 Bismillah. Assalamu alaikum everybody. My name is Aaron aka Harun Sellers. I say aka because literally my the name on my birth certificate, the name that my mother gave me is Aaron and I became Muslim and accepted Islam, converted to Islam. Here you want to say that in 1994 and it's just that every Muslim I've met since then when I asked me what my name is, as soon as I say Aaron they just automatically say oh Harun. So they just automatically translate my name and Hamdolud's it's a name it's a name of a prophet and so I have no problem Aaron or Harun no problem. I was born in Washington DC and from there moved to Maryland and then Virginia and then from Virginia moved to the amazing California Bay Area I think in the summer of 2000 specifically to serve at what was then called Zaytuna Institute and I literally just came to initially to help Sheikh Hamd al-Yusuf to switch or make the transition from audio tapes selling audio tapes to get into the digital age and get the material in a higher quality format of CD and Hamdolud he said why don't you just stay and so I stayed and I'm still here and Hamdolud I'm very thankful to be a longest-serving person at what has now become Zaytuna College Hamdolud at the top of the mountain in Berkeley California. So it's really an honor and pleasure to be here in the Bay Area. I'm happy also to be a father happily married for over 20 years I don't want to mess up the date and hope my wife's not watching and I'm happy married Hamdolud, father of all girls that's what I made duof for I asked the law right after I got married I said oh please give me all girls and Hamdolud I have all girls I'm the oldest of five so I have three younger brothers and a sister so I helped raise my brothers and that experience I think is what led to me praying for all girls. So Hamdolud what I do at Zaytuna College is I'm an audio visual manager and recording and preserving lectures and producing promotional videos, photography which you can find on Zaytuna College YouTube channel, Facebook page, live stream page and so forth. My model was to capture and share light but as we'll get into one of the there one of my intentions and moving here as a family I was not just to serve but to also be benefited so not only to bring benefit but to be benefited but what I saw was a growing community of knowledge and so I really felt that not only could I bring a particular benefit to the community in terms of my audio visual experience but I really felt there was a dynamic growing hungry community of knowledge and a particular way of teaching that knowledge that was very attractive to me as a convert especially being that the founder himself, Shigamza was a convert and Hamdolud so that was really the impetus for us moving out here was to benefit myself and my family and try to bring a benefit and it's really an honor to be up here speaking with you in this capacity today. Assalamu alaikum my name is Azmat Z. Shanmokhtar I was born in Karachi and before the age of four I came to the United States to New York I lived in New York went to the public schools there and then around fifth grade came to the Bay Area so I was here in the Bay Area and lived in different cities in the Bay Area but then I moved to Saudi Arabia during my sophomore year in high school, lived there for a couple years and then moved to a Karachi, moved to Pakistan, lived with my grandparents away from my parents who were still in Saudi Arabia and lived with my grandparents for a year and went to Karachi American School so I was on three different continents for high school and three different years so it was pretty interesting experience some good some bad living in a Muslim country at that time. My parents prayed and taught me the religion but I kind of went out on my own so early that I feel like I grew up once I came back to the United States I came to UC Santa Cruz it's pretty isolated down south the mountains in the beach and I didn't have any Muslim Sahaba so I grew up and went to college without family without any support on a continent all my own without any Muslim Sahaba and you know your environment affects you so I grew up long for a long time I lived pretty much my life without really much Dean so I can speak to the reason why I'm on the panel I believe is because I have that experience of sort of feeling lost and trying to find myself and then going and transitioning into deciding to marry a Muslim woman sitting right here on my left and then how are we going to approach you know learning the Dean and raising children so I have three boys who live in the Bay Area here some of them are here so maybe we're going to share some stuff they're going to hear for the first time and so I wanted to be asked to be on the panel to try to understand or help parents navigate what their children want to because I feel that the stuff that I went through I think I can understand so hopefully this will be beneficial to Salamu alaykum everybody my name is Hina Khan Muhtar and wife of Zeeshan Muhtar like he said we have three sons I used to be a high school and middle school English teacher and I was also a very honored and blessed to be one of the founders of the homeschooling cooperative in Lafayette California known as Ilmtree which all three of our sons attended we homeschooled them cooperatively with other families up until eighth grade and then they all did different things after eighth grade which I guess we can go into later on about educational journeys for children if we get into that topic I do I write for seekers guidance and I've written a column called written for a column called raising our Oma which is for the Muslim observer they have different columnists who write about different topics of parenting they wanted a South Asian an Arab an African-American and a convert and so I was a South Asian writer for that panel for a little over a year so I have articles on parenting that are out there on the internet that people are welcome to read if they're interested and I just wanted to add a little side story so Brother Haroon it's interesting because in the late 90s I purchased a video cassette called pathways to Islam pathways to Islam and it was one of the first video cassettes we had and in it there we yeah VHS were you guys in college then was it they were it was like yes it was these three college students sitting at at a table talking to an MSA about how they came to Islam and I remember this one young man really standing out on the panel and talking about he said one day I look forward to having a Muslim wife and having Muslim children and lining them up behind me and leading them in prayer I shall and and who knew I shall and then years later when I met him I was like oh my gosh it's that celebrity I watched in the VHS but my shot it's just to me that's just the proof of intentionality and you never know when your duas are going to be answered and that was a wish he had and a less upon a dollar more than granted it my shallow love the just to give you kind of an outline of how this is going to go so as we mentioned we we gathered questions and survey responses online which we will inshallah address those at the second part of the panel so that's we're going to kind of split things in half and give you guys a little bit of a break to get a stretch and some water in between but this first half what we're going to do is actually address some questions that the panelists have or that we've received and that we're we're gonna you know I'll go through each question and allow the panelists whoever feels they want to jump in and address that particular question and then we'll go from there so again please send us your questions because the more the better we'll really have a really fruitful conversation if we generate you know if we get more questions from you so okay so inshallah Bismillah what that said I'm gonna go ahead and read a question that we received and again I'm gonna turn to the panelists and allow each of you to just take it if you feel it's something that you want to speak about okay this one out so the first question is my parents expect me to get straight A's and to get into a top tier university but then they expect me to do all of my prayers on time and also go to the mosque for Jama'a how do I get them to realize that they that they can't have it all something has to be given given up there's there isn't time for everything right now in my life so any of the panelists want to take this question yeah okay so mashallah one of the things that is on a lot of parents plates is to set their children up for success and it's a big responsibility and it's a big weight and it's a big source of stress for many parents and what one of those responsibilities is helping their children be successful not only in the dunya but in the Akhira as well inshallah so parents who have been successful in teaching their children will teach their children the about time management skills and also about what is due to their Lord right that everything isn't just about succeeding in the dunya so it can definitely feel like it's very very overwhelming but you can't have success in the dunya without actually turning to Allah and asking for his help and that's something that parents realize and are trying to communicate with their kids and sometimes maybe the communication skills can be lacking and it feels like there isn't empathy or there isn't sympathy and they're not getting what kind of pressure that children are under and so it's going to be important to sit down with your parents and let them know that these are the things that are stressing me out help me figure out a way that I can manage my time so that I can be successful in the things that are important to both of us and inshallah pleasing our Lord and fulfilling his rights is also one of those things that are important so one of the things that I saw work really well with a friend of mine is when her kids were in college and they were applying to universities she made it really clear to her kids that they had six different areas of their life lives that they couldn't be neglecting and that all six areas needed to have something filling those if you want to call them time slots so she when I when she laid it out for me I was a few years behind her and when my kids came of age I had the same discussion with them and I have found it to be really really helpful so the six areas we talked about focusing on was that your body has a right over you so physical health making sure that you're working out you're getting exercise you're getting sunshine you know you're going out playing sports or having having fresh air right and that you're not just in your room studying all the time you're not just sitting at a computer the entire time so physical your body has rights over you the second was that something education related so regarding your education so you have to be going for tutoring or you have to be taking your classes or going to college or whatever it is that's being fulfilled by taking going to classes taking care of your education the third is career so figuring out what you want to do and doing something in that direction whether it's an internship or if you want to have pocket money getting some kind of job even if it's babysitting something where you're doing something out there where it's not just your parents taking care of you 24 seven that you're out there also you know having some responsibility so there is physical there is educational there is your career the fourth was something for the community so just making sure that you're out there whether it's going to Juma for us it was going to Tali on Sundays so just meeting with the community making sure that you have some kind of bond with other Muslims some I know in her family her son decided to tutor students in underprivileged areas so that was his way of giving back to the community so that's I've covered for now so the fifth was religious so making sure that you are praying or you're you've got some odor some kind of vicar that you're doing and the sixth was family time for the family so even if it meant only having dinner once once a week if that's all you could do is sit with your family and have dinner once a week or Sunday morning brunch making sure that that was fulfilled so they laid it out as a chart and then their kids had to figure out how they were going to fill every single one of those slots and we did that in our family as well because there was a time where I noticed like with one of my sons all those slots were being filled but exercise was being neglected and so it was like no no we got to figure this out like how are you going to be going out and making sure that you're taking care of your health as well or with one of the other kids everything was being fulfilled but family time was being neglected we never saw him at the dinner table because he was always running in different directions and sometimes one thing could take care of two of those things so like one of my sons teaches Quran in the community so for him that was his religious thing because it gave him a chance to review his Quran but it was also his giving back to the community but making sure every one of those slots is filled otherwise you're gonna have an imbalanced life and then inshallah tofiq comes right with praying to Allah for that for success inshallah may Allah make it easy thank you so much much Allah for that comprehensive response sure of course let me pass this down well that was a great list time that like I said this is a this is not a top-down type of form that's not the intention just like I said in terms of my reasons for even coming to the community it is to my my goal here is to bring benefit but also to be benefited by the things I hear so thank you very much for that system and for that list because I'm the total opposite I'm like the head in the clouds artsy kind of father kind of person and that trickles over into how I parent but one of the things I try to consistently do or an essential ingredient in my parenting style is to always really try to be aware of what's the bottom line and everything because honestly just hearing the list when I heard that question I was like you know if you think about it like even as parents we're still struggling with that same okay how do we work full-time and be a full-time father full-time husband you know and also get all my prayers in on time also participate in community events I mean like this one even being here today like I'm so thankful for all of you for taking time out of your Saturday to be here I'm not worried about the numbers of people here but just you know the people who did show up I really appreciate it and also for the panelists you know for to take time out of your schedules to be here and participate in something community I myself tend to be a caveman you know when I'm off work I just want to be in the house all day all night and so I really appreciate that sister Hossai brought me out and forced me out of the cave today because I'm doing I do work I'm surrounded by my you know by Muslims just by the nature working as a tuna college we also have a lot of events so I tend to in my off days just want to be by myself or again just locked into the cave but it's important so I just want to acknowledge that modern life in and of itself is very challenging especially as you know saying this as a convert you know coming from a lifestyle well yes I was Christian before this and we had our beliefs and our do's and don'ts but we didn't have a structure such as the five daily prayers I mean that changed everything for me trying to like literally like on Monday I wasn't Muslim Tuesday I was so I come to work Tuesday as a Muslim and have to tell my manager hey I'm gonna have to step out back in the storage room or in the hallway back back here to do these prayers is gonna take maybe a couple minutes and how do I explain now is like well so-and-so he always takes a smoke break like to smoke a cigarette and that takes a minute mom just gonna pray you know so he got it right away like okay yeah go do your thing so it's challenging that was very challenging to figure out how to do this five times a day within its time so I just wanted to acknowledge that it's not just our our kids who have this struggle we should acknowledge that we also have a struggle with this and one of my parenting principles is to make religion a group effort make the practice of the religion a group effort yes you know I appreciate that that God has given us a sense of order and kind of a chain of command in terms of who's a leader of the house and who's the minister of the interior and so forth and I appreciate that my family is aware that we respect that but in terms of our practice of the faith I said this has to be a group effort I don't want your Islam to just be dependent on what you see myself and your mother do I thought that would be a tragedy you know and again one of my purposes was moving was to also expose my my young my young daughters to other women and also other men who practice Islam and they also bring their different unique flavors but we're kind of all in this together because I felt that there's too much weight to just put all the Islam just on my shoulder just what dad thinks and just what mom thinks and she has her baggage and background in particulars and so do I but when you come in community and you especially have a community that that's around not just one teacher but several you know and not just male teachers female teachers of knowledge it's it's a it's a tremendous gift to be able to benefit from these different perspectives from these different flavors but all of it still rooted in loving Allah trying to love Allah and grow that love and trying to fall in love with the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him so I tried it to keep things really grounded and also be very open with my children about my spiritual struggles because sometimes I think that's what creates part of the distance is when they feel like all dad and mom is just trying to ask us to do all this and that and it's like well what about dad and mom do they have struggles are they going through anything and that's something we try to be really open with you know in my in my family and my daughter Miriam is here and I'm glad you know she chose to be here today and so she is what I call the fact-checker and the audience you know for anything I say that's not truly representative of the reality is on the ground she can call me out on that but also that you know she can participate as well as each of you but I just wanted to to bring that out that it's you know I try to make it a group effort and that it's challenging for parents and kids and that's one of the reasons that we're all here thank you all right so we'll go on to the next question there's quite a few and again please I'm gonna keep reminding you so you don't forget to turn in any additional questions you have so another question that we have that we've received and again I'll leave it up to the panelists who want to address it to answer this one is a hot one that I've heard quite a lot as well and it's regarding smartphones and social media I'm sure a lot of the teens and the parents here here or watching will agree that this is probably a big topic of debate and contention in the household so the question is how have you or how do you and your children navigate how can we navigate the slippery slopes of smartphones devices and just social media in general so I do have some comments but I'm gonna allow that the panelists to speak on this first so anybody want to jump on this well smartphones and social media this is a big one so I'm sure everybody in this room has a smartphone and how many people in some platform or another are engaged in social media anybody besides myself so what's the dominant app or platform that you're on Facebook Instagram what's that anybody else what about the gentleman here what's kind of the dominant LinkedIn YouTube okay Facebook Instagram what's that so what's that but thing is a big one I'm actually new to that I was really trying to be the last hold out on Planet Earth who was not on what's that but 2019 was the year that I gave in and I can't remember was for some type of assignment as they always started so for project and now I have what's that but for myself it's mostly Instagram Facebook and especially for Zaytuna College I'm on all of those platforms as well now one thing I'll say upfront and this even has to do with is related to one of my book recommendations which is the disappearance of childhood by Neil Postman I highly encourage every family to have that book and to read it as a family or at least one person in the family read it and share what they learned from it the disappearance of childhood by Neil Postman it's kind of a difficult read it's a very thin book but the language is very dense the concepts are very dense so it's not an easy read but it's one read that really was influential on me as a human being and especially as a parent just by the title the disappearance of childhood and it's like what do you mean by we still have children in the world right so what does it mean by the disappearance of