 Is he avoiding deep feelings for you? Well, these six signs might give you a clue that he's not able to get really in touch with what's going on inside your heart, let alone his own heart. Now, really quickly, building trust is paramount in a relationship. Let me repeat that. It's paramount to maybe, let me reframe that to a successful relationship. And what better way to build trust than to meet your partner's needs. That's right, to meet your partner's needs. See, really, isn't this what this is all about? Being in relationship is each person has needs that need to be met. And when we actually get attuned to each other, to our partners, and we have a desire to meet those needs, we start to build the, we start to put the blocks together, the building blocks together to building that trust, which actually demonstrates deep feelings for someone. Now, really quickly, I wanna share something with you. I watched a contemporary of mine, short little 60-second video talking about how men want to be your hero, how they want to be your hero in relationship. Men genuinely want to please women, okay? And he gives the example in the early stage of dating that where you might have a desire for more communication. And you might say something like this, it would feel so great if you could text me every morning and every evening, excuse me, I would feel so happy. I would feel so, it would feel so great. I would feel so happy if you do this. And because men are the heroes and they want to please you, they are naturally going to do this. So I wanna tell you something that happened to me. Some years ago, I was communicating with a woman online and I think we only had one or two text exchanges. And she did this exact same verbiage to me, the exact same verbiage. As you know what I thought? Now mind you, I'm in this business so maybe I took it a little bit different than most, but I'm like, wow, she's really demanding. I don't know her. We have no trust built between us. In other words, she was literally making demands on me and I didn't know her that well and there was no trust built in this relationship. See, we can't have deep feelings for someone until we actually build trust. And you see today's dating, we have this false sense of trust built when there is incessant communication via text messaging. There is love bombing going on, there's this constant communication early on that creates what's known as artificial intimacy. And because of chemistry, many people believe they have trust with a person when there is strong chemistry with another human being. See, that's not how trust is built. Trust isn't built through chemistry. Certainly we need chemistry to bond with another. We need chemistry to feel attraction for one another. We need chemistry to be the glue that when there are things not going so right in the relationship, it's the chemistry that keeps us together. But quite frankly, what truly keeps relationships successful is that building of trust. And trust, folks, trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is about, do I have it? It's about looking out for my partner's best needs. That's what trust is. Without compromising your own needs, let me be clear. See ladies, you have a propensity to over give to a man so you're meeting his needs, oftentimes at the expense or the sacrifice of your own needs. And I'm not here to espouse that anyone should do that. You should want, two people should want to care about each other's needs to care about the best interests for another human being. Why do you think ghosting happens? People say, I don't want to hurt you. Isn't that they're an irony? I don't want to hurt you. And yet ghosting is probably the cruelest thing we can do to a person or disengage communication with a person. But I just didn't want to hurt you. What they really mean is I didn't want to pretend, I didn't want to have you believe that there was something more in this relationship than there really is. So I'm just going to cut off communication so you don't feel hurt in the future when this doesn't work out. That's what ghosting really is about. And yet that act alone causes mistrust. It causes pain to another human being. And we could say, well, I'm doing it for their best interest. No, if you really are going to do something for someone else's best interest, you'll have a conversation with them and talk about your feelings. Now, here's where it gets radically tough. This is where it gets so radically tough. Stick with me for the next minute on this one. Have any of you watched the show Love is Blind? It's on Netflix, the latest season came out. And there's Jimmy and Chelsea. He's got that Southern accent. She's the one who claims she looked like Megan Fox. She doesn't. And I was watching the two of them try to share their emotions and their feelings for one another, not about one another, but what challenges they were feeling inside of them. And you know what fascinated me? Now, mind you, these are people in their late 20s, okay? Maybe early 30s. They absolutely struggled to articulate their emotions in a concise way. Let me repeat that. They struggled to articulate their emotions in the right way. In fact, you could see them trying to think of what they wanna say because they're trying to formulate what were they actually feeling? See, here's the challenge we're faced with, is feelings aren't facts. I didn't make this up. Someone write this down in the chat box. Feelings aren't facts. They're not something tangible. Feelings are like a roller coaster. They're like this. They're all over the map. One minute you're happy, one minute you're sad, one minute you're feeling lonely, one minute you're feeling depressed, one minute you're feeling joyful, one minute you're feeling excited, one minute you're feeling sensational, one minute you're million, I keep saying million, one minute you're feeling in despair. Emotions are all over the map. Now, I've observed a difference between men and women. Now, I know the ladies are not gonna be happy with them about to say, but I've observed the difference between men and women. This is not a statement of fact. It's just a mere observation. Women tend to be more in touch with their feelings. In other words, they allow their feelings to