 Welcome everybody to the mindset mentor podcast. I'm your host Rob dial and I'm extremely excited for today's podcast episode To give you guys an idea this episode We are fourteen hundred episodes into this podcast almost all of them solo podcast Seven and a half years, and I've had thousands upon thousands of emails and Facebook messages and Instagram messages of like Hey, can you just somehow get Tony Robbins on your podcast? And we after fourteen hundred podcast episodes getting into the top fifty podcasts in the entire world We have Tony Robbins everybody. So Tony welcome to the mindset mentor podcast. Thank you Robin. Congratulations. Oh, you've done this fantastic Thank you. I appreciate that. I Wanted I've ended I want to talk about you because We have very similar past we've had different traumas and in childhoods But kind of brought us to the same place of wanting to help people and so When I was 13 years old, I remember you in my mom's car and she was listening to tapes and I was like this I remember in my head being like who are you listening to and she's like I'm listening It's guy named Anthony Robbins and I remember being like this is the corniest thing I've ever heard Like I remember thinking this in my head as a 13-year-old then 19 You know, I go through things in my my childhood my father passed away when I was 15 for being alcoholic And I discovered you or rediscovered you I discovered you I guess in my own way And I sold cut-co knives and they started pushing personal development and personal development So I started getting all of your books I started getting all of your tapes and starting like using it and realized oh my gosh this this trauma that I have for my childhood That's kind of staying these things I've got from my father and him being alcoholic and passing away I can actually start to try to fix myself and it was really empowering, you know, not having money Not being able to go to a therapist But thinking I can actually work on myself and help myself and Through that trauma, then I started falling in love with teaching people what helped helped me Like I felt obligated to start this podcast because there were things that I felt helped me with my trauma and I know you have a similar story where your trauma I think was kind of the catalyst to be able to do what you do And so I'm curious if you could share with everybody like if we go back How does Tony Robbins who's been doing this for 40 years become Tony Robbins? What did it look like in the beginning for you? Well, I just I always love people. I don't know what what it is I have an affection for human beings and you know, my mom would send me the grocery store My mom was a very interesting creature. I had four different fathers But got to my fourth father said mom. I'm confused And my mom never left the house She was we had to live in a little 1200 square foot of house with three kids and my father's lived in the living room She had her own little separate bedrooms. She's very unique human being but it really made me Become independent because I had to go to the grocery store since the time I was six seven years old on my bicycle I'm by the goodies and come back and make the meal and made me a very responsible person But also my mom unfortunately used drugs and alcohol prescription drugs and alcohol Then the mix was not very good and she got very violent And so I had to protect my younger brother and sister five and seven years younger And so I became basically a really good practical psychologist I had to learn how to manage her emotions in her states and everything else because if I didn't it got pretty extreme And when I was 17 it hit its peak. She chased me out with a carving knife I knew she wouldn't kill me, but I wasn't going back in that building You know, she said I lied and I didn't lie and she poured liquid soap down my throat till I threw up and You know smashed my head against the law. I was already six foot one I you know as five one in high school and I grew ten inches really skinny But she made me bend down and smashed my head against the wall and I would let her Because it was just that's that's where it came from. So it made me just really hungry to understand what makes people do what they do how do you help people to shift and At a very early age, I started laying out what I was gonna do with my life when I was 15 I was like, okay, you know in my 20s I'm gonna learn how to help anyone change anything in their life starting with me and no matter if they're committed And I'm committed I want to be and though I could help anyone no matter what the challenge may be I want to learn every skill I possibly can and then in my 30s I'll learn to do that with a couple people at a time and in my 40s Maybe I can do with large groups in my 50s like really large groups and then my 60s You know, I'll either do something in the political environment to serve or I'll do something in the philanthropic environment But I I'll have lived enough of a life that I can really influence people from a different place And so fortunately I've been a kind of ahead of that schedule most of my life now. I'm in my 60s I'm 62 gonna be 63 soon But you know, I've been doing this for 45 years and 45 years of obsession with how do you improve the quality of life? Because I just I live to see people get out of suffering and really enjoy their life. That's what makes me go I don't have to work another day on my life. Obviously financially, but I work harder today than I did, you know When I was in my 20s and 30s and so it's really really fulfilling to say the least But I think we all go through stages and I think it's important that if someone's gonna be successful in anything There's three patterns. You've got to really recognize pattern recognition is power and so the ability to recognize patterns where things that look like chaos to everybody else like looks like I'm You know destroying myself or I'm not following through and people make these generalizations because they don't understand how human behavior And how the human mind works what you understand There's only so many patterns you can start to identify a pattern and then the second step is to start to use it Instead of letting it use you stress as a pattern you either use stress or it uses you as an example And then you get really good you good at creating patterns and that's when become really masterful So if you see someone who's masterful in anything, they're great at picking stocks They they're great at pattern recognition. They know how to use it and they know how to even out of crate patterns You see somebody who's a great musician or great entertainer or singer They know the way to use their face their voice their body certain patterns produce certain results And they've done it so powerfully for so long with so many different types environments that they're masterful at it So I look at my own life and I said that's what I want to continually do and it's a never-ending process of saying How do I keep pushing myself? How do I do what I call deep practice deep practice is practicing without a net? You know most of my skill happened because I get the phone call and the child is suicidal I got to do something right now or the adults or I've got you know, you know an athlete and they're burning down a national television I remember the first time Serena Williams years ago and her sister was killed and she couldn't get on the court And I got to help turn her around, you know, and I got to do it right now the whole world's watching So I don't do it. Well, we're in deep trouble. I got challenges Or you know, I get a phone call from the president States true story He says Tony, they're gonna impeach me in the morning. What should I do and You know president Clinton. I'm like well, I'm 31 years old and it's tomorrow morning. Could you call me sooner? You know, it's like this is ridiculous. So but because I had to produce results right then and there I got good at it I wasn't perfect, but I got really good at it And I developed enough patterns now that I can help just about anybody with anything We just did a wonderful study at Stanford. They approached me this last year during COVID and They had a couple of people that went to my date with destiny seminar that had been clinically depressed They came out with no depression symptoms. They said, this is miraculous You know, what kind of data do you have and I said well I've got thousands tens of thousands hundreds of thousands of testimonials, but you know, no one's ever studied it So they decided to study it and they shared with me that to give you an idea with that Let's just take depression people go through different stages of life right in your, you know Birth to 20 is one stage of life Right and everyone has a different stage, but you're primarily receiving information learning growing 21 to let's say 41 is you're the soldier of society Now you go test what you were taught You think you're invincible, you're going to be a billionaire 10 times over You're going to have 10,000 businesses And then you learn things are more complex in one relationship than you could ever imagine And you're not invincible And so you learn in that time period and that's a time period of a lot of stress for a lot of people Trying to figure out how to make it work If you work hard in the spring and the summer so to speak And now you come to fall 43 to 63 That's a power period Because you've accumulated enough