 Ladies and gentlemen, the Gauze of Slitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Slitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Slitz for yourself. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy colleague that is in the town of Ivy, USA. This is the most important night for Ivy, and few realize it more than its president, Dr. William Todd Hunter Paul. In 20 minutes, Dr. Hall and his wife, the former Victoria Cromwell of the London stage, will leave for a meeting, where he is to formally accept the George A. Sexton Award. Now at the Hall home on faculty roll. Victoria, I can't seem to find my black tie. Have you any idea what it is? Yes. You might look in the mirror. Well, I'll admit that that tie has been found in some odd places. William, you would have it on. I distinctly remember not putting it on and I refused to believe that an ordinary black tie would be capable of crawling up on my shoulder, winding itself above my neck and manipulating its own nut. Did you finish your speech? Yes, just a short while ago. It took a little longer than I planned. That's why I'm late. Oh, you're not so late. Besides, it was worth it. What was worth what? Taking extra time on your speech. It's the best one you ever wrote. How do you know that? You couldn't possibly have read it. I don't have to read it. Victoria, this is probably no time to bring it up, but is there any record of clairvoyance in your family? No, not a chance of it. Some red hair, dambling, small earlobes, things like that, but no clairvoyance. Why? A few moments ago, you were downstairs and I was upstairs. How did you know I had my tie on? I heard you put it on. You heard me put it on? Hmm, strange. I've never thought of a black tie being particularly noisy. No, dear. But you are. Every time you struggle with a bow tie, I realise just how well rounded your vocabulary really is. First you mumble and you mutter, then you come right out and say, you... Yes, darling. Yes, darling. All right, all right. Well, I'll accept that explanation, but it leaves me to wonder if I'm not married to a beautiful and charming civil. Or was that just a wild pitch for the crystal ball? It required no supernatural power, doctor. Your success for your speech is written all over you. Well, that should make an interesting social note for the Ivy News. President Hall, who accepted the George A. Sexton Award, was charmingly dressed in a suit of fine handwriting on a flouncing-bond paper foundation. You're half-pride. You've even forgotten to be nervous. Nervous? Oh, my dear, on these occasions I always have butterflies the size of vultures playing badminton in my stomach. But you're the soothing type of person who frightens such abdominal lepidoptera away. So the game seems to be ended. So what? Well, who can that be? Mr. Maryweather. Victoria. No, no, no. I saw him going to the Grand Sands a few minutes ago. He wouldn't be this close without stopping by. All right. Well, you go and spit at him in while I get on my coat. It isn't that I want to appear in hospital, but we really have to go in a few minutes. Oh, this is a surprise, Mr. Maryweather. Come on in. I can't stay, Mrs. Hall. Is the doctor in? I have a message for you. Well, you do write back when we sit down. Oh, thank you. Oh, this is comfortable. You're an awfully comfortable person, Mrs. Hall. You know, if I weren't married to Mrs. Maryweather, whom I happened to love, and you weren't married to Dr. Hall, whom I greatly admire, I'm afraid I'd make an awful fool of myself over you. Mr. Maryweather, what brings this on? It's spring, ma'am. It's spring. It's the time of year when the man rises in a sapped veins and vice versa. It's when a young man's fancy likely turns to the things that an old man fancies. Mr. Maryweather. Hello, Doctor. You old illusion-spoiler. You're looking exceptionally well this evening. I don't know how you do it. I'm not much older than you. I play golf three times a week. And I feel like my poosler after a night out with the boys and girls. Well, after all, it isn't every evening that a college president receives a quarter of a million-dollar gift. It isn't even every other evening. How does that work, Doctor? Well, for some reason, known only to himself, Mr. George A. Sexton decided to turn philanthropist and offered this college $250,000, with which to build a laboratory for medical experiments. Well, that's a nice package. How's it tied up? Tied up? Yeah, one of the strings. Oh, that's