 So boundaries is one of the most talked about conversation in the relationship realm, because it's a popular buzzword for the last few years. And I wanna express something about boundaries to men. When a man receives a boundary from a woman, it can actually remind him of his mother. There I said it can remind him of mother energy, as if it's telling him what to do. And whether you're a man or woman, nobody really likes to be told what to do. So today we're gonna lean into boundaries today. And I'm gonna offer just a slightly different perspective on boundaries. Now, I like what Brene Brown talks about when it comes to boundaries. And she uses the following. She says a boundary is what's okay and what's not okay for me. I'm gonna repeat that. It's what's okay and what's not okay for me. And I think that's a very healthy thing to experience in a relationship is the ability to express what feels good for you in a relationship and what doesn't feel good. Now, typically we talk about this in the area of communication because that's where most relationship mishaps happen in the form of communication. In fact, it's funny how people talk about the importance of communication, communication, and communication. And yet do you realize most people are bad at communicating, at least in relationship? It's not that they're bad at communicating. Let me reframe that. For men, men tend to communicate from more of their rational, logical side of their brain. And women tend to communicate more from the emotional side of their brain. Now, this is a pure generalization. It doesn't follow exact suit, but women tend to operate from that perspective. So do you see how if men talk from their, what they believe their logical, rational side and women are speaking from their emotional side? It's more like this. Women are speaking the emotional side. Men are speaking, well, maybe let's do it this way. Men are speaking at the rational, logical side. Women are speaking at the emotional side. And you know that space in between what that's called? That's called drama. And why it's called drama is because there's, let's use this analogy again, women are here and men are here. You're trying to raise the guy up in the area of communication. And then many times you're using what boundaries in a way that isn't effective. Now, let me just be candid with you. I'm not a big fan of the word boundary. And yes, I talk about it frequently in my videos. I'm not a fan of the word because a boundary feels like a barrier. It feels like an ending, you know, like a cliff is a boundary, a fence is a boundary, a wall is a boundary. And none of that feels really authentic to me. From a, now while we can use these terms, I'm gonna offer something a little bit different today than a boundary. Now, I wanna share with you, I took a list of some things, examples of boundaries in relationship. I just Googled this. If you want, type in, what are examples of boundaries in relationship? And here's what came up. Expecting others to communicate during disagreements with a maturity. Now I thought that's kind of an interesting boundary. Let's lean into that in a moment. Letting go of codependency and having your own identity. I love that because that's leans into my book. What the heck is self love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. That, I love that phraseology because it's all about being, not being dependent on another. Oh, by the way, there's a link below to get a copy of all the books I recommend. But it's about not being dependent on another human being for your necess, your needs per se. There's a difference between a need and a want, okay? Needing something, like we need water, we need air, we need shelter. Those are needs or we would die, right? But in relationship, sex, well, sex could be a need for us men, but I was gonna say it's more of a desire in what? It's not needed to sustain life. It certainly benefits you when you have a relationship. And I went off on a poor tangent there, but going back to self love, when we don't need someone to love us to feel good about ourselves, we're in a good place, okay? Number four, asking for personal space and quiet when needed, okay? That's probably makes sense as a boundary because we all need some space to ourselves. I think two people that are fully Amesh 24-7 can probably have, can have some problematic aspects to their relationship, even though my beloved and I, there's Marie right there. We live together. She's been visiting her grandchildren for the last week. We've had space and when we need space, we take space from each other, even though we live in a relatively small home, okay? And number four, voicing your concerns rather than holding on to resentments. So I thought about these are boundaries, but these don't feel like the boundaries I hear about in the dating, mating or relating realm. And so I wanna talk about those boundaries because those seem like the ones that are most talked about and the most frequent one coming back to communication. It's interesting, it said expecting, it said expecting others to communicate during disagreements with maturity. It fascinates me because how many people disagree with each other and they're not coming from a mature place, not coming from a grown-up place because when you have a disagreement with someone, and let me just say this, for a relationship to be successful, you need to establish good conflict resolution skills. If you don't have good conflict communication skills to resolve conflict, it's gonna be problematic. One of the skills needed is to be a good listener. When your partner, it disagrees with you, it's