 Lux presents Hollywood. The paper brother's company, the makers of Lux Toilets Hope bring you the Lux Radio Theatre starring Bob Hope and Lucille Ball in Fancy Pants. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. William Keelish. On Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen, one of man's greatest gifts is that of laughter, particularly the talent for making other people laugh. Tonight, as our stars, we are fortunate enough to have two clowns. First, the unpredictable, Mr. Robert Hope. And second, and by far the prettier of the two, Miss Lucille Ball. We will present this extraordinary team and their paramount picture riot, Fancy Pants. Now Fancy Pants was adapted from the novel Ruggles of Red Gap by Harry Leon Wilson and is a perfect vehicle for the talents of our versatile comedian, Bob Hope, and glamorous comedian, Lucille Ball. You know, I think the glamorous comedian is here to stay. No longer do our feminine comics wear frumpy clothes and funny make-ups. They're chic, well-groomed, and just like our Lux girls, they guard their beauty with Lux Toilets Hope, which they know assures them the very best in complexion care. Now Fancy Pants, starring Bob Hope as Humphrey and Lucille Ball as Aggie. It's England, 1905. And out in the countryside, a third-rate group of actors has just concluded another dismal performance. We're backstage now and the cast is on its usual topic of discussion, that brilliant actor Humphrey the Butler. I don't know where he came from. I don't understand anymore. Either that blundering monster Humphrey leaves the show or I leave it. Oh, my dear women, now don't blame me. I'm only the stage manager. Oh, what's the use? We're not even making expenses. I suggest we all leave the cast and go home. Oh, Humphrey'll never go home. I know he won't. It's an American plot, I tell you, to ruin the entire British theater. A little applause, please. I'm about to make my entrance. Idiot! Thank you, thank you. That'll do, please. That's enough remarks. There's no more room between my shoulder blades. You know, with a little concentration, I may become another Gromyko. American idiot. Fiend. Yeah, clearly. I'm making you catch a barrel of this. I'm making you a little blade. Now, if you're all keep quiet for just a moment, I've got some news for you. It so happens that the young Earl of Brinstead was in the audience tonight. In this case, not only that, but the Earl of Brinstead has a proposition to offer you. Now, he's waiting in the office. Come along, all of you. Cast, I presume. Now, let me warn you, Earl. We're the finest actors in the British Empire and we're going to be real tough to deal with. Now, what's your proposition? Well... We'll take it. Ladies and gentlemen, I recently have become acquainted with a rather intriguing young lady from America. Now, her mother is a nouveau rich, determined at all costs so I have invited Miss Plowed and her mother to my country estate for the weekend to meet my family. Rather rare, say what, since I have neither estate nor family. However, my friend Lord Twombly has lent me his home and you, dear people of the theatre, shall enact the role of my family. On one condition, Milord. Humphrey stays here. Quiet, Ava. Milord. Milord, there are members of this cast who are jealous of my sterling portrayals. I have played ballets and gentlemen's gentlemen from Chicago to Liverpool and the critics all say the same thing about my performance. Yeah, but she said, oh, it's nothing about it. I'll say it with the front of the wall. Yeah, but how can they print that in the newspapers? Well, it's a pretty good fee and she's spoiling all that broth. Nothing. What does he say? Oh, he said there'd be plenty to eat and drink a good fee and she's spoiling it all. He talks like that ever since he got hold of a loaded crumpet. Well, those are my terms. Oh, give Humphrey another chance. After all, he is human. Well, practically. Oh, very well then. But keep him away from me. Don't wear your hair up, honey. It's the grouse shooting season. Well, it's all settled then. Yes, and we're off to the country and I hope you have an elevator so the upstairs maid can have a fair share of me. I'll send carriages for you the first thing in the morning. It'll be a lark for all of you and for me, who knows? A rich wife, Miss Agatha Flood. I've got a curtsy. How many times did I tell you? Oh, Mom. Good afternoon. Your wrap, Mum? I'll say. Boredom St. Louis. Solid ermine. Oh, I'm the butler. Thank you, I think so myself. His lordship awaits in the garden if the two mums will just follow me. Maggie, what class? Wish we had something like that back home. Oh, Ma, somebody'd shoot him before we got him near the house. The Lord direct from America presenting Mrs. Flood and Miss Flood. Oh, so good to see you. Thank you, sir, and now here are your guests. Hi, Earl. Oh, Miss Agatha, Mrs. Flood, my family. This is my mother, Lady Brinstead. Flattered to meet you, Lady Brinstead. Sure. Do it, Maggie. Charm. My cousin Rosalind, Duchess of Dover. Charm. How do you do? Maggie. OK, Ma, OK. Howdy, Duchess. His lordship, the 13th Duke of Brinstead, my father. Imagine having to grab our seats. Don't let me be done. Just kissing your hand, Miss Agatha. You think there was gravy on it? Must forgive for Hubble's enthusiasm. Told him all about you, sir. You hear that, Aggie? The Earl told his paw all about you. Somebody ought to tell his mother all about his father. Our guests find us relaxing here at Brinstead Manor. Amen, ma'am. Yes, indeed I do. Oh, beg pardon, my lord. Yes, I'm afraid. Your monocle is smudged. You've been breathing through your eyeballs again. There you are. Anything else, my lord? Mustache wax, a touch of hair