the beautiful part of it, Mr. Maryweather. There are no strings, not even a thread. Yeah. Don't tell me you found an altruistic donor. On the contrary, an altruistic donor found either. The entire sum is to be used for no other purpose than to carry on medical research for ear, nose, and throat. No, it's as simple as that. And speaking of simple, does Wellman know about this? Why do you ask, Mr. Maryweather? Because Clarence is quite excited about this award, Mrs. Hall. I think he thinks he's going to get his big, fat finger in the pie. No, this is one pie that Mr. Wellman won't be able to cut to his own liking. Well, congratulations, Doctor, on bringing the pie to Ivy. Oh, no, Ivy. No, don't. That's a protest. I know it was your progressive spirit and leadership that brought Ivy to section's attention. And I'm proud of you, Doctor. You're a go-getter, a keeper-inner, and a don't-let-goer. No, it reminds me. I really did come here with a message. A certain member of our Board of Governors who shall remain unnamed, except by the unregenerate and the profane... Mr. Wellman? Your intuition is amazing. Yes. And correct. Any way to get to the point. When Clarence heard I had to drop in to see the Quinn Cannon before the meeting, he... Isn't Quinn Cannon coming? No, the professor's out of town, Doctor. And Mrs. Quinn Cannon is, well, in what modest people in a burst of understatement call an interesting condition. No, she can't go. She's going to have a baby. Oh, she's all right. But now, Doctor, decided she'd better have a nurse with us for the next few days. Anyway, Doctor, the message from Happy Talk, you know, Dreamboat Wellman, was that it is advisable for you not to be late. I can almost hear his tone of voice. Like a rusty file rusting on a blackboard. You may report that you persuaded me after a bitter struggle. Well, I've done my duty. I'm a bliging cuss. And it gave me an excuse to see you. And Mrs. Hall, who's even prettier. Well, we're always glad to have you drop in. And you can tell Dreamboat, Mr. Wellman, for me, that nothing in this world could make me late for that meeting. Nothing. Come to the car, dear. I'll get the phone. No, no, no. We're late, Vicki. Let it ring. Oh, no, I couldn't. Why couldn't you? We're out of the house. I'd be out of my mind if I didn't ask it. The suspense of wondering who it was, and kill me. It's still peace party. I'll own a bit of a minute. Oh, you might as well face it. She'll marry it to a woman. As many whether would say, this is something to complain about. This is the first party, William. Wait. Well, what is it, Vicki? What's happened? That was Mrs. Queen Cannon. Oh, has she decided that she wants to go? Yes, she decides she wants to go to the hospital. Now? Right now. I have to take her. But where's her nurse? Call back to the hospital on an emergency tonight. Well, it can't be helped that the professor's gone. Of course you must go. That's a shame, darling. I'll have to receive the award without you. I know, but there are three children there, and no one to stay with them. It would be their cook's night out. Look, Toddy, while I take Mrs. Queen Cannon to the hospital, you ask the people next door to look after the children. The old bed is still. Go and make some to send somebody over. Hello. Hello, operator. Connect me with General Hospital. Well, what's that? Yes, it is an emergency. Thank you. Hello, hello. What do you think, General Hospital? This is Dr. Hall speaking. Dr. Hall speaking. Oh, no, young lady. My degree is academic, not medical. I wish to speak to someone, anyone in charge of housing. You use the phone. I'm sorry, but what did you say? Oh, it isn't a patient, Mr. Brown. It's just three youngsters. Was it an accident, Doctor? Yes, it was an accident. Any serious casualties? No, no, please. A boy! A boy! What was that again, Mr. Brown? Were there any casualties, Doctor? Well, from the sound of a lethal discussion that's going on here, I think I can promise at least two. Any questions? Well, a couple of guys named Cassidy. Others? They must be. Look, Mr. Brown, I am Dr. Hall of Ivy College. I'm calling you as the last resort for entirely unavoidable circumstances. I was left to care for three children. I tried to get the matron, but she's gone to the movie. Wait, wait, what next? Well, I've tried everyone else in the phone book. I want just one room right now for three children so I can attend a most important function. Or better still, send a nurse who