relationships, insights, strengths, skills, tools If you've grown That you now can really begin to have a reaping time in your life And then 63 to 83 or 103 the oldest livings people go to 120 is kind of The final stage in that winter time is your chance to really be a mentor Because at that stage Right frankly you don't give a shit about most of the stuff you gave a shit about You don't worry about yourself, you're not judging yourself so much You know who the hell you are And you really would just want to pass on what you've learned from your life Because you lived enough life experience So everybody's life isn't identical But we all go through these stages And it's easy to get depressed When your world doesn't match the way you thought it's supposed to be And when the world changes like a COVID And all of a sudden you can't leave your house This makes people lose what's called a compelling future Anyone can deal with a difficult today if they've got a compelling tomorrow But most people have lost that compelling future When they're being told the whole world's going to end in 12 years Because environmental disaster, which of course is not true Or you're never going to be able to leave your house Or you've got to wear a mask the rest of your life And you can't talk to humans And a bug's going to get you and kill you Well when there's that much fear There's no compelling future People go through a rough time So during COVID they said This would be a great time Because what the research and meta-studies show around depression Is it went through the roof Suicides went through the roof They still are unfortunately And the reason is because there's that no compelling future So they said look the best research we found Meta-studies across all the studies shows 40% of people that seek treatment actually get better 60% don't get better at all And of the 40% doing, you know, SSRIs, drugs and therapy They on average get 50% better So they're half as depressed Now some people get totally well Some not at all But that's the average I said well that's not much better than a placebo They said you're right And they said the greatest study on This happened two years ago on depression It was done at Johns Hopkins Where they took people And they gave them psilocybin magic mushrooms And they gave them cognitive therapy for a month And the results were four times greater Than they ever saw 53% of the people 30 days later had no symptoms of depression There's been nothing like it But it's an illegal drug And it takes a month of drugging and counseling to do that So they used them as the standard They used the exact same format Comparative groups that were doing journaling You know, gratitude journaling and so forth To a group of mine that went through date with Destiny And the results were so insane That Stanford didn't publish it right away They took the raw data and sent it To two other private organizations Who had no idea whose content it was And it came out the same 100% of the people 30 days later Had no symptoms of depression They'd never seen anything like it No drugs, no alcohol, six days And then the second part was nice Was 19% of those people had suicidal ideation And at the end there was zero With suicidal ideation So they just started a new study For 750 people It'll be the largest study of its type ever And it just works When you change the way you perceive life You change the emotions You change your experience of life I always tell people You don't experience life You experience the life you focus on So if you're pissed off You're only focused on things that could piss you off You're deleting all the things You could be grateful for or loving If you're really happy You're deleting all things that could piss you off And so what's wrong is always available So it's what's right So it's developing habits Of what you value What you believe And the rules that drive you That really helps people to create lasting change And a year later 11 months later they followed up And people still had changed 51% increase in positive emotions 72% decrease in negative emotions All just published in the journal Psychiatry Nice, that was actually one of the big questions That I had for you I was really curious on was Suicide and being the fact that The past couple years The mental health epidemic was not good before COVID And it seems like the crisis hotline Is getting three times more calls Than it ever has the past two years And I've been to your UPW I've been to your seminars before And I've heard you say it many times Is that you've dealt with many people Who have suicidal ideation And never lost anybody at this point Do you feel like the main thing Is that like you're saying That they don't have a compelling future Of something that excites them There's no I guess light at the end of the tunnel You know it's like the phrase When you're going through hell keep on going You know it's like Is it kind of that people stop And they just look around And they say this is how it is It's going to be forever And that one of the keys is to actually So there's people listening that are struggling And they've probably thought about it recently Right For them would it be There needs to be something to look forward to Is that the There's many parts But is that the main thing Where you're just like I want to give them a compelling future To get them excited to live tomorrow That's certainly one of the things Because anybody can deal with as I said A tough today if they have a compelling tomorrow But getting people to that point Requires a biochemical change Not a biochemical change like SSRIs I'm sure you saw the cover of Newsweek Just showed that They've done meta studies that show SSRIs don't work They that's not the source of depression People talk better living through chemistry And it doesn't work And so But they're still selling them Right It's still probably because people don't know The alternative to that The answer is a little bit deeper than that It's you know People get into what's called learned helplessness Learned helplessness is You know you can take a dog or a monkey And I don't support this But researchers do it And they'll put them in a room And it's got four squares And it has a little net in the middle Like a little tennis net so to speak And there's a red square There's a green square A yellow square You know and what happens is The animal goes in And lands on one of the squares Let's say it's the green square Well they immediately electrify So the animal's getting these shocks He doesn't know what the hell to do It bounces around and all of a sudden It gets to the square next to it And it stops So the square next to it Is yellows Like oh all right thank god So they bring the animal back And now they electrify the yellow square And the green square Well the animal goes crazy And the last ditch effort It jumps over the net And it lands on a colored square A different color And it's no pain It's okay So next time you let them ruin They just jump over the net Then they electrify the third square And you know where this is going Eventually electrify all four squares What happens when you get pain No matter what you do Well you go into learned helplessness The animal will start to sit in the corner Bite itself and defecate on itself Whether it's a monkey or a dog Now the good news is You're not a dog You're not a monkey We can supersede that But most people get caught up In that learned helplessness And today the news is no longer Designed to inform us The news is designed to startle you Because the only way to get paid Is to get your attention We're not an in information society That died a long time ago There's too much information We're drowning in information We're starving for wisdom So today if I get the right cook I get you to click I get paid even if the article Doesn't match the headline If I can say You know your child may die Drinking water, film at 11 You're gonna probably tune in You know if it bleeds it leads That's journalism unfortunately today And the journalists are not bad people I don't know how much journalists They are anymore It's because it's more business Right They're all trying to get our eyeballs And they're all competing And they're all competing for a shrinking market Because there's so many different competing things For us to focus on And so now you're in a place Where most of what's coming at you Is designed to appeal to the negative bias Of the human brain The survival mechanism And so that's why Most people get overwhelmed So they hear all these stories And now these last couple of years The stories have been really scary for people Like we're all gonna die If it's like you breathe on somebody And so now what could possibly be compelling So it's not enough to paint The compelling picture You have to shift their body You have to shift the way they're They're using their body If I said to you there was a depressed person Behind curtain number one And I'll give you a hundred thousand dollar donation To your favorite charity If you can describe their posture I bet you can do it What's their posture like If they're depressed They're slumped over They're probably breathing really heavy Really really light and short You know their voice is probably low And you know they're speaking really slow They're slow, shoulders down Slumped, shallow breath Now how do you know that Because we've all practiced this shit At some point in ourselves, right And felt that way But