not about you being right. In a healthy relationship is finding a way to be happy with one another. How can we find that place of happiness? More importantly, it's listening to your partner's point of view, acknowledging their point of view. In other words, just simply acknowledge what they said to you. You can literally repeat back what they said, validate that their feelings are valid for them. Don't ever diminish someone's feelings. Don't ever discount someone's feelings. Don't ever come from a place of contempt. And I'm speaking to the men here as well, okay? But when it comes to boundaries in relationship, we talk about communication, but one of the things that I think women particularly would like more of in their relationship. Because remember we said, what was it again? What's okay and what's not okay for me? Communication, for example, frequency of communication and frequency of the actual face-to-face time together. I think that's one of the most important things that women desire in relationship and they want some clarity around that. We're gonna talk about that literally in a minute. The second thing I think is most desired is the boundary of trust. And I call it the boundary of trust, but I'm really talking about the container of trust. And trust isn't just merely about fidelity. Trust is, does this person have my best interest at heart? You know, in the book by John and Julie Gottman, Eight Dates, and this is a great book. By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of all the books I recommend. This is a great book as a foundational piece to understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And chapter one is about trust and commitment. Now, if you follow my channel, you know that I'm gonna say this whenever I bring up this book. Ladies, before the penis gets to go inside the vagina, you should have read this book and you should be very familiar with chapter one, Trust and Commitment. Do you realize today people will have sex with little or no trust and barely any commitment to one another? And commitment isn't just monogamy and exclusivity. It's sure those are important things to have, but real trust, real commitment is, does this person have my best interest at heart? Do my feelings matter to them as much as their own feelings matter to them? And sadly today, given that most people are in situationships, they're in casual relationships, they're in what I call dating is a just strung out long version of friends with benefits. Trust is the weakest link in many people's relationships today because they're not establishing commitment early on. They're not establishing the rules of engagement. Let me say that again, the rules of engagement. Do you know it used to be that in war times, there was rules of engagement and this is what you could do and what you couldn't do? It's funny, this is what you could do and this is what you couldn't do. There were rules of engagement, but we should have those same rules of engagement. This is why folks, I created my dating vows for you so you can establish these rules of engagement. If you're not familiar with it, here it is, a copy of it right here. These are the rules of engagement, the dating vows. I agree, you both say this to one another, I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious within the next three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together. I agree to not actively seek and meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down our dating profiles. I agree to not actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down our profiles. I agree to speak up if it isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting and disappearing and I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you which looks like this, which looks like three or four days a night a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life. See, folks, instead of boundaries, I invite you to set up agreements. That's right, agreements. The rules of engagement, what are, if we're going to explore, if you want sex from me, dude, then this are my standards, okay, of what I seek in relationships. So first, a boundary, we're gonna replace the word boundary today with agreements, okay? But to establish your agreements, first you need your standards, your standards, okay? So, and many of you ladies, you're walking around like chicken with your heads cut off and you all think I know what I want, I know what I want, I know what I want. And I say this because so many of you go through my private coaching program and you go through this proprietary program I created and you know what you say every single time? Wow, why didn't someone teach me this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? I finally figured out what I want. By the way, if you need some help with that, schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. There's a link in the description below. Schedule that free call with me. I can't help you establish that. And many of you, you all talk like you know what you want but you didn't even know about this dating vow. Maybe you heard it in a previous video, but these dating vows as an example are agreements that you establish right from the get go. You don't have to do this on a first date. You don't have to do this on a second date, but if this guy wants to have sex with you, you have every right to establish your standard. And let me add this to your standard. Wow, I'm riled up. Okay, I'm obviously riled up with this one. Knowing how many times a week you wanna spend with someone is an important standard to get clarity on because here's the bottom line. People that see each other every day of the week have a better chance of succeeding than someone that sees each other six times a week or five times a week or four times a week or three times a week or two times a week or one time a week or one time a month or once every six months. Do you see the more time you spend together the greater chance you have of relationship success. So for those of you that are in long distance relationship where you spend all day incessantly texting each other and texting each other which is the weakest form of communication, by the way. It's the weakest form of communication. 