as my infirmity was so great, that it almost always nearly deprived me of my senses, and sometimes entirely took them away. So great likewise was the diligence used by my father in seeking a remedy. Since, however, the doctors in the place could not find any relief for me, my father ordered me to be removed to a place which had a high reputation for having cured other persons of their infirmities, and so I was assured mine also would be cured. The friend of whom I spoke before as living in the house accompanied me, for she was advanced in years, and in the monastery where she lived, no vows of enclosure were taken. I remained almost a year in this place, and during three months of it I suffered such excessive torments by the severe remedies applied, that I know not how I was able to endure them, and though I did endure them, yet it was not my body which bore them, as I shall now relate. This cure was to have commenced in the beginning of summer, and I went in the beginning of winter, all this time I remained in the house of that sister of whom I have spoken before, who lived in the country. I waited until April, being near the place, that so I might not be obliged to be going and coming to and fro. When I was leaving my uncle, whom I mentioned as having visited on the way, he gave me a book called The Third Alphabet, which treated of the prayer of recollection. Now, though in the first year I had read some good books, and did not wish to read any others, for I already knew the harm they had done me, yet I knew not how to proceed in prayer, nor how to acquire recollection, and so I was very glad to have this book, and was determined to follow that way of prayer to the best of my power, and since our Lord was already pleased to bestow the gift of tears upon me, and as I delighted also in reading, I began to spend some time in solitude and to confess very often, and to commence following that path, as I considered this book to be my guide, because I could meet with no other master. I mean no director who could understand me, though I endeavored to find one for the space of twenty years after this time. This misfortune did me much harm, and often made me turn back, yay, even to lose myself entirely. But a good director would have daily assisted me in flying those occasions, by which I offended God. In these beginnings, His Majesty began to confer on me such great favors, that at the end of the time I remained there in this solitude, which was about nine months, though I was not free from offending God, having neglected what the book directed me to do, from an idea that such great watchfulness was almost impossible, yet I was careful not to commit any mortal sin, and would to God had I been always so, but of venial sins I made little account, and this was the fault which ruined me. But our Lord began to caress me so much in this way of prayer, that He vouchsafed to give me the favor of enjoying the prayer of quiet, and sometimes that of union, though I understood neither the one nor the other, nor how much they deserved to be prized. But I think that it would have been a great happiness for me, if I had understood their nature. It is true the prayer of union continues so short a time, that I know not if I could have repeated the Ave Maria during it. Yet the effects of the prayer which remained were so great, that though I was not then twenty years old, it seems as if I could trample the whole world under my feet, and so I remember to have had great pity for all those who follow its maxims in ways, though even in lawful things. I endeavored, to the best of my power, to represent our Lord Jesus Christ, who is our only good, as present within me. And this was my method of prayer. When I meditated on any action in his life, I represented it in my interior, though I spent the greater part of my time in reading good books, which was all the recreation I had, for God did not give me the talent of discoursing with my understanding, nor of helping myself by means of the imagination, which is so dull. That even to think and represent within myself, as I endeavored to do, the humanity of our Lord, was more than I could ever perform. And although, if we persevere, we may more quickly arrive at contemplation. By being unable to exercise our understanding, yet the way is very laborious and painful, because if the occupation of the will be wanting, and our love should have no object present to occupy itself, the soul is left, as it were, without any support or exercise, and solitude and dryness give her much trouble, and bring our thoughts into a most terrible combat. For persons who have this inclination, greater purity of conscience is necessary than those who are able to exercise themselves with their understanding. Because he who is able to reflect on what this world is, on what he owes to God, how much he suffered for him, and how little he serves him, will thence derive matter to defend himself from improper thoughts and dangerous occasions. But he who cannot make use of this means is exposed to greater danger, and therefore he should spend much time in reading, since from himself he is unable to draw any advantage. This method of proceeding is so very painful, that if the director who teaches him should urge him to pray without reading, which is of great help to a person who proceeds in this way, and is even necessary, though what he reads may be little, and is intended to supply the place of mental prayer, which he cannot practice. I repeat, if without this help his director should make him remain a long-timeer prayer, it will be impossible for him to continue in it for any length of time, and besides, it will injure his health if he persists in it, for it is a very painful exercise. It now seems our Lord so ordered things that I could not find anyone to instruct me, for it appears impossible to have endured my great dryness and afflictions during eighteen years, without being able to discourse with my understanding, as I have already mentioned. During all this time I never dared to pray without a book, except immediately after communicating, so that my soul was so much afraid to be without a book, as to fight against a multitude of people. But by this remedy I went on with much comfort, for it was like a guard of soldiers, or a buckler, on which the blows of many thoughts were to be received, for this dryness was not usual with me. Though it always came when I had no book, and my soul became immediately disturbed, and my thoughts began to wander, but by reading I soon recollected them, and thus, as it were by flattery, my soul advanced onward. Often by merely opening a book, I found I need do no more. Since I read little, and other times much, according to the favors our Lord was pleased to show me, it seems to me that if in these beginnings whereof I speak, I could have had books and opportunities of being in solitude, no danger could have deprived me of so great a good. I think likewise that it would have proved so by the favor of God, if I could have had a director, or some person who would have advised me to fly the occasion of sin in these beginnings, and make me forsake them immediately, if I had fallen into them. And should the devil then have attacked me openly, I think I should on no account have been induced to offend God grievously. But the devil was so crafty, and I was so wicked, that all my resolutions availed me but little. Though the time I spent in the service of God was of great help towards enabling me to endure my terrible afflictions, which I bore with as great patience as His Majesty gave me. Often I have considered with amazement the great goodness of God, and my soul has been enraptured in considering His magnificence and mercy. May He be blessed by all men, for I have clearly seen, that even in this life He has not failed to recompense me for every good desire. And, however imperfect and wicked my works have been, yet my Lord continued to make them better and more perfect, thereby giving them worth and merit, while my sins and miseries He instantly hid from others. Even the eyes of those who saw them, His Majesty allowed to be blinded, and their memory to fail. He guilds our faults, and causes that virtue to shine which the same Lord has placed in me, almost doing violence to me, that I may receive His favors. But now I wish to return to what my superiors commanded me to mention. If I were to relate minutely how our Lord proceeded with me in these beginnings, I should require another understanding different from what I have, to be able to appreciate what I owe Him in this respect, and to publish my own wickedness and in gratitude. For He has forgotten all of it. May He be blessed forever, who has borne so much from me. Amen. End of Chapter 4 Chapter 5 of The Life of St. Teresa. