 Hey, hey Tony Gaskins here. Thank you so much for joining me on another episode of talks with Tony Got a question from a young lady and it says hello a quick question for you from a former hot mess I had daddy issues and suffered from low self-esteem slash self-worth as a result I made pitiful relationship decision. I had little to no standards and dated men who were no good for me I have five children by three different men I call myself a former hot mess because I have done the work to make myself a Better and healthier person in all aspects of my life. I earned two degrees and made over six figures last year. I Recently bought a large house. I'm an attractive woman and take care of myself physically Most people cannot believe I've given birth to five children Most importantly, I'm in therapy to address my issues I took a 12 month break from dating to focus on myself, which has been an amazing experience I learned a lot about myself and grew closer to God I've read books watch videos and listen to podcasts about dating Most of your podcasts are about people who need help or are in messy situations My question to you is what happens after a person has done the work to make themselves better Can I realistically expect a quality man to overlook the things? I've done in my past and want to be with a woman with a large family I have a lot to offer the right person in terms of my relationship with Christ character Personality looks education and financial stability. I'm also a great mother to my children Thanks in advance for your response Well, thank you very much for sending that in and I wanted to You know answer this I saw it and I took a quick skim and in the second line It said, you know, I have five children by three different men And I know that's a very tough situation to be in in a superficial Dating world when a lot of men you meet are just you know Surface level and they just look at you on the surface The other thing is you have to look at it much bigger than just relationships and so what what you have here is the opportunity to tap into purpose and To live your best life in a different kind of way So you have the opportunity to continue turning out greatness Because you've tapped into greatness to earn six figures to earn two degrees and make six figures That is not easy. That is not easy for anyone to do So for you to have done that there are women with no children Who don't have who don't have one degree? There are women with no children who don't have two degrees with no children who don't have a degree in making six figures So what it looks like to me and you just bought a large house You take care of yourself What it looks like to me is you had to go through to get to that your pain and Your mistakes is what you needed to make you who you are Now I won't lie to you. It will not be easy It will not be easy for a man a honest Good-hearted real man to want to be with you with five children It won't be easy and here's why because a lot of times women get offended by this and I'm just Telling you the truth from a male perspective. I'm not saying Impossible what I'm saying is it's not easy and the reason why it's not easy is because I've learned this over time When I was a young man, but I was in high school. So it's different. I was very immature you know, I dated a girl who had one child and I would call her and say hey, you know, let's go to the movies and she's like I can't go to the movies I got my son and I would call say hey, let's you know go Skating go bowling. I can't I got my son Or I could go but I have to take my son with me and I'm like, you know I don't want to be around that man that little boy, you know, that's what I'm saying to myself and This was one child and I remember going to her I went to her house and I said look, you know, I Unfortunately, I won't be able to be with you because I just I want to be able to live my life What was the straw that broke the camel's back as I was driving through the parking lot of this plaza And I wrote past this group of people Fighting and in the fight was her child's father He's in the parking lot in the middle of the day like 2 p.m. fighting and it was him and you know a little group of nerdy-looking kids and We all in high school at this time And he in the parking lot fighting So I'm like did he just come out of the bar right there the sports bar right there Well, he just come out of the movie theater the matinee But he's out here living his life and got time to be in the parking lot fighting and Acting a fool when I'm going over here to play stepdaddy. And so that right there it was the straw that broke the camel's back and But at the same time I was like eight seventeen eighteen. So I was immature is Many men in their 20s and 30s and get older get with a woman and love a single mother Many men can do it once they mature But that's one child two child two children you have five So this man will have to be a different type of person He will have to have a different vision. It would be made it would be a man who loves Children and being able to play with them and speaking to their life and put a smile on their face because either his father did that for him or he didn't have a father or Maybe he's into sports and he loves the idea of having kids that he can Train and build up to be the next Serena Williams or the next Michael Jordan, you know or Maybe his ex could not have kids and now that he's getting older He doesn't necessarily want to start over with his own kids or maybe he wants one of his own But he wants to be in the lives of some youth Now here is the downside For that man to truly be like that He is going to be an all-around good person. He is going to be responsible I'm not talking about a weed smoker and getting drunk if he gets drunk and he smokes He's not the one this guy is gonna be he's gonna be a clean guy. He's not gonna have a vice You know, nothing that he's addicted to Not marijuana not cigarettes not alcohol not gambling not pornography. He's gonna have no vices no addictions Okay, he is going to be Hard working this man has to have a job Working full-time 40 hours a week or more if he's working less He's still making full-time money. He just makes more in less amount of hours But he is ambitious and he's hard working Okay, this man is Going to have to love children. He may already have his own children He may have his own children But the mothers won't let him be in their life because they're mad because he's moved on with his life And they don't want to be with them if the mothers won't let him in their life Or the mothers want him in their life, but he's not in their life. He's not the man That's gonna be a good man for you Okay, he's probably going to be of age like 35 or older. He probably he could be an exception. I Would not trust a man under 35 I don't see your age in here. I would not trust a man under 35 over five children On the flip side of this is another thing y'all women do not believe and do not be want to hear and Try to give me all this, you know lip Men On average are not good with children There are some men some men who are good with children Typically those men still act like a child Typically those men still are immature In their own ways and they look and that's why they're so good with children Typically the men don't want to be faithful to one woman They aren't faithful to one woman when you see a man who's really really good with children