 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharp in his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Have you ever planned to spend a quiet New Year's Eve at home? That's what Phil is planning for this year. Whether he succeeds or not is... But more about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. At home or away, you'll have a world of entertainment at your fingertips when you own RCA Victor's smart new super personal radio. It's the handiest portable radio you can buy. No bigger than an average book, and it's so lightweight and compact you can take it anywhere with ease. And, tiny as it is, you'll find that with its room-sized volume and big radio tone, it's a match for much larger portables. But the advantages of RCA Victor's super personal portable radio don't end there. With new RCA balanced life batteries, it plays longer, up to ten times longer than previous small portable radios. And its new battery lifesaver switch can add even more playing hours by letting the batteries loaf in strong signal areas. Enjoy music and your favorite radio shows wherever you go. Select RCA Victor's tiny new super personal portable for yourself or as a gift. It comes in a choice of six stunning colors and it's priced at only $29.95 plus batteries, slightly higher in the far west and south. See and hear RCA Victor's long, long playing super personal portable radio at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Bill Harris. Bill has told Alice that he doesn't want to go out this New Year's Eve. Alice was a little disappointed, but rather than make an issue of it, she decided to have a party at home. Well, Willie, I called everybody and they all accepted my invitation. There'll be about 50 people at my New Year's Eve party. Sis, why make all that work for yourself? Why have a party? Why don't you just go out New Year's Eve? Well, I'd like to go to a nightclub and celebrate, but Phil doesn't want to. He just wants to stay at home. That's what comes from marrying a man so much older than yourself. That 20 years difference shows up at this stage of the game. There's not that much difference. He's only 10 years older than I am. Only 10? Well, how old is Philip? Well, Philip is 47 and I'm, you're right, there is 20 years difference. Philip has no right to hold you down like this. If he doesn't want to take you out, go out with somebody else. Like who? Call one of your old boyfriends like Rudy Valli, Donna Meachie, or Rod LaRocque. And look, Willie, don't say anything to Phil about the party. I'm not going to tell him about it until Wednesday morning. Oh, why not? Well, because I'm inviting some very nice people. And if Phil hears about the party, he'll invite all the boys in his band and they'll bring their, whatever those things our musicians bring to parties. Those are girls. And why are they all shaped like bottles? The way those fellas acted a party. Oh, Alice, you're just sensitive. Philips musicians won't do any harm at the party. In fact, if you keep them caged, they can be amusing. Well, I don't want them. I'm using my good silverware and bone china and I don't trust them. They don't break their hawk. I had those musicians over here last New Year's even. Oh, good morning, honey. Hey, I hear you're talking about musicians. Yes, you did. I was telling Willie about how they acted at our last New Year's Eve party. Yeah. Hey, weren't they cute? That was some New Year's Eve party. What a fortnight. Fortnight. You mean they stayed for two weeks? Certainly. It ain't good manners to eat and run. I say run, they couldn't even walk. Sure was a wonderful New Year's Eve party. We had a lot of, hey, Alice, I got an idea. Why don't we invite them? No. Never again. No, huh? Well, maybe just Elliot and the noble player. No. No, and I just forget about it and go read your morning mail. Okay. Well, I don't see why we can't have a few musicians over there. Hey, speaking of Elliot, look at this. He sent us an invitation. To what? To a New Year's Eve party at his house. Listen to this. You are cordially invited to the musician's annual New Year's Eve and sew up your own knife wounds party. The party will start at eight o'clock and will last till six New Year's morning. Those who wish are invited to stay for breakfast in the reading of the coroner's report. Hey, Alice, I know I didn't want to go out on New Year's Eve, but I can't resist this invitation. Well, I can. I planned on staying home to please you and we're not going out. Call Elliot