 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to find out how you can volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graham Read by Adrian Pretzelos Chapter 10 The Further Adventures of Toad The front door of the hollow tree faced eastwards, so Toad was called in early hour, partly by the bright sunlight streaming in on him, partly by the exceeding coldness of his toes, which made him dream that he was at home in bed in his own handsome room with the Tudor window on a cold winter's night, and his bed clothes had got up grumbling and protesting they couldn't stand the cold any longer, and had run downstairs to the kitchen fire to warm themselves. And he had followed on bare feet along miles and miles of icy stone-paved passages, arguing and beseeching them to be reasonable. He would probably have been aroused much earlier had he not slept for some weeks on straw over stone flags and had almost forgotten the friendly feeling of thick blankets pulled well up around the chin. Sitting up he rubbed his eyes first and his complaining toes next, wondered for a moment where he was, looking round for familiar stone wall and little barred window, then, with a leap of the heart, remembered everything, his escape, his flight, his pursuit, remembered first and best thing of all, that he was free. Free! the word and the thought alone were worth fifty blankets. He was warm from end to end as he thought of the jolly world outside, waiting eagerly for him to make his triumphal entrance ready to serve him and play up to him anxious to help him and to keep him company as it always had been in the days of old before misfortune fell upon him. He shook himself and combed the dry leaves out of his hair with his fingers, and his toilet-complete marched forth into the comfortable morning sun, cold but confident, hungry but hopeful, all nervous terrors of yesterday, dispelled by rest and sleep, and frank and heartening sunshine. He had the world all to himself that early summer morning. The dewy woodland as he threaded it was solitary and still. The green fields that succeeded the trees were his own to do as he liked with. The road itself when he reached it in that loneliness that was everywhere seemed like a stray dog to be looking anxiously for company. Toad, however, was looking for something that could talk and tell him clearly which way he ought to go. It was all very well when you have a light heart and a clear conscience and money in your pocket and nobody scouring the country for you to drag you off to prison again to follow where the road beckons and points, not caring wither. The practical Toad cared very much indeed, and he could have kicked the road for its helpless silence when every minute was of importance to him. The reserved rustic road was presently joined by a shy little brother in the shape of a canal, which took its hand and ambled along by its side in perfect confidence, but with the same tongue-tied, uncommunicative attitude towards strangers. Wother them, said Toad to himself, but anyhow one thing's clear, they must both be coming from somewhere and going to somewhere. You can't get over that, Toad, my boy. So he marched on patiently by the water's edge. Round the bend in the canal came plodding a solitary horse, stooping forward as if in anxious thought. From rope-traces attached to his collar streamed a long line taught but dipping with his stride, the further part of it dripping pearly drops. Toad let the horse pass, and stood waiting for what the fates were sending him. With a pleasant swirl of quiet water at its blunt bow, the barge slid up alongside of him. Its gaily-painted canal leveled with the towing-path, its sole occupant a big, stout woman, wearing a linen sun bonnet, one brawny arm laid along the tiller. A nice morning, ma'am, she remarked to Toad as she drew level with him. I daresay it is, ma'am, responded Toad politely as he walked along the tow-path abreast of her. I daresay it is a nice morning to them that's not in sore trouble like what I am. Here's my married daughter. She sends off to me post-haste to come to her at once, so off I comes, not knowing what may be happening or going to happen, fearing the worst as you will understand, ma'am, if you're a mother, too, and I've left my business to look after itself. I'm in the washing and laudering line, you must know, ma'am, and I've left my young children to look after themselves in a more mischievous and troublesome set of young imps doesn't exist, ma'am, and I've lost all my money and lost my way, and as for what may be happening to my married daughter, why? I don't like to think of it, ma'am. Where might your married daughter be living, ma'am? asked the barge-woman. She lives near to the river, ma'am, replied Toad. Close to a fine house called Toad Hall that somewheres hear about in these parts, perhaps you may have heard of it. Toad Hall? Why? I'm going that way myself, replied the barge-woman. This canal joins the river some miles further on, a little above Toad Hall, and then it's an easy walk. You can come along in the barge with me, and I'll give you a lift. She steered the barge close to the bank, and Toad, with many humble and grateful acknowledgments, stepped lightly on board and sat down with great satisfaction. Toad's luck again, thought he, I always come out on top. So you're in the washing business, ma'am? said the barge-woman, politely as they glided along. And a very business you've got, too, I daresay, if I'm not making too free in saying so. Fine is business in all the country, said Toad, eerily. All the gentry come to me wouldn't go to anyone else if they were paid. They know me so well. You see, I understand my work thoroughly, and attend to it all myself. Washing, ironing, clear-starching, making up gents-fine shirts for evening wear. Everything's done under my own eye. But surely you don't do all that work yourself, ma'am? asked the barge-woman respectfully. Oh, I have girls, said Toad lightly. Well, twenty girls, all they're about, all was at work, but you know what girls are, ma'am. Nasty little hussies, that's what I call them. So do I, too, said the barge-woman with great heartiness. But I daresay you set yours to rights, the idle trollops. Are you very fond of washing? Oh, I love it, said Toad. I simply dote on it. Never so happy as when I've got both arms in the wash tub. But then it comes so easily to me. No trouble at all, a real pleasure, I assure you, ma'am. What a bit of luck meeting you, observed the barge-woman thoughtfully. A regular piece of good fortune for both of us. Why, what do you mean? asked the Toad nervously. Well, look at me now, replied the barge-woman. I like washing, too, just the same as you do. And for that matter, whether I like it or not, I have got to do all my own naturally moving about as I do. Now, my husband, he's such a fellow for shirking his work and leaving the barge to me, that never a moment do I get for seeing to my own affairs. By rights you ought to be here now, either steering or attending to the horse. Though, luckily, the horse has sense enough to attend to himself. Instead of which, he's gone off with the dog to see if they can't pick up a rabbit for dinner somewhere. Says he'll catch up with me at the next lock, well, that's as maybe. I don't trust him once he gets off with that dog who's worse than he is. In the meantime, how am I to get on with my washing? Oh, never mind about the washing, said Toad, not liking the subject. Try and fix your mind on that rabbit. A nice, fat, young rabbit I'll be bound. Got any onions? Hmm? I can't fix my mind on anything but my washing, said the barge-woman. And I wonder you can be talking of rabbits with such a joyful prospect before you. Here's a heap of things of mine that you'll find in a corner of the cabin. If you'll just take one or two of the most necessary sort. I won't venture to describe them to a lady like you, but you'll recognise them at a glance, and put them through the wash tub as we go along. Why? It'll be a pleasure to you, as you rightly say, and a real help to me. You'll find a tub handy and soap and a kettle on the stove, and a bucket to haul up water from the canal with. Then I shall know you're enjoying yourself, instead of sitting here idle, looking at the scenery and yawning your head off. Ah, here you let me steer, said Toad, and now thoroughly frightened. And then you can get on with your washing your own way. I might spoil your things or not do them as you like. I'm more used to gentlemen's things myself. It's my special line. Let you steer, replied the barge woman, laughing. It takes some practice to steer a barge properly. Besides, it's dull work, and I want you to be happy. Now, you should do the washing. You are so fond of, and I'll stick to the steering that I understand. Don't try and deprive me of the pleasure of giving you a treat. Toad was fairly cornered. He looked for escape this way and that, saw that he was too far from the bank for a flying leap, and sullenly resigned himself to his fate. I suppose, if it comes to that, he thought in desperation, I suppose any fool can wash. He fetched tub, soap, and other necessaries from the cabin, selected a few garments at random, tried to recollect what he had seen in casual glances through laundry windows, and set two. A long half-hour passed, and every minute of it saw Toad getting crosser and crosser. Nothing that he could do to the things seemed to please them, or do them good. He tried coaxing, he tried slapping, he tried punching, they smiled back at him out of the tub, unconverted, happy in their original sin. Once or twice he looked nervously over his shoulder at the barge-woman, but she appeared to be gazing out in front of her absorbed in her steering. His back ached badly, and he noticed with dismay that his paws were beginning to get all crinkly. Now Toad was very proud of his paws. He muttered under his breath words that should never pass the lips of either washer-women or Toads, and lost the soap for the fiftieth time. A burst of laughter made him straighten himself and look around. The barge-woman was leaning back and laughing unrestrainedly till the tears ran down her cheeks. I've been watching you all the time," she gasped. I thought you must be a humbug all along from the conceited way you talked. Pretty washer-woman you are. Never wash so much as a dish-clout in your life, Arlay. Toad's temper, which had been simmering viciously for some time now, fairly boiled over, and he lost all control of himself. You common, low, fat barge-woman," he shouted. Don't you dare talk to your betters like that. Washer-woman indeed. I would have you know that I'm a Toad. A very well-known, respected, distinguished Toad. I may be under a bit of a cloud at present, but I will not be laughed at by a barge-woman. The woman moved closer to him and peered under his bonnet keenly and closely. Why, so you are, she cried. Well, I never. A horrid, nasty, cruelly Toad, and in my nice clean barge too. Now, that