 The Grape Nuts Flakes Program coming to you from Gardner Field near Taft, California and starring Jack Venny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester and yours truly, Don Wilson. Days when it takes common sense as well as dollars and cents to make your food budgets come out right. Food prices have not only hit the ceiling but in many cases have gone right on up through the roof. You know yourself some foods have gone up as high as 75% but one happy exception is tempting, sweet as a nut, Grape Nuts Flakes. For the average cost of Grape Nuts Flakes to you is actually less today than it was four years ago. And with the large 12 ounce economy-sized package of Grape Nuts Flakes, you get up to 16 helpings at only about a penny a serving. So here's a thrift-wise, non-racioned, basic seven cereal that's also tops an appetite appeal. You'll never have any trouble selling your family on Grape Nuts Flakes. It sells itself with the very first Maldi Rich Mouthful. It's the distinctive Grape Nuts flavor turned out in crisp toasty brown flake form. America's fastest growing cereal, Grape Nuts Flakes. You don't give up a single precious ration stamp to buy Grape Nuts Flakes. All the boys played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, from the recreation hall here at Gardner Field, we bring you that old-time pin-up boy, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, you may have meant that as a gag, but I am the pin-up boy for thousands of wax all over the country. What, uh, really, what Betty Grable is to the men, I am to the fair sex. Well, tell me, Jack, what's the most popular picture of you that the girls pin up? It's a pose of me in bathing trunks, Don, and I have the hair on my chest clipped so it spells welcome. On the way to the photographers, four people stopped and wiped their feet on me. Anyway, Don, here we are at Gardner Field, and if I was in the Air Force, this is where I'd like to be stationed. I mean, the climate here is so cool and refreshing. Cool? Why, stepped outside a few minutes ago and the thermometer said... Uh, uh, uh, uh, Don, uh, uh, that's a military secret, you know. But these fellas in our audience are all soldiers, can't we tell them? No, no, Don, and stop perspiring, that's a clue. You know, uh, we have to be careful about the information we give out. Oh, that's right, the enemy have their ears to the ground. Well, they're laying down all over if that's what you mean. One thing about the climate here around Taff, it may be hot in the daytime, but at night you can sleep under two blankets. Yes, sir, two wool blankets. And be perfectly comfortable? Are you kidding? You'll suffocate. What? Speaking of... Speaking of heat, a fat boy like you must really suffer. Oh, no, I'm not so fat, Jack, I look stuff, but I'm really all muscle. I see. Well, Don, if your girdle ever gets an eight-hour pass, watch that muscle spread out. In other words, Tubby, that bustle ain't muscle. Look, fellas, a mirage. No, it's really a girl. Hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hi, fellas. How do you like it here at Gardiner Field? Oh, fine. Say, Jack, I hear you bragging to Don about the wax making you their pinup boy. That's the truth, Mary. The wax at Bangor, Maine have 250 pictures of me on the walls of their barracks. Well, if they ever get wallpaper down, you come. Mary, all I asked you was, how do you like it here at Gardiner Field? That's all I asked. That's all. That's all I asked. I told you, fine. Good. And you know what, Jack? What? I had the biggest thrill this afternoon. I found out my brother was stationed here. Your brother? Yeah, and can you imagine? He's only been here two weeks, and he's a colonel already. No kidding. Really, a colonel in two weeks? He must be. When I saw him, he was carrying a long swagger stick with a tassel on the end of him. That was a mop. A mop. That was a mop. Oh, then that helmet he was swinging on his arm must have been a bucket. Certainly. Anyway, Mary, it's nice to see a member of your family in the armed forces. What's your brother studying here at Gardiner Field? He's learning to be a gardener. Now, cut that out! If your brother a gardener when he graduates, he'll probably pin a string bean on him instead of a wing. Hello, Phil. Hiya, Jackson. It's a little close in here, fellas. Applaud me and fan the air. Phil, let me ask you something. Why do you always ask for applause when you make your entrance? Because applause is food to an actor and I miss my lunch. Well, Phil, in the first place, in the first place, you're not an actor. And in the second place, you haven't had a lunch in 20 years that you didn't have to blow the foam off of. Say, Phil, I didn't see you on the bus this morning. Where were you? Well, me and Frankie, my guitar player, drove up yesterday afternoon and spent the night in Taft. You know, we wanted to get a good night's sleep. Oh. Where did you, uh... Where'd you stay in Taft? A peaceful little spot called the Fox Hotel. Wait a minute, Phil. The Fox Hotel in Taft is where most of these cadets go every Saturday night. Must have been plenty noisy. No, no, it wasn't, Jackson. Me and Frankie didn't hear a sound. Phil, look. I live in Los Angeles over 100 miles away. And many a Saturday night when the wind is in the right direction, I can hear the manager of the Fox Hotel saying, Please, boys, put the roof back on. Now, tell the truth, Phil. What time did you get to bed? Well, I looked at my watch and it said 9 o'clock. 