 Thank you so much for sticking to Y254 TV. Welcome back to the Power Talk Show. My name is Sheryl Blessing and this evening, we're having a conversation on friendships and relationships. How can friendships affect your relationships? Can they add value or can they break your relationships? Joining me live on set is Beryl and Pasta Edwin Diego. Karibuni sana. So before we went on our break, we were just having a conversation. Tumekuza kwelewa you have to really assess your friendship and you have to have wisdom through your friendships and even in your relationships. So now we were asking what if your partner tells you they don't like your friend. So I want us to give it the perspective of the toxicity. Kuskuna otu njoko toxic and they want to isolate you because they feel like your friends might see them for who they are and you're blinded by love and infatuation and all these things you can't see, they're negative. So in that perspective, how can you address something like that? Or how can you find out from your friends why they don't like him or why your partner, how can you, through wisdom, how can you approach that situation? Ya, it's very... I like the perspective you've also brought because as you were just leaving, we were going for the break. I'd mentioned you need to find out the reason as to why your partner is saying that I don't like your friends. And from that reason, you can get to know on whether he wants to isolate you as you are saying or indeed there is something very tangible which he has seen or which he has seen which you need to look at seriously and critically because we are trained to be analytical. We are trained to reason out, question everything that goes on in our lives. And in reasoning, that is when you'll be able to receive and find the reason as to why my partner is telling me he doesn't like my friends. It is because of A, B, C, D. And this one, we can be able to agree and negotiate because when you do not see the reason as in then, you'll have to change this perspective. But if at all whatever is pointing out to be a reason, it is something which is tangible, then it is something to be considered. So it is in both ways. You have to analyze on what is the level of relationship with your partners and it is after how long. Someone may just come and within a short time they are telling you I do not want to see your friends. We have had those situations even in the church that a lady was very, very much committed to church but all of a sudden you come to realize that she's no longer coming to church and you're wondering why doesn't she come to church? Oh, she got married and then the next thing you come to discover, the worst of the worst happened. You understand. So it is very, very much important you get to weigh on the perspective of your partner and the point of view which has been given about your friends and then you get to make a conclusion. So you really have to assess. You have to assess. And I believe that also applies for friends who tell you I don't like your partner. It applies both ways. But now is it wise for you to tell your partner my friend doesn't like you or tell your friends my partner doesn't like you? Is it wise for you to say that? Because as you've said, it can just be a case of misconception. Maybe they saw them in a situation. Maybe your friend was drunk and acting out. We call it the hard effect. Someone from the first time. For the first time and they got the wrong impression without really understanding this person. So is it wise to share that with the other party to try and get them to get along? What would you say to that burial? As Pasiya said, get to know about the matter in details. Don't just rush that Sheryl, my guy doesn't like you. My guy doesn't like you. Why? He saw you drunk. I'm like, how long does Sheryl get? Okay, Sheryl is drunk. Then on what actions does she take? On what level? What are behaviors? How does that affect our relationship? If Sheryl tells me, you know your guy seems like a toxic guy on what level? Did he say something? Is it something that can lead to something? So you do not just come in and say everything bluntly because you may destroy a relationship that maybe will stand out in the future and come to your rescue. I may destroy the bond that maybe the friendship that could have been between my partner and my friend. Because they say that when you want to know someone at least talk or speak to their friends. So maybe they want to know me and I've already told Sheryl, Sheryl, my guy doesn't like you. Anytime Sheryl will be seeing my partner, she'll be like, no. It's just a no. And maybe if I tell my guy that you know Sheryl doesn't like you, anytime they don't even want to me seeing me associating. So before you speak something or you communicate a message to the other party, kindly get to know. And I'm telling Sheryl, my guy doesn't like you because of one, two, three. I don't want you to destroy this relationship that you guys may form. So Sheryl, what can we do about it? Can we find a way to change it? Can we find a way to improve on the action? You do not just say everything out bluntly. So it's wisdom. It takes a lot of wisdom because clearly in relationships and friendships, this is sensitive because these are human relationships. You're dealing with someone with feelings, their own personalities. And as you've said, that's very important because it could be your best friend and this could be your future husband. And you're going to be together for 50 years, all of you. So you cannot affect the relationship because of maybe one mis-understanding or a situation like that. So it takes wisdom for you to know how to approach the matter. Now let me get into boundaries. How do we set the boundaries? Because