is a thing I will not have. She relinquished the tiller for a moment. One big, mottled arm shot out and caught Toad by a foreleg, while the other gripped him fast by a hind leg. Then the world turned suddenly upside down. The barge seemed to flip lightly across the sky. The wind whistled in his ears, and Toad found himself flying through the air, revolving rapidly as he went. The water, when he eventually reached it with a loud splash, proved quite cold enough for his taste, though its chill was not sufficient to quell his proud spirit or to shake the heat of his furious temper. He rose to the surface, spluttering, and when he had wiped the duckweed out of his eyes, the first thing he saw was the fat barge-woman looking back at him over the stone of the retreating barge and laughing, and he vowed, as he coughed and choked, to be even with her. He struck out for the shore, but the cotton gown greatly impeded his efforts, and when at last he touched land, he found it hard to climb up the steep bank unassisted. He had to take a minute or two's rest to recover his breath. Then, gathering his wet skirts well over his arms, he started to run after the barge as fast as his legs would carry him, wild with indignation, thirsting for revenge. The barge-woman was still laughing when he drew up liver with her. Put yourself through your mangle, washer-woman. She cried out an eye on your face and crimped it, and you'll pass for a quite decent-looking toad. Ha-ha! Toad never paused to reply. Solid revenge was what he wanted, not cheap, windy, verbal triumphs, though he had a thing or two in his mind that he would have liked to say. He saw what he wanted ahead of him. Running swiftly on, he overtook the horse, fastened the tow-rope, and cast off, jumped lightly on the horse's back, and urged it to a gallop by kicking it vigorously in the sides. He steered for the open country, abandoning the tow-path, and swinging his steed down a rutty lane. Once he looked back and saw that the barge had run aground on the other side of the canal, and the barge-woman was gesticulating wildly and shouting, Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! I've heard that song before. Ha-ha! said Toad, laughing, as he continued to spur his steed onward in its wild career. The barge-horse was not capable of any very sustained effort, and its gallop soon subsided into a trot, and its trot into an easy walk. But Toad was quite contented with this, knowing that he at any rate was moving and the barge was not. He had quite recovered his temper now that he had done something he thought really clever, and he was satisfied to jog along quietly in the sun, taking advantage of any byways and bridal paths, and trying to forget how very long it was since he had had a square meal till the canal had been left very far behind him. He had traveled some miles his horse and he, and he was feeling drowsy in the hot sunshine when the horse stopped, lowered his head, and began to nibble the grass, and Toad, waking up, just saved himself from falling off by an effort. He looked about him and found he was on a wide common, dotted with patches of gorse and bramble as far as he could see. Near him stood a dingy gypsy caravan, and beside it a man was sitting on a bucket turned upside down, very busy smoking and staring into the wide world. A fire of sticks was burning nearby, and over the fire hung a lion-pot, and out of that pot came forth bubblings and gurglings, and a vague, suggestive steaminess. Also smells warm, rich and varied smells that twined and twisted and wreathed themselves at last into one complete, voluptuous, perfect smell that seemed like the very soul of nature taking form and appearance to her children. A true goddess, a mother of solace and comfort. Toad now knew well that he had not been really hungry before. What he had felt earlier in the day had been a mere trifling quarm. This was the real thing at last and no mistake, and it would have to be dealt with speedily too or there would be trouble for somebody or something. He looked the gypsy over carefully, wondering vaguely whether it would be easier to fight him or cajole him. So there he sat and sniffed and sniffed, and looked at the gypsy, and the gypsy sat and smoked, and looked at him. Presently the gypsy took his pipe out of his mouth and remarked in a careless way, What a sell-out horse of yours! The Toad was completely taken back. He did not know that gypsies were very fond of horse-stealing and never missed an opportunity, and he had not reflected that caravans were always on the move and took a great deal of drawing. It had not occurred to him to turn the horse into cash, but the gypsy's suggestions seemed to smooth the way toward the two things he wanted so badly, ready money and a solid breakfast. What, he said, me sell this beautiful young horse of mine? Oh no, it's out of the question. Who's going to take the washing-home to my customers every week? Besides, I'm too fond of him, and he simply dotes on me. Try to love a donkey, suggested the gypsy. Some people do. You don't seem to see, continued Toad, that this horse of mine is a cut above you altogether. He's a blood horse, he is, partly, and not the part you see, of course, another part. And he's been a prize hackney, too, in his time. That was the time before you knew him, but you can still tell it on him at a glance. If you understood anything about horses, no, it's not to be thought of for a moment. All the same, how much might you be disposed to offer me for this beautiful young horse of mine? The gypsy looked the horse over, and then he looked Toad over with equal care and looked at the horse again. Shill in a leg, he said briefly, and turned away, continuing to smoke and to try to stare the wild world out of countenance. A shilling leg, cried Toad. If you'll please, I must take a little time to work that out and see just what it comes to. He climbed down off his horse and left it to graze and sat down by the gypsy to do sums on his fingers, and at last he said, shilling a leg, why, that comes to exactly four shillings and no more. Oh, no, I couldn't think of accepting four shillings for this beautiful young horse of mine. Well, said the gypsy, I'll tell you what I will do. I'll make it five shillings, and that's three and six months more than the animal's worth, and that's my last word. Then Toad sat and pondered long and deeply, for he was hungry and quite penniless, and still someway he knew not how far from home an enemies might still be looking for him. To one in such a situation five shillings may very well appear a large sum of money. On the other hand, it didn't seem very much to get for a horse. But then again the horse hadn't cost him anything, so whatever he got was all clear profit. He said at last, look here, gypsy, I tell you what we'll do, and this is my last word. You shall hand me over six shillings and sixpence, cash down, and further, in addition there too, you shall give me as much breakfast as I can possibly eat at one sitting, of course, out of that iron pot of yours that keeps sending forth such delicious and exciting smells. In return I will make over to you my spirited young horse with all the beautiful harness and trappings that are on him freely thrown in. If that's not good enough for you, say so, and I'll be getting on, I know a man near here who's wanted this horse of mine for years. The gypsy grumbled frightfully and declared if he did a few more deals of that sort he'd be ruined. But in the end he lugged a dirty canvas bag out of the depths of his trouser pocket and counted out six shillings and sixpence into Toad's paw. Then he disappeared into the caravan for an instant and returned with a large iron plate with a knife and fork and spoon. He tilted up the pot and a glorious stream of hot rich stew gurgled into the plate. It was indeed the most beautiful stew in the world being made of partridges and pheasants and chickens and hares and rabbits and phehens and guinea fows and one or two other things. Toad took the plate on his lap almost crying and stuffed and stuffed and kept asking for more and the gypsy never grudged at him. He thought that he had never eaten so good a breakfast in all his life. When Toad had taken as much stew on board as he thought he could possibly hold, he got up, said goodbye to the gypsy and took an affectionate farewell of the horse and the gypsy who knew the riverside well gave him directions which way to go and his travels again in the best possible spirits. He was indeed a very different Toad from the animal of an hour ago. The sun was shining brightly, his wet clothes were quite dry again, he had money in his pocket once more, he was nearing home and friends and safety and most and best of all, he had had a substantial meal, hot and nourishing not big and strong and careless and self-confident. As he tramped along gaily he thought of his adventures and escapes and how when things seemed at their worst he had always managed to find a way out and his pride and conceit began to swell within him. Ho-ho! he said to himself as he marched along with his chin in the air What a clever Toad I am! There is surely no animal equal to me cleverness in the whole world My enemies shut me up in prison encircled by centuries watched night and day by warders I walk out through them all by sheer ability coupled with courage they pursue me with engines and policemen and revolvers I snap my fingers at them and vanish laughing into space I am unfortunately thrown into a canal by a woman fat of body and very evil-minded What of it? I swim ashore I seize her horse I ride off in triumph and I sell the horse for a whole pocket full of money and an excellent breakfast Ho-ho! I am the Toad the handsome, the popular, the successful Toad! He got so puffed up with conceit that he made up a song as he walked in praise of himself and sang it at the top of his voice though there was no one to hear it but him it was perhaps the most conceited song that any animal ever composed The world has had great heroes as history books have showed but never a name to go down in fame compared with that of Toad The clever men at Oxford know all that is to be known but they none of them know half as much as intelligent Mr Toad The animals sat in the ark and cried their tears in torrents flowed Who was it said? There's land ahead encouraging Mr Toad The army all saluted as they marched along the road Was it the king or kitchener? No, it was Mr Toad The queen and her ladies in waiting sat in the window and sewed She cried, look who's that handsome man? They answered Mr Toad There was a great deal more of the same sort but too dreadfully conceited to be written down These are some of the milder verses He sang as he walked and he walked as he sang and got more inflated every minute but his pride was shortly to have a severe fall After some miles of country lanes he reached the high road and as he turned into it and glanced along its white length he saw approaching him a