 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show. Produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure. Juckles with a carload and music by Matty Malnick. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, but Abbott and Lou Costello. What are you doing with those boxing gloves? I'm gonna enter the Golden Gloves Tournament. I've been training. You a price fighter? Yes, I'm known as Butcher Boy Costello. Butcher Boy Costello? Yes, I gave my opponent a lift to the heart, a right to the kidneys, a lift to the chops, and a right cross to the short ribs. And then? He knocked me on my pot roast. You don't even look like a fighter. Being strong is all in the mind, you know, Costello. It is? Sure. You have to think strong. Think of Atlas, and you'll have a shape like him. Think of Hercules, and you'll have a shape like his. That method won't work with me, Abbott. Why not? I keep thinking of Rita Hayworth. I... What do you think will happen to you if you got knocked around and got punched, drunk, and goofy? I can always be a straight man like you. Sure, you can. Hey, look! How do you think you'd look with a cauliflower ear? A mushroom nose and a squash face. I'd be the only guy in Hollywood with a built-in home garden. Costello, you're a moron. What's that? You're a moron. That's enough, Abbott. One more word out of you, and I'll fight. It is? That ain't the word. Costello, you're in a crash with an imbecile. I know. Want me to help you out with your homework? I'll get them out of here. What happened to you? What happened? Yeah. You know what happened? What? I don't get a chance to do nothing on the show. Oh, stop. Oh, I went to that quiz show. Truth or coincidences? Oh. They asked me a question. When I didn't give them the answer, they hit me over the head with a crowbar and ripped my clothes off and hit me in the face with a pine squid or dirty water all over me. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, but the joke was on them. It was? Mm-hmm. I knew the answer all the time. You should quit hanging around quiz shows trying to win something for nothing. You want to get yourself a job and go to work. I tried to. I started to be a bartender. I went to the bartender school for two years and I still can't get a job. Why not? I can't fix a television set. I thought so. You're just stupid. Your whole family is stupid. Oh, how can you say that? My uncle Mike is a very brilliant man. He invented the cotton gin, the telephone, and the steamboat. What about Whitney? Bell and Fulton? Leave the Andrews' sisters out of this. What is your uncle Mike doing now, Lou? He's part-time lifeguard at the Del Mar Hotel swimming pool. Are you kidding? Uncle Mike can't even swim. That's why he's only working part-time. He had a lot of trouble with Aunt May last week. He did? Yeah, he got her a new set of false teeth and he told her not to take them out. He begged her not to take them out. He pleaded with her not to take them out, but she did. And what happened? Her head collapsed. Well, your aunt May is quite a woman, Lou. She raised quite a family. Oh, yes. Three years ago at the Paterson Fair, she won first prize for having the most little boys in one family. She had 15 little boys. Mm-hmm. What was first prize? A little boy. A little boy. Never mind that. Whatever happened to your aunt May's younger sister? Well, she graduated from high school this year and she's so excited she's going to Harvard. Harvard? Harvard is a boy school. Yeah, that's why she's so excited. She's going to Harvard. That's ridiculous. None of your family ever went to college. Is that so? I'm taking a night course right now at UCLA. Well, no, I'm glad to hear that. In other words, that's Euclid. Euclid? Well, that's regarding UCLA. I'm glad to hear it, Lou. How are you making out? Not so good. Monday night, the teacher asked each pupil to bring something that would show what they want to be when they get out of school. Well, now, that sounds interesting. Yeah, one guy wanted to be a policeman, so he brought a button off a policeman's uniform. One girl wanted to be a nurse, so she brought a button off a nurse's uniform. Another guy wanted to be a fireman, so he brought a button off a fireman's uniform. What did you bring? Nothing. Why not? I wanted to be married. How are you going to get a button off of that? You want to be married. You don't know the first thing about marriage. You don't even know what it takes to make a marriage. I do so. It only takes two people to make a marriage. Well, that's right. A single girl and an anxious mother. Right. As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a three-ring circus. What do you mean a three-ring circus? Well, first, the engagement ring. Yes. Then the wedding ring. Yes. And then suffering. Oh, stop. Are you still going with that striptease dancer at the burlase show? Oh, sure. Every night, I bring her three