you can be expectant and you're married and they want to throw you a baby shower and they're like send us you guys gambas so that we talk to him and do all this and that. And sometimes it's not because of the best of interest or something. How do you create the boundaries such that even when your friends and your partner meets or even you meeting your friends' partners, you know that there is a certain boundary we can't cross. There are certain conversations we can't have. How do we set that faster? Boundaries are very, very much important in general and in any nature of relationship. Let me not even about just friends. Even when it comes to family, you need to set boundaries right because this is a relationship. So when it comes to boundaries, it is how you get to agree with your partner that this is the far that you can allow friends to get. And Sheryl, people are not attracted to how you look. You may look so good, you may be dressing so nicely. People are attracted to the value they draw from you. Let us not lie to one another. People are attracted to the value that they draw from you. You understand? So boundaries are set depending on the value that those friends are bringing in that said relationship. You understand? For instance, we are in a relationship and every moment whenever we are at a place where we are feeling no, even this relationship is headed towards a breakup but there is a friend who comes in strongly and makes the both of us to see the sense. You had asked something of what even it takes for someone to pick up someone as a maid of honor or a bride of honor. It takes what value is this person bringing in the relationship which you are having. Pahaps yi ni wale wa tum na pigashere kila siku. There is a friend who tells you if you are looking for to begin a family, na yiku pigashere mna pigashere, or honestly, what does what end up shuli? You understand? So depending on the value that these friends are bringing into that relationship, that is where you get to draw the boundary. You understand? And when you take note of any toxicity towards the relationship and both of you can be able to judge and say, hey, according to the comments that this guy gives you, just keep such a person away because it will be toxic. When you realize you have friends who are not helping in any way in that particular relationship, they are friends who are sadists. Whenever you're going through a circumstance, yeah, it becomes humor to them you need to take note of that. So you draw the boundary depending on the value that you draw from that particular relationship. Thank you. And I want us to dive into a bit of accountability, but before that, let me get some of your comments. So if we can pull that up to more, let's sample some of the comments that you've shared with us about this conversation. This is from a Facebook, I believe. We have young Trapper who says, I used to show my friend who I am dating with, but then I realized that friends of the destiny killers, they can betray you. For me, I can't tell my friend about my relationship, never young Trapper. Nini, if I need you, you need to share some of this information. Wa li bams chanama, what happened? Do we have any more, yeah? We have young Savage who says, watching from Batwash. Thank you so much for tuning in. No but Liwa says, summer enemies of progress, but I can share with one or two. That's why, because you've assessed. Anton Neta Kimatare, Toma says, wapenwa, that, oh. That one. Don't, yeah, don't too fast. Isaac Naliyanya says, butare equal locked in, I can never involve my friends in my marriage, that can never happen. No, yo, I win the cup. What happened? Pediwa Saddam Deka says, tika 237, well represented. Thank you so much for tuning in. Do we have any more comments? We have Ibrahim Haimba, Wasi says, vitu zinginesina hita jimbogi, ah, hazi ita jimbogi. Eh, wukukwani, I'm wondering, what are the friends doing? The level of friends being destinikilizes. Many people are lost trust in friends. Yeah. Many people, because of the occurrences, or what is the, many people have lost trust when it comes to friends. And is it because of the lack of boundaries? Because some of them, as we talked about, the way, Beryl gave us a very clear example. Rafkiya kwa reza kwatu ana ceklistan na temo, yami nitaftia buwana na hajuwi. You know, even the guys can be like that, because sometimes guys will see you dating someone and they are the friend, but they will still approach you. So is it because the lack of boundaries, Ima, Beryl, what do you think can bring up this issue? I think we do not understand what it means to be keeping it private and keeping it a secret. So be keeping it, I'm making it not a secret, we do not understand. I feel like if I don't tell people about my man, I'm already, my relationship is private, but in real sense it's becoming a secret because people don't know who I am with. Now, the other thing is how do you represent your patina out there? Because let me say I'm in a relationship and every time I go to Sherry, he gives me more things. In fact, I don't even like him, I like the other one. So Sherry realizes this is a gap. You hear? So how do you represent your patina out there? If the guy is with his friends and he's told, hey baby, this time they like to call mama. Mama na figure. I'm like, ah, we are chana naiye. In fact, she's the one that is always in my DMs and all that. Ah, I'm not even interested. And his friend, so I am on his list. I am the right woman on his journal. Pasi, there is a presentation of a chance right there. It's how do you represent your patina? Let us make sure that we represent our patinas in a way where someone knows, that is an area that I cannot go to. There's some boundaries that I can approach very. If