 Avid and Costello programs starring Bud Avid and Lou Costello, brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobacco. The Avid and Costello program with a modern rhythm of willows, Bernanis Orchestra, Iris Hadrian, our singing star Connie Hayes, and spotlighting that chubby, chucky little cherub, who when caught trying to rent his kid brother to a freak show because he heard his mother say he had grown another foot, calmly said, Well, Costello, late again. Here I get you a nice job in Mellon Head's department store, and on the very first day you come in late for work. Well, what's your excuse this time? Well, Avid was watching a Santa Claus parade. And what a parade! I know that. First came a big bunch of movie stars, and then came... Oh, what came after Lady Cadiva? The cops. Oh, talking like a child. Horses in a Christmas parade. What the hell? All kinds of animals in a parade, Avid. You should have seen that great big giraffe. Giraffe? Yeah, you know what, Avid? What? I wish I was the body of a giraffe and Lana Turner was the head. Why? I always wanted the long neck with Lana Turner. Cost... Costello, get... Get busy and dust off those counters. Come on, yeah. Now, you dust off the counters. Get over there and dust them off. Avid, I've got to hang up this sign. Oh, boy, isn't that a beautiful sign? What'd I say? Look at it. Original gowns by Costello. Nifty creation, stressors and tapes for slender young figures and droopy old shapes. C. Pierre Costello. And how can you call yourself a French design... I mean designer? Have you ever been... Have you ever been to Paris? Oui, oui. I'm a well-known parasite. And... Have you studied the latest styles? Oui. Did you look over the French models? Wow! You see, in other words, you like mannequins. No, I like girlikins. You like girlikins? Yes, babykins. I'll talk to them. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Pardon me, but do you have a large aluminum pot? Yes, I have. My heavens, how do you get your pants on? No, you laugh. I think I'll pull it on Abbot. Hey, Abbot, have you got a large aluminum pot? No, but I've got a six-cup percolator. Now, what am I going to do with the pants? I'm sick of talking to you. If you want me, I'll be in ladies lingerie. You'll be where? I'll be in ladies lingerie. Well, that's a nice picture. You're going to wear scanties for panties? No, no, no. You tell me. I'll be in ladies lingerie. I'll be in ladies lingerie. No, no, no. You tell me. I'm going over there to pick out a blouse for my wife. Uh, a peek-a-boo. A what? Peek-a-boo. Okay. Peek-a-boo! I see you. I didn't know you liked to play kiddie games. Look, will you shut up? I'm going to get my wife a blouse and a nice pair of mules. A pair of mules? Yes. I wonder what my wife would say to a pair of mules. Well, she'd probably say like everybody else. Whoa, and kiddie apps. I'm talking about a pair of bedroom mules. Bedroom mules? Yes. My wife has all kinds of mules in her bedroom. Red mules, green mules. Why, she even has a pair of check-in mules. Hey, Abbot, do you see all those different color mules with your own eyes? Certainly, I see them every night. In fact, I saw them this morning. Let me smell your breath. Look, you dummy, doesn't your mother have mules in her bedroom? No, my father's very particular. Look, when your mother gets up in the morning, what does she put on her feet? Corn plasters. No, no, no. She must have some kind of mules. There are two kinds of mules, silk and felt. Felt? Yes. Hasn't your mother felt mules? No, she never touches any kind of animals. Forget about the animals. Every woman likes mules. Now, my wife uses a pair of mules to go around the house. What's the matter? Is she too lazy to walk? When she gets up in the morning, she always slips on her mules. Why don't she keep them out in the backyard? Why, my wife needs her mules to keep her feet warm. You mean? She keeps her mules under the bed. I'm going right up to Mr. Mellahin's office and tell him that you're not fit to work in an apartment store. Please don't do that. Why not? Well, I should. I'm trying to make some Christmas money to buy my dear old mother present. What do you mean? I wanted to get her a little pet squirrel. You want to buy a little squirrel for your mother? Yes, Abbott. I figured he could help her with the housework and do the dusting. Wait a minute. A little bit of squirrel. Wait a minute. How could a squirrel help your mother with the dusting? We just tie up a tail and let them run between a Venetian blind man. Ah, that freak named Eason is the best teacher. Yes, experience is the best teacher. When cigarettes were scarce, most smokers took what they could get. One day, one brand, another day, some other brand. Did that experience teach anything? Listen. Actions speak louder than words. Yes, actions speak louder than words. The actions of smokers today speak louder than any words about any cigarette. For, after more experience with different brands than ever before, more smokers are asking for camels than ever before. C-A-M-E-L-S. Camels are the choice. For experience is the best teacher. Camel presents Will Osborne and his orchestra. From Will's new picture, swing for eight of 1946, just a little fond affection. Shopping. Shopping? Church