 This is part five of a lecture 10 and this is the final part of a very long lecture. I can I hope you can still bear with me So by now you have a pretty good idea on how attraction works, right? When we like someone but liking someone and wanting to be in a relationship is of course only the beginning So the moment you experience this firework moment and you get together you feel this romantic connection together That's where it starts. Hopefully. Hopefully you will now, you know Develop a long-term relationship and that's what this part of the lecture is about So we're gonna talk about love and relationships and loving relationships So let's start with a sort of the million-dollar question What is love exactly and there's quite some theories on that and a very popular theory is the triangular theory of love and This triangular theory of love basically states that there's three different components that make up a loving relationship First of all, passion. That's something we already talked about when we talked about attraction, right? Passion is this very strong desire to be together Also along with physical arousal also with a desire to be sexually close to a person So of course, this is definitely what sets aside romantic relationships from friendships Of course, we don't we don't have this experience of passion when we were with our friends And if you do so then you might reconsider what you feel for your friends the second component is intimacy and Intimacy basically means that you have a very close connection with a person with a lot of reciprocal emotional supports So you both want to emotionally support each other and this component of intimacy is actually something that you can also feel For friends or for your family members. So you have this desire to be there for each other and then finally You have commitment and commitment is the decision to stay together on the long term and to really commit to each other and say Okay, so even in a year or even in five years I still want to be with you and these three components make up a love relationship But they love relationship can look very differently for a lot of people So and that is because these three different components can be combined in different ways So in the beginning phase of a relationship when you're still in this fireworks state You probably experience passionate love and if you have passionate love for someone you have this very intense desire to be together For example a couple that just fell in love and the components that make up this relationship is primarily passion But also starting intimacy. So he starts to become more also emotionally intimate with a person a Lovely state to be in also a very exhausting state to be in So it's I think it's good that it does doesn't last forever for a majority of the people because it's really intense to Experience passionate love for someone then after a while your relationship Goes through different phases and at the very end of your relationship You might experience something that is called companion at love and if you experience companion at love you feel a lot of feelings of tenderness and affection for a person and For example, this an older couple not so much passion anymore Passion component is a bit out of the door, but you have a lot of intimacy and a lot of commitment So you really want to stay together and you feel very emotionally close to each other So here you see basically the triangle Triangle of Sternberg of the triangular theory of love and you see that In a relationship you can experience and move through different phases Hopefully you will start at the left bottom Experiencing a lot of passion and infatuation Then you will move hopefully to romantic love Experiencing intimacy and passion and at the very end where we want to end up is in the middle And that's consummate love where you experience all three so you experience Intimacy passion and commitment. That's like the sweet spot of relationships. That's where we want to end up Well, we don't want to end up for sure is on the bottom right corner. That's the corner of empty love Sounds horrible, right? It's only commitment only the decision to stay together And you might think to yourself why why on earth? Would you be in a relationship with only commitments that you don't experience passion and you don't experience intimacy? You don't want to stay there, right and we shouldn't but still sometimes we do and The reason why we do so in order to explain this there's a new model I think a perfect model to explain and also Make us understand the dynamics the very complicated dynamics of human relationship So it's quite a complicated model. You see here. This is called the investment model of Carol Russell's and According to this investment models, there's basically three different factors that determine whether or not we are satisfied with the relationship That is the rewards we experience in the relationship the costs and also the comparison levels So what how you how you compare your relationship to what you expected from the relationship? So that determines how satisfied we are and for a long time researchers thoughts, you know satisfaction That's all there is to it We want to be satisfied in relationships and if we are if we are happy in a relationship Then we will stay with our partner, but Carol Russell's very nicely discovered. That's definitely not the full story There's two other components that determine our commitment to the relationship First of all our level of investments in the relationship So how much have you already invested in the relationships? Have you for example started the family together or you know bought a house together? These are huge investments and if you made these investments, you are more likely to commit You don't want to give up a relationship in which you invested so much And even before you know all these serious steps of starting a family and buying a house Even you know buying a pet together or having a lot of of mutual friends together or having a lot of Shared memories together. These are all also investments and relationships That you know have make you feel like I don't want to give up Up on this relationship that I already invested so much in And then finally the quality of the alternative student relationship and this is really crucial So the moment that we are in a relationship. We also compare This relationship with alternatives and that might be an alternative partner someone else But it might also be the alternative of being alone How what would your life look like if you are alone? Is that something that feels good for you? Is that something that you might strive for? Do you want to be single again? If that is the case You're probably not so committed to your relationship anymore Even when you really like your partner and you