percolate. They allow their feelings to percolate, whereas men oftentimes stuff their feelings. I think we can both agree to this. The challenge is women have a propensity to vomit those emotions and feelings. They've vomited out. It comes out in such an incoherent fashion that we men are absolutely confused in that moment. And men, in the contrast, they dry-heave their vomiting. In other words, like, have you ever tried to vomit but you had no food in your stomach? There's nothing to come out. That's kind of the difference between men and women. Women might have the propensity to vomit all their feelings in an incoherent fashion, and men dry-heave their emotions and feelings because they don't even know how to get in touch with them. That's some of the differences I've noticed between men and women. So we're gonna talk about is he avoiding his feelings? These six signs might give you a clue. And this really centers around building trust. And I wanna be candid with everyone. I recently watched a video from the Gottmans, the Gottmans. If you're not familiar with the Gottman Institute or the two books I recommend frequently from the Gottmans. One of the books is Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work. You could cross out marriage and put relationships and then eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. Okay? So today's lesson is actually gonna come from a video I watched of theirs talking about trust is built in the tiny moments. See, isn't that what this is all about? Are feelings being acknowledged for one another? But more importantly, the capacity to build trust with one another. The capacity build trust. So Dr. Gottman, John Gottman shares the story. He's about to read a book to go to bed. He's about to read a book. He's really excited. He's been wanting to read this book for a while. And he's about ready to go to bed, like read in bed. And his wife was maybe brushing her teeth or something. And he noticed something was wrong with her. He just could sense something is wrong. Okay? Now the difference between the average person who would just rather focus on reading their book because that's what their plan was. He talks about something really that builds trust in the relationship and it really acknowledges their partner's feelings. And that is called being attuned, attune. A-T-T-U-N-E, attune. A-T-T-U-N-E, attune. So within attune, the first, the A stands for awareness of a need, awareness of a need. He recognized that his wife wasn't really, you know, wasn't, something was off. He was attuned to her. He was attuned to her. He could read the room. He could read the room. See a man who doesn't have deep feelings for you, he doesn't read the room. He doesn't know when you're, I mean, he might, and by the way, or he reads the room and he, well, we're gonna talk about this is really kind of leans into some more of the letters here. But first and foremost, he doesn't know how to read the room. He doesn't know how to read your emotions, your feelings. He's not attuned to them, okay? Hey, it was just 11-11 on the clock there. Okay, the T, the first T stands turning towards, turning towards, turning towards. When you show a desire to connect with your partner, in other words, he recognized something was up with his wife and he turned towards her for connection. See a person who doesn't have deep feelings for you, they're gonna turn the other way. They're going to avoid, they're going to run away from your feelings. And it's a demonstration that he's not, doesn't, if he's not in, he doesn't have the capacity to build trust or he doesn't have the desire to go any deeper. And as I said earlier in this broadcast, isn't that the whole point of relationship? Look, we are beyond that point of dependency. Now, for some people, I recognize that they're in dependent, in a dependent type of relationship, primarily financially. And I'm gonna talk about this again as well. But when you're not in that type of arrangement, the whole point of relationship is about meeting each other's needs. That's what it's all about. Did you hear my voice just kind of crackle and go higher? That's what it's all about in my book. Is that the same for you? Do you feel that's the case? If it is, hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. And if you wanna connect with me directly, you see this link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. And there's links below as well to connect with me. Okay, he turns towards you. A man who doesn't that is avoiding deep feelings for you, turns the other way, he turns the other way. The next T of a tune is tolerance, tolerance. Now, I don't love this word, but I recognize why this was used in this example. And that is tolerance is about holding space because it's uncomfortable sometimes to hold space for someone. I mean, especially, listen, we guys, we struggle with a woman's emotions. It's just, we do. By the way, ladies, you struggle sometimes when men are emoting too. This is challenging depending on how deeply connected you are to another person. So if he's holding space, if he's holding space, while you're sharing what's coming up for you, like in the case of this story with Dr. Gottman, his wife had something to share. So he was aware of it. He turned towards her. He held space while she was sharing. See, he didn't run away. Run away is avoiding your deep feelings and that is a sign that he's probably just not that enough into you or there hasn't been enough trust built. Now the U stands for understanding. Okay, again, if you are in a dependent type of relationship where the man is the provider protector and the woman is nurture, he doesn't have to understand anything about you. His job, he's got his role, you have your role. There's no need to have understanding. But if you're in an interdependent type of relationship, the one that I encourage for most people. And by the way, someone write this in the chat box, interdependent relationship, interdependent relationship. Google this right after this video so you can look up what that means so you can get a better understanding. But it's basically, is it the inverse of dependency? I think it's having mutual dependency upon the success of the relationship. That's my interpretation of