if you take that same person And you change their physiology You bring their shoulders back You change the tempo of which they're speaking You change how their voice is You change their movements With punctuated movements That person's biochemistry changes You don't need a drug to do it And has no side effects And then when you develop a habit Of using your body that way Then all of a sudden You have the habit of perceiving life differently So what I do with people In my immersion seminars They're designed to immerse people They're not sitting and someone talking at you And you've been to one You know what I'm talking about It is a like going to a rock and roll concert Because there's constant change movement and emotion Because information without emotion is not retained If I said where were you on a 9-11 Even if you live in another country Most people can tell you where they were Where they were standing Who was around them If I say where were you on 8-11 Nobody knows unless something emotional happened Because information without emotion Is barely retained So I produce tremendous environments Of positive emotion While people are making these changes So they change the conditioning of their nervous system That's why a year later You know Stanford study shows 70% decrease in negative emotions 50% increase in positive A year later After one weekend Six-day program to give you an idea So it's really changing the conditioning If we can find the part of you There's a part of your identity That's more than the things that you can limit yourself There's a part of you That's more than anything that's ever happened to you Or could happen to you There's a part of you that is left called soul or spirit It's something that nothing can destroy If we get you to tap into that aspect of identity We can create a compelling future But otherwise we're just making pictures And you're not going to believe it You're just going to go, oh yeah, yeah, it's all bullshit Right So that's why we put people through an experience That goes 10, 12, 14 hours a day For three or four days Because it's kind of like If I want to learn Italian I can go to class in high school and college And five years later most people don't speak it But if I dropped you in Italy for 90 days With no teacher 90 days later You're going to be speaking Because we put you in immersion So everything I do is immersion Because that's how the brain really learns In a way that's lasting Yeah, the biggest thing that I Like there's many things I took away from being at UPW But one of the biggest things, if not the biggest Was how on command we can create energy in our body Like it's wild I remember like the third day It was like 13 hours in It's like two o'clock in the morning And I'm like, how the fuck am I still dancing? Like how is there so much energy in this room? And it was really, really inspiring Because there's so many people that just They don't think they have enough energy throughout Oh, I'm so tired And then they have this story that's in their head Tired, just think of it this way If you've got the greatest computer in the world And you plug it in, there's not enough electricity It's not going to work right Well, tired is the first step To being depressed for most people And most people are tired Not because they're working so hard Like, oh man, I worked so hard today You know, what'd you do? I had meeting after meeting You know, I sat in these meetings You know, and I talked to people Or I make calls or I send emails And they're like, I'm exhausted I mean, what's happened is We haven't pushed ourselves physiologically For so long that we've gotten weaker and weaker And so we feel tired from doing nothing And so what you learn And when you go through a weekend like that Is holy shit There is a level of energy on command That's available to me That no one you never believe But by being in the environment Over and over again You learn it's real And you learn to use it And when there's enough energy Anything, everything else works better Your relationship is not going to be great No matter what tools you have If you're tired Because you're going to go love you Love you, you know There's no passion There's no aliveness, right? You're not going to grow your business When you're tired So a huge part of what I teach Even in Unleashed Power Within UPW, by the way, for people not vendors Called Unleashed the Power Within It's a weekend And on the fourth day It's all energy It's all about the things you do With your health and vitality So you sustain that Because without that Nothing else really matters Yeah, and that was That was the crazy part That I always go back to Is it's like There's no such thing as not having energy It's just I haven't created the energy within me And I can do it at any point in time I'm curious with you With that being said One of the things that you always You know, when you're at the seminars Is about making a move And having personal practice And so if we're talking about Okay, I'm out there I'm listening to this podcast And maybe I haven't seen a light At the end of the tunnel And I'm starting to think Okay, maybe I should have a little bit of light At the end of the tunnel What's a personal practice That you have That has stuck with you for years That gets you into a state And I'm also curious If there's any new ones That maybe you've picked up In the past one or two years That you've discovered Through research Or just through yourself Of what's an old one That works for you And has been working for 30 years And then what's a new one That kind of helps you Get into a powerful state That you want to be in Let me give you Five little things that I did In my worst times When I was walking And you know Christmas Eve chased out of my house Find my mom with a knife And you know I spent the night on the hill Then it started to rain It was brutal And that's like I put a little plan together Turned me around And I remember in 2008 When all hell was breaking loose You know, I had 100 companies At that time almost And I, you know I was trying to figure out How to keep everything together And I returned to it But at a really fundamental level The first key If you're not where you want to be Is you've got to feed And strengthen your mind In other words You're basically whatever It's garbage in, garbage out We all know that, right? But Jim Rohn was my original teacher And he used to have this simple practice He used to say Tony, every day You've got to stand guard At the door of your mind He asked me a question I remember really on it I was 17 years old And he said Because I was talking about Some of the challenges having And I wasn't getting any sports And all this bullshit All my wimpy little stories And he was really kind He just said Well, let me ask you a question He said If I had a cup of coffee If you have a cup of coffee here And he goes Your worst enemy Put sugar in your coffee What's going to happen I said You're going to have sweet coffee He goes, what if you're best friend Or your parent Or your lover By accident drops One drop of strict night in your coffee What's going to happen I said, you'd be dead He goes, that's right Life is both sugar and strict night So you'd better watch your coffee Stand guard at the door of your mind And the way he used to say that Is every day Take 30 minutes of your day And read Not the shit that comes to you today Not the click bait Where you pick up a book And you read something that Has philosophy or psychology Or skill Where you are immersing yourself For 30 minutes in improving who you are He said, because if you do that every single day It'll accumulate over the decades Until you'll be at a point where you won't even believe All that you've experienced and lived And I really took it to heart And then I did it reading initially And then I was spending all my time in cars So then I started doing audio tapes in those days It was before the days of YouTube and so forth So, you know, six cassettes With a workbook cost 300 bucks Some of those days And I'm making 50 bucks a week as a janitor And I'd save up my money and go buy these things And because I spent so much I listened to it over and over and over And I got the power of repetition in my nervous system And so when you do that enough You find yourself in a place where your nervous system Gets rewired That's basically what happened for me I rewired it until I was living What it is that I was wanting for my life What I was wanting to create for my life So the practice of feeding my mind was the first one And then the second one And by the way, I call that net time No extra time Because I'm driving in my car I'm working out You're cleaning the house And you're still learning, right You're feeding your mind The second one is every day You've got to feed and strengthen and demand your body So I start every day My current practice for the last 10 years plus Maybe 15 now almost, I guess Has been I start my day by jumping and freezing cold water And I don't do it because I'm a masochist And I don't do it because I enjoy it There's never a day I look forward to Never But I don't negotiate with myself I've trained it as a habit Has a huge impact on your body health-wise It takes the blood and pushes it everywhere Your lymph everywhere You feel like a million bucks getting out Getting in, not so nice But I don't go, oh, let me see when I'm ready Let me, oh, maybe in five minutes Or let me count to three And just like