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulete. The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus. Translated by the Reverend John Dalton. I forgot to relate how, in the year of my novitiate, I suffered great uneasiness of mine about things which, in themselves, were of little consequence. But as I was often blamed without having committed any fault, I bore it with much pain and great imperfection, though I endured everything through the earnest desire I had to be a nun. When they noticed that I sought after solitude, I began to feel a sense of pain, a sense of relief, a sense of relief, a sense of relief, a sense of relief, a sense of relief, a sense of relief, a sense of relief, a sense of relief. They fancied I was of a discontent disposition, and they told me so. But I was most anxious to observe all the rules of the religious life. I could not, however, endure anything which had the appearance of bringing me into contempt, for I delighted in being esteemed. I was curious about whatever I undertook, and everything appeared to me to be virtue, though this will not serve me as an excuse, because I knew well how to obtain all those things which could give me pleasure. And thus, ignorance will not free me from blame. It was a defect that the monastery was not founded in great perfection, and, as I was so wicked, I followed that which was imperfect and omitted what was good. At that time, there was a religious afflicted with a most grievous infirmity, which caused her great pain. There were ulcers in her body, which came from certain obstructions, so that she could not retain her food, and therefore she soon died of her disease. Though I noticed that all the other nuns feared to have the like infirmity, yet, for my part, I greatly envied her patience, and begged of God, that if he would give the like patience to me, he might send me whatever infirmity he pleased. It seemed as if I feared no disease whatever, for I was so bent on gaining eternal goods, that I resolved to purchase them, whatever they might cost me. At this, I wonder, for even then I think I had no love for God, though afterwards I believe I gained it, when I began to exercise myself in prayer, and a light from above showed me how contemptible everything is that has an end, and how inestimable those goods are which are eternal, and which can be obtained. His majesty heard my prayer for such an affliction, for before the expiration of two years, I became so afflicted, that though my disease was not of the same nature as the persons above mentioned, yet I think mine was equally painful and troublesome during the three years I endured it, as I shall now relate. The time having now arrived which I had been waiting for, my father, my sister, and that religious who accompanied me, and had so much regard for me, removed me with great care to the place destined for my cure. Here the devil began to disturb my soul, though God drew good from it. There was a certain ecclesiastic who resided in the place where I went for my cure. I thought of a good family, had a solid judgment, and was somewhat learned. I began to confess to him, for I was always fond of learned men, though those confessors who were only half-learned did my soul much harm because they had not the learning I desired. I have found by experience that it is better for directors, who are virtuous and full of holy manners, to have no learning at all rather than little, because those who have none will not trust themselves without asking the opinion of others who are learned, and neither could I trust them myself. But I was never deceived by any truly learned man, and even those who had no desire of deceiving me, but they erred only because they knew no better. I thought they were capable of guiding me, and that I was not bound to do anything but to believe them, as what they told me was in accordance with the general opinion and gave me more liberty. If they had been more strict with me, I was so wicked, that I should have chosen other confessors. That which was a venial sin, they told me was none at all, and that which was a most grievous mortal sin, I was assured was only a venial sin. This kind of doctrine did me so much harm, that I consider it necessary to mention this circumstance here, in order to put others on their guard against so great an evil. I see clearly that in the presence of God, this was no excuse for me. For as the things were in their own nature bad, this ought to have been sufficient to have preserved me from them. But I think that Almighty God, on account of my sins, allowed my confessors to deceive me and to be deceived themselves. And I also deceived many others, by telling them the very same things which had been told to me. I continued more than seventeen years, I think, in this blindness, till a Dominican friar, a man of great learning, undeceived me in many things, and the fathers of the society of Jesus made me comprehend how terrible my state was on account of such bad beginnings, as I will now relate. When I began to confess to this person, of whom I spoke above, he became extremely attached to me, because then I had but little to confess, in comparison with what I afterwards had. Indeed, I had not much from the time I became a nun. The affection of this man was not bad, though by being excessive it became evil. He knew well that I was determined not to do anything grievously offensive to God, on any account whatever, and he also assured me as much on his part, and thus our conversation became frequent. But in the interviews we then held, I was so absorbed by the thoughts of God, that my greatest delight was to speak on subjects relating to him, and as I was then very young, his seeing this inclination made him somewhat ashamed. But on account of the great affection he bore me, he began to discover his misery to me, and this was not small, for he had then been almost seven years in a very dangerous state, by reason of his affection for and conversation with a certain lady of the town, and yet he continued to say mass. The thing was so public that he had lost his honor and character, and yet no one ventured to speak to him on the subject. I was quite grieved to see in what state he was in, because I loved him much, but I was so possessed with folly and blindness, that it seemed a virtue in me to be grateful, and to keep on good terms with one who loved me. Cursed be such a law which proceeds so far as to be against the law of God, it is a madness which now prevails in the world, and it makes me almost lose my senses, to see how every good which men do to us we owe to God, and yet how we esteem it a virtue not to break off this friendship, even though it should lead us to do evil against him. Oh blindness of the world, but be thou pleased, O Lord, that I may be the most ungrateful creature in the whole world, provided that I may not be, in the least point, ungrateful to thee. But by my sins I have done quite the contrary. I endeavored to gain more information concerning this person from the domestics of his house. I then became more acquainted with his misery, but saw that the poor man was not deserving of so much blame, because that unfortunate woman had used certain charms over him by means of a little copper idol, which she begged of him to wear around his neck for her sake, and no one had been able to dissuade him from wearing it. For my part, I do not believe in the power of such charms as this, that it could affect one in any definite manner, but I will relate what I saw, in order that others may be on their guard against those women who may wish to act in the same manner, and to the end they may believe that when such characters lose all fear of God, and they are more obliged to be chased than men, no trust at all is to be reposed in them, for provided that they have their own will and affection gratified, which the devil puts in them, they care for nothing. But though I have been very wicked, yet I never fell into any crime of this sort, nor did I ever try to commit any evil. And even if I had been able, did