 We're continuing our discussion on good mental health with our behavior expert and solutions focus life coach, Dr. Neil Maranello out of Woodstock, Vermont. I'm your host, Matt Kelly. We thank you for joining us today. Our topic for today's discussion is quality of life is the only variable that matters. And Neil, as I dive deep into this topic, into the title, you know, this really feels like it's a no brainer, but of course it's not in the forefront of mine or anybody else's mind. And yet it is more than likely a determining factor of virtually everything that I and humans do. Yes, yes, and as as I look at my tweets, I think that they basically are an attempt to figure out exactly who I am and what I do. And the process of defining what I actually do, I've worked out several different ways of describing it, but I guess that with regard to quality of life, I think the good daddy is the one that we began with. The thing that I think applies most to this particular subject is the concept of me being a professional friend. Professional, I would define as any area of expertise in which one is better now than one was a month ago, will be better a month from now than one is now, and will never be perfect. The friend aspect, a friend is also somebody who advises you in terms of what he or she thinks is best for you, regardless of whether you like it or not. The professional aspect also includes getting paid, which happens sometimes for me. The quality aspect, I think I tend to relate to two things about that. One is a couple of books came out in the 70s, one is called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I remember. Yeah, good. And the concept in that is that you find something to focus on that is an area that you want to improve your expertise in. It's just one area, and you keep working on it and you keep working on getting better at it. There are all kinds of areas that one decides not to be an expert at or that one couldn't be an expert at, even if one tried. But Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance tends to talk about, pick up one particular area that you really want to work on and become better at. The other book I thought of was a book called Sabumi, which is written by someone called Trevanian, which is a known diploma, but the point in both books is that getting better at one thing improves your quality of life. In Shibumi, for example, they have a character who, while he is dying, writes a note to a close friend of his in which he talks extensively about the amount of saffron which was in the last meal that he cooked, and it goes into great detail. And it's like saying, this is the way I want to be remembered for my expertise in cooking. So I guess that, from my point of view, quality is something that one searches for in one's life to define expertise. I want to shift a little bit, though, and actually bring it in in terms of suffering, if we will, human suffering. And particularly as it relates to drug abuse, because this was sort of where I was having a little difficulty with this addiction being an example. And yet that as I more and more think about it, it makes perfect sense in that if you are suffering, which is the human condition, that it stands to reason that you would seek out an alternative substance to try to relieve that suffering because quality of life is the only variable that matters. And so here you're trying to improve the quality of your life by reducing suffering, and that might explain addiction. Well, certainly if one is addicted to a particular substance, when you take that substance, you will feel better, at least for the moment. Although if you talk to people who have been addicts for a long period of time, after a while, the substance is just moving them towards some level of functioning, of normal functioning in their world. But again, the way I define an addict is somebody who can't follow his own rules. If you're taking a substance on a regular basis as prescribed, or even as not prescribed, but you take it at the same time every day in the same quantity, and it helps you to get in a state of mind which improves the previous state of mind you were in, then you only have to deal with the effects of the drug on you. I'm assuming it's a drug. And the simple reality is that all drugs have effects, ones you don't like or what they call the side effects. But if I'm taking speed because I want to stay up all night, it's a side effect that I don't eat, and I run off at the mouth. I'm taking speed because I have another purpose, such as staying awake or being able to talk or being able to take a test or something of that sort, and the other factors are the side effects. And the reality is, a drug is a drug, it has effects. And there are always side effects, there are always some effects that you don't want. But when it comes to addiction, I think the reality is that you can be addicted to any number of substances, whether legal or illegal, and it doesn't much matter if you're taking it in a way which helps improve your quality of life at the moment and in the long run. If you're taking it in a way that helps you improve your quality of life in the moment, but has a long-term negative effect on you, or you're not taking it as you yourself believe you should take it in a controlled way, then you're playing in a ballpark which has a set of rules that you're really not setting. For me, it came home and it was brought home to me with a recent overdose death of a very high-profile individual here recently, which is being kept quiet. And as I, again, try to understand how this individual could get to that point when they apparently had everything going for them, they had the looks, they had the talent, income. This topic, quality of life, is the only variable that matters, really opened up a whole new way to look at the self-medication this individual tried to undertake as a way to, I'm sure, just speaking from my own experience when I would abuse pot, that it was to get into an altered state of consciousness to reduce suffering and improve a quality of life. And yet, certainly from my own experience, it became a monkey on my back at some point, and I'm sure for this individual, it did as well. But perhaps that point that we're making here, the quality of life is the only variable that matters, might offer some insight to those who are suffering from the loss of this individual. Well, there are several factors in what you just brought up. Let's sort of take them one at a