9 a.m. or 9 p.m. That's the trouble with watches. They don't say. Well, you and your guitar player must have been in a fine fog there. Say, Mr. Benny, going back on the bus tonight, is it all right if I... Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello. Gee, was that applause for me? No, Mary, quit straightening your stocking. My goodness. Say, Mr. Benny, going back on the bus tonight, is it all right... How do you feel, kid? Fine, thank you. Good. A few minutes ago I stopped for a drink at a well and it was awfully greasy. Well, that was an oil well. It was? Yes. You shouldn't have stopped at an oil well for a drink. You mean because I haven't got a B card? No, you shouldn't drink oil. No use waiting. I got to have a talk with that kid. I wish you would. There are so many things I want to find out. Never mind. Say, Mr. Benny. Yes, jerk. Going home on the bus tonight, is it all right if I ride inside with the rest of you? No, Dennis, the bus is too crowded. You'll have to sit out on the radiator like you did coming up. Hanging over that motor for a hundred miles. That's where I got the oil habit. You didn't get the habit. You only had one drink. Oh. Now let's have your song, Dennis. What's it going to be? I'm going to sing a very popular new ballad called, You'll Never Know. That is a good tune. Say, Jackson, that song happens to be from the motion picture, Hello Frisco, Hello. Starring that glamorous blonde, Alice, um... Alice, uh... Oh, what's her name? Alice Faye. Oh, yes. I'll get thumped when I get home. I hope you do. All right, Dennis, let's have your song. You'll Never Know, Never Know. Just how much I care, my love, haven't I? How much I love you sung by Dennis Day, and very good Dennis. But you know, kid, all these love songs prove just one thing. What's that, Mr. Benny? I don't know. They prove how easy it is for a woman to make a man fall in love with her. Yeah. You know, kid, it's awful the tricks a woman can play on a man's heart, especially in the moonlight. Sometimes right out in the sunshine they'll get you. You said it. And on a rainy day, holy smoke. What'd you say, kid? On a rainy day, holy smoke. I wanted them to hear that. I didn't want you to talk into the laugh. I tell you, kid, when a woman makes up her mind to get a man, he's a dead duck. Yeah. Look, he were safe from women by golly. What do you mean, were safe from women? Well, they haven't got to me yet, and they passed you long ago. No, they haven't, Dennis. As a matter of fact, I'm the official pin-up boy for the wax. Yes, sir. A bunch of girls away from home, they miss their fathers, and he takes the wrong way. Now, wait a minute. Stop, Sergeant. That's nuts about me. You ought to see the letters she writes. But getting back to the subject, Dennis, as you grow older, kid, you'll find out that in most cases, the woman is the aggressor. Don't you think so, Phil? Well, yes and no. What do you mean, yes and no? I don't know what aggressor means. Aggressor, aggressor, Phil, means when you're standing on a corner, minding your own business, a girl comes along and gives you a lift in her car. She asks you if you have a cigarette. You say, I do, and there's a preacher in the rumble field. That's aggressor, brother. I'll tell you, you got to watch women in their little tricks. You're right, Jack. And speaking of women's wiles, ladies and gentlemen, let me show you how an innocent man can be putty in a woman's hand. Yes, sir. Thank you, gentlemen, Mr. Homer J. Putty. That's me, folks. And a young waitress by the name of Miss Melbatos. That's me, I guess. The setting is that popular rendezvous in Taft, California called Cena's Cafe. Music. Well, good morning. Good morning. What do you have, big boy? Give me a package of Beeman's peps and chewing gum, please. This is a restaurant. Watch your chew here, you swallow. Oh, yes. I think I'll have a bowl of toasty brown, sweet as a nut, grape nut's place. Say, you're kind of cute. Are you a stranger in town? Yes. Grape nut's place, please. You're not married, are you cutie? No, I'm not. Grape nut's place, please. I'm not married either, dreamboat. That's very interesting. Grape nut's place, please. Say, babyface, you know there's a dance in the moose hall tonight. Well, get a moose and go. I want the grape nut's place. I'm starving. I haven't had any breakfast yet. Well, if we were married, I could fix your breakfast with my own little hand. But we're not married. Now, will you please get me some toasty nut sweet as a grape nut's place? I