I ever force anyone to love me, because God preserved me from such an evil, but if he had left me to myself, I should certainly have committed as many evil things in this respect, as I did in other matters, for there was no trusting me in any way. As soon as I heard the particulars of the case, I began to show him more affection. My intention indeed was good, but my action was bad, for I ought not to have committed the least evil to gain the greatest good. I discourse very frequently with him concerning God, and this perhaps did him some good, though I think that the great love he had for me influenced him the most. For in order to confer on me a favor, and to give me pleasure, he gave me his little idol, which I immediately contrived to cast into the river. Being deprived of this, he began to recover like one roused from a deep sleep, and to remember all that he had done during those years. He was amazed at himself, and so bewailing his misery, he came by degrees to abhor it. Our blessed lady, without doubt, assisted him much, for he was very devoted to her conception, and that feast he always celebrated with great joy. At length he broke off the habit of seeing this woman any more, and could never satisfy himself with giving thanks to Almighty God for the light he had given him. But he died just upon that day, twelve months after I had first seen him. He had already begun to serve God very fervently, and though I never could perceive that the great affection he bore me was bad, yet it should have been more pure. But there was no want of occasions in which, if I had not kept myself in the presence of God, I might have committed very grievous offenses against him. Still, as I have already mentioned, whatever I thought might be a mortal sin, I would not then have committed, and this person, seeing such a disposition in me, was inclined perhaps to love me the more. All men, I believe, are more fond of those females who they see are inclined to virtue, and even in those things in which they desire to succeed. They gain more influence over the men as I shall afterwards declare. I consider it certain, however, that his soul is saved, for he died very piously, and having quitted so well the occasion, it seems our Lord was pleased he should be saved by this means. In that place I remained three months, under the most grievous afflictions, for the cure was more severe than my constitution could endure, so that at the end of two months the medicines were so powerful that my life was almost endangered. In addition to this, the palpitation of my heart, which I went to have cured, became so much more violent that sometimes I thought my heart was torn with sharp teeth, and my friends were afraid I should lose my senses. Together with a great want of strength, for I could take no food whatever except it were liquid, with a violent loathing, a continual burning fever, and being also so reduced on account of the purging medicine, which was continued for almost a month. I was moreover so burnt up that my nerves began to contract with a pain so insupportable as to prevent me from taking any rest day or night, and during this period I was oppressed with the most profound sadness of mind. Having recovered so far, my father took me home again, where the physicians came to see me, all disparate of my recovery. At age four, besides my usual sickness, they said I was settled in a hectic fever. This, however, troubled me very little, but my pains afflicted me the most, for I was full of them. From the crown on my head to my feet, the pains arising from the nerves are intolerable, according to the testimony of doctors, especially when the nerves shrink up as mine did, and certainly if I had not lost the merit of patience through my own fault, my torment was great enough to have earned some. I did not remain more than three months in this torture, for it seemed impossible to endure so many afflictions together. I am now amazed at myself, and I consider as a great favor of our Lord, the patience which His majesty gave me, for it evidently came from Him. I gained much benefit from reading the history of Job, in the morals of Saint Gregory, so that our Lord seems to have prepared me by this means, and also by my having commenced the practice of prayer, in order that I might be able to bear those trials with submission to His will. All my conversation was with Him, and often did I remember and repeat these words of Job. If we have received good things at the hands of God, why should we not receive evil? Chapter 6, Verse 10 And one too who was so prudent, yet he might have done me a great deal of harm, for his conduct could not have been the effect of ignorance. That night I fell into a trance, which continued for about four days, during which I had not the use of any of my senses. In this state I received the sacrament of extreme unction, and every hour, and even every moment, was expected to be my last. My friends continued reciting the Creed, as if I understood them. At one time they considered me to be dead, so certainly that afterwards I found drops of wax candles on my eyes. The affliction of my father was great, for not having allowed me to go to confession. Many tears were shed, and many prayers offered to God for me. Blessed be our Lord, who was pleased to hear them. For though my grave remained open in the monastery for a day and a half, it being expected my body would be buried there. And though the funeral service was performed by the friars of our order in another town, yet our Lord was pleased I should return to myself again. I immediately expressed a desire to confess. Having done so, I received the blessed sacrament with many tears, though in my opinion they were not shed with a deep feeling of sorrow for having offended God. For this might have helped to save my soul, if the error into which I was led by those who told me that some things were not mortal sins, which afterwards I felt certain were so, had not proved injurious to me. The torments with which I was afflicted were intolerable, and my understanding was rather dull, though, as I thought, my confession was entire, having declared everything by which I feared I had offended God. This favored His Majesty vouchsafe to grant me among others, that after I had begun to communicate, I never omitted confessing anything which I thought to be a sin, even though it were venial. But yet I am almost certain that had I died then, my salvation would have been in great danger, because on the one hand my confessors were so little instructed, and on the other I myself was so wicked. It is most certainly true that when I think of this event in my life, and how it seems as if our Lord raised me from death to life, I am filled with such great amazement, that almost my whole body trembles. It seems proper then, O my soul, that thou shouldest consider the danger from which our Lord delivered thee, and that as thou hast not avoided offending him through love, thou mayest cease to do so through fear, for he might have taken away thy life a thousand times, when thou wert in a more dangerous state. I believe I should not be exaggerating were I to add a thousand times more, though perhaps he might chide me, who commanded me to use moderation in the recital of my sins, and yet I have represented them too favorably. But for the love of God I beseech my superior not to make me diminish my faults, because thereby the goodness of God will be seen, and what he suffered for his soul. May he be blessed forever, and may he annihilate me, rather than I should ever cease to love him more and more. End of chapter 5 Chapter 6 of the Life of St. Teresa This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulet The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus Translated by the Reverend John Dalton Chapter 6 She mentions how much she owed our Lord for giving her conformity to his will in such great afflictions, and how she also chose the glorious St. Joseph for her patron, etc. I remained during these four days of the trance in such a state that our Lord only can know the insufferable torments I felt. I had bitten my tongue in several places, my throat, through my being unable to take anything, and by reason of the great weakness which oppressed me, could not swallow even a drop of water without choking me. It seemed as if I were entirely disjointed, and my head appeared extremely disordered. I was contracted like