my patina shows when I call his like, let me talk to my woman, you see? When he calls, I'm like, let me talk to my man first. I give him a certain respect and priority. My friends realizes this thing is serious and they know how to approach it. They cannot just find any chance because I've not let any chance. There's no space for you guys to mingul in. He is a priority. So I do not expect you to find you in this space. But if he calls and I'm like, ah, I'll talk to him later. In fact, I'm giving someone else around this table a chance to get into my space. And that was very clear because Pia, it's the representation, the way you speak about your patina, the boundaries you've set with your friends even. When in case you're meeting your friends, a Masijunini and your girlfriend is coming in, you have to know this is my woman. You do not talk to her a certain way. We do not have certain conversations around her. So that respect will translate to how they will, maybe they will accept your patina or treat your patina and maybe then view them in future. But now before the show started, I was sharing about the situation where I think there was a viral video going around of a lady who was being beaten up. It wasn't a fast occurrence because based on the story it happened before. And the guy was beating up the lady. The lady was there. The guy had a friend there. The friend wasn't bothered. The friend didn't say anything, didn't mention anything. So we talked about accountability. You mentioned accountability. How do we hold our friends accountable in situations like that? If you feel like my friend is toxic in their relationship, my friend is cheating and I am aware that they are cheating. How do you hold them accountable? It's important whenever you're having friends. Have friends who have virtues and qualities that you would want to relate with. And that is why someone ever said somewhere, do not let your friends choose you. Yeah, choose them. They say, I don't allow friends to choose me. I choose my friends depending on what. On the values and the virtues that I would want. You understand? So once you do that, then correcting a friend whenever they go wrong becomes something which is very, very easy because if at all I call you my friend and I cannot correct you whenever there is something which is wrong, then it means that friendship is misplaced. It is misinterpreted. It means that is not a friendship. So friendship is not psychofancy. It is not a matter of me showering praises unto you even when you are in the wrong. No, I will only be a friend if at all there is a time when you're doing something which is not right. I'm there to tell you, no Sheryl, this one is wrong and we cannot continue in that direction. And that is why we tell people look at who is it that someone listens to. If at all I would want to pick on Berrill as a friend, I would want to know who does Berrill listen to. Who is her speed govern? Who is that one person that when I can get to call she will be able to cool down and would want to listen? Be very, very careful about people who tell you they cannot listen to anybody, even a friend. That is somebody who cannot be accountable and it means that is somebody who cannot get to listen. You understand? Kuna wale mabeshi na wangana wangana kwa mbiai mimi akunam tuoneza niyambiai kitu. That one is danger, it's a red flag. You need to run away from such a flag. Don't say red is your favorite color. Because all levels of relationship accountability is very, very key. It's important because that's what makes you a better person. You know, sometimes people are not even aware that maybe they get late every time. They don't know they have poor time management skills. So if you do not hold your friends accountable then they can't get better. They'll stay the same. But now let's flip it to the people who are just jealous. They see that your relationship is thriving, you're happy, your partner treats you so right. Maybe it's even a marriage and they've been unable to get into a marriage or even a lasting relationship and they're jealous. So they give you information based on their jealousy. Beryl, how can you know? Uyurafiki, unimbaya, uyako tu jealous na na medil to every situation they just want to know. What happened? Yesterday you went to your man. What happened? Were you fighting? What went on? How do you manage things like that? Your partner. Let's start there. How well do you know your partner? As for me, I know myself as an explode. I react quickly to things. So if something is said to my partner about a very limited certain situation, how well does he know me? Or if I'm being told something about him, how well do I know him? That is where we start from. Because if he's told I do not drink and he's told by the way Beryl went to the club, she was shouting and all that, how well does he know me to that extent? So before any information is presented unto you, ask yourself, do I know my partner in this way? And if I do, to what extent do they react to this situation? Because we have that category of jealousy, pure jealousy because if I could not have it, then nobody else can have it. So before we react on any message, even if my partner's friends come and tell me, bithi you know your guy with other ladies and all that, how well do I know my man? How well do I know how he relates with others? That is where we have the trust in the... We have different, I always tell myself, we have different levels of trust. And in your relationship you need to have 100% trust. You need to have good, I will always repeat on communication, you need to have good communication always. When something and you know just come laughing around, oh Sheryl I was told you are in the club jumping on top of the table, you