 Hey beauties, I'm Bianca Renee and you're watching Bianca Renee Today. And today, we're gonna talk about relationships, specifically mine, have a little bit of a story time, sip some tea, so you can learn about my exes, type of people I decided to date, the number of frogs I kissed before finding my prince, some lessons I've learned along the way, me being single for a very long time, then having a fun dating period, then going through like clubbing phase and then being married now with a child. So I thought it'd be fun just to share my love journey here on a very loveful day. Today is Valentine's Day. If you're watching this live, happy Valentine's Day. I hope you enjoy this day. Whether you're single or not, hang out with your friends, love yourself, I know, nobody wants to hear that when they're single, but like for real, it's not that big of a deal to one day. I have spent many Valentine's days alone. Trust me, I know what it feels. So because I might be spilling the tea on my exes and past relationships, I am wearing a wig today as my disguise, just in case one of them tries to watch this video. It is Black History Month, so I am still celebrating and highlighting black-owned businesses. So today I wanted to put on some Juvia's Place, black-owned makeup brand now available at Ulta, and this is their new Reds and Berries series. So I'm gonna put on a beautiful red lip while we spill this tea. So I haven't tried any of the Reds and Berries yet. This will be a first impressions. I do know I love their lipsticks in general and their liners. So first I'm gonna line my lips with the Luxe liner in Ruby. So where to start? Well, I was single for a very, very long time. Like, why did I think I could talk while I put on lipstick? Oh my goodness. I did not think this through. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was in 11th grade. Like, I didn't even have like the pretend little elementary school ones, nothing in middle school, nothing freshman, sophomore, like, I don't know. Boys just weren't into me. And like I had guy friends and I had a lot of friends. So it wasn't like I was a loser or anything. I was actually pretty popular, but guys just didn't like me in that way. And I just, I probably had low self-esteem growing up. I was not as confident as I am now. And I just, I don't know. I think I just always thought I wasn't pretty enough. I mean, middle school, I have braces, I have frizzy hair. I actually got to go through an awkward phase unlike a lot of these little TikTok middle schoolers now. Like, how do y'all know how to highlight a contour already? Like, where is your awkward stage? I digress. So as someone who loves to dance, I went to every single school dance from middle school to high school. And I had to just sit out on all the slow songs. Actually, correction, winter formal, my friends forced my crush to dance with me. Funny story, my crush in middle school actually had a crush on my best friend, Cindy. We were not friends in middle school because I did not like her because my man, who didn't know he was my man, liked her. So I didn't like her for a long time for no reason, literally just being petty. Now we're best friends. But she didn't even like him. So it was just like a waste of a relationship and he should've just been with me. So winter formal comes along and my friends, I don't even know what they said to him. And we had the most awkward back and forth dance. I have a picture of me like, should I insert it? No, I don't want him to see. So now every time I hear, you got it bad by Usher. Brings back bad memories. Okay, I'm gonna go in with the perfect red. Oh, it's so pretty. You know, the first time you put on a new lipstick. Ooh, oh, this is the perfect red. Oh yes, much better. That just completed the look, didn't it? So I have two songs that scar me. You got it bad by Usher, because I think of that middle school dance. And then I also have a hard time listening to Casey and JoJo. All my life, I prayed for someone like you. Yeah, everyone loves that song, not me. Because they would play that every single dance and I had nobody to slow dance with. So I'm just, you know, up against the wall by myself with no one to dance with. But then 11th grade, I got me a man. My first boyfriend. We had our first kiss right before the one minute bell rang. So now I literally had a timer on my first kiss because I'm not gonna be late to class. Hello. So it was very rushed. He had braces. I think we kind of smashed teeth for that first initial. Then I went to my class like, romantic story, he just was like, I think he asked me if he could have a kiss and it happened like in the middle of the hallway at school when I had literally 60 seconds to get the class. So the thing about my first boyfriend is I was a junior. He was a senior. He was moving on to I think a different state for college. And I was like, I'm not about to be in a long distance relationship in 11th grade, okay? So after that first boyfriend, I was then single for a couple years. One of the reasons why I was always like, about finding a boyfriend is that at the time I was trying to wait until marriage to do the do, if you know what I mean. So when you were trying to save yourself for marriage, you started thinking like, well, who would wanna do that? What guy would want to just not do it when most people are down? So I was really at a point where I didn't think I was gonna find anybody that would like want to wait. And I had one time in high school where this guy was like starting to like me. We were flirting. I think we kissed and I was about it. I was someone that would always tell people right away so we don't get too far and you have any surprises. I'd be like, cool, you like me, I like you. By the way, we're not gonna have sex though, like ever, unless you wanna propose to me. I was like one of the first times I think I had to like let someone know and he was just like, oh, okay, well, I don't even know what he said, but dude went ghost, did not talk to me again, ignored me in passing at school, that was it. So after that first experience with me telling somebody that I'm not gonna do that, it sucked. I was like, wow, this is probably how it's gonna be. Nobody's gonna wanna be with me because I don't wanna do that. So if you are someone who is also trying to wait until marriage, it is hard and I commend you for doing it. I don't know if you're doing it for religious reasons, maybe you're just not physically comfortable or ready to do it, but it can be an obstacle when dating someone but it also is possible to find someone who will love you enough to just not really need that aspect to solidify your relationship. So even for me, as long as I tried