pack-thread, for in this consisted the torment I endured those days, without being able to stir either hand or foot, arm or head, unless I removed, so that I was like a person dead. I thought, however, I could move a finger of my right hand. No one could touch me in any way, for my whole body was so afflicted that I could not endure to have it touched. I was removed about in a sheet, one person being at one end, and another at the other end. In this state I continued till Easter. The only relief I had was this, that if I were not touched, my pains frequently ceased, and then, as I enjoyed a little ease, I considered myself to be well, but I was afraid lest my patience should begin to fail. And therefore I was much pleased to see myself free from those sharp and continual pains, though I still had a great loathing for food, in addition to extremely severe colds produced by a double quarten, which was insupportable. About this time I made such haste to return to the monastery, that I managed to have myself carried away just as I was. Though the sisters thought I was dead, they received me with a soul still in the body, but the body was worse than dead, by reason of the pains they saw it had endured. I cannot describe my extreme weakness, for nothing was left but my bones, and for more than eight months I remained in this state. I was quite a cripple for almost three years, though still I was getting better. When I began to walk on all fours, I gave thanks to God. But all these afflictions I endured with great resignation, and even with extreme delight, except in the beginning, for I esteemed them all as nothing, in comparison with those pains and torments I endured at first. I was very resigned to God's will then, even though He should have left me in that state forever. I think that the reason why I was so anxious to recover was that I might apply myself all alone to prayer in the way I had been instructed, and in the infirmary there was no means of doing this. I confess my sins very often. I frequently spoke of God in such a way as to edify everyone. And indeed they were amazed to see the patience our Lord had given me, for had it not come from the hand of His Majesty, it seems impossible I could have suffered so many afflictions with such great pleasure. Great indeed was the favor our Lord bestowed on me by giving me a method of prayer, for thereby I came to understand what it was to love Him, and from the little time I spent in it, I observed new virtues to spring up within me, though they were not strong, nor were they able to keep me in the way of justice. I did not speak ill of anyone in the slightest degree, for my ordinary custom was to avoid all kind of detraction, since I remembered that I should never wish nor say anything of anyone, which I did not wish should be said of me. This I paid particular attention to on all occasions, though yet not so perfectly when occasions sometimes offered themselves of breaking my rule. Still, it was my general practice. Those who were in my company and who spoke to me, I so earnestly persuaded to adopt the custom that it became natural to them. Hence it was understood, wherever I was, that all absent persons were secure, and it was also the state with those who were my friends and relations, or whom I had instructed. And though in many things I shall have to give a strict account to God, yet I hope His Majesty may be pleased to pardon the bad example I gave them, for I have been the cause of much evil, though it was not done with such evil intentions as those actions were which I committed afterwards. I was still desirous of solitude, and loved to discourse and to speak on God, and if I could find anyone to enter with me into the conversation, that gave me more pleasure and recreation than all the polite conversation, or rather grossness, of the world. I also loved to communicate and to confess much more frequently, and to desire doing so. I became very fond of reading good books, and began to have such a deep sorrow for having offended God, that many times I remembered I dared not pray, because I feared the excessive pain which I was sure to feel for having offended Him, as a severe punishment for my sins. And this pain became afterwards so extreme, that I know not what to compare it to. This never happened to me, either more or less, through any fear I had, but only when I remembered those caresses our Lord granted to me in prayer, and what I owed Him for them, and when I saw how ill I repaid Him, I could not endure the thought. I was also extremely troubled on account of the many tears I shed for my faults, when I perceived there was no amendment in me, and that neither my resolutions, nor the pains I took not to fall anymore when the occasions of sin were offered, were of any avail. My tears seemed to deceive me, and my fault appeared so much the greater, because I was convinced how great a favor our Lord bestowed on me in granting me those tears, and that great sorrow which I felt. I endeavored to confess often, and it seemed to me that I did all I could in order to be restored to a state of grace. All the evil consisted in not pulling up the occasions by the root. My confessors too helped me but little, but had they told me of the danger in which I was, and of the obligation I lay under to break off those conversations, I am convinced the evil would have been remedied. For, on no account could I have endured to remain, even one day, in mortal sin, had I known I was in that state. All these signs of the fear of God came to me through prayer, and the greatest of them was that I went unwrapped in love, and the punishment of sin I did not think of. All the time that I was sick, I kept a great guard over my conscience, as far as concerned mortal sins. But, oh my God, how much did I desire my health in order to serve thee better? And yet this was the cause of all my misery. And now, when I saw myself a cripple, and so young too, and how the physicians of this world had treated me, I resolved to apply to heavenly physicians for my cure, which I still desired with much earnestness, though I bore my pains with joy. Sometimes I used to think that if by recovering my health I should be condemned to hell, it would be better for me to remain as I was. However, I thought I should serve God much better had I my health. Here is our error in not entirely resigning ourselves to the will of our Lord, who knows what is best for us. In the meantime, I began to get some masses to be said for me, and to make use of devotions that were very much approved of, for I was never fond of certain other devotions, which some persons, especially women, went through with such ceremonies and forms as I could not endure. I understood that they bordered on superstition, though they may have excited piety in some people. I took for my advocate and master the glorious Saint Joseph, and I recommended myself much to him. For I saw clearly that where my honor and the loss of my soul were concerned, my father and master delivered me from that danger, as well as from others still greater. And this with more advantage than I could desire myself. Up to this time, I cannot remember having asked him for anything, which he did not obtain. I am quite amazed when I consider the great favors our Lord has shown me, through the intercession of this blessed Saint, and the many dangers both of soul and body, from which he has delivered me. It seems that to other saints, our Lord has given power to succor us in only one kind of necessity. But this glorious Saint, I know by my own experience, assists us in all kinds of necessities. Hence our Lord, it appears, wishes us to understand that as he was obedient to him when on earth, for he was called his father, and being as it were, his tutor, he could command him. So now in heaven he grants him whatever he asks. This truth many others also have experienced, who have recommended themselves to him by my desire. Many are now devoted to him, and I myself have fresh experience of his power. I endeavored to celebrate his festival with all the solemnity I was able, but with more vanity than true devotion, as I desired it should be kept very properly and exactly, though yet my intention was good. But this was my fault, that whenever our Lord gave me grace to perform any good action, it was full of many faults and imperfections, whereas in the pursuit of curiosity and vanity and anything evil, I used great dexterity