and tell him we can't go. But honey, Elliot's my best friend. I can't tell him we don't want to go. Well, make up an excuse. Blame it on me. Tell him I'm sick. Tell him I have a streptococcus infection and the doctor gave me a couple of shots and told me not to go out of the house for a few days. Honey, I can't. Come in. Maybe I can tell him that. Hi, Curly. Hello, Alice. Oh, Elliot. I just stopped over to see if you got my invitation. Oh, it's going to be a great party. I got a pipeline from the Nicobaca brewery direct to my apartment. We're going to have a wonderful time. Look, Elliot, we can't go to your party. You can't go to my party? No. Why not? Am I too lowbrow for you people? It's not only that. I mean it. No, it's not that, Elliot. It's Alice. You see, she had a couple of shots and she's in no condition to go out. Can we put her under a cold shower and sober her up? Or we can send her to my doctor. He has a new three-day cure. I don't mean that. The doctor gave her a couple of shots for her streptocococcus. It's a Greek disease. Gee, Alice, I'm sorry you're sick. So am I. That means I won't be able to go to your party. Alice, you've got to come. It's going to be a wonderful affair. We'll have about 200 people. There'll be all kinds of food and drinks, and I counted on your coming. I don't know what I'll do if you don't show up. All that sweet of you, Elliot, but I just can't go. Well, if you can't, you can't. I'll just have to get somebody else to wash the dishes. Elliot, I'm sick, and I can't go to your party. Yeah, I understand, Alice, but don't worry. You just go to bed and forget everything. Curly will tell you all about the party when he gets home. If he gets home. Look, Elliot, if Alice can't go, I can't go. You don't expect me to go to your party alone, do you? Of course not. I'll get you that red-headed manicures that Joe's bought for me. Elliot, would you please stop that? You think you can get her? I can stop in for a shave around six o'clock. Oh, yeah, my sick wife. I'm sorry, Elliot, I can't go. Look, Alice, maybe by New Year's Eve you'll feel better. Oh, no. No, I'm sure it'll be much worse New Year's Eve. In fact, it's getting worse now. I'd better go upstairs and lie down. Maybe next year, Elliot, if I'm still around. Oh, those pain. Gee, Curly. I didn't realize she was so sick. Poor kid. You must be terribly worried. Elliot, who's coming to your party? The same gang? Too bad I ain't gonna be there. You know what, the party ain't gonna be the same without me because I'm always cracking jokes and I sing for the gang. I bet you're gonna miss that. Oh, something fierce. Maybe I can sneak over New Year's Eve and just do a song. No, no, no, don't put yourself out. I'll tell you what, you sing to me now and I'll remember it New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve is three days off. It'll haunt me that long. Go ahead. Chew by, pretty lady. Won't you try something new? Peanuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple. Won't you buy from me? Peanuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple. Won't you buy? Chew by, chew by, won't you buy from me? Peanuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple. Won't you buy from me? Peanuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple. Won't you buy? You buy, you buy, you buy, won't you buy from me? Won't you buy, pretty lady? Won't you try something new? Won't you buy, my pretty lady? They're all imported from the tropics, just especially for you. There's a little fella always in the park selling nuts and candy, happy as a lot. Chirpy as a cricket, as he strolls along. Everybody loves him and his funny song. Nuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple, won't you buy from me? Peanuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple, won't you buy, you buy, you buy, won't you buy from me? Won't you buy, pretty lady? Won't you try something new? Won't you buy, my pretty lady? They're all imported from the tropics, just especially for you. Peanuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple, won't you buy from me? Peanuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple, won't you buy, you buy, you buy, won't you buy from me? Won't you buy, my pretty lady? Honey, won't you try something new? Won't you buy, pretty lady? They're all imported from the tropics, just especially for you. Won't you buy, you buy, you buy, you buy, you buy, you buy, you buy, you buy, you buy, you buy, you buy, you