it. But understanding, and if he's clueless, if he's clueless about your feelings, about his own feelings, it's gonna be very problematic for him to actually care. And again, when he's feeling scared, when he's feeling unable to meet your need, he's going to run the other direction. Now the N stands for non-defensive response, non-defensive response. If you haven't read the book, oh, by the way, all the books I recommend are listed below. If you haven't read the book, Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Now, it should have been titled, Compassionate Communication. Why is it non-violent? Or what's the violence? The violence is a defensive posture when we get defensive with another person in our communication when we get defensive. So non-defensive means compassionate listening. Compassionate listening at this point. And then within that compassionate listening is the E, which stands for empathy, empathy. You know, a lot of people just don't know how to be empathetic. If you've looked at my chart for emotional maturity and relationship skills, by the way, this is not a fact that's merely an opinion. I believe that this is emotional maturity and relationship skills. I believe 20% of the population has clinical issues, okay? It's just my perception. And while I say 20% of the population is emotionally healthy, I'm being rather generous. Most everybody is dysfunctional, dysfunctional. And by the way, I put myself in the dysfunctional category. I think I'm right here at the cusp, okay? But, and I'm owning it, okay? Dysfunctional means that as far as relationship skills and emotional maturity, our capacity to be 100% empathetic to another human being, to be 100% non-defensive with another human being. I've got work to do at this capacity. I'm not perfect at this. Sometimes I get defensive. The person that triggers me the most is my son, poor guy. Where's a picture of Colin? There's him right there with his son, or with my other son, Connor, who passed away. Why is it with my children? I've usually got the most defensive with. I think it's because as a parent, we want our child as a reflection of us. So when we're in relationship with someone, they're also reflection of us. So it's very common to get defensive and in that same venue to lack empathy. And if you're in a part with a man who just doesn't have the capacity for true empathy, empathy isn't just I can feel your feelings. Empathy to me is I genuinely care about your feelings. More importantly, I care about my own feelings too. In other words, I'm empathetic towards myself and towards you. And so bringing this back full circle attune, A-T-T-U-N-E. Awareness, if he's not aware of your, if he's not aware when something's off, it's a sign he doesn't have deep feelings for you. Number two, turning towards. If he turns away from you, that's a sign he doesn't have deep feelings for you. Tolerance, if he can't hold space for you when you're sharing something really critically important to you, that could be problematic. Understanding, if he's just clueless about feelings, he's gonna need to be taken to a workshop, a training, therapy. Folks, you're gonna have to do a lot of work together. If you wanna make this relationship work, understanding non-defensive response, the N, the less, look at, it's natural to get defensive, okay? It's natural to get defensive. But a person who does it less frequently is showing deep feelings for you. And lastly is empathy. As I said before, empathy isn't just I can feel your feelings. Empathy is I genuinely care about your feelings. In other words, I genuinely want to build trust with you. And as Dr. Gottman shared in this video, it's the tiny little moments like when he was with his wife, he wanted to read his book, but he noticed that his partner needed something. He's a tune. And when you're a tune to your partner, that demonstrates deep feelings. And when you're not a tune, there could be a vast, there could be a majority of reasons why that hasn't happened. And don't forget, it's not gonna happen on the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, eighth, or it's not gonna happen even when you're physically intimate with someone. Genuine care takes, it requires building the deep roots of trust through emotional connection, financial agreement, social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, you know, and intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. These are the building blocks in both the small and big moments because it's not just about actions, matching words to build trust and it's not just about fidelity. It's, do I have my best, my partner's best needs, best interest at hand? And that demonstrates real trust. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know if it is. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. I read all of them in the first 24 hours. If you liked this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And also, if you wanna connect with me, schedule a discovery call with me, check out the links to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Follow me on Instagram. Get all the books I recommend. Get my book. My book, what the heck is self love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. And also get my dating vows listed below. All right. We are live so it's time for Q and A. If you have a question, write the word question in the chat box or you can, and then post the question thereafter or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. I love one of my favorite pictures. He's my son who passed away five and a half years ago and is honored. We donate to causes like the Hoffman process, Insight Institute and scholarships to coaching as well. So our goal tonight is $50. So we'd love to get some love tonight for the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. And if you're watching the replay, please hit that Super Thanks. Okay. I wanna share something with you while I'm waiting for questions, okay? And again, if you have a question, write the word question and post the question thereafter or purchase a Super Sticker. Dating is fucking hard. And we just call it for what it is. It's hard. The minute you, especially when we're using our devices, the minute you connect with another