 Today's podcast is brought to you by FreshBooks.com. Get a 30-day free trial at gofreshbooks.com forward slash David Feldman show. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. Welcome to the broadcast on David Feldman, DavidFeldmanShow.com. Please friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, do all your Amazon shopping via the David Feldman show website. We get a small percentage. I want to congratulate Patton Oswald for winning an Emmy Sunday night. He deserves it. He's one of the kindest people in the world. Even when Aziz Ansari announced the winner, he complimented Patton for being such a great human being. I was at the Emmys and I was one of the 90 writers nominated for the Triumphanus Elcomic Dogs special. We were up against Patton and I could not pretend to be happier for Patton. If I and the 900 writers had elused anybody, it would be Patton, so that was great. Well, you know, when I started doing stand-up comedy, I had a hero and his name was Woody Allen and then I moved to San Francisco and I saw a comic who was the complete antithesis of Woody Allen. He was confident, loud, brash, said what was on his mind, didn't tell stories that were fabricated, spoke the truth. He was just the complete opposite of Woody Allen and he became my hero. I wanted to be this guy. I wanted to be Bobby Slaton who is starring in Woody Allen's new series, Crisis in Sixteen. Guest starring in what episode? Guest starring in one episode. That's not starring. It's not even guest starring. Well, you weren't even my hero, so... A small part of one scene in one episode, but okay. Big thing for me. A man who has dinner frequently with Woody Allen who is in Woody Allen's new series for Amazon. Crisis in Sixteen's. It premieres September 30th. He is also in Manhattan this week to shoot Woody Allen's new movie. Two scenes, two little scenes, but it doesn't matter. It's Woody Allen. It's all good. It's Woody Allen. Woody Allen. You're working with what you know, Woody Allen. I know a lot of people. But you know Woody Allen and this man, Bobby Slaton, without a doubt the greatest club comic who's ever done it. Well, you know, wait a second. There's a couple of guys better than me. Nobody works a club audience better than Bobby Slaton. That's because the guys that are really great like Louis C.K. and David Tall and Bill Borobo moved out to theaters and stadiums and things, so I'm one of the few guys left playing the clubs. Well, but there is an art to playing clubs. You're in the moment, I mean, you're okay. Well, I've been doing it for 40 years. I was told in front of my the other day, you know, he says, guy, you know, you're really good comic. And why can't we do anything else? We can't drop a stick shift. I can't play an instrument. I can't really act. I can't. Yes, you can. I act like me, you know, I play me, but there's nothing else I can really do. I can't, you know, I'm in a OK cook, but I try to perfect pizza for years that every Mexican of Puerto Rican making four bucks an hour out throughout the village makes a fine pie. I can't figure out how to do it. So there's not really a lot I can do. I was a good father. I was a pretty good husband, I think, to my wife. And and that's it. You know, also people say you sit right. People go, what did you write, Bobby? I don't want to write. I don't want to be in a room with your other assholes and have to sit there behind a desk. I mean, that's I write for myself. You know, you write for, you know, puppets and and people and all kinds of things. So there's there's there's an art to it. Obviously, don't do it very well. You don't want an Emmy, but you know, you still do it. I think it was a John Oliver. No, that was best there was two separate. I don't understand. You, you, you, you, you're people. You know, like 30 or 40 writers in your 30,000, right? 30,000 writers up against Patton. And would you each get you would each get an Emmy? Yeah, but we didn't get it. Patton got it. Well, so that's one guy beat like 30 writers. Yeah, good for him. Good for him. You are a great writer. Anybody who's on Facebook, it's this new social media site. You should check it out. Bobby should be friended. I would assume you're at the limit with your friends. You've been at the limit with your friends before Facebook. Yeah, but you should follow Bobby because you write these amazing posts. You and Kevin Rooney write these great posts. I don't really do that much anymore. I mean, I write stuff, but I don't think I was right. Political stuff. How much I hit a Donald Trump. And all I get is, you know, people wear my thread. They start fighting for 40 pages. Well, it's not worth it anymore. You know, what I usually do is I just post something about going to a great Italian restaurant or a great meal or put a picture of one of the Woody Allen comedian dinners, you know. And I would have been invited to one of those dinners. We don't have the dinners very often. I have to be in town. Woody has to be in town. My friend who hosts the party has to be in town. And to find other comedians to be here, you know, the best one we did one with Lewis Black and David Bretter, you know, the late great David Bretter, then Woody Allen, but the cabin, then David Blaine showed up and showed us all magic tricks for an hour. That was a pretty legendary. That was a fun, almost like one of those Algonquin round table kind of things, the Hillcrest Country Club. I mean, those, you know, you look back at those days, maybe before my time, but like the Hillcrest, when it was Groucho Marx and Al Jolston and George Burns and Jack Benny and your Phil Silvers, they all played golf and sat around playing pinocchio in their robes. And, you know, or, you know, even something more literary like the Algonquin round table with, you know, Perlman and Dorothy Parker and, you know, the Harpo Marx of those days. So, I mean, what we were doing was not quite to that level. But I think it was better. And we'd invite you, but I think the Algonquin table was overrated. I think the Algonquin table was probably overrated. I don't think they were as funny. You were at that table? I think, actually, and some of the greatest riders in the 1920s, the 30s. S.J. Perlman and Kaufman, I agree. The 30s, 40s, yeah. But, you know, I think Woody Allen, David Blaine, Dick Havett. That's David Brenner. And David Brenner and you. Well, then we did another dinner with a bunch of comics, but, you know, it's funny when you did comics. And Nick DiPolo didn't want to go. Nick DiPolo went, but he was reluctant. Nick didn't want to go. He felt a little light. I don't know if Nick was intimidated. He felt like, what am I going to dinner with Woody Allen for? And Nick, he had a great time. Are there people who don't worship Woody Allen? I know that time passes and some people. I don't know. Look, other people I hang out with are people, mostly of my age group, and people in the comedy and film world, and those people all idolize Woody Allen. I think Kevin Pollock said to me, he's like one of the heads on showbiz, Mount Rushmore, you know, as far as directors go. Is everybody that works for him? It doesn't matter if it's me or Kate Blanchard or Jim Belushi is in his new movie. Everybody gets, not much more than scale, or paid scale, you know. Jim Belushi is in Woody's new movie. Yeah. I know Woody doesn't watch a lot of television. He knows it's Jim Belushi, right? I think he knows. Okay. He does now. Okay. I don't know. I know he doesn't like watch too much television. No television, except for sports. When he met you for the first time, he said he knew who you were. No, it was funny. A friend of mine who hosts these dinners, he's good friends with Woody, and he is on one of my shows in Florida. And he said, just as a matter of fact, offhandedly, he goes, you know, Woody's coming to my house next week in New York on Friday night for dinner. And I didn't know he knew Woody. He goes, oh yeah, well good friends. I guess, you know, he had flown Woody to Paris on his jet when he did the last movie. Anyway, he... So Woody meets you, he says he knows who you are, and he said he saw you on television. No, no, no, no, what happened was, my friend, Woody's friend said, I mentioned one of your jokes to Woody, and he goes, oh, I love that guy. And he turns out that somebody else did the same joke. I'm not saying the guy took it from me, and I certainly didn't take it from him. People come up with, you know, the same joke. And Woody said he was just flipping channels one night, looking for the Nick game or the Ranger game. And there was some goombas of comedy, you know, the five Italian guys of comedy, and there was another guy who, I go, wait, there wasn't me, he saw through the joke. But Woody's saying, but Woody Allen... He had no idea what it was. But the idea that, this is what just has stuck with me over the years when he told me that story, the idea that Woody Allen stumbled upon the goombas of comedy. Oh, what if