childhood and technology has to do a lot with that disappearance and one of the things that he articulates in that book is the he gives the analogy of the parents door the door to the parents room and what that represented you know for him you know growing up as a child in the period of time that he grew up and it made me think of what that represented for me that the door to the parents room represented privacy right if the door to your parents room is open you kind of know you as a kid you kind of maybe have a general permission to kind of wander in or peek in or something but if the door to your parents home is closed do you feel like you can just barge in yourself if your parents door is like closed do you feel like you can just barge in anytime yes or no honestly kind of yeah what about you know are you sure because he said it quick he was like no like something bad will happen if I do that what about you growing up the parents door you're kind of represent privacy or was like swinging door you can just walk in and out privacy what about you in the green Levi shirt this brother right here yes growing up did your parents door did that represent privacy or all access privacy sister side privacy or all access any door close okay good point any door closes privacy so same here that as a kid growing up if the door was closed like you definitely had to knock and even coming up to knock I had to I felt like a sense of like as I got closer like like my heart you know would be but he mentions the analogy of the door in the book that he said what the parents door represented in terms of that barrier between the life of the child and the that stage of development as a child and where you are as a parent that door because of all access technology has been removed so now even though your parents door could be closed because of the nature especially of a technology such as the internet and then especially since the internet that you can have a pocket-sized device that can give you access to that portal now the door the parents door doesn't mean anything in terms of what that would prevent in terms of there's intimacy that takes place privately now you can see anything all forms of human interaction on something that's in your pocket so he said the door to the parents room has been removed even if it's closed number two one of the challenges that we have is the new technologies are happening at a rate faster than which we have the capacity to analyze its effects for good or for bad so we're just technology is happening to us at a rate faster than which we have the capacity to analyze its effects that's why always hearing about things are coming out oh later you found oh now this is causing cancer well now this is causing this and now this is causing this and that's what we're dealing with here so my bottle and I'm sorry to start to be long but it's it's a big big issue and really part of my answer is the jury is still out on this thing we can talk about some of the effects and challenges that we have but it's still affecting us in ways we don't even realize and so one of the ways that we've chosen navigators is we didn't start our kids out on smart phones if you will because we wanted them to be smart first before we just dumped smart phones so we had just normal dial flip phones you know they didn't have to have the latest and greatest so we started them out on that and you shouldn't feel pressured okay we have to start my kids out on the latest iPhone or the latest technology just because that's what you're using as a parent or excuse this also in terms of apps and things like that you have to navigate that with them whatever they're signed up in ask them about it if they're asking to sign up find out what this app is about what does it do and why do you want to join Instagram why do you want to join Facebook why do you want to join what's app instead of everything it's just you just assume it's fine and innocent and then you can end up with a disaster literally a disaster so at least of nothing else I just want to encourage parents and children to like take a inquisitive role with this and just because your parents are asking you why doesn't mean they just want to invade your privacy but you should be yourself have good reasons why I'm trying to get into such and such we'll explore a little bit deeper what I will call like the big picture things that should influence questions we should ask ourselves before I think social media is really something that we can't escape and it's pretty much all around us and kids are engaging with it to a certain extent so it's good really to be prepared and to help guide our kids through it so like Siviharun said we also in our family did not our sons did not have smartphones in high school which you know they it was an agreement on understanding that we had and one of my son said that in high school people used to be amazed by his flip phone because they didn't even know those existed anymore they would take pictures of his flip phone but when they graduated from high school they got an iPhone that was like our graduation gift to them so it wasn't something forever they knew that eventually it was coming but through the high school years they didn't have a smartphone my youngest isn't in high school now and he still doesn't have a smartphone he has an old smartphone that is at home on which he can what's up with relatives with the cousins but it doesn't have Wi-Fi access when he leaves the home once but our sons did get smartphones and they were on social media we had a discussion about it and one of the understandings we had in the beginning and this is not the case anymore my older two are in college they're independent we trust them to know the difference between right and wrong inshallah but in the beginning when they first started out on social media the understanding was that because we were paying for their phones and it was because we were paying for it that they had access to this technology that they had to agree to friend their mother on social media and also to to respect my husband isn't that much on social media I was on it more but the understanding I had with my sons and they agreed to it before they decided they were going to take on social media I we told them you can choose one at the time and they both decided to go for Instagram over Facebook and they agreed that if there was something that I didn't approve of of what they were posting or what they were clicking like on that they would respect their their mother's opinion on that topic so and then helping them figure it out because like when you're first getting on social media especially with young men you know clicking like on a girl's selfie they may think they're just being nice that okay somebody posted a selfie so I'm just going to click like but then we would talk about the deeper layer discussion behind that that well what does it mean to click like on a girl's self-portrait right like would you be staring at a girl's face in real life and going you know I like the way you look or would you look away and have modesty and is it appropriate and also if any of their friends were posting about Haran things like friends from high school if they're posting about getting drunk or if people are posting pictures of themselves dressed really inappropriately is that something you want to be taking in on a daily basis that becomes your soba that becomes your companionship so having discussions about it at a spiritual level and getting them to think about how these things affect them but like I said my youngest is not on social media my older two do have Instagram and Snapchat and we are not now monitoring how they use it it's they're they're independent but in the beginning when they first started like right after they graduated from high school yeah there was oversight on our part so we you know this we're taking along on this topic because I think it's a very charged topic we had specific rules that my wife and I promised to monitor one is that we don't use the computer or the internet related devices in our own rooms with the door closed so I sit in the lounge we have a lounge and family room public spaces our younger son always does homework and his one does homework in the lounge one does work in the dining room so we're always in in open spaces and we model that behavior the other thing is we see that you know there's middle school kids want to aspire to high school kids high school kids want to aspire to college kids and this is the this is where kids can get into trouble that our our job as parents is to understand where they're at and what they can navigate navigate successfully so we've talked to our children and decided you know know we know them very well they know themselves hopefully we're getting them to know themselves is to understand what they can navigate successfully and where their yeses and those are and then working with them to build for them to build trust with us and for us to trust them and then there's consequences of that trust is broken so you know it's it's working together with the children I believe for us it was 16 was the age for Sean now I think social pressures it's like I've heard of nine year olds at work who's who who give their children smartphones that's that's so young to be on social media and they're building social media platforms to addict smaller children they have Facebook for kids and Nickelodeon for kids I don't know what's going on but this is just going to take them away from what they need to do to be successful and be addicted so it is an unpopular thing that parents have to do but we do have to do it but you have to work with your children and model good behavior I agree with everything that's been said and I just wanted to add a few more tidbits and then we'll move on from this topic as far as from the children's perspective I think one of the things that we as parents have to understand is just saying no without really explaining what your but you know restrictions isn't going to be effective children we sometimes underestimate them and they're under their ability to comprehend and obviously you have to speak at their level so young children you don't need to sit there and tell them about all the dangers necessarily of technology but rather you know make it clear to them that these devices will actually hurt them in terms of their you know cognition in terms of their eyes in terms of their brain function children can understand that the same way candy for example can hurt their teeth right when we tell them don't eat too many sugary things you'll get cavities being on devices whether it's social media or television screens in general literally hurt them and you can even see it from them I mean give your child you know an opportunity to watch a young child a toddler anything for more than 20 30 minutes they themselves kind of come out a little you know they're affected by it but point that out to them so that they can themselves see you're not just being restrictive you know for no reason you're actually doing your job as a parent to protect them from things that they don't understand and as they get older at different phases and this is why it's so important to understand child development and how children communicate differently at different stages before the age of seven they're in a land of total you know just fantasy and and and creativity and imagination and they don't really understand you know abstract thoughts so speaking to them gently and being you know firm I mean I like you know Zeeshan said there are parents who capitulate to the whining of a toddler and go okay fine you can have it for two three hours you know go watch your videos because they think that the child is so sad and I need to you know make them happy when in fact I mean this is you know yes you might be emotionally giving them something that they want but you're not making you know it's not a good thing to do that and you as a parent should feel confident that when you say no you're not harming the child you're not scarring the child the relationship between you and the child is not going to be fractured permanently yes they might throw tantrum yes they might be upset but that's okay because they don't understand at that age that when you put those restrictions out there it's for their benefit they just like anything with anything that you take away from a child it's nefs right it's natural response for a child to whine for it but just you know we wouldn't allow them to do for example to operate a vehicle when they're young because we know how harmful that is and we would never be like okay sure go take the car for a spin because you're whining for it we have the presence of mind to know how dangerous that is in my opinion and I say this without any you know hesitation social media is far more dangerous and these devices than a vehicle than an operator than a motor vehicle in terms of our children's safety I really truly believe that it is a very very dangerous so you have to just kind of know at different stages how to talk to your children and how to appropriately explain to them your reasonings as they get older have them watch certain things so that they understand for example with my children I very early on explain to them the word addiction like what does the word addiction mean and that all of us have created this week and that if we don't learn how to self-regulate like stop ourselves then we can fall into behavior that we can't control and that can come in different forms and you can explain and then letting them know that this is one way that these devices they're made to literally addict us so that once they understand the concept of addiction and then you put some boundaries around certain things they'll understand this is just generally good advice it's not specific to me and this thing but it's actually you know just again makes sense I don't want to harm myself first of all I don't want to be addicted to anything and then as they get older and it's age appropriate again now you can start having really serious conversations and let them know that listen your brain for example the adolescent teen years it's really important for children for parents to know this which is why I applauded the panelists for knowing this that before a certain age you know there's three stages of adolescence before the late adolescence stage children's prefrontal cortex is not fully developed this is what controls their impulse it gives them impulse control so when you give a child something that they themselves don't have the mechanism to self-regulate with you are putting them in a position to self-harm and that's what we do when we don't realize that you know these giving access to these things to children before they're ready they are going to be affected by that negatively so just to you know kind of end this I did a presentation yesterday on you know coming of age and just the different stages stages of adolescence the late adolescence phase is between 18 to 21 so this is for teens this is when really they fully fully develop and become you know adults in every sense of that word but what are the benefits or what what happens what are the milestones of this stage firmer identity ability to delay gratification ability to think ideas through ability to express feelings and words more develop sense of humor stable interests greater emotional stability ability to make independent decisions ability to compromise case self-reliance greater concern for others so again you're when you finally make that decision and as Hanna said I agree 100% we cannot escape these things let's be real be practical this is the world that our kids are inheriting they need to be able to be a part of this world but we as their parents have the responsibility and it's we will be asked about this to make sure we don't put them in a position where they're going to harm themselves so delay these as much as possible and I'm gonna my children are 10 and 7 years old I haven't yet and that's why I'm so grateful for the panelists because they've actually lived this I am speaking as someone who talks to teens who talks to parents and in my own way yes with my kids because of their age I have already implemented everything I'm saying in terms of having those open conversations and making sure that they understand why the restrictions are there but I very much plan to delay any type of social media and internet connection as long as possible and I'm grateful for the opportunity that I'm with my children and I educate my children at home I know for a lot of parents it's not necessarily easy because schools now require so much interaction online but we still have the choice as parents to make sure that we don't give them access to things like I said before their brains can do exactly what we want them to do which is to self-regulate right when their brains have developed those skills as much as the examples that were shared they themselves have an inshallah the internal mechanism to realize you know what I don't need to be on this for 45 minutes straight I can put it away or you know what my prayers are coming in I better you know stop because before I really get distracted by this that all of that comes with age and with you know the again this this it's a spiritual process but it's also very much physically physical development so let's be smart as parents and know these things about our children before we say it's okay they're whining for it all the other kids are doing it that's the kind of rhetoric that gets us sold on to being to giving them things and capitulating to their whinies not realizing we're actually causing a lot more problems for them because God forbid God forbid will lucky and I've heard horror stories I know my fellow panelists have well horror stories of parents freaking out about things that their kids young kids have been exposed to on one of my iPads for example I have I've removed the the browser completely no browser no YouTube if they want to watch anything it comes through the only you know the apps that I know that are safe we have to be able to think like this think outside the box remove certain things why do they need a internet browser when they're four or five years old because it just takes one accidental hit on that one accidental letter sometimes you don't even need to write a whole word sometimes it's just a couple of letters and I'll tell you once upon a lot and this is just my own personal experience and when I really got hit with with the fear of God this is the it's just such a scary time that we're living in I was doing a search for an Aya the Aya and the Quran I can't remember the reference now but you know to hold on to the rope of Allah I did a search for this and I was trying to look for an image that would go with this Aya by doing a search for an Aya of the Quran the rope of Allah and I don't recommend anybody to do this but I actually did this and I did an image search and as I was searching all the below there was a pornographic image in the search results of an Aya of the Quran do you see because the people behind these systems and the way that the algorithms work they're made there it's intentional they want you they want our children to get something where it's like you know they just click on it and next thing you know Pandora's box and it's over they want that so they're going to find ways to make sure that words that you type in connect to things that have nothing to do with anything that you're looking for because that's that's their intention the more addicts they have the more the pockets their pockets are filled be smart and know that that these are the dangers and what we're up against yes just a couple of quick short comments inshallah so one of my sons was here actually at MCC and one of the uncles in the community approached him and he said I just recently became a parent and I tell me something that your parents did with you guys that you think was really really beneficial and my son was like I don't know I'm just a kid go ask my parents they're the ones again he's like no no no I want to hear from the kids perspective honestly just tell me the truth what do you think was one of the most beneficial things that your parents did for you while you were growing up and this uncle told me the the young dad told me that my son told him that honestly it was not allowing us to have internet enabled devices in the privacy of our bedrooms so that was probably the most beneficial thing that they did because I've actually personally witnessed what's going on with some of the people in my generation the addictions and the problems that they're suffering that their parents don't even know about so I thought you know it's interesting because at the time it might be painful and it might it's not fun and you might be the bad guy but inshallah inshallah one day your kids will thank you and hopefully you know they're gonna have all other issues they're gonna be dealing with their own children but they're gonna see that you sometimes have to go against the grain of what everybody else is doing the other quick comment I comment I wanted to make was I wrote an article called how to protect your