buy, that was glory. By the way, Curly, I'll need a few things for my party. May I borrow them? Oh, sure. What do you need? Oh, just a couple of little things. I'll need some salt shakers, napkin rings, napkins, table claws, candles, noisemakers, funny hats, cigars, cigarettes, flowers, food, liquor, and a full set of dishes for 200 people. Why don't you take my kids, too? Don't be sarcastic. I just want a few things. Oh, before I forget, I'll need some glasses to serve the champagne in. Why do you need our glasses? If there's one thing you have more of than anybody else had something to drink out of, why don't you use your own? I'd like to, but I can't. Why not? My lily cups haven't come back from the dry cleaners yet. They won't be back till Saturday. You should have sent them to a laundry. You get one day's service. I tried that, but they put too much starch in them. Got so the cups were stiffer than the guests. I'll let you have the glasses and the napkins and the table claws. How about the dishes? I don't know about that. All we have is bone china. We'll scrape the bones off. Tell me, all right. Just give me a big carton. I'll dump everything into it. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't dumping nothing. Take the napkins and that other stuff first and then come back for the china later. That's expensive stuff. I don't want nothing busted. All right, I'll make two trips. Now, wait a minute. I don't want Alice to see you carrying that stuff out of the house. I'd better check and make sure she's still upstairs. Excuse me, ma'am. Oh, Alice. Yes, Phil. Are you still sick? Is Elliott still here? Yes. I'm still sick. Good. Just stay that way a little longer. I don't understand some of the conversations that go on in this house. Oh, well, I better take this stuff and get going. I'll be back for the dishes later. I wonder if I ought to tell Phil about the New Year's Eve party I planned. No, I'd better not. I know he'll invite Elliott and all those musicians. Oh, dear, I hope that isn't Julius with the food I ordered for the party. If Phil sees it, it'll be a dead giveaway. Phil, who's at the door? It's our gabby neighbor, Mrs. Stort. I'll let her in. Well, if it is a- Hello, Mr. Harris. I didn't expect to find you home this time of day. Don't you ever work? It seems every time I come over, you're here. Well, I guess when a man's married to a rich woman, he doesn't have to worry about making a living. I heard your wife is loaded. Offhand, how much would you say she's worth? Well, I don't. Oh, you can tell me. I can keep a secret. I'm very close, Bob. Not a word passes my lips. You must have a hole in your side. Them words are coming out of my mouth. Oh, you say the funniest things. No wonder you're on the Jack Benny show. Look, I'm not off. You know, I love you on that show. But tell me, why did you change your name to Bob Crosby? I thought Phil Harris was much better than you. I know, but I wanted everybody to think I was Bing's brother. Oh, well, I never think so. You'd be surprised the publicity you get that way. Next year, I may become Liberace's brother. And a year after, if I can get a hold of that doctor in Copenhagen, I may become Hildegard's sister. And to the things I can become if I set my mind to it. You're a gabby one, aren't you? Now, look, I just came over to see your wife. Oh, hello, Mrs. Stewart. There you are, Mrs. Harris. Well, I'm glad you're here. I came over to tell you I'm having a New Jersey party, and I wondered if I could buy you something. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm sick, and I won't be able to come. Oh, nobody asked you to. I just came over to borrow something. I'd like to ask you to the party, but we're having mostly society people. You just wouldn't fit in with them, dearie. After all, you show people I'm very good at parties, except for entertaining. Of course, if you want to stop in single song or two, that'll be all right. But don't mingle with a guess. I'm sorry, Mrs. Stewart, but I can't come to your party. You see, I'm not well. In fact, I'm very sick. I'd better go upstairs and lie down right now. Goodbye. But Mrs. Harris, I... She's a strange creature, isn't she? Oh, well, I just came over to borrow something. Now, what was it again? Oh, yes, yes, I needed cream and sugar, said. Well, Mrs. Stewart, the only thing we've got is a sterling silver set. It was a wedding gift. Oh, that'll be good enough. Oh, I see it there on the sideboard. I'll help myself. Now, wait a