 And with that today, I'd like to talk about friends with benefits. I've been getting a lot of questions from people, a lot of messages saying, do I approve of the idea of friends with benefits? Or some people even asking whether it's a good thing or not. And I think it's difficult because suddenly this word has just kind of this expression has made it so big in our lives thanks to certain television shows. A lot of misinformation, a lot of stigma and taboo around sex, which is also filtering down to this idea. And just the thought that this is about casual sex, you know, it's lots and lots of problematic questions and thoughts around it. So today, should we decode this? Absolutely. And I think, and I'm sure you remember, I think it got really famous with that Hollywood movie, which was about friends with benefits. And just for the viewers who are wondering what that means, it's basically, you know, people who decide to be intimate or sexual with each other, but are from our friends. And, you know, there's clarity around it sometimes that it's not a romantic relationship. It's not a commitment. It is, you know, they could be friends otherwise, but if they decide to have sex few nights or are interested in having sex with each other, then that would be something of possibility. And it's a consensual thing between the two of them. And that's what people started calling friends with benefits because they thought that, you know, this is a safe partner that they could have sex with when needed and when interested. But we've said key words here, which obviously, like you're saying, get complex, like friends, no commitment, emotions, all those things. So, yeah, let's decode it. Let's decode it. Like you said, you know, it's about consensual sex, no strings attached. And to my mind, if you can get this right, because I think in a lot of people's minds, they kind of hear the word friends with benefits, no strings attached. And for them, it's just about, ooh, this is an easy way to have sex. And that's not what this relationship structure is about. We've said often that Gen Z is very much about understanding that they don't want to go into commitments too early. They don't want to tie themselves down. But of course, sexual desires and needs are always going to be there. So rather than going out dating, putting yourself out there in spaces that might not be safe, maybe even needing to visit sex workers, whatever. If you actually have a friend who you know that you can feel safe with, who is just literally about picking up the phone and saying, okay, we have sex today. I think in theory, that just sounds so fabulous. But with everything else that sounds so good, there are going to be rules. And things are around it. And so I think, should we actually start with maybe some of those rules and how they apply? Because in the long run, I mean, just to make it clear for everybody out there. And Mitha and I are not against friends with benefits. We are all for anybody who understands consensual beneficial sex. So we are all for that. But people need to understand exactly what this particular relationship structure is about. Yeah, because for me, I think the main thing is consent from both parties. And like you were talking about rules, I would think that it would be a horrible idea that if you were interested in another person, madly in love with them or something, you commit to this. Because I think then this is a ready-made recipe for potentially getting hurt. Because if the other person is not interested in you and is only interested in casual sex because they think it's friends with benefit, and you're really super interested in them, you might end up getting hurt because they never, they established that there would be no commitment here. There would not be any strings attached. It wouldn't be an emotional committed relationship. So I definitely, one thing that I would say is that if do not think this is the entryway into a relationship, like the movie show it, that this would be the starting point and then emotions, the classic thing that everybody says, they can never be sex without emotions. Like, let's realize that it's not necessary that this will be the beginning and will lead to emotion. So be careful about that. And it would be good if both people are on the same page rather than being a different ideas of what it is. Yeah, and tell me, I mean like, if you were going to suggest this in a class, let's say you were teaching sex ed and you were teaching a bunch of young people of consenting age, let's say 21 year olds about the idea of friends with benefits, what is the very first rule that you would lay down? The very first rule I would lay down is that there shouldn't be any coercion. It shouldn't be that somebody's pressurizing and you feel like you're gonna lose a friend in the process or that you agreed for it one time and then you thought, okay, it was a bad idea but you shouldn't feel pressure that because it's happened once, it has to happen all the time in some ways. And I think it's great to have a conversation about it before you jump into it. Like, obviously there's a lot of casual sex that happens. There are a lot of one night stands that happen where people will land up, hooking up with each other. However, this is an intentional, mindful step. So a conversation, this is not a hookup. This is establishing that this is how you're gonna extend your relationship. So I would say two things, like definitely a conversation of what this means and how it is and really establishing the boundaries of this relationship would be important for me to start with. I think that's so right because I was just thinking that there's this whole thing about emotions. We automatically think, even if you don't fall in love with that person, when you're intimate with somebody, there's a bond that occurs and you feel that they're going to be over there when you're feeling low or when you're feeling down. There is a tendency to talk to the person about your emotions, the person that you're sleeping with about emotions. And I think that's something that we also need to put out over here, that this person is not your emotional partner. They are a sexual partner who is safe. And for this particular reason, because like we were saying, we all have sexual needs, you don't want to go into a commitment, but this is your safest way to have a sexual partner without committing to anything. And of course, that also means that they're not there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on because that's not part of the rules. And I think that, you know, they are a friend in some ways, what I would say. So I think that is why it's not as clear cut because they are your friend, otherwise in everything. But what I agree with you is that I don't think you should complicate the idea. It's a simple idea of, this is somebody that you feel comfortable with, you feel safe with and when you have like sexual urges or you feel