is a diamond-studded partnum, compact. Compact? Compact, robbed as a gift. You'll rob it carefully, won't you? Oh, I'll rob it very carefully. I'll tie some twine around it. I'll put it in some color. Well, that will be splendid. And send the package to my winter home in Sunvoli. Hey, Abbot, did you get that? We're going to send the package to her winter home in Sunvoli. Yes, I go boat sledding all winter. Boat sledding? Yes, don't you just love to go boat sledding? No, I'd rather go tobogganing in the snooze. I'll be going now. And a bone-swad to you. And a crepes is up to you. Abbot, imagine that thing trying to fool me with French words. Listen, it is. How old is Deserves, Philly Mignon, Parmiguitierre, and Demitassie? Is that all you know? I only had the 35-cent dinner. Oh, hey, Castella. Castella. Castella, here comes your girlfriend. Lean against it. There you are, you beard-bear-old. Can't help it, Lena. I guess it's the Van Johnson in me. Who's sacred word? That's the gut that I haven't got. What else? A dollar's a piece. Okay. Where salesmanship comes in, you've got to make them buy it. Now, I'll pretend that I'm a customer, and when I come up, you sell me one of those umbrellas. Now, here I... I'd like to buy an umbrella. I can let you have one for five hours. Look at these lifesavers. Put those that teach you salesmanship from my store. And here I'd like to buy an umbrella. Oh, back again, eh? What do you mean, back again? I've never been in here before. I swear you were just in here. I never figured a face, especially a long face like yours. Never mind about the length of my face. What an idiot you are. Get off of behind that counter. I'll be the clerk, and you'll be the customer. Now, you come up and ask for an umbrella, and I'll show you how to sell umbrellas. Okay, here I come. Good morning, clerk. Good morning. Would you like to buy an umbrella? No, thanks. Dummy, you want an umbrella? Call an umbrella's here in California. What do you call them? I'll make you buy an umbrella for five dollars. You are? Yes. I'll buy it. I'll show you what salesmanship really means. Now, get out that door and come in again. I miss jumping, seen a croaker. There's the smoke of a camel is to my T-zone. The T-zone. T for taste, T for throat. The zone where smokers test the smoke of any cigarette. Yes, in his own T-zone, each smoker tests for himself the smoke of a cigarette. How the first cigarette of the morning tastes on your tongue. How even the last cigarette of the day feels to your throat. Only your T-zone can tell. And millions of smokers forced by the recent cigarette shorties to try many different brands found that camels truly suited their T-zones to a T. That's why today more smokers prefer camels than ever before. C-A-M-E-L-S. For camels are the choice of experience. What are you doing up here in the toy department? Why aren't you working? Oh, but I love toys. Just look at this cute little electron at the seat. I'm acting like a little kid. I ought to buy you a doll in some games. Just get me a doll. I'll think up the games. You better not let Mr. Bellenhead catch you fooling around up here. Oh, yeah, I'd like to see him working here right now. I'd be worthy to get off, eh, because 6,500 Hollywood Boulevard. Well, you get off at my street. One last chance, Castello. Here comes one of my store's best customers. Now, see if you can wait on her. Okay. Come on, Castello. Oh, oh, how do you do, Mrs. Niles? Oh, no, I see you have a new washing machine on display. Oh, pardon me. It's Castello. The tub fooled me. Mrs. Niles, I don't want to have any discussions with you. Not doing the happy you-tidy season. Every time I talk to you, I have an awful time holding my temper in. Well, that's silly, Castello, holding your temper in and letting the rest of you spread all over the place. Oh, I wish you hadn't said that, Mrs. Niles. I was just about to say you're beautiful as a summer sky. You're riser like a twinkling star. You're here as like clouds. My husband, Kenneth, that'll make him very happy. Where are you going to get a new face? All right, Castello, that's enough. Tell me, Mrs. Niles, could we interest you for some friend in the service? Well, yes. Now, what could you suggest for a soldier about 35? A blonde, about 21. You, Castello, Miss Rabbit, there's another present I have to get. Oh, it's for an old flame of mine I used to run around with when I was a young girl. If you ran around with him when you were a young girl, you'd better get him a bowl. A bowl? Yeah, and something to soak his bread in. Dear Ralph, you know, he and two other boys, Roger and Grant, proposed to me one night, but I turned them all down. Oh, you know, it made them so unhappy that the very next day, Roger took strip nine, Ralph took arsenic, and Grant took Richmond. You insult my best customer, that doesn't. Get your hat on coat and get out. Just a minute. This doesn't look like a full week's salary. Will I count it? Go on. 10, 20, 30, 41, 42, 43. It's all here. 43 cents. No Christmas bonus? All right, here's a bonus. 