invested a lot if you have this high desire to be single again You might still end the relationship So these three different components the satisfaction level of investments and the quality of alternatives together They determine the commitment to the relationship And at the very end the stability of the relationship. So this is the key basically an understanding why some relationships fail And others and fail with fail. I mean, you know Fall apart and and why some relationships last So commitment is essential and commitment also helps us understand why sometimes people stay in relationships that are clearly bad for them Where where there's physical abuse or emotional? abuse Sometimes we don't have a choice and you might think to yourself why just go away just leave the house But maybe the alternative is even worse Maybe the alternative is that you end up in the streets alone with your three kids, for example So it helps us also to understand complicated mechanisms in relationships and that Deciding to leave a relationship can be either really hard Or really easy depending on the alternatives And also it helps us understand that the current times can be a real threat To relationships because there's alternatives everywhere Online dating made you know dating and being single very much very much more attractive To people in relationships than before So I also at this point in the lecture I want to stress and and and explain that there's more theories described in your book The social exchange theory for example and equity theory And they're all you know theories on how relationships work But I think they fail to explain the reality of relationships. They are basically too logical And that's not how relationships work. So for me the key model is the investment model of carol rosberg That's the best model to explain the complicated dynamics of relationships Okay, so I'm almost at the end of the lecture. It's been a ride. I know So in the book the book ends with breakup. So determinants of breakup and what a breakup does with you I don't want to end that way. I'm an optimist. So I want to talk about how you can improve your relationship So if you are in a relationship Pay attention because you might you know learn some some crucial tips here Um, the first thing is what you really want to do in a relationship is invest in intimacy So intimacy is one of the key components according to the triangular theory of love, right? So intimacy is experiencing this emotional connection to each other and that's so important You want to be emotionally close to a person? And what is key here is, you know, talk to each other also talk to each other about your vulnerabilities Open up about your dreams your hopes And uh, you have to do so and if you do so then you will have a better relationship And this is something that it has been shown in the following study Conducted by erin In which two strangers were invited into the lab They they never interacted before they didn't know each other and they were asked to talk to each other for 45 minutes pretty long time to talk to a stranger I can assure you And one group of the participants were told to talk about a subject of choice So they could talk about everything they wanted And the second group of participants were asked to talk about very intimate and personal things They were actually giving a list of 36 questions and these questions were Increasingly intimate. So they started off, you know, pretty mundane pretty superficial like what did you have for breakfast? And then they started to be more and more personal with questions like what is the relationship with your mother like? When is the last time you cried? What are your deepest fears? Questions like that must be pretty awkward right to talk about this with stranger you would think But afterwards these two people the participants rated how they felt about the person they just met and What this research showed convincingly Was that self disclosure talking about very intimate things with each other very personal things opening up to a person Leads to higher levels of attraction both physical attraction as well as liking so This is the first advice that I want to give to you be, you know be open to your partner and Share, you know things that are really personal and try to be vulnerable with your partner It's a bit scary sometimes but it will really pay off in in increasing your liking for each other and your level of intimacy in the relationship So there's so much more that I can say but I'll try to keep it short for the sake of you know your own time So some final pieces of advice first thing is do new and exciting things together So arousal still really plays a role in ongoing relationships as well And if you've been together for a long time for a couple of years You're not You oftentimes lose this this sense of arousal this butterfly feeling when you're with your partner But you can invest in it by doing new and exciting things together. So think about that also Make sure to share good news with each other Also oftentimes It's a pitfall in long-term relationships that we use our partner As sort of a trashcan for all the bad things that happen in our lives We start complaining to our partner about things that happens at the workplace for example And um, you know, that's all fine. You can rely on your partner for emotional support But make sure to also share good news and if your partner shares good news Respond constructively and actively to that news Um, also make sure that you feel like you give each other space to explore things yourself There's differences in people's desire for autonomy Some people really have this high need for autonomy and if this is the case make sure to You know respect that and and respect the boundaries that a person is having It's not a signal that this person is not into you anymore Sometimes people really need some time for themselves also And finally and this is a big finally It's also really important to deal very well with the difficult moments in your life So the moments that you have to sacrifice your own self-interest That you have a conflict and you feel like you really don't like your partner right now You want to say some very nasty things to your partner try not to do so Try to stay committed and respect the rules of your relationship For example, the rules on monogamy if you chose to have a monogamous relationship with your partner It's really important to respect that rule and don't you know be with Try to resist this urge to be with another person and um, some people are more successful in that domain than others And if you want to know more about that you can check out my video that I recorded a couple of years ago about my dissertation research So that's the research I did when I was a phd student on um, you know, what makes a