and diligence. May our Lord pardon me. With that I could persuade all men to be devout to this glorious Saint by reason of the great experience I have had of the blessings he obtains from God. I have never known anyone who was truly devoted to him, who performed particular devotions in his honor, and did not advance more in virtue, for he assists in a special manner those souls who recommend themselves to him. During many years I was accustomed to ask some favor of him, and I remember it was always granted, and if sometimes my petition had something wrong about it, he rectified it for my greater good. Were I a person who had authority to write, I would gladly enlarge here and relate, in detail, the favors which this glorious Saint obtained both for me and others. In order that I may do no more than what I am commanded, I must be shorter in many things than I could wish, and more diffuse in other points than is necessary. In a word, I am like one who has but little discretion in doing anything which is good. I only request, for the love of God, that whoever will not believe me will prove the truth what I say. For he will see, by experience, how great a blessing it is to recommend oneself to this glorious patriarch and to be devout to him. Those persons especially who are given to prayer should ever be devoted to him, for I know not how he can think of the Queen of Angels at the time when she suffered so much on account of the child Jesus, and not give thanks to Saint Joseph for the assistance he gave them. Whoever wants a master to instruct him how to pray, let him take this glorious Saint for his guide, and he will not lose his way. God grant I may not have committed any error in speaking as I have of such a Saint. For though I thus profess to be devoted to him, yet I have always failed in imitating his virtues, but he acted like himself by enabling me to rise and walk and to be no more a cripple. And so I also acted like myself by making so bad a use of this favor. Who could ever have supposed that I should so soon have fallen back again after his majesty had begun to bestow some virtues on me after having received so many favors from God, which of themselves excited me to serve him, after I had seen myself as if it were dead and in such danger of being condemned to hell, and after he had raised both my soul and body in such a manner that all who saw me were amazed to behold me alive? What a misery it is, oh my Lord, that we should live in such a dangerous life. While I am now writing these lines, it seems I may say, by thy favor and mercy, what St. Paul said, I live now, not I, but Christ liveth in me. Though not with the same perfection as he did, and according to the experience which I have now had for some years, thou still keepest thy hand over me, and I find myself filled with desires and resolutions, and in many things I have experienced this for a long time, not to do anything against thy will, however small it may be. Though I know I must commit many offenses against your majesty without my knowing it, and it also seems that nothing could be proposed to me which I would not resolutely perform for love of thee, and in some things thou hast assisted me, so that I might succeed in them. I care not for the world, nor for the things of the world, and I find that nothing whatever gives me any pleasure which does not come from you, and everything else seems a heavy cross. I may, however, easily deceive myself in this point, and so I think I do, for I do not possess all that I have spoken of, but thou knowest well, oh my lord, that I do not lie, as far as I know. I fear with much reason, less perhaps thou mayest leave me again, for I know now how far my strength goes and what little virtue I possess, in case thou art not near, to bless me and to help me, that so I may never desert thee, and may thy majesty grant that I be not already forsaken by thee, while I am thus saying so much about myself. I know not how we can desire to live, since all things are so uncertain here. It appeared to me, oh lord, impossible I should entirely desert thee, but since I have forsaken thee so often, I cannot help fearing the like again, because when thou retirest even a little from me, everything falls to the ground. Blessed be thou for ever, for although I forsook thee, yet thee didst not entirely forsake me, but didst give me thy hand, that so I might rise up again, and often, oh lord, I would not take hold of it, nor would I understand how frequently thou didst call me again, as I will now relate. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulet. The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus, translated by the Reverend John Dalton. Chapter 7 She shows by what degree she went on losing the favors which our lord had shown her, and how wicked her life began to be. I began from one pastime to another, from vanity to vanity, and from one occasion to another, to cast myself very deeply into very great occasions, and my soul became so disordered with many vanities that I already grew ashamed to approach to God with that familiarity, such as frequent prayer requires, and what helped me on to this was that as my sins increased, the joy and delight which I had found in the exercise of virtue began to fail me. I now proceed very clearly, oh my lord, that these blessings were wanting to me, because I had first been wanting to thee. This was the most terrible deceit which the devil could bring upon me when I began to fear to practice mental prayer, because I saw myself in so bad a way that I thought it would be better for me to proceed as the multitude did, since I was one of the worst of sinners, and to pray only as much as I was obliged, and that but vocally. Since a person who deserved to be with devils should not make use of mental prayer, nor hold so close a communication with God, and that I was only deceiving the world because I had an outward appearance of virtue. But for this reason, the house where I lived did not deserve any blame, because by my cunning I managed that people should have a good opinion of me, though I did not act in this way purposely, to counterfeit piety. For as regards hypocrisy and vain glory, I thank God that I remember not to have offended him therein, as far as I can perceive. For, on the very first motion to commit that kind of sin, I felt so much trouble that the devil went away with loss, and I gained thereby. And thus he tempted me but very little in this respect. If, however, God had allowed him to tempt me as strongly in this as he did in other things, I should have fallen into this sin also. But hitherto his majesty has been pleased to preserve me, for which may he be forever blessed. But I was rather much troubled that they should have such a good opinion of me, considering what I knew of myself privately. The reason why they believed me not to be so wicked was that they saw me retire, being so young, many times and on several occasions to solitude and to prayer. They noticed that I read much and prayed much and spoke of God, that I was fond of making pictures of our Savior and putting them up in many places, of making oratories, and of placing there whatever tended to excite devotion, that I spoke ill of no one, and other things of the like nature they observed, which bore an appearance of virtue, and I knew well, so vain as I was, how to gain esteem for myself in those things, which the world is accustomed to prize. By these observations of theirs, they allowed me as much and even more liberty than to the older religious women of the house, and they had great confidence in me. For as to my taking any liberties, or doing anything without leave, or even speaking with anyone by night in holes or corners, was what I could never think of, even as far as to talk of any such thing in a monastery I never did, because our Lord held me by His hand. It seemed to me, for I reflected much and attentively on many things, that to expose the honor of so many religious to chance, they being so good and I so wicked, would have been a very unworthy action in me. But why do I speak of my having avoided the commission of evil, as if other things which I did had been well done? The truth is, that the evil which I did was not done with so much reflection as this would have required, though still it was too much. On this account it seems to me that not living in a monastery which was enclosed did me much harm, though