children from the P word I think I think that was the name of the article the editors chose the title so I sometimes have a hard time remembering titles of my own articles but how to protect your children from the P word and it's about pornography addiction and at the time when I wrote it I wrote it when my kids were still pretty little so a lot of the focus of the article was about prevention it was a lot of about you guys need to be aware about what's out there you guys need to be worried you need to protect your kids and the analogy I used in the article is that you have to treat the internet like a loaded weapon that the way you would treat a loaded weapon in your home is the way you treat the internet and you keep it under lock and key you don't leave kids alone with it you know where it is at all times anyway it made it onto a reddit thread and I once I was looking through the comments that people were leaving about the article and somebody left a comment saying this lady who wrote this article sounds like she's the worst parent in the world and what is she planning to do follow her kids to college and that kind of like took me aback and I you know there's a lot that we can learn even from our critics and I thought about why was that the reaction that this person had to the article and then there was a whole debate between the commenters and based on that person's criticism and what I realized was that that article so much of the focus was about prevention that it didn't at that time the focus because my kids weren't older wasn't really about how to navigate it once you are around it so those of you parents who are here whose kids are teens it's I think the time of like making sure they're not using the internet or don't have privacy with it is pretty much over it's really until age maybe 14 that you can you can even do that the Hadith of Hazrat Aliyah the Allah and who is just perfect where he said to play with your children for the first seven years teach your children for the second seven years seven to 14 right and then be their friend for the third seven years so 14 to 21 and it's very true whatever you want to teach them you really have until age 14 after 14 it's pretty much maintenance you're just maintaining whatever you've taught them so what I was explaining about our kids when we gave them the smartphones when they graduated from high school at that point then it was just maintaining the above how to interact with one another on social media what's appropriate what's inappropriate what's not good for your heart to look at to be reflecting about what is it that my eyes are taking in and how is this affecting me and the last thing is I personally will admit that I have a social media addiction problem so I can lecture my kids all I want but I'm on my phone a lot looking at what's up looking at Facebook looking at Instagram so I personally recently made the decision to cut myself off from Facebook and Instagram for 40 days because I was told by a sheikh that anytime you want to make something part of your nature you do it for 40 days and if you can do it for 40 days it becomes part of your nature inshallah and I've been going through ups and downs I won't lie it's I'm an addict I'm an addict and I have to admit that and my kids are seeing me go through that process my my son was looking at his Instagram yesterday and I was like oh let me look over his shoulder and he's like no no no you you cannot be anywhere near this you're trying to quit this cold turkey you should not even be glancing at what I'm looking at but anyway you know our kids can also learn from our struggles to we sometimes focus so much on teaching them and lecturing to them about how they should be but we also have to look at ourselves to like what are we looking at all the time and how are we keeping ourselves busy you know the amazing thing about the human brain and eyes that you can't unsee and you can't un-remember what you saw so my first look at pornography was by mistake I actually walked into we did an exam kids were on break they went and got a vcr a bunch of stack of videos when I was in college just just entered college and I walked into their room and I turned walked in and I turned to the right and I saw the image on the television I didn't know what I was going to see and I'd never seen it before but I remember that image right now to this day if I close my eyes right now I can remember that image I know exactly what was going on the scenario the place what was happening that first image was 40 years ago okay it was 25 years ago making myself older sorry I should be subtracting anyway the problem is you know we we're not like a computer we can't go and delete our our hard drive and the worst part about it is that when you're in solitude when your eyes are closed when you're trying to think about your Lord and when you're trying to pray that's when it gets you it's not sitting here right now you know that I would have that image pop into my brain and hum the lot one of the things I realized is some of those kids that were my friends once they got a taste of it man they would make a straw as long as the as long as a mile wide to get more and for me I looked at it and hum the lot I swear I make do I do sugar to Allah that this day that I my initial reaction was discussed because had it not been you don't know you're just rolling the dice you don't know if you're gonna get a one or a six and six means you're in man you cannot get out of that you're gonna fight with that for the whole life I I was disgusted by it and I still remember it right and hum the law whenever I came across it I didn't need it I didn't have to affect it but those kids that I that went into it I didn't I couldn't be friends with them anymore because they were on a track where they wanted something different and let's be real boys want boys and the internet it's it's visual and it's porn girls what they want is validation friends you want to be with 17 friends oh does she like me does she think I'm her friend does she like my picture how do I look do I get validation so the addiction is very different for girls and boys so we have two different things that we need to watch so I wanted to show this perspective and my perspective you know we what we do it when we're not looking at it with Czech sports stores goers not that harmful but the porn is really very dangerous for boys and the social interaction is very dangerous for us so I just want to share my story so forget personal here I thought that would that would benefit this topic sorry but this this is a huge this is probably one of the most pressing issues that we're up against in terms of technology and smartphones and how do we deal with it and that's why I'm glad that we're still talking about it because I think there's a lot of silent suffering going on and there's a lot of silent sinning and one of the biggest things that we're dealing with is dealing with is we're dealing with a big nuffs and that's what we're up against we're up against our own nuffs and when you have a kid now you have all these other nuffs that you have to deal with and that's hard you know and I just wanted to mention there is a documentary called social animals on Netflix doesn't have any nudity or anything thank God but that's a good way you have a series of teens talking about how they use social media and just like the brother said and it's it's sister said actually it's an addiction and how that addiction has played out in some of their lives for good and how it's played out you know for some of them in the negative sometimes it's helpful to look at things that can help you analyze your own situation I just wanted to highlight that what we're up against ultimately is a big nuffs and everything that we're doing as a family is what are we saying we're Muslims so what does that mean that we're Muslims okay that means there's supposed to be a set of principles that we're aspiring to live our lives by okay it's different if we don't have this long okay so everything that we're gonna talk about in this panel at the end of the day it has to be rooted in divine principles guidance that we're referring back to or else it's easier for the kids to be like okay that's just mom that's his dad no it should be it's a law it's the prophet so long it's this righteous person we have to as parents ourselves be dipping into that guidance or else like they say you can't give what you don't have they're always just going to be pointing at you and blaming you as parents if you're not bringing it back to a a hired non-human source you know for inspiration and guidance that's an excellent question and I think Masha'Allah Hina has shared her own example and now she wants to speak more on that but I think just taking from what she said as a general rule of not having double standards you know having one standard for yourself and then having a different standard for your children is going to solicit that response right but if you implement a culture in your family where we all follow the same rules because as city had once said this is all about all of us are on the same boat parent and child we are all servants of God we're all created with the same you know reason we had we're accountable to him and he's the one that we have to you know be mindful of it's not about so you know I've written about this before on just you know different posts that I've put up but we as parents have to kind of remove our ourselves from the equation sometimes for our children I think we get in the way because we become the ultimate authority of everything and we and that's called you know authoritarian parenting and it's not I'm not a fan of it at all because I think it causes these very negative exchanges and dynamics where trust is broken and the relationship just becomes a tit for tat situation whereas when you actually have you know the correct Islamic model of parenting it's authoritarian authoritative where you are you are in a position of control and leadership but you also recognize that you are like them the same we're just at different phases right and so have the same standards have the same rules for yourself and that way your daughter can't make it about you but it's rather listen just like I don't trust myself because you know Allah you know this there's actually draws about this you know it's like protect me from my own self you know because we have weakness we're all made weak so we ask all of us that are always to protect us from our own lower selves from shaitan and West West and so have that type of you know dialogue in front of your children so that they understand this isn't I'm this you know I'm impervious to these things and you're weak when you explain it that way you're gonna get you know that rebuttal but if it's like listen we're all weak this is a really dangerous thing these are the rules of the house everybody has to follow it end of topic right sure sure there's a question online about struggling with hijab but the second part of the question is that along with phones they're used everywhere and the teacher automatically assumes that you have a phone so for example when you are in a group in order to communicate at home in order to communicate with your co-workers and with your students you need a phone how do you tell the teacher my whole and my whole group that I don't have a phone and it's very embarrassing and I need it and have people assume that I need it so this is the second portion of this question we'll address the other one but maybe we want to just touch on that now I'm sorry there's something that the sister said I think is really important which is your the potentiality of your child when you're restricting them from something saying why don't you trust me right that you have to remember that's that question goes both ways you could also ask that same question why don't you trust me you know why why don't our children trust us because generally speaking trust is something that's built over time okay so that's what I mean about again going back to a big thing in my family is making it a group effort you know because I've made a deal with my wife that we did not want to religiously traumatize our children because I had seen a lot of that you know as a young convert working with a lot of Muslim youth I know you all have experienced it maybe even in your own lives and in the lives of others religious trauma that happened in the home we're talking about external forces but there's also internal forces that are traumatizing religiously that are happening right in our own home so trust is something that's built it's built over time and so again don't be afraid to to counter some of their questions with the exact same question and to to even if that trust is not there then you can use that as a mom to say you know what maybe we're not very trusting of each other and let's work on it it takes doing activities with each other going out and experiencing mutual mutual things together finding out what other types of things your son or daughter interested in and participating in those things being there for them and reaching out when they are vulnerable when you notice it when you pick up on something that you engage them that's something that if we don't get anything you you cannot check out as a parent and I've told my daughters that you know sometimes it feels like overwhelming you just want to check out sometimes because it's hard but we we have kids like we have to be there it's a full-time job until we go to the grave they'll all make it easy and help us but do not check out of your children's lives engage them and build that trust so when it gets to a point where you have to restrict them from something even if something you don't always get it you're doing it just in spite of themselves because like I said we're dealing with the big nuffs at the end of the day build that trust work on building that relationship it's not too late that's Zeeshan had asked the question I guess somebody asked how do I tell people that I don't have a phone I I've found that people surprisingly respect you for being different but we it's our own insecurities and we feel like oh we just want to fit in we want to go under the radar we don't want anyone to notice us but more often than not people respect you for being different that's what American culture is all about is really just being the maverick being unique doing your own thing and so to just say with confidence you know what I don't have a phone so you're gonna have to email me that information for class or you're gonna have to give me a printout or whatever it is but being unapologetic about it that was one of the things that when our sons went to high school and we told them that one thing I used to do back when I was in high school which I realized doesn't work and so we taught them a different tactic that if somebody would ask me like why aren't you coming to the prom or why don't you have a boyfriend or why don't you drink I would always answer I can't drink I can't date I can't go to the prom but what we taught our sons is to say I don't drink I don't date I don't go to the prom to say it as if it's a choice you're making it's not something big yeah take ownership of it and it's not something being put on you and people if you say I can't the reaction is oh you poor thing oh I feel so sorry for you oh your parents are such losers but when you say I don't then it's like okay that's cool all right well let's see how we can work around it that's something you don't do I have to respect that thank you we have received questions online and also here in the audience so I'll read this one from the audience in shala as someone who wants to be a parent one day in shala how do you gently teach your kids about this then especially in today's world there are a lot of bad influences that can take us away from the so as far as the bad forces that can take people away from the Dean something that I'm with that he was a very respected scholar uncle in the community here one of my friends asked him you know what do we do with all the horrific horrible things that we see in the world that are going on around us that causes to be afraid causes to worry for the sake of our children what do we do about that and he said something really interesting he said in every storm that Allah has created he's created an eye the eye of the storm right where everything's calm everything's safe nothing's flying around to pray that Allah keeps you in the eye of the storm so it's true there are things going on all around us that are horrific there's also a lot of beauty all around us as well masha Allah and we pray to Allah every day and our children see his praying for this as well that Allah keeps us in his protection keeps us in the eye of the storm I mean as far as how to gently teach the children about the children have to see a lot of joy and they have to see that Islam works they have to see that Islam gives you a dignified life and it gives you a clean life and it gives you a better option for a way of living than what others may be choosing all around them and eventually they will come to see the difference between right and wrong because what's right has been presented in such a beautiful way to them their entire lives so I had somebody once say well I don't want to say anything that sounds like well okay I had somebody once say to me that you're one of the only happy Muslims I know so you know and they were saying that's why they wanted me to speak at a public event so they were like you're a happy Muslim you're a happy woman who's a Muslim and I thought that was a very sad statement to make because why don't we look happy why I know that we're worried about the next life and we're worried about how to get through this world and safety Jalla but our Dean gives us so much beauty and so much dignity and so much grace and so much hope there's so much hope and there's so much beauty around us so instead of just focusing on all the negative that's out there also get our kids to see all the positive right so if kids see that Islam is the reason the parents treat each other with respect and Islam is the reason we smell nice and Islam is the reason our homes are clean and Islam is the reason we treat our elders with respect and Islam is the reason we pay our bills on time Islam is the reason we keep our promises they will eventually choose it for themselves inshallah we want them to choose it because they recognize that it's the you know hook obviously but when they also see that it gives you a dignified life they will choose it for themselves inshallah and teach it with a smile again sometimes the the answer is in the question so if the question or in this case is how to gently teach Islam's be gentle it's as simple as that be gentle don't teach them Islam be cranky and yeah and it should be a it shouldn't be a bunch of nose but you're you're and expose them to gentle people expose them to people that exhibit the type of qualities that you personally admire and they aspire to and like I said in this community you had like when you think of you know a teacher or a gentle teacher you know exposed into a gentle teacher all of us I think at this table have someone in mind we think of like the gentle smiling teacher we all have someone in mind what we think of like very some of our teachers are very like Jalali and majestic they have a more serious tone we have people in mind so expose them to that one of one of the persons that you know just to make it very real and tangible when I think of is is Dr. Ranya why should I Dr. Ranya oh what may God preserve her and increase her and what he's blessed her with like when she teaches she has like an embedded smile she's always smiling and the interesting thing about that is I know one of one of her teachers and I used to live in the community where one of her teachers lives and she's constantly smiling to the extent that this particular female teacher I'm talking about she started actually wearing in the cob after some time and every time I see her since she's even started wearing the car I still see her smiling through the neck off like you say sometimes they say like their eyes are smiling so even though she's she's covering her smile even at this point I still see it whenever I meet her somewhere she's still smiling hurt hurt the way she speaks is still like in a smiling tone and that's made an impression on me to the extent that's why I'm talking about now I see their smiles literally right now as I'm talking to you and next time you see Dr. Dr. Ranya or you at one of her sessions take note of that between her sentences and while she's talking there's always this smile and that makes an impression on me and sometimes it's it's it's it may sound strange but sometimes you see their faces when you're thinking of doing something you shouldn't do sometimes there's been moments I've been thinking of doing something I know I shouldn't be doing and I see the face of one of my teachers and I'm just like so I feel embarrassed you know so sometimes again the answer is the raising children talk there's a Khalil Center introduction talk that was done at MCC it's on the MCC East Bay YouTube