80 to 90% of communication is non-verbal. It's the facial tones, it's the pheromones, it's the hand movements. So Leib says rant time, thank you so much. Okay, so coming back to you folks that are doing some of these long distance relationship where you're not spending significant time together. You're mostly in cyber relationships and you're gonna have a much harder time to establish your boundaries. So standards, what's okay and what's not okay for me? Use my dating valves as a template before you get involved with someone. And then when you get involved with someone, read the book Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. This has all the agreements you need or not all, well, actually, let me backtrack here. Read the other book by John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work. Now, I know some of you don't like the M word. Just take out the word marriage and replace it with serious committed relationship. This gives you the blueprint. But Jonathan, you're making me read all these books. Oh my God, I had someone complain the other day. All you do is talk about books. Do you know books are knowledge? There's a reason why we spend so much money on libraries and bookstores because books are knowledge. Do you know when one year you can gain such a massive information if you read one chapter of a book every single day? That's it, one chapter a day you could probably accomplish. Look, the book, where is this book? By the way, one of my favorite books, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. 19 chapters. Do you know what takes only 16 minutes to read a chapter? 16 minutes a day, 19 chapters and 19 days, you could literally every month finish two books. But Jonathan, I'm too busy. I don't have time for that. I just wanna magically hope that all of this stuff works out for me. Folks, many of you are delusion. That's not fair to say. You're in a fantasy land because you're not willing to put the work. You just expect that things are gonna work out easily. Well, they don't. So learning these things are critically important for your relationship success. I wanna recommend another book to you. This is the thinnest book on the planet. It's called The Couple's Communication Guide to Love and Happiness. I wanna read you some of these chapters because it relates to this dynamic of boundaries, expecting things to just work out, thinking there is no way out, communicating too much or not enough, making the relationship a target of collateral damage, wanting to be right, we talked about that, making assumptions always, never why, criticizing without giving positive reinforcement, taking down or being passive aggressive. Check out this book. You guys all talk about communication and it is the most critical next to trust. Communication by far is the most critical component within a healthy, happy relationship. Most of you focus so much on how tall he is or if he's balding or like, listen, character matters most, kindness, generosity. We gotta let go of our image of Brad Pitt or, who's my favorite? Well, Grace Kelly was pretty hot or Jacqueline Smith or Cheryl, or wait, Linda Carter, okay? But I know you guys are hung up on Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling and George Clooney, okay? But what matters most is not what they look like. What matters most on the inside, can you communicate in a way to be seen and heard and understood by this person? And more importantly, are you with someone that you don't have to establish boundaries, you establish agreements early on because you set the rules of engagement to forge a healthy, happy relationship moving forward? Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. There's a link below to all the books I recommend. There's a link to schedule a discovery call with me. I'd love to help you attract that amazing man in your life. God, universe, spirit. I'm in a healthy, happy relationship where we have great chemistry with one another and our communication is off the charts with one another and we can blend our lives together and we share the same values with one another and we build the deep roots of trust to sustain a healthy, happy relationship through our agreements that we make with one another. God, universe, spirit, I invite that in and I'm experiencing that in my life. That's my prayer for you all. Okay, post a comment, I'd like to hear about it. All right, if you're familiar with my format, it is time for Q and A. If you have a question for me, write the word question and post the question thereafter or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's him right there. It's my son who passed away a few years ago in his honor, he started a scholarship fund to donate to causes like the Hoffman process inside Institute and also sadly, a friend of mine lost his child and we're gonna make a donation on their behalf from the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. So again, the little dollar sign, if you're watching the replay, hit the super thanks. I wanna thank