44 cents I got now. All right, now get out. Well, I warned you, Castello. Now you're fired. What are you going to do? I'm not going to lose my temper. Not around Christmas time anyway. I'm going to return good for evil. I'm going to spend all my salary right here in this very store. No, I don't know how you do it, Castello. Mrs. Niles is mad at you, your girlfriend is mad at you, and now Mellonhead is mad at you. But there's one person in this world that loves me. That's my Uncle Artie Stevin's wife, my Aunt Annie. Come on, Abbot. I'm going to buy her something at the cosmetic counter. Cleansing tissue. Cleansing what? Tissue, tissue. Well, it seems kind of silly, but if you want to tiss me, go ahead. All right, Castello, let me handle this. Madam, my friend here is a little confused. He doesn't know what to get his aunt Annie for Christmas. Well, maybe I can help. What kind of a complexion does she have? Is she fair, dark or medium? Oh, she has a peach complexion. A peach complexion? Yeah, yellow and fuzzy. I imagine she could use one of our facial kits. One of your what? The lady wants to sell you a kit. What I want to buy a kit for, I'm going to marry and have kits of my own. This lotion, then she covers her face with the white of an egg, some sour cream, and a cake of cheese. She did that once. Well, what happened? She broke out in biscuits. Castello, if you don't buy something pretty soon, I'm going to walk out on you. Well, just a minute, boys. How about something for the lady's hair? Does she have a snoot? Certainly she's got a snoot. Well, is it a short snoot that hangs down her back? No, it's a long snoot that hangs down over her chin. Castello, the lady is talking about your aunt's hairdo. Yes. What does her hairdo? Yes. Comes out when she calms down. Now, Castello, we're trying to find out how she does her hair. Does she pile it on the top of her head or does she drop it down her neck? She hangs it up in the closet. No. Look, Castello, does she wear her hair off her face? No, it takes too long to wear it off. She has to pull it out with tweezers. Look, Miss, please. Castello's aunt is short in fat, just like him. Oh, use the machine. Call the melt your... Don't stings her a big face. Now, Castello, how can you call a thing a fake without trying it? How much does your aunt weigh? 240 pounds with a girdle on. Well, how much does she weigh with a doll? I don't know. She could never get it off. That you are. If you're a skeptical young man, what else? No, that's fair enough. Go ahead, get into the machine. And we'll find out if it works. Wait a minute, Abbott. No, no. Oh, go on. Get in there. Go on. Go on. Get in there. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. There are thousands of camels cigarettes. Those thus honors the different units of the Army, Navy, Marines and Coast Guard, a total of a million camels sent free each week. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States twice a week, a rebroadcast to practically every area in the world, where our men are stationed, and in cooperation with a good neighbor policy also to Central and South America. Listen next Thursday when Camel again presents Abbott and Costello. And I'll hear but Abbott and Lou Costello of the final word. Ladies and gentlemen, we have had many complaints that the program is too short, so we'd like to ask you a question. Ladies and gentlemen, what would you say if starting next week you could hear a full hour of Abbott and Costello? Oh no! Not that! Hey, you! Hey, you think you're pretty smart interrupting us every week! I'll ask you a question. Go ahead. There's a mule on one side of the river. On the other side is a bale of hay. The river's 40 feet deep. How's the mule get the hay? I give up. That's what the other jackass thinks. So, goodnight everybody, and don't forget, by all the victory bonds you possibly can at your local theater. Did I? You possibly? And remember, try camels in your tea zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat, to a tea. More and more veterans of the war are being returned to civilian life every day. Many already have civilian jobs. Others are looking for jobs. Here are a few simple facts that every veteran, every employer, indeed every American, should know. The average veteran will make a far better employee than before the war. His selection for service in the armed forces proved his physical and mental soundness. His training in the armed forces has probably given him special skills and know-how, useful in many civilian jobs. His service in the armed forces has given him the discipline, self-reliance, and maturity that are invaluable ingredients of success. On shopping, here's a suggestion. Give a man the one-pound Christmas tin of Prince Albert tobacco. When you give Prince Albert, you give a gift that'll go on giving top pleasure for a long, long time. Yes, in that one-pound Prince Albert tin are 400 pipefuls of the smoothest, grandest smoking a man ever tasted. The Prince Albert no-bite treatment takes out parts and stings, yet leaves in the rich, satisfying flavor of mellow tobaccos, and he's sure to like Prince Albert for its the biggest selling pipe tobacco in the world. And be sure on Saturday night to tune in the great Prince Albert radio show, Grand Ole Opera, Coast to Coast, on NBC. The Aberdeen Costello Show for Camel Cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night. This is the National Broadcasting Company.