 Lux presents Hollywood. The Lux Radio Theatre brings you The Devil and Miss Jones starring Frank Morgan, Linda Darnell, and Gordon Oliver. Ladies and gentlemen, your guest producer, Mr. Brian Ahearn. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. An unnamed philosopher once made this simple observation. That when you look through your window, you see the crowds in the street, the world on parade. When you look in your mirror, you see only yourself. Both are made of glass, with this small difference, that one has a coating of silver added. And that difference can apply to human beings. Add enough silver to a man, he often ceases to consider others and sees no one but himself. And that is the premise of our play tonight, which takes place several years before the war. But I can assure you that all further moralizing stops at once, for this is no weighted drama of social significance. It is rather one of the screen's most entertaining comedies. The Devil and Miss Jones, presented through the courtesy of Frank Ross, producer of the Technicolor Spectacle, The Road. In the Devil's corner, with no intended prejudice, we have the irrepressible Frank Morgan, who will soon be seen in Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's The Great Morgan. As the angelic member of tonight's cast, we have the altogether lovely Linda Darnell. And as a gentleman who literally raises Hades, we present that up-and-coming screen star, Gordon Oliver. Together they bring you the story of a modern merchant prince who, in the early 1930s, walks in disguise among the common folk with the most uncommon consequences. I spoke earlier of looking out of the window versus looking in the mirror. Once the point of that parallel has been established, let me hasten to add that I have no objection to mirrors and their contribution to humanity. Certainly they have hoped to make women still more beautiful in many ways, and not the least of these, is showing them how luck's toilet soap can help them have lovelier complexions. And since a lovelier complexion often means romance and happiness, I'd say that consulting a mirror often is no more than good sense. And if you use luck's toilet soap, you'll find your mirror is the glass that cheers. Well, now on with our play, as the curtain rises on the first deck of The Devil and Miss Jones, starring Frank Morgan as JP Merrick, Linda Darnell as Mary, and Gordon Oliver as Joe. JP Merrick is one of the richest men in the world. Now this is nice work if you can get it, and JP has had it for 50 years. He is the controlling voice of 30 great corporations. His fingers wiggle in a hundred financial pies all over the country. But now one of those pies is turning slightly moldy. The morning paper carries the screaming headlines, richest man in world, hanged in effigy outside his own store on 38th Street. In Mr. Merrick's living room, his four financial advisors have come to give their advice. They're all great brains, but they are shaking in their boots. As Mr. Merrick enters, the quartet jumps nervously to his feet. Morning, JP. How are you, JP? Good morning, JP. Good morning. I suppose you gentlemen have seen the newspaper? Yes, we have, JP. Richest man in the world, hanged in effigy outside his own store on 38th Street. Picture on page six. I thought I sold everything below 38th Street years ago. Well, that store's right on 38th Street, JP, so we kept it. It's the Neely department store. Look at this picture. That dummy doesn't look like me. Maybe it's supposed to be one of you. I don't think so, sir. There's a sign on the dummy with your name on it. Where? Here, see? M-E-R-R. And that's all you can see. Those people there are in the way. Yeah. What are those things on my head? I believe they're supposed to be horns, JP. Horns? And that thing's the tail? What's been done about all this? Well, we had a talk with a manager at the department store. He fired the ringleader and half a dozen employees who participated in it. Is that all? Have you had this picture in large and everybody in it fired? An excellent suggestion, JP. Gentlemen, I pay you a great deal to take care of my interests and privacy. I want privacy. I haven't had my photograph in a newspaper in 25 years. No, this is temporary, JP. Our detective will tear it out the whole thing in no time. What detective? We have a man who's an expert. He's just outside, JP. If you care to speak to him, he'll show you this thing. It's a simple little disturbance that really has no significance. The Boston Tea Party was a little disturbance, too. I want to talk to this detective. Good day, gentlemen. Good day, JP. Good day. George, send that detective in here. This way, please, Mr. Higgins. This is Mr. Higgins, Mr. Merrick. All right, George. My breakfast. Yes, sir. Sit down, Mr. ... sit down. Yeah, well, thank you, sir. What did you say your name was? Higgins. Thomas Higgins, sir. Well, what progress have you made, Mr. Higgins? Well, I've gotten a job in the store, sir. Nobody in the whole store knows I'm a detective, except the personnel head. And he gave me a card. Here it is, sir. To whom it may concern. Thomas Higgins is employed in a confidential capacity and is accountable only to me. Signed Arthur W. Davis, personnel head. You see, sir, I'm a salesman in the children's shoe department. And that's the hotbed, that whole fifth floor. Your breakfast, Mr. Merrick. Would you have the Graham crackers individually, or shall I crumple them in the milk, sir? Individual. Yes, sir. No, no, no, no. You can crumple them for a change. Yes, sir. Tell me, Higgins, how soon could you find out who these employees are, the troublemakers? Well, not more than two or three weeks, sir. Why not two or three days? Well, I've got to worm my way into their confidence, sir. Become one of them. How do I know what they'll do in the next two or three weeks? I'm not going to hang from every lamppost in the city while you worm your way into their confidence? Is there anybody you suspect? Well, I haven't really started, sir. I thought I'd begin the day after tomorrow. What's that? My wife's having a baby in Philadelphia. That's where I live. I thought I'd go home tomorrow. Mr. Higgins, I don't think you ought to be separated from your wife while you're having a baby. I'll get someone else for this assignment. Well, that's very considerate of Mr. Merrick, but I... It's nothing at all. I'll just keep this card for the next hour. Good day. Well, I'm very grateful for your kindness, Mr. Merrick. Yeah, it is perfectly all right. You just go back to Poughkeepsie and forget all about it. Poughkeepsie? Oh, yes. Well, good day, sir. Baby, Mr. Merrick, sir, it's time for your