Melanie for the $20 Super Sticker. Big hugs to you, thank you so much Melanie, I appreciate that. All right, let's keep swimming. Dorothy said, some men enjoy breaking boundaries because they wanna show other men how macho they are. Sometimes you need to say boundaries differently. Again, it is important to establish what's not okay for you. I prefer that you do it in the form of agreements and remember, I'm not dissing boundaries. I just wanna shift the conversation into agreements. One agreement you can make with the partner is I'd like us, can we agree to communicate more frequently with one another when we're not together? Can we agree to establish a phone call in the morning or a phone call in the evening? We can take turns who actually initiates that. That's an agreement. You don't have to use the term boundary, you can simply make a request. Okay, Wanda says question. How do you feel about Facebook dating? I went on there in 2021, scammers and no one of my race or age. I think it'd be the same thing now, what do you think? Surprise, I had really had high hopes for Facebook dating. But sadly, I didn't experience, maybe their algorithm just didn't work. It didn't really populate people in my general vicinity or within a 50 mile radius. It didn't populate very many people for me and I was a little surprised. Because again, I had high hopes for Facebook dating. So I don't know if it's changed, folks, it's so funny. So I haven't been on a dating app or my dating site for 10, 11 months now. And sometimes I'll be honest with you, I have an occasional withdrawal. And Marie and I actually the other day for fun, we went on to our mutual sites to read our profiles. I mean, the profiles are hidden, but they're still there. And it's kind of there not from a backup plan, it's there from a nostalgic perspective because we met through both match.com and millionaire match. And that's the other site we were both on. We were on match.com and millionaire match. So whenever once in a while, like I feel like what would it be like to swipe again? Like I have that feeling mainly because it was such, it was like I was addicted to the cocaine of it all, to the crack of it all. So yeah, but that's just my thoughts on that. I don't have really much to say about Facebook dating. By the way, I'm a big proponent. Try every single avenue because you never know the person you might wanna meet could be on that app. So, all right, Leaves has ran away. Thank you so much. Let's see. Standards are affirmative. This is what I do want. Boundaries reflect the negative. This is what I don't want. Once someone's using a boundary, it's too late. Yeah, that's why I'm not a big fan of the word boundary. It almost feels like when you have to establish it, it's too late. This is why set the rules of engagement early on and establish your agreements early on. Ladies, you have every right before sex. Or listen, let me reframe that. If you're gonna have regular sex with a man, I invite you to be a bitch, okay? Please forgive me. I'm not in love with everything in this book, but I will tell you, bitch stands for babe in total control of herself, ES. Read this book to establish that place of confidence within yourself because I hate to, listen. I really wish I didn't have to take sex and make it something, if it sounds bad or anything like that. I just believe that sex should be reserved for two people who are in a committed relationship with one another. I do believe that. I didn't used to believe that. I was the guy who liked to sleep around. I didn't let me reframe that. I always wanted a committed relationship. I would do the whole relationship talk to get laid and I would pull the bullshit, three weeks in, six weeks in, 12 weeks in. I'm not ready for a relationship. Here after I poured my heart out to someone telling them I wanted a relationship, getting to have sex with them to say I'm not ready for a relationship, only to guess what I do next. I'd be on the dating sites because the reality was, I didn't want a relationship with them because I wasn't ready for a relationship and I wasn't ready for a relationship with them either. So we men, we kind of are jackasses in this way. I'm gonna call it for what it is. We use relationship talk to get laid. It used to be a man had to give a ring to get laid. He had to invest his assets with a woman to get laid and please forgive the getting laid terminology. I'm just saying it the way I feel about it. So these days you have every right to establish the rules of engagement before you have sex. Is this sinking in? Please let me know. Hillary asked, how soon do you introduce eight dates or any other books? Before the penis goes inside the vagina, I always say, read the book for yourself. Know chapter one and maybe have a discussion about chapter one, if the two of you plan to be intimate. At least have a discussion about the, tell them, hey, you know what, Tim? I've been reading this great relationship book on how to make relationships really good. Is that something of interest to you? Oh yeah, that'd be interest to me. No, we don't need relationship books. We can take care of it ourselves. Really, we can take care of ourselves? Look it, we've both been married twice. We both have had bad relationships. Why are we so good at taking care of it ourselves if we didn't learn from our past experiences? Oh, I learned from my past experience. I learned what not to do. And I will blindly go into this one, assuming it's gonna be better because I only focus on chemistry without any real understanding of the makeup of healthy, happy relationship. By the way, you can tell I'm just, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But my point is, folks, this is how naive many of you are. If a guy dismisses the idea of reading a book together as a way to improve your relationship, he's probably not very grown up to be in relationship. And however, if he likes you a lot, if he's attracted to you and he likes you, maybe reading chapter one will do one of two things. It will reinforce your relationship or he's gonna run as fast as he can because he's not ready for a relationship with you where you only wanna get laid. Does anyone agree with me there? All right, Hillary, thank you so much for that question. I hope I answered it for you. Liske says, texting is low investment, exactly. Weakest form of communication and low investment. Oh, Dorothy says, my boyfriend and I are avid readers, yet he is hands-on reader and I'm an Audible person. So I get the book Jonathan recommends on Audible and put the hardcover on the table. Play them both, play them in the background and read it at the same time. Great job, Dorothy. Melendez or Melanie says, sadly, most people rather clickbait and quick fix. So instead of fixing the root of why you're still blank is not working out. You slap a band-aid on it, keep carrying it. Exactly, very good point. Leif says, libraries are amazing. Clear Patrick had the best library till it burnt down. I did not know that. Nancy wrote down, boundaries that are protect your health and mental wellbeing, financial, emotional, sexual, physical. Many men minimize these causing a woman not to feel safe within the relation. Exactly, and again, I prefer to establish your standards with agreements so you never have to put up a boundary. Because if you have to put up a boundary it's already almost too late. George Clooney married a brilliant lawyer, not a Hollywood star, that is true. Good for him. And he seems happily in love. I mean, he seems giddy and happy in love. Hillary says, yes, stop yelling. Okay, I'll stop yelling. And Leif says, it's resonating with me. Okay, do we have any question? Melanie says, Jay, he gets passionate yelling as part. It's only because he wants to get it through us. Exactly, okay. All right, so I'm gonna respond to Linda. Say what? Marie needs to set a boundary a.k.a. agreement with you still on the dating site. You're still paying for it, right? Okay, let me clarify that statement, okay? My dating profile, her dating profile is hidden. We are not paying for it, anything like that. The other day we both out of curiosity wanted to read what our written profile has said. Something that said, we were talking about something, I go, and because it's still in the ethers out there. And then we were saying, should we delete these profiles because we don't need them anymore? And we both said, and this was a mutual agreement, let's keep it on because we might wanna come back and look at it again for nostalgic reasons. Now, when I said I might occasionally get tempted to swipe, it's because, boy, I was addicted to it. That was all, that took a while to stop that. I think it's that hamster getting the cocaine pellet. It's, I do believe just like sugar, it creates an addictive quality within us. So I think it's completely unhealthy and I was experiencing that. Occasionally, I think part of I think about it is because I'm also in a profession where I talk about dating and relationships all the time. So maybe that's a component in it. But let me be clear, we both have made agreements. It was both of us who looked at our profiles together. So I hope that answered your question, Linda, thank you. And Melanie says they both, Linda, he said they're both on it as a nostalgia, exactly. Okay, a question from Jennifer. If a guy has already read eight dates, do we still need to read it together? I've read it as well. Well, there's other books you can read besides eight dates. I think, one of the things Marie and I do on a regular basis, once a month, we do what's called camping. What we do is we lay a nest out on the living room floor and we start on a Saturday at around 11 o'clock and we devote the day to exploring our relationship in ways to improve our relationship. Sometimes we watch a video, we have Gaia channel and we'll watch a video related to relationship. Sometimes we'll watch YouTube videos. Sometimes we listen to Tantric music. Sometimes we talk about our dreams and aspirations. Each month, we definitely devote time to building the relationship on a conscious level, on an intentional level. Now I would say throughout the week, every morning when we're together, we have coffee each morning. We talk about a variety of things, including our relationship. So we make time and I'm usually showing her videos to talk about for us. So my point is, is set up your regular time together to talk about the relationship, watch a YouTube video, read a book, watch something, a documentary, things that are designed to help build your relationship. Buy this book, how to build trust in a relationship. This is really skinny. This is only, but how many pages is this? 51 pages. And by the way, it's all double space. So it's really, it's all double space. So it's really a 20 page book, how to build trust in a relationship. Use that, okay? Hope that helps. Thank you so much, Jennifer. Our Warren writes, question, I'm in a new relationship. When do you suggest meeting each other's families and friends? Well, about the time that you begin to have regular sex together should be about the time to start getting to know a person at a deeper level. I believe Marie and I met each other. I met her daughter and she met my son the same day. It was about