speck that turned into a dot and then into a blob and then into something very familiar and a double note of warning only too well-known fell on his delighted ear This is something like said the excited Toad This is real life again This is once more the great world from which I have been missed so long I will hail them, my brothers of the wheel and pitch them a yarn of the sort that has been so successful hitherto and they will give me a lift of course and then I will talk to them some more and perhaps with luck it may even end in my driving up to Toad Hall The motor car that will be one in the eye of a badger He stepped confidently into the road to hail the motor car which came along at an easy pace slowing down as it neared the lane when suddenly he became very pale his heart turned to water his knees shook and yielded under him and he doubled up and collapsed with a sickening pain in his interior and well he might the unhappy animal for the approaching car was the very one he had stolen out of the yard of the Red Lion Hotel on that fatal day when all his troubles began and the people in it were the very same people he had sat and watched at luncheon in the coffee room he sank down in a shabby miserable heap in the road murmuring to himself in his despair it's all up, it's all over now chains and policemen again prison again dry bread and water again oh what a fool I've been what did I want to go strutting about the country for singing conceited songs and hailing people in broad day on the high road instead of hiding till nightfall and slipping home quietly on back ways oh hapless Toad oh ill-fated animal the terrible motor-car drew slowly nearer and nearer till at last he heard it stop just short of him two gentlemen got out and walked round the trembling heap of crumpled misery lying in the road and one of them said oh dear, this is sad here's a poor old thing a washerwoman apparently who has fainted in the road perhaps she is overcome by the heat poor creature or possibly she has not had any food today let us lift her into the car and take her to the nearest village where doubtless she has friends they tenderly lifted Toad into the motor-car and propped him up with soft cushions and proceeded on their way when Toad heard them talk in so kind and sympathetic a manner and knew that he was not recognised his courage began to revive and he cautiously opened first one eye and then the other look! said one of the gentlemen she's better already the fresh air is doing her good how do you feel now, ma'am? oh, thank you kindly, sir said Toad in a feeble voice I'm feeling a great deal better that's right, said the gentleman now keep quiet still and above all don't try to talk oh, I won't, said Toad I was only thinking oh, if I might sit in the front seat there beside the driver where I could get the fresh air full in my face I should soon be all right again what a sensible woman, said the gentleman of course you shall so they carefully helped Toad into the front seat beside the driver and on they went once more Toad was almost himself by now he sat up, looked about him and tried to beat down the tremors the yearnings, the old cravings that rose up and beset him and took possession of him entirely is fate, he said to himself why strive, why struggle? and he turned to the driver at his side ah, please, sir, he said I wish you would kind let me try and drive the car for a little I've been watching you carefully and it looks so easy and so interesting and I should like to be able to tell my friends that I once had driven a motor car the driver laughed at the proposal so heartily that the gentleman inquired what the matter was when he heard he said to Toad's delight bravo, ma'am, I like your spirit let her have a try and look after her she won't do any harm Toad eagerly scrambled into the seat vacated by the driver took the steering wheel in his hands listened with affected humility to the instructions given him and set the car in motion but very slowly and carefully at first for he was determined to be prudent the gentleman behind clapped their hands and applauded and Toad heard them saying how well she does it fancy a washerwoman driving a car as well as that the first time Toad went a little faster then faster still and faster he heard the gentleman call out warningly be careful, washerwoman and this annoyed him and he began to lose his head the driver tried to interfere but he pinned him down in his seat with one elbow and put on full speed the rush of air in his face and the harm of the engine and the light jump of the car beneath him intoxicated his weak brain washerwoman indeed he shouted recklessly ho ho, I am the Toad the motor car snatcher the prison breaker the Toad who always escapes sit still and you shall know what driving really is for you are in the hands of the famous the skillful the entirely fearless Toad with a cry of horror the whole party rose and flung themselves on him sees him they cried sees the Toad the wicked animal who stole our motor car bind him, chain him drag him to the nearest police station down with the desperate and dangerous Toad alas, they should have thought they ought to have been more prudent they should have remembered to stop the motor car somehow before playing any pranks of that sort at the half turn of the wheel the Toad sent the car crashing through the low hedge that ran along the roadside one mighty bound a violent shock and the wheels of the car were churning up the thick mud of a horse pond Toad found himself flying through the air with the strong upward rush and delicate curve of a swallow he liked the motion and was just beginning to wonder whether it would go on until he developed wings and turned into a Toad bird that he landed on his back with a thump in the soft, rich grass of a meadow sitting up he could just see the motor car in the pond, nearly submerged the gentleman and the driver encumbered by their long coats were floundering helplessly in the water he picked himself up rapidly and set off running across country as hard as he could scrambling through hedges, jumping ditches pounding across fields till he was breathless and weary and had to settle down into an easy walk when he had recovered his breath somewhat and was able to think calmly he began to giggle and from giggling he took to laughing and he laughed till he had to sit down under a hedge he cried in the ecstasy of self admiration Toad again Toad as usual comes out on top Who was it who got them to give him a lift? Who managed to get on the front seat for the sake of fresh air? Who persuaded them into letting him see if he could drive? Who landed them all in a horse pond? Who escaped, flying gaily and unscathed through the air leaving the narrow minded grudging, timid excursionists in the mud where they should rightly be? Why Toad of course, clever Toad Great Toad, good Toad Then he burst into song-gain and chanted with uplifted voice The motor-car went poop poop poop as he raced along the road Who was it steered it into a pond ingenious Mr Toad? Oh, how clever I am! How clever, how clever, how very clever! A slight noise at a distance behind him made him turn his head and look Oh horror, oh misery, oh despair! About two fields off a chauffeur in his leather-gators and two large rural policemen were visible running toward him as hard as they could go Poor Toad sprang to his feet and pelted away his heart in his mouth Oh my, he grasped as he pented along What an ass I am! What a conceited and heedless ass! Swaggering again, shouting and singing songs again sitting still and gassing again Oh my, oh my, oh my! He glanced back and saw to his dismay that they were gaining on him On he ran desperately but kept looking back and saw that they still gained steadily He did his best but he was a fat animal and his legs were short and still they gained He could hear them close by now Ceasing to heed where he was going he struggled on blindly and wildly looking back over his shoulder at the now-trampfound enemy when suddenly the earth failed under his feet He gasped at the air and splashed He found himself head over heels in deep water rapid water water that bore him along with a force that he could not contend with and he knew that in his blind panic he had run straight into the river He rose to the surface and tried to grasp the reeds and the rushes that grew along the water's edge close under the bank but the stream was so strong that it tore them out of his hands Oh my! gasped the poor toad If ever I steal and melt a car again if ever I sing another conceded song Then down he went and came up breathless and splattering Presently he saw that he was approaching a big dark hole in the bank just above his head and as the stream bore him past he reached up with one poor and caught hold of the edge and held on Then slowly and with difficulty he drew himself up out of the water till at last he was able to rest his elbows on the edge of the hole There he remained for some minutes puffing and panting for he was quite exhausted As he sighed and blew and stared before him into the dark hole some bright small thing shone and twinkled in its depths moving towards him approached a face grew gradually around it and it was a familiar face brown and small with whiskers grave and round with neat ears and silky hair It was the water rat End of Chapter 10 The Wind and the Willows by Kenneth Graham read by Adrian Pretzelis Chapter 11 like summer tempests came his tears The rat put out a neat little brown paw gripped toad firmly by the scrub of the neck and gave a great hoist and a pull and the waterlogged toad came up slowly but surely over the edge of the hole till at last he stood safe and sound in the hole streaked with mud and weed to be sure and with the water streaming off him but happy and high-spirited as of old now that he had found himself once more in the house of a friend and dodgings and invasions were over and he could lay aside a disguise that was unworthy of his position and wanted such a lot of living up to Oh, ratty! he cried I've been through such time since I saw you last you can't think such trials such sufferings and all so nobly born then such escape, such disguises such subterfuges and all so cleverly planned and carried out been imprisoned, got out of it of course been thrown into a canal, swam ashore stole a horse, sold him for a large sum of money humbugged everybody, made them all do exactly what I wanted Oh, I am a smart toad and no mistake and what do you think my last exploit was just hold on till I tell you Toad, said the water rat, gravely and firmly you go upstairs at once and take off that old cotton rag that looks like it might formerly have belonged to some washerwoman and clean yourself thoroughly put on some of my clothes and try to come down looking like a gentleman if you can, for a more shabby, bedraggled disreputable looking object than you are I've never set eyes on him my whole life now, stop swaggering and arguing and be off I'll have something