 We invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Si Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Lash, with Alan Reed as the squalorist. When Luigi Vasco left Italy to start his new life in America, he promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Vasco in Italy. Dear Mamma Mia! There's one thing I'm going to notice about the Americans. They're crazy about sports. In all the news and papers of today, all you're going to see is the stories about the Yale ball, the Rosa ball, the Captain a ball. Just to think, Mamma Mia, they build all these places special for people who's alike to ball. That's a very big thing about the American, Mamma Mia. Always, he's alike to play games. To show you how much of people here they're crazy about their country, they even name a very popular game after the government of those things. Is it called post office? You know something, Mamma Mia? In this country, everybody is a play game, even unemployed people. In Brooklyn, they got a special organization for people who don't know how to work. Is it called the Brooklyn of Bums? And the right to know in America is a big thing. The football season. This is a football game. It's like a war, only rough. But Mamma Mia, I'm a wish I could have played football. Because in America, that's a short cut for citizenship. I'm going to read to some place, if you play very good football and you're far enough, they're making you all American. Even though I'm not understanding a lot of things about this football game, someday I'm going to go and see one just like a real American. Mamma Mia, I'm going to finish this a little later. It's getting late and I'm going to go to my night to school at class. America, I love you. You like the papa to me. It's a promotional tour. Alright class, quiet, quiet. I'll call the roll. Mr. Basco? Here. Mr. Harwick? Here. Mr. Olson? Here. Mr. Schultz? I object. Mr. Schultz, why do you object? Because you always call me last. What am I, a stepchild? Black sheep? A rotten herring in the barrels? Mr. Schultz, don't be silly. I call the roll alphabetically. If you were Mr. Basco, you'd be first. And if Mr. Basco were you, he'd be last. That could never be, Miss Spaulding. Our clothes don't fit each other. Oh, thank you, fellow boobles. I'm so lovable. Alright class, let's begin our lesson. Now today we had a geography lesson to prepare and I hope you've all studied. Mr. Horowitz, can you tell us the area of the United States in square miles? With pleasure. The United States has 2,022,387 square miles. Is that correct? Well, you left out a million square miles. Himmler, Horowitz just chased Texas out of the Union. Miss Spaulding, I would like to clear off the situation. The area of the United States is 3,022,387 square miles. Also, I can inform you that the distance from New York to Chicago is 851 miles and from Chicago to Los Angeles 2,175 miles. There he goes, Sweden's answer to the roadmap. Oh, please, Mr. Schultz. Mr. Basko, you're rather quiet tonight. Now suppose you try naming the eight great rivers of the United States. Colorado, and Hudson, Delaware, the Potomac, Ohio, the Columbia, the Missouri. How much more you want? Two more. You take one maybe? Two more rivers, Mr. Basko. Well, Colorado River. Good. Now one more. I'll give you a hint. Mrs. Missive? It's a marriage. Miss Spaulding, may I step in? If he names that river, I hope he falls in. All right, go on, Mr. Olsen. There must be Mrs. Ittbe river. That's very good, Mr. Olsen. Now, Mr. Horowitz, can you tell us how many great lakes there are? High. Mr. Basko, you name them. One, two, three, four, five. No, no, name them. Oh, name them. Uh, like, superior, like, uh... You're on. Huh? You're on. I'm on a what? Mr. Basko, your mind's far away somewhere I can tell. Now, is something troubling you? Well, Miss Spaulding, it isn't no trouble. I was just thinking about the football. Football? I was thinking maybe this Saturday, if I'ma can afford it, I'ma go see a footballer game like a real American. Oh, Lovigia, what a coincidence. I have two tickets to the football game this Saturday which I can't use, and you can have them. Oh, thank you, Olsen. That's so wonderful. Now I'ma go see my first football game. Mr. Basko, it's going to be a great game. Notre Dame and Michigan State. But there's one catch, Lovigia. I was supposed to take my niece, Martha, but I can't make it, and you will have to take it. How am I going to take your niece, Martha? That's the catch? You're all Lovigia, but oh, she's real pretty. She has beautiful blue eyes, and she weighs about 116 pounds. Lovigia, you'll go. That's a catch you don't throw back in the lake. Lovigia, Lovigia, wait for me. Oh, hello, Schultz. Oh, listen to me. I feel like a shittin' that's got one cockle left in the coop. Lovigia, I saw how nervous you got when Olsen was talking about