minute. That's part of a complete silver service. It comes with knives and forks, and Alice don't like to break it up. Oh, well, I don't blame her. I'll just borrow the whole thing. Mrs. Stewart, please, we don't... Now, thank you, Mr. Harris. You're such a nice man. I can't understand why people are always saying nasty things about you. You're not half as bad as they say. Well, I'd better go along. I think you're a good neighbor. And if you ever want to borrow anything from me, just remember, happy, do you? I wonder how she'd sound with a mute. Someday I'm gonna hold a derby over her mouth and get that doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop. Has she gone, Phil? Yeah, she's gone, she's gone. She has a lot of nerve inviting me to her party just so I can sing. I don't have to sing in her house. If I want to sing, I can do it in my own house. And I think I will. Go ahead. Thumbelina, thumbelina, tiny little thing. Thumbelina dance, thumbelina sing. Well, thumbelina, what's the difference if you're very small when your heart is full of love? You're nine feet tall and feel tall, so very tall. So you're no bigger than my thumb, than my thumb, than my thumb, than my thumb, than my thumb, than my thumb. Sweet thumbelina, don't be glum. Don't be glum. Now, now, now, ah, ah, ah, come, come, come. Thumbelina dance, thumbelina sing. What's the difference if you're very small when your heart is full of love? Thumbelina, thumbelina, tiny little thing. Thumbelina dance, thumbelina sing. Oh, thumbelina, what's the difference if you're very small when your heart is full of love? You're nine feet. You want to know something, honey? I'm glad you got us out of going to Elliott's Party and Mrs. Storch. You know, it's going to be a lot more fun just the two of us sitting here singing at each other. Oh, Phil, Phil, there's something I ought to tell you. On New Year's Eve, I'll get it. You better not. Might be somebody else inviting us to a party. You'll only have to run back here and be sick again. I'll get it. I hope New Year's Eve won't be too dull with just Alice and me. I wonder if Alice had mind if I invited that redheaded manicure stove where the poor kid will probably be. Nah, better not. Hiya, Curly. Came back for the dishes. Where are they? I got to get them over to my house, then I got to go shopping, get the food for my party, then I got to start cooking it. Today? Sure. Party starts today at 8 o'clock tonight. But New Year's Eve ain't until Wednesday. Oh, I know. We've got to get warmed up. It takes three days to do that. Certainly. That way by New Year's Eve, we'll have a full head of steam. Where are the dishes? They're in them two cartons. Look, you take one and I'll take the other. OK. Hey, it's heavy. Yeah. All right, be careful with them now, will you? They're expensive dishes. Yeah. Hey, look, come on. We better sneak out in the kitchen door. Go out that kitchen way so Alice doesn't see us. OK, Curly. Hey, can you open the door? I got my arms full. I'm done. Julius. Don't come in, kid. I'm standing in the back of the door with my broken crockery. It's me. Julius, this is all your fault. Why is it my fault? I was standing behind the door with an arm full of crockery, just like Mr. Harris is doing now. I see. Just the way it happened, and you can see why it was your fault. I did it. Get another stack of dishes. Come back here. Yeah, that was our best, China. Elliot, this is your fault. If you hadn't acquired this stuff, this wouldn't have happened. I guess it is partly my fault, and I'm going to reimburse you the price of the dishes. How much they cost? $200. $200? Yes, and you're going to pay for them, and then I'll let you keep them. They're all yours. All right. All right, I'll pay you for them. How do you want to be paid? I'll give you my personal check, my IOU, or my promissory note. Now, there's a nice assortment of absolutely nothing. Will you please? My checks happen to be good. You've accepted a lot of them at your market, haven't you? Yeah, yeah, we have. Julius, are his checks good? Yeah. You roll them out. Why don't you beat it? Not till I deliver the groceries, Miss Fayord. All right, all right. Leave them here, and I'll pay you for them. How much are they? $300. What did she order? Mink hamburgers? No, party. What are you talking about? We ain't even having no party. Alice couldn't have ordered it for New Year's Eve. Curly, don't you see what happened? The groceries must be for me. Alice couldn't come to my party