 So recently one of our members was sharing a conversation. She had with a man and during this conversation He acted rather critical of her to some degree And I thought it'd be important to talk about Relationship killers things that were destroy relationships whether you're a man or woman in this particular case this Conversation gave her pause and to caused her to take a step back Which is actually a good thing to do when you experience someone being critical with you So today we're gonna lean into the four behaviors that destroy a relationship And this is actually from the Gottman Institute if you're not familiar with John and Julie Gottman I highly recommend googling them checking out their work and they talk about what's known as the four Horsemen of the apocalypse. These are things that destroy Relationships and the first one is criticism when someone is critical of you they they share a criticism about you maybe it's coming from a place of Disappointment about you. Maybe it's triggering something got triggered in their past that causes them to be critical of you When we criticize other people, this is true of your in relationship or not We can act in a very defensive manner. We can get very closed off And certainly whether you're a man or woman doing this relationship And I've noticed that men do this as equally as much as women when we act critical of them when we criticize them That's certainly something that causes us to pull back Ghost or even disappear in relationships when we feel like we are being attacked You know and it's sad because I want to lean into this for a second. It's kind of sad because I think Most people are good people. I don't think most people are evil Okay, I think a lot of women out there think men are absolutely bad And I think most humans are bad or not bad excuse me I think they're certainly flawed and Certainly a significant percentage of people have weak emotional maturity and weak relationship skills But that doesn't make them bad human beings So when someone does act critical when someone Criticizes I would lean into the conversation and not necessarily Criticize or attack them because sometimes we can do a tit for tat I mean if you ever watch politicians when they're debating they do a lot of well You did this and I did this and you did this and I did you know I did this and you did this kind of thing and They're always criticizing the other person and where does that lead us so you can simply in a kind way Express how that felt when you've heard that criticism and dive a little bit deeper Into what triggered them to cause them to be critical of you So that's the first one is criticism and by the way, this is in no particular order today The second one is contempt Now the contempt is basically a feeling of superiority Over another person now from what I understand Narcissists oftentimes operate from a place of contempt. They act like they're superior But another thing that happens for men and women alike is Contempt is also feeling like you're right and the other person is wrong And I want you to think about Disagreements you might have had in previous relationships where you are staunchly rooted in your perspective and And the other person is staunchly rooted in their perspective When two people are in there, I would rather be right than happy. It's actually demonstrating a level of contempt It's not Demonstrating a level of love within the relationship because love would rather be happy than being right I'm gonna repeat that would you rather be happier being right now Let me be clear about something being happy doesn't mean being a doormat being happy doesn't mean compromising yourself But what I'm here to say is remember two people might have a different point of view When it comes to something so if you have a different point of view I think it's important to listen to the other person's point of view Acknowledge their point of view and accept that that person's point of view is true for them And by the way, they should be doing this as well. This is active communication This is active listening when you can lean into the other person's point of view Contempt says your point of view is wrong and my point of view is right Certainly this feeling of superiority I I'm gonna Deviate for a second because I see this a lot in the rhetoric of the alpha male Narratives out there. There's a lot of alpha male coaches teaching men to come from this place of superiority is that they're better than women because they provide and protect because I provide and protect I am in the Superior role I am better than you and when a man starts Leaning into those feelings that I'm better than you they will operate from a place of contempt Now I'm not suggesting all alpha males operate this way But I will tell you there are a lot of people out on YouTube teaching men to Start to treat women with a lot more contempt because they are in that provider protector role and Certainly a lot of women do the same thing when they're in a place of their own superiority I've noticed a lot of women do this as well because they're strong smart and successful They feel a sense of you know, I am almost better than you because I've accomplished all these things And when you operate from a place of I'm better than you from a place of contempt that will certainly destroy a relationship Okay, number three defensiveness Okay, remember earlier. I was talking about when we get triggered. It's natural to get