those who were good might continue in it without any disadvantage, because they were bound to no more, not having made a vow of enclosure. But as for me who am so wicked, I should certainly have been carried to hell, had not our Lord drawn me out of this danger by many special favors and remedies. And so I think that a monastery of women, having such liberty is very dangerous for them. In my eyes it seems to be more a road leading to hell those who desire to be wicked, than a remedy for their weakness. What I say does not refer to my monastery, for therein are so many who truly and with great perfection serve our Lord, that His Majesty, being so good, cannot fail to confer favors upon them, and this monastery is not one of those which are most relaxed, for every kind of good discipline is observed in it. But I speak of other houses which I have seen and known. I say then that these excite my compassion, for the religious have need of particular calls from our Lord, not once, but often, in order to be saved, considering how much the honors and amusements of the world are authorized there, and how little they understand the obligations which bind them. God grant that they may not consider as virtue that which is sinful, as I myself often did. And there is so much difficulty in making this understood that it is necessary our blessed Lord himself should, in reality, put his hand to the work. If parents would take my advice, since they will not place their daughters where they may walk in the way of salvation, but rather where they will encounter more danger than if they were in the world, I would advise them to consider their own honor, and rather to marry them very meanly, than to place them in such monasteries, unless they be very virtuously inclined, and God grant that even this may profit them. If the parents do not like what I recommend, they might keep their daughters at home, for if they wish to be wicked, they can keep it secret only for a short time. But in the monastery, their wickedness may remain hidden for a long time, though in the end our Lord is accustomed to discover it. But they hurt not only themselves, but all the others also, and sometimes these poor creatures are not to be blamed because they only do that which they find practiced. It is a pity to see how many who desire to separate themselves from the world and to avoid its dangers, thinking that they go to the monastery to serve God, do, nevertheless, find themselves cast into ten worlds where they know not what to do, nor how to help themselves. Youth and sensuality and the devil incline them to follow some things which belong to the world, and so they come to consider them good. In this respect, me thinks they are like those unhappy heretics who wish to blind themselves and then persuade themselves that those opinions which they follow are sound, and so they believe them to be true, though in reality it is not the case, for they have something within them which tells them they are wrong. The extreme misery of those religious and I speak now of men as well as women among whom discipline is not observed and where in the same monastery two different ways are kept, one the way of virtue and discipline and the other quite the opposite, though both are considered almost alike or rather I should say just the same. On account of our sins it happens that we walk along that way which is the most dangerous and as the greater number go along it this makes the road more agreeable to us. Thus, so little is true religion observed that both religious men and women who wish to commence in earnest to follow their vocation have more reason to fear the very persons with whom they live than even the devils themselves and they are obliged to be more cautious in speaking of the love which they ought to have for God than of those friendships and affections that he uses into these monasteries. I see no reason then why we should be astonished on beholding so many evils in the church since those who ought to be patterns of virtue to others have allowed the spirit of their holy founders to be extinguished in them. May God apply such a remedy as he sees necessary. Amen. In the meantime, when I began to use such conversations as these I thought little that so great distractions and other damages in my soul by such kind of acquaintances. Since I saw they were so much used by others and I conceived that so general a thing as it is to make visits in many monasteries would be no greater prejudice to me than it was to others whom I knew to be good. But I considered not that those others were much more virtuous than myself and that those things which were of greater danger to me were not perhaps so very dangerous to them. Yet I fear there must be some danger and at best I am quite sure that it is no better than time very ill spent. Being once with a certain person our Lord was pleased to give me to understand in the very beginning of our acquaintance that such friendships would in no way be profitable to me. For Christ our Lord represented himself before me with great severity in his countenance and gave me to understand how much he was disgusted at my conduct. I saw him only with the eyes of my soul but yet much more distinctly and more clearly than I could possibly have done with the eyes of my body and he remained so deeply imprinted there that although this happened to me above 26 years ago me thinks he is still as present to me now as he was then. I became so altered and was also so astonished that I intended to see that person no more. It did me a great deal of harm that I knew not at the time. It was possible for one to see anything but with the eyes of the body and the devil was careful enough to make me continue in that erroneous opinion and to make me still believe it was impossible and therefore that I had but fancy these things to myself and that perhaps it might be a delusion though I was still convinced it was God and no delusion at all but because it was against my inclination I tried to deceive myself and as I durst not confer with anyone about the matter though greatly impotuned to do it assuring myself that there could be no evil in seeing such a person and that there would be no loss but rather gain by it. I returned to the same conversation and even on some occasions to others and for many years I took this pestilential recreation and being once engaged in it it seemed to me not to be so very bad as it indeed was though sometimes I perceived clearly enough that it was good but yet no other conversation distracted me so much as this did on account of the great affection I had for this person. Another time when I was in company with the same individual both of us saw coming towards us and there were others also present who saw it something in the shape of a great toad which passed on with much greater speed than such animals usually do I could not understand how such whence it came and even at noon day such a thing had never been seen there before the effect which this appearance brought in me seems not to have been without some mystery and it was an event which I could never forget oh greatness of God with how much care and pity did thou admonish me in so many ways and how little was the profit I derived thereby there was in this house a certain elderly nun a great servant of God in a relation of mine she sometimes gave me good advice but I not only not believed her but I was even disgusted with her thinking she was offended with me without cause all this I relate here in order that both my wickedness and the great goodness of God may be the better understood and that it may appear how well I deserved hell for my ingratitude and another object I also have that if our Lord should so ordain and should be pleased that any religious should read this discourse they may take warning by me I beg of them for the love of our Lord that they will fly from such recreations as these and I beseech his majesty that some of those whom I have deceived may be disabused for I told them there was no harm in those things and being in great blindness at that time I assured them also there was no danger and as I have said before by the bad example which I gave them I was the cause of much harm to them though I thought I was doing no harm at all while I was yet very infirm in those first days before I knew how to help myself I conceived an extreme desire to do others good which is a very common temptation