 Hey, hey, thank you so much for joining me on another episode of talks with Tony got an email here today From a young lady and it says hello, Tony I'm nervous about what to do about my husband's habit of chasing a non-existent Get rich quick opportunity He quit his job to be a part of a new venture that sent us in a financial crisis He talks to me like I can't make sense of what he's doing He didn't consult me before he made his move and I know why He didn't want to hear me say I don't think it's a good idea to go full-time in a project I knew that this project had the potential to allow him to make money, but it would take time I love him dearly and I feel he thinks I don't support him when really I'm a realist I managed to raise children that have graduated from college. So I know how to make short money stretch He drinks and smokes daily Multiple times a day and he knows how I feel about it because it changes him drinks and smokes daily multiple times a day now He's hiding his drinking as if I can't tell I'm reading books to be a better wife and following you to find the help We need I'm exhausted and I love who he is Within but the external influences are hurting me and growing weary He keeps saying he's going to be better, but doesn't claim he has a drinking problem Overall our marriage has had so many ups and downs Horrible things have happened lies. He lies when he doesn't have to Help I want to be a good wife, but it's hard to submit to the dysfunction By the way, I struggle with depression and anxiety and I'm continuing to work on my mental health I've made some amazing progress and I am gainfully employed and in school I'm sorry. I'm all over the place because I want to help my husband overcome challenges that he places on himself help well, hey, thank you so much for Trusting me for for writing me. I can't say to the depression and anxiety That's something that I can't really speak to, you know, I really recommend Because you're gainfully employed to see if when you get insurance if you can go get therapy You definitely have to do that Another big issue in here is it sounds like he may have some sort of addiction or Maybe he doesn't see it that way to be honest with you I know some functioning alcoholics, you know, men who don't go to Alcoholics anonymous but drink what entirely too much in my opinion and So a lot of men just feel like they can do it. I always tell Women and people in general men too that when you look at your Partner you have to evaluate their morals and their values You have to evaluate those things because Love is a moral act So in order to truly love The right way you have to have strong morals and values And if you don't have them if you're lacking too many of them, your love will be out of whack If your morals are out of whack, your love will be out of whack. So a man who drinks and smokes daily Is an unstable man He's hurting He's lost. He's confused He's broken He's dying on the inside He quit his job to chase a get-rich Opportunity but he doesn't have the focus He doesn't have to wear with all the mental Capacity or mental ability to get rich if he's drinking and smoking as a crutch, it's crippling him and so It's crippling him and then he's using it to hold him up. It just doesn't work. So As you said my husband is chasing a fantasy not a dream And I know you got that from me because I talk about the difference between chasing a fantasy and chasing a dream you are working on yourself and Reading books and focus on your mental health. What this means. I don't see it here where you mentioned How long Y'all have been married. I Do see you say y'all have had many ups and downs Unfortunately what this could mean is that you could be getting ready to Come to the end of your marriage if y'all can't get some things change really quickly So what you have to do is you're gonna have to put your foot down You're gonna have to get on Google and you're gonna have to search Alcoholics anonymous near me You're gonna have to find the website the address and you have to tell him look I found this you have to sign up You got to go. I'm gonna support you. I'm gonna be your accountability partner They're probably gonna put you with one there But if you want to be married if you want us to stay together, this is a non-negotiable. You have to do this This is not, you know Negotiable you have to do this and so and you be the driver you drive him to the meeting you watch him walk in I used to work with you know clients, you know adult men who were Developmentally disabled they seem high function seemed normal, but just had something, you know going on And some of them were in alcoholics anonymous and they didn't drive anyways, but I would drive them there You know drive them off sit in the van see them walk in see them come out and That's what you're gonna have to do. You got to support him in that way, but you got to make sure he's getting the help and then You're gonna have to talk to him and tell him like look It's unacceptable for you not to have a job you have to have a job and this one thing I'm gonna tell y'all fellas and I'm gonna tell y'all men I mean not in y'all women Fellows listen to me listen to your woman Listen to her out my wife get on my nerves my wife gets on my nerves Should shoot down my dreams Shooting down my dreams. I I mean there's so many times I'm like baby. I want to do something You know, I