good relationship partner And this is not mandatory For the exam to know so it's just for those of you that are interested to learn more about what How you can be a better relationship a partner So if you want to you want to you can check it out right now And this is then the end of the lecture Why does one go faster than the other? This is the university of netherland Princess Diana Jennifer Aniston Sandra Bullock umma thurman And also our own Anouk What do all these women have in common with each other? Of course, they are all famous women. They are all very very clever They are also successful, they are also strong, strong women, right? But they still have a community that I haven't mentioned yet and that's the fact that all their partners are going to go strange They are all dried up by their partner If I look at this drive, I wonder why you would go strange if you already have the main price Well, we're going to talk about that tonight. We're going to talk about strange and why some people do go strange and others don't And to give an answer to that, it is very important to look at relationships for the first time What do you need to have a good relationship and above all what do you need to keep a good relationship Probably know a lot from you that having a relationship is sometimes really not so easy There are unimaginable moments in your relationship that you have the difficulty You get a ruse, you get unimaginably a ruse with your partner, how nice you have it That's also very normal There are also irritations, maybe you always see the shoes lying in the hallway So when you get in, you always get a ruse over those shoes, terrible irritant And of course there can also be moments that you suddenly, unexpected, stand up to someone who is also very terrible And that you also like your partner and you love that person a lot That you think, wow, I feel something happening And some people, I think that a lot of people recognize this But people differ in the fact that they have done something here So people differ in the fact that they go into those feelings of attraction, of attractive others It is very important to realize that whether you are in a state to stand up again at that moment That is really crucial for the durability of your relationship Because at the moment, there is still the number one reason for differences in the Netherlands Is to go crazy Because most of the time, most of the time, people walk on the streets to go crazy So that is what is very important to have that capacity to stay true to your partner Just a moment to realize what happens when you stand up with someone who you think is very attractive What happens then? Probably at that moment you feel an attraction And that attraction is very normal We know that when you see someone we like They go to reward areas in our brain and become active They get an automatic reaction from our brain Hey, something we like happens here Even if you eat a piece of chocolate Those reward areas also become active in your brain At least if you like chocolate, normal people like chocolate So that happens in your brain That also happens when you look at beautiful people So when you see someone you like, those reward areas become active And if you also get a kind of reaction from that other person He or she also likes you Then you probably feel a strong impulse to go into that attraction But in the long run, of course, we all know that you don't have to do that Stop, alarm, don't do that Because you want to protect your relationship You want to be a good partner and you want to stay true So what do you need to stay true to your partner? That is impulse control You must always be in that first impulse That automatic feeling of attraction A bit to regulate the pressures And then to think, hey, I have a very nice partner I don't want to do anything with you So that was actually my hypothesis Before I started my research You need impulse control To lead me into your relationship I'm going to tell you everything How I looked at it But before I do that I can imagine that you're thinking How would it actually be with my impulse control? Well, good news We're going to test it now We're going to test it in two ways How it is with your impulse control We're going to start with a question I'm going to call you some questions First question Make fun and fun Make sure that I don't lose my job Who is one of them? Okay, I have a lot of hands Second question I want to have more self-discipline Okay, third question I'm lazy Very honest people in the language Thanks And finally I often say things that aren't appropriate Okay Look These are four different positions That are really coming from a question List of self-control And if you've put up a lot of your hands It means two things First You did very well Thank you Super, very nice We're doing well Second It means that you probably don't have So much self-control How... No good news After this result You think, oh yeah That's not nice But I have... There's still a chance Because you can also Self-control or impulse control You can also do it in a different way Not with questions Questions are, namely You can also make a lot of mistakes Because sometimes we don't have So much insight In our own level of self-control Maybe you think that you're lazy But in practice you're pretty lazy You don't think like that at all Or maybe otherwise And people are not always honest If they have to answer questions Because we do it We do it a little better than we are So now This really comes Now comes the task No chance to understand it In this task Are you going to see words In the screen And those words You all have a different color And the assignment is very simple Name the color of the ink So you see A word and a color appear Pretty easy And the question is Name the color of the ink Negate what it says Not important Just don't write it And name the color of the ink And I want to invite you all To do that hard We're going to execute this task Okay, here we go Right Okay, right For the people who know this task They knew at some point I'm going to get words To see what a color word is And then I have to read it So I started to doubt And with the last two words It was really very difficult But this is going to be difficult Because if you see a word For example In these last examples That I gave you If you see the word blue In red ink We have an automatic decision To read what it says Reading is for us Automated behavior Which is very nice In principle So to execute the task well Do you need impulse control You have to press impulse And if you have done it Not so well this day Yes Then there is a chance That you don't have so much impulse control Well How would that now Keep in touch with your Relation skills So make yourself a better Or worse partner Well, to study this I have invited