 Good health to you all from Rexall, the palace face show presented by the makers of Rexall drug products and your Rexall family druggers. Good evening. This is your Rexall family druggers taking a little time from behind the prescription counter this Sunday evening to speak for all 10,000 of us, the 10,000 independent druggers who have added the word Rexall to our own store names. You can always tell us by the orange and blue Rexall sign on our windows. The sign means that we carry the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall drug company. They range all the way from aspirin to penicillin and there is fine and pure and dependable as science can make them. We independent druggers recommend them to our customers because we know you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to you all from Rexall and now your Rexall family druggers brings you the Phil Harris Alice Faye show written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield. Walter Sharp and his music are special guests, Fred Allen and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Alan Alice attended the president's inaugural ball in Washington, DC. It was a very interesting day in the lives of the harrasses, so let's go back to Thursday. We find the Harris family and their hotel suite in Washington. Oh girls, aren't you excited about being here in Washington? Not there. The snow is much deeper back there. What do you kids mean you ain't excited? This is a great honor. It ain't everybody that gets invited to the president's inaugural. Phil, the word is inaugural. I'm using the past in perfect gender. No, you kids ought to be thrilled about visiting the capital of the United States. Why? Why? Why Washington is famous for its historical landmarks. Where else can you see the Smithsonian Institute, the White House, the Lincoln Memorial, Grant's Tomb and the George Washington Bridge? Not to mention the Sphinx and the Eiffel Tower. Honey, look, you're confused, please. Them are the places we saw in London. Now, let me educate the children and you keep working on Indonesia. Listen, girls, now this is very important. It's a very important place to visit and you should appreciate it. Now, didn't you get a kick out of seeing the president being sworn in today? We were so far back in the crowd, we couldn't hear it. Well, you heard the speeches after I took care of things, didn't you? Yeah, you took care of things all right. I was never so embarrassed in my life. Well, what did I do that was so wrong? Nothing, except when the president was making his accepted speech, you stood up and yelled, louder, Clyde, we can't hear you. Well, it looked like Clyde. I didn't know it was the president. Well, I hope you act a little better at the ball tonight. By the way, it's almost five o'clock. You girls better run along while Daddy gets dressed. Hey, Alice, sure is an honor to be invited to the most important affair of the year. You know, everybody just isn't invited. It's a selected group. Did you realize that we're going to be hobnobbing with the best people like senators and ambassadors? And good morning, Philip. While I'm in Washington, I'm going to have this guy repealed. Better yet, I'm going to have his mother investigated. Why do you want to have my mother investigated? Having a child like you must be un-American. Oh, Bill, stop picking on Willie. Honey, I thought you and I were going to be alone in Washington. Why did Willie have to tag along? After all, we're the ones who were invited to the ball. Well, that's what I dropped in to see you about, Philip. I have news that will make you very happy. Guess what the president gave me? Twenty-four hours to get out of the country. Not pleased, Philip. No, his office sent me an invitation to the ball tonight. Oh, you're going to the ball, Willie? Yes, Alice. Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, Bill, aren't you happy? Gloriosky. Just a bundle of happiness. How'd you ever get an invitation anyway? I just went to see my congressman and he arranged it. It was as simple as that. Look, will you get lost books? Go over to the Smithsonian Institute and stand in a case. Will you? I'll send for you. Please. You never seem to want me around. Philip, I'm beginning to think you don't like me. That's a nice beginning, Bernard. Keep working on it. Well, I don't care if you want me there or not, Philip. I'm going to the ball. I'd better run now. I have to buy some black-lyle hoes to wear with my full-dress suit. Goodbye. Black-lyle hoes. The guy's too cheap to buy the right stuff for formal wear. What's wrong with black-lyle hoes? Well, with a full-dress suit, you should wear the best, like me. What are you going to wear? Black and white argyles, of course. Maybe with a clock in them, if I get lucky. Oh, that should look very dapper, especially with your yellow shoes. Yeah. Phil, you'd better take your full-dress suit out of the truck and get it ready. All right, all right. Now that I know Willie's going to be there, I almost don't feel like going. A square like that gets an invitation, and Frankie, a swell guy, and my best friend, don't. I don't know. I think your best friend is a little jealous. Frankie's mad because you're going and he isn't. Don't be silly. Yeah, Remly ain't like that. He's the most coming. Frankie's never been jealous of anything I got. Even if he ain't going, he's going to be happy to know that I am. Oh, hiya, Frankie. I despise you. What's the matter with you? To think you'd go to the ball without me. I've never been so hurt. Look, Frankie, I cried myself to sleep last night. Believe me, kid, I'm sorry. My little blue eyes were pink this morning. Your little blue eyes are pink every morning, and let's forget it. I tried to get an invitation for you, Remly, but I couldn't. I was lucky to get an invitation for Alice and me. Alice? You mean you're taking that woman instead of me? That woman happens to be my wife. That's the darndest excuse I ever heard of. Why do you want to take Alice to the ball when you could take me? Why do I? Look, Remly, a whole still just a minute. I'm waiting. Let me put it this way. If you were offered sparkling champagne, would you settle for a stale beer? Your analogy is hardly apropos. Curly, I never thought you'd let a woman come between us. I never thought Alice would have. Phil, Phil, did you see that? Oh, hello, Frankie. I said hello, Frankie. Don't hello me, you invitation snatcher. What brought that on? Oh, pay no attention to him, honey. He's just sore because he ain't going to the ball. Oh, I'm sorry about that, Frankie. I had my heart set on going. No, I'm not. Oh, Frankie, don't take on so. Come here. Come here. Now, look, if I give you a little kiss, will that make you feel better? I don't know. Let's try and see what happens. OK, come here. Does that make you feel any better? I can't tell you. Try to get it. All right, all right. Break it up. Will you move back a little bit? I'm still unhappy. I said break it up. Alice, you don't have to kiss him. Oh, but Philly's unhappy, and I'm just trying to cheer him up. Send him a joke book. Now, look, Alice, you better go in the bedroom and get dressed. I'm going to get my full dress suit out of the trunk. All right. See you later, Frankie. OK. Hey, Ramley, fine. Oh, man, where do you get a load of me in that full dress suit? I'm a dream, kid. Oh, you're going to see a ram ram. Oh, when I get that soft stuff on, kid, I'm going to be hard to handle. Look, Suze, I get it out of the trunk. I'll show it to you. Do hurry. I can hardly wait. Yeah, it's right here on the hanger. It's really a... Oh, no. Oh, it's slipped off. It's lying on the bottom of the... Oh, look at it. It's all crumpled up. I'm never going to be able to wear this like this. What am I going to do? I guess you just won't be able to go to the ball, Cinderella. Oh, look, it's too late to have it pressed now. I... Hey, wait a minute. Hey, Alice bought an iron with her. I can use that to press my own suit. Hey, Frankie, help me. Will you look? I'll heat the iron, and you take the suit in the bathroom and dampen it. All right, give me the suit. I think with my talent, I've got to be a valet. Hurry up, yes, will you? Well, come on with it. Well, Bill, Bill, have you seen my curling iron? Alice, how would I know where it is? What would I be doing with your curling iron? Well, I need it right away. Will you please look for it? I ain't got the time. Use mine. Hey, did you got that suit dampened, Jess? Yeah, yeah, I got it. Here it is. Well, let me have it so I can start pressing. Well, I better ring it out first. What do you mean, ring it out? Ring it out. Like that. Oh, look at that suit. It's soaked. I told you just to dampen it. I did. How? I held it under the shower. No, Remly, I can't go to the ball in this waterlog suit. Now, how am I going to explain this to the president? I'll get a fishbowl and put it over your head. What for? You can tell him you're a deep sea diver going