pepsin. Dr. Schindler made it up into chewing gum. He thought you'd like to change. Yeah. Yes. Look at this picture, George. They've even got a tail on me. And they're on the dummy. And look at the faithful employees who are hanging me. Morons, sheep. No wonder you can convince them of anything. Oh, I'd like to hear one of those troublemakers talking. I'd show them. I'd tell them. I'd... George, why shouldn't I? Of course, I'll get a job in the store. Mr. Merrick. Why not? I'd like to see them operate. But think of your stomach, sir. Yes, I'll be one of them. Mix in with them. Let them talk to me. I'll play these idiots. I'll play them like a cat in a mouse. Really, Mr. Merrick? George, from now on, my name is Thomas Higgins. Good morning, sir, and what can I do for you? Oh, are you a section manager? I am, sir, section manager of the shoe department at your service, sir. Well, I'm working here. I'm the new salesman. Oh, you are? Well, let's see, you slipped. They gave you a slip, didn't they? Oh, yes, right here. So you're Higgins. Yes, sir. Or preferably, yes, Mr. Hooper. Hooper. Higgins have already had a report on you. In the intelligence test you took this morning, your rating was 66. That's one point over the lowest passing grade. 66? There must be some mistake. I answered all the questions. You might have answered some of them wrong, and that's possible, isn't it? Yes, it is, sir. We don't make mistakes, Higgins. Neely's is always right. This is the lowest intelligence rating in my department. I hope you have other qualities to compensate for it, for your own sake. Miss Jones. Did you call me, Mr. Hooper? You heard me, didn't you? Well, I'm sorry, sir. I was just going to wait on the customer. Never mind. Miss Jones, I'm assigning Higgins to slippers. Show him his duty. Welcome to the shoe department, Mr. Higgins. You come right along with me. Well, thank you. I'll have my eye on you, Higgins. Just remember that. You will, eh? Now, this will be your counter, Mr. Higgins. Bedroom, lounging, and house slippers. You know, this is really much the best job. No bending down for tri-ons, no running back and forth for different models. I wish I had this counter. You mean he doesn't think I'm good enough to sell shoes, is that it? Oh, no. Now, don't be silly. Well, you have to be much more clever selling slippers than you do shoes. Don't forget, people can always do without slippers. They have to be convinced. How could he tell I'm not as good a salesman as the next one? No, don't be so touchy. Look, you can sell shoes when you're really for lunch, and you show him then what a good salesman you are. Now, today, you'll lunch hours from 12 to 1. That's in 30 minutes. I'm not going to eat any lunch. You're not? No, I'm going to stay here selling slippers. I'm going to make a good impression. Why aren't you going to have lunch? Well, I'm not hungry. I never eat lunch anyway. Now, listen, don't try to kid me. There's only one reason why people don't eat, and I'm going to fix that right now. Here, you take this. What's that? That's 50 cents. Come on. Well, I don't want your money. Now, look, you take it, and no arguments. I'll see you after lunch, Mr. Higgins. Would you mind attending the business, please? I'm trying to buy some slippers. Listen, who do you think you're... Oh. Yes, madam, and what can I do for you, madam? It's time for your lunch. I'll take over your counter now. But I'm not hungry, really. Now, why do you argue so much? You go to lunch and hurry up about it. Well, I don't know where to go. I'll just go and sit in the park, I guess. Some people have an awful lot of pride, haven't they? Pride? Well, never mind. Did you sell anything yet? Here, let's see your book. Oh, one pair men's house slippers, $198. Well, that's fine. Did you have any trouble selling them? Oh, no, no, not at all. Oh, that's wonderful. You see, my feet started to hurt. I thought I'd... Well, I needed a pair anyway. Mr. Higgins, you sold them to yourself. Well, isn't that allowed? Well, of course, but... Oh, hey, look out. What's the matter? Don't look up. A shopper's coming. A what? A store shopper. They pretend they're customers, but they're really testing you. Now, be very careful how you act. Oh, may I help you, madam? That's all right. This gentleman will wait on me. Yes, ma'am. Go ahead. Yeah. What can I do for you, madam? Do you sell slippers here? Yes, ma'am. We do. These are slippers. That's what we call them, slippers. They don't look very good. Oh, but they are. I wear a pair of these myself. Woolly woollies. Keep your face nice and warm. Real sheep wool. Aren't they a little too warm for the summer? Well, we've never had any complaints from the sheep. Oh, no. I'll think about it. I hope you didn't mind my inconveniencing you without buying anything. Oh, of course not, madam. I'm only here to serve you. We serve everybody and anybody. Listen, are you chewing gum? Who, me? No, ma'am. I am a store shopper. Open your mouth. But, madam, I give you my word. Open your mouth. Very well, madam. Is he any gum? Close your mouth. Close your mouth. Yeah. You swallowed it. No, ma'am. I wasn't chewing any. Well, see that you don't in the future. And don't lean on the counter either. Yes, ma'am. Oh, nice work, pop. You didn't do bad at all. Thank you. Say, is swallowing gum bad for your stomach? I thought this day would never end. Oh, you mean we can go home now? As free as the birds until 8.20 a.m. tomorrow. Employees. Listen, employees. Here I am over here. Oh, it's Joe again. Gather around, everybody. All the employees of the Neely Store. Oh, Joe, don't. Please. Come on, everybody. Wow, who's that fellow? Oh, it's Joe. He used to work here. Now he gets thrown out of the store every afternoon. Joe, Joe, listen to me. Folks, I have a message for you. They fired some of us for asking for our rights. But we haven't given up. We're still at it. Atta boy, Joe. Stop this. Stop this at once. I'll call the detectives. Go on. Call the detectives, Mr. Hooper. Who cares? Don't be afraid, employees. Come to our meetings. If enough of us stick together, they won't be able to stop us. Nobody listen to him. Nobody listen to him. Detectives, get rid of this man. Get him out of here. I repeat, folks. Come to the meeting tonight. We've got to fight together. Where is he? Okay, buddy. Come on outside. Outside. Folks, they're throwing me out again, but they can't stop us. Come to the meeting. Leave him around a neck, Eddie. I got him. Don't be afraid. Right is on our side. Shut up, Joe. Shut up. They can't stop us. Go on. Go on. Get out of here. Come on. Don't forget. Come to the meeting. Oh, Joe. Why does he always do that? Come now. Clear