the show was going... And took a moment to watch. Right. Right, and then he managed to hear that joke, and it was a joke that he loved that stuck with him. And the joke was, I don't know, because I say, I've been married for 30 years, with a Wintrow factor, it's like 130 years. And he loved that joke, he'll never forget that joke. And, matter of fact... Now, let me ask you a question without violating, because I know you're not allowed to talk about this stuff. But not on the set, because you can't talk about that, but just in general. Do you bust Woody Allen's balls? Well, I only did the Amazon show with him, and we worked together, and did one or two seasons. But if you're having dinner with him, or if you're at a party, will you bust his balls? Well, he's like, no, no, because we've only had about, under four or five dinners. And, you know, we had no long dinners, but he's a quiet guy, he's a funny guy, he's not shy when he's with friends in comics, you know. But there was no reason to bust his chops. I have too much respect for him. You know, he had never, I haven't had dinner with him since we did the Amazon show, but what was funny is the last dinner we had was last year. Now, he's a social animal. Yeah, well, you know, he's funny. Everybody knows how you see the lanes on First Avenue. Right. You know, the second avenue, yeah. And it was never a great restaurant. And Woody ate there every night, and I said, it was the food that good, because the food was lousy, but it felt comfortable there, nobody bothered him, because it was with the writers and the late Captain. Right. He enjoyed eating by himself, and nobody bothered him. So I don't know how much of a social animal he is, because I know if I lived in New York and I had money, I'd be out eating at restaurants all the time. Then again, I'd be eating by myself too in a corner. I would just try to find restaurants with good food. So I had to see where he's coming from. You know, you like to be out among people, you still like to be with people. I think that's all they were to stand up comic. You know, you talk at people, two people, but not, you know, with people, you know, so. So can he take a hit if you make a joke? I'm sure I never, I never really did. Because he, I would suspect he wants to get made fun of. Properly. He, I guess, you know, the last dinner we had, it was a year ago this past May. I think that was the last one, and women were never allowed to come. Soon, he was there, it's a guy's thing. And the last one was J. Thomas, you know, the radio guide actor, Jackie Marling, and Nick Topolo. Wow. That's an interesting group for Woody. Very interesting. And was Jackie telling Woody jokes? No, what he was doing was telling stories about, you know, they both work pips in the old days. You know, that would be for my time, and Jackie would tell his stories. And then J. Thomas told his famous, I made him tell it, the long-ranging story. They told that letterman every Christmas, you know, the long-ranging story. It's great. And he told it to Woody. Woody was dying, and then he added a whole piece, J, about the low-ranger asking for hookers or pussy or something. And he never told that part on the letterman show. And everybody loved the story. And then he offered, he was going to offer J a part. J really wanted to be in a Woody Allen movie. He was going to offer J a part, but it was really small. He didn't offer it to him. And J said, I would have taken it. I don't care how small it is. He wanted to be in a Woody Allen movie. Sure, sure. So all these dinners that we had, all four or five of them, everybody said, you know, Woody's going to put you in something with the parts right. And since our first dinner, could we do it once a year, four or five years, he did five movies since our first dinner. And I go, you know, I really think that'll call me if something comes up. Then he called me to do the Amazon show, which is nice. And then the show, the movie this week, it was just like playing Syracuse. Either somebody quit or got fired or couldn't make it, or some guy need to get recast. And it was a small part. I came in right away, and I don't care how small it is. He's working for Woody. Yeah. You know, he's not in the scene. You know, he's just directed it. I don't know, he's not in the film, I don't think. But what was great on the Amazon show, I know, you know, when the publicity came out, and he had used a bunch of comics for doing it, the scene or two, it was black and Judy Gold, Joy Behar, they were all listed. I wasn't listed, but I was one that I see with Woody. So that was kind of cool. That's more important. So, enough about Woody. What else? Let's talk about women. Women. Yeah. All right. You start, I will be happy to talk about women. I maintain, I have several women in my life who are radical feminists. Why would you do that? What? Have them in your life. What is the problem there? You don't seem like that kind of person. So it must be that your wife and your daughter, those can be the only two or a manager or an agent. That can be the only people or your business manager or somebody you have to have in your life. There's nobody you would have in your life voluntarily that's a radical feminist. I know you. Is it fair to say that, well, let me, I did an interview with Canadian, some Canadian reporter last week and they asked me about Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld. That whole stupid thing about the colleges? They can't play colleges anymore. They never did. I was either of them. So I had college in 30 years. Right. And you know, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, they're on the Mount Rushmore of great standup comics. So they asked me, this Canadian journalist asked me, what do you think about Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld no longer wanting to play college campuses? I said, why should they be playing college campuses? With all the student debt that's being racked up to go to college, why should your kids or you be racking up debt so the kid can go see Jerry Seinfeld instead of Noam Chomsky? Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock do not belong on college. Nobody belongs on college campuses. Well kids, the student union, I played a couple colleges back in the 70s, 80s, and then the colleges and I both decided that I was not. Well, because they have, but what's happened is the children at the colleges are booking the comedians. Right. So you're paying all this money to send your kid to college and then you rack up debt and your kid is going to, your 18-year-old child is booking the entertainment, getting what he wants as opposed to what he needs. So it's a disgrace. There should be no college funds should be spent on me, you, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, or Aerosmith. President Trump's gonna fix all that, you know that. You damn right. Anyway, so there's this politically correct movement that's apparently, and you and I were at ground zero and you were probably the first comic ever to go after the politically correct. You were in San Francisco. Well, I think Carl, well, Lenny Bruce did it. No, no, there was no politically correct movement. Right. Politically correct started, I know exactly, under the Bush administration, the first Bush administration. That's when the term first got bandied about and it was the liberals learning to manipulate the First Amendment. So, and you, as from, you were the first comic. Well, I was the first, but I'm sure there were guys in LA and New York too. I mean, you know, there were a lot of guys out there. I mean, you know, I mean, prior and, well, he wasn't really there. No, there were people who were, might have been politically incorrect, but you were going after people for being politically correct. Yeah, I think I might go on camera, I'll be happy to tell you. It was San Francisco ground zero liberals, gays and everybody. That's true, you know, New York, everybody talks about the San Francisco comedy scene during the comedy boom in the 70s and 80s, but there's no doubt that LA and New York had a much, much, much richer comedy scene. But then again, you know. We had a unique comedy scene. Yeah, idiots like you and Will Durst and Pollock and, you know, we had a great little comedy scene. It was unique and, you know, our old friend Alex Bennett, you know, it was, David Brenner once said to me, who was the comic that decided the Morning Radio was what comics should do, and it was me and Alex. It wouldn't happen anyway, that whole symbiotic relationship between comedians and Morning Radio, but I was the guy that brought, that, you know, I grew up in New York, listening to Alex when he was really a groundbreaking subversive guy in the 60s. You know, I remember from the early, yeah, late 60s, early 70s, and Alex, you know, Eldridge Cleaver on Black Panther when he was in exile in Algeria, and he had, you know, the radicals like Jerry Rubin and The Weatherman and