 The Gold Bug by Edgar Allen Poe. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. What ho? What ho? This fellow is dancing mad. He has been bitten by the tarantula, excerpted from All in the Wrong. Many years ago, I contracted an intimacy with a Mr. William Legrand. He was of an ancient Huguenot family and had once been wealthy, but a series of misfortunes had reduced him to want. To avoid the mortification consequent upon his disasters, he left New Orleans, the city of his forefathers, and took up his residence at Sullivan's Island near Charleston, South Carolina. This island is a very singular one. It consists of little elves than the sea sand and is about three miles long. Its breath at no point exceeds a quarter of a mile. It is separated from the mainland by a scarcely perceptible creek, oozing its way through a wilderness of reeds and slime, a favorite resort of the Marchen. The vegetation, as might be supposed, is scant or at least doorfish. No trees of any magnitude are to be seen. Near the western extremity where Fort Moultrie stands and where are some miserable frame buildings, tenanted during summer by the fugitives from Charleston dust and fever, may be found indeed the bristly Palmetto. But the whole island, with the exception of this western point and a line of hard white beach on the sea coast, is covered with a dense undergrowth of the sweet myrtle, so much prized by the horticulturists of England. The shrub here often attains the height of 15 or 20 feet and forms an almost impenetrable coppice, birthing the air with its fragrance. In the inmost recesses of this coppice, not far from the eastern or more remote end of the island, Legrand had built himself a small hut, which he occupied when I first, by mere accident, made his acquaintance. This soon ripened into friendship, for there was much in the recluse to excite interest and esteem. I found him well educated, with unusual powers of mind, but infected with misanthropy and subject to perverse moods of alternate enthusiasm and melancholy. He had with him many books, but rarely employed them. His chief amusements were gunning and fishing, or sauntering along the beach and through the myrtles in quest of shells or entomological specimens. His collection of the latter might have been envied by a swammerdown. In these excursions, he was usually accompanied by an old negro called Jupiter, who had been manumitted before the reverses of the family, but who could be induced, neither by threats nor by promises, to abandon what he considered his right of attendance upon the footsteps of his young Massa Will. It is not improbable that the relatives of Legrand, conceiving him to be somewhat unsettled in intellect, had contrived to instill this obstinacy into Jupiter, with a view to the supervision and guardianship of the wanderer. The winters in the latitude of Sullivan's Island are seldom very severe and in the fall of the year, it is a rare event indeed when a fire is considered necessary. About the middle of October, 18, there occurred, however, a day of remarkable chilliness. Just before sunset, I scrambled my way through the evergreens to the hut of my friend, whom I had not visited for several weeks, my residence being, at that time, in Charleston, a distance of nine miles from the island, while the facilities of passage and repassage were very far behind those of the present day. Upon reaching the hut, I wrapped, as was my custom, and getting no reply, sought for the key where I knew it was secreted, unlocked the door and went in. A fine fire was blazing upon the hearth. It was a novelty and by no means an ungrateful one. I threw off an overcoat, took an armchair by the crackling logs, and awaited patiently the arrival of my hosts. Soon after dark, they arrived and gave me a most cordial welcome. Jupiter, grinning from ear to ear, bustled about to prepare some marsh hens for supper. Legrand was in one of his fits. How else shall I term them? Of enthusiasm. He had found an unknown bivalve, forming a new genus, and more than this, he had hunted down and secured, with Jupiter's assistance, a scarabias which he believed to be totally new, but in respect to which he wished to have my opinion on the morrow. And why not tonight, I asked, rubbing my hands over the blaze and wishing the whole tribe of scarabia at the devil. Ah, if only I had known you were here, said Legrand. But it's so long since I saw you, and how could I foresee that you would pay me a visit this very night of all others? As I was coming home, I met Lieutenant G from the fort, and very foolishly, I lent him the bug, so it will be impossible for you to see it until the morning. Stay here tonight, and I will send jup down for it at sunrise. It is the loveliest thing in creation. What, sunrise? Nonsense, no, the bug. It is of a brilliant gold color, about the size of a large hickory nut, with two jet black spots near one extremity of the back, and another, somewhat longer, at the other. The antennae are, there ain't no tin in him, Massawil. I'll keep a tell on you. Here interrupted Jupiter. The bug is a gold bug, solid, every bit of him. Inside and all, sap him wing, never feel half so heavy a bug in my life. Well, suppose it is jup, replied Legrand, somewhat more earnestly, it seemed to me than the case demanded. Is that any reason for your letting the birds burn? The color, here he turned to me, is really almost enough to warrant Jupiter's idea. You never saw a more brilliant metallic luster than the scales emit, but of this you cannot judge till tomorrow. In the meantime, I can give you some idea of the shape. Saying this, he seated himself at a small table, on which were a pen and ink, but no paper. He looked for some in a drawer, but found none. Nevermind, he said at length, this will answer. And he drew from his waistcoat pocket a scrap of what I took to be a very dirty fool's cap, and made upon it a rough drawing with a pen. While he did this, I retained my seat by the fire, for I was still chilly. When the design was complete, he handed it to me without rising. As I received it, a loud growl was heard, succeeded by a scratching at the door. Jupiter opened it, and a large Newfoundland, belonging to Legrand, rushed in, leaped upon my shoulders, and loaded me with caresses, for I had shown him much attention during previous visits. When his gambles were over, I looked at the paper, and, to speak the truth, found myself not a little puzzled at what my friend had depicted. Well, I said, after contemplating it for some minutes, this is a strange scarabias, I must confess. New to me, never saw anything like it before, unless it was a skull, or a death's head, which it more nearly resembles than anything else that has come under my observation. A death's head? Echoed Legrand. Oh, yes, well, it has something of that appearance upon paper, no doubt. The two upper black spots look like eyes, eh? And the longer one at the bottom, like a mouth, and then the shape of the hole is oval. Perhaps so, said I. But, Legrand, I fear you are no artist. I must wait until I see the beetle itself, if I am to form any idea of its personal appearance. Well, I don't know, said he, a little nettled. I draw tolerably, should do it at least, have had good masters, and flatter myself that I am not quite a blockhead. But, my dear fellow, you are joking then, said I. This is a very passable skull. Indeed, I may say that it is a very excellent skull, according to the vulgar notions about such specimens of physiology. And your scarabias must be the queerest scarabias in the world, if it resembles it. Why, we may get up a very thrilling bit of superstition upon this hint. I presume you will call the bug scarabias capit hominus or something of that kind. There are many similar titles in the natural histories. But where are the antennae you spoke of? The antennae, said Legrand, who seemed to be getting unaccountably warm upon the subject. I am sure you must see the antennae. I made them as distinct as they are from the original insect, and I presume that is sufficient. Well, well, I said, perhaps you have. Still, I don't see them. And I handed him the paper without additional remark, not wishing to ruffle his temper. But I was much surprised at the turn affairs had taken. His ill humor puzzled me, and, as for the drawing of the beetle, there were positively no antennae visible, and the hole did bear a very close resemblance to the ordinary cuts of a death-head. He received the paper very peevishly, and was about to crumple it, apparently to throw it in the fire, when a casual glance at the design seemed suddenly to rivet his attention. In an instant, his face grew violently red, and another as excessively pale. For some minutes, he continued to scrutinize the drawing minutely where he sat. At length he arose, took a candle from the table, and proceeded to seat himself upon a sea-chest in the farthest corner of the room. Here again he made an anxious examination of the paper, turning it in all directions. He said nothing, however, and his conduct greatly astonished me, yet I thought it prudent not to exacerbate the growing moodiness of his temper by any comment. Presently he took from his coat pocket a wallet, placed the paper carefully in it, and deposited both in a writing desk, which he locked. He now grew more composed in his demeanor, but his original air of enthusiasm had quite disappeared. Yet he seemed not so much sulky as abstracted. As the evening wore away, he became more and more absorbed in reverie, from which no sallies of mine could arouse him. It had been my intention to pass the night at the hut as I had frequently done before, but seeing my host in this mood, I deemed it proper to take leave. He did not press me to remain, but as I departed, he shook my hand with even more than his usual cordiality. It was about a month after this, and during the interval I had seen nothing of the groan when I received a visit at Charleston from his man, Jupiter. I had never seen the good old Negro look so dispirited, and I feared that some serious disaster had befallen my friend. Well, jup, said I, what is the matter now? How was your master? Why, to speak the truth, Massa, him not so bear well as maup be. Not well, I am truly sorry to hear it. What does he complain of? Dar, that's it. Him never playing a nut, but him very sick for all that. Very sick, Jupiter. Why didn't you say so at once? Is he confined to bed? No, dad, he ain't. He ain't find nowhere. That's just where to shoe pinch. My mind is got to bury habit about poor Massa Will. Jupiter, I should like to understand what it is you are talking about. You say your master is sick. Hasn't he told you what ails him? Why, Massa, taint worth while for to get mad about the matter? Massa Will say nothing at all, ain't to matter with him. But then, what make him go about looking this here way with his head down and his shoulders up, and as white as a ghost? And then he keep a siphon all the time. Keeps a what, Jupiter? Keeps a siphon with the figures on the slate, the quearest figures I ever did see. It's getting me scared, I tell you. Have for to keep my tight eye upon him, noobers. To other day, he give me the slip for the sun up, and was gone the whole of the blessed day. I had a big stick ready cut for to give him deuce good beating when he did come, but I was such a fool that I hadn't a heart after all. He looks so buried poorly. What? Ah, yes, upon the whole, I think you had better not be too severe with the poor fellow. Don't flog him, Jupiter. He can't very well stand it. But can you form no idea of what has occasioned this illness, or rather this change of conduct? Has anything unpleasant happened since I saw you? No, Massa, day ain't been nothing unpleasant since, Dan. To was for, Dan, I'm feared. To was de bear a day you was dare. How, what do you mean? Why, Massa, I mean to bug, dare now. But what? To bug, I'm bare a certain that Massa will bend bit somewhere about the head by that gold bug. And what cause have you, Jupiter, for such a supposition? Claws enough, Massa, and mouth too. I never did see such a deuce bug. He kick and he bite Aberting will come near him. Massa will catch him first, but he had for to let him go again, might it quick, I tell you. Dan was the time he must have got to bite. I didn't like the look of the bug mouth myself, no how, so I wouldn't take hold of him with my finger, but I catch him with a piece of paper that I found. I wrap him up into paper and stuff a piece of it in his mouth. That was de way. And you think, then, that your master was really bitten by the beetle, and that the bite made him sick? I don't think nothing about it. I knows it. What make him dream about the gold so much, if they ain't cause he bit by the gold bug? I's hear about them gold bugs for this. But how do you know he dreams about gold? How I know, why, cause he talk about it in his sleep. That's how I knows. Well, Jude, perhaps you are right, but to what fortunate circumstance am I to attribute the honor of a visit from you today? What the matter, Massa? Did you bring any message from Mr. Legrand? No, Massa, I bring this here pistol. And here, Jupiter handed me a note, which ran thus. My dear, why have I not seen you for so long a time? I hope you have