the floor, please. Clear the floor. Is that Joe person, a good friend of yours, Mrs. Jones? Joe? Oh, Joe's the greatest guy in the world. Employees, gallery of the loudspeakers, please. Who's that? That's Mr. Allison, the general manager. He talks to us every day over the public address system. Fellow employees, there was a disturbance on the fifth floor a moment ago. Nothing short of trespassing. A criminal offense. There are still some troublemakers employed in this store. We have not as yet ferreted out. But we shall. And if employees are found cooperating with these traders in our one big happy family, I can tell you now, they will not only be discharged, but blackboard from ever working in any department store in this city. Now, may I wish you all a very good evening. Good night, fellow employees. Why, the biggest. Tell me, Mr. Higgins, are you doing anything tonight? Me? Oh, no, not especially. You come with me. We're going to that meeting. Hey, Mary. Hello, honey. Glad you could make it all right. Joe, did they do anything to you at the store? Did they hurt you? No, I dared them to. Well, I was so afraid they'd do something to you. Hey, who's this? Oh, he started in the store this morning. Oh, welcome, brother. Hello. Mr. Higgins, this is Joe O'Brien. He's the one who hung up the dummy of J.P. Merrick. Oh, he is. Made the front page of the Times. That's all. Did you see it? Yes, I saw it. This is quite a pleasure, Mr. O'Brien. Likewise. Come on, we're just about to start the meeting. All right, everybody. I say that some of you are here for the first time. You'd probably like to know more about us. We're not professional agitators. I, myself, started six years ago when the Neely Department Store was a packing boy. Worked up to assistant section manager. Now, our quarrel is simple. We're given a small raise every year. Thanks. At the end of 10 or 15 years, when our salaries higher than the new employees, we're let out. Now, this is a regular practice of the store, mind you. It's probably good bookkeeping, but I think it's pretty unfair. Oh, Joe, may I interrupt, please? Sure, what's on your mind, Mary? Well, I'd like to show you a practical case of what we're fighting for, if I may. Certainly, Mary. Folks, this is Miss Jones of Children's Shoes. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, this gentleman sitting right here is Thomas Higgins. I'd like you to meet him. No, no, no, no, please. Mr. Higgins, tell me, how old are you? Well, I don't, uh, 55. Now, don't be nervous, Tom. Sorry. Ladies and gentlemen, he's 55. Look at him. He's bright, alert. He has all his faculties. Now, I'm going to tell you the rest of that picture. He came to work this morning in children's shoes without the few cents in his pocket he needed to buy lunch. And that is null. I gave him 50 cents. And you know what he did with it? He kept it because he needed even that 50 cents more than he needed food. Maybe for medicine, maybe for a place to sleep tonight. I don't know. I didn't ask him. I felt too ashamed for him. 55 years old and nothing to eat. But by what kind of fate he got a job today, I'll never know. But what's to become of him when they let him out? And he will be let out. He has been before, haven't you, Tom? Well, you see, I did not know that. There, of course. He's given everything he has. And yet, now, gray-haired, friendless, he faces another employer who will use him and then throw him aside for a younger man which leaves him insecure and homeless and with no one to turn to accept charity in the poor house. Is that right to you, ladies and gentlemen? What are we going to do? I know what we're going to do. And then they all stood up and shared for me. What do you think of that, George? Very interesting, Mr. Merrick. Now, if you just put your feet in this hot water, sir, I am sure they'll feel a little better. Oh, gosh, that's... Yes, those idiots making me one of them. I'll show them who hangs who. I'll hang every troublemaker in the place. Have you got those notes I telephone to you? Yes, sir. Here they are. One, intelligence tests out. May I ask why, sir? No, you may not. Yes, sir. Two, pay back 50 cents to Miss Jones. Three, do something about Section Manager. Yeah, and add another one. Store shoppers out. Yes, sir. Store shoppers out. You know, George, I didn't do so well selling things today. Really, sir? Well, it's just a matter of luck, that's all. Oh, yes, sir, yes, of course. But I'll fix that. What I want you to do is to find a little girl somewhere, bring her to the shoe department tomorrow at exactly 10 after 12. Well, well, sit down, sir. Is there anything I can do for you, sir? Mr. Merrick, I don't feel at all comfortable, sir. Sit down. Sit down. And what would you like today, sir? Well, I thought I'd buy some shoes for my little girl. Oh, shoes for the little girl, yes, sir. Hello there, little girl. Won't you be seated? Okay. Thank you, little girl. George, I want you to buy a dozen pair of shoes. A dozen? I think that's too many, sir. They'll get suspicious. Do you think so? Oh, yes, sir. Well, all right then, half a dozen. No less. Yes, sir. Half a dozen, yeah. And what size does the little girl wear? Well, I... One and a half I wear. One and a half. Well, thank you. I'll be right back. One and a half. Yes. Tom, Tom, Mr. Hooper's watching you. He is, eh? Good. Now, this is your chance, and don't be nervous, Tom. I'm not nervous. Well, what size do you want? I'll help you. One and a half. All right. Let's see. Here you are. Now, don't be nervous, Tom. Is this the hardest shoe to sell? What's the hardest shoe to get rid of in the whole stock? The hardest? Yes. Well, we've got some high tops right here that haven't moved for years. Oh, by the way, there's a 25-cent bonus for each pair you sell. Well, fine. Those are the ones I want. How many of these high tops have you got in stock? Let's see. Five. That's too bad. I can sell six. Well, I do wish you'd just try and sell the ordinary shoes, Tom. You're making trouble for yourself. Now, don't be silly. Just watch that all. Well, good luck, Tom. Yes. Now, little girl, here we are. Just slip your foot in, please. I don't like that shoe. Oh, come, come, come, come now. Put your foot in the shoe, Sally. I don't want to. I don't like it. Put your foot in. I don't like it. Get away from me, you big dope. George, where did you get this brat? She belongs to the upstairs maid, sir. If she doesn't stop yelling, there's going to be another upstairs maid. Stop yelling, dear. I won't. I don't like it. I don't care whether you like it or not. Here, here. Now, let's not argue, little girl. Let go of my foot. No, you wouldn't do