can take care of it. I see. Thank you. Sorry, Doctor. I'm sorry, too, Mr. Brown. Thank you, boys, kids, boys! I'm in a bad situation. I want to think. Now, will you please help me out? Please, partners. Thank you. And just a phone call or two. Operator, will you try the matron's office again, please? She must be back by now. No, no, boys, no. No, no, Lassau, please. No, not now. Boy, you twirl that rope very well, Hoppe, but don't laugh through me until I finish this call. Hello, hello! No, no, not now, please, boys. You can loop me later. Look, look, look, look how we're dancing. Look out. Boys, boys! Where did you get that rope? It was here. Where? You didn't pull it out of anything, did you? Let go the other end of it. I'll show you some real ropes. It was a nice telephone. It was very clear. People sounded like they were in the next room. Oh, good night, Mr. Sexton. Good night, Mr. Hall. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Here's how one man arrives at the same conclusion. We'll return to the halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Colman as soon as we hear his story. I'm an architect by profession and by inclination, a professed booster of Schlitz beer. This latter enthusiasm is something I've just recently acquired, but it's as welcome as shade on a hot Saturday afternoon. That's the kind of day it was when I went out to look over the completion of a house I designed in the suburbs. Everything was in with the owners, and the trip was sort of a final inspection before declaring the place ready for residency. I was scrambling around the roof, checking a few construction details, and I saw a car pull up and discharge my clients in full picnic paraphernalia. They had a basket of sandwiches with them and a pale filled with cans of beer on ice. With that eagerness of most prospective homeowners, they had come for a preview of suburban living. A picnic on the terrace of a house they were so anxious to make home. I watched them break out the beer, and with a trained eye for detail, noted that the beer was Schlitz. I'd never tried Schlitz before, but the remedy for that lay just below me on ice. I hailed the party from the roof, and then climbed down to accept the can of Schlitz from the hands of my client. I'd heard that Schlitz was the largest selling beer in America, and as I tasted it, I knew why. As an architect, I have a professional man's respect for those who know their trade as a advancement. I can only say no wonder they called Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. When Dr. Hall desperately trapped with a dead telephone and three youngsters entrusted to his charge, we find a small but very formal meeting impatiently awaiting his arrival. Mr. Wellman is being just as destructive as usual, while Mr. Sexton and Mr. Murrayweather try to make the best of a very bad situation. From what I've learned of Dr. Hall, I feel sure that there must be extenuating circumstances which will explain that. Mr. Sexton, you are a kind and patient man. You are a man who tries to understand the weakness of his face. You are a man... Oh, for heaven's sake, Clarence, turn it off. I know perfectly well something's happened to Dr. Allman. Murrayweather, your attitude is beyond my understanding. Don't you realize the importance of this meeting to I.D.? Certainly I do. Better than you do, I think. One of the reasons that I picked I.B. for the George Sexton endowment was that I had heard so much about the thoughtfulness, consideration and humanity of its president. I'm sorry to say that none of these qualities have been in evidence since my arrival. I am in complete agreement. Now, please bear in mind, however, Mr. Sexton, that the Board of Governors is a group of men who are definitely... Boiled in the stuffing of their own shirts. This is no time for liberty, Murrayweather. I'm not sure that Dr. Hall's absence can be explained by time is limited. I feel that I've waited long enough. After all, there are such things as telephones, a message would have survived. If Dr. Hall's interest does not extend this far, then possibly I've made a mistake in choosing I.B. for this endowment. I suggest that we adjourn. Mr. Sexton, please, why don't you stay in town overnight at my house? Your house, Mr. Wellman. Very kind of you, but no, thank you. Oh, he'll be glad to take you home, Mr. Sexton. His broomstick's right outside. Murrayweather, really? Oh, I know how you feel. How you feel, Clarence. I don't feel