not been so foolish as to take offense at any little brusquery of mine. But no, that is improbable. Since I saw you, I have had great cause for anxiety. I have something to tell you, yet scarcely know how to tell it or whether I should tell it at all. I have not been quite well for some days past, and poor old Jupe annoys me almost beyond endurance by his well-meant attentions. Would you believe it? He had prepared a huge stick the other day, with which to chastise me for giving him the slip and spending the day solace among the hills on the mainland. I verily believe that my ill looks alone saved me of flogging. I have made no addition to my cabinet since we met. If you can, in any way, make it convenient. Come over with Jupiter. Do come. I wish to see you tonight upon business of importance. I assure you that it is of the highest importance. Ever yours, William Legrand. There was something in the tone of this note which gave me great uneasiness. Its whole style differed materially from that of Legrand. What could he be dreaming of? What new crotchet possessed his excitable brain? What business of the highest importance could he possibly have to transact? Jupiter's account of him boated no good. I dreaded lest the continued pressure of misfortune had, at length, fairly unsettled the reason of my friend. Without a moment's hesitation, therefore, I prepared to accompany the Negro. Upon reaching the wharf, I noticed a sigh than three spades, all apparently new, lying in the bottom of the boat in which we were to embark. What is the meaning of all this, jupe, I inquired? Him sighed, Massa, and spade. Very true, but what are they doing here? Him to sigh and to spade, what Massa will, cispom me buying for him into town, into devil's own lot of money I had to give for him. But what, in the name of all that is mysterious, is your Massa will going to do with sighs and spades? That's more than I know, and devil take me if I don't believe it is more than he know too, but it's all common to bug. Finding that no satisfaction was to be obtained of Jupiter, whose whole intellect seemed to be absorbed by debug, I now stepped into the boat and made sail. With a fair and strong breeze, we soon ran into the little cove to the northward of Fort Moultrie, and a walk of some two miles brought us to the hut. It was about three in the afternoon when we arrived. Legrand had been awaiting us in eager expectation. He grasped my hand with a nervous ompressment, which alarmed me and strengthened the suspicions already entertained. His countenance was pale, even to ghastliness, and his deep-set eyes glared with unnatural luster. After some inquiries respecting his health, I asked him, not knowing what better to say if he had yet obtained the scarabias from Lieutenant G. Oh, yes, he replied, coloring violently. I got it from him the next morning. Nothing should tempt me to part with that scarabias. Do you know that Jupiter is quite right about it? In what way, I asked, with a sad foreboding at heart. In supposing it to be a bug of real gold, he said this with an air of profound seriousness, and I felt inexpressibly shocked. This bug is to make my fortune, he continued, with a triumphant smile, to reinstate me in my family possessions. Is it any wonder, then, that I prize it? Since fortune has thought fit to bestow it upon me, I have only to use it properly, and I shall arrive at the gold of which it is the index. Jupiter, bring me that scarabias. What, the bug, Massa? I'd rather not go for trouble that bug. You must get him for your own self. Hereupon Legrand arose, with a grave and stately air, and brought me the beetle from a glass case in which it was enclosed. It was a beautiful scarabias, and, at that time, unknown to naturalists. Of course, a great prize and a scientific point of view. There were two round black spots near one extremity of the back and a long one near the other. The scales were exceedingly hard and glossy, with all the appearance of burnished gold. The weight of the insect was very remarkable, and, taking all things into consideration, I could hardly blame Jupiter for his opinion respecting it. But what to make of Legrand's concordance with that opinion I could not, for the life of me, tell. I sent for you, said he, in a grand eloquent tone, when I had completed my examination of the beetle. I sent for you that I might have your counsel and assistance in furthering the views of fate and of the bug. My dear Legrand, I cried, interrupting him. You are certainly unwell and had better use some little precautions. You shall go to bed, and I will remain with you a few days until you get over this. You are feverish and, feel my pulse, said he. I felt it, and, to say the truth, found not the slightest indication of fever. But you may be ill and yet have no fever. Allow me this once to prescribe for you. In the first place, go to bed. In the next, you are mistaken, he interposed. I am as well as I can expect to be under the excitement which I suffer. If you really wish me well, you will relieve this excitement. And how is this to be done? Very easily, Jupiter and myself are going upon an expedition into the hills, upon the mainland, and, in this expedition, we shall need the aid of some person in whom we can confide. You are the only one we can trust. Whether we succeed or fail, the excitement which you now perceive in me will be equally elade. I'm anxious to oblige you in any way, I replied. But do you mean to say that this infernal beetle has any connection with your expedition into the hills? It has. Then, Legrand, I can become a party to know such absurd proceeding. I am sorry, very sorry, for we shall have to try it by ourselves. The man is surely mad, but stay. How long do you propose to be absent? Probably all night. We shall start immediately and be back at all events by sunrise. And will you promise me, upon your honor, that when this freak of yours is over and the bug business, good God, settled to your satisfaction, you will then return home and follow my advice implicitly as that of your physician? Yes, I promise. Yes, I promise. And now let us be off, for we have no time to lose. With a heavy heart, I accompany my friend. We started about four o'clock, Legrand, Jupiter, the dog, and myself. Jupiter had with him the scythe and spades, the hole of which he insisted upon carrying. More through fear, it seemed to me, of trusting either of the implements within reach of his master than from any excess of industry or complacence. His demeanor was dogged in the extreme, and that deucid bug were the sole words which escaped his lips during the journey. For my own part, I had charge of a couple of dark lanterns, while Legrand contented himself with a scarabius, which he carried attached to the end of a bit of width cord, twirling it to and fro, with the air of a conjurer as he went. When I observed this last plain evidence of my friend's aberration of mind, I could scarcely refrain from tears. I thought it best, however, to humor his fancy, at least for the present, or until I could adopt some more energetic measures with a chance of success. In the meantime, I endeavored, but all in vain, to sound him in regard to the object of the expedition. Having succeeded in inducing me to accompany him, he seemed unwilling to hold conversation upon any topic of minor importance. And to all my questions, vouchsafed, no other reply than, we shall see. We crossed the creek at the head of the island by means of a skiff, and, ascending the high grounds on the shore of the mainland, proceeded in a northwesterly direction, through a tract of country excessively wild and desolate, where no trace of a human footstep was to be seen. Legrand led the way with decision, pausing only for an instant here and there to consult what appeared to be certain landmarks of his own contrivance upon a former occasion. In this manner, we journeyed for about two hours, and the sun was just setting when we entered a region infinitely more dreary than any yet seen. It was a species of table land near the summit of an almost inaccessible hill, densely wooded from base to pinnacle, and interspersed with huge crags that appeared to lie loosely upon the soil, and in many cases were prevented from precipitating themselves into the valleys below, merely by the support of the trees against which they reclined. Deep ravines in various directions gave an air of still, sterner solemnity to the scene. The natural platform to which we had clambered was thickly overgrown with brambles through which we soon discovered that it would have been impossible to force our way, but for the scythe, and Jupiter, by direction of his master, proceeded to clear for us a path to the foot of an enormously tall tulip tree, which stood with some eight or 10 oaks upon the level, and far surpassed them all, and all other trees which I had then ever seen in the beauty of its foliage and form, in the widespread of its branches, and in the general majesty of its appearance. When we reached this tree, Legrand turned to Jupiter and asked him if he thought he could climb it. The old man seemed a little staggered by the question, and for some moments made no reply. At length he approached the huge trunk, walked slowly around it, and examined it with minute attention. When he had completed his scrutiny, he merely said, "'Yes, Massa, Jupiter climbed any tree he ever see, and he alive. Then up with you as soon as possible, for it will soon be too dark to see what we are about. "'How far must go up, Massa?' inquired Jupiter. "'Get up the main trunk first, and then I will tell you which way to go. And here, stop, take this beetle with you. "'Debug, Massa will. "'Degoal, bug!' cried the negro, drawing back in dismay. "'What form must toad debug way up the tree? "'Damn if I do!' "'If you are afraid, Jupiter, a great big negro like you, to take hold of a harmless little dead beetle, why you can carry it up by this string. "'But if you do not take it up with you in some way, I shall be under the necessity of breaking your head with this shovel.' "'What the matter now, Massa?' said Jupiter, evidently shamed into compliance. "'Oh, he's want for to raise fuss with the old nigger. "'Was only fun in anyhow. "'Me fear debug. "'What I care for debug?' Here he took cautiously hold of the extreme end of the string and maintaining the insect as far from his person as circumstances would permit, prepared to ascend the tree. In youth, the tulip tree, or lyriodendron tulipepherum, the most magnificent of American foresters, has a trunk peculiarly smooth and often rises to a great height without lateral branches. But in its riparage, the bark becomes gnarled and uneven, while many short limbs make their appearance on the stem. Thus the difficulty of ascension in the present case lay more in semblance than in reality. Embracing the huge cylinder as closely as possible with his arms and knees, seizing with his hands some projections and resting his naked toes upon others, Jupiter, after one or two narrow escapes from falling, at length wriggled himself into the first great fork and seemed to consider the whole business as virtually accomplished. The risk of the achievement was, in fact, now over, although the climber was some 60 or 70 feet from the ground. "'Which way must go now, Massa Will?' he asked. "'Keep up the largest branch, the one on this side,' said Legrand. The negro obeyed him promptly and apparently with but little trouble, ascending higher and higher until no glimpse of his squat figure could be obtained through the dense foliage which enveloped it. Presently his voice was heard in a sort of halloo. "'How much further is got for go?' "'How high up are you?' asked Legrand. "'Ever so fur,' replied the negro. "'Can see the sky through the top of the tree.' "'Never mind the sky, but attend to what I say. "'Look down the trunk and count the limbs below you on this side. "'How many limbs have you passed? "'One, two, three, four, five. "'I don't pass five big limbs, Massa,' ponded his side. "'Then go one limb higher.' "'In a few minutes the voice was heard again, "'announcing that the seventh limb was attained.' "'Now, Jupe,' cried Legrand, evidently much excited. "'I want you to work your way out upon that limb "'as far as you can. "'If you see anything strange, let me know.' "'By this time what little doubt "'I might have entertained of my poor friends and sanity "'was put finally at rest. "'I had no alternative but to conclude him stricken "'with lunacy, and I became seriously anxious "'about getting him home. "'While I was pondering upon what was best to be done, "'Jupiter's voice was again heard. "'Most feared for to venture pond his limb very far. "'To his dead limb put him much all the way.' "'Did you say it was a dead limb, Jupiter?' "'cried Legrand, in a quavering voice. "'Yes, Massa, him dead as the doornail, "'done up for certain, done to part this here life. "'What in the name of heaven shall I do?' asked Legrand, "'seemingly in the greatest distress. "'Do,' said I, glad of an opportunity to interpose a word. "'Why, come home and go to bed. "'Come now, that's a fine fellow. "'It's getting late, and besides, you remember your promise.' "'Jupiter,' cried he, without heeding me in the least. "'Do you hear