want to do this I want to do this and she's like listen, baby It's not the time it is not the time the time will come this is not the time You know if I say I just started a company, you know Call black man golfing because not a lot of black man golf I don't golf and so I want to have a group of you know black man going to golf But before golfing we talked to one another we connect and we collaborate and then we play we get some lessons some golf lessons Then we golf That's something I want to do to kind of have some fun to kind of get out of the house to have some you know male companionship because I don't have that and I talked to her about it. She said hey, that's cool right over here in the corner is My golf my set of golf clubs that she bought me, you know for My birthday or our anniversary. She bought me a brand new set of golf clubs And so she supports that but then I may throw out an idea like hey, baby. I want to Get this office space, you know and get this big office space get five or six coaches start a coaching agency Also use the office space for trainings and all this I give her this big vision. She's like no, it's not the time It's not the time that office base gonna cost $5,000 a month. It's not the time because it sounds like it's a good idea. It's not and So many ideas maybe I want to start a food truck baby Look at that Piccadilly's that restaurant that shut down. I want to open up, you know Gas can restaurant again, you know, cuz I had one it failed in a year and You say hey, I told you and So fellas understand this your woman Is not against you if this is your wife and you trying to make money guess what she won't money too She won't money. She want to be able to be a stay-home stay-at-home mom She want to be able to drive her dream car living her dream house. She wants money. So if she's telling you that No, this is not the time listen to her hear her Listen to her Because she has a wisdom She doesn't want to divide the pot and have you dumping time money and Resources into something that she can see because she's on the outside looking in she can tell that It's not the time or that you don't need to quit your job So the reason why your husband quit his job is because his drinking and smoking addiction he quit his job because He wants the easy life he wants to drown his sorrows in his alcohol and his weed and That is weighing him down is tiring him out and he doesn't feel like waking up the next morning You know, he's tired. He wants to keep you know hanging out shooting the breeze watching TV and just smoking and drinking his Lifeaway you got to step in and you got to do an intervention and if he's unwilling to help himself You got to help yourself and you got to move on you got to let it go and ladies, I'm gonna tell y'all this stop Cradling and Coddling grown men We don't need it. We need See men will end up leaving a woman who is Babying him for a woman who holds him accountable. I'm with my wife because she's the first woman who had her stuff together and Made sure that I was gonna have my stuff together See, I had other women who want to hold me accountable I met other women who want to hold me accountable, but they didn't have their stuff together You know, they didn't take care of them their lives their body their image their hair You know, they didn't take care of their grind their business Or they focus on one thing, but not the whole picture when I met my wife. She was focused on the whole picture She was focused on the whole picture. She was working 40 hours a week. She was in school to be a doctor You know, she took care her hair her eyebrows her her skin She shaved her legs under her arms. You know got her nails done She bought new outfits when she got a check. She took care of herself inside and out. She worked out, you know fit She took care of herself inside and out So look if you live in it, then you can you got somewhere to say something to me But if you're not doing what you need to do if you're not taking care of yourself I don't want to hear what you're talking about No man wants to hear what you're talking about if you're not taking care of yourself so When I met my wife and she's holding me accountable and she wouldn't let me be a grown boy don't raise your voice at me Don't tell me you're gonna be home at midnight You know from the club No, you gonna be home at midnight and Then from your little meeting or you hanging out with your boys and then you come home Five o'clock the next morning. You ain't getting in here the door lock. You ain't coming in here Don't tell me you're gonna call me at 9 p.m. And then you call me 9 a.m. The next morning Ain't picking up the phone. You ain't gonna hear from me for the whole day and when I talk to you I'm gonna tell you that's unacceptable. So every little thing I tried to get away with she stopped it She shut it down so ladies stop Baby and men if it's something that a man is doing that you know is detrimental To his health or your health or the health of the relationship you have to put an immediate stop to it Stop telling yourself. I'm gonna let a man be a man. I'm gonna let a man be a man Oh, you got to let a man be a man the last episode I did the lady said her friends told her Oh, just deal with it. Let them do it. It could be worse. Guess what? Anything you let go is gonna get worse and fellas Young lady Who sent this in let your husband listen