formal. Wait a minute. I ain't got no time for no jokes. Now, hand me that iron, and I'll try to press it. I better put you up, Curly, or I'll iron sprung a leak. Oh, what if you stop with that? I'm never going to be able to press this suit. It's too soggy. There's no body to it. I don't get excited, Curly. I'll admit this is a problem. But like always, I have a solution. Well, solution me. Simple. Starch it. Starch it, huh? Starch it. Starch it. That's it. Yeah, that might do it. Yeah, the laundry always uses starch in my shirts. Hey, look, Frankie, I haven't got much time. Look, call room service and get some starch while I take a shower. OK. How much starch do you think I ought to get? One box? No, no, that's pretty big suit. You better get two boxes. The suit's awful wet. I better get three. Well, hurry up, will you? I'm going to take my shower. Oh, boy, I can't wait for that ball tonight. No doubt the press will ask me to sing. Probably goes for that high-class stuff. I think I'll sing the bell song from Lotka. No, no, no, I got to tune. I got to tune it'll be crazy a lot. Preacher went out walking, was on one Sunday morning. It was against his religion, but he took that gun along. He shot himself some mighty fine quail and one little measly hare. But on his way, returning home, he let a great big grizzly bear. Now the bear got down in the middle of the road on all fours like a great big toad and looked at preacher right square. And I and the preacher looked at him and said bye-bye. Preacher got up, took out the run. The bear right after that preacher didn't come. And he run, and he run for about a mile. And the preacher sat down and rested a while. Preacher got up, started again. Bear right after him with more vim. And he ran, and he ran to the spot of the tree. Said, up on the limb was the place for me. Bear reached out, made a grab for him. Preacher leaped, and he raided the limb. Pulled himself up and turned about, cast his eyes to the skies, and he didn't shout. Oh, Lord, you delivered Daniel from the lion's den. Also delivered Jonah from the belly of the whale. And then the brute chillin' from the fiery furnace of the good book, Newt Declare. Yes, Lord, if you can't help me, we're gonna say don't help that man. Not just about them, that limb let go. And the preacher come tumbling down. Reached in his pocket, pulled his razor out just before he hit the ground. He hit the ground with an awful bang. It was a terrible sight. That preacher, the bear, raised in his hair just to cut and left and right. Rolled around on the ground. The preacher was up, and then he was down. The bear let out an awful moan. Looked like the preacher was holding his own. Said, if I get out of here alive for that good book, I will abide. I'll never sin on Sabbath day and Sunday. Come, I'll pray and pray to the heavens. He did glad, said, Lord, just give me one more chance than his to spend his game away. And he knocked that bear 10 feet away. Preacher got up, made a bound for the tree, where he'd be safe and sound. Pulled himself up and turned about, cast his eyes in the skies, and he did shout, Oh, Lord, you delivered Daniel from the lion's den. Also delivered Jonah from the belly of the whale. And then the brute chillin' from the fiery furnace of the good book, Newt Declare. It's long. If you can't help me for good or sakes, don't help that bear. That was a nice refreshing shower. Feel wonderful now. I wonder if Remly got that starch. Hey, Remly. Hey, did you get the starch? I not only got it, I put it in a suit and pressed it for him. Ah, you're wonderful, you baby boy. You all be right out, I'm just trying. Hey, I feel a great shower. Yeah. Exhilarating. Only thing to do with water. Yeah, it feels wonderful, yeah. Where's my suit, Remly? Suit's right here. Yeah. Lay it on the table. I want to see how, see what it looks like. OK. Frankie, what did you do to it? What's the matter? Is something wrong? Well, it looks like rigor mortis set in. It's as hard as a rock. Yeah, but look at the way it holds a crease. That ain't so hard. Then why did the pants shatter and the sleeves break off? Lack of calcium. Stop making with them things. Now you see, I can't wear this thing. Why not? You'll attract attention. Get publicity. Get. Hey, you think so? Well, sure. I can see the headlines now. Bill Harris shows up at an inaugural ball in a full dress suit, stiff as a board. I got news for you. You did this on purpose. Yes, you did. Now, what am I going to do? I can't go