oil, perhaps a whiff of stoppet. Oh. Thank you. It's more service than the hired man gives us in a month back in Big Squaw. Yeah, come on, let's get out of here. Shut up. You know, Earl, this is the first time I ever saw a real English butler. I saw one once in a play. You did? Yeah, I was in Cheyenne. Cheyenne, that was September 192. And we threw tomatoes at him. Pelded him with ripe tomatoes. When I walked off the stage the manager was Red Skelton. Shelly, good sport, I wager. And now, shall I brew tea, my lady? Which kind should it be? What's the difference? Well, I can give you orange pico with a dash of lemon or lemon pico with a dash of orange. Then there's weak tea, or if you prefer extremely strong tea, keeps trying to batter its way out of the bag. I don't know if it's easy to see referring to caution-turning semi-weathers with Chinese potatoes springed from the circulation. What do you say? Oh, he just said, the rather fancy English tea reward crush rocks and wrinkle in the weather. While Chinese imputation has little to do with this world. Mum. Your tea, mum. May I slush it about for you, mum? Please do. Tea time, tea time, jelly cup of tea time. Ah, a tea for you, mum. Of course. Careful, Humphrey. Watch that tray, my good man. Oh, but my lady, you know I have all the... The skin all over me. There's quite a natural combination, mum. Tea and lemon. Oh, you stupid blundering oaf. I told you his performance. Meter, meter, please. Well, just look at me. And what's this? Oh, it's just a slice of pumpernickel, mum. Dry out like new. It just needs pumping out, that's all. Mum, sir, you bore. How did you ever get to be such an idiot? Oh, just early to bed, early to rise. That's the answer, mum. Well, don't stand there. I'm drenched. Do something. Yes, mum. I'll fetch you some fresh tea, mum. Over here, Humphrey. I want to chew the fat. So soon after tea, mum? Shh. What do they pay you around here, Humphrey? Six quid, three bob, tuppence, hape, knee, a fortnet, mum. How much is that? I don't know. I'm still trying to find out what a fortnet is. Well, how about a nice fat raise, Humphrey? Are you trying to lure me from the service of his lordship, mum? Exactly. Impassible. My family's always battled the binsteads. My father, my father's father, my father's father's father's father. I could even go father. Oh, now listen, son. Hangin' around here ain't gettin' ya nothin'. Here, here's my card. Drop in at my hotel and we'll work out a deal. Double your salary. Don't tempt me, mum. Money brings out the cat in me. And my cat is ready to get out. Well, meanwhile, just see that you keep out of the billiard room. The billiard room? Well, I've been barred from the billiard room for life, mum, for cheating. I won 50 pounds shooting pool with the Earl before he found out the terrible thing I'd done. The terrible thing you'd done? What was it? Oh, I can't tell you, mum. What was it? He soaked his pool cue in Jurgen's lotion. He'd never have found out that someone started a play song of India and had crawled into a basket. Well, Aggie's in there with his lord. And he's alone. Who knows, Humphrey? Maybe he's gonna propose. Gad, mum. I trust the luscious Miss Flaude knows what she's doing, mum. Maybe she don't, but I do. Just imagine. An Earl for a son-in-law. Hey, what are you doin'? Humphrey, no! Leave him be. If you'll just give me your hand. Okay, here. Thank you. You placed the hand on the billiard cue... vastly. Do you follow me? May I tell you something, dear Aggie? May I tell you that I brought you in here just... just to be alone with you. Why? Because you're the most exciting girl I've ever met. If only I knew the right words. If only I knew what to do. May I be of service, my lord? Shedding, my lady? Well, don't mind if I do. Shedding, my lord? No, nothing for me. Thank you, Humphrey. Scotch and soda, my lord? Nothing at all, thank you. You may run along now. Scotch and water, my lord? No, nothing. Thank you. Soda and water, my lord? Nothing. Water over water? Scotch over ice, my lord? No, nothing, Humphrey. Scotch over Scotch? Scotch over bourbon? That would be all, Humphrey. Thank you. Care to play musical glasses? It's a jelly-well crazy, my lord. No, nothing. Draw the blinds, my lord. Draw your bath. Draw your picture. Look, Humphrey, draw whatever you like. But somewhere else. Somewhere else. Yes, my lord. Or shall I talk to mum's cue, my lord? Why don't we just give up until he winds down? You heard his earl, ship. Hit the breeze and stop talking. Well, if mum feels that way about it, mum's the word, mum. I'm terribly sorry, anchor there. Now, as I was saying, oh, my darling, if you only... I'm now seeing Sir Wimbley, Mrs. Floud, Lady Margaret, Lady Rosalind and Sir Hummelord. Oh, for heaven's sake. Lady Margaret, mum, may I serve the punch bowl? You may. Serve the punch bowl, Humphrey. Fine, mum, as soon as I return from the laundromat in the corner. I can't think of any place else to put the goldfish. By the time you finish the punch, there'll be suds washed and rinsed three times. Hey, Maggie, any news? Oh, lay off on me, will you, ma? Well, you may not want his earl, ship, but I sure got a hankering for Humphrey. Ma, I'll tell you, Maggie, that Humphrey would make a real gentleman out of your paw. Take that home with us to Big Squaw. Well, why not? You got bats in your belfry. I don't care. I'm going to get that Humphrey for your paw somehow. If Lady Margaret did only fire him. Oh, paw, just feed him to the pigs. Get over there and shoot your pool. I've got to think. How am I going to do it? How? A little refreshment, mum, Bavarian punch? Bavarian punch. A whiskey stirred with a Bavarian. No, I don't want any. Well, spiked, mum. A little