that. No, please. Sally, dear, you mustn't kick the gentleman. Get your foot in there. Listen, get it in, you here. No, I won't. Did you hear me? No, wait. Listen, you little bitch. No, no, no. Mr. Higgins, you're not shooing a horse, you know. Mr. Hooper, this little brat. What? I mean, this little girl here. Quiet. I'll take care of this. Now, little lady, just look what I've got for you. A lollipop. Gimme. There you are. Now, sir, do you want these shoes? Yes. I'd like half a dozen pairs, please. Fine, fine. Mr. Higgins, there's someone at your slipper counter. I'll take care of this customer. But I've got those shoes sold. Someone at your slipper counter. Go on. Don't you lose confidence in yourself, Tom. You could have sold them just as well. Mr. Hooper only butted in because he wanted to get the bonus. I don't remember when I've disliked anyone as hardly as I do him. And I've disliked quite a few people in my time for their misfortune. Well, you just forget all about it now. I'm an elephant, Miss Jones, a veritable elephant. I never forget a good deed done me or an ill one. Well, you mustn't say anything to Mr. Hooper about it. He can tie the can to you, you know. What can? Well, tie the can to you. Get you fired. Now promise me you won't say anything to him. Promise. No, all right. I won't say anything. Tom, do you know what would be very clever? What? If you'd go over right now and thank him for helping you out. Thank him? Well, you want to keep this job, don't you? You're in no position to be independent. Now go on over. Go on. Very well. Be nice now. Oh, Mr. Hooper. Yes? Uh, Mr. Hooper. Well? I wanted to say about that sail. Oh, yes. You've got quite a way with children, Higgins. Well, I... They certainly take to you like a duck to water. Yes, well... Hot water. Well, I probably couldn't have handled it as well as you. As well as me. You couldn't handle it at all. I made that sail. Oh, I don't know. I have a hunch those shoes are coming back. My sails never come back. What is that, Saul? You, uh, you want to bet? Certainly. Certainly. How much? Oh, well, make it easy on yourself. How much can you afford? Well, I can manage to scrape a little something together. Would ten dollars be too much? Make it twenty. I'll be lucky if I get to ten. I'll say so. And if you want to bet any more, brother, I'll even give you odds. Our stars will return an act, too, of the devil and Miss Jones in just a moment. And now, have you heard what they're saying? Why, she's pretty. Skin like a movie star. Guess she's a luxe girl. Now, there's what I mean by a peaches and cream complexion. She must be a luxe girl. Yes, they're luxe girls. These girls who get lots of compliments, who attract admiring eyes. They're the girls with lovely, smooth, soft skin. Clever girls who've taken a tip from nine out of ten famous screen stars. I wouldn't dream of missing my daily active ladder facials with luxe toilet soap. They leave my skin feeling wonderfully soft and smooth. If you think your skin could be lovelier, why not try these daily beauty facial screen stars depend on? They're easy, and they're quick. You cover your face with lots of the luxe soap ladder. It's so creamy and rich. Then you rinse with warm water, flash on cold, and then you just pat your skin dry with a soft towel. Now, touch your skin. You'll like the way it feels. Regular luxe toilet soap facials do make skin lovelier. Recent tests proved that actually three out of four infections improved in a short time with this gentle daily care. The creamy, active ladder luxe toilet soap has does a thorough job, gives delicate skin the protection it needs. Why not get some of this fine white soap tomorrow? Remember, luxe toilet soap is Hollywood's own beauty soap. We pause now for station identification. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System. Act two of The Devil and Miss Jones, starring Frank Morgan as JP Merrick, Linda Darnell as Mary, and Gordon Oliver as Joe. It's almost a week since JP Merrick went to work as a shoe salesman in his own store. He's finding out a great many things, principally that selling shoes is hard on the feet. Once again, in his living room, he immerses those tired members in a pan of hot water. It's very interesting, George, my little experiment. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, sir. I watch the little ants scurrying around, and I know each and every one's going to get his just desserts. Oh, I'm sure they are. That Joe, Mary's fella. Bad, an evil influence on the girl. Kind of slangally, corrupting her whole viewpoint. I'm going to break that up tomorrow. Tomorrow? Tomorrow Sunday, sir. Well, that's right. They've invited me to go along on a sort of a picnic or something. Coney Island. A picnic? You, sir? Coney Island? Yeah, a beach picnic. I'm supposed to bring something. I said I'd bring a bottle of wine, but they don't think I will because I haven't the money. Well, get along with the wine cell, George. Yes, sir. Say, George, what's the best bottle in the whole place? I'd say the Romani Conti, 19-3. It's good, eh? Oh, right, sir. There were only 24 bottles in the world originally. You bought 12, and the royal family had the other 12. Well, that's it. You go down and get it. But take the label off the bottle. I don't want them to be suspicious. Label off the bottle? Yes, sir. Oh, Tom, you shouldn't have spent your money for wine. Really? Oh, well, you only live once. Ah-ha-ha. Here you are, Joe. Try that. Okay. Here's looking at you. Skull. Well, how is it? Oh, no. Well, you like it, don't you? Well, I'll tell you, Tom, it's not really bad. Oh, Tom, did you spend more than 50 cents for this wine? 50 cents? Well, certainly I... Oh, Tom, they saw you coming. Who saw me coming? You mean you don't like this wine? Say, I've got a good mind to return it and make them give you your money back. Yeah, the nerve of some people. Now, wait a minute. You're not giving this wine a fair chance. Here, I've got an idea. Pass your cup, Mary. Okay. Here, here. What are you doing with that wine? I'm going to mix it with 7-Up. Maybe it'll kill the taste. Oh. Here, Mary, try this. Listen, you, that wine is... How is it, Mary? Oh, no. It's awful. I guess you just can't save it, Tom. Oh, it's a shame, really. It's too bad we had to ruin the bottle of 7-Up, too. Well, pour it out, Tom. It might make you sick. Yeah. I am sick. Wine experts. Well, I'm going for a swim. How about it, Tom? No, no, no. Thanks. Now, don't show off and swim way out, Joe. Nobody will be watching you. Just you, honey. Don't forget to come back. Don't worry. Nothing will happen to him. Well, he's a pretty good swimmer. He's pretty good at everything. You