human being, the minute you connect with another human being, you're being potentially vulnerable. The minute you connect, you're being vulnerable. It's like walking. I was watching the Pirates of the Caribbean series the other night and it reminded me of walking the plank and then they pull the plank out from underneath you and you fall into the water with the sharks swimming. That's what dating feels like, even the very first communication with someone, even just writing hi to someone, because even writing hi, you might not get a response back. It's not like person to person where you say hi to someone, you almost naturally say hello back. So right off the bat, we could be, I don't want to use the word rejected, but not acknowledged. That's first and foremost. Or you start to communicate with someone and then their communication is flaky. Okay, that can be problematic. Or then you're communicating with someone and you start to get to like them and all of a sudden they say something that's like a gigantic deal breaker for you. Oh my God, I've had that happen where I've had a conversation with a woman and in the midst of the conversation, she drops a landmine of a deal breaker for me. Now, everybody's deal breaker is different, and it could have been something benign on her part, but it was gigantic to me and that might have happened to you as well. So there's a real vulnerability in the early stages of dating. And it's no wonder we're disillusioned, we're frustrated or worse. We give up. I mean, that's how a lot of people in midlife feel like you just don't want to make the effort anymore. I get it. It's like the hunger games out there. By the way, I have a quote I'm gonna be posting soon, but let me read this to you. Bear with me one second, okay? Let me find this quote. It's a Jonathan Asley quote, okay? Quote, quote, quote, quote, quote. Dating today is like the hunger games. It's a challenging, brutal, and a fight to the death, the death of our dreams and our hopes. Preparing oneself through personal development, self-help, and spiritual work can put the odds forever in your favor by working on yourself. You know, the reality is, look, I wrote a book about self-love, folks. I do my best to practice much of what I preach, and yet I still can crucify myself and still beat myself up. I can still recognize that there is residue from my past relationships, whether it's the most recent relationship that ended, the relationship before that, or my marriage, there's residue because, you know, genuinely feeling loved by another human being and also having the capacity to genuinely love another human being, I think is rare. It saddens me to say this out loud. I think two people that genuinely love each other and have built deep trust with one another is rather rare these days. So I think putting the, to put the odds in your favor, doing the personal development, self-help, and spiritual work puts the odds forever in your favor. Whether you meet someone or not, I invite you all to do the personal development work. Look at, on the end of my book, I give you all my recommended readings, studies, teachers, and workshops, okay? So I invite you to look into that. All right, that was just my two cents for a moment. Monica has a question. When do we know when triggers are unhealthy versus healthy? When do we know triggers? When I did the Hoffman process, if you're not familiar with the Hoffman process, I did the actual live eight day workshop, the Hoffman process, deep dive into healing childhood wounds and adult traumas. My coach, we each were assigned a coach. She said, when you're triggered, that was a good thing. Basically means it's something you have to work on. Now, I don't know if we need to characterize them as healthy or unhealthy. How about, if there's a neutral word, let's just call it a trigger. I don't know if we need to identify if it's healthy or unhealthy. I think it's an opportunity to look inside so the higher degree of the trigger, whether it's a judgment for someone else or a judgment towards yourself, I think they're both equally, I'm gonna say that beating ourselves up or judging another human being, when we judge someone negatively or inferior to us, I don't think that's healthy. I just don't. I think good discernment is okay. When we discern that something isn't right for us, then we can set up a boundary. I'm totally in favor of that. So we might get triggered, but that trigger might require us to put a boundary. That's okay because a boundary is simply what's okay and what's not okay for you. But sometimes a trigger causes us to retreat and then we sabotage a relationship. Then I did a video with Sabrina Rising on sabotaging relationships and I don't think that's healthy. I think the most important thing to recognize, Monica, is how much of a charge are you getting at it? Are you beating someone else up emotionally speaking or beating yourself up? I think the higher the charge, and charge, I mean the electricity, the more the voltage that is, ah! Probably the more unhealthy it is. That's just my two cents on that. Thank you so much for that. I really appreciate it. By the way, Jody just gave us a $5 super stickers. I hate dating. I understand how you feel. I don't like the word hate. I certainly dislike it and I feel frustrated with it. That's a strong word, but I understand how you feel. And Sherry, thank you for the $10 super sticker. That means our goal tonight is for another $35 for that $50. Leaf's in the house and she says, best cap and jack line in Pirates of the Caribbean and at Worlds End, stop. Don't nobody move. I'm dropping my brain. Actually, of all the pirates, that is my favorite at Worlds End for some reason. I just love that particular one the most, interestingly enough. Okay, let's see what other questions. Julie's in the house. Oh, by the way, if also, if anyone wants to join the hot seat, I just put the link right here in the chat box. You could simply get live with me right now and we can talk whatever you want to talk about. So Julie's in the house. If he doesn't hug, is he avoiding feelings? You know, some people are rather sensitive to touch and they probably most likely have some sort of trauma in childhood or adulthood where hugging is maybe was taboo