his niece, Martha, so I just wanted to cheer you up. Thanks, Schultz. Oh, believe me, you got nothing to worry about. All the American girls, they are alike. It's a cinch to make them happy. Just give them what they want. You know what they want, Schultz? Everything. Oh, Lovigia, Schmal, don't worry about it. The American girl is not a selfish type. Just give her a yacht, a mean coat, two cars, and a swimming pool, and she'll be perfectly willing to struggle through life with you. Mother Schultz, what if I'm not going to give these things to an American girl? So what's wrong with the Czechoslovakian? Schmal, Lovigia, you'll make a wonderful impression on Martha. But Schultz, you're making me feel much better already. I'm not going to do it just like you say. That's right, Lovigia. And she'll be like me. Always lovely. My womanism is killing me. Luigi, my friend. Luigi, hello, hello. Hello, my girlie. Luigi, guess who was it just to ask it for you? Who? Ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm going to give you a hint. It's a girl. She's a-related to me. She's a-built to nice and chubby like you like and damn it. She's crazy for you. Can you guess who I'm talking about? What kind of first initial is I? I know, it's a rosa. Hey, wait, are you supposed to guess? No, but, please, please, there's no rosa to talk to. Why not? You want to be always a bachelor? Luigi, insurance accompanies a figure as a show that in a marriage, for every man, it's got to be one woman. That's the sadistics. But Pascuali, I entered the only bachelor in America. As far as the roses, you can say who you are. Luigi, what right do you have to act so stubborn? Do you think any other girl is going to go out with you? I'm going to think so. Pascuali, see, these are two-foot-a-ball tickets. It's for this Saturday. Not to the day my boys are going to play with them as you're going to state the boys. And I'm going to take an Olsen's and these Marta. Oh, so you ain't even married to my little girl and already you're committing a bigamy. That's not a bigamy. Oh, no, how much is a rosa weight? 250 pounds. That's not a small of me, that's a bigamy. All right, Luigi, go ahead and now in your lesson, it's about time I let you test yourself. Have your fling, but one thing you've got to promise me. What? If this Marta girl, she's going to get a disgust at it with you, you've got to come back at the rosa and settle down in the holy bonds of a deadlock. Have I started you mean a wedlock? When the roses are got to you, is there going to be a headlock? Are you telling me what I made? Well, is it bargaining, Luigi? Oh, Pasquale, the whole thing is so silly. Marta ain't going to be disgusted with me. That's not a Luigi, are you afraid? All right, Pasquale, it's a bargain. Good, and now let me see them football picks. All right. Section five, six to six, that's not too bad. Do you think I'm going to enjoy it, Pasquale? Well, sure, little banana nose. Sure, you're going to have a good time. Look, Luigi, I've been to a lot of football games, so let me give you a little tip. You're going to a college of football games, so you've got to act like a college man. Important thing is, you've got to know how to yell. Let me hear you yell. Oh, no, no. It's a special of football to yell. For instance, when you're watching the Rams, you yell it like this. Now, when you're watching the Redskins, you go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You know where you're going to be, the people around you is all going to yell, yay, a Michigan. You've got to do that, too. Now, let me hear you yell, a yay, a Michigan. Yay, a Michigan. The way you've got to yell aloud or they're going to stick you in the laryngitis section. Now, come on, a yay, a Michigan. Yay, a Michigan. Again, a louder. Yay, a Michigan. Ah, it's a fine, a Luigi. All right, then I'll go, go. All right, then let's go in and thanks it for your elevators. That's all right. Yay, a Michigan. Wait till he finds out he's a sifting with a note today of a section. Well, the second act of Luigi Vasco's Adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. And so my man is a Saturday now, and as soon as I'm going to go to meet this and take her to my first footballer game, I'm going to feel so excited. Just like Mrs. Tarantella's chicken at Calate is a felt when she was introduced to a chicken at Giuseppe. She's got a so excited, so nervous, so mixed up for three days that she's a lay, nothing but a scrambled egg. Anyway, anyway, I was a practice in a holiday. Yay, a Michigan. When he needs to come to Pasquale. Hello Pasquale. Yay, Luigi. I heard you, Luigi. You sounded very good. Very good. Thank you, Pasquale. Luigi, we was making a little bargain before if a martyr was to throw you over, you come back to Rosa. Well, I don't want you to get the short end of the day. What do you