 The Columbia Broadcasting System presents a new comedy. My? Wilson is Irma and Kathy Lewis is Jane, with John Brown as Al, and life Erickson is Richard. I'm concerned the question is how far can the opposite go? By the time we went to the movies, and right in the middle of the show, I noticed Irma reading. Irma, I said, why are you reading instead of looking at the screen? And she said, well everybody tells me the book is better than the picture. Everybody, even her boss. Phone but I'll give him the message. Yes? I should have asked who it was. He says dictation. Just like mine. Mr. Clyde. You read that letter? Being in Reno with Mrs. Ben Truman for a divorce. She's got a steady job and works for a boyfriend, so she can never get fired. Gerard just called. Forget Mr. Gerard, Jane. Say, what's this nonsense about you resigning from your job? Well, Richard, I think my letter of resignation speaks for itself. But why? Richard, I've come to the conclusion that it's better to be the boss's wife and worry about the secretary than be the secretary and worry about being the boss's wife. Jane, Jane, our personal life has nothing to do with our business relationship. Richard, I'm sorry, in this case it does. In fact, your entire office force is getting a new occupational disease. Keyhole squat and transomitis. But he's either standing up or getting down. That's just idle office gossip. Well, it's embarrassing both to me and to you, and it's bound to reach the ears of your father, Richard, so I quit. But how will you make a living, Jane? Well, fortunately, Irma has a good, steady job. She'll take care of me like that. Said goodbye to Richard. I went home feeling pretty low, but not as low as I might have felt if Mr. Phillips in the office across the hall hadn't stopped me. He gave me some extra work that I could do for him at home. Won't keep me in sables, but at least I won't be a burden on Irma. In fact, I don't think I'll even tell her. I'll just get my old typewriter from the closet and I'll start working tonight. As long as we're speaking about nothing, where's Al? He's come to pass. Honey, I'm going to go down to the drugstore for a minute and, by the way, I may keep you up late tonight because I'm going to do some extra work. Well, Jane, I wouldn't do that. You know, the old saying makes Jack a dull boy. Tell us if he found out about Jack. Wanted to change the linen. Hey, I've been thinking it over. I go to work, right? Somebody has to pack my lunch so I marry you. They work me like a dog. I come home, I mirror them, we quarrel, and we fight. First thing you know, we're throwing things at each other. Finally, you get hit, you fall to the floor, crunch. Like a job, it ain't worth it to make you miserable. It'll be miserable. Well, I'm glad you see it my way, kid. Oh, I do, Al. What do you mean, it's a small world? Oh, the day before you quit your job, I get fired. This is a problem. We've got to find the answer. Well, the important thing to me, Al, is not to be a burden to Jane. Honey, I know exactly how you feel. All we've got to do is promote some ready capital for you. Oh, gee, Al, how do you do that? Well, there are several ways. You can go to the bank and borrow on your collateral, or you can take the collateral right to a hawk shop and cut out the middleman. Now, what if you got a value that could get you ready money? Well, the only expensive things I own are the ones you've given me. I like that plaster statue of Venus de Milo with a clock in her stomach. Part with that, though, because you said it was imported. Oh, certainly it was imported, honey. Because don't you remember when I gave it to you, I told you it was plaster of Paris? France, you know. But that's too sentimental there. What else? Well, of course, Al, if it's necessary, there's that 10-carat diamond ring you gave me who said that was worth thousands. Well, honey, I bought at the peak. The way the diamond market has collapsed today, we'd be lucky to get a buck for it. Nothing. Half of all young set? Half of nothing. Jane's typewriter? Hold it, chicken. You don't have to go any further. You've got a gold mine there. We'll pawn the typewriter. But Al, do you think we'd be doing the right thing pawning Jane's typewriter? Chicken, that's finance. You've got to take chances. How do you think the rich get rich? They buy everything wholesale. They invest their money and make it work for them. Give me the phone. Who are you going to call? Who am I going to call? The one man who can make us rich. Joe. Hello, Joe? Why didn't I call you? I was considering a job. All right, Joe, stop yelling. I've seen the error of my ways. Joe, then a pawn a typewriter. We'll have some ready cash. What do you have that's a good investment? The Brooklyn Bridge. No, no, Joe. This is for personal friends. Uh-huh. Sounds like a big deal. I'll be right over and bring the gold. I bought my typewriter ribbon. And when I get back to the apartment, I'm going to take a nice warm bath and get down to work. And since it looks as if I'll be able to pay my own way, I might as well tell her about losing my job. So I told her and she said, Huh? Why should you seem so startled at the news? Gee, I hope you don't think I'll be a burden on you just because I haven't got a steady job. Oh, no, Jane, you're my friend. You can share