punch, mum. Why, thank you, Humphrey. Make you fit as a tiddly and ready to wink. I'm going to be a good boy. Thank you so much. It's a single drop on me. I'll... Oh, but, mum, I was bumped just as I was bending over to serve you, mum. Someone cued me. Oh! Get out! Stop beating around the bush. Get out! Get out! I know, get out. I know, I know. Humphrey, double the salary, remember? For shame, mum, stabbing me in the back. You know how ticklish I am through there. Who stabbed you? I just gave you a little push with a billiard cue. Well, you're working for us now? Oh, big squaw. You said it. We leave next week. Big squaw. I'll pack me bags, mum. Well, don't say it that way. What's the matter with big squaw? Oh, nothing, mum. It's just that I hate the idea of a clown that's named after Crosby. I got him, Aggie. I got him. Humphrey's coming home with us. Ah, maw. In a few moments, we'll present act two of Fancy Pants. Now, here's Libby Collins, our Hollywood reporter, with the lucked movie news of the week. We're off to Mexico this week, John, to a gay, romantic Mexico setting for the Howard Hughes presentation, His Kind of Woman. That's the RKO picture starring Robert Mitchum as a gambler who goes straight and is forced to shoot it out with a tough gangster. And Jane Russell turns in some high comedy as an ex-band vocalist masquerading in high society. But she turns straight, too, and ends up in Mitchum's arms as his kind of woman. I hear Jane Russell wears absolutely dazzling costumes. But then Jane's a dazzler herself. She's a luxe girl, John. With a truly luxe-lovely complexion. Yes, indeed. Jane Russell always depends on luxe-soap care for her complexion. She tells me she adores the big new bath-size luxe. It makes her daily beauty bath so luxurious. So many screen stars say that, Libby. In fact, bath-size luxe is a favorite all over Hollywood and everywhere. The creamy lather is so abundant, even in hardest water. And I love the way it leaves my skin so fresh. Luxe-lovely all over. Yes, luxe-soaps, active lather makes you sure of daintiness, sure of charm. It has a delicate flower like fragrance that really cleans, really lasts. Tomorrow, get this satin-smooth bath-cake that leaves skin luxe-lovely all over. Nine out of ten screen stars use fragrant white luxe-toilet soap. Now our producer, Mr. William Keely. Act two of Fancy Pants starring Bob Hope as Humphrey and Lucille Ball as Aggie. Three weeks later, and our hero, Humphrey, his acting career blighted, has arrived at the Floude mansion in Big Squire, territory of New Mexico. Mrs. Floude is showing Humphrey around the house, while Aggie and her father... Oh, I sure missed you, daughter, I sure did. Say, how come you're all sunning it up on Tuesday? Oh, it's ma, Pa. She's taking the finery like a hog takes to slop. Yeah, sometimes I wish I never found all them gold mines, Aggie, and gots a dog gone rich. And now that we got a button... Oh, Aggie, I'm in a pecker trouble. And it's all his'n's fault, Humphrey's. Well, he is kind of lame, Brandon. First, your ma wrote me that some Earl was making goo-goo eyes at you. Then she sends me a telegram that she's bringing home a gentleman's gentleman. So, naturally, I figured it's the same fella. Huh? Say that again, Pa. Aggie, I've told everybody in Big Squire that you and Ma was bringing home our Earl. You told everybody? Oh! And now the whole town's fixing to welcome him proper. Gosh, when Ma finds out, what'll I do? You won't have to do, Pa. You're gonna be dead. Hey, no wonder Cart Bellnap was so mad. Cart Bellnap? Yeah, I saw him down at the depot. Couldn't figure out what was eatin' him. Peace by peace. Toughest ombre in Big Squire and Cart's mighty sweet on you, Aggie. There goes your problem, Pa. Cart thinks there's somethin' between me and Humphrey, huh? Well, suppose I let him keep on thinkin' about it. Cart had cut out his liver and bile his gizzard in his own sauce, and after that he... Jigga's Pa, here they come. Ma on him. Well, there he is, Humphrey. That bears Mr. Flaude. Howdy. Howdy, sir. Now, let's get one thing straight, Humphrey. I take care of myself, see? Oh, that's quite obvious, sir. In the house, I always go around with my shirt sleeves. Anything wrong with that? Oh, no, sir, nothing at all, sir, but wouldn't it be better if you wore a shirt with him? Just a suggestion, of course. Don't let me rush you into anything. Humphrey, I want you to meet our hired help. Get in here, boys. This here's Walham, our Indian foreman, and this is Wong, our Chinese cook. Boys, meet Humphrey. Howdy-do. Howdy-do. Right now, let's do Mr. Flaude. Humphrey, your first doorbell. Go on, see who it is. Thank you. Your grace? What, who, me? Howdy, ma'er. So good to see you all, my dears. Come on in. Oh, Effie, you're so lucky. Congratulations, Mrs. Flaude. Humphrey, aren't you elegant? She calls him Humphrey, his first name, right to his face. Oh, this certainly makes you the queen of Big Squire Society, Effie. Me, queen? Silly, isn't it? Oh, your lordship, your tie. Let me fix it. I'll double your salary, double everything. Only don't let him know you're just the butler. Oh, well, in that case, it's Humphrey, Earl of Brinstead, and on behalf of my hostess, allow me to welcome you all to Flaude Manor. Oh, your lordship, it's two minutes past your tea time. How can you endure it? Sheer grit. Hey, shall we tea off then? Please, please, if you lined up an alphabetical order, you may breathe down my neck one at a time. He's so rippy, Effie. Oh, this is a fun group, isn't it? This way, your lordship. And don't forget the crumpets. What is crumpets? That's a bagel with a thyroid condition. How do the American women compare with your English women? Oh, I