growing up. Maybe there was shame associated with it. I think if someone doesn't hug, it could mean that they're avoiding feelings. I'm a gigantic hugger. You know, the last memory I have with my son who passed away, my last face to face memory, was we always did the same thing every time we saw each other when we said goodbye to each other. I gave him a hug, kiss on the cheek and I said, I love you and that's my last memory was a hug. I did talk to him on the phone the following day before and he passed away the day after that. But I always end my videos. Can I reach into the camera and give you a big gigantic hug? I think hugs are a great source of love. And so I don't know why someone would avoid hugging. I just know that to me hugs are gigantically important. And I'm just expressing this from my vantage point of what happened in my life. I will not allow my son, my son who's still living to leave without us two hugging each other. It's just a prerequisite I have. Anyway, thank you so much. Jay Breezy says, yes, trigger is information for us to notice, look at and see why and what wounding it is connected to. Exactly, well said. Mary Ann says, something that makes us aware of yourself, exactly. Aurora's in the house. Question. Our relationship in person is great, but the texting in between is not. Despite my best efforts, I don't know how to fix this, any ideas. Okay, a couple of things. How often do you physically see each other? If you've seen each other on average two, three or four days, nights or weeks, I mean, in other words, during a week, two, three or four, then I think, you know, good morning text and evening text is about all that's necessary. But you could make, depending, by the way, listen, Aurora, if the penis gets to regularly go inside the vagina, you can make a request. Tim, listen, it would mean the world to me if we communicate a little bit more via text messaging. I, you know, when we're apart, I will be candid with you. Sometimes I feel a little bit of anxiety when we're apart and it would just be nice to know that I'm on your mind because we don't live in the same, you know, next door to each other. We live in the same tribe like people used to or we don't go to school together. So we see each other regularly. So it would mean a lot to me if we could connect a little bit more frequently. Is that, is that something you can do? You can make a request. Now, here's the challenge. If you guys live, you know, 100 miles apart and you see each other every other week, you got a bigger problem to deal with. Okay, Aurora? So let me know how often the two of you physically see each other and I'll try to comment again. Okay? Monica says, I'm beating myself up overthinking. Oh my God, folks. I am the quintessential overthinker. I analyze shit like a chess game. I try to figure out the moves before I ever enter into a dynamic. And believe me, I can overthink, I can relate to that. Sherry says to everyone, Jonathan is saving lives. Oh, I'm happy to hear that. That brings me joy. Oh, Mariana, Marina says, Jonathan is inspirational. Thank you so much. Jay Breezy just gave us a $5 super sticker. Thank you so much. Okay. Jane says, I'm a skin hungry, not touched by anyone for almost about 10 years. Scary. May need to get to a massage company. Wow. Can you receive the hug I'm giving you virtually? Can you receive that? I'm sending you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug. And Sherry says, a massage is great. I agree. All right. Sherry says, I analyze like a detective. Oh my God, I can relate to that. I am literally, I think part of what, look it, here's a link to schedule a discovery call with me. Part of my coaching is like being Colombo, being a detective. And the reason being is, I think, you know, okay, are you familiar with the FBI profilers? Do you know what an FBI profiler is? Well, I'm a profiler in the dating realm. I can spot serial daters, serial monogamous, nice guys, bad boys and the right guy for you. So I believe the skill is paying attention to people's tells, T-E-L-L, tell. Just like in poker, reading people. In fact, this is about attunement. And I think the reason why detectives are good at getting confessions out of someone is they know how to read people. We aren't trained at this, folks. We are not trained at emotions. As I said in the beginning of this broadcast, you might have emotions bottle up in your stomach and you've vomited out and the emotions not there. And so they're dry heaving because we're not attuned to our emotions and then reading someone else's emotions. So anyway, Sherry says exactly Colombo, reading people, I do this, good to hear. That is very cool to be able to read people. You know, I sometimes make mistakes too. I'll be candid with you. Okay, MJW says, why would a guy use the excuse? I'm set in my ways to excuse his frequent sarcastic remarks which at times has made me cry. He's 75 and I'm 72. Listen, the average life expectancy is 79. Someone is 75, they are set in their ways. I'm sure you're set in your own ways. You might accommodate somebody else but many people are just by the time people hit 50, they become more grooved in their ways. By the time someone is 60, they're more grooved. By the time someone is 70 more grooved. By the time they're 75, they're more grooved. And he's expressing exactly how he feels. This is who he is. His frequent sarcastic remarks. Now, why does he have sarcastic remarks? Most likely as a childhood wound and adult trauma and people use humor to mask deep pain. That's the why. Is he likely to go fix himself? Probably not. Let's see, I mean, has he been doing therapy? Probably not. Does he have true confidence in his life? Probably not. So you either have to accept him the way he is or move on. I'm sorry, that's just the blunt answer here. I'm not, folks, my advice isn't, I am not gonna blow smoke up your ass like many of my contemporaries do because look at, you know, the odds are not good. I'm just, let's just be fucking real for the amount of, you know, divorces out there, unhappy relationships, situationships, hookups, friends with benefits and whatnot. You know, for those who seek a life partner, the odds aren't good. I just try to put the odds forever in your favor. That's what