 We have to quickly record this video before our boss wakes up. He's just around the corner in his room corner. He's just there. He's just there. So yeah. Welcome to another video here on the channel. Me plus you is us. My name is Kwame and I hope you can see my face. Yes. Why not? No, I'm just. Oh, okay. My name is Elaine. What? I was just making sure like hope they can see my face. Like, you know, I hope the frame is nice. That's all I'm saying. Okay. I'm sure it's nice. Yeah. So today we're going to record or talk about. Maybe we should introduce a new partner in. A new partner. A new partner in me plus you is us. No. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because we are recording a borrowed time. I just want to go, go, go. Okay. So me plus you is us has now become a three some. Wow. Not in that way. Kind of. I mean, it's not three people part of the us. Yeah. But it's not like a threesome in the way that. Yeah. A threesome is. But yeah. Okay. Okay. So we're back. We don't know how long we have until our boss wakes up. And yeah, we just welcome Dawson or. A baby boy. Yeah. Into the family. So me plus you is us is now what. Family of three. It's now a family of three. And we've been with this guy for a month. It's been quite interesting. Yeah. We've made a few discoveries because before we started or before we started this journey with him, you know, we were doing a pregnancy. We're looking at all these videos or watching videos, trying to learn how to, I mean, survive the first few weeks. And there's a lot on the internet. Yeah. Yeah. So much of the internet that people were sharing. And so we're going to see which of the ones that we learned or we discovered that are actually truths or myths. According to what we've experienced. So some of the things that we saw online, like stories or don't work. Yeah. So that's what we're discussing in today's video. And the first one actually applies to this. I don't know if you can see the bags under our eyes. We're going to. Yes. The first one is the word sleep. When the baby sleeps. Yeah. A lot of people say you need to sleep when the baby sleeps. And there are a lot of. Jokes and memes about how or why that doesn't work. Yeah. And I think even now, like record when the baby sleeps. As you can see, we had to take a small break just to comfort him. And it doesn't really work like that. Because when your baby sleeps, yes. She's not asleep. He sleeps. Yes. But there are also other things you need to do. You need to eat. You need to shower. You need to clean up. Clean the house. Yeah. You need to cook. So, and averagely in the beginning, the baby eats every two, three hours depending on. Sometimes four. If the meal or if it's breastfed well, sometimes it goes beyond maybe three and a half hours. Yeah. But that it doesn't mean you have three hours because you have almost an hour to feed. So what you have is two hours in between. And you also need to take care of yourself as in very like the very basic things like eat sleep, go to the washroom and all these things. Yeah. All in these two hours. So it doesn't really. He doesn't really count as three hours, three hours of free time. No. Yeah. It always feels your own borrowed time. And yeah. And where this particular phase right now where he's going through a growth spurt at the moment. So even that three hours has now been shortened to an hour and hour and 45 minutes at most. Sometimes even shorter. So now it feels like you're feeding cleaning, putting to bed and repeats because he's up in the next five minutes by the time they're done. It's also because they, so they have a growth spurt. So they need a lot of extra food. So it's pretty impossible to get anything else done than feed him. Yeah. So sleep when the baby sleeps doesn't apply to, no, there's no, there's not a logic that works. I don't know at which points this may work. Maybe when they have longer sleep times, maybe when it's six hours. Or even four. Yeah. I would sign for four. When they are way older and they are sleeping longer than maybe you can also nap. But it's not like sleep sleep. You have like 45 minutes to an hour max of napping. But that also takes a lot of discipline actually. The naps. Yeah. I mean, you're tired, but it's not always that sleep comes to you or. Yes. But I think that's the whole thing. This baby disrupts your whole schedule because I was even thinking like, when will I sleep and like a full eight hours again? That might be never. Not in the first year or maybe when the baby is with somebody else, but you're not going to give your baby to somebody else to just take care of maybe family or something or close friends. But yeah. So yeah, it's just disrupts. Yeah. Like you just have, I am not a night owl. So I'm really struggling with the night. I'm also struggling with the night as well. We're, we're trying our schedules or, yeah, rotations or shifts to work. But yeah, it's still not the easiest thing to do. And yeah, I don't know if you guys can hear him. We're just making sure to see if it's just an active sleep. And he's not going to come wanting something. His eyes are closed. It's going down. Yeah. Let's go to the next one real quick. The second one is you can't solve everything. This one doesn't apply to me. Yeah. So I am the kind of person who wants, like I see him in distress and I think that, oh no, I should fix it. Or I hope I can just make it go away. And I want to calm him. I want to clean him. I want to do this. I want to just stop it, you know, to get it, the whole distress over with. And over time we've learned that there are different kinds of cries and what it means and what you can do and what you can't do. Some of them are cramps and cramps coming. You can't do anything about it. Maybe you want to give them gripe water. But then of course when it comes to medication or medicines, you also have to be really careful what you're giving your child. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe explain how the cramps come. Like why do they get cramps? So they get cramps for a few reasons. One, they are gastrointestinal. Bowls. Or bowls, whatever, are developing. So it's not that it's processing the food as quickly as the adult person would. So they get gassed up really quickly. When they're eating as well, eating very fast, when you don't burp them properly, all these things that accumulate to or add up to causing them to have cramps. And when the cramps come, depending on how intense it is, we've seen really, really intense cramps. Some that make you want to cry with him because you can't do anything about it. Yeah. He really clenches you as well. He just twitches. Yeah. It's really like clawing through you. Like, you know, it's painful. Help me. Why is it not going away? Yeah. You can't explain to him because he's a small, like he's a baby. You can't say like, I just have to get through this. I mean, we're telling him that. But of course it's hard to see. I think when he hears that he cries even harder. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. You can't solve everything. And sometimes you can do is just comfort and support and just be there for the baby. Yeah. Sometimes that's all you can do. And you shouldn't try to fix everything. Yeah. I'm still learning that. Yeah. That's part of parenthood. Yeah. I don't know if I'll learn it completely, but I'm still there learning. And yeah, of course, this one is very self-explanatory. No two babies are the same. So if you have friends in your circle. Yeah. Our family. I mean, parents also like to comment a lot on what to do and what not to do. And I think for us, we are trying to find our own way. Of course, we are open for advice, but you also instinctively kind of already get to know your baby. Yeah. I don't think everything applies. And also, even if you look at your parents, that was a very different generation. Like the information that was out there was very different on like how to care for your baby. Like I know, for example, in my parent generation, they were really warning you not to pick up your baby too much because they're scared that it was going to be too depending on you. Yeah. It's going to be too codependent. Yeah. And so I think I saw this meme the other day on Facebook where people are telling mothers what to do. Don't pick up your baby too much, but also why is your baby crying? Yeah. Why are you allowing your baby to cry? Yeah. You know, and all these things that are contradictory advice that people tend to give. No two babies are the same. Only you know what you and your baby are going through and you understand your baby very well. Especially spending almost 24 hours a day with this person or this baby and it's just rotation after rotation. So sometimes, yeah, you know how to soothe or care for the baby and sometimes the advice people give tend to, oh, okay, actually it works or it's changed the way you see and care for the baby. But I think you get a feel of what works for your baby and not and you just try out a lot of things as well. Like with the cramps, somebody learned us like that. Told us how to... He's just punishing me. How to put the baby on the arm and then they get pressure on the belly. But he doesn't really like that. No, he doesn't. Like he just wants to be held vertically and walked around. Just walked around and just jumped like... You have a lot of figuring out to do. That's just it. He prefers the soothing bounce that you give him instead of that lying on the tummy. Yeah, so no two babies are the same. And the next one is going to be Elaine talking about that because breastfeeding is not for everyone. Yeah, I think, I don't know. I mean, now we're in the Netherlands so I don't know about the discourse in Ghana on breastfeeding but it is quite hard to get your baby to latch and get him to latch or him or her latch well so that it doesn't hurt you physically. Because it is not easy. Your breasts are not used to feeding yet. Things are sensitive or are painful and sometimes you will not produce enough milk. Sometimes your baby doesn't want to latch. Maybe your baby falls asleep immediately when you latch him. There's a lot of things and I understand I am trying to breastfeed as much as I can because I feel I want to try but I can understand that women choose not to do this because it's literally another job on another job because you're already caring for a very small person and then you're also giving out literally so much energy and so much like you're literally producing food so you yourself, you have to even eat more I think she said 400 calories extra you give out 400 calories anytime you breastfeed So you have to really step up here eating you need to drink enough you need to make sure you are not stressed otherwise your milk doesn't flow like it is really a difficult thing to navigate our boss is calling Let's give it a few seconds, we'll be back Where were we? Breastfeeding is not for everybody I understand why women don't do it why you decide to do formula and that's fine too I think we should be a bit more gentle on women of