mean, Pasquale? Well, I'm a martyr, you should make a good impression on a martyr, so I'm going to teach you a few things about football. Oh, thank you, Pasquale. You know all about the footballer? Do I know about... I'm the best player in the neighborhood. Ask anybody in the block they can hardly wait for Pasquale to kick off. Luigi, first and the most important thing you've got to remember about a football team, Luigi, there's a 14 a man on each side. Pasquale, I'm afraid it was only 11. Well, that's enough to count to the coach and the referee and the water boy. Of course, an offensive of colleges are like a Harvard. They ain't got a water boy. They got a cocoa boy. Now, listen and align. The main idea in a football is it to win. If you don't win, that's a call to lose. Am I talking too technical a field? Let's pause here on KNX. Attention, fans of Oltime Radio. Call now and get the greatest Oltime Radio shows of the 20th century as selected by Walter Cronkite raising $20 off the $59.98 catalog price. 60 programs and 20 cassettes are written in audio forward by Walter Cronkite and a booklet with rare photographs and show histories. Order now. 1-800-RADIO-48. That's 1-800-723-4648. Now back to Life with Luigi on KNX. It's explained by the players on the team. A team is like a loaf of bread and both sides is the ends. And then they've got a block, a pocket, a center, and one man, he's a watch everybody like a trustee. He's a call to the guard. That's a very interesting first quality. Now what the kinds of players is it a quarterback to the half a back and the things like that? You're stupid, a boob. That's no players. Here, I explain to you. Say you pay a dollar to see the game. If it's a drizzly, you get a quarterback. If it's a rain of hard, you get a half a back. Do you know what's to happen if it's a snow? You stay home and watch the television. Hello, Pascuali, you got no idea how much I'm appreciated what you teach you. Well, I'm glad to hear you say that to Luigi because what I'm going to teach you, you can learn in no place else. Now, to show you how fair I'm going to be as it regards our little bargain, in America you've got to dress especially for a football game. I'm going to lend you everything you need. Oh, you're so good at doing it, Pascuali. Now, come along with me, little punk in the head. I'm going to lend you my raccoon coat, my ukulele, and a little beanie cap filled with a dewy button. Pascuali, you think Amarte is going to like me in all of this? Like you, Luigi, take my wire. She's going to go crazy. I told you before. I'm sorry, Martha, I'm a keeper for getting it. Oh, everybody keeps looking at us when you yell for Michigan. We're sitting with Notre Dame, so cheer for Notre Dame. But I'm only practice for Michigan. Oh, yes, you told me. You certainly know a lot about football. Fourteen men. I'm sorry, Martha. Oh, that Pascuali's really fixin' me good. Never mind. Luigi, will you get me a pop? A what? I said, will you get me a pop? Oh, poor little girl. You ain't to get to know Father. Look at Martha. Oh, one of those, Luigi. Oh, sure, sure. Hey, boy, over here. Wait, wait, wait. I'll get up. Here, Martha. Oh, thank you, Luigi. Come on, Notre Dame. Everybody's a get-a-side-a-side. Come on, Notre Dame. You've got to make it. There's a beautiful homerun. Wait, wait. Here, boy. Two-hack-of-dogs, please. There's a new plan. I'm a-side-a. I'm a-side-a, mister. Here, here, boy. Here's my 20 cents, sir. Right. Hey, watch out. Oh, I'm a-side-a, Marty. He's all over your dress. Oh, it's all right. That's a little mustard. Wait, wait. I'm gonna wipe it off away from my... Oh, Luigi, you spilled the pop all over me. It's all right. I'll buy you another one. You've been stealing and dropping things all afternoon. If you only took off that ridiculous raccoon coat and put down that ukulele, you wouldn't be so clumsy. You don't like the raccoon coat and the ukulele? Oh, and that ridiculous beanie. Everybody in the stadium keeps staring at us. All right. I'm gonna take off the coat and I have to... Sorry, mister. Oh, never mind. You're freeze to death. You might as well wear the coat. Oh, no. It's like Michigan's happened. Oh, get him. Somebody catch him. You and I should have caught him. Oh, no. Michigan's ahead now, seven to six. It's the end of the first half. Oh, this is terrible. Come on. If you want those and not three dames, you should have won, huh? Oh, they must win. I'll just die if they don't. You're gonna want them? I'll just die. Come on, Mami. I'm gonna do something right and I'll wait. Wait to hear it, Martha. I'm gonna run the right to down it. Jesus, I'm in trouble. The back is shown to Martha. Martha, don't worry. I'm gonna come back. Come on, Mami. I hope I'm running too late. Excuse me, lady. Here's the least I'm gonna do for her. Excuse me, mister. Before I pipe that