mean, grape nut's place, please. Well, if I give you a dish of grape nut's place, will you marry me? Yes. Hi, darling. Sweetheart. One of the story fellows is that if you're lonesome and you want to get married, just go into a restaurant and order grape nut's place. Hi, thank you. Very good job. And Phil, the only thing that can follow that is a band number by you and your orchestra. Just think, Phil, this will be the next to the last time we'll be hearing your orchestra this season. One more Sunday and we're off the air. Only one more broadcast? Say, I better start saving my money. Start saving your money, Phil. Do you mean to say that as long as you've been working for me, you haven't put anything aside? Not a penny. Well, for heaven's sake, what are you going to do when you're 80 years old? I figure I'll just sit around and listen to my skin dry. Well, that ought to be noisy and exciting. Imagine not saving a penny. Phil, did you ever hear the story about the grasshopper and the ant? All summer long, the ant was busy storing up little particles of food in his house. But the grasshopper, that's you, tWitch, he just jumped around and had a good time. Where would a grasshopper go for a good time? The Fox Hotel, now pay attention. Anyway, all summer, the ant worked and worked and worked. And the grasshopper played and played and played. This is boring me. I'm going outside for a drink of oil. The ant has come back here. And when winter came, Phil, the ant had plenty to eat, but the grasshopper nearly starved to death. Now, Phil, do you get the moral of that story? Sure. If you're a grasshopper and you want to eat, you better grab yourself a rich old ant. If the ant's close enough, get your head out, Phil, and play. Harris and his musical grasshoppers. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as long as we're here at Gardner Field... Well, pardon me for interrupting, Jack, but I was talking to Colonel Anderson, and he's trying to arrange that parachute jump you spoke about. Parachute jump? Certainly, you were talking about it on the bus this morning. I was talking about making a parachute jump? Of course. You were showing off for that little blonde who was sitting next to you. You mean Hortense? The girl was going up to Napa County to get a job in a winery because her boyfriend, who still owes her $18, has been stepping out with somebody else? I was just making conversation. Speaking of that blonde, Mr. Benny, I think it was very nice of you to give her the $18 her boyfriend ordered. When did I give her $18? She took it out of your pocket when you were fixing the window shade. Well, I'll be darned. Listen, Dennis, when that girl was removing the bills from my pocket, why didn't you say something? Well, that's the first time I ever thought you'd spend any money, and I was fascinated. Well, that's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. You're going to kid yourself now I'll wait till the program's over. Neither one. That $18 coming out of Dennis's salary. He was a spotter and he didn't report. Anyway, Don, getting back to... I can't understand Hortense doing that. She has such a baby face. Getting back to Colonel Anderson... Hey, cheer up, Jack. When she's jumping up and down in those grates at the winery, she's liable to slip and sprain her ankle. That's right. Anyway, Don, getting back to... Of course she has such beautiful legs. I wouldn't want that to happen. Back to Colonel Anderson. Thank him very much for his kind offer, but tell him I've already made a parachute jump and there wouldn't be any thrill in either one. Well, Jack, I didn't know you ever bailed out of a plane. Oh, sure, Don. Last year at March Field and I wasn't a bit scared. You weren't scared, eh? Tell Don what really happened. Now, Mary. What was it, Mary? Well, Don, one day last year when we were on the bus to March Field, Jack met a girl who was going to Cebobah Hot Springs. She got my watch come to think of it. Anyway, Jack, I started bragging and told this girl he was going to March Field to make a parachute jump. Parachute jump, parachute jump. So I fixed it so we'd get a big transport plane and all go up and watch Jack bail out. There was Phil and Dennis and Rochester was there and myself and Jack was really scared. Gosh, I'm dizzy. Look at the ground way down there. Wow. Jack, will you please come down off that stepladder? I want to get used to the altitude. I know what I'm doing. Well, Dennis, Phil, will you please come down? We ain't going to jump, Jackson. Yes, you are. When I go, everybody goes. Gosh, I'm scared. There's nothing to be scared of, Dennis. When I was a test pilot years ago, I used to jump all the time. Were you a test pilot, Mr. Benny? Sure. He used to try out pitchforks in a livery stable. Oh, darn tough work. Now, let's see. I wonder if this parachute goes... What are you doing, Mr. Benny? Oh, hello, Rochester. Well, Rochester, we're going for a plane ride and I want you to come along. Wait a minute, boss. We're going for a