to say to you later Toad was at first inclined to stop and do some talking back to him he had had enough of being ordered about when he was in prison and here was the thing being begun all over again apparently and by a rat too however, he caught sight of himself in the looking glass over the hat stand with the rusty black bonnet perched rakishly over one eye and he changed his mind and went very quickly and humbly upstairs to the rat's dressing room there he had a thorough wash and brush up changed his clothes and stood for a long time before the glass contemplating himself with pride and pleasure and thinking what utter idiots all the people must have been to have ever mistaken him for one moment for a washerwoman by the time he came down again luncheon was on the table and very glad Toad was to see it for he had been through some trying experiences and had taken much hard exercise since the excellent breakfast provided him by the gypsy while they ate Toad told the rat all his adventures dwelling chiefly on his own cleverness and presence of mind in emergencies and cunning in tight places and rather making out that he had been having a gay and highly coloured experience but the more he talked and boasted the more grave and silent the rat became when at last Toad had talked himself to a standstill there was silence for a while and then the rat said no Toadie I don't want to give you pain after all you've been through but seriously don't you see what an awful ass you've been making of yourself on your own admission you've been handcuffed imprisoned starved chased terrified out of your life insulted jeered at and ignominiously flung into the water by a woman too where's the amusement and that where does the fun come in and all because you must need to go and steal a motor car you know that you've never had anything but trouble from motor cars from the moment you first set eyes on one but if you will get mixed up with them as you generally are five minutes after you've started why steal them be a cripple if you think it's exciting be a bankrupt for a change if you've set your mind on it but why choose to be a convict when are you going to be sensible and think of your friends and try and be a credit to them do you suppose it's any pleasure for me for instance to hear animals saying as I go about that I am the chap that keeps company with jailbirds now it was a very comforting point in Toad's character that he was a thoroughly good hearted animal and never minded being jeered by those who are his real friends and even when most set upon a thing he was always able to see the other side of the question so although while the rat was talking so seriously he kept saying to himself mutinously but it was fun there awful fun and making strange suppressed noises inside him and and other sounds resembling stifled snorts or the opening of soda water bottles yet when the rat had quite finished he heaved a deep sigh and said very nicely and humbly quite right ratty how sound you always are yes I've been a conceited old ass I can quite see that now but I'm going to be a good Toad and not do it anymore as for motor cars I've not been at all so keen on them since my last ducking in that river of yours the fact is while I was hanging onto the edge of your hole and getting my breath I had a sudden idea a really brilliant idea connected with motor boats there there there also chap and stamp and upset things it was only an idea and we won't talk about it anymore now we'll have our coffee and a smoke and a quiet chat and then I'm going to stroll gently down to Toad Hall and get into clothes of my own and set things going again on the old lines I've had enough of adventures I shall lead a quiet steady respectable life pottering about my property moving it and doing a little landscape gardening at times there will always be a bit of dinner for my friends when they come to see me and I shall keep a pony sheath to jog around the country in just as I used in the old days before I got restless and wanted to do things stroll gently down to Toad Hall cried the rat greatly excited what are you talking about do you mean to say you haven't heard heard what said Toad turning rather pale go on Ratty quick don't spare me what haven't I heard do you mean to tell me shouted the rat thumping with his little fist upon the table that you have heard nothing about the stoats and weasels what the wild wooders cried Toad trembling in every limb oh not a word what have they been doing and how they been and taken Toad Hall continued the rat Toad leaned his elbows on the table and his chin on his paws and a large tear welled up in each of his eyes overflowed and splashed on the table plop plop go on Ratty he murmured presently tell me a wall the worst is over I am an animal again I can bear it when you got into that that trouble of yours said the rat slowly and impressively I mean when you disappeared from society for a time over that misunderstanding about a machine you know Toad merely nodded well it was a good deal talked about down here naturally continued the rat not only along the riverside but even in the wild wood animals took sides as always happens the riverbankers stuck up for you and said you'd been infamously treated and there was no justice to be had in the land nowadays but the wild wood animal said hard things and served you right and it was time that this sort of thing was stopped and they got very cocky and when about saying you were done for this time you would never come back again never never Toad nodded once more keeping silence that's the sort of little beast they are the rat went on but Mole and Badger they stuck out through thick and thin that you would come back again soon somehow they didn't know exactly how but somehow Toad began to sit up in his chair again and to look a little they argued from history continued the rat they said that no criminal laws had ever been known to prevail against cheek and plausibility such as yours combined with the power of a long purse so they arranged to move their things into Toad Hall and sleep there and keep it aired and have it all ready for you when you turned up they didn't guess what was going to happen of course still they had their suspicions of the wild wood animals now I come to the most painful and tragic part of my story one dark night it was a very dark night and blowing hard too and raining simply cats and dogs a band of weasels armed to the teeth crept silently up the carriage drove to the front entrance simultaneously a body of desperate ferrets advanced through the kitchen garden possessing themselves of the backyard and offices while a company of skirmishing stoats who stuck at nothing occupied the conservatory in the billiard room and held the French windows opening onto the lawn the mole and badger were sitting by the fire in the smoking room telling stories and suspecting nothing for it wasn't a night for any animals to be out when those bloodthirsty villains broke down the doors and rushed in upon them from every side they made the best fight they could but what was their good they were unarmed and taken by surprise and what can two animals do against hundreds they took and beat them severely with sticks those two far faithful creatures and turned them out into the cold and the wet with many insulting and uncalled fire remarks here the unfeeling toad broke into a snigger and then pulled himself together and tried to look particularly solemn and the oil-wooders have been living in toad hall ever since continued the rat and going on simply anyhow lowing in bed half the day and breakfast at all hours and the place such a mess I'm told it's not fit to be seen eating your grub and drinking your drink and making bad jokes about you and singing vulgar songs about well, about prisons and magistrates and policemen horrid personal songs with no humor in them and they're telling the tradespeople and everybody that they've come to stay for good oh, have they said the toad getting up and seizing a stick I'll jolly soon see about that there's no good toad called rat after him you better come back and sit down you're only getting to trouble but the toad was off and there was no holding him he marched rapidly down the road his stick over his shoulder fuming and muttering to himself in his anger till he got near his front gate when suddenly they popped up from behind the palings a long yellow ferret with a gun who comes there said the ferret sharply stop and nonsense said toad very angrily what do you mean by talking like that to me come out of it at once or I'll the ferret said never a word but brought his gun to his shoulder toad prudently dropped flat on the road and bang a bullet whistled over his head the startled toad scrambled to his feet and scampered off down the road as fast as he could he heard the ferret laughing and other horrid thin little laughs taking it up and carrying on the sound he went back very crestfallen and told the water rat what did I tell you said the rat is no good they've got centuries posted and they're all armed you must wait still toad was not inclined to give in all at once so he got out the boat and set off rowing up the river to where the front garden of toad hall came down to the water side arriving within sight of his old home he rested on his oars and surveyed the land cautiously all seemed very peaceful and deserted and quiet he could see the whole front of toad hall glowing in the evening sunshine the pigeons settling by twos and threes along the straight line of the roof the garden a blaze of flowers the creek that led up to the boat house the little wooden bridge that crossed it all tranquil uninhabited apparently waiting for his return he would try the boat house first he thought very wearily he paddled up to the mouth of the creek and was just passing under the bridge when CRASH a giant stone dropped from above smashed through the bottom of the boat it filled and sank and the toad found himself struggling in deep water looking up he saw two stoats leaning over the parapet of the bridge and watching him with great glee it will be your head next time toady they called out to him the indignant toad swam to shore while the stoats laughed supporting each other and laughed again till they nearly had two fits that is one fit each of course the toad retraced his weary way on foot and related his disappointing experiences to the water rat once more wow what did I tell you said the rat very crossly and now look here see what you've been and done lost me my boat that I was so kind of that's what you've done and simply ruined that nice suit of clothes that I lent you really toady of all the trained animals I wonder you managed to keep any friends at all the toad saw at once how wrongly and foolishly he had acted he admitted his errors and wrongheadedness and made a full apology to rat for losing his boat and spoiling his clothes and he wound up by saying with all that frank self surrender which always disarmed his friends