so good myself. You're right, Mr. Sexton. Let's break it up. I'll leave you here. I have my car and an errand to do. I'm sorry, gentlemen. Good night. Are you still quite satisfied, Murrayweather, with your choice of a president for I.B.? Your Dr. Hall has just cost us a quarter of a million dollars. And until I've heard his side of it, he's worth it to this school. I shall tell him my side of it now. I'll find him wherever he is. It is amazing to me how a man who has worked as hard for his money as you have, Murrayweather, can have so little idea of the value of it. Well, you see, we've spent our time in different ways, Clarence. While you've been learning the value of it, I've been testing the use of it. And I think I've made a few people happy with it. But I do want to congratulate you, my boy. Oh, what? For the one person you've made happy, Clarence. Yourself. Good night. Oh, Victoria, thank goodness you're back. Why couldn't you get anyone? Look what hot along-casset you did to the telephone. Oh, I was. How's Mrs. Quincanon? She's doing well, I think. Well, I'm proud of her condition just before I left the hospital. The nurse said, we expect to pull through nicely. It is remarkable, isn't it? No matter how badly off the patient is, the hospital always pulls through. I've never heard of a single case where a patient lost a hospital. Vicky, Mr. Wellman just left here. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to convince him that this evening's unexpected turn was not a deliberate and diabolical plot on my part to overthrow philanthropists. Oh, Toddy, what did that horrible load? Vicky. Say. Well, among other less delicate accusations, I am rude, selfish, and unappreciative. I will probably be asked to turn in my doctorate before cockroach, select my pay, and hit the road. Surely after you explained why even Mr. Wellman could understand. Victoria, if you boiled the shadow of a pigeon that had died from starvation, you would have a broth that is far richer than Mr. Wellman's understanding. I gather that Mr. Sexton shares Wellman's opinion of me. I can't believe that from such a generous man. My dear, one of the first things you learn in dealing with philanthropists, old or new, is that a generous hand isn't always indicative of a generous nature. Yes, I know. Oh, how almost got the children. Oh, don't worry. I handled them with dispatch, even a plunge. It's very quiet. Well, you didn't use violence. No, certainly not. No, after Huffleung had formed the Alamo, I read to them. All aware of few tense moments over the selection of reading materials, Twin Cannon, the smaller, for instance, held out for the collected works of A. A. Milne. Oh, no! It is. Yes, if you overstepped for an audience of three critical children and recited Christopher Rubin goes hoppity, hoppity, hoppity, hoppity, hoppity, hoppity. I did. The end of my rendition, Twin Cannon, the larger, said, and I quote, that thing. End quote. And I'm afraid I agreed with him without reservation. At any rate, the final choice of comic reading material was left to me. What was your choice, Uncle William? A compendium of the satires of Aristophanes. What comic books? Twin Cannon, the youngest question exactly. Victoria Aristophanes was the very greatest of all the Greek comic writers. I know, I know. Not only that, but when read aloud, his works have a sedative effect that is phenomenal. Less than ten minutes after I started, two of the three children had wandered off to sleep. William, you're wonderful. It was nothing, really. It's nothing. It's the best idea I've heard in ages. Would you care to commercialize your talent? Oh, I much prefer to rest on my laurel. Oh, what a shame. I've heard it. What is it? Well, it's that little boy peeping around the window chair. Oh, he's the one. Even Aristophanes couldn't put to sleep. Boy didn't he a little love. Who did he belong to? I don't know. But I wouldn't be in the least surprised to find that he holds a card in the benevolent and protective order of elves. And, Vicki, have you noticed anything peculiar about me? I mean, my face is a average appearance. I don't classify it as handsome, yet I don't honestly feel that it would cause a startled reaction. Now, what on earth is this all about? It's that child. What, a little bit of a boy? What do you do? Nothing. That's just it. For the past thirty minutes that youngster has sat there, not moving, not saying a word, just staring at me. Well? Now, if you walk ahead