when I say go, we go And so I train my body and my mind That when I say we're going to do something This is what we're going to do There's no internal negotiation with me And that is a practice that's both physical And mental for me And then I have a daily practice called priming It's kind of a form of meditation that I do To feed my mind each day Those things have stuck But the overall theme of Feed and strengthen the mind Feed and strengthen the body The third one is finding great role models No one is perfect You're not looking for somebody to be a perfect role model But you're looking what they're good at And so I grew up very poor And I didn't want my future family to be that And so I was like, who grew up poorer like me With absolutely nothing And became wealthy and did good works with their wealth And I saw Sir John Templeton Who was not a surer He was originally from a farm He wasn't even a British citizen And I saw him say 50% of his money And then in the worst times When Hitler was invading Europe in 1939 In Poland And it looked like the world was ending The stock market went through the floor And he took all the money he had And invested in all these stocks That were worth a buck or less And years later Of course war doesn't last forever Winter doesn't last forever Springtime came The greatest growth in history He became a billionaire First billionaire investor International investor But he did it by understanding In the worst times That's when the greatest investment opportunities happen That it's times of the greatest pessimism Where you'll get your greatest opportunity And so he trained me to think that way Which helped me because I started my business in 1977-78 When interest rates were 18% And stagflation Which we're probably moving towards That's where asset values go down And prices go up I had to build my business In the worst possible season So it built muscle for me in that area So again, I had some good role models And then the fourth one Is you've got to get in proximity It's a habit of getting in proximity Of people that are doing better than you are I went to work for people I worked as a janitor for a guy Just like I'd be around him I'd read his stuff in the middle of the night Quite honestly on his desk I was just feeding anything off Being around people that were 100 times, a million times more successful And instead of feeling like I'm a nobody I was like I'm here to learn So I got in proximity with people I got in proximity with people in the stock business And ended up taking company public And making $400 million Because I was in proximity When you're in proximity, you have power If you don't have proximity, you don't Bill Gates was in proximity He went to Harvard He wasn't doing well He did not write MS-DOS He bought it for $50,000 His parents were associated The board of directors of IBM That proximity and proximity to computers He still had to do his work But without it, it wouldn't happen And then the last step is Get out of yourself By doing more for others than yourself It's like If I can focus on giving more than receiving That will shift So I started working back then I'd go and literally had no money myself But I'd go feed people At the local salvation army place During lunchtime and so forth And volunteer my time And it made me remember Hey, I got it better than I think I do And it also made me remind myself That life's not just about me It's about giving So those five habits Are still a part of my life On a daily basis I have various tools that I use Like priming Like, you know, my cold water Like my workouts and so forth That I do But, you know, the fundamentals don't change What you need to do to have a quality life Is pretty fundamental If you take care of your body, your mind Your emotions You got a great plan You got some, you know Role models that make it more real to you That it's really possible And you're in proximity with smart people And you're constantly giving You're gonna win You bring up Jim Rohn My very first coach I paid him $500 a month That I was 19 to do one-on-one coach with me And he sent me my first book I ever read outside of school I don't even know if I ever even read a book in school I dropped out And it was the five major pieces to the life puzzle And I remember where I was reading it I remember highlighting it in my car As I was reading it as well And my favorite quote that he says Is success is something that you attract By the person that you become And so my mind has always been set on Becoming the person I want to And I can see in my mind And it goes back to also what Alan Watts says Which is you're under no obligation To be who you were five minutes ago Like you can just decide To be somebody different Right, at this moment And I'm curious with you When someone has I think a behavior change An action change Most of the time For real true behavior change Come from identity change And so over these years of working with people Do you notice that The problem with a lot of people Is that they're stuck in an identity That's a story that's not true And that if you can break that or shift it And they can decide to let go of that story And maybe start to shift into another idea Of someone else in a different identity That their actions start to shift from that as well Yes, without a doubt I teach everyone that the only lasting change Comes from identity change So let's define identity for your listeners or viewers Identity is we all have a way of defining who we are And the definition of who you are Is also who you're not I'm not one of those, right So if I said to you Would you like a cigarette And you used to smoke cigarettes 10 years ago You're not going to say What brand is it You're going to say No, no, I'm not a smoker I'm not one of those As long as you're a smoker You're fighting It's like people say to me sometimes I'm on day 12 of stop drinking Or day 14 of not smoking a cigarette And I say why are you counting So you can tell people how long you lasted this time They've not made an identity change They're going back It's only a matter of time So identity is how you define yourself And what's interesting is You know, you can think of it as a thermostat on the wall If we set the thermostat To be what our identity is Which our identity is not what we want It's what we believe we are Right, currently Not our desires But what we're comfortable with Right So if 68 degrees represents your emotional comfort Or 68 degrees is how financially comfortable You may want more But that's what you're used to With 68 degrees Or 68 degrees is intimacy How close you get with someone Before you tighten that or push away Or start to sabotage it Well, that's my comfort zone Well, if the temperature drops to 62 61, 60 There's a point Where the computer says Hey, what are you doing down here at 60 You're 68 degree Or and you get this push This drive The heaters kick on to heat you up And give you drive to change Well, we've all experienced that We've got so bad It's like none of the day Now they aren't changing this now Finally, right Because you hit that But what most people don't know It happens on the other side If 78 degrees is your center And then all of a sudden you go to 78, 88, 98 100 degrees All of a sudden somewhere in your brain is going to go Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa What the hell are you doing up here You're 68 degree here You're not 103 degree here What the hell And the first thing that happens Is you lose the drive The heater stop And then the second thing is That's not enough The air conditioners kick on And you start to sabotage And get back down to where you think you need to be So shifting identity Is the most important piece But what I found that's different than most people is We're not one identity You've defined yourself Wouldn't you come up with it If I say who are you People look at you kind of funny But if you dig They'll usually tell you a definition They came up with 10 or 15 or 20 years ago It not updated it And so what I do with people And the reason I can create change so rapidly People watch on video and they go like How the hell they do that with them that fast Is because you have multiple identities You're just not paying attention You've re-associated to one part of yourself So there's a part of you That will always whine and complain If you let it All right, so we can sit here And try to do therapy on that part of you And all that shit Or we can put in charge The part of you that kicks ass and takes names And there is a part there There's a part of you that won't settle There's a part of you that finally says Isn't enough of this shit And will step up I just get people to that part now Instead of after months or weeks or years Or whatever the case may be And then we reinforce it Till it becomes your core identity It's kind of like You know How do you know your dog How do you make your dog your dog You What do you do You name them You train them to come when you call So what I get people do is to name those identities And train themself to bring it when they want it Just like you did with your energy And when that happens Your life changes completely Because identity doesn't take effort Like it doesn't take effort to not smoke When you're not a smoker But if you're Or if you're a health nut Right But if you're a smoker Trying not to be a smoker Now you got this inner conflict And now it's all about willpower And eventually you're gonna get stressed