will not come like that. Bring a situation Sheryl, I saw a video on a lady in the club and what is your opinion on that? Get to analyze what they say in the matter and then present whatever you want to say. Create an environment. I love Obina's shows because I love the way he started because of the way he used to bring food. We say when food is there people relax. So make sure before you speak something as sensitive as that, make sure Obina is comfortable. And I like the aspect of trust. It took me back to this popular song about a lady who left the relationship because of advice from the friends and now it's years later and she was regretting the decision. She wanted to go back but then it was too late. So it gets me to thinking how should we make decisions based on the information that we get? Should we just take what our friends tell us or should we know how to pick and choose? You gave us a very clear example of someone who listened to different age groups, assessed and then made up his own mind. So how can you decide what information should I pick and what should I drop? Because you can end up ruining a good relationship without really fully making up a decision based on you. It's because of the information that your friends are giving you. So what decisions should you tie to the advice based on your friends? Amma, how should you pick and choose and know? I've listened to this. They've given me this information but I will not run with it because I know my partner or I've listened to it and maybe I was feeling like this person was a bit toxic. So now that someone else has affirmed it, then we need to go. How should you pick and choose? One, we have said how do you get to deal with jealous friends? I believe that is what is bringing us to the second question. One, any time anyone is raising something up Sheryl, if I told you as somebody who is wise, you will know whether they are raising it out of concern or they are just passing information. You understand? There is somebody who will tell you something and you know this one is telling me this because in one way or another, they are concerned. But another way they will raise it, this one is just trying to pass certain information. That is how you get to pick jealousy out of a statement. And any time they speak, it is more of criticism than positivity. Even if there is something positive to talk about, they will not talk about it. They will only criticize and you will know here there is a problem. This is not just information that I should be able to pick on and react on. The other thing is that any moment you get information, verify, get to the root of that particular information, is it a fact, is it a suspicion or is it an allegation? You understand? Because it may fall into those categories. It is either a fact, it is either a suspicion or it is an allegation. You understand? What is, what happened to your relationship if at all it was just an allegation? They just alleged, they told you, then you reacted over it. You see, you are the one who look like a fool. But if it is a suspicion, it means there may be truth in it and at the same time it is information that you cannot trust as much. But if it is a fact, then it is something which has been verified and even maybe there is evidence about it, then you get to know how do I get to work on that. So acting on any given information should depend on how you know your partner. I will agree with Beril how much do you know the person with because there are things I can be told about Beril and I can stand out in the open refute and say that if you say it, it's Beril no. I know that she cannot do that. Yes. Which is important. It's really important to really know and verify because you know sometimes people jump on information actually can be one anani and they don't know and as we've talked about trust, you may know your partner. You may know your partner does not like going out, drinking, doing all these things but because you want to believe your friends or you want to believe maybe you even have some insecurities within yourself that are brought out by situations like that. So you will be quick to buy into what your partner is saying. So I want us to get into a few more topics but briefly because time is running out I want to talk about friends who will not be there to celebrate your milestones. You just got married. It's your first anniversary. You may invite them too. I'm busy. Baby shower, I'm busy. First birthday, I'm busy. So how do you know? How can you Beril? Because the last time we were having a conversation you're very sentimental about friendship. You like to hold on to your friends. How can you tell? This one is genuinely busy. Nahu yu hani penditu. Uni heta na jifanya because say maybe you're going out, you're going for lunch all that they're available but when it comes to celebrating your personal milestones within your relationship perhaps it's because of their experiences they're not there to celebrate with you. How do you take that? As for me, we need to learn about acceptance. And at times things happen in our life and some of our friends are not able to relate with them. We need to accept that I moved to a certain milestone and they are not able to be there for me. It is time to let go. Because we cannot continue hanging around. Just because I love this tree and it's not producing apples, should I continue to keep the tree there? It's not even providing shade. You need to learn. And as much as you love this tree, you planted it, you've gone, it has been there to keep the sun from you and all that, you need to learn to let go. When you see someone is not there celebrating your milestones, your achievements, then you know it is time. That is when you say that times it is just time to