me?' "'Yes, Massa will. "'Hear you ever so plain. "'Try the wood well, then, with your knife, "'and see if you think it very rotten.' "'Him rotten, Massa, sure enough,' replied the Negro "'in a few moments, but not so very rotten as Mopi. "'Maw venture out little way, pawn to limb by myself. "'That's true.' "'By yourself? "'What do you mean?' "'Why, I mean to bug. "'Tis bare a habit bug. "'Suppose I drop him down first, "'and then to limb one break would dash the way to one nigger.' "'You infernal scoundrel,' cried Legrand, "'apparently much relieved. "'What do you mean by telling me such nonsense as that? "'As sure as you drop that beetle, I'll break your neck. "'Look here, Jupiter, do you hear me? "'Yes, Massa, ninhale po niggadat stah.' "'Well, now listen. "'If you will venture out on the limb as far as you think safe "'and not let go the beetle, "'I'll make you a present of a silver dollar "'as soon as you get down.' "'I'm going, Massa will, did I is?' replied the Negro "'very promptly. "'Moss out to the end now.' "'Out to the end?' "'Hear fairly screamed Legrand. "'Do you say you are out to the end of that limb? "'Soon be to the end, Massa. "'Woo, Lord Gal, a mercy. "'What is this here pond of tree?' "'Well,' cried Legrand, highly delighted. "'What is it? "'Why, it ain't nothing but a skull. "'Somebody then left him head up to tree "'and it crows don't gobble every bit of the meat off.' "'A skull, you say? "'Very well. "'How is it fastened to the limb? "'What holds it on?' "'Sure enough, Massa. "'Must look. "'Why, dis bear a curious circumstance, "'pond my word. "'There's a great big nail into skull. "'What fastens obit on to the tree?' "'Well, now, Jupiter, do exactly as I tell you. "'Do you hear? "'Yes, Massa. "'Pay attention, then. "'Find the left eye of the skull.' "'Come, ho. "'Dat's good. "'Why, it ain't no left eye at all. "'Curse your stupidity. "'Do you know your right hand from your left?' "'Yes, I know his dat, knows all about dat. "'Tis my left hand what I chops to wood with. "'To be sure, you are left-handed "'and your left eye is on the same side "'as your left hand. "'Now, I suppose you can find the left eye of the skull "'or the place where the left eye has been. "'Have you found it?' "'Here was a long pause. "'At length,' the Negro asked. "'Is the left eye of the skull "'pond the same side as the left hand of the skull, too? "'Cause the skull ain't got not a bit of a hand at all. "'Never mind. "'I got the left eye now. "'Here's the left eye. "'What must do with it?' "'Let the beetle drop through it. "'As far as the string will reach. "'But be careful and not let go of your hold of the string.' "'All dat done, Massa Will. "'My da easy ting. "'For to put da bug through da hole. "'Look out for him dare below!' "'During this colloquy, "'no portion of Jupiter's person could be seen. "'But the beetle, which he had suffered to descend, "'was now visible at the end of the string "'and glistened like a globe of burnished gold "'in the last rays of the setting sun, "'some of which still faintly illuminated "'the eminence upon which we stood. "'The scarabias hung quite clear of any branches, "'and, if allowed to fall, would have fallen at our feet. "'Lagran immediately took the scythe "'and cleared with it a circular space, "'three or four yards in diameter, just beneath the insect, "'and, having accomplished this, ordered Jupiter "'to let go the string and come down from the tree. "'Driving a peg, with great nicety, "'into the ground, at the precise spot where the beetle fell, "'my friend now produced from his pocket a tape measure. "'Fascining one end of this at that point "'of the trunk of the tree, which was nearest to the peg, "'he unrolled it till it reached the peg "'and then further unrolled it, "'in the direction already established "'by the two points of the tree and the peg, "'for the distance of 50 feet, Jupiter clearing away "'the brambles with the scythe. "'At the spot thus attained, a second peg was driven, "'and about this, as a center, a rude circle, "'about four feet in diameter, described. "'Taking now a spade himself "'and giving one to Jupiter and one to me, "'Lagran begged us to set about digging "'as quickly as possible. "'To speak the truth, I had no a special relish "'for such amusement at any time, "'and at that particular moment, "'would most willingly have declined it, "'for the night was coming on, "'and I felt much fatigued "'with the exercise already taken, "'but I saw no motive escape "'and was fearful of disturbing my poor friend's equanimity "'by a refusal. "'Could I have depended, indeed, upon Jupiter's aid, "'I would have had no hesitation "'in attempting to get the lunatic home by force, "'but I was too well assured of the old Negro's disposition "'to hope that he would assist me, "'under any circumstances, "'in a personal contest with his master? "'I made no doubt that the latter had been infected "'with some of the innumerable southern superstitions "'about money buried "'and that his fantasy had received confirmation "'by the finding of the Scarabeus, "'or perhaps by Jupiter's obstinacy "'in maintaining it to be a bug of real gold. "'A mind disposed to lunacy "'would readily be led away by such suggestions, "'especially if chiming in with favorite preconceived ideas, "'and then I called to mind the poor fellow's speech "'about the Beatles being the index of his fortune. "'Upon the whole, I was sadly vexed and puzzled, "'but at length, I concluded to make a virtue of necessity "'to dig with a goodwill "'and thus the sooner to convince the visionary "'by ocular demonstration "'of the fallacy of the opinions he entertained?' "'The lanterns having been lit, "'we all fell to work with the zeal, "'worthy a more rational cause, "'and as the glare fell upon our persons and implements, "'I could not help thinking how picturesque a group we composed "'and how strange and suspicious our labors "'must have appeared to any interloper "'who by chance might have stumbled upon our whereabouts. "'We dug very steadily for two hours. "'Little was said, and our chief embarrassment lay "'in the helpings of the dog "'who took exceeding interest in our proceedings. "'He, at length, became so obstreperous "'that we grew fearful of his giving the alarm "'to some stragglers in the vicinity, "'or, rather, this was the apprehension of Legrand. "'For myself, I should have rejoiced at any interruption, "'which might have enabled me to get the wanderer home. "'The noise was, at length, "'very effectually silenced by Jupiter, "'who, getting out of the hole with a dogged air "'of deliberation, tied the brute's mouth up "'with one of his suspenders, "'and then returned with a grave chuckle to his task. "'When the time mentioned had expired, "'we had reached a depth of five feet, "'and yet no signs of any treasure became manifest. "'A general pause ensued, "'and I began to hope that the farce was in an end. "'Legrand, however, although evidently much disconcerted, "'wiped his brow thoughtfully and recommend. "'We had excavated the entire circle of four-feet diameter, "'and now we slightly enlarged the limit, "'and went to the farther depth of two feet. "'Still nothing appeared. "'The gold-seeker, whom I sincerely pitted, "'at length clambered from the pit "'with a bitterest disappointment imprinted upon every feature, "'and proceeded, slowly and reluctantly, "'to put on his coat, "'which he had thrown off at the beginning of his labor. "'In the meantime, I made no remark. "'Jupiter, at a signal from his master, "'began to gather up his tools. "'This done, and the dog having been unmuzzled, "'we turned in profound silence toward home. "'We had taken, perhaps, a dozen steps in this direction, "'when, with a loud oath, "'Legrand strode up to Jupiter "'and seized him by the collar. "'The astonished Negro opened his eyes and mouth "'to the fullest extent, "'let fall the spades and fell upon his knees. "'You scoundrel,' said Legrand, "'hissing out the syllables "'from between his clenched teeth. "'You infernal black villain. "'Speak, I tell you. "'Answer me this instant without prevarication. "'Which, which is your left eye?' "'Oh, my golly, Massa Will. "'Ain't this here my left eye for cent?' "'Rored the terrified Jupiter, "'placing his hand upon his right organ of vision "'and holding it there with a desperate pertinacity "'as if in immediate dread "'of his master's attempt at a gouge. "'I thought so. "'I knew it. "'Hurrah!' bociferated Legrand, "'letting the Negro go "'and executing a series of curvets and caracals, "'much to the astonishment of his valet, "'who, arising from his knees, "'looked mutely from his master to myself "'and then from myself to his master. "'Come, we must go back,' said the latter, "'the game's not up yet, "'and he again led the way to the tulip tree. "'Jupiter,' said he, "'when we reached its foot. "'Come here, was the skull nailed to the limb "'with the face outward "'or with the face to the limb? "'The face was out, Massa, "'so that the crows could get at the eyes good "'without any trouble. "'Well, then, was it this eye or that "'through which you dropped the beetle?' "'Hurrah!' legrand touched each of Jupiter's eyes. "'It was this eye, Massa, the left eye, "'just as you tell me.' "'And here it was, his right eye "'that the Negro indicated. "'That will do. "'We must try it again.' "'Here, my friend, about whose madness I now saw, "'or fancy that I saw, certain indications of method, "'remove the peg which marked the spot "'where the beetle fell "'to a spot about three inches "'to the westward of its former position. "'Taking now the tape measure "'from the nearest point of the trunk to the peg, "'as before, and continuing the extension "'in a straight line to the distance of 50 feet, "'a spot was indicated, "'remove'd by several yards "'from the point at which we had been digging. "'Around the new position, a circle, "'somewhat larger than in the former instance, "'was now described, "'and we again set to work with the spade. "'I was dreadfully weary, "'but scarcely understanding "'what had occasioned the change in my thoughts, "'I felt no longer any greater version "'from the labor imposed. "'I had become most unaccountably interested, "'nay, even excited. "'Perhaps there was something "'amid all the extravagant demeanor of Legrand, "'some air of forethought, "'or of deliberation which impressed me. "'I dug eagerly, "'and now and then caught myself actually looking "'with something that very much resembled expectation "'for the fancy treasure, "'the vision of which had demented "'my unfortunate companion. "'At a period when such vagaries of thought "'most fully possessed me, "'and when we had been at work "'perhaps an hour and a half, "'we were again interrupted "'by the violent howlings of the dock. "'His uneasiness, in the first instance, "'had been, evidently, "'but the result of playfulness or caprice, "'but he now assumed a bitter and serious tone. "'Upon Jupiters again attempting to muzzle him, "'he made furious resistance, "'and, leaping into the hole, "'tore up the mold frantically with his claws. "'In a few seconds he had uncovered "'a mass of human bones, "'forming two complete skeletons, "'intermingled with several buttons of metal, "'and what appeared to be the dust of decayed woolen, "'one or two strokes of a spade "'upturned the blade of a large Spanish knife, "'and, as we dug farther, "'three or four loose pieces of gold "'and silver coin came to light. "'At sight of these, the joy of Jupiter "'could scarcely be restrained, "'but the countenance of his master "'wore an error of extreme disappointment. "'He urged us, however, to continue our exertions, "'and the words were hardly uttered "'when I stumbled and fell forward, "'having caught the toe of my boot "'in a large ring of iron that lay half-buried "'in the loose earth. "'We now worked in earnest, "'and never did I pass 10 minutes "'of more intense excitement. "'During this interval, we had fairly unearthed "'in an oblong chest of wood, "'which, from its perfect preservation "'and wonderful hardness, "'had plainly been subjected "'to some mineralizing process, "'perhaps that of the bichloride of Mercury. "'This box was three feet and a half long, "'three feet broad, and two and a half feet deep. "'It was firmly secured by bands of wrought iron, riveted, "'and forming a kind of open trellis work over the hole. "'On each side of the chest, near the top, "'were three rings of iron, six in all, "'by means of which a firm hold "'could be obtained by six persons. "'Our utmost united endeavors served only "'to disturb the coffer very slightly in its bed. "'We at once saw the impossibility "'of removing so great a weight. "'Luckily, the sole fastenings of the lid consisted "'of two sliding bolts. "'These we drew back, trembling and panting with anxiety. "'In an instant, a treasure of incalculable value "'lay gleaning before us. "'As the rays of the lanterns fell within the pit, "'their flashed upward a glow and a glare "'from a confused heap of gold and of jewels "'that absolutely dazzled our eyes. "'I shall not pretend to describe the feelings "'with which I gazed. "'Amazement was, of course, predominant. "'Lagrand appeared exhausted with excitement "'and spoke very few words. "'Jupiter's countenance wore, for some