my coaching is about. I cannot guarantee. By the way, I listened to someone who said I have an 83% success rate. That's fucking bullshit. Nobody has that kind of success rate. I'm hard pressed to believe that to be the case. That's just bullshit. Someone who can guarantee you get married within a year, that's bullshit. You can't guarantee anyone anything. What I'm encouraging everyone to do is to do personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So because the most important relationship you're ever gonna have is the relationship with yourself. That's what matters most. And those who do the work put the odds in their favor of attracting a better relationship in their life. That's just my two cents. Anyway, thank you for listening to my rhetoric. I am grooved and I am groovy. There you go. Jane says, when I get some extra mula, you'd be betting getting it. The hug means a lot. Thank you so much. You're very welcome. Julie says, I love the animation. Thank you. Mary Ann says, no sugarcoating. You're damn straight. By the way, I would love someone to join the hot seat tonight. It would be so much fun to chat with somebody, but we also need questions. So I never need to be with someone that makes you cry. Exactly, come on. I need some questions. How do I get my crush to like me back? Oops, that's this one. You know, whenever I see these questions, I think of unrequited love. Okay, in other words, and what is a crush? It just merely means, well, let me kind of explain this. It means you're most likely attracted to some, you're attracted to either something about someone or you're attracted physically to someone. That's all this is. It's really, in many cases, it's just limerence, extreme infatuation, especially if you have no real connection with them. And so you like them, but how can you like someone? Let's just assume for a moment, you don't really know them that well. Like people, like I have women who say they have a crush on me, but you don't know me. You've never spent time with me. You've never connected with me. So I can understand why you might like aspects of who I am. I really appreciate that, okay? I really appreciate that. And that's certainly a building block. So what you can do is simply say, I like you. You can walk up to somebody and say, I like you. I've followed you for a while and I like you. And that doesn't require them to say anything in kind. They can just simply say thank you, okay? So now if you really wanna explore something with someone, then you gotta take the risk and say, hey, can I take you out for coffee? They could say no. I had a woman do that recently. She ran into me at a speaking event I had. She was interested in me and I wasn't interested in her. I had to say no. I don't have, that's my boundary, okay? I don't even have to share the reasons why. Sometimes it's just an energetic disconnect. But ultimately you're gonna, the unrequited love pieces, if you start making up a story in your head about this person, you're blocking yourself from someone else seeing you. So make the effort, ask them out for coffee. If they say no, then it's time to move on. Folks, by the way, when I said this shit takes work, it takes turkey lean work, it takes self-discipline, not to go down fantasy lane. Do you know how many of you ladies are swimming in fantasy lane? Men too, by the way. That's just, that's radical unhealthy behavior for oneself. Swimming in fantasy lane. Anyway, that's just my two cents on that. And just how Lighthouse said, attracted to the idea or fantasy, exactly. Okay. Wanda says, question, can a man act like he's on an ego trip and he doesn't care at all with other people because he's hiding his feelings? Yeah, we all have different coping mechanism. And the problem is he probably isn't attuned to his own feelings. One thing I didn't say in the earlier part of the broadcast, it's one thing to be attuned to your partner's feeling, but I didn't say the importance of being attuned to your own feelings. So sure, our ego is a self-protection mechanism. Let me reframe that. Our unhealthy ego. I think there's good parts of ego too, but our unhealthy ego, because ego gets me, listen, I shoot these videos because I have a little bit of an ego, but it gets me to shoot these videos. I think it's the unhealthy ego that it's a self-protection mechanism because of fear of actually tapping into those feelings. So thank you for that question. Kimberly is in the house. I get it. I lost my youngest son. Then the father of my children died unexpectedly last year. Oh, I'm giving you a big, gigantic hug. Life certainly isn't what I thought. Sending you a hug too bad. I'm not in SoCal anymore. Again, Kimberly giving you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. Oh my gosh. We belong to a really shitty club. Light and blue says, LOL, we connect with you, Jonathan, in our minds. Thank you so much. Jody's in the house. My text friend is making me feel uneasy a bit. We have texted for maybe a month now, never met in person and he's talking about traveling together already and I'm sabotaging. Am I sabotaging? No, it's just you guys haven't built real trust. Trust is about feeling safe with another person. You're having probably a lot of text communication. So it's artificial intimacy. He wants to travel with you because he wants to fuck your brains out. Oh my God, Jonathan just said the F word. That's profanity. That's so disgusting, Jonathan, to use fucking in the place of making love. I'm just laughing at sometimes the comments I get. He wants to travel with you because he wants to get in your pants. Are you sabotaging? You feel uneasy? Yeah, because you haven't met him. You haven't done the little small things that are usually necessary for building trust with someone. So of course you're gonna feel uneasy. And of course you're gonna sabotage. That's a very common experience. I guess the question is, maybe instead of traveling together, maybe have him fly out to meet you, stay at a hotel, you go out to dinner one night. The next night you go out to dinner. You don't have sex with one another and see if there's a real connection. Oh, the other thing is, why not do FaceTime or Zoom calls as well? But Jonathan, it's just a text relationship. All we do is