page and it's Dr. Ranya going through the four stages of child development and there's one stage that's you know the infant till two there's two to six there's six to nine and then there's the age of a teenage and then beyond that and she talks about the Hadith of Aliah the saying of Aliah about the seven years seven years seven years so if you want to reference that we can also link it to the page afterwards but it's about child rearing and the child stages of development and she's a trained psychiatrist from Stanford so she's also faculty at St. Petersburg so just plugging her some more. We have some more questions here so another question for our panelists and again anybody feel free to jump in and this is something that I know too happens a lot on to our boys and girls but I think especially with boys is the issue of bullying so this particular question is I get bullied and harassed at school all the time my parents do not get how hard it is I feel like I might be able to make a few friends at school but my parents won't let me meet with my friends outside of school they're overprotective and think only Muslims are good people on weekends we just go to their friends dinner parties where they force me to get along with kids whom I don't even like I am so stressed and lonely and don't know what to do probably a common problem I think anybody want to take it yeah okay so growing up growing up here having friends is very difficult it's very it's it's a question that that speaks to my heart I actually felt that way quite a bit again I was raised pre 9-11 not post 9-11 so I'm sure things are ramped up quite a bit with 9-11 and then ISIS and then now the killings in in in New Zealand and there's been killing I mean it's just ramping up so I'm sure it's getting quite quite intense and I remember Sean talking to us and he didn't tell us at the time what was happening but he said that once the ISIS video came out where where the guy I think beheaded or slit the throat of a journalist one of his friends you know teased him and said oh are you gonna they had a little disagreement and he said are you gonna slit my throat now you know so it's not just bullying it's just this constant sort of psychological teasing that goes on all day and I think as parents now we have to really understand what our children are going through they're going through a very stressful life we're going through a very stressful life trying to raise them and we have to be really really good partners we're one team and we're not going to survive without being great teammates so talking about this issue I felt very very lonely and what it what it did what I did was I was I kind of shut down I shut down stopped communicating my relationship with my parents deteriorated because we weren't connecting I felt alone I had some good friends we played outside a lot so that that's kind of saved me but this was definitely going on in my brain and then the same thing is a lot of our family friends they had you know little girls I was the only boy my sister and then all these little girls and I didn't have anywhere to go I didn't have any friends so it was it was a period of loneliness and what I would say is to try to have your son a do do taekwondo do sports that gets them out and gets them friends that are connected because the the best way for children or boys especially is to connect on a team once they share a ball they start becoming friends and I think with girls might be a little bit more complicated and brother how to speak to that so number one is get them activities that get them connected to other people and when they want to have friendships you know in the park sports days things like that that you can do or maybe even if you find one or two good children that you think are good friends have them in your home under your watch with your children so they can see that Islam works in the home and their friends are there they can watch a movie night that you can approve of things that they can do together try to build that friendship for your children you can't leave them just shutting down so there has to be the parent has to find a way to to to answer this question for the child which is give them friendship and give them camaraderie that they can that that both the parent and the child are happy with and it may not happen overnight also connecting them with good young girls good older people who are going to take them out take care of them I would say that that needs to be done but this is something that the parents I would I would I would say the parents need to work with this child to to fulfill those needs fulfill those needs because it's a very serious problem and the and the child needs needs help because you can't you can't grow up in a vacuum like that yeah just saying no is not going to work it didn't work with me it shut me out it caused a lot of different problems because once I was out of the house I fulfill those needs different ways does that those needs go somewhere and then you have to adjust your life and it sends you on a different track so you want to help that child and you know just religion and all that stuff it's not going to work you have to teach them a key that teach them love of the prophet and give them good friends whether they're muslim or non-muslim there's a lot of good kids out there in sports and other activities support them it's also easy to to think about the danger of the non-muslim friends which obviously I'm just you know sensitive about because there was a point in time when I was not classified as a muslim and I still thought I was a pretty decent guy you know I was liked by my friends parents and a pretty respectful guy but um there's also muslim friends who can be an even bigger problem than non-muslim friends because usually the biggest harm is the harm that comes from within within your own self and within your own community so still the solution or one of the remedies uh to both is is still being engaged regardless it's not just okay I want you to have no non-muslim friends blah blah blah no it's okay if you find that they have an interest in associating with someone invite them over you know one of the easiest ways to get to know somebody is through a plate of food invite them over feed them see what they're about engage their friends don't just let the friends come in the house and they run off upstairs through the room shut the door run to the basement shut the door no they come in you know you gotta check out I mean that's even one of our jobs as parents is you're supposed to be the guardian of your door you know you just don't let anybody come in the house somebody's coming the house oh who is this how are you doing what you into that's always one of my favorite questions to ask you is what are you into okay because use that gives me some insight into their personality but also gives an opportunity to expose them to what you're about the values of your household you know there's households that still stick out for me for my youth but I went to that every time I went to so-and-so's house I was treated well you know they fed me they looked after me if anything was going home you know anything was going wrong I knew I could talk to so-and-so's dad I knew I could talk to so-and-so's mom I knew if I was locked out of my house I could go to so-and-so's house okay so definitely beware in general and again engage don't check out just don't assume oh my son has a halo or my daughter has a hijab and hijab is a halo or force field doesn't work like that okay but be engaged check into these people check into things invite them ask them questions not just to be the nosy nagging parent but even find things that you all may have in common that you enjoy doing together it's funny one of my sons was telling me about one of his best friends and who I'm getting to know they became really close over the last year and I was asking him what he really likes about this other young man I like him too Mashallah but I wanted to know what my son liked about him and he said you know he's the only he's one of those few people that he's the same in front of adults that he is in front of kids and he's the same with us as he is in front of our parents and that kind of gave me a little bit of an inside look that I just assumed all his friends were what how I saw them you know but that comment showed me that you know you may think somebody's perfect or you may think somebody needs some work but you don't really know what the full story is right so but never underestimate the power of dua do a lot of dua for your children to have good friends and for you to have good friends Allah swt brings them from out of the blue once you start asking him for good sohbah inshallah so I we're we're kind of um we've been going mashallah for a while now I don't know the conversations and so fluid I don't think it just dawned on me that we've been speaking for almost an hour and a half straight so I'm going to ask the audience members do you guys want to continue and I just sort of skip the break or do you feel like you want to get up and stretch a little bit stretch yeah show of hands if you if you think we should take a break okay so the the brothers are like oh this is too much talking for us um no no no I'm just teasing okay then maybe we can just take a little bit five ten minute break and please listen out because we will ask you to come back in just to wrap up and have some some address a few more questions years and then you're their friend for the third seven years then you let them go so your friends from 14 to 21 this goes directly in line with that had these um how you answer that question really depends on what you've been doing up until the age of 14 like what you've been teaching your children then based on what you've been teaching them then you have your response to this situation and hearing about this particular scenario where a parent found out about her son having a non-Muslim girlfriend in high school uh I know of two people two different situations exact same thing one family the son has a girlfriend and the other family the son had a girlfriend and the parents found out about it so family A the mother told me and I witnessed this myself and had seen it entire time the kids were growing up they did not teach their children the religion they did not teach their children fit and sharia was not a priority in the home um and so the mother admitted that she was disappointed that that was a choice her son made and now he's even living with his girlfriend he's in college but they're a muslim family the mother said that I kind of feel like my hands are tied my husband and I did not teach our children the dean at all so how can I now tell him that he needs to fear Allah or that this is a sin or that it's haram so fair enough fair enough the other family I I learned a lot from their situation so the the other family actually always taught their children about Allah subhanahu wa sallam and they taught their kids about fit and sharia and what Allah's rights are and what the sunnah of the prophet sallam is and they themselves followed the rules of the religion in the home despite all that the sun um took a girlfriend in high school and the mom found out about it the parents found out about it and I learned a lot from their response um what the mother told me they did is they sat their son down and they said okay so here you have a girlfriend and um they had found out from um siblings and the family had had let out the secret and the son confirmed it that he did have indeed have a girlfriend and so the mom said okay well what are we going to do about this because you know that even though she's not muslim she has rights your girlfriend has rights and I'm not going to ask you like how far you've taken your relationship with her I'm just going to ask you how now do you want to make this relationship halal and he was in high school he's 16 years old and the son's like what do you mean make it halal the mom's like well you know that we in Islam that there's no premarital relations and if you've decided that this girl is important to you and important enough that you're going to cross this line then we need to do what we need to do to make it halal and here are the options your dad and I can go to mr and mrs smith's home and uh we will give a marriage proposal on your behalf and the son was horrified horrified he's like what are you talking about and the mom was like I know their address so this is not a problem and she was actually speaking very respectfully to her son and she said that I know their address and we can go and have a talk with the parents and explain that you're muslim and we've raised you muslim and these are the rules of our religion and she said to her son don't worry honey this is you don't have to live together you don't have to be a husband and wife the way your mom and dad or husband and wife you just have to make your relationship halal and if you decide to break up with her then you're going to pay her her matter and she's going to have her rights fulfilled and then you guys will go your separate ways but she needs to know that she has rights according to our religion you're not going to hide that from her and so the parents made it about really about compassion and caring towards other people and she said I know that in you know other religions or other cultures it's okay boys and girls can get together before marriage and do whatever they want and they can have their hearts broken and there's no justice and everyone goes on but in our religion we have rules and so the son was like obviously not going for that he was completely terrified at the idea of his parents showing up to his girlfriend's home with a marriage proposal and the mom even painted a like a lovely scenario she's like you'll be able to go to the prom with her you know you'll be able to do all the things that you want to do you don't have to do it behind our backs and the community can know about it it will nobody will say that oh look mr and mrs mohammad's son is has a girlfriend behind their backs and they don't know this what we will have dignity we will have respect she like painted it as something that was actually doable but what she did tell her son was she said you have let me see if i remember this correctly she said you have three options she said one you can end the relationship with your girlfriend and there are going to be tears and it's going to it's going to hurt it's going to hurt her it's going to hurt you but in the end you'll be choosing a law and you will be choosing to do the right thing and have a halal relationship by breaking up you can choose to get married and then continue doing what you're doing right now but it will be out in the open and it will be approved by Allah and it will be halal or the third is you can choose something that is going to take you to the hellfire and she was very very blunt with her language she didn't say you're going to choose something we're going to cut you off we're going to have nothing to do with you and we disown you she said you will you can choose something that is going to take you to the hellfire because you will be committing halal and she's like we have always taught you the rules of our religion these are your three options in front of you and she told him she had this talk with him and then her husband had a talk with them she said we're going to give you a week to decide and he said okay i need a week he said i'm i'm not going to just give you the answer you want right now and she's like that's fine and she they set a date they set a time they went out for brunch and she said in a week we're going to go out to brunch and you let us know what you want to do and we will facilitate and he was not happy about it he met with them a week later and he accepted that he was going to end the relationship and it was not easy um the mom told me there were a lot of tears and after the son uh ended the relationship with his girlfriend the mom cried with him she cried with him which blew me away because i was trying to think about how i would react if this was my situation and i don't know if i would have had that kind of empathy or sympathy i think i would have been like serves you right this is what you got yourself into now deal with the the repercussions or the feelings but mashallah this mom had a lot of compassion and she held her son as he wept because it was so hard for him but what i loved about that example that i saw was she empowered him to make the right decision but it was only possible after a whole lifetime of showing that this is where the buck stops everything ends at sharia and thick and what a lot expects of us if you haven't been doing that your entire life then all it then it's like the family a the first family i told about they their hands are tied what what can they tell their kid now about what he can and can't do when they've never said anything before right thank you just that quote and that was a wonderful response mashallah for all of us i'm sure to reflect on i just wanted to make a point though about the family that does feel like uh oh is it too late for my family make because sometimes you know parents um may may not have been doing a lot of these things in the beginning with their children but at some point you know reality hits and they realize i have to catch up on my parenting um is all hope lost no um and if you find yourself in a situation where you haven't been really teaching your children dean and and a lot of these things are kind of now coming to the surface and you want to re-establish your relationship with your children i think having really open honest communication is the key um as as we've talked about throughout the panel speaking from your own perspective and and vulnerability and actually admitting your own shortcomings and your own failings is a wonderful amazing way for you to connect with your teens and i can say that as someone who works a lot with teens and one of the issues that is very common in our communities and in our community and many of our cultures is this idea that parents never show weakness to their children and they are always uh they don't even apologize in some cases and i have spoken with parents and teens where the teen will tell me and with the parents standing there that my parents never apologize for anything even when they make mistakes and this is a really big problem in our community we have to get over this sort of ego very self-centered type of parenting we are all in the same boat our children are really i think i mean a lot knows but in throughout history i feel like the issues that they deal with are unprecedented we really got the easy you know path i'm so grateful that i'm not a teen i really am i when i when i hear what they go through and i see what they're up against i'm like y'all thank you for saving me from the insanity that our poor children have inherited so we have to be more empathic more sympathetic to what they're going through and the only way that we can receive uh or that we can um you know have more open communication is for us to kind of you know be humble a little bit bring ourselves down admit that you know what i didn't do my priorities were maybe off the first five six seven ten years fifteen years of your life i'm sorry i was career oriented i had this going on that going on and maybe i didn't give you the attention that you deserve maybe i wasn't interested in what you were doing i'm so sorry if i felt if i because of my distractions or my other you know lack of maybe focus i didn't make you feel important enough but i want to redo that can i reset that please let you know and and start from that place of owning what you didn't do that should have been done as a parent and then asking for a re a renewal of your relationship i feel like children would probably really much more respect you and actually really see you in a different light if we were to do that more as parents as opposed to letting the distance continue and and you know just the the relationship and because a lot of parents feel like well there's nothing i can do the doors are slamming in my face um you know i've lost my child and it's my fault and they kind of think a hope you know there's no hope no that's from shaytan it's west west so there's always hope with allah we are not a religion of despair we're a religion of hope and it sometimes it does come down to something so basic as you apologizing and saying i am sorry i'm i'm not perfect i'm human i failed but i love you enough to want to have a redo please join me in this and and just from there inshallah so yeah one of the issues is you know i didn't do x y and z for so many years and now i want to my kid and to to do to do you know start praying in this and that and so for someone who's lost his way and came back to islam pretty late i feel like i took shahada in my heart with sheikh hamza at one of his talks when i was you know well into my adulthood i feel like that's when islam came back to me and so it's exactly what sister hasai just mentioned which is the real gent and brother had mentioned really gently say to your child and your family this is where we're at and this is