time. Referring to our past discussions, I would say that what we don't know is what was the inner world of that individual like. And if that individual were consulting me, that's what I would spend my time on. I've spent a lot of time with quite a few famous people. I guess Woodstock is a place where stars wind up coming for a short period of time. At any rate, for a while, I think I was identified as the shrink to see if you come to Woodstock. At any rate, getting inside the minds of people who are famous or rich or seem to have everything that everybody would want winds up turning up some not so pleasant things. As I look back on it, I'm not sure I would trade places with any of them. The thing that I have to deal with is the fact that that their stardom or their fame or their even their wealth. I've talked to people whose names you would recognize, who have been cover women or something of that sort. And it's distracting to me. I remember one woman, anybody would consider a 10 on a scale of 10. Once she smiled, I lost my train of thought. And I have to look away. And I remember saying to myself, gee, I have to not look directly at her or I won't be able to figure out what her problems are. It's an extremely tricky business figuring out what goes on inside someone's mind. But the name of the game is, from my point of view, understanding that there could always be what I call a Richard Corey aspect to it. I know whether you're familiar with that poem, but it's a poem about a man who is very rich and very famous and everybody admires him. And I think the last line is, then one day Richard Corey went home and put a bullet through his head. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that, you know, speaks to what we are putting on individuals from our own point of view as to maybe what we're lacking or what we imagine they must be living in their own life if they have looks, wealth, intellect, talent, et cetera, et cetera. And yet as I've explored your tweets, one of the things that struck me was that even rich people suffer lack of sense of self or can't remember what the tweet was, but I'm sure we'll get to it in a future podcast. But wealth is no guarantor of success or of happiness, good looks, neither talent, either. And I think again, certainly as I, you know, explore this and through our work together, the one constant is that life is suffering. Well, certainly that's a Buddhist principle. And I never thought of myself as a Buddhist, but when my daughter was asked to describe my spirituality by the minister at our church, she said, Oh, he's a Buddhist. I think it has to do with the fact that I spend a lot of time meditating. But it doesn't change the reality that it's not so much that suffering is a part of life as the way we look at it, the attitude that we have toward it. There's no way to get to life without suffering. But if you have a way of approaching it, a way of finding the best way to look at the particular experience that you're having at the moment, then at least you can say, Hey, I am doing the best I can, which, you know, both of these subjects are referring to previous podcasts that we've got. Which I love, which again, you know, all is very circular and all interconnected here. Yes. I, I, as you know, try to simplify things as much as possible. And I consider quality of life as being dependent on two variables, the two variables I call cocktail and attitude. cocktail refers to everything you do with your body and put into your body, which is really one of the hardest things to control. And yet, if one does get control of it, you know, you are doing everything that is right for you and to maintain your, your health, and you're functioning both mental and physical. So the cocktail includes the medications you're taking includes the food you're putting in your body, right? The exercise you're doing includes the, the ADLs that you have all the activities of daily living that you engage in. And the more consistent those are, usually the higher the quality of your life. And attitude is the thing, of course, that I spend most of my time on, which is basically getting your head in the right place to deal with whatever you have to deal with. And that includes understanding that all there is is now, but also understanding that if you're in touch with your soul, the past and the future come together in the now, and you have a good sense of what your soul would want you to do at this moment in time. And when you were talking about addictions, the obvious problem with being addicted to substances that make you feel better in the short run is that in the long run, they have a price take. Yeah. Yeah. You know, speaking, you know, just on a personal level here, over the holiday weekend, you know, I went into the tunnel of darkness, which you and I have talked about. And that even though I'm doing the best that I feel that I can, there are times that I will go into the tunnel of darkness. Unfortunate enough. When you were in that tunnel, were you aware of the fact that it was not a permanent state? Well, and so that was the benefit is that I was familiar enough with it, and through our work together, that I recognize that I was in the tunnel of darkness, and it only lasted for about a half a day and a night. And the next morning, I was out of the tunnel of darkness. And I'm so fortunate because the work that we have done for so long is that you're in my brain. And so what came up for me with the recognition that I was in the tunnel of darkness was a phrase that you've used many times with me, and here on this podcast as well, is that what can I do right now to make me feel better, and hopefully to not have it be an addiction that will do it. And so that was in my brain. But yet at the same time, I didn't feel like I necessarily could. And so what I did is I went to bed. And yet that was what was able to make me feel better because I was able to go to sleep and and wake up the next day, not in the tunnel of darkness. So that I just it was a success for me and and I wanted to share it with our audience. Yeah, to complete the sentences, what can I do right now that'll help me feel even just a little bit better about myself without harming others or myself? And the it sounds to me like you came up with the right answer. Yeah, what about going to bed basically says I'm turning the current moment over to my subconscious. And my subconscious is the part of me that solves my problems through dreams, through creating images. And