criticism and won them back to his side ratty I see that I've been a head strong and willful toad henceforth believe me I will be humble and submissive and will take no action without your kind advice and full approval if that is really so said the good natured rat already appeased then my advice to you is considering the lateness of the hour to sit down and have your supper which will be on the table in a minute and be very patient for I am convinced that we can do nothing until we have seen the mole and the badger and heard their latest news and held conference and taken their advice in this difficult matter ah oh yes of course the mole and the badger said toad lightly ah what's become of them the dear fellows I had forgotten all about them well may you ask said the rat reproachfully why you were riding about the country in expensive motor-cars and galloping proudly on blood horses and breakfasting on the fat of the land those two poor devoted animals have been camping out in the open in every sort of weather living very rough by day and lying very hard by night watching over your house patrolling your boundaries keeping a constant eye on the stoats and the weasels scheming and planning and contriving how to get your property back for you you don't deserve to have such true and loyal friends toad you don't really some day when it's too late you'll be sorry you didn't value them more while you had them a grateful beast I know sob toad shedding bitter tears let me go and find them out in the cold dark night and share their hardships and try and prove by hold a bit surely I heard the clink of dishes on a tray supper's here at last hooray come on ratty the rat remembered that poor toad had been on prison fare for a considerable time and that large allowances had therefore to be made he followed him to the table accordingly and hospitably encouraged him in his gallant efforts to make up for past privations they had just finished their meal and resumed their arm-chairs when there came a heavy knock on the door toad was nervous but the rat, nodding mysteriously at him, went straight to the door and opened it and in walked Mr. Badger he had all the appearance of one who for some nights had kept away from home in all its little comforts and conveniences his shoes were covered with mud and he was looking very rough and tousled but then he had never been a very smart man the Badger at the best of times he came solemnly up to toad shook him by the poor and said welcome home toad alas what am I saying home indeed this is a poor homecoming a happy toad then he turned his back on him sat down to the table drew his chair up and helped himself to a very large slice of cold pie toad was quite alarmed at this very serious and potentious style of greeting but the rat whispered to him never mind, don't take any notice and don't say anything to him just yet he's always rather low and despondent when he's been wanting to take jewels in half an hour's time he'll be quite a different animal so they waited in silence and presently there came another and lighter knock the rat with a nod to toad went to the door and ushered in the Mole very shabby and unwashed with bits of hay and straw sticking to his fur hooray, here's old toad cried the Mole his face beaming and he began to dance around we never dreamed you would turn up so soon why you must have managed to escape you clever ingenious, intelligent toad the rat alarmed pulled him by the elbow but it was too late toad was puffing and swelling already clever, oh no he said I'm not really that clever calling to my friends I've only broken out of the strongest prison in England that's all and captured a railway trade and escaped on it that's all and disguised myself and gone about the country humbugging everybody that's all, oh no I'm a stupid ass I am I'll tell you one or two of my little adventures Mole and you should judge for yourself well well said the Mole, moving toward the suffer table supposing you talk while I eat not a bite since breakfast oh my oh my and he sat down and helped himself liberally to cold beef and pickles toad straddled on the half-rug thrust his paw into his trouser pocket and pulled out a handful of silver look at that he cried displaying it that's not bad is it for a few minutes work and how do you think I'd done it Mole horse stealing that's how I'd done it go on toad said the Mole immensely interested toad do be quiet please said the Rat and don't you egg him our Mole when you know what he is and please tell us as soon as possible what the position is and what's best to be done now that toad is back the position's about as bad as it can be replied the Mole grumpily and as for what's to be done why blessed if I know the Badger and I have been round and round the place by night and day always the same thing centuries posted everywhere guns poked out as stones thrown at us always an animal on the lookout and when they see us my how they do laugh that's what annoys me most it's a very difficult situation said the Rat reflecting deeply but I think I see now in the depths of my mind what toad really ought to do I will tell you he ought to no he oughtn't shouted the Mole with his mouth full nothing of the salt you don't understand what he ought to do is he ought to well I shan't do it anyway cried the toad getting excited I'm not going to be ordered about by you fellows it's my house we're talking about and I know exactly what to do and I'll tell you I'm going to by this time they were all three talking at once at the top of their voices the noise was simply deafening when a thin dry voice made itself heard saying be quiet at once all of you and instantly everyone was silent it was the badger who having finished his pie had turned round in his chair and was looking at them severely when he saw that he had secured their attention and that they were evidently waiting for him to address them he turned back to the table again looking out for the cheese and so great was the respect commanded by the solid character of that admirable animal the not another word was uttered until he had quite finished his repast and brushed the crumbs from his knees the toad fidgeted a great deal but the rat held him firmly down when the badger had quite done he got up from his seat and stood before the fireplace at last he spoke toad he said severely you bad troublesome little animal aren't you ashamed of yourself what do you think your father my old friend would have said if he had been here to-night and had known of all your goings on toad who was on the sofa by this time with his legs up rolled over on his face by subs of contrition there there went on the badger more kindly never mind stop crying we're going to let boy guns be boy guns and try and turn over a new leaf but what the mole says is quite true the stoats are on guard at every point and they make the best sentels in the world it's quite useless to think of attacking the place they're too strong for us then it's all over sobbed toad crying into the super cushion I shall go and enlist for a soldier and never see my dear toad-hole any more calm cheer up toadie said the badger there are more ways of getting back a place than taking it by storm I haven't said my last word yet now I'm going to tell you a great secret toad sat up slowly and dried his eyes secrets had an immense attraction for him because he never could keep one and he enjoyed the sort of unhallowed thrill he experienced when he went and told another animal after having faithfully promised not to there is an underground passage said the badger impressively that leads from the river bank quite near here up into the middle of toad-hole oh nonsense badger said toad rather eerily you've been listening to some of the yarns they spin in the public houses about her I know every inch of toad-hole inside and out nothing of the sort I do assure you my young friend said the badger with great severity your father who was a worthy animal a lot worthier than some I know was a particular friend of mine and told me a great deal he wouldn't have dreamed of telling you he discovered that passage he didn't make it of course that was hundreds of years before he ever came to live there and he repaired it and cleaned it out because he thought it might come in useful one day in case of trouble or danger and he showed it to me don't let my son know about it he said he's a good boy but very light and volatile in character and simply cannot hold his tongue if he's ever in a real fix and it would be of use to him you may tell him about the secret passage but not before the other animals looked hard at toad to see how he would take it toad was inclined to be sulky at first but he brightened up immediately like the good fellow he was well well he said perhaps I am a bit of a talker a popular fellow such as I my friends get around me we chaff, we sparkle we tell witty stories and somehow my tongue gets wagging I have the gift of conversation I've been told I ought to have a salon whatever that may be never mind go on badger I've found out a thing or two lately continued the badger I got uttered and disguised himself as a sweep and called at the back door with brushes over his shoulder asking for a job there's going to be a big banquet tomorrow night somebody's birthday the chief weasels I believe and all the weasels will be gathered together in the dining hall eating and drinking and laughing and carrying on suspecting nothing no guns no swords, no sticks no arms of any sort whatsoever but the sentinels will be posted as usual remarked the right exactly said the badger that is my point the weasels will trust entirely to the excellent sentinels and that is where the passage comes in that very useful tunnel leads right up under the butler's pantry next to the dining hall aha that squeaky board in the butler's pantry said the toad now I understand it we shall creep out quietly into the butler's pantry cried them all with our pistols and swords and sticks shouted the rat run him and whack him and whack him and whack him cried the toad in ecstasy running around the room and jumping over the chairs very well then said the badger, resuming his usual dry manner our plan is settled and there's nothing more for you to argue and squabble about so it's getting very late all of you go right off to bed at once we'll make all the arrangements in the course of the morning tomorrow toad of course went off to bed dutifully with the rest he knew better than to refuse though he was feeling much too excited to sleep but he had had a very long day with many events crowded into it and sheets and blankets were very friendly and comforting things after plain straw and not too much of that spread on the stone floor of a drafty cell and his head had not been many seconds on his pillow before he was snoring happily naturally he dreamed a great deal about roads that ran away from him just when he wanted them and canals that chased him and caught him and a barge that sailed into