And probably smoke So that's why shifting identity is so critical And that's That takes immersion to do that It doesn't happen with a conversation It happens over days and hours Of compression and focus Just like learning the language Right It's gotta be immersed Otherwise it's too little at a time To really have a lasting impact Yeah And that's why everything I do is immersion Four days Six days You know total immersion for people Yeah I'm curious with identity You've got some children You've got some older children And you also just had a new baby last year So congratulations And I'm curious between Tony 30, 40 years ago as a father And now stepping into fatherhood What is What do you feel like might have been What did you do really well When you're like, I definitely want to bring this in Or what are some things where you're like All right, I probably need to switch that Because there's a lot of people listening That have children And they're helping them create that identity All of the time And so are there shifts that you've made from You know The new baby that you have You're like I definitely gotta not do this again Or I gotta make sure that I do this To make sure that you help the identity come out the You know The most positive that you possibly can Yes, yes for sure Well first of all I have five kids And five grandkids give me an idea And I was 24 And had a 17 year old son Instantly an 11 year old son Instantly a daughter Instantly a five year old son And then in my own blood child on the way So I had quite a learning My I married a woman It was 12 years my senior And so she'd been married twice And had kids from different fathers And I had brought them all into my life So it was a huge part of my growth alone And so you know when you're 25 And you're trying to change the world And now you've got all these kids all of a sudden And they're all in different stages of life I really had to learn and grow And I'm proud of what I've done And I'm super proud of my kids They're all adults today And you know as I said I have five grandkids So my grandkids are all older than my My youngest daughter now is 20 months old Biggest thing that I learned I've learned because of dealing with so many human beings Is so many human beings in the last decade or two We've shifted how we've raised our children Every generation tends to react to how they were raised So baby boomers were raised in an environment Where their parents went to war and so forth And they came back and had all these babies And they wanted to have a better life So they told them they were great Sent them to college, gave them everything And made them very much narcissistic Not every person But as a culture it was more about me, me, me And maybe my mission out there When I wasn't busy making love, having sex Some mission out here larger than myself Because they didn't have to fight the war There's an old phrase that says Art for art's sake is this philosophy of the well fed Well they never had to face anything the baby boomers So they worked focused on their spiritual development Because they had that privilege And they judged their parents for not being open enough Or wide enough, whatever the case may be But then those parents did not pay attention to their kids They were totally protected initially They didn't protect their kids They were busy out doing other things So the kids that grew up in the 80s and 90s were latchkey kids Not every one But it was a different generation They were raised to be pragmatic If you ask people and they've been asking this question Since the 60s in college What's more important for life? A philosophy of life that makes you happy Or pragmatic skills that give you financial freedom And in the 60s and 70s 82% plus always said philosophy of life In the 80s and 90s and 2000s It was exactly reversed to pragmatic skills So now those latchkey kids Became the ones that overprotected their children Because they weren't And so their children been raised baby on board See in the 70s every movie about children Was Rosemary's baby exorcist You know Then all of a sudden it's the 80s and 90s It's three guys raising a baby Babies are beautiful, baby on board The entire philosophy changed To the entire focuses on the child And that hurt intimate relationships immensely Because they put the kids first And then it also made these kids think They're the most important thing on earth And so there's so many problems For young people today When I say young people Millennials are now turning 40 You know, they think they're old now Or they think they're going to become old soon And the z-generations fighting them About where they part their hair And all this stupid shit But the point of the matter is This group of people Is really not faced a real challenge You know, COVID was their challenge They were at home and the government sent you money It doesn't happen that way in most challenges That wasn't 2008, for example So their idea of what's their challenge They think if people believe something different than them If they went to college Oh my god, that's dangerous There's a culture that has been developed That does not have muscle But it's kind of like If you were born in 1910 And you come of age at 20 years old You watched Winning World War I You watched radio, television, cars And you ready to have a car and you turn 20 And it's 1929 And the world looks like it's ending And then you make it through years of depression To make it to, let's say, 29 years old And now it's 1939 And World War II breaks out So that generation that was called flappers And they were disrespected And they were irresponsible And they were weak as shit That was the way they were described They became what's called the greatest American generation By most historians Because they faced the biggest challenges And they grew during that really important time of 20 to 42 years old type of thing And so that generation brought home And created a different season They brought a spring time The late 40s, early 50s Up until the time of Kennedy's death Was a spring time Then there's a summer Where these kids grow up and they fight Then there's winter We have a big financial crisis And usually a big war This happens about every 80 years like clockwork And so when you understand these patterns You start to realize that, listen Everybody's going to have their time to face challenges Everybody's going to have their chance to grow And I think millennials and Z generation Are going to be two of the strongest generations in history Because they're going to face some real challenges They haven't yet, they think they have But they haven't yet And we're going to all be grateful for them Because they're going to be part of the soldier of society That helps us to grow And their networking and their capacity To understand technology will be useful tools In dealing with the kinds of issues we're going to deal with But then winter's over and you've got another spring time Another 20 years of different mindset Winter does not mean every day is a horrible day It just means the overall theme is more fear More stress overall You're going to have beautiful days in winter But some winters are short Some are long Some are hard, some are easy But you don't go from reaping in the fall Straight to the next spring time You go through winter which is what strengthens us And I think this generation is about to face that They're facing it right now a little bit But they don't know They think jobs are, you know, you can quietly quit Because they haven't been fired yet But now you're seeing thousands of jobs start to disappear Just in the tech business alone And this generation doesn't know what that means They think they can just dictate And they can have food on command And wine at lunch And things like that if they're in the tech business All that shit's going to go away When the economy really tightens And it's going to happen So to me the focus is How do you get stronger? It's like, oh, I'm worried about inflation Okay, well, inflation's, let's call it 7% or 8% overall All you got to do is be 10% more effective More productive You can certainly be 50%, 100% Can someone make I mean, Jim Rowney used to say to me Could someone make twice as much money in the same time? Yeah, 10 times, yeah, 50 times, yeah How? You have to become more valuable You have to not say what I want You got to say, what does the world need? I got to retool myself to help meet those needs And if you focus on adding value Doing more for others than anybody else In anything You'll become one of the masters in that area And when you're really great in that area You build a brand When you build a brand, people come looking for you You don't have to go linking for them And you're going to grow during whatever season when They were asking Warren Buffett the other day Now, what do we do with your advice about inflation? And he said, don't worry about inflation Invest in you Work on you When I first interviewed him I asked him with the greatest investment he ever made I thought he was going to say Geico or Coca-Cola And he goes, it was what you do, he said I said, well, I do a lot of things He goes, Dale Carnegie, I went to Dale Carnegie I learned how to communicate effectively All my ideas would have died on my lips I wouldn't be who I was If I hadn't learned how to do that And he said, so he said invest in yourself Because if you can be the best lawyer Or the best doctor Or the best writer Or