in my experience, when someone goes to bed, it often does work to help you feel better. But there is a demarcation at the point where you're spending more than 12 hours a day in bed on a regular basis. You're moving into a physiological neuro vegetative depression. And that is something to watch out for. On the other hand, what you did sounds like it was exactly the right thing to do. You need to turn, turn yourself over to your subconscious, let your subconscious work through whatever issues needed to be worked through, and you woke up less than 12 hours later and were functional. Yeah, and was able to get back on the daily grind, so to speak, and to be fulfilled in whatever it was that I was feeling unfulfilled in the day before. They don't know what it was. Also, often we can figure it out. In my case, I have to figure it out. Right. In most cases, it's not necessary. In most cases, you have to recognize that there are going to be times when you feel lousy. That's part of the human condition. And the name of the game is survive it. Make sure you're not on the railroad tracks. Right, right. And I found joy again in things that I hadn't found joy in the day before. And you and I have spoken about this before that it could even just be astrological. And whether you believe in that or not, that was something that was going through my mind as well that, hey, this could just be astrological influences that are taking me into the tunnel of darkness. And it was that recognition internally that this is a temporary problem. And to not again think of it as a permanent problem that I needed to solve with an extreme action. Yes, I think that there are always forces that affect our state of mind that have nothing to do with us or that we can have no control over. And whatever you choose to believe in, if it enables you to accept the serenity prayer, recognize there's nothing I can do about this. And in your case, go to bed. Assume it was astrological or it might have been or might not have been. Part of the problem is that beliefs and science are always thought of as being at odds. The placebo effect and the nocebo effect are clearly scientific realities. When it comes to astrology, you talk to a scientist and he will say, according to astrology, when the child is born at the moment that they're born, the very second that they're born, and the influence of the stars on that child's birth are a major factor in the rest of that child's life. But a scientist will say, wait a minute, the gravitational pull of the doctor on the child is greater than the gravitational pull of all the stars and everything else. That's why I use the term scientific. There are ways of thinking that science is so great that it has to be believed no matter what. That doesn't change the fact that belief by itself is a major force that controls our state of being. And this comes back to the thought of predestination and is there in fact free will which are intertwined with all religions, Buddhism as well being one of them. Yeah, I used to get into an argument with my psychiatrist about free will. And of course, there's no way to prove or disprove it. So it's basically a philosophical and intellectual argument. My feeling is I'd rather assume that there's free will because it gives me options and I consider mental health to be directly proportional to the number of options you have. Wonderful. We're speaking with Dr. Neil Maranello. He's a behavior expert and solutions focused life coach out of Woodstock, Vermont, continuing our podcast series discussing good mental health. Our topic on today's discussion is quality of life is the only variable that matters. Neil, share some more about that fear room, if you will. Well, I think that the key variable here is attitude. In any situation, there is a right state of mind. There is a right way to think about it. No matter how dire the situation is, no matter how bad it is, there's a way of getting your head in the right place to deal with it. And that's what I seek. I'll never be able to get there in every situation, but I think I'm better at it now than I used to be and hopefully I'll be better at it in the future than I am now. And that is the definition of professional. That is the definition of quality of life. From my point of view, it's just working on something that you're never going to be perfect at, but you're improving. The concept of better is a very essential one from my perspective. My job is to help people get into a better state of mind to deal with whatever it is they have to deal with. And what they have in me, hopefully, is somebody who has explored so many different states of mind that it's fairly easy for me to touch on what's the right way to think about this? What's the right way to think about your situation right now? Wonderful. And I can, again, attest to that success. And I want to just offer this out to anyone who is watching. If you are someone you know is suffering through their human condition, whether it be through addiction or self-image issues or they're concerned about a loved one who may be going through something like this, someone like Dr. Neil Maranello is available and it's usually just a phone call away. And Neil, just speak to that and your availability if someone were to give you a call. Well, my basic intent is to be available from the time I get up in the morning until the time I go to bed at night, which is 3.30 a.m. to 8 o'clock at night. Unfortunately, my cell phone is with AT&T and sometimes calls don't get through to me. So what I say to my clients is if you call me and I don't get back to you within an hour, something's wrong. So please call again or text me or something of that sort so that I can be aware of that. The bottom line on it is that from my perspective, the most important thing for a shrink is to be available to his clients. People don't think in terms of, okay, I'm having a problem right now, but my next appointment with the doctor is next Thursday, so I'll hold on to that problem until then. I would rather that I get the call at the time that the problem is experienced and then there's a chance to deal with it at the moment. Otherwise, it's a matter of recreating the situation that may or may not exist later on. One of the problems with being a shrink is that it tends to be set up in favor of the doctor. Shrinks operate in terms of slots. So I have a 10 o'clock slot on Tuesday and I've just terminated with that client. So if you'd like that slot, it's available. If