text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text. How do you even know the guy is real if you haven't done a FaceTime? Miley's in the house. Online dating, guy asks a girl to meet for coffee. Should he offer to pay for the coffee? Guy did not pay, kind of turned me off, mentioned it to a male friend of mine. He got mad that I expected it. Okay, you know, Matthew Hussie did a great video on this, who's supposed to pay on first, who pays on dates. He always says that if a man was raised right, he would offer to pay. And if a woman was raised right, if a man was raised right, he would pay. If a woman was raised right, she would offer to pay. Okay, that's his line. And I kind of subscribed to that because I was raised with that expectation. I'm expected to pay. I don't like the expectation. I'll be candid with you. I don't like the expectation, especially because it takes away my agency for generosity. So I'm gonna write that down. It takes away my agency for generosity. I would like to pay because I genuinely want to pay for someone, not because I'm expected to. Now, it's tricky because usually men usually make the suggestion of meeting. But when this is from an online connection, it's just two people meeting one another. Now, the other thing that Matthew Hussie says in the video is I wouldn't treat someone, I wouldn't treat my girlfriend. This is what he said. I wouldn't treat my girlfriend any different than one of my closest friends. In other words, I don't expect a close friend to pay for me and I don't have, none of my close friends expect to pay for me, except one of my oldest dearest friends who's worth $100 million and he always pays because he's fucking filthy rich, okay? Like worth 100 times more than me. Okay, so, you know, I think it's worth a conversation. Like if by the way, usually when that happens, there's probably not mutual attraction. The guy just, you know, even not paying for the coffee. I'm always impressed when a woman makes the gesture. I've always been impressed with, like I had one woman went out to, we went out for drinks. I picked up the drinks, she picked up the valet. I had one woman, I picked up the drinks and she picked up the tip. I liked that reciprocity, that effort. That's just me. Every one of you, you can handle this question your own way. I'm just sharing with you my perceptions. There is no right or wrong. You have to do what's right for yourself. Molly, I love that question. Thank you so much. Aurora, coming back with question clarification. We have set a day, a week to see each other. Try for two, 50-50 happens, but we video chat almost every night. We don't see each other for hours. Well, if you video chat every night, then why do you need constant text messaging? I'm not a big fan of, listen, if most likely your need for more connection is because not enough trust built. Is the penis going inside the vagina? Then figure out a way to see each other three times a week or four times a week to build an actual relationship with one another. That's just my two cents. You can take it or leave it, okay? By the way, I know I'm being a little bit crass here, Aurora, you can take it or leave it, but one day a week relationship is just not a fucking enough. Like what's your point? Are you gonna do one day a week for 10 years? I mean, what's the point? Folks, I'm here to advocate for day-in, day-out relationships where you see each other, three or four days and nights a week doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills, both in your personal and your professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together, getting married. That's what I advocate. But Jonathan, he lives too far away. Well, then you gotta fucking figure shit out. That's my two cents on that. I'm sorry I'm a little bit crass. It's just, I'm a big proponent of regular time together. Deborah, I'm lit. Hi, Jonathan, I'm living my life if I meet someone who shares my values so very it. May I hug you? Here's a hug. Thank you, I appreciate that. All right. Julie says, hey, Jonathan, you gave me a laugh for the day without, but Jonathan, thank you. You're very welcome. By the way, I would love it if someone would join the hot seat. We just put a stick link there. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Lighthouse says, nope, Matthew was young. I get it. Expecting me to pay takes away my agency for generosity. That's how I feel. Takes away my agency for generosity. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up. Toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, let's keep going. Julie says, I see your point. Thank you, thank you so much. Power of cheese says technology is not suitable for basic human connection. We weren't designed, by the way, folks, we were not designed to communicate with our thumbs. You know, I remember one time I was doing an instant message conversation with someone through Yahoo! Personals. And I made a joke and it triggered her like nobody's business. And it was just a miscommunication on my part. It was a sincere miscommunication. And I spent the next hour trying to fix the misunderstanding. It is so hard. It's hard enough to articulate our thoughts, our feelings through our fucking mouth, let alone our thumbs. We just weren't designed for that. We weren't designed for that. That's just my feeling, anyway. Okay. Jennifer says, my partner and I do one day a week, day, a work week with a weekend overnight. It's not ideal, but it's the great, great, our, wait. It's not ideal, but it's great for our schedules. And we're in a relationship. If you wanna be together, you'll find something. Again, I'm not a big proponent of it, but people find what works for them. I just don't believe that we build enough deep trust. I think proximity creates continuity. Continuity builds trust. And the further two people are apart, the harder it is to build trust. By the way, I don't say this cavalierly. I mean, it's just statistically, I mean, they're not statistically, logically that makes sense. Now, are there exceptions, Jennifer? Absolutely, there are always exceptions, okay? There are always exceptions, but that's like the broken clock. I mean, more often than not, the farther two people are apart, the harder it is to build