 The Aberdeen Costello Program starring Bob Abbott and Lou Costello brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costly or properly-aimed tobacco. The Aberdeen Costello Program with a modern rhythm of Will Osbrun and his orchestras, Iris Adrienne, the flingy-thinking of Connie Haynes, and spotlighting that toughy tricky little troublemaker who, when he let the air out of his uncle's tire because he heard the family was looking for a flat, calmly said, Now, Costello, I've been waiting to see you. Where were you this morning? You know you had a date with me to go duck-hunting at daybreak? What did you do, over sleep? Oh, no! I got up before daybreak, Abbott. But something terrible happened. Something terrible happened? What was it? At 5.30 this morning, I kipped out out to the kitchen to cook my breakfast. I put on the main tapering, and I was bending over the stove when the milkman came in. The milkman grabbed me in his arms and kicked me three times! Abbott, you know what? What? I think we're engaged. Oh! Would you please talk, then? You certainly missed great hunting drips this morning. Well, I was too tired anyway, Abbott. I went hunting last night in Griffith Park. Why, you dummy, there's no hunting in Griffith Park. How long have you been in Hollywood? Now, that's great. I don't think you know anything about hunting. Oh, no! What time I sat up there in a foot and knocked all the teeth out? Now, wait a minute. How could you knock a bear's teeth out of a... if you shot him on the foot? He was biting his toenails. Oh, come on! Costella, you should be ashamed of yourself. How could you have the nerve to stand up here in front of this intelligent audience and tell such as horrible jokes? Well, I haven't liked that joke, Abbott. In fact, I like it so well, I think I'm going to tell it again. No, no! Not that! Anything but that! Don't tell a joke! Hey, wait a minute. Come here, buddy. If you don't like our program, why didn't you come in here for us? I was listening to you on my car radio. I came in here to prove something. What are you trying to prove? That's right. I thought the radio was on the bump. Now I know the bump is on the radio. That is a nice boy. I'd like to buy him a ticket on a sinking ship. Ah, never mind him, Costella. Why aren't you wearing your Spanish costume? Do you realize that tonight you and I are invited to the Latin American Embassy? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yes, the ambassador asked us to come over to help him cement friendly relations. Cement friendly relations? Yeah. Not me, Abbott. That's what got my uncle Otis Stevens 20 years in Alcatraz. Your uncle Otis Stevens is in Alcatraz for cementing friendly relations? Yeah. He's through his mother on a concrete mixer. Cut. Ah, nice of you, Costella. You're going to the party. I've always run into your costume. You're going dressed as a Spanish grandee. Just as a what? A grandee. Grandee. Not me. I ain't gonna go to no party dressed in a diaper. Ah, yes, Tommy. A grandee doesn't wear a diaper. Oh, no. How about my half a grandee? No, no, no, no. Ah, you're thinking of candy. Oh, sure. I like candy. Hershey's candy with canot. That's awesome. You're going to be dressed as a Spanish grandee. You have a mustachio and a terrapi. Oh, no, I won't. I had that last night at the drug store and it made me sick. You had a mustachio and a terrapi in a drug store. Yeah. Mm-hmm. What are you talking about? Mustachio ice cream covered with chocolate terrapi. No. Ah, mustachio and terrapi, too. Yeah, I can imagine. Look, what are you talking about? Look, you're going as a Spanish grandee from the Andes. You've heard of the Andes. Oh, sure, I hear them every Tuesday night. The Andes and the Andes. Hey, come on, right ahead of that big Spanish program. What Spanish program? River McGee and Tamale. Now, look. You tell me I'm talking about the Andes. The Andes are found in Philly. Well, they have a found in my Philly with beans. Sometimes a little sizzle. You're lucky. Stop talking like an imbecile, Cattella. Go home and get dressed. You're going to that party. And I say I am not going. Not after the way the Andes. They didn't tell you? Yes, they did. Now, get a load of this invitation. Right in the very first line. They inspired me by making fun of my thing away with it. Where does it say anything about your shape? Right there, it says it. See your Lucastello. Here, tab-belly-roll. Wait a minute. Tab-belly-roll. That's very nice, Adam. Tab-belly-roll. Don't call me a tab-belly-roll yet. That's tab-belly-roll. What's the matter with you? Can't you read? A tab-belly-roll is a gentleman who takes a drill out for an expensive dinner. Biser flowers and jewelry. He takes it to the finest show in town and then when he takes it home, he doesn't even ask her for a good night's kiss. In South America, they call them tab-belly-rolls. In South America, they call them tab-belly-rolls. Yes. We've got the same things back in Paterson, New Jersey. Yes. But we don't call them tab-belly-rolls. What do you call them? Ha! Ha! Ha! Hey, right there, old Abedin Castello. What's this business, Ken? What goes on? Why, that means hail in ancient Greek. The language employed by that famous wise man of some 3,000 years ago whose name was Jesus. He's bad and I translate. Experience is the best teacher. Yes, what we learn by experience impresses us the most. For instance, during the late Great Cigarette Authority, camels were scarcest of the scare, even though camel production was at an all-time high. Smokers had the experience of trying more different brands then. Then they'd normally try in a lifestyle and did experience to them that there isn't any substitute for the rich, full-favorite and cool mildness of camel superb blend of costly or tobacco. Well, today, more people want camels than ever before in the history of this famous brand. 