a month and a half into our relationship. And then we started to spend, I think she met some of my friends and I met some of her friends a little bit sooner than that. So I would say by the time you begin to explore a committed relationship together, you're having regular sex together, you've made the dating vows with one another, you've talked about exploring a relationship, that's the time to introduce family and friends. Or at least for me, it was that case. Hope that helps you, our Warren, thank you so much. Hey, I wanna thank Kathy for the $4.99 Super Sticker, thank you so much. Jennifer says, I like your camping idea with Marie. Thanks for answering my question. You're very welcome. Melissa writes, question, would you please post or read your in your sweetheart's profile message just to give us an idea of what to write down? Actually in my private coaching program, I do give copies of good online dating profile samples that I've read over the years. Certainly if you schedule a discovery call with me and you qualify for coaching, I would be happy to give you what I wrote in my profile. I think my profile started off, I will actually, here, hold on one second, let me see if I can actually pull this up. I don't know if the password is still working on this. But I started my dating profile with the following. Hold on a second, it started with the following. I'm gonna read the beginning. All right, here we go. Let me start with the following. I'd like to get remarried or at least live together. I'm seeking a woman who feels the same way. For me, this isn't about growing old with someone. I want to grow in life and love with a special woman. Plus I promise my next partner emotional maturity, lots of great sex, chocolate massages, blurry text messages, poetry travel and tacos on Tuesday. How does that sound? The reason why I'm on this dating site as well as a few others is I'm using any tool to connect with my soulmate and life partner. So you don't have to worry to be, you don't have to be concerned if I'm going to waste your time. And I hope you're the same, deal? And just so you know, in my world, commitment and partnership of what I want and the last thing I seek is something casual. Do you feel the same way? If yes, drop me a note and if there's mutual connection, meaning we're attracted to one another, let's talk. So it goes on, by the way, my profile was 4,000 characters. So anyway, that's to hope that Melissa, hope you got a gist of what my profile said. So thank you so much. Pam says, I don't think I'd show a guy the book Why Men Love Bitches. Why not? What do you have to be afraid of? It's a conversation starter. Do you realize that you can talk about this book and start conversations to determine if you're on the same page with one another? Folks, stop being afraid that, oh my God, he's gonna get scared and he's gonna run away because I just have to sip my feminine energy and he has to leave, leave, leave, leave. Sorry, my rant, I'm done. That's so nice, John. No wonder you two look so happy and relaxed together. Thank you so much. Kristen writes, question, what is millionaire match? Okay, there is a website out there called Millionaire Match. By the way, you're supposed to have a net worth of $100,000, which we both did. It caters to some gold digger type women. It caters to the player type men. But I will tell you this, I gotta tell you, I met some really, I think I liked that site more than I liked match.com. I'm sorry to judge. I think the amount of money spent to be on the site elevates a person's maybe their sincerity. I'm not saying that as an absolute, but plenty of fish that's free is to me the bottom of the barrel. Millionaire Match, I just happened to meet some amazing women through that site. And actually, Marie believes we talked on that site first, even though she was using match.com, but we both use that site, millionairematch.com. So I hope that helps, so thank you. Melanie says, chocolate massages are great in theory. No, they're not. They're actually great in practice. We love our chocolate and we love our massages. So I wouldn't say that. Okay, if you have a question, write the word question and then post the question there after or purchase a super sticker, super chat. Art and Soul writes question. Do you agree with John Gray's idea about how relationships should ideally work? For example, ideas from his book, Men are for Mars and Women are from Venus. You know, I'm not a big fan of John Gray. Not that I don't respect some of his work, but I don't like to compartmentalize men in that they need their man cave and women operate a certain way. And I can't think specifically, I wonder if I have his book here handy. I don't, I think I do somewhere. I haven't looked at this in a long time. I'm not a big fan of this book. Let me open up a chapter to really quickly. You know, men like to fix things. Yeah, that's true. You know, to some degree, men like to fix things, but men break things all the time. So, you know, I'm not sure I agree with 100% of what he says, but there are some really good tools in this book to, for communication purposes. So I don't discount his book. I just don't like some of his narratives of pigeonholing men because look at this book is 30 years old. You know what? Here, I want to establish something. His book really talks about the following. The hunter, provider, protector versus nurture. It talks about hormones and pheromones. He talks about oxytocin and testosterone. And to some degree, he talks about socialization, gender-based socialization, boys and girls and the traumas they experience. What he doesn't get into in the