defensive. I am guilty of this I've noticed this behavior when I feel like I'm up against a wall when I feel like I'm attacked My my natural reaction is to put up my walls. This is true for most human beings. This is not an uncommon thing And yet at the same time when we act defensive, I want you to think about this We have walls up defensive We have a wall up and when we have a wall up There's no opportunity to get close to another human being to really lean into what might be causing that Now it's interesting because this happens with my son frequently I do time to sometimes when things happen I go I I either operate from a place of contempt or defensiveness and what's interesting Is he I've also learned that immediately after this happens. I have a capacity to pull back and go Oh shoot. I just got defensive. I got I went into my righteousness my contempt Usually it's usually I figure it out within 10 minutes. Okay And I'm always calling him back and saying I'm sorry. I apologize. Okay Now he it's gotten to the point where he goes. Yeah, I know dad So he's learned to accept this from me. However, why I'm bringing this up is Awareness of our defensiveness awareness of our triggers those things that cause us and I'm getting so much better at this You know, but I'm still human and I'm flawed Is to if they ideally is to get to a point of catching yourself before this happens or at least Catching it shortly thereafter. And so whether it's a few minutes after whether it's 10 minutes after certainly an hour after I'm always a big proponent of acknowledging That that behavior Certainly apologizing and making amends for it Now we're you're with a partner That does get triggered frequently You have to really get to the root of what causes them to get triggered Many of us have suffered childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas That makes it so we begin to have these patterns in our life Where we get triggered over and over again And this is the opportunity to start Leaning into what was the root cause of this and this is why I want to recommend a book today um If you haven't read the hoffman process the hoffman process This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas that cause us to become defensive These are part of our negative patterns in life And so I want everyone to start to explore what may be the root cause for many of you that get defensive Now not everybody gets defensive, but also i'm not here i'm here to encourage not everyone to be a doormat Okay, because being a doormat is not standing up for yourself One of the reasons why I wrote i'm gonna pitch my book right now What the heck is self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work Is this to recognize that we have to fill our own love cup first It's like putting the oxygen mask on ourselves first before we can actually Be a value of being benefit to anyone else in our life So by doing this inner work by doing introspective work you become more emotionally mature And more importantly you have the relationship skills to lean into a healthy happy relationship Now before I share the last one I want to recognize late since my audience is women and this is title about men You're experiencing a lot of frustration with men I know many of you are experienced a lot of dysfunctional men out there Which makes it difficult for you to begin to trust Men in fact many of you have reached a point of becoming bitter and jaded And as I said in the beginning of this broadcast I want everyone to know is most human beings are good people. They're not evil only a small percentage Of humans are actually evil. I think most people are good people But at the same time most humans are rather wounded And so I want to encourage everyone to come from a place of compassion not necessarily Crossing boundaries. Okay, not being a doormat being compassion to recognize that wounded people Hurt people not intentionally most often. So when we can actually have this sense of awareness I invite everyone not to focus on the men that did them wrong I want to invite everyone to look at their past relationships and ask themselves What positive things did I learn about myself? In each of my past relationships What positive things did I learn about myself? What was good about each relationship and more importantly? What are you grateful for? See when we operate from a place of gratitude we become more of a magnetic attractor For those who are in a place to appreciate who we are as people My coffee mug says I make the world go around. What do you do? This was a gift from someone. I think it's it's almost a little narcissistic in a way But um, some I'm a leo. So sometimes the world does revolve around me. I get it. That's a I'm saying that tongue-in-cheek but coming back to When we focus on what we do want instead of focusing on what we don't want See we'll actually become more of an attractor to those experiences It's kind of the difference between tigger and eor from winnie the pooh You know eor was the sky is falling my life sucks You know everything sucks and versus tigger was bouncy bouncy bounce bounce So i'm inviting everyone to recognize that yes, there are a lot of men out there that are deeply wounded Okay, just like there are a lot of women out there deeply wounded and what I mean to say is unhealed from these wounds I'd rather you focus on healing yourself So you can catch yourself when you're falling into these four horsemen of the apocalypse and the