not, I'll go to the next person on my waiting list, which has been sitting there for six months. I believe in being available to a person at the time they need me in whatever way I can. Unfortunately, AT&T doesn't seem to agree with me all the time. I also think it's really important to recognize that, again, if life is suffering quite often in the course of our lives, we'll need someone such as yourself to help us return to right thinking and to help us process a life event. Yet there can be a stigma attached with seeking mental health counseling. That's one reason why I prefer my current title, which is Coach. I think that as we've explored in the past, I'm no better than anybody else. I just happen to be good at one or two things. I make that skill set available to anybody that chooses to take advantage of it. But you're right. There is a stigma attached to the concept being that whatever problems you have, you should deal with them yourself. That's not always possible, but you don't always have the available tools to deal with them yourself. One of the things I tell my clients is if I know somebody else that can do a better job of dealing with your problem, I'll tell you. I have no desire to extend the amount of time I spend talking to anybody. If someone wants to talk to me, that's great, but I don't want to talk to anybody that doesn't want to talk to me. I think it's important to note that you started out talking about your role, in a sense, being a professional friend or the good daddy. It's an important concept, really, to explore a little bit, because if you're having this issue speaking to a very good friend, maybe making vulnerable because you don't want to reveal something about yourself to this friend or to a family member, and both of those individuals may have a vested interest in a particular outcome or may be clouded in their viewpoint of you and of your situation so that in a sense may not help improve the quality of your life. Whereas you being a disinterested neutral party, so to speak, whose main objective is to help improve the quality of your life, that's an important distinction, I think, in your life coach, client relationship. Yes, even a person who loves you and wants what's best for you has to deal with the fact that what they think is best for you may be obfuscated by what they think is best for them or by their love for you, which always involves a certain amount of projection. Now, I'm as much of an open book as I can be. I tell people what I'm about and what my experiences are. I let them decide from that whether it applies to them or not, but there is nothing that I say to anybody that isn't meant to help them. When people consult me and assume that I'm some sort of a judgmental bad daddy, they just don't get me. Unfortunately, that can lead to a lot of testing. At my age, I'm getting a little sick of being tested. I just soon talk to the people who know that I'm coming out of a place where I want to help them and if I don't, I'm going to feel bad. Again, another component of your relationship, which I think is really important to mention with any client that you take on or counsel with or coached, rather, is the confidentiality aspect of it. Well, confidentiality is a very interesting concept and I do my best to observe it in every way possible. But as we talked about and the rules thing, there are circumstances in which confidentiality and the respect of confidentiality is likely to hurt people. So I don't break confidentiality easily, but I have broken it. There is a thing called HIPAA, the Health Information Patient Privacy Act, which is generally a very good rule in which all doctors and mental health people and other medical professionals have to follow. But there was a time when my older son went into a hospital and because he was over 21, I couldn't find out where he was because of HIPAA. And the doctor would have gotten in trouble if he had told me where my son was. I use HIPAA acceptable releases nearly all the time. In other words, if I have a client, I have them sign. They want me to talk to somebody who's a relative or a doctor. I have them sign a form that gives very specific instructions for what I can talk to them about and what I can. On the other hand, if I think somebody is going to wind up getting hurt in a serious physical way as a result of my keeping my mouth shut, I'm not going to keep my mouth shut. It's so interesting as you're sharing this. I see the context of our next discussion, which is one of your favorite topics, that all human systems are flawed. That will be the topic of our next discussion with Dr. Maranello. And what you've just spoken about right here is encapsulated perfectly, that here is a system that is meant for confidentiality and to protect both parties in essence. And yet at the same time, we can see how in fact it can go against someone's best interest. That's correct, yes. And any communication can be used for good or for not so good. Any communication can be used as a weapon as well as a beneficial method of helping people. And that judgment has to be made hopefully by someone as objective a way as possible and by somebody applying the Serenity Prayer as much as possible. The truth is that I absolutely hate having to break rules, but that doesn't mean that I won't do it. We're discussing good mental health with Dr. Neal Maranello. You can find him and follow him on Twitter at coach Dr. Neal. Our topic for today's discussion is quality of life is the only variable that matters. Neal, why don't you wrap up for us and give us some final thoughts on the idea behind this statement? Well, I believe that quality of life depends more on how you think about things than anything else. And I believe there is a way of thinking about any situation, no matter how dire, no matter how bad it seems, that at least gives you the satisfaction of knowing you're in the right state of mind about it. When you have that thought to yourself, I'm doing the best I can. I'm in the right state of mind to deal with this situation. And all I need to do at this point is blah, blah, blah. And whatever that blah, blah, blah is, you do it. Then you're observing this principle that you're maximizing the quality of your life, regardless of the circumstances that you have no control over. We invite you to join us for our next discussion, which again, the topic will be all human systems are flawed. On behalf of our good doctor, I'm Matt Kelly. We're both wishing you good mental health.