of small child fast and unwavering eyes on you, it ruins you. Oh, he was just overwrought. But it's his appointment over the endowment. No, no, I'm not overwrought. I would rather face a lion in his den than the silent, unblinking stare of one small child. Oh, lamb, it's the one who can see you tall. Look, his eyes are glazed with fleece. Oh, that isn't my fault. I've ordered him to find a baby in your multiple times. He paid absolutely no attention to anything I said. Every time I... Do my eyes deceive me? Or is that little boy actually coming towards me? What are you going to do? Oh, look, he wants to get in your lap. Well... Well, welcome, dear. Listen up. Well, I... Well, there. There you are, young fellow. Up you go. You look so alarmed, darling. You won't hurt you. Oh, Victoria, please give me credit for at least a minimum of intelligence in regards to, um... Now, what do I do? I don't think it's a good thing. Well... You can't talk to me. Admirably so. Oh, how peaceful it is now. I was thinking... My speech. The one I didn't give in acceptance of the foundation I really didn't get. It was a nice speech. Mr. Sexton, it is with great humility that I accept this award in behalf of... In conclusion, sir, I thank you. Not for myself, although my appreciation is unlimited, not even for the students who will benefit by your generosity. Their success will be your thanks. But for me, very young. A small child like the one here on my lap who will have the opportunity to grow up in a better world because of men like you. No, Tati. It's too sad, Mr. Sexton. Couldn't have heard that. He was magnificent. Yes, Doctor Hall, it was. Well, sir, thank you. And I believe this is the first time I've ever given an endowment after an acceptance speech. Please accept my certified check. I thank you, but you have to excuse me, sir, but I'm a little confused. And I'm a bit Tati in introducing myself. My name is Sexton, Tobias Sexton. How do you do, Mr. Sexton? This is my wife. How do you do, Mr. Sexton? What brings you to the Quincannons, Mr. Sexton? I came to pick up my son. I must confess that I never expected to find you as a babysitter, Doctor, but it gives me a nice warm feeling. I don't mind telling you. I found myself the earlier part of the evening. So much because of the predicament in which I found myself, but well, because I regretted what must have seemed to you appalling rudeness. I... Did you say you came to pick up your son? Yes. Mrs. Quincannon kindly offered to have her nurse take care of George for me during the meeting. George? George A. Sexton, but of course. I think I needn't have heard back. He looks quite comfortable there on your lap, Doctor. That's most unusual. He's very shy. George A. Sexton, little fellow. You've taken quite strongly to my husband, haven't you? So have I, Mrs. Hall. Doctor, I hereby withdraw all the things I thought about through this evening when you didn't show up. It occurs to me again that there are some things that money can't buy. Yes, there is a point where purchasing power stops. You can't buy appreciation. You can't buy the tradition that exists here at Ivey. But they can be given to you, to your son. He'll be at Ivey, of course. No, Doctor. I have other plans for George. He'll do all right, but you'll never go to Ivey. Not coming to Ivey, but surely you want your son. I know that, Mrs. Hall. It's a fine school, but well, there are other things that money can't buy. And I've spent thousands of dollars trying to buy them. What things do you mean? Hearing and speech, Doctor Hall. You see, George was born without speech or hearing. Hmm. This is excellent. What you've done today will, I think, speak for him. And he'll hear it in his heart for the rest of his life. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's a beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everyone. The latest pictures campaign for Caesar. We'll be seeing you next week at this time at the Hall of Ivey, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players were Willard Waterman, Herbert Butterfield, Charles Seales, Audie McGovern, Jeffrey Silver, Herbert Vigran, and Gene Vanderpile. The night script was written by Cameron Blake and Don Quinn. It was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Hall of Ivey was created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolfe and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And Carpenter Speak. Coming up, it's The Great Gilder Sleeve on NBC.