minutes, "'as deadly a pallor as it is possible "'in the nature of things, "'for any negro's visage to assume. "'He seemed stupefied, thunder-stricken. "'Presently he fell upon his knees in the pit, "'and burying his naked arms up to the elbows in gold, "'let them there remain as if enjoying the luxury of a bath. "'At length, with a deep sigh, "'he exclaimed, as if in soliloquy, "'And this all come at a gold bug, "'de putt a gold bug, "'de poor little gold bug, "'what I boosts in debt, savage kind of style. "'Ain't you shame be yourself, nigger? "'Answer me, debt.' "'It became necessary, at last, "'that I should arouse both master and valet "'to the expediency of removing the treasure. "'It was growing late, "'and it behooved us to make exertion "'that we might get everything housed before daylight. "'It was difficult to say what should be done, "'and much time was spent in deliberation, "'so confused were the ideas of all. "'We, finally, lightened the box "'by removing two-thirds of its contents "'when we were enabled, "'with some trouble, to raise it from the hole. "'The articles taken out were deposited among the brambles, "'and the dog left to guard them, "'with strict orders from Jupiter, "'neither upon any pretense to stir from the spot "'nor to open his mouth until our return. "'We then hurriedly made for home with the chest, "'reaching the hut in safety, "'but after excessive toil, at one o'clock in the morning. "'Worn out as we were, "'it was not in human nature to do more immediately. "'We rested until two, and had supper, "'starting for the hills immediately afterward, "'armed with three stout sacks, "'which, by good luck, were upon the premises. "'A little before four, we arrived at the pit, "'divided the remainder of the booty, "'as equally as might be, among us, "'and, leaving the holes unfilled, "'again set out for the hut, "'at which, for the second time, "'we deposited our golden birthings, "'just as the first faint streaks of the dawn "'gleaned from over the treetops in the east. "'We were now thoroughly broken down, "'but the intense excitement of the time "'denied us repose, "'after an unquiet slumber of three or four hours' duration. "'We arose, as if by pre-concert, "'to make examination of our treasure. "'The chest had been full to the brim, "'and we spent the whole day, "'in the greater part of the next night, "'in a scrutiny of its contents. "'There had been nothing like order or arrangement. "'Everything had been heaped in promiscuously. "'Having assorted all with care, "'we found ourselves possessed of even vaster wealth "'than we had at first supposed. "'In coin there was rather more than $450,000, "'estimating the value of the pieces, "'as accurately as we could, by the tables of the period. "'There was not a particle of silver, "'all was gold of antique date, "'and of great variety, French, Spanish, and German money, "'with a few English guineas, "'and some counters, "'of which we had never seen specimens before. "'There were several very large and heavy coins, "'so warned that we could make nothing "'of their inscriptions. "'There was no American money. "'The value of the jewels we found "'was more difficulty in estimating. "'There were diamonds, "'some of them exceedingly large and fine, "'110 in all, and not one of them small, "'18 rubies of remarkable brilliancy, "'310 emeralds, all very beautiful, "'and 21 sapphires with an opal. "'These stones had all been broken from their settings "'and thrown loose in the chest. "'The settings themselves, "'which we picked out from among the other gold, "'appeared to have been beaten up with hammers "'as if to prevent identification. "'Besides all this, "'there was a vast quantity of solid gold ornaments, "'nearly 200 massive finger and earrings, "'rich chains, 30 of these, if I remember, "'83 very large and heavy crucifixes, "'five gold sensors of great value, "'a prodigious golden punchbowl, "'ornamented with richly chaste vine leaves "'and bacchanalian figures, "'with two sword handles exquisitely embossed, "'and many other smaller articles, "'which I cannot recollect. "'The weight of these valuables exceeded 350 pounds "'and in this estimate I have not included 197 "'superb gold watches, "'three of the number being worth each $500 if one. "'Many of them were very old "'and as timekeepers valueless, "'the works having suffered more or less from corrosion, "'but all were richly jeweled "'and in cases of great worth, "'we estimated the entire contents of the chest, "'that night, at a million and a half of dollars "'and upon the subsequent disposal of the trinkets "'and jewels, a few being retained for our own use, "'it was found that we had greatly undervalued the treasure "'when, at length, we had concluded our examination "'and the intense excitement of the time had, "'in some measure, subsided. "'Lagran, who saw that I was dying with impatience "'for a solution of this most extraordinary riddle, "'entered into a full detail "'of all the circumstances connected with it. "'You remember,' said he, "'the night when I handed you the rough sketch "'I had made of this scarabias. "'You recollect also that I became quite vexed at you "'for insisting that my drawing resembled a death-head, "'when you first made this assertion, "'I thought you were jesting, "'but afterward I called to mind "'the peculiar spots in the back of the insect, "'and admitted to myself that your remark "'had some little foundation in fact. "'Still, the sneer at my graphic powers "'irritated me, for I am considered a good artist, "'and, therefore, when you handed me the scrap "'of parchment, I was about to crumble it off "'and throw it angrily into the fire. "'The scrap of paper, you mean,' said I. "'No, it had much of the appearance of paper, "'and at first I supposed it to be such, "'but when I came to draw upon it, "'I discovered it at once to be a piece "'of very thin parchment. "'It was quite dirty, you remember. "'Well, as I was in the very act of crumpling it up, "'my glance fell upon the sketch "'at which you had been looking, "'and you may imagine my astonishment "'when I perceived, in fact, "'the figure of a death-head just where, "'it seemed to me, I had made the drawing of the beetle. "'For a moment I was too much amazed "'to think with accuracy. "'I knew that my design was very different "'in detail from this, "'although there was a certain similarity "'in general outline. "'Presently I took a candle "'and seating myself at the other end of the room "'proceeded to scrutinize the parchment more closely. "'Upon turning it over, "'I saw my own sketch upon the reverse, "'just as I had made it. "'My first idea, now, "'was mere surprise at the really remarkable "'similarity of outline. "'At the singular coincidence involved "'in the fact that, unknown to me, "'there should have been a skull "'upon the other side of the parchment, "'immediately beneath my figure of the scarabias, "'and that this skull, not only an outline, "'but in size, should so closely resemble my drawing. "'I say the singularity of this coincidence "'absolutely stupefied me for a time. "'This is the usual effect of such coincidences. "'The mind struggles to establish a connection, "'a sequence of cause and effect, "'and, being unable to do so, "'suffers a species of temporary paralysis. "'But, when I recovered from this stupor, "'there dawned upon me gradually a conviction, "'which startled me even far more than the coincidence. "'I began distinctly, positively, "'to remember that there had been no drawing "'upon the parchment "'when I made my sketch of the scarabias. "'I became perfectly certain of this, "'where I recollected turning up first one side "'and then the other, in search of the cleanest spot. "'Had the skull been then there, "'of course I could not have failed to notice it. "'Here was indeed a mystery, "'which I felt it impossible to explain. "'But, even at that early moment, "'there seemed to glimmer, faintly, "'within the most remote and secret chambers "'of my intellect, a glowworm-like conception "'of that truth, which last night's adventure "'brought to so magnificent a demonstration. "'I arose at once, "'and putting the parchment securely away, "'dismissed all further reflection "'until I should be alone. "'When you had gone, "'and when Jupiter was fast asleep, "'I betook myself to a more methodical "'investigation of the affair. "'In the first place, I considered the manner "'in which the parchment had come into my possession. "'The spot where we discovered the scarabias "'was on the coast of the mainland, "'about a mile eastward of the island, "'and but a short distance above High Watermark. "'Upon my taking hold of it, "'it gave me a sharp bite, "'which caused me to let it drop. "'Jupiter, with his accustomed caution, "'before seizing the insect, "'which had flown toward him, "'looked about him for a leaf, "'or something of that nature, "'by which to take hold of it. "'It was at this moment that his eyes "'and mine also fell upon the scrap of parchment, "'which I then supposed to be paper. "'It was lying half-buried in the sand, "'a corner sticking up. "'Near the spot where we found it, "'I observed the remnants of the hull "'of what appeared to have been a ship's longboat. "'The wreck seemed to have been there "'for a very great while, "'for the resemblance to boat timbers "'could scarcely be traced. "'Well, Jupiter picked up the parchment, "'wrapped the beetle in it, and gave it to me. "'Soon afterward returned to go home, "'and on the way met Lieutenant G. "'I showed him the insect, "'and he begged me to let him take it to the fort. "'Upon my consenting, "'he thrust it forthwith into his waistcoat pocket, "'without the parchment in which it had been wrapped, "'and which I had continued to hold in my hand "'during his inspection. "'Perhaps he dreaded my changing my mind "'and thought it best to make sure of the prize at once. "'You know how enthusiastic he is "'on all subjects connected with natural history. "'At the same time, without being conscious of it, "'I must have deposited the parchment in my own pocket. "'You remember that when I went to the table "'for the purpose of making a sketch of the beetle, "'I found no paper where it was usually kept. "'I looked in the drawer and found none there. "'I searched my pockets, hoping to find an old letter "'when my hand fell upon the parchment. "'I thus detailed a precise mode "'in which it came into my possession, "'for the circumstances impressed me with peculiar force. "'No doubt you will think me fanciful, "'but I had already established a kind of connection. "'I had put together two links of a great chain. "'There was a boat lying upon a sea coast, "'and not far from the boat was a parchment, "'not a paper with a skull depicted upon it. "'You will, of course, ask. "'Where is the connection?' "'I replied that the skull, or death's head, "'is the well-known emblem of the pirate. "'The flag of the death's head "'is hoisted in all engagements. "'I have said that the scrap was parchment "'and not paper. "'Parchment is durable, almost imperishable. "'Matters of little moment "'are rarely consigned to parchment, "'since for the mere ordinary purposes "'of drawing or writing, "'it is not nearly so well adapted as paper. "'This reflection suggested some meaning, "'some relevancy in the death's head. "'I did not fail to observe also the form of the parchment. "'Although one of its corners had been, "'by some accident, destroyed, "'it could be seen that the original form was oblong. "'It was just such a slip, indeed, "'as might have been chosen for a memorandum, "'for a record of something to be long remembered "'and carefully preserved. "'But, I interposed, "'you say that the skull was not upon the parchment "'when you made the drawing of the beetle. "'How then do you trace any connection "'between the boat and the skull, "'since this ladder, according to your own admission, "'must have been designed, "'God only knows how or by whom, "'at some period subsequent "'to your sketching the scarabias. "'Ah, hereupon turns the whole mystery, "'although the secret, at this point, "'I had comparatively little difficulty in solving. "'My steps were sure "'and could afford but a single result. "'I reasoned, for example, thus, "'when I drew the scarabias, "'there was no skull apparent upon the parchment. "'When I had completed the drawing, I gave it to you "'and observed you narrowly until you returned it. "'You, therefore, did not design the skull "'and no one else was present to do it. "'Then it was not done by human agency "'and nevertheless it was done. "'At this stage of my reflections, "'I endeavored to remember and did remember "'with entire distinctiveness "'every incident which occurred "'about the period in question. "'The weather was chilly, oh rare and happy accident, "'and a fire was blazing upon the hearth. "'I was heated with exercise and sat near the table. "'You, however, had drawn a chair close to the chimney "'just as I placed the parchment in your hand. "'And as you were in the act of inspecting it, "'Wolf, the Newfoundland, entered "'and leaped upon your shoulders. "'With your left hand you caressed him and kept him off "'while your right, holding the parchment, "'was permitted to fall listlessly between your knees "'and in close