my clothes and my perfume and if you want you can even share Al with me. Don't overdo it, kid. I don't want you to worry about losing your job. Relax. You can lean on me like the rock of Gibraltar. Thanks, honey. I appreciate it. Oh, I know you do because I know what it means to a girl to know she's living with a rock. Sweetie, but you won't have to share the entire burden because tonight I'm getting out my old typewriter and start working to pay my share. By the way, where's the typewriter? Huh? Typewriter? You know the one? Oh, I know. I know. It's in the closet. Well, I guess I'll go and take my bath later. I'm going to type. Honey, would you mind getting the typewriter out for me and putting in the ribbon? Huh? Mentioning the fact that I want to use the typewriter and you keep saying, huh? Why these hunts? They're privileged to sit in on this conversation. If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go and take a bath. Oh, Jane, honey, be careful and try not to splash any water on the floor. It's still dinnertime and the man downstairs may be eating dinner. Okay. This is disgusting. What kind of people am I made with? What happened? Jane needs a typewriter. When? Was she going to water use it right after she finishes her bath? Oh, well, don't worry, baby. So, Joe gave him the cash I got from pouring the typewriter to invest. The money's working for us. All we got to do is sit here so that when Jane comes out of the bathroom, we can tell her she's welcome. That must be Joe with the good news. Honey, stretch out your arms. I want to measure you for a mink coat. Hello? Oh, Joe, what's the good word? Need bail? Joe, what happened? Joe broke up the game. Oh, you can't talk. They're taking it all down. Understand? By the way, remember, if they ask, you never saw me before. So long. Wait till I take off my hat and bow my head and I'll tell you. What is it, Al? Chicken. As it must come to all men, the sheriff came to Joe. And with Ludblaston and his orchestra and their arrangement of Little Liza Jane. Liza Jane. As I entered the room, Irma was reading last week's newspaper. Irma likes to read old newspapers. That way she can always predict what's already happened. Notice that there was something different about the room. The sofa in which Irma had draped herself had been moved directly in front of the closet door in which I kept my typewriter. I said, Irma. Yes, Jane? Why'd you move the sofa? The sofa? I mean, I don't want the sofa in front of the foam because I don't like people talking behind my back. It's probably because there's something in there you don't want me to see. Oh, that isn't the reason. It's because there's something in that closet I don't want you to see that isn't there. This is the first time in six months that I've wanted to use the typewriter. So what is the most logical thing to expect? Irma, where did Al pawn the typewriter? What can you say that? Where did Al pawn the typewriter? Al has pride. You know he'd never tell me. I depended upon to see me through this crisis. Well, don't say the one thing. Al considered everything. I was even willing to pawn the genuine pearl necklace he gave me. Why didn't you? Well, you know when you take it out of the icebox it melts. But now that you've taken the tools of my trade away from me, I'm not going to get another job. I'm just going to let you support me. Irma, you can work for two. Jane, I can't even work for one. What do you mean? I'm fired. Fired? Irma, how did that happen? I don't know. I'd write a letter that I'd have to write another letter apologizing for my explanation. Why didn't you tell me? Well, I figured two can live as cheap as none. Yeah, I see what you mean by none. I sent everything, honey, but why did you pawn the typewriter? Well, we wanted to make some money to take care of you. You see, Joe had a good proposition. Did something no doubt happen to Joe's deal? Yes, while he was dealing. I mean, darling, you were thinking, and whenever that happens, we have to be satisfied with potluck. Everything he touches turns to three gold balls. Jane, you don't get angry. I'm sorry for what I've done. And I realize if I was a lawyer, I would be disbarred. If I was a doctor, they'd take my license away. Well, what about it? Just wanted you to know you're not dealing with a professional man. I'm sorry. I suppose it's my fault as much as anybody. I shouldn't have quit my job in the first place. Imagine me wanting you and Irma to take care of me. You know that's one of the silliest, most terrifying thoughts I've ever had? Badly about losing your job, huh, Jane? Well, I feel badly about quitting when I didn't have to. Now we're all in a bad financial mess. I think I'll go out and get some mayor and try and think this thing out. Jane's out of work, and I'm out of work, and you're out of work, and no money coming in. Well, let us carefully analyze the situation and see what can be done. Now, as I see it, there are three things we can do. First, there's a chance of me getting a job. So we immediately go to number two. That is your chance of getting a job. This takes us to number three. That's Jane. Whoa, but he quit, and there's no going back now. You know, Al, once you burn your britches behind you. You heard what Jane said. She's sorry. That girl wants to work. You know, she's