couldn't be prejudiced. Maybe. Isn't it possible you're reading virtues into him that don't exist? Don't you like him? What makes you say that? Well, I was watching you in the bus coming down. I thought you were making faces at him. My feet were hurting me. But you're not really crazy about him, are you? No. Are you? Oh, sure. I think he's marvelous. I don't think you're any judge. Well, who's a better one? Any outsider. Me, for instance. Now, look around. There. There's a couple over there. They think they were made for each other. He's biting her ear. Now, she's biting his ear. Very touching. Well, I think so. They've found each other, haven't they? Out of this whole wide world, these two were lucky enough to come together. But don't you think that if she hadn't met him, there wouldn't be someone else biting her ear now? And don't you think he wouldn't be at some other girls' ear? No, maybe, but it doesn't prove anything. Look, scientists can write all the books they like about love being a trap of nature, but the only ones the scientists are going to convince are other scientists, not women in love. Oh, I don't say Joe's the greatest guy that ever lived, but what you see, I'm not the greatest girl in the world either. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if the greatest love affair in the whole world was between a funny-looking guy and a girl who's missing two front teeth. I mean, if they feel it, they feel it. Do you? Oh, well, not in the way you see in the movies or hear in those songs. You know, the touch of your hand, you set me on fire. I guess I'm not the combustible type. We get along just average, I guess, but, well, I don't know if I'd never see him again. Yes. Well, I never even thought of what it would be like not to see him anymore. I guess that's a test of it. If I thought I'd never see him again, I don't think I'd care if I lived or died. Hey, Mary. Hmm? Want another swim? Mm-mm. That's getting pretty late. Maybe we better wake Tom up and go home. Oh, let's let him sleep a little longer. He must be awfully tired. Say, have you watched what he's been eating? He acts like a guy that's just discovered his stomach. I didn't think a goat could put that stuff away. Oh, Joe, I feel sorry for him. Do you know he's never been married? So? So it's a shame. Oh, he must be very lonely. You know, if you haven't got someone that really carries for you, you're all alone. You're one person against the world unless you have someone. Then it's only half as hard. At least you're two against the world. So you both starve together instead of starving alone. Oh, now, Joe, don't let yourself get depressed. Oh, it's all over, Mary. We've lost. What do you mean we've lost? 400 names out of 2,500 employees. And how can you blame them? Black lists, door detectives? I don't see how we got the 400. We've got more time, Joe. Time? We've had a year already. Oh, it's no go, Mary. I know it. Let the poor suckers who are working at least keep their jobs. Joe, if you could only reach all of them. Yeah, if, if, sure. Mary, I want to talk to you. I meant to do it when I brought you home, but I guess now's as good a time as any. I can't get a job in New York, Mary. I can't see any more for a while. What do you mean? I can't take up your time any more. Is that what you call our relationship, taking up my time? Well, I haven't, I haven't got the right to take up your time, is what I'm trying to tell you. Well, I think you might ask my opinion about that. What are your plans, Joe? What do you want to do? Go out of town? I'll go with you. That's not such a terrible thing to ask. Oh, Mary, you... But I'd love to if you want me. Oh, oh, Joe, I wish you'd marry me just like it is. I'm not afraid. No, women are never afraid. How long do you think you'd be in love with me, living off your salary? I'd be ashamed of if you can't help it. Not to you, but it is to me. I can't be in love under those conditions. And I couldn't go away obligating you to wait for me. Well, that's very considerate of you, at least. Maybe I hope you'll wait for me. You're young and attractive. You've got a whole life ahead of you. Go out and meet people. Have a good time. Who knows, you might get interested in somebody wonderful. Yeah, that's just what someone was telling me recently. That's what nature does, let you get interested in other people. Well, well, then I don't promise to wait for you. If that'll make you happy, but you're nothing but a coward. What? Sure, for all your courage, you can't even face life. You're afraid to get married because you might not be able to get a job. That's not me I'm worrying about. I'm not gonna get locked up in a whole bedroom, watching you iron my shirts, and nobody's gonna make me. Oh, nobody's going to make you do anything. Go on, go out of town. Go any place you like. Oh, Mary, now you... Right now you can go on home. Unless you're afraid of the dark. You get off pretty soon, now, don't you, Tom? Yeah. Oh, yes, but maybe I'd better see that you get home all right. Oh, don't bother about me. Anyway, that was Joe's job. I'm sorry you had a fight. How did you know? Well, I wasn't asleep all the time. Oh. It's going to turn out all right. I've got a seven cents. You mean a sixth cent? No, I'm very unusual. I've got a sixth and a seventh. Oh, Tom, you really shouldn't drink. You know, it's not good for you. You can't get drunk on what I drank. Wine and seven up. Oh, Tom, you're swell. I like you. You do, eh? Well, that's fine. But I wonder if you'd like the real me. Now, don't tell me you've got hidden debts. Well, a man may not be everything he appears to be on the surface, you know. What do you mean? Nothing. Seventy-second street next. Seventy-second. Well, here's my stop. So long, Tom. So long. Look, may you be careful going down those steps. I will. See you in the store. Yeah, see you in the store. Getting off, getting off. Step lively, please. Take your time, son. Okay, Tom. Tom, you dropped something. Bye, Mary. Listen, you dropped some papers out of your pocket. They're here on the seat. What? Some papers, cards and things. What? Come on, step lively. I'll keep them for you, Tom. Keep what? The cards. Why? Come on, let's go. Let's go. Never mind. See you in the store. A concern. Thomas Higgins is employed in a confident... Confidential capacity. Is accountable only to me. Arthur W. Davis, personnel head. Neely's department. Confidential. Confidential capacity. Oh, is this you, Joe? This is Mary. Listen, Joe, I've got to see you. Yes, tonight. Right now it's very important. Joe, listen, we're in terrible trouble. Just terrible, Joe. In just a moment, Brian Ahearn and our stars will