how we didn't do it and now we want to move forward together together and i want you by my side and i want you to learn the dean with me because i didn't do it and so um you know again it's the 40-day lesson they're not gonna all everybody like okay yeah let's go and pick a pick a topic say either we're gonna go to a thali or either we're gonna go to a conference or either we're gonna go to a speech or something that advances our dean so that we can all learn just uh huzzat ibrahim spoke to allah but then there's an ayah and surah bakar where he still wanted to know he still wanted to increase his yakin and allah said to him you still don't believe uh uh huzzat musa sorry you still don't believe and then he said take four birds and train them and then cut them into little pieces and put them on four parts of the mountain and call them and he allah brought them to life and they all came back to him because huzzat ibrahim okay i'm sorry i'm not a scholar we did that pleasure so anyway um but the the point is is that even even the prophets had wanted to taste yakin better than they had it before and you go up and down we're up and down your prayer in the afternoon is different from your prayer in the morning and so you have to engage your children and say let's do this journey together let's go somewhere and then watch them i can see with my children which event they like and which one they're bored at okay you know let's go to this conference and there's going to be some place where they like it and then go there with them give them what they need and get what you need inshallah together it's never too late that answer is actually really perfect and it goes well with a question that we got online that i'm just gonna read i'm moving from an area with a relatively good muslim community to one with a high school that has absolutely no muslim youth in that high school how do i get my son to be a proud muslim in that environment where he will be the lone muslim in the school so just to piggyback off of what zishan was saying it's so important that we engage our kids in these types of community activities and actually grow an attachment to our community centers our masajids well i cannot emphasis emphasize that enough the research shows that kids that are actually attached to their religious community center are protected from i believe there's six high high risk behavior of teens that thought that they fall into but when you see kids that are you know attached to their religious institutions they're protected from those things so it's even if they're in a high school situation a public high school or they're you know most of their friends might not be muslim by giving them something regular not like you know ed only Ramadan only or certain you know times where because it's convenient for you but actually giving them a sense of of belonging to a community center or a masjid that's close to your classes or something but regularly feeding that it has to be regular it will really really help firm can you know confirm their identity strengthen their identity and inshallah help to also repair the for those again families that have or maybe getting a late start into this path it'll help repair some of these you know the issues that that that you're experiencing by having a place for your team to to go to to maybe talk to develop relationships with other people find mentors and learn from other people there's so many i mean here in the bay mashallah we have honestly nothing to complain about we have an every corner that you can go to there's really no excuse and then for for places like mcc mail a reward the organizers here because they not only provide these types of programming but then they also allow for people to be in the comfort of their own home watching these things but we we have to keep it regular as my point don't just you know underestimate the value of bringing your kids to the friday youths for example halafas here or bringing them to panels like this or any type of events that are targeted for you make it a priority look at the newsletters plan it in your schedule skip going to the movies please like you could do that any day now with the netflix and all that stuff prioritize your life and that's one of the rules that i always tell my children about in terms of our practice that for us our lives are completely planned around our our game and i take that very seriously so our prayers come first no matter what i'm doing i have to know where am i going to pray are we going to be able to make we'll do it you know i that's how i work and that's how they now work but we do unfortunately the opposite a lot of times we plan everything else we're very good at planning social activities we plan a lot of fun things but we don't think about being and how important it is to you know what are we created for why are we here so our prayers have to be our priority our children's identity has to be a priority in our life forget all the other stuff if it's distracting you from that objective it's it's really again in our hands to make sure that they know that these are priorities that being muslim and living islam not just being you know nominally muslim or you know like a you know muslim during during different seasons of the year but we actually have a way of life that we commit to and that is where again being active in your community center and let's get regularly bringing them is really really important i'm just going to add one thing that i hand it over so we were talking during the break right about just do not underestimate the importance and the value of the village the village is very very important in raising our children in the staying age we we can't have little bubbles or little shelters that's just not possible in today's society but we can have communities of like-minded people like-minded families where your kids know that they even if they feel like they're alone or they feel like they're the strange ones in school they know that they have a network of support or a community that gets them even if they're not best friends with everyone that we all kind of get each other and we get what our struggles are and i know of a few people who we've been raising our kids now in the bay areas for the past 21-22 years and i've seen a lot of different types of parenting styles come and go and a lot of different choices that my friends have made as parents and i have a few friends who are you know introverts and they didn't like going out in the community they didn't like socializing and they would make these choices when the kids were younger to forgo big community things or gatherings because they preferred being just home with their family or just with their kids and okay that seemed fine like i didn't know what was right or wrong that that works for you good enough but what i'm seeing now with some of those families is now that their kids are older and they're in college it is much easier for those families that didn't choose to engage with the village with the muslim community it's much easier for those kids to check out it's easier for those kids to go their own way they don't feel like they're disappointing anyone they don't feel like they're leaving anybody they don't feel like they're shaming themselves there's no one they're really accountable to obviously we don't want to live our lives thinking what will people say what will people say but there is a value having a community and a village that goes beyond just your parents who you are you know accountable to you want them to like you and respect you and and consider you when it comes time to getting married that they will consider you for their sons and daughters so these are things to think about thank you for that i wanted i'm still thinking about parents trying to figure out a whether now they're moving a place where they don't have that village that we have here much more like such abundance and i really feel for that situation one of the things i wrote down when i heard that question was pray for it and look away for it so pray for it and make a way for it just because that is the situation doesn't mean that it has to stay that way you're going through this this community and you don't have a thriving muslim community there perhaps you should make that intention to be that spark in that community and most likely at this point the growth of muslim families here in america most likely in that high school i'm sure there's probably one other Muslim community and so you go there and do a little investigative work find out you know if you get administrators about the same population other than some students then they already the existing activities that you're just not aware of yet because you just yet but also be proactive yourself along with your your son or daughter i can remember what it is to initiate those things initiate a relationship with staff there at the school that okay they can have this particular way to pray in meet me and then you never know just by doing that that now we have other muslim students kind of like all of a sudden appear you know that you didn't even realize that they existed but now that you've made this opportunity for your child becomes a magnanimous opportunity for other people's children one of the things that i realized is even talking with my children is that it's only in terms of like practicing Islam and making it work with the particular responsibilities that we have such as the prayer is it's only as awkward as you make it and one of the things that we do we know we're going to be out and about and so we know that we have a very beautiful understanding in our religion that prayer is actually light prayer is a source of light and the places where we pray where we make that sejda it leaves a mark you know that will testify on our behalf on the day of judgment that worship and remembrance of God was established in that mark and so it's nice to know like on the way coming here we pass by the shopping center where the hasin the theater is we've been to that theater but like the sister said we schedule it around prayer times and we literally like i feel good knowing that we left the prayer mark in that shopping center on several different spots in that parking okay we left the prayer mark and so i tell my my daughter's wanted you know i have a lot of slogans in house just to help make principles easy to memorize but that's just one of them you know it's only as awkward as you make it and so be creatively righteous that's one of the things i say you have to be creatively righteous we can establish these prayers they always tell me stories of you know leaving of you know having to pray in the Nordstroms dressing room you know all kinds like i said i mean how many parking lots balconies all these different places you end up praying we can do we can establish and it's only as hard as we make it sometimes there's just a lot of fears we put in our own hearts i'm not i'm not saying you got to get up in the middle of the movie theater and go down use there's a platform down the way down the platform and pray right there yeah and give you that you know and go pray but make it work there's times marry him as right here as a witness we sometimes the timing is falling a prayer time we even said okay this is where we're going to pray we pray right there we get up right and you take turns pray on a relay to don't lose our seats and stuff have we done that right we've gone in corners and theaters and pray right inside the theater and so far we're still alive nobody said anything nobody kicked this out of the theater so again you have to look at it in the positive don't always take the responsibilities as a negative all you gotta pray you know we're leaving marks of light across the earth we're making sedge the marks of light on the earth that a lot was worse you're in a theater you remembered a lot in a theater you may have been that only person you know always think about that we go certain places we may be the only people in this mall this wherever who remember that's why the duos that you say when going into the marketplace is so huge right when you go to a mall you should there's a specific do i'm not even going to tell you what it is because i want you to look it up yourself that you submit don't we say that what a safe way target i'm in the door because it's huge because this is a place where people aren't thinking about god you're thinking about what they want to get for themselves okay and that's something i appreciate as a convert is that a lot has helped us to remember him sometimes just feel so tongue tight like i'm not supposed to say to god i know i'm supposed to think of god what do i say he just gives us all these things to say what to say when you get up what to say when you go to the restaurant what to say when you put on your clothes what to say before you eat what to say when you leave the house what to say when you get in your mode of transportation what to say when you go to the store what to say when you enter into a house of worship what to say when you leave what to say when you leave the bathroom right what to say when you greet someone all these different duos is like we can definitely get out of there Okay, and again, it's we should take an empowering and a positive attitude. This is awesome. I can talk to God with his own words Right his own words, of course, he's gonna hear that and love that So a lot of times it's only as awkward as So we have to find the aid of the solution to some of our challenges We are the Jedi In the world of sith We believe in the force Allah Like luck, I didn't see you had her and much like you bring such a beautiful perspective, especially I think for many of us who are born into this faith and sometimes lose that zeal and that appreciation for all the beautiful things that See you had her mentioned. I'm always in awe of converts who this language Arabic especially is not easy for a lot of them to learn and yet MashaAllah if he can sit there and commit and commit his family to learning these laws and many others There's so many examples of people who strive because they really do see the value in these things And they look at it with that eye of like, wow, this is a a true gift from Allah for some of us because maybe we heard it Our whole lives the Quran was playing or we know these du'as from childhood. We've we've lost that sort of just awe and appreciation But we we should recapture that and I think that's part of you know, really going back and making our Tradition very personal instead of just you know, looking back on what we did as children and kind of You know having that that that sort of experience when you personalize your path with Allah's fatata You go to it with a very renewed eye and you start Seeing things the way mashaAllah that that you know him and so many other people who come to this dean see it Which is really like wow. These are treasures. So does that go ahead and I really think you need a book because I want to I want to know all of your sayings and slogans I personally will I seriously would buy that book in a second MashaAllah, if you don't follow city header, he's a poet. He's an artist He's he's so talented in so many ways very very humble But follow him on facebook because sometimes the gems he drops are just mashallah mind Mind-blowing. So just like well fit him. I wanted to just get back to some of the questions that we've received We we received another one online that brother Zeeshan mentioned earlier But he mentioned the second half now I'd like to actually read the first half and it does tie into a lot of this What we've just been talking about as far as identity I am all set to wear hijab, but there's one question holding me back What if something happens to me when I wear hijab my mom? What if someone judges me for wearing it or someone hurts me for wearing it? I am the only one Okay, so I know that um, I mean I have some comments on this, but I'm gonna Turn to my panelists anybody, you know, yeah, I'm gonna turn my fellow female panelists I think it's natural to feel anxiety and to feel some fear Especially today's political climate visibly identifies you as a muslim But I think it's really really important to remind ourselves of the concept of the father of Allah Which is that what hits you was never going to miss and what misses you was never going to hit That we as muslims actually believe that we believe that whatever is going to hit us it's because Allah willed it and there was no way it was gonna miss us and whatever misses us was never going on this No matter how much we may even have wanted it and the truth is that You can be harassed whether you're wearing hijab or not and We're all going to die one day whether we're wearing hijab or not so that the fear of what if Is really something that shaytan does with us to to get us to put off doing something that we want to do for the sake of Allah so Whatever step we take towards Allah, we should believe that he's going to come running towards us in response And we should ask Allah to protect us because he is the ultimate protector and When it's our time to go What more beautiful way could there be to go than to go as a muslim visibly Identifiable as a muslim after the christ church tragedy I I do not pray to go to leave this world in an act of violence I I don't want to die a violent death but at the same time I really um envied if I can use that word in a positive sense not that I was jealous of them but envied the the people who are martyred that day that They were martyred for being muslim they they were going to leave this world one way or the other But to leave as muslims to leave because of their fate um On jama in in a state of wudu in a state of prayer the last act being an act of worship Um, alhamdulillah, there were so many lessons to be taken from from what happened in christ church even even the name christ church but um trust in Allah Trust in Allah. He's the ultimate protector. No one else can do this So so we're we're living in a world now where people are shaving their heads and tatting themselves out like crazy and You know, I ride the train every day to work work in san francisco work in the global world it's it's Every now and then a mohachiba will get on the train And or walk in downtown san francisco and i'm telling you it's not because i'm muslim it's it's it's it's it's it's like a person of light um People are disfiguring themselves self mutilating Pink hair all kinds of weird stuff. It's like this freedom that's gone amok and it really shows out when someone is protected and Protecting themselves protecting their modesty and protecting their beauty and protecting their gaze and they know where they're walking. They're not distracted Um, and I see this lady sit on bar every now and then she'll do her weird in the morning And i'm just you know, i'm ready to i'm ready to anyone says anything I'm ready to kill someone someone says something to her. So there's people someone around You know, there's muslims around you that are going to mashallah step up because you we know you look muslim And I don't look muslim, you know when i'm on the train. So we're there. We're there And um, you know, I just think it's very very amazing to wear that it's like a crown now It's it's really like a crown and and and I listen to other um issues with With men and women and feminism and things like that Men are being turned off by that By by that masculinity and that hardness that some women want to have now So you stand out in terms of beauty. So I just thought I would share that I think, you know, it came to my brain as I was listening to the question But it is it is a struggle. It's a fight and we don't have to wear that crown You know, I don't have to wear a kuffy. So I definitely understand the fear and the anxiety that's there I think as again as a convert Um, he jab was something that was very fascinating to me And I had I had the I had seen nuns, you know, I was I was in the baptist tradition And so covering really wasn't part of baptist Christian practice But you know, obviously we all were aware of nuns And so when I became muslim, I was like, oh cool. It's like I can marry a nun You know, that was something I really thought was like Really honorable I'm really high and I was like, wow, what's that going to be like being married to a nun? I really have that caliber I can be married to a nun and And that was that was just my under my view of it, but it's very beautiful We have a very beautiful understanding about this in our tradition and And paraphrase that Allah has a hijab You know, he doesn't wear a hijab, but we are told in one of the narrations that Allah has a hijab Meaning a type of barrier and it's made of light Is he is hijab is light? And so I was at subhanallah like Everyone, you know, all these women who have taken that on as part of their practice. It literally is a source of light And you should take inspiration from the light Allah and see your hijab literally as light. I am wearing light And I have no doubt that that's inshallah how you're going to see that You know on that day is as light Well, another thought came to me. Did you guys all see the pictures of the New Zealand