think your American women are much prettier. I think your American women are even prettier than our horses. Curtsy to Humphrey, the Earl. Yeah, ma. I'd say no carnation in your buttonhole. Oh, I can't wear them, you know. It turns my medals green. Carnation ladies, here, you may shed it. Oh, Earl, please tell us about your medals. Here, some experience I could write up in the paper. Nothing doing, folks. His Earl's ship's kind of pooped. Oh, no, not at all. Not at all. Now, let me see. Oh, yeah, I think it was my first year of service in Africa. I was a mere lieutenant at the time. Well, those native chaps were becoming very nasty. It meant to wipe us out, you know. They were only waiting for the end of the monsoon. Monsoon. That's French for Mr. Yeah. Thank you. Well, Colonel Chathagill drew me aside. It's three against a thousand, he muttered. We had to have reinforcements. No man could get through. The Earl was just a boy at the time. No, I was 13 as I remember. Well, Colonel Chathagill, old spit and polish, we called him lovingly because he was always spitting and he was Polish. Well, sir, three against a thousand. Oh, how horrible. Stimulating, though. Then Colonel Chathagill told us the worst of it. Stiff upper lip, he muttered, starching his mustache. You'll have to face it, chaps. There was no more tea. They'd cut off our Lipton's. Oh, they'd pay dearly for this. We'd sell our lives at a fearful price. But how to stop them? How to get out of it? How? Oh. There was no more time. They were storming the fort now. Three against a thousand, mind you. Oh, you're wonderful. Yes, then I was with a spear through my supple young body. Isn't it hurt? Only when I left. Well, I drew my cutlass and started to hew my way through them. Oh, well, if you, dear peasants, will excuse me. I was taking a nap before tiffing. But your Lordship, what happened? How did it end? Oh, the encounter. Well, we finally put them to route. But we all agreed that they were three of the toughest rascals we'd ever fought. Cheerio! Gad, what a performance. There, in a saloon, it's a revolt. Ah, but Effie, one does not disturb an earl this early. And the earl is feeling very earl-ish this morning. Humphrey, in the weekly newspaper you may be an earl. And in front of my friends you may be an earl. But every payday you're Humphrey the Buckler. And your God is poor and eggy. Oh, but Mrs. Floud, I simply... Humphrey? Yes, mum, mum on my way, mum. Yellow dog saloon, mum. Can anybody get in, mum, or just yellow dogs? Oh, cut that out! Gone, she sent fancy pants, that is, the earl, down here to get us. Only mean time? In the only mean time, I send word for Card-Bell-Nap to come over. So hang around, boys. Figure we might see something real. Aggy, look, Luke who's walking in. Fancy pants! I want you to meet our new boarder, the earl of Brinstead, Earl Saloo. No, no, don't get up, you'll mess up the sawdust. Begging your pardon, young mum, but the maiders requested that you both return at once to the manor. What's wrong with our manors here? Oh, come on, Humphrey, sit down. Hey, Aggy, how about singing that song again for his earl shift? Sure, Pa, why not? Hey, Sam, get over at the piano. Okay, Aggy. It's for you, Humphrey. Jolly decent of you, mum. Give it to him, daughter! See you, gal, you skitter, hey! Bye, Joe, what a moment that was. In all India, I'd never come across a more ferocious beast. There it stood in the pitch-black night. It's a men's size, completely dwarfing the elephant I was riding. Oh, yeah. How could you tell how big it was in the dark? I want you to meet my boyfriend, Carl Belknath. Shay Kans with his earl shift. Who's there, stranger? Oh, well, any friend of Miss Agathas is a friend of... What's the matter, stranger? Get up off the floor. Oh, that's fine. Western hospitality. You do that again and I'll report you to Spade Cooley. Well, Jolly meeting you, sir, but I fear it's crumpet time. I must be jogging along. Stay where you are. Yeah, you are. I was? Oh, I was. Yes, yes, yes. Well, its white coat stood out. The largest polar bear I've ever seen. Must have been at least... Polar bears don't belong in India. Yeah, that's what I kept telling him. Well, he kept coming toward me. I kept retreating, step by step. What happened to the big elephant you were riding? I had to go to Washington to get ready for 52. I was armed except for a spear that a friendly native had left lodged in my chest. Yeah, but it only hurt when you laughed. I drew the spear staggered back weak from the loss of blood and I... Well, it's crumpet time. I better be jogging. You know what I would have done to that big old bear? I had twisted his neck. Like this! Oh, oh. And I'd have got him by the ears and I'd have yanked him off. Like this! I wish you'd have been there. It would have been very... And I'd have got me a couple of handfuls of fur like this. And I'd have pulled them off. Pa, maybe we better stop Karp. Oh, he's just getting warmed up, daughter. And you know what I would have done next? Don't tell me. Let me guess. All right, go ahead and guess. Well, I guess you'd have taken your trustee revolver. Well... And hit him over the head like this. Chitty old chaps, I must whiz. Did you see what he did? Yeah, to Karp Bell. It's true, Effie. It's true. President Teddy Roosevelt, he's making a tour through the western territory so I sent him a telegram about the earl and he wired right back that he'd be delighted to come here. Land of Gusion, President Roosevelt. Of course, he can stay right here in the house with you, can't he, Effie? Here in my house? Oh, me? Well, I gotta start organizing my committee. Goodbye, Effie. Mike Eggie, where are you? Pa, what is it? President Teddy Roosevelt's