book is imprinting our childhood wounds and traumas, the Amago love attachment style. What he doesn't get into the book is the difference with age and life experiences. Are they marriage-minded? Did they have adult traumas around divorce or job loss or kids in baggage? He doesn't address culture-owned religious issues, differences. He doesn't address the socioeconomic and education differences between people. He doesn't address physical health and appearance, fitness and attractiveness. He doesn't address emotional intelligence and he doesn't address radical honesty. So this book is missing. It's all based on biology and how men are different than women, but you'll find that men and women are actually more alike because we're all fucked up. We have a significant percentage of the population that's dysfunctional on an emotional level. We have a significant percentage of the population that's terrible communication skills and relationships that has nothing to do with men are from Mars and women from the Venus. If you wanna read a better book, this book, blow your mind. If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, this is a book that throws out the bullshit gender rhetoric and it says, how do we get to the heart of a relationship? So I check out the links below to all the books I recommend. And remember what I just said. We can talk about instinct, biology and socialization, but you really have to really concentrate on imprinting age and life experience, cultural, religion, socioeconomic, education, physical appearance, introspective work, emotional intelligence and the capacity to be radically honest. Okay, I hope that helps. Thank you so much for that question. I heard that he did update the book, but I don't believe it's updated in the way I just described. So thank you. Leif says, that's why we're here. Well, thank you so much. And Roller Girl wants to emphasize the book if the Buddha dated. I definitely recommend that. Question, what do you think of the Queen's Code? I was raised by a total frog farmer and it's awful when I hear women castrate men with her tone and eye rolling. And it's awful when I hear a woman. So where is the Queen's Code? Where is the Queen's Code? I know it's here. Oh, I have that book somewhere folks. Oh, here it is. The Queen's Code. By the way, it's listed below the Queen's Code and my, Jonathan recommends books in the description. So Alison Armstrong is a friend of mine. I've been invited twice to her workshops prior to COVID. And when I say friend, we're social contemporaries or we're professional contemporaries. I like a lot of what she says in the book. I think it is still a little, it can't have a submissive nature to it. Slightly it can be misinterpreted that way. But what I do believe is the Queen's Code is an empowerment book centered around understanding that men can operate differently, just like John Gray does. What the book doesn't dive into is the human behavior reasons why, what I shared before and why human beings can be rather dysfunctional because of childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas. So, you know, for example, childhood trauma, abandonment is a big childhood trauma for people. I know I haven't, what's known, by the way, if you're not familiar with love attachment style, so there's childhood wounds and traumas and love attachment. So there's a couple of books I want to talk about. The book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, link below. Also the book, The Hoffman Process, this is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas, okay. Why am I bringing this up? Also the book, Harvelle Hendricks, Getting the Love You Want, okay? There's a point I'm gonna make, so bear with me a second. Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt, okay, not the actress. So, what Queen's Code doesn't give us insight into is why men and women choose particular partners, number one. What our love attachment style related to, if we have a fear of abandonment, a fear of not being loved and love attachment, okay. So understanding these things, understanding how we were wounded as children, how that may result in how we show up as adults. Those books don't go into it. It's more of a simplistic way of treating men and women better. That's really what it's all about, is how we can treat each other better. And that's why I'm a big proponent. I'm not a fan per se, without having an understanding of human behavior so you can do a better job of leaning into communication with your partner. If you're not familiar with the book, I know it sounds like I'm just pitching book after book after book, but I want you to read a book called, I Hear You by Michael Sorensen. And let me give you an example of why I wanna talk about this book, because we talked about communication earlier, okay. So, for example, in communication, we can do what's called an invalidating response or a validating response. So let me give you an example of an invalidating response you might give someone. You might say, that's unfortunate, but you'll get over it. It could be worse. My neighbor caught the flu last year and was bedridden for almost a year. That's an invalidating response. A validating response might be, ah, that sounds miserable. It's so frustrating not being able to sleep when you're sick. I can't stand sore throats. So my point of bringing this up, that's a great book to read. All of these books, so you can have a better understanding of relationships because you're a frog farmer because you didn't do a good job of picking men. It's not so much about understanding men. It's about understanding human