 Welcome to the broadcast, I'm David Feldman. Last night, Newt Gingrich's second wife, Marianne, appeared on Nightline to reveal that before their divorce, Newt requested an open marriage. Mr. Speaker, I got news for you. A real president doesn't ask his wife for an open marriage. He cheats and gets away with it. Open marriage, free love, yeah. Apparently, Newt dug that whole 1960s vibe except the going to Vietnam part. During last night's debate in South Carolina, the morbidly obese Gingrich released his 2011 tax returns and listed Sarah Lee as one of his dependents. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney has yet to release his tax returns, but this week, Romney did say he earned $400,000 last year in speaking fees. Imagine how much more money Romney could have earned if he charged to shut the hell up. $400,000 in speaking fees, which for Mitt Romney comes out to roughly $200,000 for each side of his mouth. The Republican Party is now saying that Rick Santorum was the real winner of the Iowa caucus, so even Romney's victory in Iowa turned out to be a fabrication. Republican Party officials said they will really never be sure who won Iowa because they are incapable of counting all the votes, but we're supposed to trust them when they insist the Bush tax cuts add up. Texas Governor Rick Perry quit his run for the Republican nomination. Now that they're both out of the race, maybe it will finally occur to Rick Perry and Michelle Bachman that Jesus' plan for them is to shut up about Jesus. Well, the South Carolina prime area is tomorrow and it's getting pretty ugly, which is the subject of Frank Connoff's America. Hello, welcome to Frank Connoff's America. I'm Frank Connoff and I'm talking to Kim Mahoney, the head of a media watchdog organization. Yes, I have been very disturbed by negative advertising and political campaigns, so I have formed a group called Negative Advertising Must Be Labeled Awful. Nambla? Uh, yeah, I guess. Anyway, the point is, negative advertising is out of control, especially in South Carolina right now. Do you have some examples? Yes, here's a negative ad against Newt Gingrich that actually backfired. You all know that Newt Gingrich has a half million dollar charge account at Tiffany's. But what's even more shocking is that he thinks the Mickey Rooney scenes in breakfast at Tiffany's are funny. That backfired? Yes, people in South Carolina love racist humor, so that ad ended up actually helping Newt. But this negative ad against Rick Santorum is really over the top. RICK SANTORUM Rick Santorum claims that he believes gay marriage leads to bestiality. But what has he ever done to protect your pet from gay sex? While he was a United States senator, not a single animal control unit was ever sent to a gay bar. The truth is, Rick Santorum has never done anything to prevent married gay canine sex. Maybe that's why he can't even get elected dog catcher. Wow, that is harsh. I know. And this attack ad against Ron Paul is ruthless. Back in the 1980s, Ron Paul published a newsletter the contents of which will shock you. On the back of this publication, there was an ad for x-ray specs. People sent away for them and found that the claims that they could see through things were false. In fact, if you wore them, you couldn't even read the Ron Paul newsletter's tirades against blacks, gays, and Jews, which South Carolinians like you would have enjoyed. Ron Paul. What a little friggin' weirdo. Seems like there was a mixed message in that ad. Yes, but the message of this anti-Mitt Romney ad is quite clear. Mitt Romney claims to be a wealthy aristocrat who couldn't care less about poor people. But a poverty-stricken black lady told him a sob story and Mitt Romney gave her $50. Not surprisingly, this irresponsible woman went out and blew it on her electric bill. Would you feel safe knowing that black folks are wantonly paying their utility bills? In the Mitt Romney America, it will happen all the time. And every time a black person turns on a lamp, they are turning off the light switch on American freedom. That's amazing. I know. But a lot of people are trying to prevent my organization from exposing and outlawing negative attack ads. In fact, we've put together a spot to try and fight back against this. A lot of powerful people in South Carolina are trying to prevent us from speaking out against negative attack ads. Well, we think you should know that these people are all life-beating alcoholic drug addicts who work as prostitutes and have AIDS. Don't let these despicable Cretans stop us from speaking out against a hateful level of discourse in modern politics. You know, I have to say the tone of that ad was a bit nasty. You see, right now, you are engaging in exactly the kind of negativity that is hurting our country so much. Well, you've raised some interesting points. And thank you for being my guest on Frank Conniff's America. Screw you. Burger King announced it would begin home deliveries, thereby solving America's obesity problem. If your obesity problem is being unable to squeeze out of your home. Speaking of America's obesity problem, the food channels Paula Deen announced that she and diabetes have formed a partnership to become America's third leading cause of death. Actually, Paula Deen, who has made a career out of teaching people, had a cook with more butter and more sugar, announced