Abby Hoffman and, and he, John Levy, he did some really, and he was about, Al Goldstein, Al Goldstein, how Alex began to the porn, I mean, back then that was politically incorrect. I mean, it was dangerous, it was dangerous. And, you know, I talked about legalizing parts, so, you know, me being 15 and doing all those things and, you know, reading, you know, Jerry Rubin's books and, you know, I don't even know what a revolution was, but, you know, even if 15 and smoking dope and doing coke and listening to Beatles and everything that, and porn and everything that Alex had on his show, I loved, you know, Pop Culture, it's a versatile radical guy. Well, tell him to do my show. He won't do the show. Well, you ask between you two, but you need to call him. But anyway, and you won't call him, but he certainly not gonna call you. He's mad that I haven't called him. Yeah, well, that's not talking about Alex. Okay, so here's my question about targeting groups, protected groups. Right. This is my theory. Well, there were gays and Asians and whales and, you know, you know what it was? You know what it was? And I don't know who did it first, but all I know is when I was a young comedian, and believe me, my stuff was pretty horrendous at the beginning. It was, you know, almost any young man-like, you know, kind of stuff. But when I started reading about Lady Bruce, some people would say, oh, you like Lady Bruce, because I'm definitely like Lady Bruce, but I could see where they, they're the fast-talking Jew, me against society, and I kind of, you know, I kind of embraced that, you know. Do you still deal with a bit? I doubt it. Your tribute to Lady Bruce? Oh, no. The N-word bit? I never did. Well, you say nigger, I don't want the N-word. I'm not gonna say it. And then C-word, you say content nigger. You know what the words are. So you, you- People don't go to the R-word, it's retard, just say the words. I'm not playing Jeopardy or doing a crossword puzzle or playing Mad Libs, those are the words. So Lady Bruce has this famous routine and Dustin Hoffman did it in the movie about- Yeah, he keeps saying nigger, nigger, nigger, and you can't even do the, you can't even say the routine, even though Dustin Hoffman did it in the G-rated film. That's what, until nigger doesn't mean anything and the little kid doesn't go home crying, but I never did a bit about it. But what you did, you did this, maybe it was one night where you said in honor of Lady Bruce. Yeah, what'd I say? No, I think it was one night because I don't remember this yet. That we need to keep saying the C-word over and over. Oh, like you said, we need to keep saying cut, cut, cut. You called every woman in the audience. You called every woman in the audience. That sounds like someone would do. You called every single woman in the audience the C-word. Pretending that you wanted the word to lose its meaning. But again, that sounds like something I would do. I love more brilliant than I thought. You know. I should bring that back. How did you, you, there's, you would- I don't even remember- You have bits that you- That wasn't a bit, that's probably something I just did one time. Or maybe for a few nights. You know, it's just like, I don't know. I just move on and- Well, so let me ask you this question because I have a theory. Well, I actually have a new bit. I should, yeah. Go ahead. No, I don't want to start doing material on the air, but no, it was the other night. Somebody was giving me a shit about using the R-word and the word retard. And I said, well, just say the word. And I'm not talking about testing children. It's a whole long thing. I said, you know, again, like I said earlier, you would offend me the R-word, the N-word, the C-word. Not the words, but you know, your little abbreviation of it. And then I, you know, I said the words nigger and cunt that I want to apologize to black people for using that word. And I like to apologize to all you cunts. And that bit kills. One woman walked out and did everything. Yeah, yeah, four hundred people, three to nine, then I'd laugh, and one cunt walks out. It was perfect. Okay, this speaks to my theory. Exactly to my theory. And that is in this time and space in America, I believe that you cannot make fun of, this is my opinion, you don't make fun of homosexuals, transsexuals. This is my theory. You can't make fun of blacks or Mexicans. You can't make fun of anybody, but it's okay to make fun of women. To me, it's, I've always felt that, that even though women, it's very dangerous for them. Physically dangerous. And they're not getting paid fairly. But it's impossible to keep women out of your life. We all have mothers, sisters, wives, daughters. Why do you want to keep married life? Right. And you know, you can keep. It's like having handicapped people in your life. Somebody you can look down to, somebody who knows that you're doing better than them. Right. You know? This is why I think comedically it's okay for you or any comedian to tease women on stage. But every comic's done that. I mean, for many others. But it's getting harder and harder. It's very hard. Well, not for me, it's not. I do find women get upset once in a while, but for the most part they don't. You know, I'll find, you know, it's funny, I have a joke in my act that, you know, they're gonna put a woman on a $20 bill, which I think is great, but of course you won't be worth as much. And there are women that will, you know, will, like it's my fault, you know, they can bring up tight. But you know, that's great about comedy. Everybody's. At the Emmys, Jill Soloway wins for a transparent. Right. Wins an Emmy. Right. And I'm sitting there with one of my daughters who's a feminist. And Jill Soloway- When you say feminist, you mean cucked. Yeah. And Jill Soloway says, top of the patriarchy. And I go, yeah, you know, yeah. Well, you know, I'm trying to let my, let my daughter think I'm, you know. The transgender people, are they really at the top of the list of people you give a shit about? Well. You know, I mean, look, let me tell you something. And I said this in all seriousness, you know, when Bruce Jenner came out and said he's a woman, all 40 transgender people spoke up on Facebook at the same time. So you know, I think there's millions of them. Okay. I have all the respect for the transgender people. Must be really tough. I'm sorry that you don't know which bathroom to use. You want to use that bathroom, this bathroom. But you know, you're really right about the fact that women right now are still getting shit out of this country. I mean, they don't really, in most countries, you know, they don't really, they have equal rights in America, but they still have a glistening. Okay. And when you see what goes on with the police, and you know, with black people, black people have never, and when I say equal rights, you know, they're still getting black people still discriminated against all the time. And everybody still hates the Jews and the Mexicans are getting crap. We know, Muslims are getting crap. So you know what? We'll get to you. And your fucking bathroom and your penis vagina crisis, we'll get to you. The polarized cops are disappearing. We got a gluten problem. We'll get killed by mosquitoes. Everybody else doesn't have rights. Get in line motherfucker. We'll get to you 30, 40 years. And maybe like the Apaches, someday you'll get a casino. Until then, shut the fuck up. You're not at the top of the list of people I care about. I mean, I do care. I mean, I'm not the call there. So I appear to be on stage or on your dumb show. But thank God nobody's listening to this, but. Our numbers are up, by the way. I know, I heard your numbers are up. I'm just saying that, of course I care about the transgender people, but right now it's like, the world is so fucked up and it's not gonna get any better. I don't care about that. You know, I like talking about transgender for a second. Okay. I don't understand it. I don't understand things. So. It's an amazing, I really feel those people gotta be tortured. It's gotta be tortured. It's gotta be tortured. And it's great to bruise Jenner. You know, it's too many held in all these years. But you know, first of all, he hasn't cut his dick off. So he's not a woman, okay? And I'll tell you who's really brave. If you saw that movie, the Danish girl with any red man, that in 1925 was based on, you see the movie? Yeah. Based on a true story. The man in one of the first sex change operations. That guy was brave as any firefighter or police officer. I mean, you're about brave. Right. You know, this guy, imagine in 1925 a woman trapped in a man's body. Who would have come out and even said that? Then he had the operation. And can you imagine back then how barbaric and savage and brutal? And the man died. Yeah. He bled to death. That guy was brave. This gender is not gonna have a sex change operation. Maybe he will. But it's not very hard to do now. They can build a functioning