to the ball without a full dress suit. Well, why don't you rent one? There ain't one left in town. Willie rented the last one yesterday. There ain't no place where you could go now. Hey, hey, Remly. We could sneak into his room and lift it. Yeah. And if he don't have a suit, I could use his invitation. Let's go, Penrod. OK, Sam. Hey, Curly, are you sure this is Willie's room? Dirtley, can't you tell? He would have it locked. Feel awful silly climbing through the transit like this. Get up there and quiet. Now, quiet now. Yeah. All right, all together. Let's jump down into the room. Well, what these Republicans won't do to get a room in Washington. Hey, it's Fred Oliver. In all of it, it soaks up the good stuff, Harris. What is the idea of coming into my room through the transit? Well, I'm sorry, Fred. Look, I don't mind you being a little high, but this is ridiculous. Tell me, Phil, what are you doing in Washington? I was invited to the inaugural ball. Oh, the inaugural ball. An R left over from the oyster season last night. Tell me, how are things in California, Phil? Oh, they're great, Fred. Great. Hey, that reminds me, the old man's sonny's regards. The old man? Yeah, Jackson. You know, Jack Benny. Oh, is he still alive? That's right, of course he is. I remember reading about the new business he started during the snowstorm out in Beverly Hills. What business? Well, Benny was putting butter on snowballs and selling them for oranges out there. Oh, hey, that's terrific, Fred. You got a sensational sense of humor, isn't it, Frankie? I can take him or leave him. Who is this good humor man with the... good humor man with the pistachio expression? Well, Fred, don't you know who this is? No, but there are only two kinds of people who look like that, Phil. Those with sour stomachs and sponsors. This is Frankie Remley. Oh, how are you, Frankie? I'm all right, but what's the matter with you? Nothing's the matter with me. Why? Those bags under your eyes, you're breaking in a saddle for Roy Rogers. I have a funny answer for that, but why should I give you an extra laugh on your show? Hey, cut, cut, now. Don't you guys get what I'm looking for? Well, he started it. No, but I know, but we've got business to do now. We've got to get away with it. I'll make it feel so small he'll go out through the keyhole. No, but Fred, now look, he's a nice kid, and we're looking for, hey, Fred, maybe you can help me. Have you got a full dress suit or maybe a tuxedo you can lend me? Oh, you're a little too late, Phil. I had a tuxedo, but Portland loaned it to her uncle last week. Oh, Fred, I need one badly. Can you get it back from him? Well, I guess I could, but gosh, I'd hate to dig him up just for that, Phil. See you later, Phil. Don't hug, Fred. That Alan's a great guy. Ain't he, Frankie? I'll have to say so. Come on, we've got to get Willie's invitation and dress suit. This time, pick the right room, will you? Well, look, Willie's room must be right on the other side of ours. I thought that it was on the other side. Well, Phil, sir, will you come in a minute? I'm going to ask you something. But look, Alice, I'm in the case they asked me to sing tonight. What do you think of this tune? A secret, a secret, I've got a little secret. A secret, a secret, a secret kind of secret. Making Porter shout it to every daffodil and tells the world about it. In fact, I think I will. If this isn't love, the whole world is crazy. If this isn't love, I'm damped as the daisies. Moons all around and cows jumping over. And I'll eat my hat if this isn't love. On top of William Tell, with this I cannot grapple. Because, because, you're so adorable. If this isn't love, then winter is, my heart needs a plumber. Get the suit and invitation before that certain party returns. Oh, Frankie, it ain't no use. The suitor willies don't fit me. I don't know. You got it on, didn't you? Yeah, just barely. But it's too tight. Look at the way these pants clink to my legs. How's it look, Remly? Very alluring. Looks like black underwear. Okay, I don't care what it looks like. I got my heart set on going to that ball and I'm going. Hey, now that we've found Willie's invitation, you're going too, huh? Yeah, I can... Wait a minute. I just happened to think I haven't got a full dress suit either. Oh, kid. You're out of luck. Where could you possibly get one? I don't know, but I'm going to get one if I have to go through every transom in this hotel. Let's go. Come on. Well, come on, Curly. I'm in a