last one Is something I experienced as a childhood from my mother She would do what's called stonewalling and stonewalling is basically avoiding the difficult conversations avoiding Intimacy avoiding emotional connection And this is how I experienced it as a child and when this happens it triggers me inside it triggers my fear of abandonment And what my mother used to do is when my by the way Can any of you relate to the following whenever my my father my brother my sister myself did something to irritate my mom My mom would get closed off She would get closed off and she would stonewall and avoid like I'd be like this little kid and I'd say Mom I want some love. I want some love and she would you know put up walls Now I am all in favor of Humans taking a little bit of a take a take a break when you might have been triggered Okay, taking a break to to regain oneself is a healthy thing At the same time when we avoid someone else's Desire to connect with us we have an opportunity to say simply I need to take a little bit of space To get back to my center. That's okay to ask from someone But to actually close yourself off and I've seen this with women Frequently and this destroys relationships when when something happens you shut yourself down The person makes a request to connect with you and you immediately close that person off That is a relationship killer that destroys relationships and when we stonewall So again, it's okay to ask for space in a relationship. That's okay And and learning and recognizing that this happens within yourself and giving yourself a time limit Maybe it's an hour I need an hour break to regroup before I can come back to my center and have a conversation with you And by the way, I'm here to encourage everything. I've just shared with you today I'm encouraging you to share this with men Having these conversations because if you if you know the four horsemen of the apocalypse If you know the potholes that are in front of you Then you can address them before they become so, you know, you instead of it's just a little You know bump in the road instead of falling into you know a sinkhole. Okay And you're trapped. I mean falling into the pit See by by recognizing, okay folks everyone I just want to share a quick story When I was going through a divorce I sat in divorce court family court, excuse me And when I got there we were fourth on the docket So there were three couples ahead of us And as I'm listening to the couple share their absolute contempt for one another They were criticizing one another. They were getting defensive with one another And I'm witnessing this and I'm listening to going You know what everybody should do is spend some time in family court in divorce court To hear the problems And imagine this if you go well and by the way and I noticed a common thread I actually wish I went back and stayed in family court for a week I think we should all do that before we get into a relationship or get married with someone And I suspect there's a common thread If you can if you can notice the common thread and go let's address these Before this happens to us See we date, you know, most people are dating with these grand assumptions and expectations If we have chemistry for one another it will all magically work out because magic fairy dust always works out Folks you've been around the planet long enough if you've been in midlife you should recognize That most humans are dysfunctional I'm raising my hand. I'm dysfunctional I I still have a ways to go before I'm fully evolved and enlightened to a place where I don't get triggered Okay, this is true for most humans So if you're beginning the dating process be aware of this and go What are the things we can do to avoid the pitfalls? Well, what are the major things to do to avoid the pitfalls is begin a relationship With what I call radical honesty laying your cards on the table And the rules of engagement the rules of engagement are simply establishing your standards right from the get-go So you don't get involved with the person who's not on the same page with you laying your cards on the table is simply Talking about your past experiences to give some insight into how you operate in the future and radical honesty Simply means being vulnerable being authentic and being transparent And I don't mean giving away secrets to a person you don't know But when you start a relationship With us from an understanding that intimacy builds trust Intimacy is into me. You see and so when you begin a relationship By being vulnerable authentic and transparent and both of you are sharing from this place You begin to build the deep roots of trust that establish Hopefully some deeper commitment with one another and deeper trust because when both people feel safe with one Another and they understand the pitfalls especially the four horsemen of the apocalypse They have a greater chance of relationship success. Is this sinking in is this resonating with you? Please let me know I'd like to hear your thoughts these post a comment below if this Resonated with you. Please tell your friends about midlife love mastery. There's a link right here Send them to my website jonathan asley.com have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group And i'm gonna sign off this videos. I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jonathan marriage of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use smart love in our lives Thanks a bunch. Bye now. Bye