vagina in like a couple of days. I wish I knew that. I would have got one of those for my wife. If I knew, I'd get out of functional vagina built. My wife's no longer with us. But for any guy listed it, you should get a functional vagina. I don't know how much they cost. But it's like a triple A card. It's nice. You keep it in the glove compartment. You're waiting for the tow truck on the side of the road. You're at the airport. You don't have a book. You carry an artificial pussy and a fanny pack. Yeah, something to do. You don't want to play a dual crossword puzzle. Right? Exactly. That's why people should see me at the Pittsburgh Game Prep this weekend and next weekend in Sarasota. I'm a Curtis County company club. Right. And I don't get a push out of the doors. I don't really care if they come, but it'd be nice. Yes. Now, speaking of artificial pussies, we're at a tipping point now where with artificial intelligence, pretty soon they're gonna be able to make a robot, a female robot who's you won't be able to tell the difference between a real woman and a fake woman. Kind of like Beverly Hills. But yeah. Casually different, something like that. Would you, at what point, because when you look at inflatable dolls. I've never had one of those. We did a smuggle and I did something. We had to get inflatable dolls. It wasn't for a show. We had something we had to do. It was something we had to do just because it was getting weird. No, we did. Out of the Danny Thomas at the coffee table. So, I looked at these inflatable dolls. I said, nobody buys these things. They're making really good ones. Now they're not inflatable. But nobody ever bought an inflatable doll to have sex with it. They bought it as a joke. I think people bought them to have sex with it. How could you, could you, or what about the, I never did it. The pocket pussy. What? The pocket pussy. Oh, I saw that. That's what I'm talking about. But nobody, but now if they can make a robot that is exactly like a woman. What do we know? What kind of a Jewish woman is that? The swallows and rusts, you know. Oil can't. You know what I mean. I don't, you just can't put all women in one category. It's like a real woman. A Jewish female robot, would you? Oh, I used to work with the Betty Verano comic but right now. Did you really rock off to art? Well, yeah, I think I always, but maybe when I was six or seven, thought about fucking Veronica, maybe even Wilma or Betty. But you would whack off to a cartoon. I didn't even call the whack-a-mole. Whatever I did back in six to seven, eight years old. Where was you? I got excited about it. What was your first ejaculation? Do you remember? Well, how could I ever remember that? You don't remember your first ejaculation? No. You don't remember? I can't remember, I don't remember that for breakfast. No, I don't remember that. Why do you? Sure. You know, you're best at your time in your 20s. Uncle Ted. Uncle Ted, no. You don't remember? No, I don't remember. No. I remember a lot of things. The gold diggers, I was watching the gold diggers. I don't, yeah. I remember the gold diggers. The March on the Gold Diggers came out and I began touching myself and something leaked. I don't want to talk about this right now. I know. Women. Yeah, what about them? They speak up for themselves in comedy clubs now, right? You can't. Well, you're obsessed with this right now. Why is that? I love women. You don't seem to be the kind of person I'm from. You don't date them. Your daughter hates you. You know, your ex-wife doesn't like you. I mean, you know. That's not true. Okay, all right, whatever. It's your business. You're delusional. But okay. You know, I don't know. I've always liked women. I just don't like hanging out with them. You know, my wife used to say to me, you know, very rarely I go with my friends and she'd go, why can't I go? Because you're just a guy. You're friends like me. I know, but when there's a woman, then the dynamics change. But anytime I see a guy hanging out with a bunch of women and you're not gay, you know, I'll see a guy who puts him on a comedy club, be a guy with his wife, and a couple of her friends at a show. And this guy, you see, he can't use her in faggot. There's another word you can use, but now I'm talking about games. That guy's a faggot. He's hanging out with his girlfriend or his wife and her friends. You push him in faggot. But he plays golf with his wife. You're a faggot. You play golf with your wife. What a douchebag. That guy's a faggot. Good to be kidding you, that word. What are we getting arrested for? I mean, really. And it's amazing, too, that people still get upset at comedy clubs. You don't like my act. You don't like carrot top, Lucy or whatever. You don't like some comedy talk. Just leave and ask for your money back. You don't like a movie? Ask for your money back. But people actually get really mad. Well, again, all the crap going on in this world right now is such a horrible world we live in, you know? Well, I'll always tell this story whenever you're on the show, and I apologize to the people who've already heard it, but I have new listeners. So I have to tell them, this is the definition of comedy. This is how I define comedy. Jeff Garland was living in Chicago. You know the story, right? Jeff Garland was living in Chicago, just starting out. And he said, you know what? I'm gonna go to Zany's. I wanna see who's playing Zany's. Have you ever told me? I mean, I don't know if Jeff ever told me the story, but go ahead. To me, this is the definition of comedy. I tell this all the time on this show, but I have new listeners. So Jeff is walking to Zany's to see who's playing, and he sees a pregnant woman weeping the matri-D handing the money back to the husband and free tickets for next week's show. And above them is a marquee that reads now appearing Bobby Slayton. That's the definition of comedy. A couple, they're married, she's pregnant. She's due any moment. They spent a lot of money to go out that night. They probably have another kid. They had to hire a babysitter, pay for parking, and they probably thought you would be thrilled to find out that she was pregnant. Well, I don't know what happened. I don't, it might not have been me. It was you. It was me? She was crying. Well, it's just because of me. She might have been talking. A pregnant woman crying. When women are pregnant, they're very fragile and a little emotional, if you all know. Oh, they can be sometimes. It's like when they're after they have the baby, post-partum depression, when they're menopausal, when they're having their period, just basically from the cradle to the grave, they give me a fucking cut. But I'm not judging her. I'm not judging whatsoever. But it could have been a waiter telling her to keep it down. Maybe they were talking, or maybe she didn't want the two drink minimum, or maybe, who knows? You know, I had the opening act before, but it could have been me. You know what I learned about you? I just realized something. Alex Brazell is about 27, and he loves stand-up comedy. And I always say to him, I love stand-up comedy too, but you know, you should watch document. What she does, yeah, he is the best. But I just, you saw him in Montreal. So here's the thing, because we had a conversation, and I said, you know, you should, you know, I have this great courses thing. You know, you can learn about Irish history and political science. And he says to me, you're old. I get all my news. All my information. For the most part, from watching stand-up comedy. And I didn't understand that. And I'm looking at you, and I'm remembering being Alex's age and younger, watching Bobby Slayton perform, and finding out like how men should think about certain things, how women behave, how relationships, like I didn't know that. Why? I didn't know. There were a lot of things. And you listened to me, and that's why you couldn't keep me married together and your children hate you. Because you've listened to me teach you about how people, and family dynamics, and how husbands and wives relate. And that's so, that was wrong. You shouldn't have taken it. The brutal honesty at an early age, that you exhibited, because you're only like one or two years older than I am. How old are you? I'm 58. Okay. So 30 years ago, there were things I didn't know about women. I didn't know about my biology. I didn't understand certain things about sex and my, what I wanted and stuff like that. And I'm watching Bobby go, oh, this explains everything. Well, you know, I didn't. How do you know so much? Early on, how did you know so much? And why were you so fearless about talking about it? I don't know if that I knew so much. I, well, I was married for almost 30 years. You know, my wife passed away six months ago. This week. Can we tell people, I don't want to violate it. No, we can talk about that, but let me ask you. Can I call, what did I say? I called on the day I heard the news. Yeah, a few days after