proximity to the fire. "'At one moment I thought the blaze had caught it "'and was about to caution you. "'But before I could speak, "'you had withdrawn it "'and were engaged in its examination. "'When I considered all these particulars, "'I doubted not for a moment "'that heat had been the agent in bringing to light "'upon the parchment the skull which I saw designed upon it. "'You are well aware that chemical preparations exist "'and have existed time out of mind "'by means of which it is possible to write "'upon either paper or vellum "'so that the characters shall become visible "'only when subjected to the action of fire. "'Zafre, digested in aqua regia "'and diluted with four times its weight of water "'is sometimes employed, a green tint results. "'The regulus of cobalt, dissolved in spirit of nighter, "'gives a red. "'These colors disappear at longer or shorter intervals "'after the material written upon cools "'but again become apparent upon the reapplication of heat. "'I now scrutinized the death's head with care. "'It's outer edges. "'The edges of the drawing nearest to the edge of the vellum "'were far more distinct than the others. "'It was clear that the action of the caloric "'had been imperfect or unequal. "'I immediately kindled a fire "'and subjected every portion of the parchment "'to a glowing heat. "'At first, the only effect was the strengthening "'of the faint lines in the skull. "'But upon persevering in the experiment, "'there became visible at the corner of the slip, "'diagonally opposite to the spot "'in which the death's head was delineated, "'the figure of what I at first supposed to be a goat. "'A closer scrutiny, however, satisfied me "'that it was intended for a kid. "'Ha, ha,' said I, "'to be sure I have no right to laugh at you. "'A million and a half of money "'is too serious a matter for mirth, "'but you are not about to establish "'a third link in your chain. "'You will not find any special connection "'between your pirates and a goat. "'Pirates, you know, have nothing to do with goats. "'They appertain to the farming interest. "'But I have just said that the figure "'was not that of a goat. "'Well, a kid that. "'Pretty much the same thing. "'Pretty much. "'But not altogether,' said Legrand. "'You may have heard of one captain, kid. "'I had once looked upon the figure of the animal "'as a kind of punning or hieroglyphical signature. "'I say signature because its position "'upon the vellum suggested this idea. "'The death's head at the corner "'diagonally opposite had, in the same manner, "'the air of a stamp or seal. "'But I was sorely put out by the absence of all else, "'of the body to my imagined instrument, "'of the text for my context. "'I presume you expected to find a letter "'between the stamp and the signature. "'Something of that kind, the fact is "'I felt irresistibly impressed "'with the pre-sentiment "'of some vast good fortune impending. "'I can scarcely say why, "'perhaps, after all, it was rather a desire "'than an actual belief. "'But do you know that Jupiter's silly words "'about the bug being of solid gold "'had a remarkable effect upon my fancy, "'and then the series of accidents and coincidences? "'These were so very extraordinary. "'Do you observe how mere an accident it was "'that these events should have occurred "'upon the sole day of all the year "'in which it has been "'or maybe sufficiently cool for fire "'and that without the fire "'or without the intervention of the dog "'at the precise moment in which he appeared, "'I should never have become aware of the death-head, "'and so never the possessor of the treasure, "'but proceed, I am all impatient. "'Well, you have heard, of course, "'the many stories current, "'the thousand vague rumors afloat "'about money buried "'somewhere upon the Atlantic coast "'by Kid and his associates. "'These rumors must have had some foundation, in fact, "'and that the rumors have existed "'so long and so continuous could have resulted. "'It appeared to me only from the circumstance "'of the buried treasure still remaining in tuned. "'Had Kid concealed his plunder for a time "'and afterward reclaimed it, "'the rumors would scarcely have reached us "'in their present unvarying form. "'You will observe that the stories told "'are all about money-seekers, not money-finders. "'Had the pirate recovered his money, "'there the affair would have dropped. "'It seemed to me that some accident, "'say the loss of a memorandum, "'indicating its locality, "'had deprived him of the means of recovering it "'and that this accident had become known "'to his followers, who otherwise might never have heard "'that treasure had been concealed at all. "'And who, busying themselves in vain, "'because unguided, attempts to regain it, "'had given first birth and then universal currency "'to the reports which are now so common? "'Have you ever heard of any important treasure "'being unearthed along the coast? "'Never, but that Kid's accumulations were immense "'is well known. "'I took it for granted, therefore, "'that the earth still held them, "'and you will scarcely be surprised "'when I tell you that I felt a hope, "'nearly amounting to certainty "'that the parchment so strangely found "'involved a lost record of the place of deposit. "'But how did you proceed? "'I held the vellum against the fire "'after increasing the heat, but nothing appeared. "'I now thought it possible that the coating of dirt "'might have something to do with the failure, "'so I carefully rinsed the parchment "'by pouring warm water over it. "'And, having done this, I placed it in a tin pan "'with the skull downward "'and put the pan upon a furnace of lighted charcoal. "'In a few minutes, the pan having become thoroughly heated, "'I removed the slip and, to my inexpressible joy, "'found it spotted in several places "'with what appeared to be figures arranged in lines. "'Again, I placed it in the pan "'and suffered it to remain another minute. "'Upon taking it off, the hole was just as you see it now. "'Here, Legrand, having reheated the parchment, "'submitted it to my inspection. "'The following characters were rudely traced "'in a red tint between the death's head and the goat. "'Five, three, et cetera, three, zero, five, six, "'et cetera, et cetera, four, eight, zero, eight, one, "'semi-colon, eight, and so on and so on. "'But,' said I, returning him the slip, "'I am as much in the dark as ever. "'Where all the jewels of Golcanda awaiting me "'upon my solution of this enigma, "'I am quite sure that I should be unable to earn them. "'And yet,' said Legrand, "'the solution is by no means so difficult "'as you might be led to imagine "'from the first hasty inspection of the characters. "'These characters, as anyone might readily guess, "'form a cipher, that is to say, "'they convey a meaning. "'But then, from what is known of Kid, "'I could not suppose him capable "'of constructing any of the more abstruse cryptographs. "'I made up my mind at once "'that this was of a simple species, "'such, however, as would appear "'to the crude intellect of the sailor, "'absolutely insoluble without the key, "'and you really solved it. "'Reddly, I have solved others "'of an abstruseness 10,000 times greater. "'Circumstances and a certain bias of mind "'have led me to take interest in such riddles. "'And it may well be doubted "'whether human ingenuity can construct "'an enigma of the kind which human ingenuity "'may not, by proper application, resolve. "'In fact, having once established "'connected and legible characters, "'I scarcely gave a thought "'to the mere difficulty of developing their import. "'In the present case, indeed in all cases "'of secret writing, the first question "'regards the language of the cipher, "'or the principles of solution, so far especially, "'as the more simple ciphers are concerned, "'depend upon, and are varied by, "'the genius of the particular idiom. "'In general, there is no alternative but experiment, "'directed by probabilities, "'of every tongue known to him who attempts the solution, "'until the true one be attained, "'but with the cipher now before us, "'all difficulty was removed by the signature. "'The pun upon the word kid is appreciable "'in no other language than the English. "'But for this consideration, "'I should have begun my attempts "'with the Spanish and French, "'as the tongues in which a secret of this kind "'would most naturally have been written "'by a pirate of the Spanish Maine. "'As it was, I assumed the cryptograph "'to be English. "'You observe, there are no divisions between the words. "'Had there been divisions, "'the task would have been comparatively easy. "'In such cases, I should have commenced "'with the collation and analysis of the shorter words. "'And, had a word of a single letter occurred, "'as is most likely, A or I, for example, "'I should have considered the solution as assured. "'But there being no division, "'my first step was to ascertain the predominant letters, "'as well as the least frequent. "'Hounting all, I constructed a table thus. "'Of the character eight, there are 33, semi-colon, "'there are 26, the number four, there are 19, and so on. "'Now, in English, the letter "'which most frequently occurs is E. "'Afterward, the succession runs thus, "'A-O-I-D-H-N-R-S-T-U-Y-C-F-G-L-M-W-B-K-P-Q-X-Z. "'E' predominates so remarkably "'that an individual sentence of any length is rarely seen, "'in which it is not the prevailing character. "'Here, then, we have, in the very beginning, "'the groundwork for something more than a mere guess. "'The general use which may be made of the table is obvious, "'but in this particular cipher, "'we shall only very partially require its aid. "'As our predominant character is eight, "'we will commence by assuming it as the E "'of the natural alphabet. "'To verify the supposition, "'let us observe if the eight be seen often in couples, "'for E is doubled with great frequency in English, "'in such words, for example, as meat, fleet, speed, scene, "'ben, agree, et cetera. "'In the present instance, we see it doubled "'no less than five times. "'Although the cryptograph is brief, "'let us assume eight, then, as E, now, "'of all words in the language, the, is most usual. "'Let us see, therefore, "'whether there are not repetitions "'of any three characters in the same order of collocation, "'the last of them being eight. "'If we discover repetitions of such letters, so arranged, "'they will most probably represent the word the. "'Upon inspection, we find no less than seven such arrangements, "'the characters being semicolon four, eight. "'We may therefore assume that semicolon represents T, "'four represents H, and eight represents E, "'the last being now well-confirmed. "'Thus a great step has been taken. "'But, having established a single word, "'we are unable to establish a vastly important point, "'that is to say, several commencements "'and terminations of other words. "'Let us refer, for example, to the last instance but one, "'in which the combination semicolon four, eight occurs, "'not far from the end of the cipher. "'We know that the semicolon immediately ensuing "'is the commencement of a word, "'and of the six characters succeeding this, the, "'we are cognizant of no less than five. "'Let us set these characters down, thus, "'by the letters we know them to represent, "'leaving a space for the unknown, T, space, E, E, T, H. "'Here we are enabled at once to discard the TH, "'as forming no portion of the word commencing with the first T, "'since by experiment of the entire alphabet "'for a letter adept to the vacancy, "'we perceive that no word can be formed "'of which this TH can be a part. "'We are thus narrowed into T, space, E, E, "'and going through the alphabet, if necessary, "'as before, we arrive at the word tree "'as the sole possible reading. "'We thus gain another letter, R, represented by "'left parentheses, with the words, "'the tree, in juxtaposition. "'Looking beyond these words for a short distance, "'we again see the combination semicolon four eight, "'and employ it by way of termination "'to what immediately precedes. "'We thus have this arrangement, "'the, space, tree, space, semicolon four, "'left parentheses, and so on, "'or substituting the natural letters where known, "'it reads thus, the, space, tree, space, T, H, R, "'and so on. "'Now, if in place of the unknown characters, "'we leave blank spaces or substitute dots, "'we read thus, the, tree, T, H, R, blank, blank, blank, "'H, space, the, when the word through "'makes itself evident at once. "'But this discovery gives us three new letters, "'O, U, and G, represented by plus, "'question mark, and three. "'Looking now narrowly through the cipher "'for combinations of known characters, "'we find, not very far from the beginning, "'this arrangement, A3, left parentheses, A8, A8, "'or E, G, R, E, E, "'which plainly is the conclusion of the word degree "'and gives us another letter, D, represented by the cross. "'Four letters beyond the word degree, "'we perceive the combination, semicolon four, "'six, left parentheses, semicolon eight, eight, "'translating the known characters, "'and representing the unknowns by dots, "'as before, we read thus, T, H, R, T, E, E, "'an arrangement immediately suggestive