the banqueting hall with his weeks washing just as he was giving a dinner party and he was alone in the secret passage pushing onwards but it twisted and turned round and shook itself and sat up on its end yet somehow at last he found himself back in toad hall safe and triumphant with all his friends gathered round about him earnestly assuring him that he really was a clever toad he slept till late hour next morning and by the time he got down he found that the other animals had finished their breakfast sometime before the mole had slipped off somewhere by himself without telling anyone where he was going the badger sat in an armchair reading the paper and not concerning himself in the slightest about what was going to happen that very evening the rat on the other hand was running around the room busily, his arms full of weapons of every kind distributing them in four little heaps on the floor and saying excitedly under his breath here's a sword for the rat here's a sword for the mole here's a sword for the toad here's a sword for the badger here's a pistol for the rat here's a pistol for the mole here's a pistol for the toad here's a pistol for the badger and so on in a regular, rhythmical way while the four little heaps gradually grew and grew that's all very well rat said the badger presently looking at the busy little animal I'm not blaming you but just let us once get past the stoats with those detestable guns of yours and I assure you we won't want any swords or pistols we four with our sticks once we're inside the dining hall why we shall clear the floor with a lot of them in five minutes I'd have done the whole thing by myself I didn't want to deprive you fellows of the fun it's as well to be on the safe side said the rat reflectively polishing a pistol barrel on his sleeve and looking along it the toad, having finished his breakfast picked up a stout stick and swung it vigorously belaboring imaginary animals I'll learn them to steal my house he cried I'll learn them I'll learn them I'll learn them toad said the rat greatly shocked it's not good English what are you always nagging toad for inquired the badger rather peevishly what's the matter with his English it's the same as I use myself and if it's good enough for me it ought to be good enough for you I'm very sorry said the rat humbly only I think it ought to be teach him not learn him but we don't want to teach him replied the badger we want to learn him learn him, learn him and what's more we're going to do it too oh very well have it your own way said the rat he was getting rather muddled about it himself and presently he retired into a corner where he could be heard muttering learn him, teach him teach him, learn him the badger told him rather sharply to leave off presently the mole came tumbling into the room evidently very pleased with himself I've been having such fun he began at once I've been getting the rise out of the stoats I hope you've been being very careful mole said the rat anxiously I should hope so too said the mole confidently I got the idea when I went into the kitchen to see about toad's breakfast being kept hot for him I found that old washerwoman dress that he came home in yesterday hanging on a towel horse before the fire so I put it on and the bonnet as well and the shawl and off I went to toad haul as bold as you please the sentries who were a look out of course with their guns and their who comes there and the rest of their nonsense good morning gentlemen says I very respectful want any washing done today they looked at me very proud and stiff and haughty and said go away washerwoman we don't do any washing on duty or any other time I says ho ho wasn't I funny toad poor frivolous animal said toad very loftily the fact is he felt exceedingly jealous of mole for what he had just done it was exactly what he would have liked to have done himself if only he had thought of it first and hadn't gone and overslept himself some of the stoats turned quite pink continued the mole and the sergeant in charge he said to me very short now run away my good woman run away don't keep my men idling and talking at their posts run away says I it won't be me that will be running away in a very short time from now oh moly how could you said the rat dismayed the badger laid down his paper I could see them pricking up their ears and looking at each other went on the mole and the sergeant says to me never mind about her she doesn't know what she's talking about oh don't I says I well let me tell you this my daughter she washes for Mr Badger and that will show you whether I know what I'm talking about and you'll know pretty soon too a hundred bloodthirsty badgers armed with rifles are going to attack Toadhaw this very night by the way of the paddock six boatloads of rats with pistols and cutlerces will come up the river and affect a landing in the garden while a picked body of toads known as the diehards or death or glory toads will storm the orchard and carry everything before them yelling for vengeance there won't be much left of you to wash by the time they're done with you unless you clear out why you have the chance then I ran away and when I was out of sight I hid and presently I came creeping back along the ditch and took a peep at them through the hedge they were all as nervous and flustered as could be running always at once and falling over each other and everyone giving all this to everybody else and not listening and the sergeant kept sending off parties of stoats to distant parts of the grounds and then sending other fellows to fetch them back again and I heard them say to each other oh that's just like the weasels they're going to stop comfortably in the banquet in hall and have feastings and toasts and songs and all sorts of fun while we must stay on guard in the cold and the dark and in the end be cut to pieces by bloodthirsty badgers oh you silly ass mel cried the toad you've been spoiled everything mole said the badger in his dry quiet way I perceive that you have more sense in your little finger than some other animals have in the whole of their fat buddies you have managed excellently and I begin to have great hopes for you good mole clever mole the toad was simply wild with jealousy more especially as he couldn't make out for the life of him what the mole had done that was so particularly clever but fortunately for him before he could show temper or expose himself to the badger's sarcasm the bell rang for luncheon it was a simple but sustaining meal bacon and broad beans and a macaroni pudding and when they had quite done the badger settled himself into an armchair and said well we've got our work cut out for us tonight and it will probably be pretty late before we're quite through with it so I'm just going to take 40 winks while I can and he drew a handkerchief over his face and was soon snoring the anxious and laborious rat at once resumed his preparations and started running between his four little heaps muttering here is a belt for the rat here is a belt for the mole here is a belt for the toad here is a belt for the badger and so on with every fresh accoutrement he produced to which there seemed really no end so the mole drew his arm through toads laid him out into the open air shoved him into a wicker chair and made him tell him his adventures from beginning to end which toad was only too willing to do the mole was a good listener and toad with no one to check his statements or to criticize in an unfriendly spirit rather let himself go indeed much that he related belonged more properly to the category of what might have happened if had I only thought of it in time instead of ten minutes afterwards those are always the best and the raciest adventures and why should they not be truly ours as much as somewhat inadequate things that really come off end of Chapter 11 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to find out how you can volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graham read by Adrian Pretzelis Chapter 12 The Return of Ulysses It began to grow dark the rat with an air of excitement and mystery summoned them back into the parlour stood each of them alongside his little heap and proceeded to dress them up for the coming expedition he was very earnest and thorough going about it and the affair took quite a long time first there was a belt to go around the animal and then a sword to be stuck into each belt then a cutlass on the other side to balance it then a pair of pistols a policeman's truncheon several sets of handcuffs some bandages and sticking plaster and a flash and a sandwich case the badger laughed a good humanly and said alright ratty it amuses you and it doesn't hurt me I'm going to do all what I've got to do with this here stick but the rat only said please badger you know I shouldn't let you to blame me afterwards and say I'd forgotten anything when all was quite ready the badger took a dark lantern in one paw grasped his heavy stick with the other and said no then follow me mole first because I very pleased with him toad last and look here toadie don't you chatter so much as usual all you'll be sent back as sure as fate the toad was so anxious not to be left out that he took up the inferior position assigned to him without a murmur and the animal set off the badger led them along by the river for a little way and then suddenly swung himself over the edge into a hole in the river bank a little above the water the mole and the rat followed silently swinging themselves successfully into the hole as they had seen the badger do but when it came to toad's turn of course he managed to slip and fall into the water with a loud splash and a squeal of alarm he was hauled out by his friends rubbed down and wrung out hastily comforted and set on his legs but the badger was seriously angry and told him that the very next time he made a fool of himself he would most certainly be left behind so at last they were in the secret passage and the cutting out expedition had really begun it was cold and dark and damp and low and narrow and poor toad began to shiver partly from dread of what might be before him partly because he was wet through the lantern was far ahead and he could not help lagging behind a little in the darkness then he heard the rat call out warningly come on toad and a terror seized him of being left behind alone in the darkness and he came on with such a rush that he upset the rat into the mole and the mole into the badger and for a moment all was confusion the badger thought that they were being attacked from behind and as there was no room to use a stick or a cutlass drew a pistol and was on the point of putting a bullet into toad then he found out what had really happened and he was very angry indeed and said this time that tiresome toad shall be left behind but toad whimpered and the other two promised he would be answerable for his good conduct and at last the badger was pacified and the procession moved on only this time the rat brought