course breast milk has advantages Very high advantages but it's not your body first of all not every woman's body produces the same amount of breast milk and not every woman's breasts react well with breastfeeding as a process and sometimes there are infections that could happen there's so much that could happen to the human body after that breast process You also just gave birth to a little person so give yourself time and grace to figure out if that's something you want to do or not and I really benefited from the help we got in Netherlands so they helped me with how to latch and also how to see if I want to pump or do I want to breastfeed or do we already going to do formula so you have options and I think that really has helped us to plan his meals better without stressing ourselves out too much So find your options and find the things that work for you I'm also still learning that one Much better and I think the next one is it takes two to tango which is something I have come to learn and appreciate in this last month and I really really dove my heart to all parents or single parents or parents doing it by themselves or doing most of the work because it's a lot and it is really nice to do it together because you can really work as a team but it also requires you to really communicate and it really requires you to also know yourself well so what we try to check in with each other like do you want me to take over are you okay because sometimes things get to you like when he can cry or he's fussy and you're not sure what to do and if it's the middle of the night it feels like there's no end to it it can really get to you or with the cramps like you particularly found it very hard to see him like that and that made you very sad so then you shouldn't walk with him too long because then you will get sad so I think I'm really grateful to do it with you because I think I would have crumbled if you were doing it alone imagine the amount of work that is done or supposed to be done and in the beginning how especially where your heads are at everything is overwhelming you're not sleeping enough you just came from labour which is also an intense experience and you don't have time to process it because there's a little person wanting to eat wanting to change cleaned up and everything you're also getting bombarded with people who don't mean harm but just want to help and they're getting so many like oh no do this do that do that and there are those who also have very strong opinions on yeah you must so it's a lot to process and even think about doing alone yeah and I think with us because I was in the hospital the first few days and I couldn't do as much so grandma really took on the diaper changing something I saw very much enjoy yeah and you got really good at that so we developed first routine together so grandma would change him temperature him and then I would feed him or grandma would feed him and especially in the beginning I couldn't get up as quickly so then grandma would take that part if he would cry he would get out and then later when I was more mobile we will switch it again so now we are also dividing the kind of the shift especially in the night because if you do every shift together like we did in the beginning and doing the I change him she feeds we had to learn to do both individually so that one person can take one shift feed and change and put him back to sleep so that person can sleep longer and then run run run run run I just think it's good to discuss with your partner what works because grandma works for himself so he can space out his work a little bit but of course when somebody has to go to the office can you ask them to do a night shift I don't know it's also not the easiest things to ask of your partner so figure out what works for you and you should also be try to do your equitable best not use your work as an excuse and then everything goes to fall on the other person but if it's something that's working for your relationship fine but I really can't imagine it's not being a two person thing and yeah or even if you don't have a partner or your partner is limited in time or I don't know ask for help because get all the help you need family, friends, we ask a lot of people cook for us dinner in the beginning my siblings came over to cook we had somebody come to take care of the household just fuck him and everything we didn't even have time to there's a fireplace here to warm the place in the first four days we wouldn't even have the time to lit the fire and warm the house well like it is such an experience in the beginning so you really ask for help because this is not something you should do on your own in my opinion because you ask a lot of yourself and the baby of course also feels if you're stressed or agitated or it's getting too much we try when we get there to switch and see how best we can conquer it because it's a lot taking care of somebody else in such a dedicated way yeah it's a lot and our final point truth or myth this one for us is the truth self care is still very important you're gonna lose it you're not gonna like you shower at 4pm that's your first bath of the day because you wake up and you just go straight to work taking care of the baby and you know trying to survive but I think it's good to point out that self care doesn't mean you have to go to spa days like three days after giving birth no you can even brush my teeth in the beginning if I was able to brush my teeth in the morning I was so happy you wake up and you're already