coming here to see Humphrey. Huh? I'd have swore she said the president was coming here to see Humphrey. That's what I did say. Effie, girl, you've been hitting the apple jack. Oh, what's he want to see Humphrey for? Because he thinks Humphrey's a earl. Where is he? Where's Humphrey? Who, Humphrey? I said, where is he? You better tell her, Aggie. Well, the last time I saw him, Mike, he was sort of heading out of town. Out of town? But he'll get lost in the desert. Well, all of a sudden he got kind of lonesome for London. Oh, you two, I might have known you'd do something like that. Now, Mike, we can't... You won't go on after him, and don't you come back here without him. Now, get, get! I'm lost, lost in this endless desert. Water, water. Anything that'll save my life. Water, a package of Chesterfields. Mad, I tell you, mad. The sand, the heat. I'm too young to die. Too young, too handsome. Water, water! It's a mirage, I tell you, a mirage. Who asked you to come chasing after me? I want to get out of this country. Well, I don't exactly blame you, Humphrey. Me and Pa were awful ugly, and Cart Bellnap... Cart Bellnap. Only a coward would hit a coward. Oh, he just snapped his tweak, that's all. You see, Cart wants to marry me, and... I guess he got the silly idea that you and me were sweet on each other. Can you imagine? Preposterous. You're not even my type, Mum. You know, it took a lot of nerve, Belton Cart Bellnap, over the head. That's why I figured you might have nerve enough to meet President Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah, well, I've got just as much nerve as... Who? Well, everybody thinks you're a real earl, so Teddy Roosevelt's coming to Big Squad just to meet you. Ha-ha! Well, you're gonna look pretty silly. And you're Ma and Pa are gonna be looking silly. And this whole silly little town's gonna look silly. You'll have to change the name to Big Silly. It might be worse if you stay. Imagine you trying to fool a president. Say, presidents can be fooled. They vote for themselves, don't they? Besides, I made you think I was a butler. Well, that's easy. You are. Look, I've been waiting a long time to take some bows for my performance. I'm no earl. I'm no butler. I'm not even Humphrey. Huh? My name is Arthur Tyler, and I'm an actor. Afra-Agrin-Sag. And paid up. Actor? Oh, gosh. Well, why did you pretend to be a butler? Because I was stranded in England, flat broke. Gee, a real actor. Playing an English earl for President Roosevelt, with me and Ma and Pa to applaud. Yeah, and I'd be the star. That's a step up. And an audience of three. That's a step up. Besides, there's a lot of innocent people down in town dependent on you, Humphrey. I mean, Arthur. Innocent. How about Clark Belknap? Would you tell him we don't mean anything to each other so he'd stop trying to put my head in his trophy room? Well, sure. I'll tell him that we don't mean a thing to each other. Well, there's my horse, Humphrey. Let's get back to town. Ah, yes, the horse. I hope you don't mind riding double. Double, Mum? Wouldn't think of it. There we go. Y'all set, Mum? Perfectly comfortable, Mum? Oh, sure. Let's go. Later on, if your feet start hurting, maybe you can ride the horse. Thanks a lot, Humphrey. Not at all. Not at all. Gee, President Roosevelt. A command performance. We accept the role, Mum, but for a one night stand only. Then I must go on tour. What a ham boy. Wait till my agent hears about this. Yes, Mr. President? As Humphrey earl, but instead I can assure you, sir. Oh, but of course, Mr. President, of course. In just a few moments, we'll return with act three of Fancy Vance. And now for my guest tonight, I have a young lady who's a charter member of Paramount's Golden Circle, Miss Joan Taylor. The circle means, Joan, that Paramount has high hopes she'll become a star. Well, I'm hoping, Mr. Keely, and working like mad. But you already get your name in lights. You know, every time a picture you're in plays in Lake Forest, Illinois. Confidentially, that's because my father owns the theater. And your mother danced in Boatville? Yes, she was a headliner. She started me on dancing lessons early. Well, Joan, dancing started many a screen beauty on her career. Look at Jane Wyman and Alexis Smith, who are playing opposite Bing Crosby and Francho Tone in Paramount Pictures' wonderful new comedy, Here Comes the Groome. I watched it being made, Mr. Keely. What fun. What tangled romances. Being in love with Jane, Jane engaged to Francho. And Alexis, the glamour girl whose competition brings Jane back to Bing. Yes, if you'd like to laugh, don't miss Here Comes the Groome. And when you see lovely Jane Wyman and Alexis Smith, notice the smooth beauty of their complexions. Both Jane and Alexis know how easy it is to be luxe-lovely, Mr. Kennedy. And I agree with him. Luxe soap facials really work wonders for my skin. You have a lovely complexion, Joan. And as you know, here's all there is to a luxe-active lather facial. Clean the rich lather well into your skin, rinse thoroughly with warm water, then cold, and gently pat dry with a towel. It's the active lather that does the trick. Leave skin softer and smoother. So discover how easy it is to be luxe-lovely. Get a supply of Hollywood's own beauty soap tomorrow. Nine out of ten screen stars use fragrant white luxe toilet soap. We pause now for station identification. This is the CBS Radio Network. The curtain rises on Act Three of Fancy Bands, starring Bob Hope as Humphrey and Lucille Ball as Aggie. This is there in the history of Big Swar is at hand. In a couple of hours, President Teddy Roosevelt is arriving to pay his respects to the Earl of Princeton. And now, at the flout kitchen, excited preparations