return with act three of The Devil and Miss Jones. And now it's Mrs. Abbott's kitchen. And here's Mrs. Abbott engaged in a rather messy job. There. I guess there's not a scratch of fat left in that roasting pan. Hand me that tin can, Sue. Will you, the one on the back of the stove? Honestly, Jean, do you have to carry saving fats that far? That grease is all burnt and black. Makes no difference. The fat is just as valuable. And now that we have less used fat left over from cooking, I've got to save all the harder. You take it seriously, don't you, Jean? I've noticed since I've been visiting you, how religiously you scrape every drop into that tin can. Sue, remember that old saying, the little more and how much it is? Well, if all the women would remember that, whenever they throw away a drop of used grease, the government wouldn't be so hard up for fats. Besides, from a selfish point of view, I get two red ration points for every pound I save. What are all these fats used for? Sue, there are literally thousands of uses. And with so much of our supply in the Far East still cut off, we Americans have to help make it up. Look, here's what our used fats help to make. Munitions, tons of them, medicines, all kinds, especially insulin, tannic acid, and misalpha drugs. You know they use those to treat shock, burns, and wounds. Then their synthetic rubber. And, Sue, think of all the needs for fats on the home front. Rubricants used in war plants. Plastics, paints, textiles, and soap. My goodness, I never realized how important this fat salvage thing really is. Oh, those are just a few uses for our used fats. Now you see why I save every single drop. Remember, for every pound of used fat you turn in, your grocer will give you four cents and two red ration points. More than ever, under the new rationing requirements, you need those extra points. More than ever, your government needs every drop of your used kitchen fats. So, won't you keep on remembering the little more and how much it is? And now, Brian Ahern returns to the microphone. After the play, we'll bring our stars to the footlights for their curtain calls. And now, here's the third act of The Devil and Miss Jones, starring Frank Morgan as Merrick, alias Tom Higgins, Linda Darnell as Mary, and Gordon Oliver as Joe. Mary has discovered that Thomas Higgins is a spy for the Neely department store. Her argument with Joe is forgotten now, and in her mind is a single thought of her friends. It's late at night when Joe arrives at her apartment. Well, what's it all about? Joe, do you remember that list of names? The 400 employees? Sure. Well, where is it? Have you got it? No, I gave it to Higgins. You gave it? Oh, when? Down at the beach. I had it there checking it off. When I went in for a swim, I stuck it under Higgins' toe. Oh, Joe. It's no matter you didn't get it from him tomorrow. Tomorrow's too late. Higgins is a spy for the store. Higgins is... you're crazy. I am not. Look at this card. Thomas Higgins is employed in a confidential capacity and is accountable only to me. Arthur W. Davis personnel head. Let me see that. There's no mistake. He's got all those names. Where does he live? I'll get that list back tonight. Oh, I don't know. He got off the bus at 72nd Street. Oh, that's no help. Listen, tomorrow you get him in the stock room. I'll get that list. How are you going to get in the store? Don't worry how I get in the store. You get him in the stock room. See, and I'll join you. I'll get that list if I have to hit him over the head. Well, good morning, Mr. Higgins. Good morning, Mr. Hooper. 10 o'clock. We're a little late this morning, aren't we? Oh, did you come late too? You are a little late this morning? Yes, I am. And why may I ask? Because I overslept. I was tired. My, that's a novel excuse. Well, it's true. Higgins, I don't like your tone of voice. Hooper, I don't like yours either. Who do you think you're talking to? Just another employee of the store, that's all. And a darn poor one of that. You know what's going to happen to you? You're going to be fired. I'm going to be fired? Yes. Let me tell you something. You're going to be fired. How do you like that? Oh, Mr. Hooper. Yes, what is it? These shoes came back this morning. What shoes? Five pair of high tops. Was your sale, wasn't it? Give me my $10, Hooper. Take those shoes to the desk. I'll attend to it later. Hey, where's my money? You owe me $10. You get back to your work. Crook. Man's a crook. Oh, Mr. Higgins. May I see you a minute? Oh, good morning, Mary. See, what were you yelling at me last night on the bus? Oh, it wasn't very important. Mr. Higgins, would you be kind enough to assist me in the stock room? Well, certainly. What's this Mr. Higgins business? Right over this way, please. It won't take very long. What happens now? Well, you see all these boxes? There are shoes in them. I figured that out the first day I got here. Yes. Well, there's been a lot of trouble in here lately. There should be a right shoe and a left shoe in each of these boxes. And, well, lately there's been a right shoe with a right shoe and there ought to be a left shoe with a left shoe. What's that again? Well, look, you just open every box and see that there's a right shoe and a left shoe in it. Every box? All of them? Yes. Now, you better start at the top of the ladder and work down. What are you going to do? Well, I'll just wait. What for? Well, till you finish. Well, here I go. I'll be down Saturday. Personally, I think this whole thing is a waste of time. Oh, no. I mean, well, after all, you can't sell people. Two left shoes, can you? See, what are you so jumpy about anyway? Jumpy? Who's jumpy me? Well, there's only two of us in here. No, there isn't. There's three now. Oh, Joe. Hello, Joe. All right, Higgins, let's have that list. What list? You know what list. That list of names I wanted. Oh, that list. Come on, hand it over. Do you want to come up here, or do I have to come down there? Now, listen, Higgins. I'm not going to stand for any funny business. Joe, not so loud. What's the matter with everyone? We know you, Higgins. You're a spy. Now, give me that list. Henry, you said he grabbed him. Come on. Okay, Joe, let's go. Take your hands off him. Get him around the neck, Eddie. I got him. Hold on. Let him alone. Cut it now. Are you going to come, peaceful? Yeah. What is all this? Stop it. Come on, come on. I got him. Listen, get away from this ladder. I told you. I'm not shaking. If you don't stop this, I'll go. Oh, Joe, stop. I got him. Stop. I can't hold on up here. I'm going to slip. Look out. Come on. Open your eyes. Oh, Tom. What happened? Oh, Tom. Tom, you all right? Sure, he's all