to this? Let your husband listen to this at this point Normally, I tell you don't mention me you get the knowledge you enact it on your own and leave my name out of it Because men don't like to receive from other men, but in the state that your man in My brother, let me talk to you. You let him listen to this You just play it out loud if you don't tell him to listen to he might not listen to it You just go up to him and say listen, I want you to hear this fast forward to this part You gotta let him hear all the rest of fast forward to this part my brother listen to me You got to get your life in order You drinking you smoking you quit your job That's not where you're supposed to be You have a real man inside of you and one thing about being a man and you know like I know You got to accept full responsibility for your life You got a dream and you got a vision, but nothing happens overnight Nothing happens overnight. You can go on my Instagram my Facebook. You can Google my name You know, they try to they've got a net worth up there. They're wrong worth more than that But you can Google me listen It took me 12 years to get where I'm at nothing happens overnight I had to work a job 40 hours a week and I balanced the dream and the job I Balanced the dream and the job For five years Before I was able to leave that job and to go full time and I only was able to leave the job to go full time Because I had an investor who gave me what my job was paying me He gave me that so that I could leave the job. I would have had to stay on that job Longer if I had not met that investor But when I met that investor who happened to be a friend from high school and he saw what I was doing He saw that I had went on Oprah that I had went on Tyra Banks that I had written two or three books at that time He saw that I had over 25,000 People on Twitter Supporting me on Twitter. He saw that I had done so much work on my own. He said man You're gonna boom you're gonna blow it's just a matter of time. Let me get down with you Let me be a part of this and so he threw some money in the pot and that helped me I blew through the money, but he came through boom. I got you. He'll go some more. He'll go some more if he would have said that first Pop that I gave you that first little bit I gave you when I blew through that if he would said you done I would have had to go back to work, but he kept supporting me and a lot of people don't understand that a lot of People just think you can just quit your job and get into this opportunity It's gonna take off. Nothing worked like that. Nothing worked like that. My brother a get back on the horse Get back on the horse get back in the race get your job back work. You got a wife to take care of Go get some help Go get some help a man should never have a crutch Unless you physically cripple Unless you physically crippled you should have no crutches Alcohol is a crutch You could drink socially You know a glass of wine A day good for your stomach. You go out on Friday night with your wife. You can have a cup of drinks You could drink socially, but you should not be dependent on the drink I heard a saying and say first you take the drink Then the drink takes you First you think you taking the drink then the drink taking you ruining your life Smoking I'm not with it So drinking I have me some wine having a little cocktail with my wife. It's social Never getting drunk never getting drunk smoking killing yourself You're doing it to get a high to get a buzz whether it's a cigarette Electronic cigarette or weed. It's a crutch. It's a crutch and it's slowly killing you your lungs getting blacker And you becoming more dependent as a man you need to be independent of all substances of all mind altering and chemical body altering Substances if you got a stem in your own two feet and you can't stem in your own two feet You got to go get help until you can my brother Get back in the game. Love yourself work on yourself Do what you got to do to save your marriage and to save your life Get your character in order when I got my character in order. That's when my life changed That's when I was able to earn millions of dollars in my business when I got my life in order If your character is in order, you're gonna be able to make any amount of money you want to make If your character is out of order No amount of money will buy character and no amount of money will solve your problems if your character is out of order Hey, that's my message to you to all my brothers out there Stay in the game except for responsibility for your life Do what you got to do as a man to the ladies you got a man in your life And he needs to hear this was your brother or your son fast forward to this part sit with him. Let him hear Work on your character my brother work on your inside as a man Set responsibility for your life love your life and live the best life you can live and it has nothing to do With the club with drinking with smoking Thank you for submitting your question if you have a question for me make sure you send it to inbox at Tony Gaskins calm Thank you to all of my patrons who supported me on patreon a it means the world to have your support because of you I'm able to deliver this content Consistently so go on my youtube check the link in the description Patreon.com forward slash Tony Gaskins. I really appreciate your support. Thank you so much. We'll talk soon