are underway. Yes, it's home cooking for the president. Oh, woe is me, what goes with me? I hate this livin' I've chose for me. Tired of me eatin' misery. Oh, should have never roamed and left at home cookin'. Home cookin'. Life is cruel, I was a fool to roll. I went abroad and how I hauled them English critters they never thought. When the dukes is yes, milord. Partner, you can hear me. The porch lights screen door banner from Niagara Falls. Green grass lawnmower, home sweet home up on the wall. Home cookin'. Home cookin'. A quiet life is quite a life for me. Yes, give me that home cookin'. Thank you, Margaret. Guess just the way it's embroidered on my shorts. Practicing a royal sneer all morning I'll soon be getting fan mail from Basil Rathbone. Oh, what a season. Yes, sir. That's a trouble with these surprise visits, Mr. President. Oh, here, here now. What's the issue, chaps? Oh, well, you see President Roosevelt's coming and everyone is simply... Oh, pleased to meet you. Any president of pause is a president of mine. How'd you do? Delighted. And this gentleman is Mr. Bennett. Secret service, you know. Ah, yes, of course. And down here is our hostess, Mrs. Effie Flowers. I'm sorry I dropped in so unexpected with Mrs. Flowers but I listened to so many speeches of welcome I was hoping to avoid the one at your depot. Aggie, you take the president in the parlor till we get things fixed up in the kitchen. Personally, I'd like to go in the kitchen with you. You mean it? It's a steak sauce that is very popular in Washington. You do? Extraordinary. Back to the kitchen, everybody. Delighted. Bully for you. And to think I almost voted for Brian. I say this is a ginger group, isn't it? Steak sauce. Now, who wants a taste? Gee, sure looks good, don't it? I still think it needs a little more cooking, Sherry. Paul. Well, perhaps another dash of Sherry. What do you have? No nonsense, Your Honor. You keep your nose out of the president's recipe. Oh, go on it, Effie. There was plenty of Sherry in your cookin' of whore we got married. Why, Mike Flout, are you insinuating that? Gee, ma, I viewed you stronger, Sherry. I bet I'd be two years older. Vacation. Do you want him to think he's back with Congress? Now, tell me, what is the attitude of England regarding the Mediterranean situation? Oh, yes. Well, frankly, there are two schools of thought, pro and con. Well, of course. But just how do you feel about it, pro and con? Well, the pro people seem to be for it, and the con group are definitely a guess. Definitely, sir. But you're brilliant, sir. Just what's the same do you take? Oh, me? Well, yeah. Well, I'm pro. Pro? How can you endorse a situation like that? Oh, what I mean is I'm pro-con. I'm for those who are against it, you see. But he wasn't even on it. He didn't even eat. Jumpin' Jehoshaphat. President Roosevelt. He's here, folks. He's here. Mr. President, as mayor of Big Score, permit me to welcome you to our fair city. And in honor of this... Oh, bravo. Excellent speech, Mr. Mayor. Brief but meaty. Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Thank you all. But I've got a whole lot more to say. That's all right. You can mail it in later, Mayor. Thank you. See, you know everything's free. I want you to try some of the venison, Mr. President. Aggie here, shot at herself. Well, if you, ma'am, live only I had time, I'd do some hunting. Oh, what we ought to have is a fox hunt. Oh, yes, they're fun, especially if the fox is riding a fast horse. Over hill and dale, yikes and away, all that sort of tittle. Blasted shame you have to be pushing off, Mr. President. After all, I do have a schedule. Bad show. Disappointing to the hounds, you know. My dad, we won't disappoint the Brinstead. Oh, Bennett. Yes, sir. We're staying over. See you about the train. Yes, Mr. President. And you, Brinstead, you shall lead the hunt. Me? Tomorrow morning. Oh, but I will spend the whole day on horseback. The whole day on horseback? I may find a new place to put my doctor's show's footpaths. By the night it is, Humphrey. You and me are staying here in the corral until you learn to ride a horse. Now, this is tougher on me than it is on you. Yeah, but not in the same place. Let's face it, Aggie. I can't even ride a jackass. Even after all those road pictures we made together. That goes with, here comes the groom, does it? Now, I can stay on a horse. I can stay on a horse when he walks, I think, but I can't go out there riding in any fox hunt. Playing in a row was easy, but all I ever hunted was a job. Well, I ain't asking you to ride just for big score or for paw or maw. It's for me, Humphrey. Me? I mean you? The first time I saw you, I said to myself, here's a dirty, low-down, lily-livered coyote. Then, as I got to know you better, I figured you for a filthy, sneaking rat. Yeah, I grow on people like that. But then again, you remind me of a little old chipmunk I had when I was a kid. Only thing I ever loved. Same look in the eye as you got. I'll never forget how he looked at me just before he went west. California? Dead. Small poisoning, huh? Clark Belknap shot him. Hey, did you ever tell Clark Belknap that we didn't mean a thing to each other? Well, not yet, Humphrey, but I was fixin' to. Well, don't. Huh? Well, I don't like my women to be lyin'. You mean you aren't runnin' out on us? Nothing's gonna stop me now, maybe not even a horse. Oh, Humphrey, would you kiss me? Nobody'll see. It's dark out here. Gee, that was swell. Yeah. He's a very affectionate horse, now it's my turn. This fox on bully! Well, may not be exactly like England, Mr. President, but the fox will never know the difference. Oh, here comes Brinstead. Tally-ho, pip-pip, everyone. Top of the morning, Your