she passed away. I think I called you that day. You might have called me that day. A lot of people, so many people called, it really was a blur. I'm not going to quote, you have to tell. Oh, I remember you saying to me, you know, like everybody, you know, because you know what a great, how great Teddy was. And you know, we've been together for a long time. And I remember you saying, I said it to a few guys, but I remember you saying, you know, sorry about your wife, and I said to you, look, maybe next year will be your year. Right? Is that what it was? No, what you said was. Oh, this was the day of, the day of, you said. The day of my wife's death? Or the day after I found out. The day after, yeah. You said my wife dying is almost as bad as your wife staying alive. I went, I dropped the phone. I dropped the phone. I just laughed. I went from, but you know, it's true. No, it's not. What? No, it's not. You have to come. I laughed. If it were true, I wouldn't have laughed that hard. You wouldn't. You're amazing. Yeah, you really are. You are amazing. Yeah, you are. Don't try to change your subject. Do you remember Len? What's his name? He ran a club in Chicago. Len Fostervitz. Yeah, yeah, he had a club. He was sick for a while in Kansas. He did. Yeah. Oh my God. Was he one of the funniest people you ever knew? Wasn't he really funny offstage? Didn't he influence? I played with him once, one time. He influenced a lot of the club. I played with him once many, many years ago. And I talked to him a year or two ago when he was sick, doing better. And I, I, I don't, I haven't spoken to him. I should call him again, you know, but. He had certain rhythms. I don't remember if he was still there. I just remember what he was. He wasn't, he, he ran a club and he had certain jokes and rhythms and peculiarities that he acted out in the green room that got appropriated by a lot of comedians. And I know that Paul Provenza and Rich Jenny sang his praises all the time. I guess I didn't know him that well. I, I, because like I said, I only played from once. I'll tell you what he, he did. That was just one of the funniest things in my life. Len was best friends with Rich Jenny and Rich was one of the greats, right? He was good. Yeah, a friend of mine. And I used to open for him. And I miss him. And he committed suicide. And I get a call. I'm sitting at my desk at home and Len's crying and he's not making it up. And he says, David, I've got some really bad news. Rich Jenny is dead. And I screamed. I go, what? Yeah. It's just terrible. He committed suicide and it's just, it's so horrible. Listen, you work at HBO. Can you get this script to Carolyn Strauss for me? That's pretty funny. It was brilliant. Brilliant. Not brilliant. I mean, I, and I started, I was like, you know, it was like a punch to my gut with the news of that, Rich. That's brilliant. And then a roundhouse about getting a script to the head of HBO. I mean, it was just like, it was... If you're not a comic, I mean, you're listeners. If they don't think that's funny and I don't blame them for nothing. But that's what comics were all about, you know? And that's so, I think, you know, the gallows humor or Jews make the holocaust or black people have on the blues. You know, you learn to let it out somehow. You got to let the anger out. Jews always did it with a sense of humor. So did black people, actually. And I think one of the greatest jokes ever, I said to John Stuart, who was my opening act, when he was a young comic, and I told him, you should dress better. You dress like Dennis Amados like you're 12. You know, you have a slingshot in your back pocket. You should dress. And then you started dressing nicer and became a big star. You always dressed well. I don't anymore. Now he's wearing a T-shirt on stage. But I was, but I really cool. But a cool suit. Like a 50s looking suit. And I look back at some of them. You know, I had, I looked like David Byrd from The Talking Hats with these giant shoulder pads and my little turtle head. But you, like I remember going to Macy's with you in San Francisco. You know, you were always shopping and you always said dress nicer. No, what I also remember is going to Macy's with you. And you remember what you did to me? No, I'm just saying how gay that is. I had to shop with the San Francisco U and I shopped together, but no, what I did. And you asked the women's perfume counters and you would spray me with women's perfume. Do you remember that? And I kept saying, Bobby, stop. You gotta stop. And then you go, okay, okay, okay. And then like two minutes later, you'd spray L'Oreal on me. And then Chanel number five on me. And I got Bobby, stop. And after a while, you get acclimated to the, I didn't re, and I walk out in Union Square in San Francisco smelling like a French whore. Right. And forgetting that I smelled like a French whore and you're, how come you never sprayed me back? Cause I respect you. Oh, there's a power dynamic here. If I knew someday I'd have a big podcast, I would never have done anything like this, but I'm still getting on, so it's okay. But you know, your question is, how do I know so much about women? That's, look, not only was it a matter of 30 years, I had a girlfriend, you know, for about five years we lived together. And all those things happened with, you know, G-spots and Roger's phones. I never knew women had these things. And I never knew about clits and this and, you know, and it was like, they taught me things. And then, and that's how comedy, just intrinsically, you know, I like it when you touch my neck and I blow my ear and they should do it to me, oh, get the fuck, I hate that. You know, and it's just taught about, and a million comics have done it, but the difference between men and women, and I'm not saying I did it the best, but it's just something like when you live with a woman and you talk to a woman and you travel with a woman and you have a kid, you know, and there's all that stuff. You need to have, you know, it's like Keith Richards said he's not, he never writes the songs, they kind of come to him. He's like a conduit for music. It just, if you have your, you know, your receptors out, the songs come to him, the jokes kind of come to me. Like today in New York City, I walked, I walked well over 150 blocks. I left my apartment up East Side at 11 a.m., I just came down here to do your podcast on the Lower East Side, walked all the way over to the West Side, went out to do a costume fitting for the Woody Show down by Wall Street by the World Trade Center, walked back to China, I walked at least 100, maybe 150 blocks today and I probably walked back up again. I'll walk with you. I'll walk with you. I walked, I mean, I stopped for a foot massage and back massage, I actually got, you know, I stopped for lunch, I had a beer and, you know, I mean, I walked, but I would, you know, so basically all day and that's when the comedy comes to me, but today I was more thinking about this new girlfriend that I have, which is confusing me with them more than anything, but you talk about me knowing stuff. I've never been so confused in my life, in my life with God for six months and I fell in love with a woman whose husband passed away last year and I spoke at a funeral and we just met for a drink. It was just the most bizarre thing, but usually I write jokes. Today I was, you know, working on the Woody Allen movie I'm doing. You do feel, I have a theory about men not being able to be alone. I love being, I want to be alone for five months. It was the greatest thing ever. Yeah, but. She was not supposed to happen. Did not want it to happen. Right. But it was getting to the point where I was in my house by myself. I didn't know when the air conditioner was on too high, the music was too loud. I mean, my life was in danger. Keith Richards called me up, he was worried about me. I didn't know what I was driving too fast. I needed to fucking broaden my life to figure it out. I didn't know what I had too much garlic, too much wine. My life was spinning out of control. Do you know Keith Richards? No, I have met him, but you know, met him a few times. I have a theory about this and that. He's a fan of my brotherhood. There have been a lot, you know, because his wife, I don't drop her names in there, but I saw his wife one night and I gave her one of my CDs and the next night I sort of get backstage at a Stones concert. I said, be a Keith, stayed up last night and listen to you, he loves you. He thinks you're like Lenny Bruce. So, you know. Your first tattoo was the Rolling Stones logo. Right, which you got covered up. By? By a, because it wasn't, it wasn't really the right logo. I got it for $10 by Lyle Tuttle in 1975, 74 when he moved to San Francisco. It was a Lyle Tuttle, but it was his plate. It wasn't very good tattoo and it covered up with a big black heart. It didn't look right. So years later, I covered up with this giant, you know, angel of death, you know, the