the best whatever It doesn't matter what happens to the valuation of the dollar You're going to get plenty of whatever that Thing is And you're going to dominate in the marketplace So I think it's time for people to retool Instead of being fearful It's like move forward So we all know people that have been To howling back Or all hell's breaking loose And they're unshakable And then it doesn't mean they don't feel anything It's like they stay in the center of it And they figure out how to take advantage of the problem You know, you look back and during the depression The more people became millionaires during the depression That anytime in history percentage-wise You know, John F. Kennedy everybody remembers The President of the United States Joe Kennedy's dad had $3 million in 1929 He had $62 million three years later Because when things get rough The opportunities are unlimited Because everybody else is scared So I'm looking to help people become more unshakable By learning, having a plan for their body For their relationship For their finance, for their career And so now the last three years During COVID when people trapped at home It's like I want to help as many people as possible And the stadium events I was doing were shut down I couldn't do 15,000 people They wouldn't let me put 100 people in the stadium So I was like, okay, I built this studio And I'm going to go reach people And so I've done all these events But I did one event each year And I'm doing one this year too Coming up in January here for free Five days for free Total immersion Two hours a day Two and a half hours a day You know, I say two Sometimes I do three Because I just want to add value to people But we cover each area of your life for five days And you can tune in from home You don't have to travel to do it You don't have to spend a dime It's not harshly free It's completely free I love that I love how no matter what happens The idea is how can I make sure that I'm like The redwood that's centered in the middle of the storm And nothing's gonna take me out And I think that what causes a lot of fear with people Especially with hearing about the economy Inflation, all these things is money in general And I know that for me when I was younger I had to really I can actually tell you a story about your book And how it changed my viewpoint on money When I was driving my car I remember I was driving Bradenton, Florida I was passing it And I was about to get off on an exit And I heard you talk about the difference In the way that we view pleasure versus pain And I realized in my mind that money Because, you know, growing up poor And, you know, my mom applied for food stamps And we couldn't get food stamps because she had a car And I guess for some reason you can't get food stamps When you have a car So we couldn't get it And growing up that way And seeing her after, you know, during tax season Asking her for money sometimes and not being able to have it Made me associate a little bit of in the back of my I think it was deep in my subconscious that money's bad Money stressed my mom out Money, something that stressed my mom out was bad And I remember thinking in my head Oh my god, I'm not making this stuff most likely Because I'm actually probably afraid of it Like, I'm pushing it away because I see it as painful And so I think a lot of people have a negative psychology around money And with all of the stuff that's about to happen Inflation, you know, recession, all of this stuff You've made quite a bit of money in life What has shifted in you? And what do you think can shift in people to help their viewpoint of money? Because as you said, if they play their cards right over the next 18 months They could be the biggest, probably the biggest Financial gain that they've ever had in their life up until this point So when you think about money and the psychology of money How do you think of it? Do you think of it like energy like some people do? Or like what is the thought that goes through your mind Of how to help people understand money better But also change their psychology around money with what's coming up Well, I grew up with a dirt poor We had no money for food Probably the most significant event in my life One of them at least was when I was 11 years old And we had no money and no food and it was Thanksgiving So it magnified it We went to star, we had crackers and butter or peanut butter But there was no, you know, you're not going to have a dinner And everybody else is having that, right? So my parents were fighting And you know, my fourth father is screaming at my mother And my mother's saying things to him that she'll never be able to take back And you know, I can feel him feeling like he's failed his family Which he did fail to provide He lost his job and didn't handle his finance as well So we literally were completely broke And there was a knock at the door And I opened the door, you know, because they're fighting I got my brother and sister in the back room So they won't hear anything And there's a guy standing there Like giant guy with two giant grocery bags Full in his hand And he had a pot he'd set on the ground That was an uncooked frozen turkey in a pot And he says, your father here, I'm like, just one moment So long story short, I go to get my daddy And he said, you answer it, I know it's for you dad And I'm like so excited Like this is going to change our Thanksgiving And my father gets the door, opens the door, Sees them out with the groceries and gets angry And he said, we don't accept charity And he went to slam the door And the man's shoulder was there So it kind of bounced off of it And it kept open And maybe my dad would even matter He goes, sir, sir He said, I'm just the delivery guy Somebody wants you to have a great Thanksgiving Everybody has tough times And they want you to have a great Thanksgiving My father said, we don't take charity And went to push harder And this time the guy's foot Because he leaned forward His foot was there And it bounced off his foot So now twice he tried to close the door And my dad's getting more pissed And then the guy sees me And I don't know, I must have been asphalted Because I was so excited Now I was like shocked and so sad And what's going on here And he looked at me And I'll never forget this He pointed me and said, sir, Don't let your ego make your family suffer My father's veins on the side of his neck Were bulging He turned flush I thought he was going to punch the guy in the face And my father finally got himself into control He took the groceries He slammed him down Slammed the door without saying thank you And I remember like I couldn't understand it I couldn't understand how we could be so angry When this was a gift And years later I figured it out And it changed my life Is that everything we do is controlled By three decisions Including money And the first one is What are you going to focus on? That day my dad had focused on the fact He'd not taken care of his family Whatever you focus on That's what you experience I focused on there's food What a concept This is exciting, right? The second decision is the most important one though Whatever you focus on Your brain then has to decide what that means And so my dad I know what it means Because he kept muttering And under his breath Angrily for quite some time That night and the next day And that was that he had not taken care of his family And that he wasn't a man anymore Right? So his life was meaningless And as a result of that The third decision we make Is what I'm going to do And my dad left us the next day Was at the time the worst experience in my life Because I loved him so much He wasn't my natural father He was the one I associated to the most And but my life turned out different Because I focused on there was food What really changed my life was the meaning It's like This means strangers care My father said No one gives a shit about anybody We lived in this I thought was a wealthy town It was a lower middle class town But we lived on the other side of the track So you know They look wealthy compared to us And you know My father would say No one cares about anybody But here I had evidence Some stranger wanted no credit Was providing food And I decided some day I'm going to do that for other people So it changed Our lives were different Because he made those three decisions differently And I you know About when I turned 17 I decided I was going to go feed two families It was a profound experience I found a family Without you know God must have guided me to it There was almost identical to my own The man had left family With three children With four children But with a mother and no money And here I am I wore a t-shirt and jeans Because I didn't want to go to be thanked And I wrote a little note Said this is a gift from a friend And wrote it in Spanish on the back And delivered it And it was One of the most emotional days of my life And I realized Holy shit I'm sitting here crying at the moment Afterwards and going Why am I crying? It's like well Because the worst day of my life Just became the best day What I've really been here feeding people If I'd had a perfect childhood And plenty of food And so then I grew from two families Next year to four And then eight Then I had a little small company I got my employees involved And eventually I got to a million Then two million Then four million people a year And then I was writing Money Master the Game Interviewing 50 billionaires