 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. The cigarette that's toasted to taste better. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yes, it's the toasted cigarette. They taste fine. Tobacco is light. Tobacco is mild. Tobacco too. And it's toasted, yes, it's toasted. Because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So to get better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yes, it's the toasted cigarette. Friends, this is Don Wilson. If you're not getting all the enjoyment you should be getting from your present cigarette, switch to Lucky Strike and see for yourself how much more real deep down smoking enjoyment you get from Lucky's better taste. Lucky taste better because it's the cigarette of fine tobacco and it's toasted to taste better. It's toasted as the famous Lucky Strike process that tones up Lucky's fine naturally good tasting tobacco to make it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes, find out for yourself. Buy a carton of better tasting Lucky Strike. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yes, it's the toasted cigarette. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Belly with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, the sponsor of Quartet and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Belly does another television program, but in the meantime, let's go back to this morning in Beverly Hills. As we look in on the Belly household, we find Jack just entering the kitchen. Hmm, Rochester must have overslept again. I'll go wake him up and have him fix my breakfast. I don't know why it is, but every time I give him a day off, the next morning he oversleaps. It's the second time that's happened this year. Oh, well, I might as well let him sleep and fix breakfast myself. Now let's see, where does Rochester keep the coffee? I'll try this cupboard here. No, it's filled with ideal dog food. I'll try this one. No, this one's filled with ideal dog food too. Maybe it's in this cupboard. Hmm, more ideal dog food. There's no doubt about it. I'll either have to get a dog or stop mentioning that stuff on my program. Well, I can't find the coffee. I'll just have to wake Rochester. Rochester, it's time to get up. Rochester, Rochester to get up. I'll take this feather duster and tickle his chin. Honey, you showed that long eye, ladies. Rochester, get up. Huh? What? Oh, it's you, Mr. Betty. Yes, it's me, honey, and I want my breakfast. Guys, boss, I'm sorry you woke me up when you did. I was having the most wonderful dream. I know. You were dreaming about a girl. Yeah, we were going to get married. You offered me a $50 raise. I offered you a $50 raise? Uh-huh, and just as you were giving it to me, you woke me up. It's the third time it's happened. I know. I know you told me. Once I dream you were cutting my cellar and you let me sleep till four in the afternoon. It was just a coincidence. Anyway, I'll answer the door, Rochester. You get dressed to make my breakfast. Yes, sir. Hello, Polly. Oh, you're still sulking, huh, Polly? I'm coming. Hello, Jack. Oh, Mary, come on in. I was just talking to your neighbors, the Coleman's. Oh, Ronnie and Bonita? Yes, I passed their house. Bonita was sweeping the porch and Ronnie was cleaning the windows. Bonita and Ronnie were doing their own housework? Yes, they told me their butler quit. Their butler quit? Why? They said they have to live next to you. He doesn't. He'll be back. He's run away before, you know. Oh, hello, Polly. Hi, Polly. Speak. Feeding this bird. It wasn't my fault, Mary. She happened to find a can opener. What? Nothing, nothing. Come in. Oh, hello, Dennis. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Hi, Dennis. What are you doing around here? Oh, I'm thinking of moving. I've been looking at houses all day. Oh, you want to buy a house? Yeah. How much would you take for this one? Oh, don't be silly, Dennis. My house isn't for sale. I know, but if it were for sale, how much would you take? Well, hey, let me see. He's in the best part of Beverly Hills, and I have an acre of land, 12 rooms, a swimming pool. Oh, I'd ask about $100,000. I wouldn't have this dump if you gave it to me. Look, Dennis, I don't want any trouble with you. You asked me how much my house is worth. I told you $100,000. Does the price include the Venetian blinds? Yes. Also the grapes and the carpets. Anyway, Dennis, what's wrong with the house you're living in now? You just moved in. I know, but it's too inconvenient. Inconvenient? Yeah, in order to get to the bedroom, you have to go through the furnace. Well, Dad, I don't understand at all. Dennis, what kind of a house are you looking for? Oh, sort of a ranch house. You know, everything on one floor. How many rooms? Well, I'd like two bedrooms, a den, a living room, and a kitchen. How about a bath? No thanks. I had one this morning. Why do I always get trapped into these things? Mary talks to him, she gets a sensible answer. I ask a sensible question. What do I get? Abbott and Costello. Dennis, let me hear the song you're going to do on this week's program. Yes, sir. Very good, Dennis. I know it's going to sound beautiful when you sing it on the show. Don't be so sure. Why not? I'm having my tonsils out tonight. Tonight? Dennis, are your tonsils infected? No. Well, is your throat been sore? No. Have you been catching colds? No. Then why are you having your tonsils out? A doctor friend of mine is coming over and I don't know how else to entertain him. What? Last time he took out my appendix. Dennis. If he keeps coming over, there won't be anything left. Dennis. Well, I got to go look for a house now. Goodbye, Mary. Bye. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye, Dennis. I got to be running along, too. I'll see you tomorrow. Okay, goodbye, Mary. Bye. Hello? Hi, Jack. Who's this? Bob Crosby. Oh, hello, Bob. I didn't recognize your boys. What is it? Well, I'm having a few of the boys over for a friendly game of poker tonight and I thought maybe you'd like to join us. Well, what stakes do you play for? Five and ten. Five and ten? That's a little too steep for me. Oh, no, no, Jack. Not five and ten dollars. Five and ten cents. Well, that's what I thought you meant. Well, Bob, who's going to be in the game? Well, just some of the musicians, Jack. We've got Bagby, Fletcher, Remly, Sammy the drummer, Kimmick, and Arturo Toscanini. Arturo Toscanini? You mean... Oh, no, this is another one. He slaps a bass for Wingy Mino. It confuses everybody. Well, I should imagine, huh? Well, how about it, Jack? Could you come on over tonight? Well, I don't know, Bob. I might drop around for some laughs, you know. Oh, that's well. We'll be playing out by the pool. We'll all be in our swimming trunks. Wait a minute, Bob. Won't the boys be cold and nothing but trunks? Yeah, but they won't play cards with each other wearing anything that has pockets or sleeves. Well, Bob, maybe I'll drop over, even if it's just for a laugh. Okay, I'll see you later. Bye. So long, Bob. Oh, say, Jack, what goes with Dennis Day? What do you mean? Well, he was over to see me last night. He wants to buy my house. Did he offer you a good price? Yeah, but I don't know. Why? Well, he wanted me to include my Venetian blinds, vapes, and children. What a kid. So long, Bob. Bye, Jack. That kid Dennis will drive everybody crazy and he finds a house. Say, boss, I've got your breakfast ready. Bring it in the den. I might sit around for a while and read. Okay. I'll get it, Rochester. Everybody's calling today. I wonder who it can be. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny. Mr. Benny, guess who is this? Now, let's see. Sir Cedric Hardwick? No, guess again. Barry Fitzgerald? You're getting close. I'm getting close. Well, who is it? Mr. Titzel. Mr. Kid, how come you said I was close when I said Barry Fitzgerald? He lives next door to me. Well, it's nice of you to call, Mr. Kitzel. How are you? Currently, I'm out of danger. Out of danger? What was wrong? Nobody told you? No. Did I hear the sea? Really? Yeah. First my rheumatism started acting up. Then I contracted a sciatica condition which had a voice effect on my envericose veins. And simultaneously you hear I suffered from a streptococcal throat. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. The blue cross is sorry. I can imagine. Mr. Benny, the reason I called is my brother-in-law, Benny, is visiting me and I wondered if you could get him tickets to your television show. For your brother-in-law? Yes, I believe I can. Can you also get him tickets for Benny, Thomas, Bones and Ellen, Groucho, Marks, and Miss Nandy? Let me see who else. Mr. Kitzel, you're certainly nice to your brother-in-law. It's a pleasure to get him out of the house. Oh. Also, could you get him tickets to Jackie Gleason's show? But that's in New York. Bless you, sir. I'll see what I can do, Mr. Kitzel. Goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye. You know, these days with radio and television, I haven't been reading very much. A lot of good books here, too. The High and the Mighty by Ernest Gann. Look who's abroad now by Earl Wilson. I read them both are good books. Let's see what else. The Sea Around Us, Battle Cry. Here's a copy of The Theory of Relativity by Albert Einstein. Oh, I read that. I remember it has 496 pages. Those numbers were the only thing I understood. Could you hear the book I haven't read? The Purple Pirate. See, that ought to be good. So many pirate pictures out now. I think I'll read this one. The Purple Pirate, Chapter 1. I am a pirate. My name is Captain Morgan. As my story opens, we had been at sea almost a year. My ship had just captured a rich prize, a schooner, homeward bound from the Orient, and laden with cargo. We transferred our cargo to our hold, and the crew lined the rail and watched as we prepared to send the captured vessel to the bottom. All right, gunners. We've got a sinker. Player! See sinkin' fast, Captain. Good. Tell me, Red Robert, did we get much booty? What's a rich haul, Captain? A hundred bolts of silk, 50 barrels of rare spices, 10 sacks filled with gold, and four cases of ideal dog poo. Fine, my supply was running low. That is not all the loot, sir. We found a small sack of diamonds from rubies, and best of all, a woman's dress. A woman's dress? What's so wonderful about that? Oh, you ought to see what's in it. You mean we've captured a woman? Yes, sir, and we also captured the captain of that ship. Good. Bring him to me. Aye-aye, sir. In a few minutes, both the captain and the girl were standing before me. I looked them over very carefully for a long time. Finally, I spoke. Which one of you is the captain? He is, of course. There was no doubt about it. I'd been away from land too long. As I stood there, the schooner's gruff captain turned to me and spoke. Are you the captain of these pirates? Yes. Are you responsible for blowing my ship to bits? Yes. Did you make some of my men walk the plank? Yes. Did you hang all the rest of them? Yes. Do you think that was