of the word 13, "'and again furnishing us with two new characters, "'I and N, represented by six in star, "'referring now to the beginning of the cryptograph, "'we find the combination, five, three, plus, plus, cross, "'dot, translating as before, we obtain dot, good, "'which assures us that the first letter is A "'and that the first two words are a good. "'It is now time that we arrange our key "'as far as discovered in a tabular form "'to avoid confusion. "'It will stand thus, five represents A, "'cross represents D, eight represents E, and so on. "'We have, therefore, no less than 11 "'of the most important letters represented, "'and it will be unnecessary to proceed "'with the details of the solution. "'I have said enough to convince you "'that ciphers of this nature are readily soluble "'and to give you some insight "'into the rationale of their development, "'but be assured that the specimen before us "'apportains to the very simplest species of cryptograph. "'It now only remains to give you the full translation "'of the characters upon the parchment, as unriddled. "'Here it is. "'A good glass in the bishop's hostel, "'in the devil's seat, 41 degrees and 13 minutes northeast, "'and by north, main branch, seventh limb, "'east side, shoot from the left eye of the death's head, "'a beeline from the tree through the shot, 50 feet out. "'But,' said I, the enigma seems still "'in as bad a condition as ever. "'How is it possible to extort a meaning "'from all this jargon about devil's seats, "'death's heads, and bishop's hostels? "'I confess,' replied Legrand, "'that the matter still wears a serious aspect "'when regarded with a casual glance. "'My first endeavor was to divide the sentence "'into the natural division intended by the cryptographist. "'You mean to punctuate it, something of that kind? "'But how is it possible to affect this? "'I reflected that it had been a point "'with the writer to run his words together "'without division, "'so as to increase the difficulty of solution. "'Now, a not-over-acute man, "'in pursuing such an object, "'would be nearly certain to overdo the matter. "'When, in the course of his composition, "'he arrived at a break in his subject "'which would naturally require a pause or a point, "'he would be exceedingly apt to run his characters "'at this place more than usually close together. "'If you will observe the manuscript "'in the present instance, "'you will easily detect five such cases "'of unusual crowding, "'acting upon his hint, I made the division thus. "'A good glass in the bishop's hostel "'in the devil's seat, 41 degrees and 13 minutes, "'northeast and by north, "'main branch, seventh limb, east side, "'shoot from the left eye of the death's head, "'a beeline from the tree, "'through the shot, 50 feet out. "'Even this division, said I, leaves me still in the dark. "'It left me also in the dark,' replied the gron, "'for a few days, "'during which I made diligent inquiry "'in the neighborhood of Sullivan's Island "'for any building which went by the name "'of the bishop's hotel. "'Four, of course, I dropped the obsolete word, "'hostile, gaining no information on the subject, "'I was on the point of extending my sphere of search "'and proceeding in a more systematic manner, "'when, one morning, it entered my head, "'quite suddenly, that this bishop's hostel "'might have been some reference to an old family "'of the name of Bessop, which, time out of mind, "'had held possession of an ancient manor house "'about four miles to the northward of the island. "'I accordingly went over to the plantation "'and reinstituted my inquiries "'among the older negroes of the place. "'At length weren't the most aged of the women "'said that she had heard of such a place "'as Bessop's castle "'and thought that she could guide me to it, "'but that it was not a castle, "'nor a tavern, but a high rock. "'I offered to pay her well for her trouble, "'and, after some demure, "'she consented to accompany me to the spot. "'We found it without much difficulty. "'When dismissing her, I proceeded to examine the place. "'The castle consisted of an irregular assemblage "'of cliffs and rocks, "'one of the latter being quite remarkable "'for its height, as well as for its insulated "'and artificial appearance. "'I clambered to its apex "'and then felt much at a loss "'as to what should be next done. "'While I was busyed in reflection, "'my eyes fell upon a narrow ledge "'in the eastern face of the rock, "'perhaps a yard below the summit upon which I stood. "'This ledge projected about 18 inches "'and was not more than a foot wide, "'while a niche in the cliff just above it "'gave it a rude resemblance "'to one of the hollow-backed chairs "'used by our ancestors. "'I made no doubt that here was the devil's seat, "'alluded to in the manuscript, "'and now I seem to grasp the full secret of the riddle. "'The good glass, I knew, "'could have reference to nothing but a telescope, "'for the word glass is rarely employed "'in any other sense by semen. "'Now here, I at once saw, "'was a telescope to be used, "'and a definite point of view, "'admitting no variation from which to use it. "'Nor did I hesitate to believe "'that the phrases 41 degrees and 13 minutes "'and northeast and by north "'were intended as directions "'for the leveling of the glass. "'Greatly excited by these discoveries, "'I hurried home, procured a telescope, "'and returned to the rock. "'I let myself down to the ledge "'and found that it was impossible "'to retain a seat upon it, "'except in one particular position. "'This fact confirmed my preconceived idea. "'I proceeded to use the glass. "'Of course, the 41 degrees and 13 minutes "'could allude to nothing but elevation "'above the visible horizon, "'since the horizontal direction "'was clearly indicated by the words "'northeast and by north. "'This latter direction I at once established "'by means of a pocket compass. "'Then, pointing the glass as nearly at an angle "'of 41 degrees of elevation, "'as I could do it by guess, "'I moved it cautiously up or down "'until my attention was arrested "'by a circular rift or opening "'in the foliage of a large tree "'that overtopped its fellows in the distance. "'In the center of this rift, "'I perceived a white spot, "'but could not at first distinguish what it was. "'Adjusting the focus of the telescope, "'I again looked and now made it out "'to be a human skull. "'Upon this discovery, I was so sanguine "'as to consider the enigma solved. "'For the phrase, main branch, seventh limb, "'east side, could refer only "'to the position of the skull upon the tree. "'Well, shoot from the left eye of the death head, "'admitted also of but one interpretation "'in regard to a search for buried treasure. "'I perceived that the design was to drop a bullet "'from the left eye of the skull "'and that a B line, or in other words, "'a straight line drawn from the nearest point "'of the trunk through the shot "'or the spot where the bullet fell "'and then extended to a distance of 50 feet "'would indicate a definite point. "'And beneath this point, I thought it at least possible "'that a deposit of value lay concealed. "'All this, I said, is exceedingly clear "'and although ingenious, still simple and explicit. "'When you left the bishop's hotel, what then? "'Why, having carefully taken the bearings of the tree, "'I turned homeward. "'The instant that I left the devil's seat. "'However, the circular rift vanished, "'nor could I get a glimpse of it afterward, "'turn as I would. "'What seems to me the chief ingenuity "'in this whole business is the fact, "'for repeated experiment has convinced me, "'it is a fact, that the circular opening "'in question is visible from no other "'attainable point of view than that afforded "'by the narrow ledge upon the face of the rock. "'In this expedition to the bishop's hotel, "'I had been attended by Jupiter, "'who had, no doubt, observed for some weeks past "'the abstraction of my demeanor "'and took his special care not to leave me alone. "'But on the next day, getting up very early, "'I contrived to give him the slick "'and went into the hills in search of the tree "'after much toil I found it. "'When I came home at night, "'my valet proposed to give me a flogging. "'With the rest of the adventure, "'I believe you are as well acquainted as myself. "'I suppose,' said I, "'you missed the spot in the first attempt at digging "'through Jupiter's stupidity "'and letting the bug fall through the right "'instead of through the left eye of the skull. "'Precisely, this mistake made a difference "'of about two inches and a half in the shot, "'that is to say, in the position of the peg "'nearest the tree, "'and had the treasure been beneath shot, "'the error would have been a little moment. "'But the shot, together with the nearest point of the tree, "'were merely two points for the establishment "'of a line of direction. "'Of course the error, however trivial in the beginning, "'increased as we proceeded with the line. "'And by the time we had gone 50 feet "'through us quite off the scent, "'but for my deep-seated impressions "'that treasure was here somewhere actually buried, "'we might have had all our labor in vain. "'What your grand eloquence "'and your conduct in swinging the beetle, "'how excessively odd, I was sure you were mad. "'And why did you insist upon letting fall the bug "'instead of a bullet from the skull? "'Why, to be frank, "'I felt someone annoyed by your evident suspicions "'touching my sanity, and so resolved "'to punish you quietly in my own way "'by a little bit of sober mystification. "'For this reason I swung the beetle, "'and for this reason I let it fall from the tree. "'An observation of yours about its great weight "'suggested the latter idea. "'Yes, I perceive. "'And now there is only one point which puzzles me. "'What are we to make of the skeletons found in the hole? "'That is a question I am no more able "'to answer than yourself. "'There seems, however, "'only one plausible way of accounting for them. "'And yet it is dreadful to believe in such atrocity "'as my suggestion would imply. "'It is clear that Kid, if Kid indeed secreted this treasure, "'which I doubt not, it is clear "'that he must have had assistance in the labor. "'But this labor concluded, "'he may have thought it expedient "'to remove all participants in his secret. "'Perhaps a couple of blows with a mattock were sufficient, "'while his co-agitors were busy in the pit. "'Perhaps it required a dozen, who shall tell?" End of The Gold Bug by Edgar Allan Poe. His Wetted Wife by Rudger Kipling. Read by Beth Ann. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. His Wetted Wife. Crime murderer in the marketplace and each will turn upon his neighbor anxious eyes that ask, "'Are thou the man we hunted cane some centuries ago "'across the world that bred the fear "'our own misdeeds maintain today?'' Vibart's Moralities. Shakespeare says something about worms or it may be giants or beetles turning if you tread on them too severely. The safest plan is never to tread on a worm, not even on the last new subaltern from home with his buttons hardly out of their tissue paper and the red of sappy English beef in his cheeks. This is the story of the worm that turned. For the sake of brevity, we will call Henry Augustus Ramsey Falls'ing the worm. Although he really was an exceedingly pretty boy without a hair on his face and with a waist like a girl's when he came out to the Second Chakaris and was made unhappy in several ways. The Chakaris are a high caste regiment and you must be able to do things well, play a banjo or ride more than a little or sing or act to get on with them. The worm did nothing except fall off his pony and knock chips out of gateposts with his trap. Even that became monotonous after time. He objected to wist, cut the cloth at billards, sang out of tune, kept very much to himself and wrote to his mama and sisters at home. Four of these five things were vices which the Chakaris objected to and set themselves to eradicate. Everyone knows how subalterns are by brothers subalterns, softened and not permitted to be ferocious. It is good and wholesome and does no one any harm. Unless tempers are lost and then there is trouble. There was a man once, but that is another story. The Chakaris chakar the worm very much and he bore everything without winking. He was so good and so anxious to learn and flushed so pink that his education was cut short that he was left to his own devices by everyone except the senior subaltern who continued to make life a burden to the worm. The senior subaltern meant no harm, but his chaff was coarse. He didn't quite understand where to stop. He had been waiting too long for his company and that always sours a man. Also he was in love which made him worse. One day after he borrowed the worm strap for a lady who never existed, had used it himself all the afternoon, had sent a note to the worm reporting to come from the lady and was telling the mess all about it. The worm rose in his place and sat in his quiet ladylike voice. That was a very pretty cell, but it'll lay a month's pay to a month's pay when you get your step. The tally worker's cell and you yield our number for the rest of your days and the regiment