Grim Reaper and my daughter was 15, got her first tattoo at the same time. That was a daddy-daughter experience of me getting this tattoo and Natasha getting a little tramp stamp of a butterfly. There's something you would never do is get a tattoo would you? I'm a creep. By the way, what, you know. I realize that. You wouldn't have to be a vegetarian, which is perfectly fine. I mean, I wish I could be a vegetarian. We went out to dinner last night and I realized I am a pussy. So you have no fun. I have no fun. You have so much crap going on in your life right now. All this personal, you have all this hydrogen, all this personal crap. I'm gonna have a glass of wine. Yeah, I can't trick you. It just made me more crazy. Have one sip of my wine and then your producer Alex, you bust his balls when he, what do you bust his balls when he drinks for? I am. What do you, father? I'm very rigid in my lifestyle. And then you wouldn't even try the roasted garlic on the pizza. What was, what's wrong with you? I've never seen anybody eat as much garlic as you do. That was raw garlic and roasted garlic with two totally different animals. Roasting pizza is good for you. It's very mild. It's great. Cause you know, when my wife was alive, you know, she'd say in the middle of the night you smell like a garbage dump because of all the onions and garlic. But now I don't, you know, now that I have a new girlfriend, I gotta calm down with that a little bit. Cause you know, but, but yeah, this stuff is good for you. You have, I was watching you last night and you have this joy of life and I... I never did before. You're just a miserable fuck and you don't have any fun. You don't do it. I don't. But... I do not cut loose. I don't say drink it, you have to drink but have a drink. Have a martini and you know, have a smoking joint out of my pocket. It makes me crazy. I, the smoke pot was well. No, I don't do anything. Did you ever smoke pot? Yes. And why would you do that now? I have tried, over the years, I've kind of eliminated every vice that I could have. Who says there are vices? It's the things that you, drugs and things you can take to enjoy life. I mean, I'm not saying you should sit and drink all the time, but have a beer when you watch your Super Bowl, have a martini before dinner, have a glass of wine when you're having your pizza. Those are vices. That's what life's all about. I think... Italians know it, it's about, and the Greeks know it. And they say only when you... Yeah. I work... Oh, you're filling this wine up. I'm filling my wine glass up. Thank you. I have chosen this path to eliminate everything. Are you talking to the mic, okay? Yeah. All right, fine. I've chosen this path so that I eliminate anything that doesn't waste my time and any acts... What do you do with this podcast for, then? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Make a lot of money off the site? Well, I... Thank you. Thank you, Alex. All right, I'm drinking fertility, you know. And so, and anything that artificially enhances... Hey, have a sip of that wine. I can't. Let me smell it. No, yes, no, you have a sip. I like the smell, and I like to be around people who are drinking. You won't, but actually, I tell you, because he can't drink. I said, you want him to drink, because I don't drink around Feldman. He goes, why? Because you're admonisher. I mean, you chastise him for drinking, right? Well, because... So you don't like being around people that drink. Well, no, we work... I don't want degenerates handling my career. That's your... I think... What do you drink, sir, degenerate? Well, I think people who... By my standards, when I'm working... Right. I don't like... I like people to be sober. But what if you guys were going out for dinner? If it were work, if it was a working dinner, I would have a problem. Oh, okay, last night, if Alex would have come with us to dinner, and he would have been drinking, would have bothered you? Yes. But he's not working, we're just... But... Anything that's with you is working? Well, I do think for somebody... Alex, can I talk about this? Yeah, ask him, of course you can. He works for you, you don't work for him. I think he's got a dangerous job. He's a producer, and he's a manager, and he's a businessman, and it goes from seven in the morning to seven in the morning. It's a 24-hour job. Do you have any great agents and managers in LA? They get off of work, and they go with clients, and they drink, and they maybe even do drugs. Not mine. Not mine. Well, that's why your career's going nowhere. Well, but... Alex, on this leash, you're not letting him relax at all. I don't know. I don't think in business... I think we're too forgiving, and I think alcohol... The three martini lunches, those days, don't you think? People go out for their businessmen having drinks, or their business meetings. They come over, you see every movie. People, you're gonna marry my daughter. Let's talk about the big merger. Can I pour you a Scotch? Let's go to... Let's go light up a cigar. That's when only white men did business. It's much more competitive. Well, that's because... We have women, and we have African-Americans, and everybody has to work harder. It's much... There's a bigger... Besides for Americans, you have crevasse and grape soda. They can still have a drink. If I'm running a company, or I'm working for somebody, I want sobriety. I don't want... I wouldn't go to a job and have a three martini. You could coast. There was a period after World War II when our dads, they all had post-traumatic stress syndrome. From World War II, they deserved everything, all the wealth, and they could get away with drinking the PTSD away. Did your dad fight in World War II? He fought my mother. Did he serve? No, he was stationed here. But first of all, after work, it's a social thing to go out with the boss of your co-workers and have a few drinks. I know, I cannot... First of all, forget about your co-worker. You wouldn't even have a drink with me. Last night at dinner, I drank an entire bottle of wine. That was perfectly fine. Right. I had a great dinner. And you were happy? Yeah, I was happy. Even though I was there. You were happy? Yeah. Yeah, and you would have ever... And again, it's not just about alcohol. It's about finding something. Like, you don't see... Watch TV, that's wasting time. You don't realize that's what you're talking about. Mindlessly watch, maybe Ray Donovan or some... 60 Minutes or South Park or whatever. This is... There are two things that I regret. I cannot enjoy baseball. Forget about baseball. I can't enjoy sports. I know that's a character film. I don't like it either. And I cannot sit and watch TV. And partly because I'm threatened by people who are way more talented than I am. That's everybody. Especially those who want an Emmy. But the other thing is I'll start a show and I'm going, oh, this is... You know, I'm 58. You're asking me to spend two hours now to commit to this. Are you kidding? So the Sopranos, Breaking Bad... Oh, Sopranos is the best. Did you sit and watch it? I'll watch that over and over again. Okay, and Breaking Bad? That I could not get into. Might be a bit of a surprise. Ray Donovan is up there with both of them. Yeah, I hear Ray Donovan has grown. And Homeland... I mean, this is a million show. But in fact, you don't watch TV. I'll watch a movie. I'll watch a documentary. Now, that's like how you said you're not going to waste your time doing something that's not productive. Watching a movie is the biggest waste of time. It's not to me, but to you... If it's a documentary or it's a well-made... Oh, Woody Allen film. Oh, Woody Allen film in a second. Or I like to watch lectures. I know. I feel like I'm listening to one now. I don't like listening to one. And women who meet me now... I know that I'm not a particularly fun guy. That's an understatement. That's like Hitler going, you know, I meet girls. I guess I have a bit of a temper. I'm a bit... I'm not a people person, really. Ava likes me and the dog's like me. But, you know... And I see it getting a lot worse. I see myself focusing solely on what I think is the righteous path. It is. It'll be corrected eventually. You're 60. I'm not saying I'm 58. Now you're being a fucking girl. Just round her off. When I was 58, 59, people were how old? I was 60. Then when I hit 60, it wasn't a big deal. I'm 61, OK? In three years, I was this guy that the most important thing was I got to get a series. I got to get a television. And I wasn't one of these guys like, how come Louis VK is playing Madison Square Garden? I should be. You know, I have carrot tops, no talent. Why is he getting... None of that really ever bought me. I was happy for everybody. You know, when I was at Hooters Casino, making a million dollars a year was a lot of money. It was a fortune. Made it for one year. I would pay them opening acts. I bought people stuff. I joined the gym. I had a nice car. I didn't piss them away on