a lot of time He's a mess in a relationship so a man is average at Best typically a good man who's gonna be faithful in a relationship and love you and treat you like a queen with children He's gonna be good average slash good. He's not going to be outstandingly amazing With five children from three different men Because it's not because now he's loving the children of another man So he does not look at them and see himself So you have to understand that on this journey here that you're on in every single mother out there Your focus has to be your children first Being everything And doing everything that they need not just all they want not buying them all Gucci and all the games And all of that trying to give them this life you never had is not about material thing It's about preparing them getting them good education good study habits Good behavior good manners good morals good values Getting making sure they have those things first The next thing is working on your purpose Your purpose is write your book start your nonprofit organization start your business Climb the ranks on your job and your career if you're working in corporate America, whatever it may be So your kids and then your your money your business your career And yourself at the same time your body how you eat how you sleep how you work out what you're watching What you're listening to This has to be your focus And guess what you're gonna Look good feel good Vibrate on a high frequency your energy is gonna be good. So what's gonna happen? You're gonna attract better men. You're gonna attract different types of men They are going to look the opposite of the bad boys you've dealt with in the past So you got to bring new energy. You got to be cool, calm and collected You can't be starting fights for no reason Can't be fussing fighting and arguing for no reason You have to truly be a new person You may need two to four sessions of coaching So think about doing coaching to get ideas on your business your career your brand Your personal brand how you represent yourself what you show of yourself What you give of yourself how you're raising your children All of those things make sure you on the right page And then with the man, this is what you have to understand. There may be one compromise This is the only compromise that I say is okay to make You know, you do what you want to do The only compromise is You may have to give him a child of his own from you But you first need to see You first need to be married. That's the first thing. Otherwise you'll have six kids by four men You first need to be married before giving him a child You also need to make sure that he loves your children Like he loves his own Like you can't tell that they don't come from him Me personally Why don't I tell women if you date the man and you're gonna leave him with your kids You need to have nanny cams in your house Have nanny cams in your house Have them in the rooms Have them in the living room You need to have nanny cams in your house so you could watch that man You don't know that man It's been less than a year Less than two years make sure he's not choking them slapping them You know abusing them beating on them touching on them inappropriately You you never know what you're bringing into your house A man could show you one thing and be something totally different with your child With your child. I see it every day. I deal with it every day I'm coaching women who went through it with a stepdad. You know, I'm seeing this all the time. So understand this Don't just assume a lot of times women say, oh, I know men that's better with children than women You may know a man that's better than a child with a woman. Congratulations. What you want a cookie That's not average And you also don't get to see that man with that child 24 seven You see he's great in front of you But a man is not wired and built to have the patience and the energy for a child 24 seven men do some crazy things with kids and Cursing them out slapping them upside the head punching them You know, especially if they can't speak for themselves. So you got to understand this When you have children and you getting ready to date be very very careful. This man is closer to a beast Then he is to a loving caring stepfather Understand what I'm telling you Y'all women could argue with me if you want to I know what I'm talking about I know what I'm talking about. You got to be extremely careful. I deal with this every day and so after you have Focus on your kids and you got a regimen and a routine and a schedule for them And then you focus on yourself your me time is on point all of your grind your purpose and all of that You read books and all the seminar have you done coaching you have not done coaching You need a specific plan for you and your life. So I expect to see an email from you And then you can open up to the dating field And the five children telling the man you got five kids is not the same as telling him you're Not having sex until marriage He needs to know up front in the first date that you got five kids That's totally different than saying i'm not having sex with you because a man cares more about the sex thing Than the kids you telling him you're not having sex until marriage will make him run faster than you telling him you got 10 kids Because at the end of the day what a man is thinking about he's not thinking about your kids He's thinking about what's between your legs You can have many kids you want to have A man thinking about that one thing and that's their love making And in the process he got to fall in love with you on the way While he's thinking about love making that's his energy and his fuel And a lot of y'all don't want to hear that it's too real for you because you think men deeper than that You think it's bigger than that. No The crux of a man's thoughts is sleeping with you More than anything else He's thinking if i got to fall in love if i got to date her every day if i got to talk to her every day my main thing is When we're gonna be intimate And whatever come with that if that's love if that's marriage if that's step kids if that's my own kids Whatever come with it i'm working toward this her intimacy Why because he created in wire to reproduce And it is not that much deeper than that. Yeah, you're gonna have some man. Oh, that's shallow And oh and you know all I think about and all yeah, it's good for the comments I know the real It's good for the comments later. Y'all don't want to believe it, but it's coming out of man mouth So He is not really men really don't care About how many children you have to be honest with you if he's a good man He doesn't care about that. He more so focus on you If you got five children and you look like you to have five children And you don't look like you're doing anything about it Meaning you look to shovel, you know, you don't let yourself go You're not working out right eating right taking care. You need doing your hair. You need to present yourself That's more so what he cares about But if you don't have five kids and like you say you can't people can't believe you don't have five kids Then he's looking at your personality your hustle your grind your ambition your heart and all of those things So hey, I hope that helps you. Thank you so much for writing in if you have a question Please be sure to send it in to inbox at tonigaskins.com inbox at tonigaskins.com Thank you so much. We'll talk soon