up the rear with a firm grip on the shoulder of toad so they groped and shuffled along with their ears pricked up and their paws on their pistols till at last the badger said we are by now to be pretty nearly under the hall then suddenly they heard far away as it might be and yet apparently nearly over their heads a confused murmur of sound as if people were shouting and cheering and stamping on the floor and hammering on tables the toads nervous terrors all returned but the badger only remarked placidly they are going at it the weasels the passage now began to slope upwards they groped onward a little further then noise broke out again quite distinct this time and very close above them hooray hooray hooray hooray they heard and the stamping of little feet on the floor and the chinking of glasses as little fists pounded on the table what a time they are having said the badger one they hurried along the passage till it came to a full stop and they found themselves standing under the trap door that led up into the butler's pantry such a tremendous noise was going on in the banqueting hall that there was little danger of their being overheard the badger said nil boys all together and the four of them put their shoulders to the trap door and heaved it back hoisting each other up they found themselves standing in the pantry with only a door between them and the banqueting hall where the unconscious enemies were carousing the noise as they emerged from the passage was simply deafening at last as the cheering and hammering slowly subsided a voice could be made out saying well I do not propose to detain you much longer great applause but before I resume my seat resumed cheering I should like to say one word about our kind host Mr Toad we all know Mr Toad great laughter good Toad modest Toad honest Toad shrieks of merriment only let me get at him moment Toad grinding his teeth hold hard a minute said the badger restraining him with difficulty get ready all of you let me sing you a little song went on the voice which I have composed on the subject of Toad prolonged applause then the chief weasel for it was he began in a high squeaky voice Toad he went a pleasure in glee down the street the badger drew himself up took a firm grip of his stick with both paws glanced round at his companions and cried the aura's come follow me and flung the door open wide my what a squealing and a squeaking and a screeching filled the air well might the terrified weasels dive under the tables and spring madly at the windows well might the ferrets rush wildly for the fireplace and get hopelessly jammed in the chimney well might tables and chairs be upset and glass and china be sent crashing on the floor in the panic of that terrible moment when the four heroes strode wrathfully into the room the mighty badger his whiskers bristling his great cudgel whistling through the air mole black and grim brandishing his stick and shouting his awful war cry a mole a mole rat desperate and determined his belt bulging with weapons of every age and every variety Toad frenzied with excitement and injured pride swollen to twice his ordinary size leaping into the air and emitting toad whoops that chilled them to the marrow Toad he went a pleasuring he yelled oh, pleasure him and he went straight for the chief weasel there were but four in all back to the panic-stricken weasels the hall seemed full of monstrous animals gray, black, brown and yellow whooping and flourishing enormous cudgels and they broke and fled in screams of terror and dismay this way and that through the windows up the chimney anywhere to get out of reach of those terrible sticks the affair was soon over up and down the whole length of the hall strode the four friends whacking with their sticks at every head that showed itself and in five minutes the room was cleared through the broken windows the shrieks of terrified weasels escaping across the lawn were born fatally to their ears on the floor lay prostrate some dozen or so of the enemy on whom Moll was busily engaged in fitting handcuffs the badger resting from his labors leaned on his stick and wiped his honest brow Moll he said, you're the best of fellows just cut a long outside and look after the stout centuries of yours and see what they're doing I've an idea that thanks to you we shan't have much trouble from them to-night the Moll vanished promptly through a window and the badger bad the other two set up a table on its legs again pick up knives and forks and plates and glasses from the debris on the floor and see if they could find material for a supper I want some grub I do in that rather common way he had of speaking stir your stumps Toad and look lively we've got your house back for you where you don't even offer us so much as a sandwich Toad felt rather hurt that the badger didn't say pleasant things to him as he had to Moll and tell him what a fine fellow he was and how splendidly he had fought for he was rather particularly pleased with himself and the way he had gone with a brief weasel and sent him flying across the table with one blow from his stick but he bustled about and so did the rat and soon they found some guava jelly in a glass dish and a cold chicken in a tongue that had hardly been touched some trifle and quite a lot of lobster salad and in the pantry they came across a basket full of French rolls and any quantity of cheese butter and celery they were about to sit down when the Moll clambered in through the window chuckling with an armful of rifles it's all over he reported from what I can make out as soon as the stoats who were very nervous and jumpy already heard the shrieks and the yells and the uproar inside the hall some of them threw down their rifles and fled the others stood fast for a bit but when the weasels came rushing out upon them they thought they were betrayed and the stoats grappled with the weasels and the weasels fought to get away and they wrestled and wriggled and punched each other and rolled over and over till most of them rolled into the river they've all disappeared by now one way or another and I've got their rifles so that's all right excellent and deserving animal said the badger his mouth full of chicken and trifle there's just one more thing I want you to do Mowl before you sit down to your supper along of us and I wouldn't trouble you I know I can trust you to see a thing done and I wish I could say the same of everyone I know I'd send the rat if he wasn't a poet I want you to take those fellows on the floor there upstairs with you and have some of the bedrooms cleaned out and tidied up and made really comfortable see that they sweep under the beds and put clean sheets and pillowcases on and turned down one corner of the bed clothes just as you know it ought to be done and have a can of hot water and clean towels and fresh cakes of soap put in each room then you can give them a lick in a piece if it's any satisfaction to you and put them out by the back door and we shan't see any more of them I fancy then come back along and have some of this cold tongue it's first rate I'm very pleased with you Mowl the good-natured Mowl picked up a stick formed his prisoners in a line on the floor gave them the order quick march and led his squad off to the upper room after a time he appeared again smiling and said that every room was ready and was as clean as a new pin and I didn't have to lick him either he added I thought on the whole they had had enough licking for one night and the weasels when I put the point to them quite agree with me and said they wouldn't think of trouble in me they were very penitent and said they were extremely sorry for what they had done but it was all the fault of the chief weasel and the stoats and if ever they could do anything for us at any time to make up we'd only got to mention it so I gave him a roller-piece and let him out at the back and off they ran as hard as they could then the Mowl pulled up his chair to the table and pitched into the cold tongue and towed like the gentleman he was put all his jealousy from him and said heartily thank you kindly dear male for all your pains and troubles tonight especially for your cleverness this morning the badger was pleased with that and said there is spoke my brave toad so they finished their supper in great joy and contentment and presently retired to rest between clean sheets safe in toads ancestral home one back by matchless dinner consummate strategy and a proper handling of sticks the following morning toad who had overslept himself as usual came down to breakfast disgracefully late and found on the table a certain quantity of eggshells some fragments of cold and leathery toast a coffee pot three fourths empty and really very little else which did not tend to improve his temper he was his own house through the french windows of the breakfast room he could see the mole and the water rat sitting in wicker chairs out on the lawn evidently telling each other stories roaring with laughter and kicking their short legs up in the air the badger who was in an armchair and deep in the morning paper many looked up and nodded when toad entered the room but toad knew his man so he sat down and made the best breakfast he could merely observing to himself that he would get square with the others sooner or later when he had nearly finished the badger looked up and remarked rather shortly I'm sorry toad but I'm afraid there's a heavy morning's work in front of you you see we really ought to have a banquet at once to celebrate this affair it's expected of you in fact it's the rule oh all right said toad readily anything to oblige why on earth you should want to have a banquet in the morning I can't understand but you know I do not live to please myself but merely to find out what my friends want and then try to arrange it for them you dear old badger don't pretend to be stupider than you really are replied the badger crossly and don't chuckle and splutter in your coffee while you're talking it's not manners what I mean is the banquet will be at night of course but the invitations will have to be written and got off at once and you've got to write them now sit down at the table there's stacks of letter paper on it with toad hall at the top in blue and gold and write invitations to all our friends and if you stick at it we shall get them out by luncheon and I'll bear a hard too and take my share of the burden I'll order the banquet what cried the toad dismayed me stopping doors and write a lot of rotten letters on a jolly morning like this when I want to go around my property and set everything and everybody writes and swagger about and enjoy myself certainly not I'll be, I'll see you stop a minute though why of course dear badger what is my pleasure or inconvenience compared with that of others you wish it done and it shall be done go badger order the banquet order what you like then join our young friends outside in their innocent mirth oblivious of me and my care and toils I sacrifice this