so she's treating me to all the food. That's what I said. You say it for me. That's sweeter her. She's a doll. Curly, this gives me a chance to repay my debt to her. How do you mean? Well, I owe her $200 for the dishes I broke, right? Right. So I'll pay her back by leaving her my $300 worth of groceries. Oh, now, wait a minute. That ain't fair. The dishes are only worth $200. What's all right? She can owe me $100. Oh, no, we don't want to be obligated. Tell you what, I'll throw in the refrigerator. OK, but the refrigerator's worth about $300. That means I owe you $200. Yeah. What can you give me? How much are those broken dishes worth again? $200. You keep them and we're even. It's a deal. Oh, I've got to stop coming to this house. That kind of talk could stunt me growth. Look, Julius, will you be quiet? Deliver all them groceries. I want to deliver to Mr. Lewis's apartment. Come on, Elliot, we better get these broken dishes out of here before Alice- Oh, Phil, Phil, something awful has happened. We've been robbed. Rob? Yes, a burglar stole my silverware, my crystal glasses, and the bone china. Now, wait a minute. Don't get excited, honey. Mrs. Stewart barred your silverware, and Elliot barred your glasses. Well, how about my bone china? That's the only thing the burglar stole. We tried to stop him, but he was a slippery little decant. He just flew down through them. Phil, that was my good china. I, I, Phil, what are those two piles of rubble on the floor? Where? Oh, that? Volcanic ash. Mount Wilson just erupted again. Get the news on that. Stop that nonsense. What is that on the floor? Oh, look, honey, I might as well tell you the truth. Elliot was barring your dishes and dropped them. But, Phil, I have guests coming. My silver is gone, my glasses are gone, and my dishes are broken into a million. Oh. Elliot, she fainted. Yeah. Well, I better go over to my apartment and get things ready for the party. Wait a minute. I'm going with you. You're going to leave Alice unconscious? You don't think I'm going to bring her to so she can beat my brains out, do you? Don't you think we ought to wait until she comes too so I can thank her for the food she got me? We ain't got no time. Just write a note and I'll pin it on her. Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. You can play any record, 45, 33 and 1 3rd, or 78 RPM, automatically on RCA Victor's new three-speed Victrola attachment. The center is the secret. Your 45 records fit perfectly on the large center spindle. Records change from the center, the modern 45 way. And this unique spindle slips off in a jiffy when you want to play your 33 and 1 3rd and 78 RPM records. So buy whatever records you like in the speeds and sizes you prefer and play them automatically through any AC radio, phonograph, or TV set on RCA Victor's new three-speed Victrola attachment. When you visit your dealers, listen to RCA Victor's new Glenn Miller album. It's music in the Miller manner. Eight wonderful hit tunes, including Intermezzo and Sleepy Lagoon. Ask for Glenn Miller concert, volume three at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. Folks, this is Phil again. As we celebrate this new year, this week millions of cars will crowd our streets and highways. And every car will lurk a grim menace who will turn pleasure into tragedy if he can. So obey all traffic regulations. Stay within lawful and common sense speed limits and refrain from drinking if you drive. Remember, traffic accidents have been piling up a total of more than 30,000 deaths and over a million injuries each year. And holidays always take a tragic toll of fatalities and injuries. So keep on the alert every instant, not only for yourself, but for the other guy. Drive as if your life depends on it, because it does. Thanks and happy new year, everyone. Happy new year, everybody. Included in this program transcribe was Lois Corbett. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. A while ago, you heard about the latest album in RCA Victor's great Glenn Miller concert series. Now, a word about the first two volumes. In volume one, RCA Victor brings you Glenn Miller in actual onstage performances of eight jazz hits, including St. Louis Blues and Tiger Rag. Volume two presents Glenn Miller's renditions of famous favorites like I Got Rhythm and My Buddy. And both albums are available in all three speeds. Visit your record dealers tomorrow. Ask for RCA Victor's Glenn Miller concert albums. Next tier theater guild on the air over NBC.