that she is suffering from diabetes. Shocking. Not sure Paula Deen understands the gravity of the situation because when the doctor told her there was sugar in her urine, she drank it. Then she unveiled her latest recipe, amputated leg of lamb. Actually, Paula Deen is using her diabetes as a teaching moment, telling viewers to replace the palm oil with canola oil in her recipe for deep fried cheesecake. ["Pomp and Circumstance"] It's always happened during the best part of handle. Is it Halloween already? No, Eddie. This isn't a costume. I am the real Mayor McChese. I thought I caught a whiff of special sauce wafting from your armpits. Please come in, Your Excellency. Thank you, Eddie, but my ginormous burger noggin won't fit through the door. But tell me, why haven't I seen you around McDonald's lately? Well, you see... And don't say you're on a diet, son. Well, look at you tells me otherwise. Oh, Mr. Mayor, I still love McDonald's more than life itself. It's just Burger King now, Delivis. Burger King? You disloyal cur! It takes energy to get off the couch, get in my car, turn the key, drive it two miles to the nearest McDonald's, roll down the window, reach out, and lift that bag of greasiness onto the trash-covered passenger seat. I'm not Superman! And I'm telling you again, Burger King Delivis! Who made obesity your constant companion? You did. Who gave you the adult-onset diabetes, too, that cost you three toes? Four toes. You did. And who turned your arteries into a mayonnaise delivery system? That was actually Paula Deen, but you gave me the diarrhea. I can't take the trash can to the curb unless I bring an extra pair of pants. Eddie, the mark of the golden arches is seared into your soul. And we're not going to lose you to some upstart who calls himself Burger King, no matter what it takes. You mean you'll deliver to me? That's right, Eddie. I'm going to deliver. My poor heart is fluttering, though that's probably a thrombosis. But I'm tired of doing it the slow way. What do you mean? McDonald's has been killing you one saucy McNugget, one rubbery McRib, one chocolatey shake, one sausage McBuffin with cheese at a time. What's with that red and gold submachine gun? Is that a Happy Meal Prize? Eddie, I'm about to save everyone two years and a lot of cardboard wrappers on the dashboard of your car. I'm going to kill you now. Eat lead. Do you want prize without? I just hope they have a McDonald's in heaven. They don't. But they do have one where you're going, you poor sap. Come in, Golden Arts is won. This is the McBretts squad. The catcher has been squeezed over and out. By the way, I forgot to mention that while announcing her diabetes, Paula Deen also touted a new diabetes drug she's being paid to endorse. But it turns out that new diabetes drug she's raving about was the sugar pill from the placebo group. Well, Thursday was the last debate before tomorrow's South Carolina primary. Frank Conif and Eddie Pepitone worked the red carpet and tell us this year in South Carolina, white is definitely the new black. Welcome everybody to the 17th Republican debate red carpet. I'm Frank Conif along with Eddie Pepitone and attention is almost too much to bear. Who will win the GOP debate? And what are they wearing? We're about to find out. Well, that sure was a surprise to see John Huntsman drop out this early, huh, Eddie? Who? John Huntsman, Governor John Huntsman. Does it ring a bell? Hey, here comes Newt Gaybridge and his lovely wife, Callista. Mr. Speaker. Good to see you. You too, Mr. Speaker. Hi, Frank. Hello, Eddie. Hello, Mr. Speaker. How do you feel going into tonight's debate? That's absolutely the most idiotic question I've ever been asked. Don't worry, Newt. Frank's got plenty more of those. And what are you wearing? It's a blue suit, Frank. And what is it made out of? I believe it's made out of wool. I thought so. And Mrs. Gaybridge, you look absolutely radiant. Thank you so much, Frank. Where did you get that lovely jewelry? This is the most outrageous line of questioning my wife has ever been subjected to. If the presidency were decided on the basis of the candidate's wives, it'd be a landslide. Frank really means it, Newt. I found a stash of Callista pictures under his mattress. Mrs. Gaybridge, I've been a fan of yours for a long time. I loved when you played Newt's mistress for eight years. Wasn't that you? Yes, Frank, that was me. You were so totally believable as the other woman. I wanted to hate you for breaking up Newt's marriage. I really did. I know what you mean, Frank. People were always coming up to me on the street and saying, what a horrible person I was. Newt was the real piece of crap. Mr. Speaker, how much did you prepare for this debate? Do you do exhaustive research like some candidates, or do you improvise once the cameras start rolling? I hate to rehearse, Frank. I like to be in the moment and bird out of whatever I feel like saying, whether it makes any sense or not. In the industry, you've been labeled difficult. You must be certifiably insane to suggest that. Mr. Speaker, I heard a story that you and Rick Santorum are old friends and you've secretly agreed to vote for each other. Is that true? That doesn't make any sense. Yet it's still the most disgusting idea I have ever heard. Of course, I'm sure there's a lot of competitiveness between candidates. But isn't it an honor just to be