right. Just drunk, that's all. He is not drunk. You knocked him off the ladder. Don't be silly. I leave it to you, Eddie. What do you say? Definitely pie-eyed. Everybody knows he's a heavy drinker. Listen, you can't get away with this. You're too weak. Come on, all of you. I'm going to speed it. Up you go, Pop. Oh. You must feel pretty good, Higgins. You'll probably get a raise after they fire all these poor people. You Benedict Arnold in children's shoes. I'll show you who's a Benedict Arnold in children's shoes you watch. I demand to be taken to the manager. Brother, you must be a mine reader because that's just where you're going. I've been drinking. And if you weren't such a fool, you could see that for yourself. Just a moment, Higgins. Who do you think you're talking to? I'm talking to you, Mr. Allison. Fine manager, you are. Can't you understand that dealing with people the way you do is the reason for this civil war around here? I've worked with these people. They have rights. Really? Yeah. And what would you suggest? I suggest that you get a different job if you can't get the confidence of your employees. You bumble-witted idiot. Oh, Tom. Tom, this is wonderful what you're doing, and you'll never regret it. Let them fire you. As long as there's a breath in my body, calling me names isn't a solution. I'd like nothing better than to get the confidence of my employees. But who can I talk to? Who represents enough of these people? Mr. Allison, would you consider four hundred enough? Yes, I would. There's our representative, Joe O'Brien. All right. Worry all four hundred names, Mr. O'Brien. Yeah, there's the catch. He wants the names. Well, you're not going to get... There you see. My hands are tied. Wait, this isn't a trick, is it? Do I look like I'm lying to you? Well, no, you don't. Mary, you can't give him those names. Listen, if there is a right way, Joe, this is it. We're not being fair to him. I mean, if we want him to trust us, we've got to trust him. Well, I'm against it. Well, I'm taking a big chance too, Joe, if this doesn't work out. Let me try. All right, honey. Go ahead. Tom, have you got that list of names? Yes, I have. Give it to Mr. Allison, please. Very well. Mr. Allison, it's going to be terrible if you fool these two young people. Let me have the list, please. Yeah, here you are. Thank you. You old fool. How dare you come into my office and talk to me like you did. I can outwit morons like you every day of the week and twice on Sundays, which is why I sit behind the desk while you stand in front of it. What are you going to do? I'm going to fire everybody whose name is on this list. Give me back that paper. Get away. I'll take care of this guy. Grab the list, Mary. Stop it. Stop it, I say. Milligan, Eddie. I've got the list, Joe. Paper. What? Chew it. Eat it. Eat the paper. Listen, I've got a weak stomach. Well, here, then, I'll help you. You eat this part and I'll eat the rest. Very well. Let's have my portion. Milligan, Eddie. Mary. Lock the door. I'm eating the paper. Lock the door. Don't let anybody in. It's all right, Joe. You can let him up now. Okay, Mr. Allison. Where's that list of names? I demand that you give them to me, Higgins. Where is it? I need it. What? I need it. Very well, Higgins. You're fired. Get out. I'll get out when I finish eating this paper, not before. Go. What are you going to do about it? You tell me the name of everybody on that list or I'll fire the entire fifth floor as a starter. What? Why, that's not fair. Many people on the fifth floor had nothing to do with this. You can't do that. Every name or out they all go, every one of them. Miss Colt. Yes, Mr. Allison. Make out discharge slip for everybody on the fifth floor. Yes, sir. Bring them to me and I'll sign them. Yes, sir. Well, now what do you think? That, Mr. Allison, was the lowest trick I ever heard of. Oh, Tom, Tom, don't argue with him. Joe, hand me that microphone. The one for the public address system. Get away from there. Give it to me, Tom. I'll speak to the fifth floor. I'll speak to the whole Neely department store. Hello, everybody. Listen. Give me that microphone. Sit down, you. Listen, everybody. No, stop it. Shut up. Come to the loudspeakers. Let go of me. Let go. You sit there and keep your mouth closed. Tell them, Mary. Mr. Merrick, sir. Yes, George. The gentleman here, sir. My brilliant advisors. As usual, their advice is a little late. Look at that crowd outside the house, George. You know what they're doing? I believe they're picketing you, sir. Yes. I never thought it would end this way. I don't think you've seen the worst, sir. They've got the dummy with them. You mean with the horns? And the tails, sir. Yeah. Well, send in the brain trust, George. Yes, sir. And then go outside in that crowd and ask for a young fellow by the name of Joel Bryan and a girl named Mary Jones. Bring them back here with you. In here, sir. In here, George. Very good, sir. Will you come in, please? Oh, thank you. Good evening, JP. Good evening, JP. How are you, JP? Bad business, JP. Good evening, gentlemen. I see you've got safely through the picket line. Oh, don't let this business excite you. No, no, no, no, certainly not. This is only temporary. We'll have it under control. And we're going to call the police at once. Oh, no, you're not. Nobody's going to call anybody. I've sent for the ring leaders. They'll be here any minute. You're going to meet them? Certainly. JP, this is the wrong method. If you do this, you'll be acting against our advice? I know. That's why I'm doing it. Mr. O'Brien and Miss Jones. Oh, come in, Joe. Come in, Mary. What is this? What are you doing here? Tom, we've been waiting for you outside. How did you arrange it? Well, it wasn't very difficult. Sit down, Mary. I want you to meet the gentleman who are the real managers of the store. We've been having a little talk. Listen, that Butler said Mr. Merrick wanted us. Yes, Mary. Well, everything in its turn. Shall we begin? That's right. Let's begin. Who's me? We're ready. Above all things, let's remain calm. You know, Mr. O'Brien, you're not in a very good bargaining position. Maybe not, but the store's closed. Well, we're going to open it. Here, now to stop that. We're going to remain calm. Yes, that's right. Let's not raise our voices. Mr. O'Brien, what is your main issue? That's not really much of a beef. Just a couple of people like Allison. They were moved out. I think everybody would be a lot better off. I suppose you would be a much better manager. I think so, yes. Good. Perhaps the gentleman will let you try. What's that? That's the first point you gentlemen will have to give in on. This is fantastic. Sit down. I