raccoon coat. Excuse me, please. I hear it. Please. Please, mister. I'd like you to go in the side there. I'm sorry. Only players are allowed inside the locker room. Please. There's a life and a death. I'm a gut to speak to the boys. Life and death? Well, okay. A fine bunch of football players you guys turned out to be. You, Stanislavski. You carried that ball like it was a horse's neck. And Chattacowsky. You tackle that guard so gently I thought you'd both be engaged by the time you hit the ground. What's the matter with you babies anyway? Didn't you get enough sleep last night? Please, sir. Maybe they could use a little napper for 15 minutes. Who's this polar bear? It's a raccoon. Please, sir. You boys are must the winner of the game. I'ma spill the mustard all over her dress in a cocktail. Oh, no. Who's the dress? Come on. She's the girl I'm about to hit. Here. She's in the showers? No, she's upstairs. Who the heck am I talking to? Get this sea lion out of here. Now let me tell you guys, if you don't snap out of it and hold those punks, you'll see plenty of fireworks tomorrow. You wanna mix up tomorrow ain't the 4th of July? You shut up. Oh, what a team. What a team. If I only had a quarter back, one quarter back, or two hands. If you wanna shoot her out and get her changing from a dollar, I'ma go right to that. Will you shut up? Please. Please, I'ma want the Notre Dame to shoot a winner. Throw them out of here. Get out of the portion. Notre Dame's. Do me a bit of favor. Please win. Out. Mr. Pleaser, you're telling me where they throw me out. All I'm asking them is, Notre Dame should have won. You were in the Michigan locker room. She's the winner. Hey, Luigi. What are you doing here? Oh, it's a little surprise, Luigi. I'ma remember you see the numbers, so I thought I would go down here and see the game with you. Nice you gave, Luigi. Yeah, I would have been here for nothing for you. Hey, Pasquale, what's your girl to sit in here? You see her sometimes. You mean a pretty little girl in a browned coat, a little greener hat with a long feather and a nice blue eye? Yeah, yeah. No, I didn't say it. Mr. Pleaser, stop the joke. Oh, yes. I must see this a girl, Luigi. She was a run out of the stadium telling everybody how certain her fellas would make a fool out of her. Well, Luigi, she's a lefty of you. You remember a little bargain with a rosa? Yes, Pasquale. Oh, wait a second, Luigi. That's not the fair. We shouldn't think about it as no bargain as a rosa. You're right, Pasquale. Rosa is a no bargain. That's a funny thing. When I'm going to say it, it's a come out of there for it. Well, anyway, Luigi, you look like you need a little cheering up and I've got a juice to the tonic for you. Rosa. Rosa. Rosa. My little gold post. Rosa. Say hello to Luigi. Hello, Rosa. Oh, come on, Luigi. Smile to your bride-to-be. I remember when I was the first... Luigi, I've been looking all over for you. Oh, I'm so glad you came back. When you left before, I realized how terribly I'd acted to you. Will you forgive me? Sure, my friend. Oh, Luigi, look. She's going for a touchdown. Come on, Notre Dame. Well, Luigi, where's she looking? Hey, Pasquale, maybe you see better if you stand up for here. Right in front of the bathroom man. All right. Hey, who's to throw this a hot dog into my face? I told you to sit down and talk! Come on, Maria. I'm going to throw my first footballer game and it was a wonderful experience for me. Later, I'm going to take a mart to a movie. Then we stop off for a coffee and a cake. I'm riding home in a streetcar by her ice cream cone and from $3, I still got $2.12 left. It was almost a midnight when I was standing with her in a hallway and she just said that. Thank you, Luigi, for a perfect day. It was a perfect for me too, my dad. Well, goodnight, Luigi. Goodnight, my dad. Luigi. Didn't you forget something? No. No, I'm a gut to my trolley transfer into my pocket. Oh, silly. Come here. All right. Luigi, do you like my perfume? Oh, he's wonderful. You like to smell my aftershave or shave? Yesterday was my birthday and my friends all kissed me. Uh, you weren't there. Well, I'm not going to wait to 364 days. Well, if I'm with me, I'm going to do it pretty good and I'm going to have to buy you a mink coat. You're loving to send Luigi Basko to a little immigrant. Seems to be at the same time over most of these stations when Luigi Basko writes another letter to his mama Basko describing his adventures in America. Life with Luigi is a Cy Howard production and is written by Mack Benhoff and Lou Derman and directed by Mack Benhoff. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Basko with Alan Reed as Pasquale, Hans Connery de Schultz, Mary Schiff as Miss Balding, Jody Gilbert as Rosa, Joe Forte as Horowitz and Ken Peters as Olson. Welcome to the direction of Love-Guskin, Bob Stephenson speaking.