3,000. Camels, the cigarette-experienced smokers, are asking for more than ever now. And now, here's Will Hodgburn and the orchestra to take you for a ride on that famous Asheson, Tobica and Santa Fe. But I'm not going to go to that Spanish party. I got a date with my girl, Lena Gensher. And if you don't invite her to go with us, then I ain't going either. But wait a minute, Lena would be out of place just while you're here. Table managers are too disgraceful. Have you ever noticed the way she eats? Yes. I think it's huge the way she slides her lower lip onto a plate in front of the meatball office to get in. That's enough to get about, Lena. Come along with me. It's going to be a wonderful party. I am not going, but you're going to have a wonderful Spanish youth. I am not going. But they're going to have me. But they're going to have 50 luscious brown-eyed Latin American girls. You're talking me into it. Come on, let's get out of here quickly before Lena gets here. If she finds out I'm going to any place without her, there's going to be an awful fight. Costella, don't tell me that you fight with Lena. Obviously I do. Last night we fought tooth and nail. Tooth and nail? Yes. She nailed me in the tooth and knocked out my tooth. Well, you'd better not let her get to you when that's better than Scott's you. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Wait, wait, wait. Don't get excited. Don't get in that bed and pull the covers over you. Come on, hurry up. I'll tell her you're sick. Go ahead. Okay. We hit a large bucket for Ryan and Gabe, too. Here I am. We break our dates tonight, Lena. I'm a sick man. I've got a terrible, devil. I never heard of anyone having that. I'm the only one guy in the world that's got it. There's nothing screwy going on here. You don't look sick to me. What are you doing in bed with your hat on? Oh, that's my hat. Why did you tell me that? Why did you tell me I had to have it on? Oh, my hat. Oh, my hat. Hurry up. Look, look, look. You see, Lena, I always wear my hat in bed because if I happen to dream, I'll make you want to sleep. I want to tip my hat to you. Are you trying to kid me? Come on. Get them out of one of those covers. What are you doing in bed with that Mexican suit on? When you've got the pimple zip, you've got to wear a Mexican suit. The pain comes from south of the border. Lena, Lena, please. You'd better get out of here before Costello gets another attack. Yes. Are you all right? Come on. Yes, I am. Come on out. Take it easy. All right. All right. Take it easy. Oh, please. That's no way to talk about Mr. Raddick. Both of you guys are just in Spanish costume. Flip, Costello. I don't know what you're up to, but I'm taking your car. Oh, Lena, don't do that because I mean I... Get out. Yes, ma'am. If you so much as fork your nose out of this house tonight, I'm going to come back here and flip your toenails all the way up to your knees. But I'm going to pour your ears around the back of your head and fasten them onto your collar button. And if that doesn't work, I'll torture you. Now, how are we going to get to the party, Costello? Lena's taking your car. Come on, Adam. We'll go to the next door and see my friend, Scottie Brown. See if you can help us. Scottie's home all right. I see a dim light in there. Yeah. That's his reading lamp. He's got a button full of fireflies. Ring the bell, Costello. Ring it off the buzzer and you're using up the electricity. Oh, it's you, laddie. I'd invite you in, but I'm afraid you'll frighten the mice. I've gotten a dining room. I hate to lose those mice. They save me a lot of money. Scottie, how can a mice take your money? Well, you see, laddie, my wife is scared to death of them and she hasn't been downstairs for her meals in three weeks. Look, Scottie, we've got to get out to the Latin American Embassy for a big party and Costello's car is gone. Could you drive us there, please? I'm very sorry, laddie, but I'll only drive the car on Saturday night. Why only on Saturday night? Oh, there's no sense in heating up the water and the radiator unless you can use it in the bathtub. Well, come on, Costello. We've got to get going. We'll be late. Hey, what time is it by your watch, Scottie? I beg your pardon. I thought you liked that. He thought you wouldn't even give us the time. Never mind him, Costello. Hey, here comes the car cruising down the street. We'll form a ride. Come on. Yeah, hey, it looks like a cute babe driver. Hey, she's going to stop, have a s**t up in your lip. I'll lift