like having sex. And you know, this is somebody who's consenting to say, yeah, I feel like having sex too, let's do it rather than going and finding a stranger or going out. But they might actually not be great intimacy or emotional friends, you know, they might be great friends for having sex, but it's not necessary that they might be great at like giving you a shoulder to cry on or run to you when there's crisis. That is not what they have signed up for. So this person could be a BFF and they might be there for all those things as well. However, I think it's, you shouldn't automatically assume this. This is not a given. You need to see this as an extra. It's not a given for sure. And I also think that for a lot of us, much as we'd like to believe that we're of the modern world and we can deal with anything, I think for a lot of us when you are intimate with somebody, depending on the space you're in as well, you're feeling a little bit more vulnerable or whatever. There is a tendency to develop emotions for that person, but the rules of friends with benefits is that it's not actually an emotional connect. It is for a particular purpose. And if they fall in love with somebody else, I just had a message about that, you know, that there's this young lady who'd written to me saying that she has this relationship with somebody. So no strings at that sex, but that partner has somebody else that he's very in love with. And it's really, really bothering her and she doesn't like it. And she was actually getting quite angry. I mean, this was a very angry email that she'd written to me. But, you know, just to try, how do you explain to them? That's not something that you are entitled to. You haven't signed up for their emotional connect with you. They can have as many other partners as they want. They are no strings attached friends with benefits. Yeah. And I think that is why really having clarity for yourself about what you're signing on to, because that's what I started with. Like, if you're the person who believes in this idea that, oh, sex can't be without emotion. And then this would be a relationship and there'll be an extension. Do not engage in this. I would really encourage you to date people and find people and think, because the other person is going to see this as a transactional relationship. They're going to see it as something that both people have sexual urges. They decide to have good sex. The sex is good between two people. You know, obviously I don't think you would go and have friends with benefits relationship with somebody where sex is awful, right? So it's obviously the chemistry is good. The sex is good. And that's all that they're transacting for. So I would really analyze it for yourself because if you're that person who starts like getting involved with people or being emotional with somebody you'll have sex with is really important for you, then this is not a good relationship for you because, you know, like I'm saying, you'll land up getting hurt. And also there is a risk of depending on who, I personally think a lot of young people are now more open to sexual diversity. And I why I say today, even when I was in college, a lot of people would have friends and they would say that we're not exclusive, you know, nobody said I'm dating somebody for months, but the understanding is that we don't need to be exclusive. So they would be having sex with multiple people or dating multiple people. But that was like, it was known to the other person. But here, you know, it's very possible that they might not want to disclose to this new girlfriend or boyfriend that they have a friend, somebody who has friends with benefit, they might disclose and the other person might say you need to break up this friendship. Like there's so many, so there is a risk to it, you know, it's not though I believe in the younger generation and how open they are and they can sort it out, but the risks are there. Emotions are emotions, right? So one of the other things that always comes up, and I've had this question a few times. So if you have a friend with benefits and the person comes over or you go over to them, do you stay the night? Like that seems to be a measure. So, you know, that was in the movie. Like I think that was in the movie, that the whole thing about staying the night or not staying the night. And I think once again, it depends on, you know, what kind of friendship you have. I don't know, it's something that would be decided by two people, but if you're acquaintances or something like that, I think it would be a bit odd, you know, for you to stay the night. So Emotions, I've actually been thinking about this a little bit because, you know, it was something that actually got my brain ticking. And the way I see it is that if you are friends with benefits, even if you're friends, friends, if the role of that relationship is to have no strings attached casual sex, then I don't think it's okay to stay the night because I think that after you finish having sex, to curl up together and sleep in each other's arms changes the metric a little bit. If you're in a situation where you're really, you know, it's gonna be difficult. This is nighttime, you can't get back home at night because you live too far. I think that if it is absolutely necessary to stay the night, then you'll stay in a different role. So for me, what image keeps popping up and for the viewers who know the Bollywood references is Piku because in Piku, Deepika Patakone has the male partner that she works with, but he's kind of her friends with benefit. Like whenever she feels like having sex, they have sex, but it's very like, they're not dating, they're not in a relationship. It is a working friend, partner relationship, but they're sexually intimate with each other when they feel like, you know, when she's down, if you want to do the wine, she feels like having sex, she calls him. But I feel like how it was dealt with was a little bit of maturity. Like he was there, he spent the night, he was there when the father, Amitabh Bachchan, got ill. And but the next morning, I think they dealt with it with such maturity. Like it was just understood that this is a transaction that happened at night and it doesn't need to be made a big deal in the morning. It's not like now he's the boyfriend or the partner and he's now responsible for taking care of the father or any of it. It was dealt with exactly how it was. They might have had sex, but that doesn't change his role suddenly in the dynamic and the thing. So I think what's more important is that, that, you know, even if you have to spend the night, you know, I don't know about the cut laying, like people could see things, but what's really key is that your role in the other person's life doesn't really become different just because you're sleeping with them. If you are somebody who needs to hug somebody and sleep, then maybe, yeah, like don't like create environments. But otherwise I