behavior. This is more to do with human behavior than the penis or the vagina, because in a way, we're all dysfunctional. You just gotta figure out this person's dysfunction and then you gotta decide, do I want to invest in this person's dysfunction or do I say run, forest, run? Is this sinking in? I hope so. All right, thank you so much. Dorothy says, question. Are there any couples games you could recommend? I got quizzes for couples. Sometimes a game is easier way to discuss disagreements. So on, let's see, where's card? So the Gottman Institute has what's called the Card Dex. Gottman Card Dex. This has all these different, basically questions you can ask. They're not games, but they're cards. It's called Card Dex. Go to Google or Apple Store, Play Store or Apple Store to check it out. Card Dex by the Gottmans, okay? Question, do you have any avoidant men friends? What are their takes on women? Are they attracted to anxious women and have they been turned off, if so? So yeah, I have friends who are men who are avoidants. And listen, anxiousness oftentimes shows up as neediness. Nobody likes neediness, whether it's a man or a woman. Nobody likes neediness. Being, now, so if you're aware of your, if you're aware that you're anxious, then you have an opportunity to work on that. Now, avoidant men, oftentimes there's a deep childhood wound and trauma that has gone unhealed, just like the anxious. So the best course of action is regular couples work together. I was listening to Louis Howe. Does anyone know who Louis Howe is? He has a podcast called The School of Greatness. And he was talking to a relationship expert the other day. And he was talking about his relationship. And he said, the first thing before he entered into a relationship, he wanted an agreement from the woman if they would, she would be open to doing either therapy or coaching regularly as a part of their relationship. Ladies, you have every right to ask the same thing. If you want, if this guy's gonna get his penis inside your vagina, then you establish the rules of engagement, which would include having regular coaching or therapy or reading books as part of the process. You're gonna weed out 90% of men. You're gonna weed out 90% of men that don't do the dating vows I talked about. By the way, I'll post the dating vows in the description later. But you have to establish the rules of engagement sooner rather than later. That's what a boundary is. Start establishing your standards and your rules of engagement so you don't ever have to get to a place of establishing a boundary. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Please hit that like button right now. Please share this video with friends. Please check out the links to all the things I recommend in the description, including setting up a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, time for one or two more. Melissa says, love Louis Howe. Yeah, I do like him too. Love Louis Howe. I'm having a hard time with intimacy. Well, I wanna recommend a book if you have a hard time. Where is that book? Oh, here it is. Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters. I highly recommend reading this book. Okay, this will be the last question of the day, I think. I know, but I want to know what the guys are saying between men. Okay, Melissa, guys don't talk to one another. And if we do, we talk about getting laid. We talk about sports. We talk about business, okay? We don't talk about the relationships with one another. We don't talk about I'm an avoidant man. Well, now let me backtrack. I know men will say most women are crazy. Most men will say that. We think your emotional outbursts are crazy to us. So an anxious person has emotional outbursts and we think that's crazy. Here's the bottom line. If we like you, we're attracted to you. We have good sex with you. We have great communication with you. It doesn't matter. And we're not gonna talk about it anyway. Do you got that, Melissa? I hope you got that. All right, one last thing. Leif said, Lewis Howe, former NFL in School of Greatness girlfriend, Martha. She's a Latina, one of the best channels anyone could go on from there, go on to many best specialists. Highly recommend. Yes, I highly recommend his channel as well. Can anyone get me on his channel? I want to be interviewed by Lewis Howe. If you have any connections, help me get on to Lewis Howe School of Greatness. I would be honored. All right, folks. I think this will be a great place to wrap up today. And again, just to remind you, if you like this content, hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. If you want to talk to me, schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you in the description below. You can join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. You can follow me on Instagram. You can check out all the books I recommend. Again, I hope you found value in this content today talking about boundaries. And instead of boundaries, establish the rules of engagement with your standards and use my dating vows as a way to shift the narrative. Is this sinking in? I hope so. Post a comment. All right, we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic job at the Barrett of Self Love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to a friend, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love. There's a teddy bear because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Andrea, Leif and Margaret and Lena and LaRue, Leif, Rollard Girl, Melissa, MC, Mr. C, Dorothy, Andrea, Stacy, PC, Love Mud, Liana and all those that donated as well. Thank you so much. You be well. Take care. Bye now.