you right off the ground with an oppercut. Hey, it's too easy. It's too easy. Just sit me again. Hey, Connie, hey. Tonight, Connie sings a new ballad filled on a couple of words everyone likes to say. Hey, tell me, who is your singing teacher, huh? Oh, I've had a number, Ken, and one of the best was named Experian. Ah, wise words, fair lady. Old man Ease of the Fable King said the same thing in ancient Greece way back some 3,000 years ago. Tuning in on Ease if we hear of Experian is the best teaching. And how that was proved when camels were hard to get. You know, during the war, it was the service first with camels. And even though production was breaking all records, the civilian demand just couldn't be met in full. Well, smokers tried more different brands than they'd ordinarily experienced in a lifetime. Seems kind of like they found that nothing takes the place of the rich, full flavor and cool mildness of the costlier tobacco found in that cigarette cauld. C-A-S-B-L-S. Camels. For today, more people want camels than ever before in the history of this famous brand. Tostello has outwitted Lena Genster again. She dropped him off at the hospital, but he sneaked out of the back way with blood damage. And we find the two of them arriving at the party at the Latin American Embassy. The hostess is greeting the guests at the door. Ah, good evening, gentlemen. Come right here. Thank you, senora. I am Don Pascuali Fernandez. Ah. I am Don Jose Miguelito. Ah. I am Senor Boratis. Ah. And I am Senor Lucas Solz. Who is the Solz Spanish onion? Oh, you may see himself. I am Senora Carmenita Lolita, the creator of Musqueater. And I have you know that we Musqueaters are a big family in South America. You're even a bigger family in New Jersey. You must meet some of the Tangerineses. Ah, here comes Balí. Ah, he is making one day blue. Tonight, he's coming out. He's halfway out already. Then my lovely needs to do. Ah, good evening, my handsome Americanos. Senorita Rosita Margarita Musquita. Now here's the Musqueater. I'd like to buzz around with her. Oh, I like you too. Oh, I have seen you many times in the movie Pictures. Do you really know who I am? Who could ever forget little funky things? That's all folks. The orchestra is about to play a rumba. No thanks, Rosita. The floor is too crowded. But what is the crowded floor to do with it? There's no fun doing a rumba when you can only take your head. That's your needs. Take a walk on the Ferenda, Rosita. Hey, that's a good idea, Castello. I'll go with you. On your way, Abbot, please, to the crowd. I want to talk to Rosita alone. All right, talk to her. Abbot, I mean all alone. Just the two of us. Get out. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me get this right. You mean you want me to go? Oh, this kid is really sharp. Come, sit here with me on the bench and sing your Spanish song. You speak Spanish, don't you? Oh, we read. But why waste time singing? I just want to sit here with you. Uh-huh. You like me, see? Yeah, he sees things. He sees, yeah. He sees things. Bonus knapsacks and hasty bananas. I think you like you, too, senor. Maybe we were drawn together by that. Look at your script, that's fate. Look at you, that's that. Please don't talk, Rosita. It's too wonderful sitting here in silence. You are so lovely, so exciting. You smell of roses and magnolias. Thank you, senor. You smell too. I've got to get me some Spanish writers. Rosita, I have something I would like to ask you. But I don't know how to say it. Oh, go ahead, senor. Think what is in your heart. Okay, Rosita. What are you doing Saturday night? Oh, I'm nothing. Then can I borrow your soap to smelly time? Oh, senor, you're so cute. You're for that. I am going to give you a knife. How come I walk in here and find you kissing my girl? Because you wear rubber heels, you snake. Senor, you have kissed my sweetheart and insult my good name. I am Don San Francisco, Seno de San Luis Obispo, San Diego, San Bernardino. When you come to Clamble, I'll cut off. Another insult. For that pig, I am going to kill you. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? You can use a joke right here. Trial and trine, trine. When we started this argument, I was just a pig. I challenge you to the duel. I will meet you on the field around 5 o'clock in the morning to avenge this stolen kiss. I just feel a kiss? Then what is that red stuff on your lips? That is tomato juice. Tomato juice? Yes, from a little South American tomato. That is enough. I will duel you at 5. I will give you the choice to thaw your pistols. You're a skunk. If I was a skunk, I wouldn't need thaw your pistols. Well, here's a dueling deal, cut fellow. You certainly got yourself into a mess this time. Don San Francisco is a great pistol shot. Have it. I can't go through with this deal. Look at me. I'm all nervous and shaky. I can't help it. I walked the floor all last night. I know. And I can't get a wink of sleep because I don't want to die. Well, that's silly, cut fellow. I don't want to fight somebody. Well, you do like I do. When I can't get to sleep, I just breathe my feet in the air and let that blood rush to my head. I tried that. It's no good. No sleep? No