roses. Does she wear them? She has to. It's her custom. What about that new girl that moved into the apartment next to you? Well, I tell you, I had a date with her and she's a bachelor girl. Well, what makes you think she's a bachelor girl? She looks more like a bachelor than she does a girl. What girl is she, Lou? But asking a girl's age is like buying a used car. What do you mean? Well, you know, the speedometer has been set back, but you don't know how far. Where did you take her on the date? Well, we went to a soda fountain and had one of those fancy dishes. You know, ice cream and bananas? Split? No, I paid the whole check. All right. Well, she doesn't sound like the kind of girl for you, Castella. Tell me, do you still date that cute little blonde from a moment? Oh, sure. I had a date to go horseback riding with her last night. You did? Yes, we rode along through the moonlight. It was beautiful. Her horse was nuzzling my horse. My horse was nuzzling her horse. Ah, must have been fun. It was for the horses. My girl didn't show up. I guess she saw it in me because I bought her mother a girdle and her mother got mad, too. Well, what size does her mother wear? Small, medium or large? Oh, no, no, no. Women's girdles don't come in those sizes at it. They don't? Oh, no, no. What sizes do they come in? Large, larger, and here comes the showboat. Hello, Uncle Bud. Hello, Uncle Louis. It's a habit, sniff you folks. I left orders with the doorman not to let you win. Now, how did you get past him? I held your script under his nose and then stepped over his body. There must be a way to keep this guy out of here. Now, I've got it. I'll hypnotize him. Come over here, Norman. Oh, now, wait a minute, Castella. What are you going to do to him? I'm going to hypnotize him and put him to sleep. Look me straight in the eye, Norman. Okay, you're going to sleep. Abba-dabba, sleep. Abba-dabba, sleep. Abba-dabba, sleep. I think it's working, Uncle Louis. It is? Yeah, my abba-dabba is asleep. Now, you lay off, Norman. He's my sister, Olive's boy. And Olive's a very lovely person and a big woman in this town. I notice that your sister, Olive, is built like the state of Indiana. Just what do you mean? She has a large south bend. My sister, Olive is a leader of society. Before she moved to Hollywood, she was the rage of Kansas City. Your sister, Olive would throw any city into a rage. She came to the right place when she came to Hollywood. She's a typical Hollywood girl. What do you mean? A Hollywood girl at 30 has wrinkles. At 35, she has gray hair. And at 40, she becomes a blonde and starts all over again. Say what you want about my sister, Olive, but she's a very well-educated woman. She's a college graduate. And she has a sheepskin. I notice that. She ought to try using Jurgen's lotion. You know, you have no business ridiculing my family. Now, last week you were picking on my wife. My wife comes from one of the finest families in California. She's a Tracy. Any relation with Dick Tracy? Certainly not. Certainly not. Dick Tracy is a character in a comic book. Your wife is no oil painting. Hey, look, Costello is our secretary. Viola Vaughn. Well, Viola, Viola, Viola, Viola. You certainly look lovely tonight. What is that you're wearing? Oh, do you like it? This is my nightclub dress. Nightclub dress? Don't you get it, Abbott? No cover. No cover. Oh, Viola, gorgeous tonight. You and I would make a lovely pair. We'd be just like a couple of lovebirds. Would we? Oh, I'll show you. First, I put one wing around you like this. Then I put my other wing around you like this. Then I put, then I beak up close to your beak. Then I coo softly. What do I do? Don't stand there, Viola. Drop a worm in his mouth. I'm serious about her. And you're not. Why, Viola, I'd bring you the moon on a silver platter. Oh, that's wonderful, Abbott. How about you, Castella? Would you bring me the moon on a silver platter? Would I look like a waiter? The moon on a silver platter is a poetic expression, like they're using song. Oh, you know I wrote a song about the moon? A very beautiful thing, too. Oh, what's the name of it? I call it Carolina Moon. What are you doing over Glendale? Stop, Castella. You know nothing about writing songs. Oh, I not only write songs, I sing them. Why, when I was in kindergarten every morning, I would get up in front of the class and sing Rock-A-Buy-Baby all the way through. Oh, that was marvelous. Yeah, it was nothing to it. I was 21 years old at the time. You know any other songs, Castella? Oh, every night I lay in bed and I sing an Irish lullaby. Tural, lull, lull, lull, lull, lull, lull, lull, lull, lull. Does that put you to sleep, Castello? Certainly. You don't think I'd stay awake and listen to howling here. Well, I saw you last night, Costello. I saw you. You had a cat on a leash. And that certainly is a funny-looking cat. Is he yours? Yes, he's mine. He's a