Excellency. Thank you, Brinstead. Splendid day for the... Brinstead. Why, you're limping. Yeah, whatcha doin' with that cane? Oh, this. Well, I couldn't find a crutch. I looked all over it. Crutch? Good heavens, man. What just happened, you know? About to leap on my horse when my old leg injury hit me again. Just like that. Old leg injury? Yes, I got a playing rugby at Oxford. I kicked a rug too hard. Kept me off the crew, you know. I was a four-letter man. Yeah, and I can spell it. Can't have the hunt without you. Guess we'll have to call it off. Oh, nothing of the sort. Tradition. How do I be all right? Oh, fellow. Womp him, old boy. Just bring my beast over here and have her lie down. I shall get aboard somehow. Brinstead, you can't possibly ride. Oh, I'll suffer through prayers. Nothing stops the Brinstead. Excelsior! Your family motto? No, somebody fax some. I'll put it in my pants. Residents' orders. Oh, well, I guess I'm out-voted then. Rum lucky. Better take my horse along, though. This could give her an inferiority complex. She wouldn't be able to hold up her tail among the other horses. Well, buzz off without me, you lucky people. Now that you all have fun, I'll just sit here till you and the pain go away. Well, folks, I guess we're all ready then. Yeah, you might as well start us off, you earlship. Get on your mark. I mean, trump the trumpets. Must have a date with another fox. Unbound! I shall be in my room. Be a good fellow in the buzz of you when you hear them returning. Hey, all of a sudden, you walk pretty good. Here's a buck, buck. How do I walk now? Be bad. Be bad. Remind me to autograph a feather for you. Your lordship? Belnap. I've been waiting for you. Mark Belnap. Sorry about your bum leg, your lordship. You do ride, don't you? Ride, my dear fellow, I was born in the saddle. Mama, I got a bad break with the traffic lights. That's very funny. Now let's see you laugh your way out of this one, Mr. Tyler. Tyler? Who's Tyler? You are. I've been looking around your room and I found this. Put down that scrapbook. You're wrinkling the lace. Put it down. You heard me. Put down that scrapbook. Put it down, I say. Why should I put it down? So you can help me pick up my teeth. Shut up. Full of newspaper clippings, ain't it? Like this, for instance. Arthur Tyler, an American and an actor, but not a very good one. Well, I was a British critic and they didn't like American actors, then. That was before the loan. But look at here. Says Arthur Tyler. Gives a standout performance. Only that ain't all it says. He stands out as probably the worst performer, whoever. Oh, you would make sure, Tyler, huh? Of course not. I'm Humphrey, Earl of Brinstead, Pippet, Talion, all that sort of there, though. Then what's his scrapbook doing under your pillow? Well, I like to sleep with my head high. You know, the president and the whole town is gonna be real upset when they find out how you and them flouts try to make fools out of him. Oh, but Mr. Belmab, surely you're not gonna tell him about it? I mean, not so much for me, but for the flouts. They're such nice people. Especially Aggie? Yeah, yeah, that's right. I wouldn't miss this for a million bucks. Well, cheerio, Mr. Tyler. I'll put a real good finish in your scrapbook for you. I've got a funeral notice. You can't do it. You're not going out of this room with that scrapbook. Oh, no? No! So long, Humphrey. I'll unlock the door as soon as they get back from their fox hunt. Card Belmab knows you're just an actor? Yeah, he found my scrapbook. Where is he? Where'd he go? Well, Card just left. You know, the president's gotta catch that train. They're all down the depot now, waiting for you. Yeah, then what are we doing here? No. No, I can't go down there. Belmab's got my scrapbook. He's gonna tell everybody that I'm... Not if we get there first, he won't, and I know a shortcut. He'll beat me up again. He'll tear me to pieces. Who cares as long as the president is gone by then? Yeah, who cares? What are you, a salesman for the Blue Cross Plan? Oh, my leg. Oh, my old injury. My war wounds. Humphrey, this is Aggie. Yeah, that's right. Gee, you're pretty. Come on, Humphrey. We're going down the depot. Good of you to see me off. But what happened to you? Well, I was determined to reach the train before you left, sir, but I fell down twice for every time I got up. Bad leg, you know, sir. It starts with my hip and goes all the way to the floor. You shouldn't have attempted it. The condition you're in. No, you should see the condition I'll be in. Oh, but don't worry about me. Splendid hut I hear. I wish I'd been there. Perhaps we'll hunt together sometime when you come across the big pond. Delighted, Vincent. Bully of you. Bully. I have put on a little weight. All right, Miss Bennett. You can start the train. Yes, sir. Start the train. No. What are you talking about, Belmab? Well, he's just a cheap little actor. What's this? The most humiliating thing I have... Well, I shall return immediately to England. He's a fake. In this book, I gotta prove it. Give me that book. Come back here. Stop it, somebody. Stop it. Shalom, Aggie. Shalom. Shalom, Aggie. Lost in this endless desert. Water. Water, I'm going mad. I tell you. Mad. Aggie, no. No, they'll follow your tracks. You lead them to me. I want to die alone, alone and healthy in this frightful desert. Free, the president's gone. And as for Card Belmab, well, I told everybody the truth. When they like somebody in these parts, they don't care if he's a butler or a horse thief, or even if he's an actor. They want you to come back, Humphrey. So do I. Gee, Aggie, if you'll be Lady Brinstead, I mean, if you'll be Mrs. Humphrey Higgins. No, I mean, if Mrs. Arthur Tyler, you'll