on the ballot? No, Frank, it isn't. But I'd certainly be honored if Santorum would get the hell out. But then we wouldn't get to see all the losers' faces when the winner is announced and he goes up to collect the nomination. That's my favorite part. My favorite part, Newt, was when you were impeaching Clinton, but it turned out you were cheating on your wife. Yeah, no one saw that coming. But it's those great stories that keep people tuning in year after year. They can't wait to see what kind of impossible situation I'm going to get out of next. And what crazy excuses I'm going to make up this time. I am hooked. Anyway, congratulations, Mr. Speaker. And you too, Mrs. Gingrich. Thank you, Frank. It's so great to see you again. Good luck tonight. That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. There they go, folks. Doesn't Kalista look flawless, Eddie? Yeah, I love during this step for the wives. And here comes Rick Santorum and his lovely wife. Rick, welcome to the debate. Great to be here, Frank. How do you compete with Mitt Romney? He's got a huge reputation. Obviously, he's a bigger star. Does that affect your performance? Are you always thinking about winning? Well, you can't think about winning every minute of the day, Frank. Of course, I would like to win. But I just have to give the best performance I can and hope that people will believe it. And what are you wearing? This is a blue suit. What about the tie? It's red. And the shoes? Floor shine. Now you're here with your wife and all seven of your children. That must be exciting for you. We didn't plan all of our kids being here tonight. In fact, we didn't plan any of our kids. I heard that. Thank you for speaking with us. And congratulations. Good luck tonight. I'll pray for you, Eddie. Thanks for a good idea. And here's the man of the hour, Mitt Romney, Governor Romney. Would you mind? I'm sorry, Frank. But I never speak to the press unless I'm clarifying something I've already said. Could you just give us a minute, Governor Romney? Your colleagues, Gingrich and Santorum, spoke to us. What did they say about me? I'd like a chance for a rebuttal, if I may. Of course. First off, what are you wearing? Well, this is a blue suit with a red tie. It's very distinguished. And of course, your magic underwear. Which I'm sure you had made special. My wife picks out my clothes. She knows all about those things. She's right here with me, where she always is, by my side, as a wife should be, regardless of your religion. Hello, Mrs. Romney. Are you having fun tonight? I've been having fun with Mitt for 42 years. That's true, Frank. We've been married for 45 years. The secret to a long-lasting marriage is you don't get divorced. And they say nobody stays married in Washington. I'm not of Washington, Frank. I'm an outsider. I don't fit in there. And if I'm elected president and move into the White House, you're going to see someone who obviously doesn't belong there, either. So are you excited about tonight? Do you know what you're going to say yet? I can't tell you my strategy. I'm sworn to secrecy. But I will probably say whatever comes to me that will help me win. You call that a secret? Now, Governor, some have criticized you as being too political. They say you try too hard to be taken seriously when you should just concentrate on making people laugh. Too bad. I never worry about people not liking me. I already know they don't. But this isn't a popularity contest. Not with you in it. Then you always take time to talk to people who come up to you. Not everyone does that. I will talk to anyone, Frank. To me, everyone is special. And every group of people is special. That's why I say something different to every group of people I speak to. I never say the same thing twice. I noticed that. You're so imaginative. It's hard to believe it's the same guy talking. You're so many different characters. Thank you. I am a chameleon. But a chameleon who never changes. Well, don't ever change. I won't. But even if I do, I won't admit it. Good luck tonight, and congratulations. Nice to meet you. We're not getting divorced. Take care. Is that Josh Brolin? I think it's, no, it's Rick Perry. Looks like he's going stag tonight, just him and his friend. Obviously a good friend. Yeah, obviously. I can smell their perfume from here. Coming up, another episode of Dooley's Tavern. As many of you know, Congress is considering a piece of legislation called SOPA, the Stop Online Piracy Act. It's controversial and complicated. But if you want to know where you should stand on it, Rupert Murdoch is in favor of SOPA. That's all you need to know. In fact, Rupert narrates a pretty convincing documentary on why SOPA is vital for our economy. So I suggest you download it for free off Lime Wire. To protest SOPA on Wednesday, many of our favorite internet sites became unavailable. Three seconds after Wikipedia went black, the Kardashian sisters attempted to marry it. Will Ryan and the Cactus County Cowboys have decided to put together a song reflecting the conflicting views of copyright issues. So here's a new copyrighted work performed solo by Will Ryan, who has stolen the words and music from an old 19th century drinking song. I call it, hey anacria, hey anacria, oh-huh, mm-hmm. Hey anacria, hey anacria, oh-huh, mm-hmm. To anacrian in heaven, where he sat in full glee, a few sons of harmony