football cat. I call him first down. What do you name the cat first down? Every night, he's got 10 yards to go. Well, instead of being out walking a cat on a leash, a boy your age ought to be out with a girl. Well, I like cats better. They're smarter than girls anyway. What makes you say the cats are smarter than girls? Well, no matter how a girl tries, she can't wash her face with her tongue. Pay no attention to them, Viola. Why don't you come over and see the preview of our new picture, Viola? I do some love scenes in the picture, and I want you to see my fade-out kiss. You mean she'll see your faded-out kisser. Anyway, Viola has got a date with me. Well, I don't think I'm going to keep it, Costello. Why not? Well, last Sunday, he took me riding, and he insisted I wear a riding habit. Naturally. Monday, he took me hiking, and he insisted I wear a hiking suit. Naturally. Tuesday, he took me to dinner, and he insisted I wear a dinner gown. Well, why are you breaking the date tonight? Tonight, he wants to take me to a birthday party. Well, that did it. It's been a lot of fun, and it's been a beautiful evening up to now, Mabel. Mabel? My name is Viola. Well, whatever your name is, it's certainly been fun. Get him out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, Abbott and I heard a young singer in New York several weeks ago, and we liked him very much, and we brought him back to Hollywood to join our show. And here he is, and we hope you like him, too, Hal Winters. To be done about the parking conditions around this studio, tonight I couldn't see a parking space in front of the studio and back of the studio, or even across the street from the studio. Could be worse. What do you mean? Abbott, suppose you had a car? Yeah. Oh, never mind that. Did your uncle Mike drive you down here tonight? No, my uncle Mike just took his California driver's test today. You should have seen him. He got in the car with the inspector, back into a truck, bumped into a streetcar, and then he crashed into a stone wall. Did he pass? We won't know until next Wednesday. Why not? That's the day the inspector gets out of the hospital. Did your uncle Mike go to see his favorite program, What's Doing Ladies? Yes, and there was a line in front of that studio two blocks long. Never mind that. How did he like What's Doing Ladies? I don't know. By the time he got in, they were through doing it. I don't know. You know, your uncle Mike is an ignoramus. He ought to get himself an education. Yeah, she's got one, Abbott. Why, 10 years ago, uncle Mike was a garbage collector without an education. Then he went to night school, and he graduated. And what a difference that made in him. What does he know? A garbage collector with an education. Well, never mind him, Castella. What is your Sam Schubert detective story for tonight? It's a fascinating case, Abbott. I call it the case of the curb stone murder or Gertie, get out of the gutter and let the water go by. Sounds intriguing. Let's get on with the case. Yeah, let's do that. And now the makers of Smudge Pot cigarettes present the further adventures of Sam Shovel Private Detective. But first, a word about our product, Smudge Pot cigarettes. Smudge Pots are the only cigarettes that contain no nicotine, no harmful tars, no tobacco. These cigarettes are made only from the finest domestic and Turkish towel. And remember our slogan, Smudge Pots are the only cigarettes that contain alum. Our slogan is, Pucker while you puff. Go to your cigar store tonight. They will give you a package of Smudge Pots for nothing. The package has no sharp edges. Take them home and throw them in your dresser. What a cigarette. So free, so easy on the drawers. And now to the adventures of Sam Shovel, Private Detective. Yes, I'm Sam Shovel Private Detective. I'm sitting in my little office looking at my new office safe. This time I got a real office safe. When I go home at night, I lock my office in it. I see a piece of string around my finger. Suddenly I remember what it's for. It's to remind me to take the string off my finger. I reach in my pocket for my tobacco. There's a big hole in my pocket. That's the last time I'll buy chewing tobacco. I always choose a hole in my pocket. This detective racket is plenty tough. You've got to work in all kinds of weather. Just listen to that wind howling outside. I'll give you that if you'll give me this. I'll give you this if you'll give me that. It's a trade wind. It was such a nice night as this that I was called to solve the famous farm yard murder. A Finnish farmer had cut off his hired man's head. He hid it in the alfalfa. What a tough case. It was like finding a noodle in a haystack. I decide to shave. I lather my face. The razor hums through my whiskers. St. Louis woman with all her diamond ring. I always use Gillette blues blades. I decide to doll up a little in case a client should come in. I put on my