And they cut food stamps The SNAP program they call it now They cut it by six billion dollars Which means every family Would have to give up a week's worth of food If people like you and I In the private sector don't step up So I called my foundation and said How many people have fed off my lifetime? I'd never really totaled it up And it was 42 million people And I was blown away and really proud But I was like What if I fed that many people in a year My whole life in a year What if I fed 50 million people What if I fed 100 million people Then I was like What if I had 100 million people For 10 years and fed a billion people And I'm proud to tell you I'm at 950 million right now Seven years into it We're gonna probably complete in February And now the problem is bigger Because of the crane war Because of COVID Where they shut down all the travel So in African countries They've had no tourism They have no money And there are 45 countries On the verge of famine And half of our food comes from fertilizer And the WF doesn't want people using fertilizer And it's not available Because it's in Russia So I'm already starting 100 billion meal challenge I raised six billion meals In the first week More than my whole life And I'm right now Have a group that we've negotiated With us to live and fertilize That'll produce 50 billion meals And it looks like my 10-year goal Might get done within the next year 100 billion meals to fill the gap In what we're doing So it's a long way of saying You can go from where you are To where you want to be But you have to change your association So I initially thought I'm gonna make a lot of money So my future family doesn't You know, have that challenge But I'm gonna do it in a way That adds value to people I'm gonna do it in a way that Is worth 10-fold Anybody pays me, you know So I focused on that And then when I was 18 I made like $10,000 a month For like five months in a row Which would have been like A billion dollars to me back then And I called my friends and said Let's go to Egypt And let's race camels Between the pyramids Let all these crazy dreams And instead of getting love I got rejection Easy for you Oh yeah, now you're rich I was like, I'm not rich But I'm making some good money I'm not asking you to pay for it I'll pay for it And I got pain And I'm a love bug So what did I do? My brain sabotaged I lost everything financially I went totally broke I moved into 400 square feet Back to Joe Parkness and Venice I started feeling sorry for myself And I hit rock bottom Thank God at one point And there was a point in which I was 38 pounds every year I was so frustrated in my life And totally broke That I shifted myself Because I hit rock bottom Because I started realizing Who I am as a man Spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially Every way Is so far more than what I was living And so it challenged me So I went on this run I'll never forget So I'm a rental I spit up blood I played this music from I'm old enough to have had A Walkman And this You got to love your music then Because you had one cassette tape to listen to There's a group called Heart And I ran to this music And I came back and I wrote Everything in my life was going to change And I was like If I could be smarter, should I? Yes If I could be more generous, should I? Yes If I could grow emotionally, should I? Yes So if I could grow financially, should I? Of course the answer is yes Why would it be different than anything else? Because I was like You're not spiritual if you're financial And then I made A million dollars the next year From 38,000 to a million Because I just focused on adding value Changed everything My body, my mind, everything And then I made the same amount of money For like six straight years Even though I was building new companies Helping more people Because somewhere in my mind More than a million dollars a year You're a selfish F You know? What the hell's wrong with you? But truthfully, I was living at the Ramada Inn My maid was living at the Del Mar Castle I own She was having a good time In my Jacuzzi and my sauna I'm on the road the whole time doing things And then one day I was like Okay, if I could go from 38,000 to a million I should be able to go from One to four million And how am I going to do it? And what really pushed me Was I was about to have a son I was like, okay, I need something That's going to push me So I was living in San Diego And I said If I can If I could feed all the people in this community There's a man named Brother Beno there Who used to make all these goods for the homeless I said, what would it take to feed Everybody in San Diego County? And so he would put a plan together And it was about three and a half million dollars Which to me would sound like a billion then And sure enough I made four million dollars The next year and funded it And that was When I was 29, I think 30 years old So 30 years ago And there's now five centers Brother Beno's passed away It's still the number one feeding organization In San Diego And I funded the initial piece out of it So the game starts to grow And then now, you know I got to a stage in my life That hopefully some of your viewers Will get to at some stage Where money is not a question And even the goals It's like I love serving people And everything else I love But like what's going to really get me going And that's when I started setting these plants Because I'm going to feed a billion people I'm lucky enough to have my own plane So it burns 3,000 trees a year I'm planting 100 million trees I've done 71 billion already You know, I saw what was happening With the subject no one wants to talk about Which is sexual slavery of our children And trafficking I have huge goals now And I do well financially, primarily To fund the things that I do That really I feel really matter in those areas That affect the body, the mind, the emotions Of people I don't even know And it's the most fulfilling thing of all Outside my own family So it's about changing what you link pain And pleasure to it And I began with pain To not having money To pain having money To eff all that I need to do what's right I'm not going to let somebody else condition me I'm going to do what's right And what's right is to grow Spiritually, mentally, emotionally Physically and financially And so at this stage Obviously that's an area of my life That we've done well in And I continue to teach people how to do well In that area as well That's one of the subjects Because you look at your life You go, what are the areas that affect you most? It's your emotional well being, right? If everything else is great And you feel like shit You know, life is terrible You got a billion dollars And you're angry, life's angry You know, you've got a great family And you're worried, life's worried So emotional mastery Physical mastery Because that energies everything Relationship mastery Really where you have the relationships that matter Because that's where the most fulfillment of life comes from There's the mastery of your career or your business And there's the mastery of the spiritual side of your life And there's the mastery of the financial side of your life And so, you know There's about a half dozen areas that matter But most of us don't focus on them We focus on all the crap in front of us I try to get people oriented towards those types of things I love that Last question I have for you This is selfish to ask it Because I just got married last week And I know that you're married Oh, thank you She's over here with our dog Watching on the floor because she wanted to be here So Oh, that's wonderful What's your name? Lauren Lauren She's I'll be heading here Lauren, let's say hello Come on, Lauren Come say hello to Tony Robbins So As she's coming over I want to ask you Here she is You're nice to Oh, wow What a beautiful soul Which you can see Like if it's inside shines on the outside But there are Oh, thank you Beautiful time I mean, sincerely You got a great radiance about you Oh, thank you so much That means a lot coming from you Oh, no, sincerely Oh, what was the question? So you're married to Sage You guys seem to have an incredible relationship And one of the questions I get more than anything else Is on relationships And so what do you think are one of two tips For people out there? Everyone's going to be in relationships With people throughout their entire lives With romantic relationships specifically What do you feel are The one to two biggest tips Allow you and Sage have such incredible marriage I think a huge part of it is Putting your partner first Most people don't do that They do it in the beginning When the chemistry is going When the chemistry is going And most people are like Oh, I want to light my partner up We live the light our partner up Whatever it takes But then, you know, after seven years Seven months, you know, 70 years Wherever it is Someone says, would you take out the trash? You go, what do I look like your janitor? You know, before it's like Take out the trash happily Whatever makes you happy, right? So it's like if you focus on yourself You'll always be miserable That's the nature of the human mind It's like what makes us happy Is finding something we want to serve More than ourselves Well, that for me starts with my wife And starts with my family And if that's sincere And you get lit up by lighting them up If you can get addicted to meeting her Desires and needs and Not just meetings Surpassing