eccentric. But who are we to stand her away? Well, but Al... Believe me, Irma, Jane will never be happy. Nor will we, until we get that job back for her. Oh, but how? I don't even know why she quit. Maybe she had a quarrel with Richard that developed into a misunderstanding. Well, there's only one way to find out. We'll call up Richard and straighten him out. Oh, no, Al, I don't think that would be right. Gotcha, honey. Forget it. We won't call Richard. Instead, we'll call his father. He seems more logical. Well, certainly. You don't deal with messenger boys. You go right to the top, honey. Well, Al, do you think it'll work? Can't miss. He's the top man. And when you want a job back, always go to the top man. It gives you dignity. Besides, when he throws you out, you don't feel like such a bum. Yeah, Al, I'm so glad I have you to do my thinking for me because thinking gives me a headache. I also read that it makes your hair fall out, so I try not to think too much. So, Al, honey... I would never be happy with a ball-headed girl with a headache. I want Hilltop... Oh, why don't you tell me? Operator, I was cut off. Get my number back immediately. Yes, it was Hilltop 5829. Don't be nervous, chicken. You talk to him and I'll tell you what to say. Here, take the receipt. Okay, Al. He wouldn't Jane be tickled if he knew what we were doing for. Hello? I'm Mr. Rhinelander II. Your name is Jane Stacey and you worked for him a long time. My name is Jane Stacey and I worked for you a long time. Al, I'm not Jane Stacey. Never mind. Say what I tell you. You're a reliable girl and you've been with a firm ever since it's been established. I'm an established girl and I've been with your firm ever since it's been reliable. You're a good typist. You never make a mistake. And what is more, you go out with his son. I'm a good typist. I go out with your son. What is more, I never make any mistakes. I shouldn't have fired you. You shouldn't have fired me. He's a busy man. But don't worry, chicken. I'm sure you made an impression on him. I knew the only way to solve my problem was just to face it. So I called up Richard and in two minutes we both realized how foolish we'd been. Now I have the job back and I have Richard back and if there's anything nicer than that, Sandy Claus will just have to bring it. So I couldn't wait to get back to the apartment and say, Irma. Yes, Jane? Irma, listen honey, forget everything I said. Our troubles are over. I got my job back. Listen to her, Al. She got her job back. Little does she know who got her job back. What are you two up to? Oh, never mind. You'll find out. Someday you'll thank us. What are you doing here? I haven't any place to go. My father won't even let me in the house. I don't... Jane, why didn't you tell me you'd called my father? Me? I knew you were angry at me for a while, but you didn't have to tell him all those weird things that you were established and made no mistakes when you went out with me. There's more. He's still my father. You have no right to call him chicken. Get back and keep drifting. Richard, I didn't make the call. Please try to understand. I just... Oh, Irma, how could you? I was only trying to help. Only trying to help. Irma, if you and that fugitive from an employment office ever meddle in my affairs... Jane, there's only one thing we can do. Let's go over and explain everything to my father if only for my sake. Yes, all right, Richard. Oh, please, Jane, give me a chance to explain. I didn't mean any harm. I only wanted to. I wish I were a man so I could feel like a forgotten man, but I deserve it because I made Jane unhappy. And even Al is like a thing to do. Where's the pencil? Like the river for my body as I have hung myself. And, Richard, I'm terribly frightened. You don't know Irma. But only someone out of her mind would do that. I said you don't know Irma. What do we do? Jane, if you're really worried, I think it's best to call the police. Yes, the police. You're right, Richard, the police. Oh, dear, if she'd only waited to hear the news that we'd straighten everything out with your father... Don't worry, dear. Oh, I can't help it. Operator, operator, give me police headquarters. Go out of my mind. Be calm, Jane. They'll find her. I'm telling you both you're on the wrong track. We've got to use the same tactics they use with all my friends. Offer a reward. I'm afraid it's too lazy again. Listen, honey, no matter how much ideology you must never toy with such ideas. We love you. Well, Jane, I felt so unwanted that I wanted to... But it's all right now because, you see, before I could do anything, I met my old boss, Mr. Clyde. He begged me to come back to work. Why? Didn't he hire a new girl? Oh, he tried ten of them, and they all sat around, but none of them could figure out what I wrote in the past two years. Winners in the flat. But one... And so that night, after we'd set our prayers, I said to her, Honey, tell me something. How did Al get the money to get my typewriter back? He sold my genuine pearls, but you said he couldn't take them out of the icebox. I know. He sold the icebox, too. Columbia Station, same time to listen to... My favorite. And Kathy Lewis is Jane, with John Brown is Al, and Life Erickson is Richard. Songs were by the King's Man with the music of Led Leskin and his orchestra.