sent in a petition that he very inspired and patron would be when this answer arrived from that jolly old grishan. Voice fiddling flute, no longer be mute, I will lend thee my name and inspire thee to boot and teach thee like me forever to entwine the myrtle of thickness. With bark as his back, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. The myrtle of thickness, with bark as his back. To anacria, hey anacria, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I don't recognize the lyrics or the tune, but it makes me want to play baseball. Francis Scott Key took that song. Mm-hmm. Well, Francis did and made up a poem around that song and now by act of Congress it's a hit. And the Key family gets a nickel every time we sing it? Not a. Nothing? Nah. But happy birthday is protected. Welcome back. It's time once again to wet your whistle at Dooley's Tavern, where your host, good ol' Mr. Dooley, knows that the solutions to all the world's problems are right in front of you, at the bottom of your glass. Ah, afternoon, Chester. Hey, afternoon, Dooley. Where have you been, Chester? I haven't seen you in ages. I was in intensive care. I think it was that guineas you served me last week. That'd be the motor oil. I confused a case of beer with a case of valvoline. I almost died, Dooley. How do you think I feel? I nearly ruined my de-soto. To make it up to you, I'll take 10% off your first beer. Domestic brands only. Gee, thanks, Dooley. Let me find one of the old ones here in the back of the cooler. Dooley, you really gotta do something about those cockroaches. Don't worry, Chester. They're getting poisoned from my free lunch. This is what happens when you bribe the health inspectors not to close you down. Naomi Fishbine, I thought you said you'd never come back here. Well, since you firebombed the vegan restaurant next door, head eat lunch somewhere. Rick Santorum is campaigning in the area, and he promised to drop by. He's an ignorant know-nothing who hates gays and wants to control women's wombs. You're right. He is a Catholic. And here he is now. Welcome, Senator Santorum. Good day, Mr. Dooley. When I become president, I look forward to cutting your taxes as well as your access to reproductive services. Miss? Hey, Mr. Santorum. Who's your friend? And how come he's on a gurney? This is my grandfather, Arnie Santorum. He had a stroke ten years ago and is on life support. He begs me to let him die, but unfortunately for Grandpa, I revere life. So why are you pushing him around like a shopping cart full of zucchinis? I need to use the men's room. Could you keep an eye on Grandpa Santorum here? I'd be honored. That codger looks like he needs a stiff one. Here, Chester. Pour a slug of this bourbon in his IV bag. Is that a good idea? Even if the old coot gets fallen down drunk, he's already in bed. Come on, drink up, Gramps. Hope you like old drove. Come on, baby. Another satisfied customer. That is pathetic. I agree. Jim Beam is much smoother. Thank you for looking after Grandpa Santorum, Mr. Dooley. What are you doing with my condom machine? I tore it off the wall because I oppose all forms of contraception. Don't get all hot and bothered, Holy Joe. Those French ticklers have more holes than a gopher farm. I sell them cheap, so when they break, the customers will use my abortion clinic. You provide abortion on demand? Not on demand. On the second floor. Naomi, show them your loyalty card. Two more abortions and I qualify for a free one. That's it. I'm getting out of here. Sorry to see you go. Your Gramps is really a cool guy. Why are you lying with him on that bed? He was just having a nip. What's that under his oxygen tent? Grandpa Santorum got another tent. In his pants! The old gentleman stood at attention as soon as Chester started spooning with him. Oh, no. Grandpa Santorum can't be a son of mine. There must be a way to test it. Naomi, unzip your sweater. Never! He's a Republican! I'll give you 10% off your next abortion, but not the week after Valentine's Day. Oh, all right. Here! Grandpa's Woody just went... Timber! That's no test. So did Malaine. There's only one sure way to tell. You could run the star-spangled banner up that thing and have room for a couple of state flags. That's it, Grandpa Santorum. I'm pulling the plug on you, you fruit fly! So long, Pinko Socialists! I can't believe you let people like Rick Santorum in your bar. It'll never happen again, and I'll never vote for him. Because he's an awful bigot who hates gay people and wants to abolish women's reproductive rights. No, because he was in my bar for 20 minutes. I didn't even order a drink. And he thinks we're un-American. Thanks for listening. Today's show featured Janie Haddad Tompkins, Frank Conniff, Rick Overton, Chris Pina, Paul Dooley, Katie Lee, Jeremy Kramer, Chris Bono, and Dylan Brody. Our show was written by Steve Rosenfield, Guy Nicolucci, and Frank Conniff. We are mixed and engineered by Alex Steen, edited by Darren Ayers, our production assistant is Alicia Cordova, and our executive producer is Troy Conrad. Special thanks to Matt Perez, Ali Lexa, Jimmy Dore, and of course, Alan Minsky. To hear a rebroadcast of our program or for additional materials including podcasts, please go to DavidFeltmanComedy.com. I invite you to friend me on Facebook. From the KPFK Studios in Southern California, I'm David Feldman. Thank you for joining us.