for beginners though it happened to succeed well with me as I love my Father very dearly I desired he might receive the same benefit which I thought I had gained myself by means of mental prayer by being of opinion that in this life there was no greater blessing than to practice such kind of prayer I began by indirect discourses to try all in my power that he might obtain it and for this object I gave him some books being so virtuous a man as I have already mentioned he applied himself so diligently to this exercise that within five or six years he advanced so much that I blessed our Lord very much for the favor and it gave me this consolation the troubles he endured were various and very severe all of which he endured with much conformity to God's will he often came to see me and derived great comfort by speaking on holy things but when now I was living in such distraction that I left off mental prayer and as I saw that he still thought me to be the very same that I had been before I was not able to endure this without undeceiving him I had passed a year and more without prayer thinking it was more humility in me to abstain which was the greatest temptation I ever had as I shall afterwards mention for by this means I ran headlong towards my total ruin whereas when I practiced prayer if I offended God one day I recollected myself the next and removed myself farther from the occasion wherefore as my good father came when I was in this state thinking that I still converse with God as I formerly had done it was too much for me to see him so greatly deceived and so I told him that I no longer use mental prayer though I did not mention the cause I alleged however my infirmities as the obstacle for although I had recovered from my severe illness still I always had afflictions and very great ones too of late years they were not indeed so violent and painful but they failed not still to continue in many ways for 20 years together in particular I had vomiting every morning to such a degree that I could never break my fast until noon was over yay and sometimes later that I am now able to receive the blessed sacrament more frequently proceeds from this cause that these vomiting come on at night before I go to bed and then they give me much more pain for I am obliged to hasten them by means of feathers and other things because if I have not these vomits pain which I feel is extreme but I think I am seldom or ever without many pains and sometimes these are very sharp especially at my heart though still all my sickness etc which used to come upon me so thickly now come only seldom such as the dreadful palsy and other fevers which used to attack me so that now I often find myself in good health but I have made so little account of these sufferings for the last 8 years that sometimes I am glad I have them thinking that our Lord may be somewhat served thereby as my father believed that this was the cause of my omission and as he never told an untruth himself he had no reason to think but that I told the truth considering on what subject I was then discoursing with him and that he might believe me the more I told him also that I had enough to do to be able to assist in the choir though I saw clearly this was not a sufficient excuse to make me omit such practice since for such an action there is no need of corporeal strength but only of love and habit because our Lord will always give us an opportunity if we ourselves have the will and inclination I say always because though infirmities and other causes may sometimes hinder one from spending many hours in solitude yet we shall have some other times wherein we may have health enough for being in solitude and even during the same sickness for on such occasions the best prayer may be made since it is the soul which loves by offering up our pains to God by remembering for whose sake they are endured and by conforming ourselves to his will and in a thousand other ways that may offer themselves thus we may exercise our love for there is no necessity either for one to be in solitude or to use mental prayer at all if we take a little care we may obtain great blessings even when our Lord takes away from us opportunities for prayer by sending us sickness and I myself found this to be true as long as I kept my conscience pure but my father through the opinion which he had of me and the love he bore me not only believed all I said but pitied me as he now found himself raised to such an eminent degree of prayer he did not remain very long with me considering his stay to be a loss of time and therefore returned home being desirous of spending my time on other vanities I was little troubled at his departure but I not only persuaded him but others also to apply themselves to prayer even while I was in the midst of these vanities as I found them fond of vocal prayer I told them how to make use of meditation and gave them books and did them good for I still had a desire that others should serve God even from the time that I began vocal prayer as I before mentioned it seemed to me that as I did not serve our Lord so well as I should I was desirous that the light which his majesty had bestowed upon me might not be lost but that others should serve him by my means I relate this here to show the great blindness in which I was which exposed me to the danger of losing myself while I was endeavoring to do good to others about this time my father fell ill of the sickness that I suffered and which continued only a few days I went to attend him being more sick in my soul than he was in the body on account of my numerous vanities though not to such a degree as to think I was in mortal sin even in the worst time of my wickedness for certainly if I had thought so I would never have continued therein I suffered much during his illness and I think in some slight way I made up for the trouble he took with me when I was ill though very unwell then I endeavored to assist him all I could for I reflected how in losing him I should lose all my joy and comfort for in him I placed them but I animated myself in such a way as not to show him I was in any pain and continued till he expired as if I felt no trouble at all though when I saw him on the point of death it seemed as if my soul had been torn from my body for I loved him much the death of my father caused me to praise our Lord together with the desire he had to die and the good counsel he gave us after he had received extreme unction and how he charged us to recommend him to God and to beg for mercy for him exhorting us always to serve him and to consider how everything comes to an end he told us also with tears how very grieved he was at not having served God better and that he wished he had been a religious in the strictest order that existed I consider it certain that some fifteen days before our Lord gave him to understand he was to die because before that time he did not think himself very ill though he was so in reality but afterwards though he seemed to grow better and the doctors told him so yet he paid no attention to them but only thought of putting his soul in order his sickness began with a very grievous pain in his shoulders which never left him in terms it was so severe that he suffered exceedingly I told him that since he had been so devoted to that part of our Lord's passion in which he carried his cross he should consider our Lord was pleased that he should feel something of what he himself then suffered and he was so comforted by this thought that I do not remember to have heard him complain anymore for three days he seemed to have lost his reason but on the day he died our Lord restored it to him so entirely that we were amazed there at and so he continued reciting the creed and when he came to the middle of it he expired when he was dead he looked like an angel and such in my opinion he was so to speak both in soul and disposition this latter was extremely good I do not know why I have spoken so much of him unless it be to condemn my own wickedness in as much as after having witnessed such a death and known he led such a life I ought to have reformed mine so as to have in some degree resembled my father his confessor who was a Dominican and a very learned man asserted that he had no doubt my father would go straight to heaven for he had been his confessor for many years and spoke much of the purity of his conscience this Dominican father being a very worthy man and a