swallowtail coat. I take it off. Seems silly for a man my age to wear a coat made of swallowtail. I notice the headline in the morning paper. The country is in a strange position. On the next page it says eggs are going up. Chickens must be in a strange position, too. Suddenly the phone rings. Hello? Yes, this is Sam, shovel the detective. Somebody that wants me to handle the case. Yes? No. No, I can't work that cheap. No, no, you know my price. What's that? 5,000? OK, I'll take the case. Right, 5,000. But remember, all touchy rolls, no jelly beans. I thought of my friend, Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad. I might get him to help me on this case. Some people think Lieutenant Abbott has a screw loose in his head, but I know different. I tighten that screw in his head only yesterday. One thing I will say for Lieutenant Abbott, he knows his onions. He can walk in any vegetable store and say, that's an onion. But he's a real cop. Abbott don't know the meaning of the word intimidation. That's only one of a million words. He don't know the meaning of it. Hello, same shovel. It's my pal, Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad. Sam, I'd like to leave my new cow hide briefcase in your office. That's a pretty briefcase, Lieutenant. Yeah, it's genuine cow hide. Open it. Moo. The cow is still hiding in it. There's a picture of your wife in a tube. She looks kind of different in this picture. It's her hair. She's wearing a page boy. Don't you look nice? It's hard to tell. The page boy's feet are hanging down over her face. Enough of this nonsense, Sam. The cops caught an old friend of yours last night. Shirley, the shoplifter. Beautiful Shirley, the shoplifter. I once trail her through a department store, through the shoe department, through the jewelry department, the furniture department, then I caught her in men's underwear. This is serious, Sam. Shirley is in the prison hospital. She's unconscious. She keeps moaning, Harry. Harry! Harry! You must be in the state of Como. Sam, if you want to see Shirley alive, we'd better get over to the hospital at once. Let's go. We arrived at the hospital. We were walking down the corridor. I was reading the signs on the door. Dr. Kildare, surgery, back in 10 minutes. Dr. Nicholls, surgery, back in 15 minutes. Dr. Condon, hergery, back in 20 years. Sam, here comes the doctor who's taking care of Shirley, the shoplifter. He looks like a phony to me. I heard that young man. I'll have you know that I've operated on over 300 patients and I never lost a single one of them. You didn't? No, I know where each one of them is buried. Doctor, can we go in and see Shirley now? Yes, but don't stay too long, please. The patient must not have too much excitement. Why not? How do I know? All the radio doctors say that. My goodness. Aren't you Sam Shovel, the detective? That's me. Man, from the looks of you, you need medical attention. Shovel, if you come here tomorrow between 2 and 4 or between 6 and 8, remember, between 2 and 4 or 6 and 8, I'll examine you. I'll examine you. I'll examine you. I'll examine you. I'll examine you. Or 6 and 8, I'll examine your head. Why can't I come between 4 and 6? That's when they're examining my head. Come on Sam Shovel, here's Shirley's room. Pour Shirley, my poor Shirley. Sir, who are you and what are you doing here? I'm Shirley's father. She's in the next room. She's got a premises site, it's known that the doctors will operate on her. I'm afraid she'll die. Cheer up friend, I will operate on Shirley. You? I thought you were a detective. Before I became a detective I was known as young Dr. Shovel. Are you sure you can do it, Sam? Am I sure I can do it? Certainly. I'll skin out to the car and get my satchel of surgical instruments. He's got a satchel. She's right in there, Sam. Here I go. Does anybody got a hammer? Here's a hammer. Thanks. Anybody got a chisel? Here's a chisel. Anybody got a blue torch? Wait a minute, Sam. Sam. A chisel. Blue torch. What are you doing to Shirley? Watch, Shirley. First I got to open my satchel. Well, Costello and Sam Shovel, you were really digging them up tonight. Get it? Shovel? Digging them up? It's a joke, son. I dug up a joke. Yes. And you'd better bury it again. Abbott, let's leave the jokes to our writer. You mean we got writers? Oh, he's only kidding, folks. He knows our writing staff. We're headed by Eddie Forman with Paul Conlon, Pat Costello, Martin Ragerway and Len Stern. And I know that our producer is Charles Vander. That's pretty good for Abbott, folks, when you consider Van that's only been on the show two years. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night, sir! Listen, it's Thursday night at this time to another great Abbott and Costello show. It was a grandstrag and mulliwork. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainer which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.