make me the three happiest men in the world. Free, darling. Of course I'll marry you. Oh, it'll be wonderful, Aggie. We'll settle down, and after the first year, we'll hear the patter of little feet. Yes, and after the second year, we'll hear the patter of more little feet. Yeah, and Aggie, about the third year. Yes. The third year, let's have a baby. I'm tired of feet. Just a few moments, we want you to meet our stars in person. And Mr. Keely will tell you all about next week's show. But now, here's Libby Collins with a big piece of news for you. You mean, John, with a big question for everyone? A question? Yes. Who is the lovely Lux girl? Or perhaps I should put it this way. Can you identify the portrait of the Lux lovely Hollywood star whose eyes are masked out? Her pictures appearing in newspapers all over the country. On posters, in grocery stores, everywhere. Oh, she's the mystery star in the Big Lux Girl contest. And it is a big contest. $60,000 worth of prizes. Why, the first prize is $5,000 cash, plus a Ford Victoria sedan. And there are hundreds of other prizes. And Ford custom VA two-door sedans. $214 carat gold, diamond, bull of a watches. $10,000 in additional cash prizes. Over 1,200 opportunities to win. And it's such fun to enter. Because first, you look at the picture of the lovely Lux girl. You'll see it at your grocery store. And right on the poster is a clue to help you. She's the star of Metro Golden Mayors too young to kiss. That makes it easy for everyone to identify her. Now comes more fun in your entry. You complete the last line of a jingle. And here's the jingle. June is her name. The last is da-da-da. That's where you fill in the star's name. I'll repeat it. June is her name. The last is da-da-da. Her lovely skins beyond comparison. Her beauty soaps the one for me. You write a last line to rhyme with me. There are lots of things you know to write about Lux soap to help you write that last line of the jingle. For instance, Lux is Hollywood's own beauty soap. It has active lather that leaves skin softer, smoother. And Lux soap's delicate perfume cleans leaves skin sweet and fresh. Nine out of ten screen stars are Lux girls. So go ahead. Enter this big who is this lovely Lux girl contest right away. Get the entry blank at your grocers tomorrow. It gives you all the rules, the jingle, and the address. Send in as many entries as you wish. But with each entry attach two Lux toilet soap wrappers either regular or bath size. Remember, there's $60,000 in prizes waiting for winning last lines. Yours may be worth $5,000 cash and afford Victoria's sedan. Now here's Mr. Keely with our stars. And here they are for a curtain call. Bob Hope and Lucille Boyce. I want to thank you doubly for making us forget our troubles for an hour. Always nothing at all, Bill. Always glad to do a benefit. But it wasn't a benefit. This is the Lux Radio Theatre. Well, it was a benefit for me. After all, how much Lux soap can I eat? But Bob, they pay me money and then I buy my own Lux soap. It's cheaper that way. How do you like it? Crosby told me he saved the wrappers and sent Gary to college. Why, Bob, you don't need any more money with all those successful pictures you make for Paramount. Yeah, what's the title of your new picture, Bob? The one you made with Hedy Lamar? That's the picture Bob's fans are writing him about. His fans? You mean his relatives? Hold it, Lucille. Yes, they write in, but it's different from your Lux girl contest, Bill. Anyone anywhere in the world has a chance to have the world premiere of the favorite spy right in their own living room. And guess who'll be their guest for dinner? I knew you'd try for a free meal somewhere along the line. Seriously, Bob, that sounds like a wonderful idea. I'd like to enter myself. I'd rather enter the Lux girl contest than my favorite complexion care. Well, if you want to enter this contest, you write me to Bob Hope contest Hollywood 38 and tell me why you think the world premiere should be held in your home. The person who gives the best reasons will find me in the picture parked in their living room with all the trimmings of a big Hollywood premiere and a few publicity men. That'll make three of me all told because naturally with my personality I play a dual role in the picture. Can you imagine seeing a movie with two Bob Hopes in it? How about Lux Radio Theatre next week, Bill? Well, it'll be another Paramount picture with a very famous title. One of the top dramatic successes of last season. Sunset Boulevard. And from the original cast we have the two stars. Glamorous, Gloria Swanson and that talented actor, William Holden. Co-starting with them will be one of Paramount's golden circles by her Nancy Gates. A terrific combination and a terrific picture, Bill. Good night. Good night. You are both great. Have you ever been embarrassed by a stocking run just when you wanted to look your best? Then take a tip from Hollywood screen stars. Wash your nylons the Lux way. You'll cut needless runs in half. The Lux way makes nylons last twice as long. Fit better, too. Strain tests prove it. No other soap, no suds of any kind can make stockings last longer. Over 90% of the makers of stockings recommend Lux. New Lux with color freshener and stocking colors clearer, too. Get a big box tomorrow. Keep Lux in the bathroom for everything you wash by hand. Give all your washables that nice is new Lux look. The maker of Lux toilet soap join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday evening when the next radio theater presents Gloria Swanson, William Holden and Nancy Gates in Sunset Boulevard. This is William Kealy saying good night to you from Hollywood. This is the CBS Radio Network. Thank you.