in it yes like he wakes up crying you immediately get to work let's feed this human being put him back to sleep there's a mess in the house you're trying to clean up but also for me the shower in the morning was really important because when you just give birth you have a lot of hormones that have to get out of your body and some women get like sweat a lot in the night like it's literally sweat attacks that's what I had so in the morning when I would wake up I would feel so like I just wanted to shower the night off because I also had a lot of yeah you're processing the whole birthing so there's a lot going on in the night and I just wanted to shower to start fresh not think too much about how the night was but just start cleaning 10 minutes to shower then Kwame would be with the baby would really help me to start on a positive note yeah but I think you also did a bit of self care right yeah and now that we're getting the hang of it sometimes when family or a friend visits and is staying longer we would give the other person grace which Elaine is doing very well for me that okay you just go and spend time with this person and go out for 2 hours and go do this activity for yourself just to clay your mind or something so yeah it's also checking in which I had not been doing so much off because I was just go go go go concentrating on the baby and you know I've gotten reminders over time that yeah check in with your partner as well it's really really important to check in with your partner they also need something sometimes they want a break to go out or do anything but just that you're aware of their mental health needs as well and you're asking if there's something you can do for them and then you do it to the best of your ability and give them that you know room to also calm down and just be mentally yeah up there enough to still be a team player which is really really important yeah but I also think it's like it's important to I mean of course it's early now but it's important to sometimes not be the parent like you are more than just a parent to this new baby you're also a person and I know Carmen needs to go out from time to time just to do something for himself or check something's out or meet like do something new just to you know get this yeah keep you happy like you happy yourself by yeah having a few hours for yourself and I understand that so for me I am not because I'm still recovering and I don't crave the outside as much but I do like so when the weather is good like yesterday for example we went for a walk yeah and that one helps me to also okay there's more than the inside of this house and there's more than yeah there's the outside as well yeah outside world exists I have been going outside a lot because I have to do grocery shopping and since she can't move around a lot I'm the one who drives everywhere or I do the driving and yeah I mean I take it upon myself to like make sure that she both of them are not like caught up in any kind of like or this wasn't done or so it's a real partnership yeah and it's a balance for you to be a new parent but also you're also so you see each other in a new role but you also are still your own person and you are a partner so it's it's a lot to navigate and we are not done but it's been a steep learning I don't think this ever had done no but I mean it has been a very steep learning curve yeah very I think that's also what these are just small like nuggets but it has been a steep learning curve on yeah a lot of things yeah not only it's not only about the newborn it's also about us discovering about your new role how do you feel in your new role what do you need to stay sane and what a role is asking of you and how you're going to navigate that yeah and also expectations of other people or like people want to help but not everything works so it's it's it's a new level of life opening up to us yeah it feels like I was describing to a friend I don't know if I can say it well in English but so like you feel like okay you know life you know yourself you have found somebody spending your life with this like I'm not saying like it's steady right I mean there's still things that life throws at you but you have kind of a foundation but now it feels like there's a little hatchet that is opened up you felt through it and suddenly you're at a new level yeah yeah it literally feels like that it's like a new level like a checkpoint and now everything has changed like they've just switched the maze yeah and then they put different things in there like whoa you know so now but I like I think somebody I think a friend of yours said that that and I believe that too like everything you have experienced so far in your life has prepared you for this and babies also come with I don't know how he said it he said babies come with that the universe like you have committed to care for this baby and the universe will collude to kind of support you and it will show up in people but also opportunities like work opportunities and it's all there to push you forward push you and your new person if you couldn't do it you wouldn't be in a position so yeah that's us with our backs on her eyes trying to make sense of it all yeah so yeah we share what we've processed and this is our channel me plus you is us stay tuned for more conversations and insights on this new part of our life luckily we're done recording and our boss didn't get up again yes so we've finished one down yep and many more to go alright catch you later day day day day day day day yes yes day