men To participate in my research All these men had a relationship Relangable information What I did as a first step Is their level of impulse control Tested So they all executed a task Like the task That you just did With that color Then I asked those men To take place in a waiting room Namely because I had to Set up the next part of the research What they didn't know Was that the waiting room Was actually the next part Of the research They were in the waiting room And there were two things First A videocamera And second A very beautiful woman And that woman was A member of our experiment But those men didn't know Said this before As a different participant Who was also in the waiting room Said what they participated in The experiment We are of course going to look At the behaviour of those men Existing men To the views of that beautiful woman Specifically we wanted to know Will that man He can write Will he flirt With those beautiful women In the waiting room And unfortunately I can't show you the picture We wanted to show that Of course it was hilarious To look at all those flirtatious men But we do have a bit of respect For the privacy Of our participants Of the research So that can't There was also a lot of flirtatiousness For example one boy Came to the research Together with his friend His girlfriend was waiting Outside And in the waiting room He took the opportunity To ask the number Of our beautiful male worker And he said I can't talk to you today But tomorrow I have a lot of time So There was a lot of flirtatiousness Of course also all young men Your men are around 20 So they are still full Of the testosterone And the mating drift So in this sense Of the logical understanding Of these men Well What we saw And what we were especially Interested in Had the impulse control task Influenced On what had the corresponding value For the flirtatiousness And yes We thought that Men who had a lower level Of impulse control Bad performance So that he Flirted more with those beautiful women And it is very important To report This research was with men But of course I also did Another research Also with women And women are also not holy Women can also go strange And also women So they need the impulse control To stay true to their partner Maybe you ask yourself The impulse control It looks a bit like intelligence Is it Is it now intelligence Or is it something else It is not intelligence It is really something else There is little connection Between intelligence And impulse control And anecdotal evidence For this is that Albert Einstein That he was really brave To have very bad relationships He went strange On the run He had a valuable impulse And he also said regularly That he really had no idea How he could function His relationship well That was Probably the smartest Man who has ever lived So it is not intelligence Maybe it is a reassurance Or a disappointment I do not know that You can decide for yourself But you have to use your head For sure There has also been research Which shows that Your brain is certainly active At the moment That we are going to deal With other attractive people I have already mentioned That looking at beautiful people That stimulates the Abundance areas in your brain That happens automatically But if you have a relationship Something is happening If you look at a beautiful person Not only are the Abundance areas active But also the Control areas in your brain The areas in your brain That make you Make sure that you Can control your behavior That you see here Those are the pictures on the right That you see The control area of your brain And on the left Those are the Abundance areas in your brain And what is also interesting Is if you If those control areas Are activated Automatically The Abundance areas Are less active So if you have a relationship Then you feel less Abundance If you look at beautiful people If you have no relationship Super useful Super efficient Because then you have A very strong desire To go abroad And I will tell you Stronger This effect is much stronger For people who are also Very happy with their partner Because of course The quality of your relationship Does it do it Maybe now you think Okay, I have presented That question List because I Put my hand on it And I really couldn't With that color That doesn't work at all So I lost I just I will never succeed To have a good relationship Well that is Fortunately not completely true First First You can train in pulse control There have been a lot of research There are different ways Where you can be better In pulse control You can do that First By cognitive training So you can do training By doing those cognitive tasks Better Can perform And that leads to That you Are a better partner Second It is also very important To have faith in your own Level of pulse control And finally It is also a very good tip To go to a mindful way To go with instructions In your life This is research What I did together with Estepapis Among other things Food delivery Think about food delivery It's about relationships Where do you have it Food delivery and relationships Have a lot to do with each other Look at this brownie It looks pretty good Home I I'm with I'm pretty excited So I feel an impulse To go eat that brownie If I don't want to do that I'm on a line And I think I don't want to eat that brownie What should I do? If you go around In a mindful way With that brownie That means That you fully accept What you feel for that brownie And that you think How would that brownie taste And you really Visualize how it would be To eat that brownie In the beginning You think It's super delicious But at some point You will also Go through a process That you think At some point it's up And then I don't want to And then I don't want to Because then I feel really fat And I don't want to So That way Of going around With instructions Helps you To see That impulses Per definition Are temporary So a brownie Is now attractive But if I forgot Not at all So Accept That instructions Per definition Are temporary That money for food And that money For love So imagine You're standing Up With Well A very attractive hat Then Can you imagine If you George Clooney Comes across a live And says I want you What are you going to do Well Then you can think George is fun For now But I also think It's fun When we Really went into that I think That I Maybe then I don't like it And maybe At all Not worth That brings me To the conclusion Of My college Why Some people go Earlier than others That is really A matter of impulse control People in different ways Where they can control their impulses A good partner Are Trust your partner Is not just A matter of will But also of ability You also really Need a capacity Until impulse control Well Do you want to know more About love Look for other colleges About this theme