women and newscasters and everybody who put on hijab Did you notice how different they looked the same women when they put on hijab all the ladies seemed elevated? It was weird. I mean I I I I asked you to go back and look at those pictures, but that immediately came to my mind that they look more elegant They look more elevated. They look more Distinguished with the hijab on it was just amazing to see that and that's part of the the martyrdom And that Allah shows us that that islam can show this thing to people even in the midst of an amazing Mist of a tragedy you can have these amazing epiphanies and things going on So anyway, I just noticed that about the women when I when I saw those pictures So much it's always really nice to hear our brothers supporting Sisters because in and relating to them even though that they can't necessarily relate in In the in the wearing of the hijab, but they still do observe certain things and and are able to uh to support us So jizakulah hidden There you go, exactly you don't wear hijab, but inshallah the beard is the hijab, right or there is a substitute It does I agree So wait, it's not a real website. I think it and someone needs to buy that domain. We need to get that rolling We've received some really great Follow-up questions from the audience. Thank you so much for turning these in This one is a I think a really important one and I personally have heard this time and time again How important is it for both the parents to be on the same page in terms of religious values? Like hijab praying during travel for example, um, I mean obviously mashallah It's that's an ideal situation that you have Harmony in the household and everybody's on the same page But even if that's not the case and I know from speaking to a lot of these sisters In a community that many of them do struggle with this very dynamic where they may be wanting to really, you know Have a more, you know sound Islamic household, but the the resistance isn't coming necessarily from the children It's from their partner Even if that's the case, I think and it can be vice versa. Sometimes it's vice versa um, I think maintaining your own practice and Really creating that bond with your children and just being in this having a spirit of love and compassion and in instead of harping on rules and being really sort of militant in terms of practice and you know, I had someone actually Just I think yesterday the day before I can't remember I've kind of been doing a few different events this week But someone did ask me about prayer and like how that they can approach the topic of prayer With their family members and not come across Like they're, you know micro managing other people's practice And I just said, you know, we have to this is where thinking outside the box a little bit And really coming up with creative ways to as I believe city haroon and I think all the panelists mentioned having islam being a group activity If it's like everybody kind of fend for themselves and then there's one, you know, a sort of drill sergeant who's going to go around with a, you know What is it called the club board and kind of check off what everybody's doing? That's not a good spirit in the household We shouldn't do that to each other where we're checking in on each other But if you kind of make it a collective Experience where everybody mutually benefits and you want to do things together as a family And that's the spirit with which you approach the topic of let's say prayer for example Like I I really think it's very very important the families pray together But let's say and this is advice i've given to sisters before if you are You know wanting to establish prayer in the household and with your family But your husband isn't quite there yet instead of making him feel bad and like, you know There's something wrong with him and we're all praying and you don't I think it's really important sometimes to boost the morale Of your spouse and remind him of his own, you know Importance in the family and the fact that he is Given the imam, you know that the role of imam in the household and to honor and uplift whenever we speak with language like that I feel like it's really and even if he doesn't agree the first time because maybe he's engaged in something Or he doesn't have will do and it's inconvenient for him Just keep coming with those types of positive reinforcing messages Like, you know, we look to you the children look to you the boys, you know They we want to hear your beautiful recitation. Whatever it is that will somehow spark You know an interest in the activity instead of just guilt And you know kind of creating a rift where we're the practicing good ones and you're the one that's Still behind you're you know, you're engaged in this x y and z haram or whatever it is Don't do that create that spirit of family and love and a connectivity and remember, you know, there are I mean, that's like I said going back to my All of a lot of our convert Muslims may Allah bless them some of these people in their own homes They have to deal with people who not only don't practice the faith in many times They reject the faith all together But they still have the sense to know to be able to create Harmony in their family and and not cause division because they they know what it is to be on the other side So sometimes you have to remember, you know, guidance is from Allah Sometimes people become wayward because of Things that you might not understand but not to become self-righteous When it comes to deen and think like well, I'm better than this person because I practice and I do this and I You know, I I know better and my spouse doesn't or my relative doesn't just remember We're all on this journey together and people get, you know Hold this way or that way But the best way to keep them tethered to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and tethered to this deen is through compassion and love Keep that always on your tongue speak with love and just bring them in that way but not that Yeah, of course, please It's not really It's not super crucial that the husband and wife have exactly the same Interests or the same personalities or even the same ways of teaching their children What's really really important? However, is that the husband and wife have the same goals For their children that they have the same goals for what kind of Muslims? They want to raise and how they want their children to turn out inshallah So this is a discussion that has to happen between husband and wife privately Well, what are our goals for our children? What kind of Muslims do we want them to develop into it? What are we going to do to get there? How what's what's the game plan? What's the roadmap and what do we have to bring into our lives? And what do we have to get rid out of our lives to make this happen? And the other agreement that husbands and wives Really should have is that they're not going to contradict one another Or nag one another lecture one another in front of the children Because that isn't very conducive to raising children who believe that Islam works And that who come to it with a spirit of joy And unfortunately, I've I've seen this more often than not where even in my own generation of people that I grew up with Where there were families where the mothers were very pious and very practicing and the dads weren't And especially in the young men Many of them grew up to Not necessarily choose the practice of the being unfortunately it was hit or miss, but I have seen Majority of families where the fathers were pious and practicing and loving and engaged with the kids and the moms Maybe were kind of loosey-goosey lackadaisical many of the kids Have chosen to practice the being and to practice it seriously The dads have a power over their kids that really cannot be explained And I think it might be the reason why alas panathala has made the religion a patriarchal religion that the theme comes down From the father because I don't think fathers realize How much value and how much importance they Bring to the practice of the being and their kids and for many years I used to say this and I used to say Oh, this is just data. I've collected. This is just what I've seen in the community I don't actually have science to back me up, but now we actually have science to back up this assertion. There's a book called Families and faith how religion gets passed down across the generations. It's by verne bangston He used to be a christian minister. He started studying 2000 families in 1972 2000 families jewish and christian and he followed them till 2006. So for 34 years He would meet with them like every five years and he wanted to see specifically What was it that caused the next generation to continue practicing the religion of the parents? And there were all sorts of factors that came into play that he looked at but the overwhelming Factor that decided whether the next generation was going to going to continue being christian and jewish or not was if the father Practiced christianity and judaism and was engaged with the children What his studies showed was that it wasn't enough for the father to be pious You you can be someone who has the miss behind your hands and goes to the mosque for all five prayers and has a long beard But if you're not engaged with your kids If you don't know them if you're not taking time to get to know them If you aren't having fun times with them if you don't know their friends if you don't know their stories then it's hit or miss but fathers who are engaged with their kids And practice the religion The majority of those the religion them continue to do the next generation Yes, inshallah. I just um, I'm sorry. I just want to make a quick analysis. We have about 15 minutes left So we do have a couple of questions that we I don't want to forget from the actual online survey So I'll put those questions out there and then see the other one if you want to tie in your comment After um, you know with the question the response to the question that'll be great But um the question that we received one of them was how to talk to a young child of 11 years old about things like, you know kind of following a fall following or falling into um What would you call it a certain behaviors like? Dying the hair right dying their hair after a certain cartoon character or character that they that they like kind of you know wanting to emulate People that they like a young child. So how to talk to young children about things like that As well as music So, you know music is a big topic that a lot of parents are And children it's causing a lot of rift in families because Sometimes, you know the the genre of music isn't something the parents want children to listen to So how do we navigate those types of discussions? So I guess it would be like popular culture ideas the children want to adopt or want to you know, kind of Take and if they in any way conflict with Islam, how would you navigate those discussions? So if you can take that question inshallah, and then please put give us your comment as well. Wow, Bismillah um One thing I wanted to to say again It comes back to those reinforcement of or I'm looking for any type of meaningful change that has to be based on essential core values And like I said in my household, I love to come up with slogans to help us remember certain things So I have what's called the mantra of the house of That is our way is to build up There you go Our way is to build up and not to tear down. That is literally the mantra of my household If you see any of my other daughters feel free to test them on that ask them Hey, what's the mantra of the house of our room? They will say our way is to build up and not to tear down They could sound simple but just repeating that over and over And making that the foundation upon which we discipline is huge So it means that we have made a commitment to never discipline out. This is going to happen Not always going to be you know, what you can do. There's sometimes you just have to draw a line on certain things You know prohibit certain things But still doing it from the perspective of we're still trying to build you up You know, even in my tone of voice that that I use with my children everything is still designed Institute in a way to to build them up not to tear them down And I've just seen too many of the tear down parenting Like I've seen parents like go into their kids and the end of it. It's just like That kid feels like he's just ready to fall off the edge of the earth He did like why should I even exist if it's like this? You know, I felt like that My pain was like, oh man, if I got a got this one bad grade in this one semester was like I was like, geez, why should I even exist? My whole purpose is to go to school to get uh, you know to get into college And I'm not doing a good job at it. Then why should I exist? You know, the humbly love we Have a merciful lord who makes us realize our value is much bigger than that So again having core values that you can tie yourself Back to I've also seen this the scenario something that the sister Both sisters brought up is the value of again that that head of household role and taken serious There's also a negative side effect. I've seen too many cases where there is a divorce Now the father figure is not there now all of a sudden the kids aren't practicing Islam anymore So unfortunately, you also see situations where everybody was practicing Islam because a dad So all this religiosity was actually just fake. I'm just doing it put on a good front You know a mask to your parents. So because I had seen so many situations like that again What I what I do to help remedy that is I speak very interactively to my children I specifically told them very early if I die anytime soon I do not want you to throw your dean in the grave with me Don't do that You have to take this on yourself. So how have I tried to do that practically speaking engaging them in fudger Sometimes it's going to be me. It should be me as the leader of the household waking everybody from fudger Let's say look sometimes it's not going to be me So I need you all to step and you all need to have fudger lunch And alhamdulillah. I really like it's been a pleasure seeing the results of that in my household Sometimes it's dad knocking on the door, right maria. Sometimes it's mariam knocking on the door Sometimes pretty repetitively and really loud But mariam makes sure I get up, you know And I appreciate seeing her take ownership Another story is sunnah prayer Alhamdulillah, I've you know, I feel like sometimes these stats, you know our prayers and devotional acts they have stats to them 1999 or I was like this This year was like this same thing There was a year where I really felt like my sunnah prayers were just low But mariam and my daughters always noticed they're always still trying to do those sunnah prayers regardless of whether Dad is doing because where the mom is doing And recently alhamdulillah after hearing a very good reminder About the value and importance of praying the witcher prayer like the two and then the one after each hour I was like, you know, I just got to get my witcher back one. It's as simple as that I'm just gonna get back up get that stat back up And alhamdulillah mariam didn't have that problem. She's been praying witcher They got preserve her in this and increase her in it and all of our kids I mean, she's been doing consistently on her own even when her father has not been that witness for her to do it himself And alhamdulillah, I started doing witcher. What happened that day? You know what you did after right after I prayed witcher The next night this big hug You know, she just came up and just gave me this big hug and she was like She was so happy. Yeah, like I was ready to get some stickers and cookies, you know Myself like I was just like wow not even thanked her for thanking me like thank you that you value this enough Yourself that you've been establishing it regardless and whether I'm doing it or not And that even when you saw me do it, you gave me a hug And it's like that hug just made me feel like I got this I'm gonna continue doing that when I feel lazy and thinking. Okay, maybe not tonight. I think of mariam's hug That's what I mean about making it a Group effort as opposed to a top down Now about this issue of music This is a big one especially for me because I was a musician I was in a in an alternative rock band in an r&b group in hip hop groups I still write songs, but it's a big big issue. It's one of the The things that has a huge if not one of the hugest impacts on the human psyche and on the human heart That you can understand why it can compete with god right That that combination of sound and words It can compete the heart it can go into certain crevices deep crevices of the heart that myself i'm like i get it why there's Warnings why there's cautions about this and it's not in my in my place and in my expertise to get into the different Fickly aspects of that issue, but I can tell you even as a person who's sitting here today who's still very much Feels very impacted by music who still loves different certain types of music I can still tell you with all honesty. I really appreciate the cautions that we have In our religion regards to music. I think it's medicinal And I think we need it having said that we know that there are Certain situations where I appreciate Al Ghazali's approach of these things. There are certain situations where The concise orchestration of melody and sound is medicinal We can consider that a person needs to be even treated with song There are certain certain situations where a person already has a sound and balanced constitution If you introduce that to them, it will actually cause sickness In that person they don't need that. So why are you giving it to them? You know, then there's a type of person who's just they're fine without it So you just leave it your type of person if you give that to them, it could be actually out on for them Okay, so I would definitely say it's no doubt We live in a situation where this has a huge impact on us and again take a group effort with You know your kids are listening to music Engage them on it sit down One of the things I did was ask one of my daughters make me a playlist Make me a playlist. Let's sit down. I want to know what you're listening to Why do you like this song and some say, oh, we're just listening to the beat Now you hear the words to even if you haven't memorized ladies can recite they get in there Okay, and that's the the sound just opens up the portal for the implanting of the words Which is a lot of times the words is even more dangerous than the sound But instead of just saying a stock full on yanking the earphones out of her ear What you listening to you listen to that caffeine music You know, I didn't take that approach. What are you listening to? Is that your favorite song? Who is this artist? What are they about? What is their lifestyle about? Why do you like this song? What is the song saying get all the lyrics printed out? And I actually sat down and had full hour long listening sessions with you know My daughter and we just sat down we listened. I had all the lyrics printed And it was for her was actually the first time really seeing the lyrics like that You know, you just listened and we talked to why it was impactful I even shared songs with her as long as that were very impactful for me in my life And navigated is so then you don't feel this like You're not trying to create hypocrites in your house Okay, you don't want like the Clark Kent syndrome Okay, they look one way when they're around you to get around the corner and switch into a totally different costume You know, you don't want to raise hypocrites. So just choose that engagement and don't just make them feel like ashamed of everything Okay, there is things, you know, that shame has a place in our religion And there's a good place for it because it helps us to be people of modesty It helps us to be people of god consciousness But again, we are in a situation living in this culture in this context Where we cannot pretend like we have a force field now kids have a force field Engage them in these things with creative righteousness Engage them and find the beauty all that is a beautiful life That's great. Sometimes you hear a song and it literally makes you turn to god Literally you can hear something. It's like and it'll make you weak It changed your life. How many times have you heard stories of people I heard I was going to kill myself Then I heard that song and I did it But also the opposite you hear somebody was thinking about it They played this song because they went ahead and did it Like cypress hill song how I can just kill a man. That was a song I knew a friend he wanted to go and do something like commit harm to somebody and that's the song He would play the fuel to give him the confidence To do this violence. He played the song So it goes both ways and again, I can't tell everyone what to do in your house But just give you some advice and that is again make our goal is not to destroy our children And we literally I think we have parents who are literally destroying our children Okay, home is