her desires and needs Understanding what does she need? What does she want? What does she fear? The more you can learn about that You think you know about it But it's going to change As you go through stages of life As your life conditions change There'll be new things One of your parents may get ill You may have a child There'll be something going on So there'll be things that shift And when those shifts happen Most people don't keep that same focus On making their partner the most important thing Or they start to measure What am I getting and what am I not getting? The minute you start to measure It's a transaction The relationship's already over Right, now you're just hanging out together So there's no measuring And you gotta just notice the questions you ask Some people's questions after years like Oh my god, why does she always do that? Why does she always say that? Why does this always happen? You know, my primary question I ask all the time Is how to get so lucky to get you I mean, my core belief is I've helped millions of people improve their lives And my wife is the gift I got for that That's my good karma So I think it's holding the appreciation And respect for your partner Your desire to serve them But it's also, you know, being in a place where You keep the polarity alive Polarity is that opposite energy Like, you know, every man has feminine energy Every man has masculine, masculine energy Every woman has masculine and feminine also But we have a core And in your intimate life If you, when two people get stressed today Most women become more masculine Or more controlling And most men become more feminine And more pleasing And women get tired of any man that's a pleaser No woman wants a pleaser Men get confused by this Because women want to be pleased But they don't want to please her Am I correct, my dear? Yes, correct It annoys them, it pisses them off, right? It's like You gotta have enough strength to do What's right for us in a relationship Not just be manby-pamby anywhere you go If both of you become masculine Or both of you become feminine There's no polarity It's like opposite energies on the earth And so when there is attraction Which you both clearly have for each other Right now When there's attraction Your partner does something And you think it's cute When it's not, it's like annoying Same thing that used to be so cute It's like, why does he always say that shit? Why do he always do that stuff? And so you gotta catch it when it's little Like kill the monster when it's little Don't wait till it's Godzilla eating your city And so there's a stage people go through They go through a stage of chemistry And everything's perfect Then they go through a stage where they depolarize It's not about each other It may be you're both stressed about something And you both get masked in the deal That are both get feminine You lose that polarity So you still love each other But there's not the same attraction And so now little shit You start to feel a resistance to And that resistance your partner feels Even if you don't speak it But you don't want to say anything And it has nothing to do with your partner It's your stuff It's what you walked in with from past relationships Or from growing up But if you don't deal with it The resistance will grow to resentment And then now you like make a little off-combat Every now and then And your partner's like, where the hell that come from? Right? It's because you didn't handle it With his resistance by saying, Hey honey, I don't know if you can feel this in me But I'm feeling this little stress inside When you said that or did that Has nothing to do with you It's my old bullshit So please don't take it personal I'm gonna handle it You take responsibility But you do communicate it If you don't, it'll get to resentment Where it's like, why do you always say that joke? Why do you always tell that story? Why does it always take so f-ing long for you to get ready? Right? And then so that resentment Now starts to create Not only there's no polarity But now you're starting to push away from your partner And then if you don't deal with it At a resentment level Keep it inside It gets to rejection Where someone will say What the hell are you doing over nothing? And then you're like pissed off Like how could they treat me that way? It's because it was all this little shit that was built up And then eventually some couples don't end with rejection They go to repression That's the couple you see at Starbucks Sitting across from each other They're both on their phones They don't talk the whole time And people say, oh, they had a great relationship But one day after 20 years their relationship ends So you want to keep the polarity Because if you don't You'll end up with this resistance System I'm talking about Which will lead to less passion Which will feel like less commitment to one another Which eventually leads to a story we're not compatible He's this way, she's that way And that's the stress cycle That met most relationships destroyed The opposite is Constantly nurturing a partner Making your partner number one That's hard because most people make their kids number one My wife, you know She had five kids in her family Mixed family And they also had foster kids So they're often 11 kids And her mom and dad had a really simple rule You're at bed this hour And don't knock on the door unless you're bleeding And then, you know, they'd say Mom's going to go wash dad's hair Which we kind of figured what that was later on But they were the priority, dad They're date night And you think the kids would be less secure They're not, they're more secure Because they see that parents are totally in love And they have a model for what can happen in the future Which is not I'm first That's the problem in relationships Kids have been raised like If they're not first Their parents have made the kid the most important thing And well, why isn't my partner making me the most important thing? And so two people want to be the most important thing And gradually they drift apart So you're at the early stage of chemistry and love The other part is having some mission in common Because my wife and I are both driven to serve So it's like we not only love each other And our family But we have this common mission Of going and helping people any way we possibly can Continue to grow ourselves So we are congruent and we can help people Because we've experienced it It's not something we're verbally telling people It's things we're living So my view is make each other number one Above your business, above your kids, above anything else Your kids will be more secure Your business will be stronger If your relationship is stronger Everything's affected by your relationship And then number two is don't transact Don't measure what you're getting Just focus on giving And then thirdly is keep the polarity alive And if you start to feel those little resistances Deal them real quickly and own them as your responsibility To whatever stuff you have Like my wife would talk like In the beginning of relationship She'd have this like baby talk thing And I was fine with that We had all this attraction But then she did that in a meeting I was like I wanted people to know how smart she is And I got all pissed off And it was all my own shit Right? It was like I don't give a shit how she talks I love every bit of her, right? But you can let that stuff get in the way And then you start putting We call them stickies on each other We're labels on each other And then you don't see your partner anymore You see the labels And then the relationship starts to die So it like anything else A relationship's either growing or it's dying Same as your business There is no plateaus There's no in between And as you guys go through stages of life together The life conditions are going to change There'll be kids perhaps at some point There'll be illness perhaps at some point There'll be financial stresses There'll be business challenges There'll be all kinds of things you'll deal with And when the life conditions change You're going to have to update your blueprint Of expectation You have less expectation and more focus on What you're grateful for in each other And then you become the safe harbor for each other So no matter what's happening in the outside world This is the place you come back to together for love And I'm so lucky to have an unbelievable wife A woman I could never say enough about Sage's most extraordinary being I know And she's my wife And my partner in everything So I'm glad to see you guys are beginning This journey together And I think you're off to a good start it looks like Well thank you, I appreciate that We've been together nine years And we finally made it official So it's good Well you got some time under it first That's nice We do, yeah And we had the polarity conversation two weeks ago So this is perfect I love your tips We're going to be able to work this even more Well Tony I appreciate you for everything you do And for your time as well You've had a huge impact on my life Which is in turn turned into a podcast That has 150 million downloads Which has impacted other people's lives And I think that you've paid a big piece of that So I want to thank you for your time But also for being who you are It's really been great to be with you Thank you so much Hey, thank you so much Tony I appreciate you Classings All right Thank you Bye, have a good one Nice meeting you too