hurry. Move faster. I can't. I keep telling you, I can't. Dress suitor willies has choking me all over. If I make one sudden move, I'm going to split it. Well, stop waddling. You look ridiculous. No, Mr. Remly. It's my guy, no pendulum. I'm going to the president's ball and this is my full dress suit. This is a full dress suit? Hardly. How do I look, kid? Just happens to have a well-turned ankle all the way up to the knee. Well, maybe I am a little bow-legged. A little. You're making fun of me. You look a little baggy yourself. What do you got on under that overcoat? My full dress, patient to the ball. You're wearing a full dress suit? What do you think? A little short. Maybe if you walk on your knees. I mean, it's right. What's a try? Maybe we can make it. Julius, stand still. Hey, you guys, quit me. I think we can get away with this, Curly. We can try it. Let's get started. Grab him, Frankie. Got him. A little slow music, Remly, while I just rubbed this carry. Stop taking my collar. Hold still, Julius. Let go of me. Back up a little bit. Give me back my pen. I'm waiting to get into the ball. Yeah. Hey, Frankie. You look silly wearing Willy's full dress suit. It's so tight I can't bend over. What are you kicking about? Julius is even smaller on me. You look pretty good, innit? Oh, yeah. Yeah. At least we got into the ball. We can keep our overcoats on till we get inside and nobody ain't gonna notice this in the crowd. Fellas, why are you both walking so funny? You've been acting so strange ever since we left the hotel. What do you mean strange? Well, it's the first time I ever saw two guys ride in a taxi standing up. What's the matter with you? Oh, Miss Faye, I'm on the reception committee. I'd like you to come over and meet the Secretary of the Interior. Oh, it's a pleasure. My husband and I will be honored to meet him. Oh, by the way, this is my husband. How do you do, Mr. Faye? Just follow me, please. Oh, gee, Phil, this is thrilling. Just think, we're meeting the Secretary of the Interior. Oh, gee. Gosh, I'm so flustered. Oh, Phil, I dropped my glove. I'll get him, please. Billy, don't. Oh, no. Oh, no, my suit. This would happen just when I'm going to meet a cabinet member. Meet him anyway, Curly. I can't wait to see this. Oh, see what? The Secretary of the Interior meeting the Secretary of the Exterior. My arm, Alice. Shall we go in? Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. But right now, here's your Rexall family druggist. The other day, one of my favorite customers came into the store, and she seemed in a bit of a hurry. Can you wait on me right away? Today's wash day, and I've got to get right back to the house. I wonder how you'd feel if you had a wash day that lasted a solid week. Oh, heaven forbid. Whatever made you think of that? Well, you just happen to remind me that one formula for Rexall's pure test milk of Magnesia requires the product to be washed, often as long as a full week. Why do they go to all that trouble? So they can be sure it's pure enough to meet Rexall's standards. You know, every time you tell me something like that, I'm thankful all over again that you started me using Rexall product. Well, believe me, it makes us independent Rexall druggists feel good too, and we stop to remember that every one of the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall drug company get the same kind of patient painstaking attention. And it makes us proud of the orange and blue Rexall sign in our windows that tells folks ours are the only stores where you can get those products. But the best part of all is the feeling of absolute confidence we have when we tell our customers you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall. Hey, Curly, it's too bad you didn't get into the ball. Wonderful, Phil. All right, all right, don't rub it in. I planned on it for a long time, and I felt sure I was going to be at that president's inaugural ball. Oh, Phil, Phil, his telegram just came for you. Well, what does it say? Read it to me, honey. Well, just a minute now. It says, uh... It says, dear Phil, don't feel too badly. I thought I was going to be there, too. Signed Tom Dewey. The program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips, the heart of Frankie Gremlin, was played by Elliot Lewis, and Julius was played by Walter Tendley. Alice Faye appeared to the courtesy of 20th Century Fox. This is Bill Foreman, wishing good health to all from Rexall. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.