true servant of God did me a great deal of good for I confessed to him he undertook the care of my soul with great diligence and made me understand the way of perdition in which I was walking he also made me communicate every 15 days and when I spoke to him about the nature of my prayer he told me I must not fail to use it for that I could not in any way practice it without deriving advantage I began therefore to use it again and from that time forward I never left it off though I did not then quit in the meantime I passed the most miserable life for in my prayer I came to know my faults God called me on the one hand and on the other the world all the things of God gave me great pleasure but the vanities of the world held me in chains and it seems I had a desire to reconcile these two contraries which are such enemies to one another these a spiritual life and the pleasures and pastimes of the world where I endured great affliction because my soul was not master but a slave and thus I was unable to retire within my heart which was my method of proceeding I formally used in prayer without at the same time shutting up with me a thousand vanities in this way I passed several years so that I am now astonished how it happened that I did not correct my faults or that I did not abandon prayer I know well that it was no longer in my power to abandon prayer for he held me in his hands who had resolved to do me greater favors oh that I could declare the occasions of doing ill which God removed from me in those years and how I put myself again into them that I could mention the danger I was in from which he delivered me of losing all my reputation how I endeavored to discover by my actions what kind of a creature I was and how our Lord concealed my faults and made me know the little virtue I possessed if indeed I had any at all so that it appeared great in the eyes of all men in such a way that they always esteemed me much for though my vanities sometimes shown through my actions yet as they noticed other things in me which appeared good they would not believe my wickedness but the cause of this was that he who knoweth all things saw this was necessary in order that when afterwards I should serve as they might give me some credit his sovereign goodness did not so much consider my great sins as those desires which I sometimes felt to serve him and the great trouble I experienced in not having strength to execute them but oh thou Lord of my soul how shall I be able to express with gratitude the favors thou disposed on me during these years and how at the very time I was offending thee the most thou dits in a short time disposed me the most profound sorrow that so I might enjoy thy favors and consolations the truth is oh my king thou dits adopt as one means the most exquisite and sharp kind of punishment which could be found for me for thou knew as well what would prove most afflicting to me these that my sins should be punished by receiving sorrow from thee it is no foolish thing which I utter though one should not be surprised if I became foolish in the memory of my ingratitude and wickedness against thee but it was much more grievous for me to receive favors when at the same time I was committing great faults then it would have been to endure severe punishments hence even one of those favors received seems capable of confounding and afflicting me more than many corporal infirmities and other troubles united as to the latter I saw that I deserved them and I thought I had made some satisfaction by them though all indeed were but little considering the multitude of my sins but to see myself again receiving fresh favors though I made such a bad return for those I had received before was the most terrible punishment for me and I think it will be considered so by all who have any knowledge or love of God hence flowed my tears and came my indignation seeing what I found in myself that I was still on the point of falling again though my desires resolutions were then firm I mean as long as the favors lasted it is a great misfortune for a soul to be alone amidst such dangers and me thinks if I knew anyone to whom I could have spoken on these matters it would have helped me from not falling again at least I should have been prevented through shame even had I no shame in offending God those therefore who make use of mental prayer especially at the beginning thereof would do well to be on terms of friendship and familiarity with other persons who practice this kind of prayer for this is very important though it should serve no other purpose than to be assisted by each other's prayers and how much more so when so many advantages are to be gained and if in the commerce and intercourse of the world though vain and useless it be we endeavor to procure friends to assuage our sorrows and to make us enjoy ourselves the more by the recitation of our vain pleasures I do not see why they who begin to love and serve God in earnest should not be permitted to communicate to someone their joys and their sorrows for those who practice prayer experience both for if he be sincere who desires to be in friendship with his majesty he need not fear vain glory and should he be attacked by any temptations there too he will come off with merit I believe that whoever shall with this intention speak to others on such matters will both profit himself and those who hear him and will also become more enlightened in his understanding as well as more skillful in instructing his friends he who should be exposed to vain glory when thus speaking would also be exposed whenever he is seen devoutly to hear mass and by doing other things likewise which he is bound to do under pain of not being a good Christian and yet these things must not be omitted through fear of vain glory this point is of such great importance for the welfare of all those souls who are not yet strengthened in virtue as there are so many adversaries and even friends ready to excite them to evil that I know not how to express its importance it seems to me that the devil has made use of this device as being something very advantageous to him these that men should as carefully hide themselves from those who understand them and who sincerely endeavor to make them love and please God as he the devil has induced others to discover their evil inclinations to each other and this latter practice is now so common as to pass for a kind of gallantry and thus men publish the offenses which by this means they commit against God I know not if what I say be nonsense if it be I trust your reverence will tear it up but if not I beseech you to assist my simplicity by putting much of your own experience to the subject for divine things are now so little attended to that they who desire to serve God have need of each other's help in order to advance in virtue so very much in fashion are the vanities and pleasures of the world that few see any evil in them but whenever anyone begins to give himself to God so many blame him that he will find it necessary to seek for someone to defend him until he shall become strong enough to make him easy under suffering but should he be sorrowful he may himself fall into great difficulties this perhaps may be the reason why some saints have retired into deserts but as it is a part of humility not to put any confidence in oneself so we should believe that God will not fail to help us to live among those with whom we are obliged to converse and thus charity will increase by being communicated and there are a thousand other which I should not dare to speak had I not great experience of their importance true it is that I am both the weakest and most wicked of all creatures but yet I believe that whoever will humble himself though he be strong and not trust in himself but in one who has experience in these matters will not lose anything respecting myself I am able to say that if our Lord had not discovered this truth to me and had not also given me means to treat in a very familiar manner with persons who were given to mental prayer I should still have gone over falling and rising till I had fallen headlong into hell for I had many friends who would have helped me to fall but in endeavoring to rise up again I found myself so much alone that now I am astonished I did not always remain in a fallen state I praise the mercy of God for he alone it was in my coming hand may he be praised forever and ever Amen End of chapter 7