nice? No. I sent him below, then I turned my attention to the girl. She was wearing a tight skirt, a yellow sweater, and a large button that said, I like Louis the Fourteen. She stood before me, the superstition of the sea. A woman aboard a pirate ship is an omen of bad luck. I was in a predicament. Should I keep her aboard and risk mutiny or make her walk the plank? I decided to flip a coin. Head she stays, tail she walks the plank. We were so happy over the rich prize we had captured, they didn't mind a woman being aboard. In that evening as we sailed the tropical sea near the full moon, they even gathered around the quarter-deck and began to sing. Lucky strike is wild, very tasty, that's true. Lucky strike is round and it's only tattoo. Oh, but even if a lucky strike is true, a treasure only L-A-L-L-L-M-N-T will do. Oh, it's L-A-L-L-L-L-L-L-M-N-T, L-A-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-M-N-T. Yes, it's L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-M-N-T. Oh, it's L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-M-N-T. L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-M-N-T. Get the tell-a-tella, tell-a-tella, tell-a-tella, them empty Light up the lucky spark! We continued scarring the sea, and then our luck went bad. We sighted no more ships. Our supplies ran low. The men were in a mutinous mood. They became surly and refused to obey orders. And then, suddenly, packed by the most ruthless of all French pirates, Dennis Lafite. Red Robert, get the men to their battle station. Aye-aye, sir! Bagby, Remlee, Fletcher, Kimiq, man your gun! It's no use, Captain. It's no use. The men are revolting. Would you repeat that? The men are revolting. You've caught on to these guys already, haven't you? The battle went badly, and we suffered heavy casualties. Finally to save lives, I decided to surrender. I grabbed a white flag and started a wave. I'm sorry, miss, but there's no time to be doing your laundry. We were taken prisoner and immediately locked in the dark hold of the ship. For three days we didn't see our cruel captor. Dennis Lafitte didn't kill his prisoners by making them walk the plank. Oh, no. He was too cruel for that. He would make you stick your head through a hole in the canvas while his crew lined up and threw baseballs at you. This wasn't so bad, but the men behind you with those darts were murdered. Finally, on the fourth day, he ordered me and the girl to be brought to him. As we stood trembling before Lafitte, the terror of the seven seas, he said... Huh? You are in the presence of the great Lafitte. Kneel, you pig. Yes, sir. Good. Now you kneel, too. Yes, sir. How I love to play as a leapfrog. What are your plans for us, Lafitte? For you, my captain, you have the choice of joining me or dying. Well, I'll join you. Do I still retain my rank as captain? Captain. You fool, you'd be my slave. A slave? I'd rather die first. You don't know us Englishmen very well. All right, you died. What about the girl? Are you going to kill her? You don't know us Frenchmen very well. What? I should marry the girl and make her the pirate's queen. She would be my wife, my sweetheart. And now I kiss her. She'd rather die first. You keep out of it. I was in a predicament. Either I became Lafitte's slave or I walked the plank. I didn't know what. I didn't know what. Here's the door, buzzer. Right in the most interesting part. I can't even read a book around here. Rochester. Oh, darn it. Coming. Coming. Middle of a book. Mr. Benny. Yes? I'm from Beacon's Van and Storage Company. We got two truckloads to unload here. Furniture? No, I deal dog food. What in the swimming pool? The garage is full. Friends, every minute, day and night, a destructive fire starts. And in nine out of ten cases, most fires start because someone is careless. Don't let that someone be you. Be sure your electrical wiring is properly installed. Put cigarettes and matches out before you discard them. Be on guard constantly against fire. Remember, only you can prevent fires. Jack will be back in a minute to tell you about his television program, which goes on at 7 p.m. tonight over the CBS television network. But first, here's a word for anyone who enjoys a good cigarette. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted. Cigarettes, they taste fine. Tobacco is light. Tobacco is mild. Tobacco too. And it's toasted, yes, it's toasted. Because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So to get better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted. Cigarette. All you have to do is look at a pack of Lucky's friends and you'll see the reasons for Lucky's better taste printed right on the pack. LS MFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Light, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. And it's toasted. It's toasted to taste better. It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that tones up Lucky's fine tobacco, bringing it to its peak of flavor, making it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. So be happy. Go Lucky. Make your next carton of cigarettes better tasting Lucky Strike. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted. Cigarette. Ladies and gentlemen, I was going to tell you about my television show, but we're a little late, so tune in and watch it. Good night, folks. The Jack Benny show tonight was written by Milk Josephsburg, John Takkeberry, Al Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Mark. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. Thank you.