plane and we're up there above those clouds? Yes, there's one empty seat. And empty it shall remain. Now, Rochester, don't be such a baby. Flying is the greatest thing in the world. You show me a man that doesn't want to fly, and I'll show you a man with no imagination. Dull, ain't I? But Rochester, flying is a wonderful experience. It gives you the feeling that you're a bird soaring through the clouds. An eagle gliding over a mountain pass. Rochester, wouldn't you like to have wings? Only in the biblical sense, and that can wait. Rochester, I'm not going to argue with you. We're all going up in that plane. You all? Not me all. Yes, you are. Oh, Lieutenant, is the plane ready? Right over here, Mr. Benny. And watch that cigar. You'll burn a hole in your parachute. Oh, a little hole. What can that hurt? A lot. When your parachute opens up and there's a hole in it, you'll get sunburned on the way down. Oh, that's right. Well, what are you waiting for, Jack? Let's get in the plane. I was wondering, Mary, don't you think it's a little windy to go up today? You hadn't been so windy on that bus. You wouldn't have to go up at all. Now, are you coming or not? Okay, okay. Come on, Phil, Dennis. We're coming. Well, I'll be darned. Oh, Rochester. What are you doing with that Jack rabbit? I just wanted to borrow his hind leg. You'll get in this plane. All right, Lieutenant. We're ready. Very well. Turn it over. Gee, this isn't so bad. Say, Mary, see the field way down there? Yeah, a chair looks small, doesn't it? Yes, sir. Hey, Rochester, look at the ground. Way, way down there. I ain't looking till I'm closing up the kisses. I never saw such a baby. Say, Jackson, get a load of them cars on the highway below us. They look like little black dots. Yeah. Rochester, look down at that highway. Walls, please. Open your eyes. Dennis, what's that folder you got there? Instructions on how to use a parachute. Oh, have you got them down, Pat? I think so. I have to jump out of the plane, count to ten, pull the ripcord, and if the chute doesn't open, I've got to count all over again. I worry about things like that. Dennis, believe me, if the chute doesn't open, there's nothing to worry about. It's different with you. You've led a good, clean life. Oh, quiet. What a dodo. Jack, what are you taking that parachute off for? Because Dennis has made me so aggravated with the silly talk that I'm not going to jump. Put that back on. Oh, all right. My goodness, Jack, you're a bigger coward than Rochester. I doubt that, Miss Livingston, but thanks just the same. Say, Lieutenant, Lieutenant, how high are we? 5,400 feet. Okay. Stop the plane and let's jump. Stop the plane. Certainly. You don't think I'm going to jump out of this plane when it's going 100 miles an hour, do you? But, Mr. Benny, if we stop the plane, our static equilibrium will be destroyed and we'll fall to the ground. Sure, it's the law of gravy. That's gravity, stupid. He's stupid and you wanted to stop the plane. Okay, okay. Open the door, Lieutenant. Boy, that air is cold. Well, go ahead, Phil. You and Dennis jump first. And if everything goes all right, I'll take a leap. Okay, here goes. So long. Look at that chute fly over. I'll go next. So long. Okay, Dennis. Here goes. Dennis, don't hold your nose. You're not jumping in water. Okay, so long, everybody. What are you doing back in the plane? My suspenders got caught on the door now. There goes Dennis. And you're next. Wait a minute, Mary. I just had a funny idea. Oh, Rochester. Yes, boss. Why don't you jump in my place? You know, just for a gag. Boss, I wouldn't jump out of here if that river down below is straight and tucky bourbon. Oh, what a sissy. Go ahead and jump, Jack. Here, I'll give you a shove. Mary, stop pushing me. Let go of that jar. Mary, don't shove me. Woop. Hey, this is fun floating down like this. I'm glad I brought my reader's digest with me. Oh, boy, this is really... that better be my shirt. Play, Phil. Now, the basic seven nutrition program is really old man opportunity knocking at your door. For the basic seven, the seven groups of foods our government urges us to eat every day, was created to ensure a better fed and hence more efficient America. It's bound to have a history making influence on wise ways of eating. And one food that's not only a basic seven food, but is also plentiful and thrifty and not rationed, is whole grain cereal. So every time you try to enjoy crisp toasty brown grape nuts flakes, remember, you're getting the important whole grain nourishment of a basic seven cereal. As a matter of fact, with every delicious bowl full of grape nuts flakes and milk, you're including two basic seven foods. Add fruit, and you make it three. Join up today with the basic seven food program homemakers for a better fed America. Good night, folks. The Jack Benny program is written by Bill Maronet Beloy. Since the War Department does not endorse any product, the broadcast is not intended as an endorsement of our product by the War Department.