supposed to be a refuge Home is refuge. Home is supposed to be a place of mercy of help of aid Okay, so be there to navigate these things. Sometimes it's not just as simple You can't do this and can't do that. Sometimes you may have to put that law down like that But again most of the things especially something as sensitive and as heart capturing as music Find out what they're listening to engage them on ask them questions always again from the perspective How can I build them up make them feel honorable so that they may act Music movies and video games. You've got to know what's in there There's a lot of crazy stuff in there and there's stuff that's good So navigate with your children. What's reasonable and what's good? There's stuff that you need to absolutely stay away from absolutely and you've got to know what it is Talk to your kids about it and they get navigated. So inshallah best of luck Our thoughts are with you and and work with them One approach that I think helped us a lot when we were talking to our kids about what they were watching what they were listening to what they were doing is An example that was given in sheikh alhamdulillah. So it's purification of the heart class He talked about how the heart is like a castle and it's a castle The heart is a castle or a fortress that you need to protect and on the day of judgment It's only the people with pure hearts are going to get to enter jannah So what do we do to protect our hearts and he explained that there's seven inroads to the heart, right? There's seven Avenues the witch shaitan comes and attacks the heart. So we talked to our kids about that so the seven avenues that affect the heart are the eyes the ears the mouth the hands the feet the stomach and the genitalia and So each one of those avenues requires us to protect That path to the heart and make sure that we're not letting those things get to the heart That's going to cause it to rust and cause it to get polluted and so Whether we're looking it's what we're looking at on instagram or whether it's what we're listening to or watching on youtube We talk about okay. Well, how is this affecting the heart? Is it purifying the heart or is it actually causing it to rust? And if we are doing anything that's causing the heart to rust Then how do we remove that rust through vicar right vicar remembrance of Allah and through toba Asking Allah to forgive us and inshallah so that our kids don't despair They know that there's always a way back no matter what mistakes are made Hey, um, once had a mom come up to me after Talk and she said that her son had gone off to college And he was you know normal typical teen But when he came back he started slowly Expressing his interest in a particular genre of music Which was goth music Something that she clearly she just knew nothing about But it really bothered her began to bother her because he would wear You know like the dog What is it the studded bracelets and and sort of take on you know some of these Physical sort of expressions again of the music that he was listening to And she was really caught up and she's like, I don't know what to do I feel like you know, um, she was getting upset with him every time he would come to visit And then what would happen is he would stop visiting So I when she came to me, she was like, I don't know what to do And I said well, you know exactly like CD Hedwin said I said I think what you need to do is you need to show an interest in his music You can't if you continue to push him away and judge him and make him feel like he's doing this dirty Horrible thing by listening to this type of music Instead of trying to at least reach out and come to a place of understanding of why That music appeals to him Then you were going to lose your son and I was just very clear with her I said he's he's just not going to come on weekends anymore You're not going to see him anymore And he's going to go further further into that world Which means less into your world But the best way to keep the door of communication open is to at least express some interest and say, okay I have no idea what this music is why you like it Tell me about it. Just like CD Hedwin said, let me, you know, listen to the lyrics or read the lyrics Let me listen to this and find a way to To really kind of again bridge bridge some understanding It was I remember, you know, when she was staying there, her daughter was with her She was just kind of startled by my response It never occurred to her to do something like that She was maybe looking for a different answer like how else can I convince him And a lot of times with parents, and I'm sure Hannah might have the same experience because we both talk about parenting a lot Is that parents when they come to us for advice a lot of time It's about how can I how can I reprogram or control my child? Like help me give me a give me a quick answer to reprogram and control And for me, that's really heartbreaking because my thing is Exactly as CD Hedwin said, let's not please raise hypocrites And let's go back to the roots of our Dean, which is really about honor respect Love compassion, it shouldn't be about control parenting is not the end all of parenting is not controlling your children It's raising Responsible god Fearing god loving individuals who will carry this tradition forth But you can't do that if it's just you know looking at them like You know robots that you need to have a real control in hand all the time How about engaging with them talking with them finding ways to inculcate Respect mutual respect This is how I think we just have to have a total paradigm shift about parenting And I think a lot of our ideas of parenting are from back home cultures and the way that we were parented Which was very again authoritarian. Let's go back because that's not islamic model islamic model It's not that it's it really is about respect and love and and just understanding and so With that said inshallah, we do have A couple more questions and now you're coming through huh now at the end towards the end of this But you want us to go on why I'll take that as a compliment inshallah Um, look did we did you read these this one? So go for this one? Okay, this one So, how do you approach a father who is rigid in his being and doesn't really understand What the youth struggle with what the youth struggle with today? He wants kids to just listen because he says so One daughter wears hijab, but sometimes wears a wrap style Which is wearing but when she's home nearing home. She will change the style back She feels like he will get upset with her. How can kids find the courage to talk to them? That's an excellent question And I think fathers i'm going to let you guys handle this especially father with daughters Or both of you, but I think the father with the daughter can help us here inshallah, it's all passing She's feeling like dad. It's just like Too rigid hard to talk to you Well sister, I doesn't want you know just give it a try I want you to Have the courage To at least say to yourself. I actually tried Because as opposed to staying in a state where you feel like I just can't because he's this way Sometimes you just have to break through that say look dad I'm having a hard time talking to you But we need to talk I need to let you know That I literally sometimes change my hijab style right before I come into the house Sometimes you just have to break that bubble You have to pop that bubble Just tell them exactly like the question was presented Maybe okay, you feel like it's too intense to to go say that face to face then write it down Just like it was written and put up here Write your dad a letter And say dad, this is how we feel And again, it's always just like we're told when we want to ask a law from something There's like etiquettes to do you should praise the law Thank Allah sin prayers and the prophet Didn't ask Right because now we're opening away. Don't just start the letter saying dad, you know Don't just start Just say dad. This is your daughter. This is me I love you. I want to thank you What you've done for the house and what you've done in my life to support You know the protection you've given the provision you've helped, but I'm really hurting If really I'm struggling religiously Because if he really cares Like if you're really like baba's girl He can't help but Feel a sense Okay, maybe I need to I need to rethink Because him a lot of times you don't realize a lot of parents are just repeating the way they've been taught by their parents So we're just repeating the way we're taught and that's why again in your household you have to decide You have your own household Take the best of what you got from your parents and leave what you know was not working Don't just repeat it the same old way of doing things So maybe he's you feel too intimidated to approach him directly Go write it down, but you cannot just let that feeling simmer and fester. That's not helping Yeah So dad look If you actually have an interest in helping your daughter Make it in this life And the next Just take a deep breath Realize that you are not where You know ultimate control In charge and judgment Okay, the fact is your kids are going to make sense Sometimes we have that's one of the first things we have to come to terms with As parents trying to raise religious children your kids are going to do some sins Okay That's why we have such a beautiful Again, it goes back to having principles to fall back on The prophet peace be upon him said and translated as keep God in mind wherever you are Follow a wrong with the right that offsets it and treat people courteously Plus Treat people courteously That hadith I just love it so much is from the Translated and compiled in the book the content of character, which is one of my Primary books. I hope at the end of this we'll get into sharing some actual resources That have really been we've each found really helpful one of them from my household has been the prophetic Character the content of character. Sorry the content of character Translated by shea humza yusuf The full version and the copy book So they have a full length book and then they have a summarized book that shea humza's sister produced Just selections. It even has the hadith in arabic in english So you can copy it in english copy in arabic and memorize Okay, but they're foundational Hadith that I just love because they're all Hadith about character and that particular one that I've just mentioned I have it posted on the wall. It's in my house. It's also in my office Keep God in mind wherever you are and follow a wrong with the right that offsets it You're going to do wrong, but don't be stuck in shame and guilt Do something bad follow it up Do something that offsets it and then at the end of it what does it say and treat people earnestly God it's so easy to leave that out. Just be nice Just dad be nice nice Okay, how do you how do you feel when whoever treated you the way you're treating them? Just how did you feel about that? Okay, and you'll be surprised you have a lot of parents holding in a lot of trauma themselves And they're just passing on the trauma Okay, so that's what i'm advising like look I have I I believe most parents actually generally do care about their kids at the end of the day Okay, so for that sister again, just try writing your thoughts out, but be blunt Okay start nicely Make your parent feel loved and honored But look there's something happens not working for me and it's driving me crazy And it's potentially driving me out of this religion You think your your dad wants you to leave as long he's that particular do you think he wants you to leave it? no So be frank You know if you can't talk to him that way That's tough But I believe you can do it just try it, you know my my own daughter is here one of them Is here and you know I try to make it an open right? Dialogue if I've said something that didn't sit to right I said you got to let me know And she does said as long as you talk to me still with respect With dignity Please feel free to speak up for yourself Defend yourself. Let me know I don't have it all worked out guaranteeing as a work in progress It's on the job training Okay, we're still trying to figure it out, but I don't want to traumatize my kids I don't want to be the means of my kids leaving Islam And for a lot of people it's their parents I've just heard a story before I came here and brother was telling me, you know my wife She uses the Quran as the hammer He said my daughter told me she hates Quran Because when she thinks of one even she hears it now She thinks about how every time she did something bad Her mom would just turn it up really really loud in the house and blast it. He said law is going to get you So disturbing, but I'm glad you brought that up because we're right here the story Of a girl that came up to me after one of the talks And she you know sometimes people will come up and they'll use the my friend is going through Something Like lying. I don't know if she was speaking about herself. I love a lot. I'm like this was truly her friend But she said that her she was 13 years old young girl And she said, um, I'm really scared. My friend has been cutting herself and she um has suicidal ideation She's thinking suicide. I don't know what to do. How can I help her? And I said what's going on? Please explain and she said her Ever since she was a young girl from the age of three She um her mom has been very difficult on her In terms of her religious practice and she um One of the things that she would do is chase her around the house If she would to make mistakes reciting quran I want you to imagine a three-year-old toddler Memorizing maybe surat al-ighlas or some you know one of the shorter suras And because she made a mistake her mom would run around the house with a knife in her hand scaring her So this poor girl has trauma from from young age and all through up until she's 13 out 10 years of this kind of Life and she she was forced to wear hijab and then she would leave the house without it But she got to a point where in middle school. She's done. She wants to check out and her Coping mechanism was to self harm and cut and now she's speaking of suicide. This is a serious stuff for a while I mean, I you know, I was of course Shocked and overwhelmed when she was telling me this and I gave her some advice but I just I've always thought back on that story as far as how We can as city hundred said we can really destroy children when we don't ourselves have the right balance So back to this question or you know as far as it's really about balance if you Approach your children's practice with that sort of iron fist and you want to you know constantly Shut down conversations. Do as I say do as I say do as I say You're destroying the line of communication between you and your children and what is the positive end of that? Yeah, you might get someone who out of fear capitulates to what you want and and what you demand in the moment But as city hundred said if you've just created someone who all the blood Becomes accustomed to living a double life You know or or you know just finding ways to wear different masks based on The circumstance or situation you have essentially destroyed their spiritual journey So we have to be very careful as parents with how the expectations that we have of our children to be realistic to be practical Practical to be fair And to pace ourselves and them is slam came in 23 years. It didn't come overnight And and they had and this was during time when the professor was alive. He was there. He he Would you know they witnessed miracles and yet it took so long for the dean to be complete and for many people to actually Really come to uh, you know to to full you know full circle with their practice of being people were still You know having adultery and committing sin and fornicating and doing all sorts of thing while the process and almost with them So what are we doing here at 2019 when we have our children bombarded with every message that says don't you know Basically forget god and then we are creating households like this. It's just it's it's insane So we have to really step back I think and and look at ourselves And that's why you know when I was doing my parenting sessions here at At mcc one of the first points that I tried to make actually during every session was that parenting Uh really starts with us as parents, you know, sometimes we think it's always just about how do I you know How do I guide my children? But it really comes back to us. Are we fit guides? Are we the right guides? Can we do this or not? You know, uh, the professor says hadith, you know Every one of us is a shepherd and we're all responsible for our flock What is a shepherd? Am I a qualified shepherd? Do I even know how to lead a flock? Do I know the role and if you don't know the role Get to know the role first before you start, you know falling into this Hype of becoming a parent and and that's you know, that's a whole other conversation For the young generation about you know, wanting to get married and wanting to sort of start, you know Getting having a family right away whole, you know, just slow down a little bit prepare prepare prepare Before you take on that role because this isn't a man out. You have souls that you're responsible for so Um, you know just balance. It's so important Masha'Allah. So we have so many um really good, uh, you know questions here and comments I want to I think because in the interest of time, uh, want to make sure that we um, just Hit some of these or or get to everything that we can there was a comment here from one of the Kids and I want to honor this This question because Masha'Allah Yes, yeah, let's try to be as brief exactly Yeah, exactly speed. Thank you. So I'm going to try to go as fast as possible too Um, this question or a comment came from uh, someone in the audience who said that Whenever my mom drives me to school. She's slow sometimes I have no problem because my school bell schedule is good for me The problem is that I wonder what people think Masha'Allah my mom wears a hijab But if people see my mom driving slow and wearing a hijab, I think those people might hate Muslims I heard many people like Muslims, but if they see a Muslim driving really slow in front of them They might change their minds of liking Muslims. What should I do whenever my mom drives slow again? Thank you for the child who wrote this. It's such a sweet question. May Allah bless you Your concern is valid. You know, uh, you're worried obviously about protecting your mom's image, but also the global Muslim Community, thank you on behalf of a woman who wears hijab for being so concerned Uh, very sweet of you. I think you know, I'm not sure why your mom drives slow if she has Maybe fear or trepidation driving some moms, you know, they might have had an accident God forbid or something in their past that makes them a little bit more cautious But maybe if you could Talk about this with your mom and just let her know that you're worried about how people at school are observing her And maybe that it might affect, you know, because I mean the reason why I say your concern is very valid Is because there are people who are very unhinged. Unfortunately in our society, you know car You know road rage is real when people don't get what they want while they're driving because they need to get somewhere They can be very very Unhinged and and there are people they've caused accidents. They've harmed people. They've literally shot people And I'm not trying to scare anybody But I think there's valid concerns of worrying if someone might react To a slow driver when you know, if they're going really slow and again, I don't know all the details But if that is a concern of yours, I think you should have a conversation with your mom And tell her how you feel if she's here in the audience and you think you know that this is your child speaking Then just maybe talk to someone about your fear of driving It might be something that you need to work on personally, you know There's some fears there that you have to overcome and then, you know, have Encourage dialogue further with your child about his beautiful question. Thank you. I'll um, oh, sorry We still have more questions. So i'm going to actually uh refer one to or read from one of the questions that we got From our survey There was a question about a teenager who really wanted to get a job But um, his parents were or her parents were not on board. They were resisting. They were not letting them You have a job. So, uh, do any do any of the panelists want to take that on? Yeah So so real quickly, I mean, uh, what I in for if you read it is that it's a it's a girl Who wants to get a job? I think um, you know in this society we Our culturally we have Sort of over protective Inclinations towards our children and that's kind of a theme that's coming out But the children have their own personalities their own some are outgoing some are ambitious um, some people want to have their own, um You know sort of freedom with money in their pocket So this is a valid issue that that could be any one of those things that this Child is feeling that you know, I want to have some