think if you deal with it with maturity, I think it can be dealt with either way. Like, you know, this is of course been around for centuries. It's not an unusual new thing. I remember about 15 years ago, a friend of mine telling me that he is part of a little club where it's all professionals who work in the city, you know, all high-powered men and women who don't really want a relationship, they don't want a commitment, but every now and then they need to, you know, be sexually active or intimate. And they have the ability to pick up the phone and call somebody else on that list. So it's a list of about, I think, 20 people. And yeah, you know, go over, have a bit of sex, go home. And I think that, you know, I still remember thinking, I wonder how they picked those people to be on there because it's clearly a very exclusive club. So yeah, basically, this is not anything new. I'm just saying that because people talk about it a lot more, it's interesting to see that we can now actually start laying down rules. Okay, most important one over here. If you go into a relationship with benefits, like, which is literally, as we're talking about friends with benefits, no commitments, no strings attached sex, do you go into it with a time limit or is it open-ended? As in I think it is, I think it would be between two people. I don't know what you think about it, but I do think what's important to talk about beforehand, even from, you know, your perspective is to say, like, how would you, and there is a whole lot to speak about monogamy and polygamory here and everything. But if you're somebody who believes in a monogamous relationship and you do decide to start dating somebody, I think it's a fair thing to say to somebody before saying that, you know, I like this, I want to do this, but I want to let you know that if I, you know, if I'm in a committed relationship, this will have to end. So I hope you don't feel bad at that time, right? So I think whatever the boundaries are for you, you know, is it starting to date somebody? Is it relationship? Is it like when it becomes too intense and then you'll feel like, okay, this is changing or, you know, as a relationship, I need to walk out of it. So I just think you should reflect about it and beforehand tell the other person so that they're aware, because I think otherwise there are high chances of the other person getting hurt or, you know, misunderstanding it and everything. So I would say that is more important for me than actually putting a timeline to the relationship. Okay, that's definitely an interesting point and something to think about. I think I'm just wondering whether I would like to enter into it almost like a contract, you know, keeping it emotionally hygienic so that there isn't this mess afterwards because the potential for this becoming messy, it's pretty big. So I think there are two aspects of it. One aspect of it is that's why I think it's got nothing to do with the other person, it's got everything to do with you. If you're the sort of person who thinks that having a sexual relationship with somebody is going to turn emotional for you and it takes say three months, four months, five months, six months, then maybe be aware of that, you know, be aware and say, look, I'm thinking about this on a time limited basis. At the same time, because like we've established that it's a very complicated relationship, finding the rhythm with someone who can have sex and then be normal with you the next day or be in your friend circle and act normally and not be clingy or wanting emotional thing, to find that rhythm is quite tough as well, you know. So I think sometimes people just find that comfortable space and they don't wanna get rid of it because they feel like, okay, this person gets it. It's uncomplicated, it works, you know. And so some people just have a working partnership that works. So I think it depends on where you are and what kind of relationship you've managed to establish. And really thinking about yourself is really important. And I think what I'm getting from this entire conversation is that to reiterate that a relationship like this is for somebody with emotional maturity, not for somebody who's high on hormones. This is not for you if you're thinking you are flapping around thinking, I want sex, I want sex, just give me anybody. This is not for you. This is something that has to be very carefully thought out and I wanna give you just as we finish an example of one of the best of these that I have come across. It's a friend of mine, she is almost my age, she's literally, I think about a year younger than me. She started one of these relationships a few years ago. She went through the whole thing of, you know, initially it was just for this. It was very comfortable, very easy going. They lead down the rules of the relationship. Then she went through a phase of feeling emotionally attached, feeling emotionally vulnerable, feeling like it wasn't, you know, like when you feel, oh my God, why isn't this person ringing me? Why is he avoiding me? How come I come last on that list of priorities which are all the things that people go through when you get emotionally attached. But I guess maybe her maturity is what came to her rescue because then she went past that. And they have now settled into this fabulous relationship where it is literally their friends, they have the sex between them. They go for a couple of nice meals every now and then and that's it. It is so wonderfully done. But to get to that, as I said, you need to be mature, you need to have thought it out. You need to go through your slight ups and downs and it is definitely not for somebody who is emotionally or sexually vulnerable. Absolutely. And also don't, as in I would really suggest that don't, just because you know somebody has a crush on you and somebody is, you know, and it's not an easy, you know, it's not an easy way of like you started getting sex. You know, there is that chances of people getting hurt at the end. So be more mature about it. It can be a really fun, safe way of having good sex. So, you know, there's nothing wrong with it. But at the same time, be respectful and be, you know, like be respectful of the other person and, you know, their emotions or them not getting hurt. So it's really important that respect and safety are thought about. Consent, respect and safety are thought about. Thank you so much for that, Anvita. I hope that for everybody listening out there, this has been helpful. If you found it useful, do comment, like, subscribe. If you need to get in touch with Anvita for any kind of consultation, she is on. And at that.medanbehel.com. And if you need to send in any questions, I am on info.seema.anand at gmail.com. These email addresses, of course, will be down there in the caption. So don't worry if you didn't catch it. We look forward to hearing from you. And in the meantime, do please take care of yourselves and stay safe. See you soon.