trust with one another. Then it puts a lot of dependency on these devices. And believe me, that's just artificial intimacy. Again, there are always exceptions. Oh, and Anna says, tone and inflections don't come across via text. Exactly. Sherry says, Jonathan is right about proximity. Exactly. Oh, that's horrible, Jonathan. That happened to me last weekend with a guy we connected, chatted for a few days, and then it went south for something stupid. Oh my God, that's, I gotta tell you, when this happened to me, we ended up having the date. You know what? That was a clue. Here, coming back, this was early. This happened to me right after my divorce. I didn't know, I was not attuned, okay? But that challenge we had in communication was a clue, because when I met her in person, there was friction between the two of us. She still held it against me, you know? And that was just a, and believe me, I was a train wreck after my divorce. So I was no picnic then. That's why dating is hard right now. You know, we're navigating a lot of different, a lot of different emotions, okay? Oh, Leif says, proximity creates continuity. Continuity creates trust. Trust leads to commitment. Trust leads to commitment. Trust leads to commitment. Trust leads to commitment. Trust leads to commitment. Trust leads to commitment. Aurora's back in the house. Jonathan, I understand what you're saying and I agree 100% our parenting schedules and his Army Guard weekends are what deter us. We talked about adding lunch one day a week. Okay, good, make more effort. That's what I'm encouraging for you guys, okay? Jay Breezy says, if you're dating, you are courageous. That is apps of fucking Lutely right to steal a line from Mr. Big from Sex and the City, apps of fucking Lutely. It takes courage. It takes a lot of courage to, dating requires vulnerability. Well, it requires authenticity. It requires transparency. That is really hard for a lot of people to be vulnerable, to be authentic, to be transparent, to articulate their thoughts and their feelings in such a way that can be seen, heard and understood. Let me repeat that. It is challenging for most humans to articulate their thoughts and feelings in such a way that can be seen, heard and understood. Have you ever watched the show on Showtime? It's called Couples Therapy. It's about an Israeli therapist in New York that does couples therapy. Or maybe it's HBO that it's on. I can't remember if it's Showtime or HBO. Okay, it's like hidden cameras and therapy sessions, okay? And it's fascinates to me because the husband will say something and actually it makes sense. When the wife says something it's like it doesn't make sense, but I'm just being tongue in cheek. And then she, the therapist regurgitates it in such a way that it actually makes, tries to make sense to the other person and the other way around. See, we've grown up watching movies or TV shows where there's writers. Writers write their script. It's all, it's easy. Someone else is writing your script. For ourselves, we have nobody typing, doing sereno-diversure act. Remember sereno-diversure act? Did you ever see the movie with Steve Martin Roxanne? Okay, with, oh God, with Steve Martin, Darrell Hanna, Rick Rozovich, Richard Rozovich, Rick Rozovich, the guy from Top Gun, played Slider, I think was his character. Anyway, he was a bumbling idiot when it came to sharing his emotions and feelings. And Steve Martin was a poet in the way he communicated but he had a gigantic nose. I can relate to the nose piece, by the way, okay? And so he would feed him the lines. He was wearing an earpiece and Rick Rozovich was, I hope I'm pronouncing his name properly. See, we don't have anyone doing that for us. We don't have someone feeding us the lines because it takes real work. It takes tremendous, herculean kind of work to actually learn how to articulate our feelings in such a way that Steve heard and understood. And this is the challenge for everyone. It's why I'm such a big proponent of doing personal development, self-help and spiritual work so you can get a tune to your emotions. Because sadly, dating triggers the number one to help emotional health issue and that is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. Look ladies, I'm your big brother. I wish I could be there for you on a date. Shotgun at hand, pointed the guy's face and saying, what's your intentions with my sister? I wish I could do that for you. You gotta learn to do that for yourself. And if you need some support, schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, he's avoiding deep feelings for you. If you see these six signs, a tune, awareness, turning towards you, tolerance, understanding, non-defensive response, empathy. If he's doing the exact opposite of those things, he doesn't have very deep feelings for you. And that's something we covered earlier in this broadcast. I hope you found value in this. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below. As always, if you liked this video, please hit that like button. Please share that my channel. Please hit that notification bell so you can please subscribe and hit that notification bell. And also, check out the links below to schedule a discovery call with me to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery to follow me on Instagram, to get the books I recommend, to get my dating vows, all that good stuff. I'd really appreciate it, okay? And it's our last few minutes. Please donate to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. Again, hit that little dollar sign in the chat box. We'd love to have some money donated tonight. So we're a little bit shy of our goal, okay? All right, I wanna say, oh, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic, Jonathan Barrick of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone. That, a teddy bear pillow, get either them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Matilda and Leafs and Lisa and Elena and Sherri and Ardly and Power of Chee and Tasha, Christina, Julie, Marianne Lighthouse, Julie, Diane, Jay Breezy, Aurora. Let's see, MJW8129, MD, Genify. Also, all of those that donated tonight, thank you for the love. We really appreciate it. Go have a fabulous evening. You be well, take care, have fun. Love y'all.