fair morning on the altar of duty and friendship the badger looked at him suspiciously but toad's frank open countenance made it difficult to suggest any unworthy motive in this change of attitude he quitted the room accordingly in the direction of the kitchen and as soon as the door had closed behind him the toad hurried to the writing table he would write the invitations and he would take care to mention the leading part he had taken in the fight and how he had laid the chief weasel flat and he would hint at his adventures and what a career of triumph he had to tell about and on the flyleaf he would give a sort of program of entertainment for the evening something like this as he sketched it out in his head speech by toad there will be other speeches by toad during the evening address by toad synopsis our prison system the waterways of old england horse dealing and how to deal property its rights and its duties back to the land a typical english squire song by toad composed by himself are the compositions by toad will be sung in the course of the evening by the composer the idea pleased him mightily and he worked very hard and got all the letters finished by noon at which hour it was reported to him that there was a small and rather bedraggled weasel at the door inquiring timidly whether he could be of any service to the gentleman toad swaggered out and found it was one of the prisoners of the previous evening very respectful and anxious to please he patted him on the head shoved the bundle of invitations into his poor and told to cut along quick and deliver them as fast as he could and if he liked to come back again in the evening perhaps there might be a shilling for him or again perhaps there might not and the poor weasel seemed really quite grateful and hurried off eagerly to do his mission when the other animals came back to luncheon very boisterous and breezy after a morning on the river the mole whose conscience had been pricking him looked doubtfully at toad expecting to find him sulky or depressed instead he was so upish and inflated that the mole began to suspect something while the rats and the badger exchanged significant glances as soon as the meal was over toad thrust his paws deep into his trouser pockets remarked casually well look after yourselves you fellows ask for anything you want and was swaggering off in the direction of the garden where he wanted to think out an idea or two for his coming speeches when the rat caught him by the arm toad rather suspected what he was after and did his best to get away but when the badger took him firmly by the other arm he began to see that the game was up the two animals conducted him between them into the small smoking room that opened out of the entry hall shut the door and put him into a chair then they both stood in front of him while toad sat silent and regarded them with much suspicion and ill humour now look here toad said the rat it's about this banquet I am to have to speak to you look at this but we want you to understand clearly once and for all that there are going to be no speeches and no songs Troy to grasp the fact on this occasion we're not arguing with you we're just telling you toad saw that he was trapped they understood him they saw through him they had got ahead of him and his pleasant dream was shattered meant I seeing them just one little song he pleaded piteously no, not one little song replied the rat firmly though his heart bled as he noticed the trembling lip of the poor disappointed toad that's no good toad you know well that your songs are all conceit and boasting and vanity and speeches are all self praise and well and gross exaggeration and gas put in the badger in his common way it's for your own good toad went on the rat you know you must learn to turn over a new leaf sooner or later and now seems a splendid time to begin a sort of turning point in your career please don't think that saying now this doesn't hurt me more than it hurts you toad remained a long while plunged in thought at last he raised his head and the traces of strong emotion were visible on his features you have conquered my friends you said in broken accents it was to be sure but a small thing that I asked merely leave to blossom and expand for yet one more evening to let myself go and hear the two multuous applause that always seems to me somehow to bring out my best qualities however you are right I know and I am wrong henceforth I will be a very different toad my friends you will never have occasion to blush for me again but oh dear oh dear this is a hard world and pressing his handkerchief to his face he left the room with faltering footsteps badger said the rat I feel like a brute I wonder what you feel like oh I know I know said the badger gloomily but the thing had to be done this good fellow has got to live here and hold his own and be respected would you have him be a common laugh in stock mocked and cheered at by stoats and weasels of course not said the rat and talking of weasels it's lucky we came upon that little weasel just as he was setting out with toad's invitations I suspected something from what you told me and had a good look at one or two they were simply disgraceful I confiscated the lot and good mole sitting now in the blue boudoir filling out plain simple invitation cards at last the hour for the banquet began to draw near and toad who on leaving the others had retired to his bedroom was sitting there melancholy and thoughtful his brow resting on his paw he pondered long and deeply gradually his countenance cleared began to smile long slow smiles then he took to giggling in a shy self-conscious manner at last he got up locked the door drew the curtains across the windows collected all the chairs in the room arranged them in a semi-circle and took up his position in front of them swelling visibly then he bowed coughed twice letting himself go without lift voice he sang to the enraptured audience that his imagination so clearly saw toad's last little song the toad came home there was panic in the parlor and howling in the hall there was crying in the cowshed and shrieking in the stall when the toad came home when the toad came home there was smashing in the windows and crashing in the door there was chipping of weasels that fainted on the floor when the toad came home bango the drums the trumpeters are tooting the soldiers are saluting and the cannon they are shooting and the motor cars are hooting as the hero comes shout hooray and let each one of the crowd try and shout it very loud in honour of an animal of whom we're justly proud for it's toad's great day he sang this very loud with great unction and expression and when he had done he sang it all over again then he heaved a deep sigh a long long long sigh then he dipped his hairbrush in the water jug parted his hair in the middle and plastered it down very straight and sleek on either side of his face and unlocking the door quietly down the stairs to greet his guests who he knew must be assembling in the drawing room all the animals cheered when he entered and crowded round to congratulate him and say nice things about his courage and his cleverness and his fighting qualities but toad only smiled faintly and murmured not at all or sometimes for a change on the contrary he was standing at the hearth rug describing to an admiring circle of friends exactly how he would manage things had he been there came forward with a shout threw his arms round toad's neck and tried to take him round the room in a triumphal progress but toad in a mild way was rather snubby to him remarking gently as he disengaged himself ah bad job was the mastermind and the mail and the water at bore the brunt of the fighting I merely served in the ranks and did little or nothing the animals were evidently puzzled and taken aback by this unexpected attitude of his and the toad felt as he moved from one guest to the other making his modest responses that he was an object of absorbing interest to everyone the badger had ordered everything of the best and the banquet was a great success there was much talking and laughter and chaff among the animals but through it all toad who of course was in the chair looked down his nose and murmured pleasant nothings to the animals on either side of him at intervals he stole a glance at the badger and the rat and always when he looked they were staring at each other with their mouths open and this gave him the greatest satisfaction some of the younger and livelier animals as the evening wore on got whispering to each other that things were not so amusing as they used to be in the good old days and there were some knockings on the table and cries of toad, speech, speech from toad, song Mr. Toad, song but toad only shook his head gently raised one paw in mild protest and by pressing delicacies on his guests by topical small talk and by earnest inquiries about members of their families not yet old enough to appear at social functions managed to convey to them that this dinner was being run on strictly conventional lines he was indeed an altered toad after this climax the four animals continued to lead their lives so rudely broken in upon by civil war in great joy and excitement undisturbed by further risings or invasions Toad, after due consultation with his friends, selected a handsome gold chain and locket set with pearls which he distributed to the jailer's daughter with a letter that even the Badger admitted to be modest, grateful and appreciative and the engine driver in his turn was properly thanked and compensated for all his pains and trouble under severe compulsion from the Badger even the barge woman was, with some trouble, sought out and the value of her horse discreetly made good to her though Toad kicked terribly at this holding himself to be an instrument of fate sent to punish fat women with mottled arms who couldn't tell a real gentleman when they saw one the amount involved, it was true was not very burdensome the gypsy's valuation being admitted by local assessors to be approximately correct sometimes in the course of long summer evenings the friends would take a stroll together in the wild wood now successfully tamed so far as they were concerned and it was pleasing to see how respectfully they were greeted by the inhabitants and how the mother weasels would bring ones to the mounds of their holes and say, pointing look baby, there goes the great Mr. Toad and that's the gallant waterer a terrible fighter walking along with him and yonder comes the famous Mr. Mole of whom you have so often heard your father tell but when the infants were fractious and quite beyond control they would quiet them by telling them how they did not hush them and did not fret them the terrible grey badger would come and get them this was base liable on badger who though he cared very little about society was rather fond of children but it never failed to have its full effect end of The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graham