blood. There you are, cut fellow. We've been waiting for you. I'm the referee of this dueling match. Let me introduce myself. I am Senior Mellon Head. I've seen your Mellon Head around here before. Get a little of that shiny, dull Mellon Head. Did I see you sitting in your front window last night with a look like a Halloween cartoon? I resent that remark, cut fellow. I was in bed at 8 o'clock last night with my head resting on my pillow. You sleep with that bald head on a pillow? Certainly. How do you keep it from sliding off? Cut fellow, what's the matter with you? Mellon Head is the referee of the duel. He's here to help you. That's right, you're fellow. I came here to give you first choice of the dueling pistols. I don't need any pistols. I put my own gun. See, this is the rifle my great grandfather used in the Revolutionary War. It uses flint and powder and shoots iron balls. Ah, you dummy, that old blunderbuss won't work. Yes, it will. Yes, it will. All I do is just strike the flint on the powder. The powder ignites and the iron ball blows out the end of the barrel. Now, watch this. See? We must have the doctor look you over. Oh, doctor, settle down. This is Lucas Fellow. All right, Mr. Cicciolo. Let's get right on with the examination. First, I would like to take your temperance. Your temperance. Your temperance. Deppichess? No, billfold. And now I'd like to have you open your mouth. Open your mouth. Open your mouth. Mouth? No, shirt. I would have done puttin' my big fat lips. Well, you look all right for me, Civill. Now, let's get on with the duel. I gotta get home. You see, there's a chicken cookin' on my stove and I gotta jump into the pot with a chicken. You're gonna jump? You're gonna get in a pot with a chicken? Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. We're gonna get stood together. All right, all right, Cicciolo. Take your place. The duel is about to start. Just a moment, now. How tall are you, Cicciolo? Twice for two. Oh, thank you. Now I can go ahead and dig the hole. Ha, ha, ha. What's with the rabbit? Do you hear that? Yeah, it is. It's too late now, Cicciolo. Here comes John San Francisco's second. Oh, everything, gentlemen. I have bad news. Don San Francisco is unable to duel this morning. Ah, ha, ha, ha. This morning, why, he's snuttin' but a yellow tower, a sneak and penny way. I knew he wouldn't come out here face to me. Why, he's snuttin' but a... A pain? A phony. That is a lie, Cicciolo. Don San Francisco was taken to the hospital this morning with a severe case of people default. Tiffle, tiffle. Now I know he's a phony. Because there's one phony to another. There's no such thing as tiffle, tiffle. Oh, so there's no such thing as tiffle division. I just made it up to pull my girl either. That's injustice. And now, this week's salute in the new series of salutes to the men who won the victory. Tonight, we salute the gallant crew of the aircraft carrier enterprise which has traveled more than 275,000 war miles and raced 18 out of 22 possible Pacific theater stars. In your honor, men of the enterprise, the makers of camels are sending to your fellow servicemen overseas 500,000 camel cigarettes. Camel radio shows us honors the different units of the Army, Navy, Marines and Coast Guards. A total of a million camels sent free each week. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States twice a week. A rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed and in cooperation with a good neighbor policy also to Central and South America. Listen, next Thursday, when the camel again presents Abbott and Costello. And I'll hear a button low with the final word. Hey, Costello, somebody here to see you. Come in, Senorita Mosquita. Ah, Senor Costello, I'm so sorry I caused you so much trouble. You are so sweet, so understanding like a cute little boy. And you're the cutest little mosquito I've ever seen. Are you going to be around California for very long, my little mosquito? Yes, I am. I'm going right home and take down my screens. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. And remember, buy 60 pounds at your favorite movie theater. Good night. Good night, everybody. Yes, folks, be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarette. And remember, camels are worth asking for every time. See for yourself how camels, mildness, toolness, and flavor click with you. It's a pipe. Ah, sweet music to any hunters here. The piping sound of that great game bird, the curlew. And here's another pipe sound, that sweet music, too. Ah. Yes, sir, that way down deep in Canada is the sound made by a smoker's pipe that's loaded with thin velvet smoking tobacco. That rich, full-bodied, mellow, real, he-man tobacco flavor, he loves it. And his tongue loves Prince Albert's amazing freedom from bite. You see, Prince Albert gets a special no-bite treatment that leaves in all the flavor, but takes out the tongue parts and punishments. You'll go for that. Also, Prince Albert is kept cut for firm packing, easy drawing, and even burning. Make your next pipe full, Prince Albert. Saturday night, be sure to listen to the Prince Albert program. Grand Ole Opry brought guest coast-to-coast every Saturday night on NBC.