drugs, hookers, golf. But, you know, I had a personal trainer and, you know, managers and agents. And I mean, look, I'm not bitching about a million dollars. But I pissed it all away. I said I never had money in my life. And when it went away, I went back to Hooters for less than half of that. And again, I would still overpay my opening acts. You worked for one breast. You worked for one breast instead of both. Yeah, I made a joke. I wasn't good. I know. That's why you don't want an Emmy, okay? You need to watch more TV and drink. Maybe if you did that smoke some dope, maybe a joke writing would become something. Because you used to be really good, you know? I'm not saying you're not good anymore. Obviously, working on that smuggler show, which is brilliant. So obviously you have something. Then again, I'm thinking maybe since there's 30 writers, you know, maybe a section that blends in and the guys are carrying you. I don't know. I don't know. But you have to work. Did any of the writers, how many writers are on the show, really? You were in the writers' room. I don't know. There are a couple of, it's a lot of pickup games. Oh, so you don't have any full-time writers? We have a couple full-time writers. And after the show, after you finish working, like five, six, or after you tape a show, they'll just go downstairs to all mallies and have a beer. Does everybody ever do that? Yes. And you don't go with them? No. All right. Ever. I will. Then that's a good way to come up with stuff when you're doing a social situation. Not even behind a computer and a desk in your cubicle with a picture of you. We sit around the table and joke and do that in an office situation. I don't drink. And I always feel, for me, alcohol and pot muddy the comedic brain. You just told me I was the most brilliant company you've ever seen. And nobody's done more blow. And I'm more alcohol than me. See, I'm candid and Bill Hicks are fuck. I can't keep up with Slate. I mean, I never did that much. But those guys did it. Bill Hicks did it. And a lot of great comics did it. I'm not saying it's definitely where to go, but. What was the greatest day of your life as a comedian that where you just went, I cannot believe. This is, I'm so happy that I'm a comedian. I've accomplished something. Robert Williams hung himself. No, I'm kidding. He was one of my best friends. I tried to offer some help. You know what? Let me tell you something. I'm glad you're here because I forgot to mention this. Kevin Bartini, who's part of the show Briss Studios, great guy. He's responsible for George Carlin Way. So I had Kevin Bartini on my show about three years ago because they unveiled. But then George Carlin Way wasn't even the right street, though. It wasn't even really where he lived. It's on the same street, but down a few blocks. All right. So they have this big celebration. Everybody shows up. And then there's a show at Carolines that night. And I can imitate Gilbert, but I'm coming down with a cold. I don't want to disturb my voice. So everybody gets up and does it. He's supposed to feel excited. Yeah, go ahead. Everybody gets up at Carolines and does a set. And then at the end of their set, they talk about how George Carlin changed their life and how he's the greatest stand-up comic whoever did it. And Gilbert gets up at the end of the evening and says, why am I the only guy here who's glad George Carlin is dead? And Kelly, his daughter, is sitting there. And everybody's quiet. And he's going, I am not only happy that George Carlin is dead. I hope he died a painful death. I hope his stroke went on and on and that he knew he was dying and he was afraid. And he went on and on. And Kelly just shit herself. Just thought this was the funny. And once Kelly started to laugh, everybody started up. And Kelly said, that's the only way to properly honor my father. Well, you know what? It really is. And I know how far the Gilbert was always great. And I don't know who else could have got away. I mean, I might have got away with something in my own way. And who knows? Does Gilbert make you laugh? Gilbert is a tremendous question. Have you ever done a show like just Slate and Gilbert? The podcast? No, the podcast. He has the best podcast. That's great. I listened to it and I never laughed myself. But it was just great with him. And Frank and me, it was just great. It's the best podcast. Anybody who does not, turn off this podcast and go listen to Gilbert. It's pretty great. It's pretty great. But have you ever toured with Gilbert? Like, I would think of it. No, because he's a headliner and I'm a headliner. And the problem is, even though he would sell up more seats, if I opened up, you've got to have two people who work well together. You have to have certain bands open up for certain bands. You can't. There's a lot of great comics that my energy's too high. And if I couldn't open up for Jim Gaffigan, because I'm too dirty as I was clean. You know, it just wouldn't work. It's like having a certain wine with certain kind of food. That you know, have one sip of this wine. Just try it. How would you feel if this is like the vipers? No, but have a sip. You're like, Tony Soprano, I'm Christopher and we just stole all that wine from the vipers. Do you think if you had a sip of wine, what would it do to you? It would make me happy and relaxed, sociable. You used to drink. I drank a lot, yes. You did? Yes. And you drank too much? I was not where I wanted to be. Well, your body's changing. What were you drinking back then? You remember? Yeah. Well, I would drink white wine. I would smoke dope and I would drink Jack Daniels. Yeah, well, that's not a great combo. You didn't do the white wine with Jack together. No, but I would just drink a lot. Jack is pretty good. And I drank by myself and I wasn't, my career wasn't where it was supposed to be. And I wasn't reading. I remember something that Steve Allen said. It was one of the things that helped me quit. He wrote, it's amazing how people have $50 for a great bottle of wine, but they don't have $25 for a hardcover book. This is like, I quit in 88. And I thought, well, that's true. I'm always complaining that books are way too expensive. But somehow I always have money for a nice bottle of wine. You know, you asked me what the best night of comedy I ever had. I thought at the time it was so great and it was really meaningless, but they did this thing called the American Comedy Awards. And they've had so many comedy awards. But Joe Schlotter, the guy behind Laughin and Joe Schlotter was the major TV guy in the 60s. So Schlotter did some American Comedy Awards. And I think they only did like three, two or three years in a row. And they would give an award like anything else, best outstanding actor in a comedy series, best set. And they would give an award for Best Club Comic. The first year, then a male club comic and a female comic. The first year, Jerry Seinfeld won Best Male Club Comic and Best Female was on a... Diane Furd? Oh, I don't know. Diane Furd? Oh, Furd. Diane Furd never won. He went up for eight years. She was like, Susan Lucci. She never won. So the second year, the winner of Best Club Comic was me and Paula Pounster. Wow. Yeah. And she's Best Club Comic and Female Comic. So I got the award and I got up, I'm sitting with my wife. And as I get up, I kissed Jane Meadows, you know, Steve's wife, because Steve was hosting it. He gave me the award. And I kissed Jane Meadows, didn't kiss my wife. Kissed Jane Meadows. Walked out the stage and gave Steve a big kiss on the lips. So you kissed Steve Allen on the lips. Yeah, he didn't like to be touched. I kissed him. Yeah. He seemed fine. I think it was on the lips, might've been on the cheek. I don't remember, but, because I was drinking. And anyway, so I said, you know, this award, what is this gonna get me? $50 more at the Chuckle Hut in Omaha? Who cares? But thank you. And I took the award. It was great. I was very proud of myself. And then it didn't do anything for me. It got me a little bit of press. But the next year, a carrot top beat Bill Hicks. And I said, this just shows how stupid these awards are. And the award right now, and it's never, it's always been, it's by my garage door. When I work out in the morning, it holds up with the garage door so the wind doesn't blow it shut. It's a doorstop. It's a meaningless award, as most of them are. Because, you know, I mean, I mean, Patton Oswald was definitely better than you guys else who won't deserve the award. But a lot of times, Adio, you look at the catamours. Who's a better actor? You look at all those actors at the Emmys, from John Voight to all these great actors. Better, really, who's, it's just. Somebody sent me an article, I think it was in Vanity Fair, that the Oscars were set up to destroy unions, to prevent unions. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't think it's Vanity Fair, because I would have read that. Divide and conquer. That I think it was. Light of it. Louis B. Mayer was using his carpenters to build his new home for free. It was, and they were gonna unionize, and the actors wanted to unionize. So they came up with this idea of an academy. This was in the late twenties. Have this academy and have actors competing against each other, have the carpenters competing against each other. So that they're not unified. Wow. And at the Emmys, I really got a whiff of that, thinking, this is what it's all about. This award thing is just, no, I can't have a glass. But it really is to divide, divide the creative people from each other. How long has this podcast been going on for? Over an hour. Are you bored? I was bored as soon as we started. We'll ramp it up. No, but I know that your producer has other shows that he has to do something. Right? He's busy, a producer. We have five more minutes. And it's been a long day for me. This is, I mean, I'm pretty happy. What time did you get up? Huh? What time did you get up? Today was late for me. I got up at nine in the morning. That was really good. And what time did you go to bed? Well, we had dinner last night, right? And we went, what time did we get out? We got out of there. Did we get out of there at 11, 12? I left at 10.30. I left with you, remember? No. I left before you. You paid the tab, so I left. I wanted to get out. I left right after you. Well, you were with Russo. I left right after you left. I'm two minutes after. I paid the check and I left. We were supposed to have dinner at the Friars Club. Yeah. With Russo. And we had the great little talent show. So I was back in back room at 11, back in my apartment at 11. And then I called him a girlfriend. And she said, we won't be together for about a month. And she said, you sound like a little buzzed. I go, I am a little buzzed. Fine, a little buzzed. And I worked out that morning. I hadn't worked out in two days. So I woke up this morning. Not a hangover. Touched a little bit of a headache, which I never do. My muscles were so I couldn't have the fucking flu. And I went over and got some oatmeal and got my coffee. I took my vitamins and bam! I walked around for eight hours today. I'm glad you have a girlfriend and you shouldn't feel guilty. Oh, I know. Love never dies. Even when there's a divorce, love never dies. And it's Sophie's choice. If you were... Love does die. Who came up with that? You love your ex-wife? Sure. I would love to. Yeah, if you would have a drink, that's why there's a drink. Because he's afraid he might say what's really on his mind. That's exactly why you don't drink. First of all, I stopped drinking because my filter disappeared. I have a stutter step before I speak. Yeah, well, I don't have a filter, whether I'm drinking or not. You know? And I guess it's good and I guess it's bad. I don't know. I don't know. But if you had a pick, make Sophie's choice. What is Sophie's choice? You have to pick a kid. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't, right? Well, I don't have one kid. Yeah, well, but it's the same thing with... If I had to pick my kid or my new giant screen, Sony. Right? You go with the thing that's younger. You keep the thing that's... I'd go with the kid, but I know more important than the kid. More than a big screen? Is it a flat screen? Yeah, it's in my bedroom, it's giant. And you can turn it off. Is it TV? You can turn it on and off, yes. Can you turn your kid off when it's hocking at you? I've turned off my family a long time ago to me. My whole family. But a TV's a lot easier to turn off. Well, since my family, since my wife's dead and my daughter doesn't live with me anymore, you know? It's fine. It's okay. Sounds like you're the one who went to Heaven. Huh? Sounds like your wife died and you went to Heaven. I know my wife died in hell. She lived with me for 30 years. She did her time in hell. So she's anywhere. I don't even believe it. She's up there. Bobby Slayton. Go see him. Did I finish that whole bottle of wine, Alex? I helped you. You helped me there. But how do you feel, like after, like right now, how do you feel after having a half a bottle of wine? And more than half a bottle. How do I feel? Yeah, do you feel good? Do you feel relaxed? I feel great. Well, yeah, I think it's a combination also that your show's over. I think it's like having, you know, vodka and some blow together. I think it's a combo, you know. I want to tell a story before you go. How deep are we into the show? Come into, I want to tell the story about one of my sons being offended. But it's really, it's kind of interesting. But I only want to tell the story deep, deep into the show because I don't want to. Are we way over time? Yeah, yeah. And he has to, and your producer has to go. I know. So, my children were exposed to comedians like you at a very early age. Right, did they know when they're familiar with me? How old are these kids, though? Well, I don't want to talk about that, but I have a lot of kids. So, one of my kids went to see Dom Herrera when he was very, very young. Very, very young. When Dom was very young? Yes. And I said to Dom, don't worry. I said, one of my sons is here. Don't change your act. And Dom goes, oh, thank you so much for giving me permission to do what I do for a living. You're opening for me and you, Dane, to bring your six-year-old kid. Thank you so much for letting me support myself by doing my act. He's absolutely right. So, hopefully, we're out of his way to say some hope. Oh, my God. He gets up and he goes, David Feldman's son is here. Such a sweetheart. Anyway, I don't even want to, it was pretty offensive. My son wasn't six, he was about, I'd say, 13. And laughing his head off. South Park, family guy. And all my kids were exposed to things that a lot of people didn't think was appropriate. And one of the things I learned from my mother-in-law, who's a saint, is that as long as they're being taught not to be racist and hateful, they can hear things that are, you know, and there's a time and a place for all types of comedy. And none of my children ever got sent home from school. They were never bullies. They are just, right, Alex, you met some of them, right? Yes, the best. The best. I mean, just kind, sweet. How many children do you have? About six. So, one of my kids is back. That's six. He doesn't have many kids. I don't know if I, there's a, I'm not gonna tell the story. I'll tell some other time. About six kids. There was a, there was a... When did you become a black father? All right, I was gonna tell a story. The point I'm making is I have a very disgusting room bit that I do for the comedy writers. That's really offensive, misogynistic. Why don't you? Right, and I did it. It's a new bit. It's just horrible. I did it for my kid, and Alex was there, and my son goes, hey, you're crossing the line. And I thought he was joking. And I realized that he's now in his 20s, and no matter how much he's been exposed to, and all the tasteless comedy he's been exposed to, he still knows right from wrong. And he was able to say to me, that's really bad taste. If I did it, I'd make sure he'd be laughing his ass off. God damn right. Bobby Slayton, Pittsburgh improv on the 23rd and 25th of September, crisis in six scenes, Amazon, Woody Allen. I think it'll be a second or third episode. I don't even know, because I haven't come out yet. Not only one, I've won Gracie with Woody Allen. It's one quick, well, I agonized over it for so long because I was so nervous working with Woody, and he could not have been a greater guy, a nicer director, more generous. How do people follow you on Twitter? Pitbull of comedy. Pitbull of comedy. And Facebook. I don't really care if they don't have to follow me, but it'd be nice, thank you. Yeah, follow Bobby, and everybody should at least see Bobby 10 times in their life. Especially the cunts and the niggers. The faggots, you too. And breakable retards, if you have any, around. I'm fucked with the whole family. From the show Brits Studios in downtown Manhattan, that'll do it for us. I'm gonna tell you about a podcast that I listen to. Two of my friends host it, and I think you should listen to it. Andrew Goldstein, maybe you remember him as my Jew on some of our more popular episodes with the David Feldman show. Andrew Goldstein is a brilliant comedy writer from MTV and Race Wars. And Matt Goldich writes for Late Night with Seth Meyers, brilliantly funny comedian and comedy writer. They have a new podcast. You can download it on iTunes. It's called Sorry I've Been So Busy. You know, everyone always says they're so busy, but what exactly are they so busy with? Well, in their podcast, Sorry I've Been So Busy, writer, comedians Matt Goldich and Andrew Goldstein talk to their interesting and funny friends to find out what they've actually been so busy with. Everything from major life and career events to everyday minutiae. Sorry I've Been So Busy is the only podcast that will never blow you off unless something comes up.