let go. Those are some of the characteristics to know how to and when to let go. Because there are people who are genuinely preoccupied and the people who just don't want to be there because what I celebrate and we miss in a buwana, at us in a boyfriend. So bringing me to, we have some friendships who they might get into a new relationship and you know the partner is toxic and you try to bring up that aspect but your friends are not receptive. They even think you're a hater. So you know, umpendi kwa sabusu jo na fanyani ni ni ni ni ni but you can see the toxicity, you can see the manipulation. Pasta, how can you approach something like that? If you tell your friend once, twice, thrice and they're not receptive, do you let go at a wewe ama? We are only responsible of giving people advice but we can never make a decision for them. So your part as a friend is just to advise, tell them because if anything happens in any case and you did not point it out and then later on you come and say wana jo ni liana? ni wewe yetusi wana, no, they will blame you. But the moment you point it out and then later on they come to see it is you raise it as a concern. Then definitely next time you tell them something they are gonna listen to you. You understand, it begins with the small small things. So first of all ensure that you are giving a judgment that can be trusted and just know that you can get to the place of advising somebody but you cannot make a decision for them entirely. The decision remains to be their responsibility. And I like what you've said, sometimes it's your responsibility to mention it because you will be held accountable in case something happens and you were there all along and you never said something. So let's take it back to conflict because as we said there are situations where your partner and your friends cannot get along or they may have some difference in opinion about something. Maybe it's even, let's talk about career wise. You've gotten into a marriage, you want to start a family, you want to start having kids but you also want to grow your career. So your partner may not agree with you about that but then your friend is supportive because your friend knows what you've been through and they know that you can probably handle and balance the two. So the two of them can clash because mbonuia kusapot na mbonuia nakua advice if you need advice, Maya. So how can you come together and solve conflicts? Things like that that can come up between your partner and your friend especially if it's long term and it's marriage. Beril, I don't know if you can say something on that. I've been following certain talks and I don't know, they say the women activists, women empowerment is too much but I've been learning something and it talks about the woman knowing how to prioritize themselves first. Before I make a decision, I love, I always love to speak to myself first. I have certain part of my house where I love sitting and they call it, it's my room, it's my consultation room for me by me. It is somehow why I sit alone. So before you look into what other people are advising, what do you advise yourself? We have the mirror challenge. You can speak to yourself in the mirror, the other side responds to these other side and you just imagine. It's like an imitation of the other person, the other you. So before if we have such a situation, I think what you can do is you as a person without the influence of your partner or your friends, what do you stand for? Yeah. So you have to start from yourself, it's not just the external factors and then you can move forward. Now to tie that up because time is really not on our side, let me ask the final question. Let's say you have a friend who one time betrayed you. Wale kwa bia boyfriend ukiwa high school. Amma, you know they pitad with your girlfriend, someone you are catering and then they hit on them wakanza kudet. How can you move forward from that? Or even if maybe they created some conflict, you all went out, they said something to your partner, your partner got mad, you had some issue. Is it possible for you to take that as a friend? Or do you know that this person is really not a friend? How can you approach a situation like that? Yeah, once someone is a traitor, just know that in one way or another they did not have a good intentions for you. We say respect at times involves you walking away and making decisions that will make you to move forward. Yeah, as you have always said, it is a bad day. It is good to get to know people who are in your life. They are not bad people. It is only that they are not meant to be together with you. Even those people who are not your friends, it is not that they are bad people, no. It is only that you are not compatible. So they are not bad people. They are not enemies either. But it just means they cannot be within your circle. They cannot. I like that. And that's the perfect way to end the conversation. I think we've covered most ground on this conversation, although it's a very, very wide conversation. And I'm sorry because based on the responses that we've gotten, so many people do not trust their friends with their relationships. So I hope we can all take some of the lessons. The one thing I've gotten is you have to really know yourself and you have to apply wisdom with your friends and in your relationship. So that is the one thing I hope that you've taken away as well, apply wisdom, be able to assess situations, assess your friends, assess your partners and make wise decisions. So I think that is it. And I hope you've gotten something. I repeat for this show will happen tomorrow between one and two p.m. And we will be back next week with the yet another interesting conversation. So stick to Y254 and enjoy your evening.