after you when you're dead or broke. The worm wasn't angry in the least and the rest of the mess shouted. Then the senior subaltern looked at the worm from boots upwards and down again and said, done, baby. The worm took the rest of the mess to witness that the bet had been taken and retired into a book with a sweet smile. Two months passed and the senior subaltern still educated the worm who began to move about a little more as the hot weather came on. I have said that the senior subaltern was in love. The curious thing is that a girl was in love with the senior subaltern. Though the colonel said awful things and the majors snorted and married captains looked unutterable wisdom and the juniors scoffed, those two were engaged. The senior subaltern was so pleased with getting his company and his acceptance at the same time that he forgot to bother the worm. The girl was a pretty girl and had money of her own. She does not come into this story at all. One night at the beginning of the hot weather, all the mess except the worm who had gone to his own room to write home letters were sitting on the platform outside the mess house. The band had finished playing but no one wanted to go in and the captain's wives were there also. The falling of a man in love is unlimited. The senior subaltern had been holding forth on the merits of the girl he was engaged to and the ladies were purring approval. While the men yawned, when there was a rustle of skirts in the dark, an entire faint voice looked at itself. Why is my husband? I do not wish in the least to reflect on the morality of the Shakaris, but it is on record that four men jumped up as if they had been shot. Three of them were married men. Perhaps they were afraid that their wives had come from home unbeknownst. The fourth said that he had acted on the impulse of the moment. He explained this afterwards. Then the voice cried, oh, Lionel. Lionel was a senior subaltern's name. A woman came into the little circle of light by the candles on the peg tables stretching out her hands to the dark where the senior subaltern was and sobbing. We rose to our feet, feeling that things were going to happen and ready to believe the worst. In this bad, small world of ours, one knows so little of the life of the next man, which, after all, is entirely his own concern, that one is not surprised when a crash comes. Anything might turn up one day for anyone. Perhaps the senior subaltern had been trapped in his youth. Men are crippled that way occasionally. We didn't know, we wanted to hear, and the captain's wives were as anxious as we. If he had been trapped, he was to be excused, for the woman from nowhere in the dusty shoes and gray traveling dress was very lovely, with black hair and great eyes full of tears. She was told with a fine figure and her voice had a running sob in it that was pitiful to hear. As soon as the senior subaltern stood up, she threw her arms around his neck and called him, my darling, and said that she could not bear waiting alone in England. And his letters were so short and cold, and she was his to the end of the world and would he forgive her. This did not quite sound like a lady's way of speaking. It was too demonstrative. Things seemed black indeed, and the captain's wives peered under their eyebrows the senior subaltern, and the colonel's face set like the day of judgment, framed in gray bristles. And no one spoke for a while. Next, the colonel said very shortly, "'Wilse,' and the woman sobbed afresh. The senior subaltern was half choked with the arms around his neck, he gasped out. "'It's a dead lie. I never had a wife in my life.' "'Don't swear,' said the colonel. "'Come into the mess. We must set this clear somehow.' Then he sighed to himself, for he believed in his chakras,' did the colonel. We tripped into the ante room under the full lights, and there we saw how beautiful the woman was. She stood up in the middle of us all, sometimes choking with crying, then hard and proud, and then holding out her arms to the senior subaltern. It was like the fourth act of a tragedy. She told us how the senior subaltern had married her when he was home on leave 18 months before. She seemed to know all that we knew and more, too, of his people and his past life. He was white and ashy gray, trying now and again to break into the torrent of her words. And we, noting how lovely she was and what a criminal he looked, esteemed him a beast of the worst kind. We felt sorry for him, though. I shall never forget the indictment of the senior subaltern by his wife, Nor will he. It was so sudden, rushing out of the dark, unannounced into our dull lives. The captain's wife stood back, but their eyes were alight, and you could see that they had already convicted and sentenced the senior subaltern. The colonel seemed five years older. One major was shading his eyes with his hand and watching the woman from underneath it. Another was chewing his mustache and smiling quietly as if he were witnessing a play. Full in the open space in the center, by the wist tables, the senior subaltern's terrier was hunting for fleas. I remember all this as clearly as though a photograph were in my hand. I remember the look of horror on the senior subaltern's face. It was rather like seeing a man hanged, but much more interesting. Finally, the woman wound up by saying that the senior subaltern carried a double FM in tattoo on his left shoulder. We all knew that, and to our innocent minds, it seemed to clinch the matter. But one of the bachelor majors said very politely, I'll presume that your marriage certificate will be more to the purpose. That roused the woman. She stood up and sneered to the senior subaltern for her kerr and abused the major and the colonel and all the rest. Then she wept. Then she pulled a paper from her breast, saying impurely. Take that, and let my husband, my lawfully wedded husband, read it aloud if he dare. There was a hush, and the men looked into each other's eyes as the senior subaltern came forward in a dazed and dizzy way and took the paper. We were wondering, as we stared, whether there was anything against any one of us that might turn up later on. The senior subaltern's throat was dry, but as he ran his eye over the paper, he broke out into a hoarse cackle of relief and said to the woman, you young black god. But the woman had fled through a door and on the paper was written, This is to certify that I, the worm, have paid in full my debts to the senior subaltern, and further, that the senior subaltern is my debtor, by agreement on the 23rd of February, as to the mess attested to the extent of one month's captains' pie in a lawful currency of the Indian Empire. Then a deputation sent off for the worm's quarters and found him, but took him between and laced his stays with the hat, wig, surge, dress, et cetera, on the bed. He came over as he was and the shikari shouted till the gunner's mess sent over to know if they might have a share of the fun. I think we were all, except the colonel and the senior subaltern, a little disappointed that the scandal had come to nothing, but that is human nature. There could be no two words about the worm's acting. It leaned as near to a nasty tragedy as anything this side of a joke can. When most of the subalterns sat upon him with sofa cushions to find out why he had not said that acting was his strong point, he answered very quietly, I don't think you ever asked me, why you used to act at home with my sisters. But no acting with girls could account for the worm's display that night. Personally, I think it was in bad taste, besides being dangerous. There is no sort of use in playing with fire, even for fun. The shikari's made him president of the Regimental Dramatic Club, and when the senior subaltern paid up his debt, which he did at once, the worm sank the money in scenery and dresses. He was a good worm and the shikari's are proud of him. The only drawback is that he has now been Christian's Mrs. Senior Subaltern, and as there are now two Mrs. Senior Subalterns in the station, this is sometimes confusing to strangers. Later on, I will tell you of a case something like this, but with all the jest left out and nothing in it but real trouble. End of His Wetted Wife by Regird Kipling. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. To find out more or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. How To Live To Be 200 by Stephen Lee Cuck. 20 years ago, I knew a man called Jiggins who had the health habit. He used to take a cold plunge every morning. He said it opened his pores. After it, he took a hot sponge. He said it closed the pores. He got so that he could open and shut his pores at will. Jiggins used to stand and breathe at an open window for half an hour before dressing. He said it expanded his lungs. He might, of course, have had it done in a shoe store with a boot stretcher, but after all, it cost him nothing this way in what is half an hour. After he got his undershirt on, Jiggins used to hitch himself up like a dog in harness and do sandow exercises. He did them forwards, backwards, and hindsight up. He could have got a job as a dog anywhere. He spent all his time with this kind of thing. In his spare time at the office, he used to lie on his stomach on the floor and see if he could lift himself up with his knuckles. If he could, then he tried some other way until he found one that he couldn't do. Then he would spend the rest of his lunch hour on his stomach, perfectly happy. In the evenings in his room, he used to lift iron bars, cannonballs, heave dumbbells, and haul himself up to the ceiling with his teeth. You could hear the thumps half a mile. He liked it. He spent half the night slinging himself around his room. He said it made his brain clear. When he got his brain perfectly clear, he went to bed and slept. As soon as he woke, he began clearing it again. Jiggins is dead. He was, of course, a pioneer, but the fact that he dumbbelled himself to death at an early age does not prevent a whole generation of young men from following in his path. They are ridden by the health mania. They make themselves a nuisance. They get up at impossible hours. They go out in silly little suits and run marathon heats before breakfast. They chase around barefoot to get the dew on their feet. They hunt for ozone. They bother about pepsin. They won't eat meat because it has too much nitrogen. They won't eat fruit because it hasn't any. They prefer albumin and starch and nitrogen to huckleberry pie and donuts. They won't drink water out of a tap. They won't eat sardines out of a can. They won't use oysters out of a pail. They won't drink milk out of a glass. They're afraid of alcohol in any shape. Yes, sir, afraid, cowards. And after all their fuss, they presently incur some simple, old-fashioned illness and die like anybody else. Now, people of this sort have no chance to attain any great age. They are on the wrong track. Listen, do you want to live to be really old to enjoy a grand, green, exuberant, boastful old age and to make yourself a nuisance to your whole neighborhood with your reminiscences? Then cut out all this nonsense. Cut it out. Get up in the morning at a sensible hour. The time to get up is when you have to, not before. If your office opens at 11, get up at 10.30. Take your chance on ozone. There isn't any such thing anyway. Or if there is, you can buy a thermos bottle full for five cents and put it on a shelf in your cupboard. If your work begins at seven in the morning, then get up at 10 minutes, too. But don't be liar enough to say that you like it. It isn't exhilarating and you know it. Also, drop all that cold bath business. You never did it when you were a boy. Don't be a fool now. If you must take a bath, you don't really need to. Take it warm. The pleasure of getting out of a cold bed and creeping into a hot bath beats a cold plunge to death. In any case, stop gassing about your tub and your shower as if you were the only man who ever washed. So much for that point. Next, take the question of germs and bacilli. Don't be scared of them. That's all, that's the whole thing. And if you once get onto that, you never need to worry again. If you see a bacilli, walk right up to it and look it in the eye. If one flies into your room, strike at it with your hat or with a towel. Hit it as hard as you can between the neck and the thorax. It will soon get sick of that. But as a matter of fact, a bacilli is perfectly quiet and harmless if you are not afraid of it. Speak to it. Call out to it to lie down. It will understand. I had a bacilli once called phyto that would come and lie at my feet while I was working. I never knew a more affectionate companion and when it was run over by an automobile, I buried it in the garden with genuine sorrow. I admit this is an exaggeration. I don't really remember its name. It may have been Robert. Understand that it is only a fad of modern medicine to say that cholera and typhoid and diphtheria are caused by bacillian germs. Nonsense. Cholera is caused by a frightful pain in the stomach and diphtheria is caused by trying to cure a sore throat. Now take the question of food. Eat what you want. Eat lots of it. Yes, eat too much of it. Eat tea. You can just stagger across the room with it and prop it up against a sofa cushion. Eat everything that you like until you can't eat anymore. The only test is can you pay for it? If you can't pay for it, don't eat it. And listen, don't worry as to whether your food contains starch or albumin or gluten or nitrogen. If you are a dimple enough to want these things, go and buy them and eat all you want of them. Go to a laundry and get a bag of starch and eat your fill of it. Drink it and take a good long drink of glue after it and a spoonful of Portland Cement. That will gluten you good and solid. If you like nitrogen, go and get a drug us to give you a canful of it at the soda counter and let you sip it with a straw. Only don't think that you can mix all these things up with your food. There isn't any nitrogen or phosphorus or albumin and ordinary things to eat. In any decent household, all that sort of stuff is washed out in the kitchen sink before the food is put on the table. I just want to word about fresh air and exercise. Don't bother with either of them. Get your room full of good air, then shut up the windows and keep it. It will keep for years. Anyway, you don't keep using your lungs all the time. Let them rest. As for exercise, if you have to take it, take it and put up with it. But as long as you have the price of a hack and can hire other people to play baseball for you and run races and do gymnastics when you sit in the shade and smoke and watch them, great heavens, what more do you want? How to Live to be 200 by Stephen Leacock. The Interlopers by Sackie, read by Christopher Hart in Cornwall, Ontario on December 28th, 2007. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. In a forest of mixed growth, somewhere on the eastern spurs of the Carpathians, a man stood one winter night watching and listening, as though he waited for some beast of the woods to come within the range of his vision and later of his rifle. But the game for whose presence he kept so keen and outlook was none that figured in the sportsman's calendar as lawful and proper for the chase. Ulrich von Gradwitz patrolled the dark forest in quest of a human enemy. The forest lands of Gradwitz were of wide extent and well-stocked with game. The narrow strip of precipitous woodland that lay in its outskirt was not remarkable for the game at Harvard or the shooting it afforded, but it was the most jealously guarded of all its owner's territorial possessions. A famous lawsuit in the days of his grandfather had rested it from the illegal possession of a neighbouring family of petty landowners. The dispossessed party had never acquiesced in the judgment of the courts, and a long series of poaching of phrase and similar scandals had embittered the relationships between the families for three generations. The neighbour feud had grown into a personal one since Ulrich had come to be ahead of his family. If there was a man in the world whom he detested and wished ill to, it was George Znaim, the inheritor of the quarrel and the tireless game-snatcher and raider of the disputed border forest. The feud might, perhaps, have died down or been compromised if the personal ill-will of the two men had not stood in the way. As boys, they had thirsted for one another's blood, as men, each preyed that misfortune might fall on the other. And this wind-scourge winter night, Ulrich had banded together as foresters to wash the dark forest. Not in quest of forfeited quarry, but to keep a lookout for the prowling thieves whom he suspected of being a foot from across the land boundary. The row-book, which usually kept in the sheltered hollows during storm wind, were running like driven things tonight, and there was a movement and unrest among the creatures that were wont to sleep through the dark hours. Assuredly, there was a disturbing element in the forest, and Ulrich could guess the quarter from whence it came. He strayed away by himself from the watchers whom he had placed an ambush on the crest of the hill and wandered far down the steep slopes amid the wild tangle of undergrowth, peering through the tree trunks and listening through the whistling and skirting of the wind and the restless beating of the branches recite or sound of the marauders. If only on this wild night in this dark, lone spot he might come across George Snayam, man to man, with none to witness. That was the wish that was uppermost in his thoughts. As he stepped around the trunk of a huge beach, he came face to face with the man he sought. The two enemies stood, glaring at one another for a long, silent moment. Each had a rifle in his hand, each had hate in his heart and murder uppermost in his mind. The chance had come to give full play to the passions of a lifetime. But a man who has been brought up under the code of a restraining civilization could not easily nerve himself to shoot down his neighbor in cold blood and without words spoken, except for an offense against his hearth and honor. And before the moment of hesitation had given way to action, a deed of nature's own violence overwhelmed them both. A fierce shriek of the storm had been answered by a splitting crash over their heads, an ear they could leap aside, a mass of falling beech tree had thundered down on them. Ulrich von Gradwitz found himself stretched in the ground, one arm numb beneath him and the other held almost as helplessly in a tight tangle of forked branches, while both legs were pinned beneath the fallen mass. His heavy shooting boots had saved his feet from being crushed to pieces, but if his fractures were not as serious as they might have been, at least it was evident that he could not move from his present position till someone came to release him. The descending twigs had slashed the skin of his face and he had to wink away some drops of blood from his eyelashes before he could take in a general view of the disaster. At his side, so near that under ordinary circumstances, he could almost have touched him, lay George Nam, alive and struggling, but obviously as helplessly pinioned down to himself. All around them lay a thick, strewn wreckage of splintered branches and broken twigs. Relief at being alive and exasperation at his captive plight brought a strange medley of pious thank offerings and sharp curses to Ulrich's lips. George, who was nearly blinded with the blood which trickled across his eyes, stopped his struggling for a moment to listen and then gave a short, snarling laugh. So you're not killed as you ought to be, but you're caught anyway, he cried. Caught fast, ho, what a jest. Ulrich von Gradwitz snared in his stolen forest. There's real justice for you. And he laughed again, mockingly and savagely. I'm caught in my own forest land, retorted Ulrich. When my men come to release us, you will wish, perhaps, that you were in a better plight than caught poaching in a neighbor's land. Shame on you. George was silent for a moment. Then he answered quietly. Are you sure that your men will find much to release? I have been too in the forest tonight, close behind me, and they will be here first into the releasing. When they drag me out from under these damned branches who won't need much clumsiness in their part to roll this massive trunk right over on the top of you, your men will find you dead under a fallen beech tree. For form's sake, I shall send my condolences to your family. It is a useful hint, said Ulrich fiercely. My men had orders to follow in 10 minutes this time, seven of which most have gone by already, and when they get me out, I will remember the hint. Only as you will have met your death poaching on my lands, I don't think I can decently send any message of condolence to your family. Good, Sterling George, good. We fight this quarrel out to the death, you and I and our foresters, with no cursed interlopers to come between us. Death and damnation to you Ulrich von Gradwitz. The same to you, George's name, forest thief, game snatcher. Both men spoke with the bitterness possible defeat before them. For each knew that it might be long before his men would seek him out or find him. It was a bare matter of chance which party would arrive first in the scene. Both had now given up the useless struggle to free themselves from the massive wood that held them down. Ulrich limited his endeavors to an effort to bring his one partially free arm near enough to his outer coat pocket to dry out his wine flask. Even when he had accomplished that operation, it was long before he could manage the unscrewing of the stopper or get any of the liquid down his throat. But what a heaven-sent drought it seemed. It was an open winter and little snow had fallen as yet. Hence the captive suffered less from the cold than might have been the case of the season of the year. Nevertheless, the wine was warming and reviving to the wounded man and he looked across with something like a throb of pity to where his enemy lay, just keeping the groans of pain and wariness from crossing his lips. Could you reach this flask if I threw it over to you, asked Ulrich suddenly? There is good wine in it and one may as well be as comfortable as one can. Let us drink, even if tonight one of us dies. No, I can scarcely see anything. There is so much blood kicked around my eyes, said George. And in any case, I don't drink wine with an enemy. Ulrich was silent for a few minutes and lay listening to the weary screeching of the wind. An idea was slowly forming and growing in his brain, an idea that gained strength every time they'd looked across at the man who was fighting so grimly against pain and exhaustion. In the pain and the languor that Ulrich himself was feeling, the old fierce hatred seemed to be dying down. Neighbor, he said presently, do as you please if your men come first. It was a fair compact. But as for me, I've changed my mind. If my member the first to come, you shall be the first to be helped as though you're my guest. We have quarreled like devils all our lives over this stupid strip of forest, where the trees can't even stand upright in a breath of wind. Lying here tonight thinking, I've come to think we've been rather fools. There are better things in a life than getting the better of a boundary dispute. Neighbor, if you'll help me to bury the old coral eye, I will ask you to be my friend. George Naim was silent for so long that Ulrich thought perhaps he had fainted with the pain of his injuries. Then he spoke slowly and in jerks. How the whole region would stare and gavel if we rode into the market square together. No one living can remember seeing as Naim and Yvonne graduates talking to one another in friendship. And what peace there would be among the forest or folk if we ended our feud tonight. And if we choose to make peace among our people, there is none other to interfere. No interlopers from outside. You would come and keep the Sylvester night beneath my roof, and I would come and feast on some high day at your castle. I would never fire a shot in your land, save when you invited me as a guest, and you should come and shoot with me down in the marshes where the wild fowl are. In all the countryside, there are none that could hinder if we willed to make peace. I never thought to have wanted to other than hate you all my life, but I think I have changed my mind about things too this last half hour. And you offered me your wine flask. Ulrich von Gradwitz, I will be your friend. For a space both men were silent. Turning over in their minds the wonderful changes that this dramatic reconciliation would bring about. In the cold, gloomy forest, with the wind tearing in fitful gusts through the naked branches and whistling round the tree trunks, they lay and waited for the help that would now bring release and succor to both parties. And each prayed a private prayer that his men might be the first to arrive so that he might be the first to show honorable attention to the enemy that had become a friend. Presently, as the wind dropped for a moment, Ulrich broke silence. Let's shout for help, he said. In this lull our voices may carry a little way. They won't carry far through the trees and undergrowth, said George, but we can try. Together then. The two raised their voices in a prolonged hunting call. Together again, said Ulrich a few minutes later after listening in vain for an answering hello. I heard something that time, I think, said Ulrich. I heard nothing but the pestilential wind, said George Horsley. There was silence again for some minutes and then Ulrich gave a joyful cry. I could see figures coming through the wood. They were following the way I came down the hillside. Both men raised their voices in as loud a shout as they could muster. They hear us, they've stopped. Now they see us. They're running down the hill towards us, cried Ulrich. How many of them are there, asked George. I can't see distinctly, said Ulrich, nine or 10. Then they are yours, said George. I had only seven out with me. They're making all the speed they can, brave lads, said Ulrich gladly. Are they your men, asked George? Are they your men, he repeated impatiently as Ulrich did not answer. No, said Ulrich, with a laugh. The idiotic, chattering laugh of men unstrung with hideous fear. Who are they, asked George quickly, straining his eyes to see what the other would gladly not have seen. Wolves.