protest against this. We think it is... Sit down! Mr. O'Brien, there are going to be a few changes made in the store. I'm sure that everything will be to your satisfaction and to the satisfaction of all faithful employees. I'm not going into details, but these gentlemen are really very agreeable when you know how to handle them. Right. Well, Tom, I can't believe it. You mean everything's settled? Everything, my dear. Oh, Tom. Tom, you're marvelous. Here, let me kiss you. Madam, have you gone mad? Let him alone. Listen, you. If she wants to kiss Higgins, what business is that of yours? Yes, what business is that of yours? I'll call the police. Wait, now listen. You come in the other room, sir. You let Higgins alone. Come along, Mr. Higgins. Listen! Come on, Higgins. Let go of Mr. Higgins. Listen to me. Let me alone. This way, Higgins. Come, Mr. Higgins. Stop pulling. Wait a minute, Joe. Stop, stop. If I haven't saved Walter and let me go. Come on, Higgins. Are you all right, Mr. Higgins? Well, what are you all talking about? Who's Merrick? Is everybody crazy around here? Well, evidently, you are, madam, if you don't know J.P. Merrick. What? Merrick. Listen, it's all very simple. Oh, you. You, Tom. You're really. I can explain just how it happened. You see. J.P. Merrick? Well, I. Catch her. Get some water. Call a doctor. Joe. Joe, listen to me. You understand? Don't you? It's very simple. You see, Joe, I. We don't. Joe! Get some more water. Quick! Do you feel better now? Oh, I guess so. Still a little shaky. Where's Joe? Well, he went outside to speak to the crowd. Oh, is everything still all right? You hear that? That ought to prove it to you. Oh. Oh, Mr. Merrick. It's just. Tom to my old friend. Okay. Tom. Come on. They want you outside. They're yelling for you. Yelling for who? Well, I told them Tom Higgins settled the whole thing. I thought it was better that way. They're going to pray down to Bryant Park, and they want you at the head. Yes, but I. Come on, come on. Oh, go with him, please, Tom. Well, very well. Let's go this way, Tom. Fellow employees. Here he is. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Mr. Higgins. Mr. Higgins, we're going to let you carry it in the parade. Carry what? Bring it over here, Eddie. What is it? Why do I have to carry it? Here you are, Mr. Higgins. It's the dummy at JP Merrick, and it's all yours. Well, thanks. Ladies and gentlemen. Couldn't we just remove the tail? Well, this entertaining hour, I'm sure we all join in the morning orchids to our three stars, Frank Morgan, Linda Darnell, and Gordon Oliver. Thank you, Brian. Well, Frank, as JP Merrick, I'm glad you finally gave those two delightful employees a break. Well, Brian, I have great sympathy for salespeople. You see, I started out on life's path bothering bristled blessings for the banishment of women's burdens. Doing what? Selling brushes. Door to door. Frank, you? Yeah. Well, how did you do? Do? I'll have you know, young man, I got two orders from the first house I cased. I mean, I called on. You said two orders from one house, Frank? Yes. One to get out, and the other to stay out. No, is that right? Oh, Frank, did you have that moustache when you were selling brushes, huh? Mustache. I was a walking billboard for the product. Tell us, Frank, did you have any special way of breaking down a housewife's sales resistance? Yes, of course. My technique was the Morgan method. I approached the subject with a full awareness of the psychological subtleties of female nature and applied the metaphysical corrective. Just what does that mean? I wedged my foot in the door. Frank, I've suddenly realized what the perfect career for you is. Selling snake oil at the county fair. I can see you now. Yeah, you should have seen me then. I mean, in the honorable pursuit of salesmanship, I drank a lot of... I sold a lot of excellent snake oil. I'll have you know I made enough money at it finally to buy my own snake. You know, Linda's been something of a salesman for the state of Texas. Yes, she was the official greeter for her hometown of Dallas during the Pan-American Exposition. That's right, Brian. That was just before I came to Hollywood. Yes, well, with those looks, Linda hardly needs to use the Morgan method. Oh, no. She's a wonderful ad for her home state with that lovely Texas coloring. Well, if you mean the complexion, Brian, it's half Texas and half Luxe toilet soap. I swear by both of them. You better watch out. You'll start a rush for Texas. Or a rush to the stores for Luxe toilet soap. But there's a matter of fact. It's because Luxe has so many friends that we can raise this curtain every Monday night. And next Monday night, we're going to reward our listeners with another entertaining treat, a brand new mystery thriller from Republic Studios, Gressley's Millions, starring Petto Brian, Lynn Barry, and Elizabeth Risdon. Here's your chance to help solve one of the screen's most baffling murders and to expose yourself to plenty of excitement and suspense too. Well, Brian, that sounds like a fascinating evening. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. And many thanks. Our sponsors, the makers of Luxe toilet soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night when the Luxe Radio Theatre presents Petto Brian, Lynn Barry, and Elizabeth Risdon in Gressley's Millions. For their cooperation in tonight's presentation, we wish to thank RKO Studios, producers of Murder My Sweet. Frank Morgan appeared through the courtesy of Maxwell House Coffee. Linda Darnell will soon appear in the 20th Century Fox 30th Anniversary production, Hangover Square. Gordon Oliver can currently be seen in the David O. Selznick production since you went away. Heard in tonight's play were Arthur Q. Bryan, Griff Barnett, Ferdinand Mounier, Howard McNear, Verna Felton, Ed Emerson, Eddie Marr, Boyd Davis, Norman Field, Charles Seal, Dora Singleton, Norman Nilsen, and Lois Corbett. Our music was directed by Lois Silvers. This program is broadcast to our fighting forces overseas through cooperation with the Armed Forces Radio Service. Our Lux Radio Theater production of The Devil and Miss Jones has come to you with the good wishes of the makers of Lux Toilet soap, the beauty care that nine out of ten Hollywood stars use to help keep their complexions beautifully clear and smooth, and as flawless as every woman wants her skin to be. Be part of the Coast to Coast audience that gathers each week to enjoy this hour of dramatic entertainment with the finest artists of Broadway and Hollywood. This is your announcer, John N. Kennedy, reminding you to tune in again next Monday night to hear Grizzlies Millions with Pat O'Brien.