freedom. Maybe money is tight in the family And I want to have a little bit of freedom to buy the things that I want Hopefully it's not rap records, you know, but um The child has a need to sort of grow outside the house and some children are very comfortable in the home And some children have this personality They want to kind of explore the boundaries of of what they're doing as they get older So I want to keep the quite the answer real short But we we need to watch from being over protective if it's something that isn't breaking the dean Is within reason, you know within commute and doesn't put Your child in danger or they're not selling alcohol or doing any haram it will probably help them Like like learning a specific subject They may want to go towards business or be doing something artsy But you should let that child a little bit They're letting you know that they want to explore the world in a different way And you should let that child within reason have their Boundary expanded as long as they can be trusted and they can be safe It also teaches them very good values about earning money and knowing the value of a dollar and how much it How much you have to work in order to buy, you know an iphone or coffee and how you waste it These are things that they need to learn. So inshallah, I think the advice I would give is to Is to loosen the boundaries. Yeah and have an agreement about Yeah maintain a gpa. I think that's great 10% of your income might be going towards sadaka. What are you going to do with your money? Half of it's going to go into savings. Half of it you can spend on certain things Those kinds of things, you know, I think I think it requires a family meeting and a negotiation But I think the child is asking for something very reasonable And the parents should be open to doing that and making sure that they grow in the right way I think I'm proud of the child for wanting to expand a little bit Yeah, and the parents get better gifts, right We're going to take one more question and then inshallah what I'd like to do is How many of you actually looked at the survey questions that we put out for the teens? Yeah, just okay We have results from those that I think we should we'd like to disclose to you Just to again leave you really thinking, you know It's simply the thought about the gravity and the seriousness Of many of the issues that our teens are facing because sometimes they they don't have the opportunity or they're not comfortable talking about certain things With the adults in their life, but on an anonymous survey, they might they they actually do When they do participate they reveal things to us and we should all all of us in this room Should really reflect on what's going on in their world just to at least To to become more aware and to inshallah increase in our empathy So I'm going to get to those and then inshallah will end at that point but before that the last question which I think um, it would have been I missed it until now, but I really think it's it's a relevant one because a lot of our young girls Do struggle with this and it's relevant to our discussion with social media and the influence that it has over So many of our teens But one issue or topic that I know I've heard a lot from our young girls Are related to body image and and self-confidence and issues of beauty. So the question is how do I? Convince my daughter that she isn't ugly. She's constantly comparing herself to celebrities and influencers Beauty influencers, that's what it references to no matter what she does. She never thinks she's good enough And this is you know a very deep issue that a lot of our youth are girls are dealing with they're dealing with body image like I said and just self-confidence issues because of the magnification of of of sort of of everything really about teen life When it comes to social media everything is on display, right? And and people and these kids feel like they have to put it on display And if it's not good enough compared to so-and-so Then they don't get it as many likes and that destroys their confidence and morale So there's a lot of um, you know, it's just so many layers to this, but I'm going to turn to um, You know what's in it? Yeah, he wants. Okay, Michelle I'm I'm going to put this again on the dad's One of the things I have seen across the board with the most confident young women that I know Who have really strong positive Body image they have strong self-esteem. They Know who they are. They're unapologetic Muslims One of the things I've seen across the board with all of these young women is that they have very very strong positive relationships with their fathers and The fathers have been investing in their daughters from a very young age and I know of a young girl who Her dad has taken her out to brunch once a week Since she was a little girl and when they were little when she was little, you know Maybe there was no big exciting conversations, but it was time just being spent together now the daughters in college and She openly will tell her dad if she has a crush on a guy or if she's Interested in somebody or she's got questions about marriage proposals that are coming her way and the dad is You know being taken into confidence and one of the things this young woman once told me is That had a big impact on her as she once felt uncomfortable around a certain uncle in the community and that uncle was a good friend of her fathers and She just mentioned it to her dad. The uncle hadn't done anything. It was just kind of a sixth sense that she fought around him and She told her dad that you know I just feel uncomfortable around uncle so-and-so or whatever and she expected her dad to defend him To tell her not to think like that to make not you know make any kind of assumptions But instead she said her father said to her always trust your instincts when it comes to men and That really had a huge impact on her and so there have been valuable conversations happening with the father over the years But getting back to the original point these young women who I admire who don't seem to be following the greater trend of light Wanting to change the way they look and wanting to use a hundred different cultures before they post a picture and worrying about what guys think about them Across the board these young women have very strong relationships with their fathers and if there isn't a father in the picture They have an uncle or an older brother or A grandfather somebody who takes time out to be with them and the mother has made sure that there is a strong father figure In the daughter's life and dr. Leonard sacks talks about this in the book girls on the edge He said that Girls in high school who don't engage in premarital sexual relations who don't engage in risky behaviors who don't Engage in drug experimentation smoking cigarettes He said across the board with those girls had in common Was they had a father who showed up to all of their events A father who showed up to their spelling bees and their sporting events and their you know cheerleading tryouts Whatever so same thing if there isn't a father than an uncle or a grandfather or An older brother somebody who's a mentor to the young woman letting her know that she's valued Oh, yeah, I have a friend who uh grew up in a small town Where there weren't many muslims and she and her siblings Grew up to the amazing muslims. Mashallah and her father is a very pious man who every town he ever lived in Would build a musjid there and they're very respected in the community and I asked her once how was it that you Doing your siblings grew up to be such amazing muslims considering that you grew up in this little town where There were no muslims around you pretty much. How did you how did you not get sucked in by the siren called the culture around you? and she said I love this quote of hers. She said when you feel love in the home You don't look for it. You feel love in the home. You don't look for anywhere else and she felt that from a strong note It's exactly 5 30 And I will not keep you much longer. I want to thank you all again for being here I'm just gonna keep you over the results of the survey So the questions if you didn't see them A lot of them are pretty heavy subjects if you have young children We don't want them to hear these subjects and I invite you to please have them leave the room Oh, sorry. Yeah for the parents who are okay with it. Then I um, you know They can remain inshallah, but I just want to give you that sort of Disclaimer in the beginning. So the questions that we asked teens This was specifically for teens to to give us their answers anonymously How often are you exposed to or do you hear about depression in an average week at school? we had um Masha'Allah 37 and a half percent Say that at least once a week or once a week they they They get exposed to that 25% Um, also responded four times a week Um, 12 and a half. So there's mashallah. I'm sorry. Wait. I might be actually Yeah, I apologize. Just 37 and a half percent said once a week. So let's focus on just the bigger numbers Have you ever been offered drugs at school? 50% uh responded? Yes Yes, 50 How many times have you been offered drugs at school? Um, at least one time 75% of the respondents at least once So three times was 12 and a half percent and five times was 12 and a half percent. So this is, you know Have you ever been in but have you ever been invited to view pornography at school? 25% of the How frequently have you been invited to view pornography in an average week 100% of the respondents said at least once Once you did they Have you ever been invited to engage in any type of sexual behavior at school? 12 and a half percent said yes Have you ever been invited by the same gender? But all the respondents said no to that. Um, how often are you exposed to or do you hear about suicide in an average week at school? 62 and a half percent said at least once 12 and a half percent said twice 12 and a half percent said three times and then 12 and a half percent said five times This is during a school week No, this was a matter of how often you hear about suicide. So 60 yeah Yeah, it's about yeah in an average weekend Do you know someone or or do you know someone or more than one person who regularly cuts or engages in self-harm? 37 and a half and a half percent said yes How many times have you heard about someone at school who wants to change their identity? One one time Or at least one time is 25 percent 12 and a half percent or is at least two times 25 percent at least three times 12 and a half percent four at least four times 12 and a half percent at least five times Um 25 percent at least six times And then 12 and a half percent at least seven times Hear this nobody said no. This is a matter of changing their identity. This is how often they hear this So these were we we kept it to these issues because these are the issues that we in our Line of work and what we do in terms of our engagement with the community We hear these issues a lot And we wanted the teens to actually give us their feedback about what they experience so that we can again Bring this to our to everybody's attention to all of our attention Become more aware that these are the things that our teens are struggling with And that's why these types of discussions are so so important um And inshallah if we're able to do more panels like this and mcc puts out surveys I really hope that our families out there will take that seriously and actually Ask their children to participate in those surveys and to give us more feedback because The best way for us to to heal is to be able to at least recognize where the harm is where the Where the pain is where the suffering is if we just turn a blind eye and pretend like everything's going to be fine And miracles are just going to happen We're going to actually Really be in for uh, some very unpleasant god forbid issues coming up in our community and our family mail up with tech All of you and all of our children Um, I want to again thank all of our amazing panelists for their wonderful insights throughout this um This panel i'm sure we all have learned Which is okay. We'll get into all of you any parting words or remarks from anybody before we make sure I just wanted to um End the session by just reminding everybody that Parenting feels overwhelming and sometimes we find ourselves feeling really disappointed by What our aspirations were what our hopes and goals were and then seeing the results maybe not being what we had hoped for and I think it's Really really important for us all to remember that the wheel is still turning if the story's not over Right, the person who's on top today could be on the bottom tomorrow and the person on the bottom could be on the top tomorrow and What we all want for our children and for ourselves is for snow hatima a beautiful ending and we want um To die with the shahada on their lips and in their hearts and with their iman intact And that all begins first and foremost with dua everyone should just be praying for protection And for alas panathala to put baraka and tofiq in our time with our children and nobody should be despairing because um in the end No one loves our children more than alas panathala We don't love our kids more than he does and they are in his protection And we just pray that we can fulfill the roles that alas panathala the responsibility that alas panathala has given us And let's all pray for each other. We're all in it together just in conclusion I did want to always like to leave Takeaways some some tangible that I did pretty much everything i've been talking about I didn't give a lot of citations specific verses for on and specific But everything I've said It's it's inspired from those sources um textual sources and also living sources That I've had the good fortune But I did want to mention a couple of specific Uh textual resources that has been that have been very very helpful My life personally in my family's life. That is the book our master Muhammad So just write down the book our master Muhammad Salaam that you can get from any bookstore You can get from the zaytuna college bookstore just that title our master A lot of the cure for what we're going to is literally falling in love with the Salaam and it takes work But that's one of the books that I've found that really Just growing the Prophet Salaam's life In character specifically It just really brought it to life in a very special way and that's a book that we read Completely as a family Also the book being muslim which I was happy to see that there's a Converts to have a book club and they're going through the book being muslim by dr. Asad tarson. May god bless him That book I think every muslim should have that not just converts. It's a great book I went to that book We went through that as a family from beginning to end and it's awesome The other book is the purification of the heart book by our dear sheikh hamza yusuf and he got blessed in his family Because you got to know what you're made of what is this thing we call the soul? What is its properties? What lowers it? What elevates it? Knowing those basic principles is at the root. You know, that's that's where you start The other one is the muslim supplications Throughout the day and night those things literally how you start your day and In particular at the car that you should say in different situations. That is essential It literally has been an indispensable aid for myself as a converse one of the first books that I was given supplications for the night and day what you say in these different situations and it really really has been helpful to You say you don't you don't know when we're going to die or how We don't we don't have control over that But we can at least People that far so that when we do go we can feel comfortable that ourselves and our children inshallah with people of ticket when they went out also takes some tajwee with kari amar or Say there was my hussaini there. We have many people our community. We love A qualified in teaching the science of tajwee. That's something I regret not sticking with As a convert it's something I started and I stick with Late right But get that in your system to be fluent in reciting his word and then after that we look on the meaning the meaning Finally, I just wanted to remind everybody that islam is not an annihilator of culture um, we're Living this thing called the west and western culture and you hear about Islamic culture and western culture It always feels like there's this tension. Sometimes there are areas where there are clear Lines of tension that are understandable But islam does have bring its own aspects of culture in terms of its own unique practices Ideologies and so forth But there's also good things in the culture that we find ourselves in and islam is not meant to just Do away with all of that. It's an enhancer of culture So one of the big remedies I found for youth and even parents is just get a hobby Find a hobby find something else. Some people think the only expression of islam is the rituals The prayer reading quran. There's other things you can do and by doing them with a certain intention They become devotional acts or the they elevate those things So find hobbies that you all can enjoy and do as a family collecting things Fishing hunting whatever it is my family for instance, we all enjoy star wars So my family we cosplay we all literally have custom homemade Jedi outfits We have custom lightsabers even custom lightsabers that have islamic calligraphy inscribed in them That have the bismillah and the sound font of the lightsaber Like we really we take it serious So but that's something we enjoy We already have Jedi like outfits naturally with these jazz and like the outfit this brother has on long robes All he just needs a lightsaber on the side. That's it But we have something we enjoy and we mix with a whole other community of star wars fans and cosplayers as muslim And they love that Many people have been exposed to aspects of our practice through that that meeting Okay, so get a hobby don't get some Legos. That's another thing we do. We love buying Lego sets We build Lego sets together as a family my wife my daughters We build things together because that ties into my little mantra, right? Our way is to build up not tear down and I feel that by building Legos we're interacting with that metaphor So please don't feel any sense of despair That's only a quality of the devil the devil gave up all all she thought I had to do is say Sorry when he made his mistake. So we don't want to take that quality It's a beautiful thing to be muslim It's a beautiful thing that a lot gave us life period So let's make the best of it and try to make it easy on one another. Let's treat each other how we want a lot to treat us You know, we want a lot to be gentle and merciful than be merciful and gentle With each other our children are a trust and we just need to beg the Lord daily to give us success This trust and to make it easy And to everybody who's called in Written in and given us questions. This may a lot heal everybody and give everybody what we need Make it easy for us and give us off Yeah Yeah, I do have a duo as a matter of fact I will tell you This is my favorite duo and I hope somebody comes up and takes a picture of this This is what I call the superhero power-up duo Because we're also living in a culture where superheroes is very popular We know what a big, you know, Avengers movie is coming up Avengers in-game But for us we have a different idea of what the in-game actually looks like But when I read this duo, it's an authentic duo I felt like this duo is like It's like a hidden treasure that a loss sent down But whoever really wants to get it Okay, because you don't hear it really cited a lot especially like this. It's it's called the supplication for light It's an authentic supplication and the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam As recited it in a few different with a few different variants and um One of the scholars has compiled all those versions of the supplication of light into one So I will close with the supplication for light. That's very important for myself Oh Allah place in our hearts light And on our tongues light And in our ears light And in our sight light And above us light And below us light And to our right light And to our left light And before us light And behind us light Place in our souls light Magnify for us light And amplify for us light Make for us light and make us light Oh Allah grant us light And place in our nerves light And in our body light and in our blood light And in our hair light and in our skin light Oh God make for us a light in our grave And a light in our bones increase us in light increase us in light increase us in light Grant us light upon light me Let there be light may the force be with you Allah and the Muhammad in light sallallahu alayhi wa sallam sallam And there's a book here if anybody wants to take a picture of it called positive parenting in the Muslim home it's a book I recommend for establishing routines and communication methods So I'll make it everybody. Thank you again for coming out. I just like to walk ahead and sit down and want to make them