to wait, I did not. And the first time that I did it, I was with my now second official boyfriend for like two years. So I didn't make him wait like two years and then it like, it kept like kind of happening but not really. And then I didn't want to admit that it was happening because it was just like, eh, like does that count kind of thing? And then when you start playing these games, like, oh, that doesn't count, oh, that doesn't count. Now you might not even be smart or safe about it because, okay, let's just go there. You start to think that if you like, tell yourself that you need to go and get a condom, now we're like actually having sex. But if it's like, you're kind of just in the area, why am I talking about this? Then you start to tell yourself that it doesn't count because you have your goals, you have your rules, you don't want to break your rule but like, it's much better to just be safe and do it correctly versus pretending like you're not really doing it when you kind of technically are. So, my first time. It wasn't like a planned out thing, like tonight's the night, I'm ready, let's do it here. No, it kind of just happened. And I cried, I cried my first time. So fun. Not really because like it hurt or anything but because I'm so hard on myself that I was just so disappointed that I like broke my own rules. If you guys haven't watched my perfection video, go back and watch that. But yeah, I felt like a failure and I was just sad that that part of me was gone and I really wanted to save that for my husband. So this point I'm like, all right, we got to be together forever now, like you got to be my husband so we can make this like okay. And then I think we ended up breaking up like maybe a month later. So that point I'm like, this is why I wanted to wait. Like I didn't wait two years just to give it to you and then now you're gone like for nothing. So that sucked. But you know, you live and you learn. So then I was like, all right, take two. Let's wait again. I do think it's important to date. Have fun and date as much as possible before you decide to settle down. Don't think that every person you go on a date with is going to be your husband. Know that you should go in looking for husband-like qualities but you have to be able to learn what you do and don't like interrelationship. When you go to dinner, what do you like about this conversation? Do you feel like you have to keep asking questions to keep the conversation going? Does it feel like you're just naturally talking to a friend? Do you feel awkward the whole time? Are you attracted to this person? Just really enjoy and take in the whole moment and see what I wanna hang out with this person again. Are they just cute? I have been with some very good looking men. One, whoo, I feel like people are gonna know who I'm talking about if I give too many details. I went on one date with one guy who was a good looking guy. He went to a very prestigious college. He drove from Mercedes, came to pick me up but he was so boring. I don't think we talked like the whole car ride. I can't even tell you what we did on our date. That's how boring it was. But I was just like, wow, what a waste. So you gotta be careful about like your checklist. Like, oh, I want him to have money. He has to have a nice car. None of that's really gonna matter if he's boring. I've also always been into really tall guys because I'm tall, I'm five, eight. So I dated a guy that was six, seven, okay? Could wear any heels that I wanted. But also kind of boring. Like we, like he was fun at times. Like if we'd go out, but I think the final straw for me was when we all went to the club with like our friends. We went to Del Taco after because you gotta hit the drive-thru after the club. Del Taco, okay? How much is a taco? Maybe $3 max. And when it was time to pay, he looked at me for my money. Can a girl get a taco? Everyone's different. There are some girls that are like, I could pay for myself. I could open my own doors. I don't need a man. Like that's fine. But like for me, I still believe in like chivalry. I think there are things that men should do to court a woman. Call me old school. Everybody has their preferences. And I would like the man to open my door, pay for my food, be a gentleman. And yeah, once we start dating, there will be times where you pay for dinner. I pay for parking. You pay for the concert tickets. I'll pay for the drinks, whatever it may be. We could work on that balancing later. But if we're just starting to get to know each other, impress me. And there were just, you know, many guys that didn't know how to leave a lasting impression. So after all that just fun dating, I end up meeting my husband, Royce. Now Royce and I have a really crazy love story. I don't know if I need to explain the whole thing now. I do have a full video on that. Let me know if you guys want me to tell the story again. On our first date, we ended up talking and we got to a point where I looked him in the eyes and I said, this is gonna sound crazy, but I think I'm in love with you. And he said, I feel like I'm looking at my wife. I'm like, what? That is not a normal first date. Usually that's like, what are you talking about? Y'all are crazy. I'm gonna tell you right now, do not expect this little love story. It's unrealistic, but that's our story. That's what happened. We joked as he dropped me off at home, like, oh, should we tell our parents now we're gonna get married? And we actually did. So those are the kind of stories where it's like, if you guys broke up, it would sound crazy. But because it actually worked out, it's not that crazy. And I think the main thing that even led me to say, not the main thing, but one of the things that led me to say that was because I had my talk where I told him, hey, so this is all fine and dandy. This is date one, but just so you know, I am trying to wait until marriage to have sex. And he was like, really? He's like, so am I. And I was like, oh! And I just, I found my unicorn. I could not believe that there was another man in the universe that was also good looking, that was also wanting to wait until marriage. And I told him that like, I wanted to, but I didn't. I messed up because I slept with one person. And then he also had slept with just one person. And he said, after he did it, he also felt horrible. So I was like, we're the same. So it was two like born again virgins that messed up, but wanted to fix it. And then we found each other. And that really is a big moment when you could just find someone that has like the same values as you. And at the end of the day, that's going to be more important than all the other things on your checklist. Let's talk about the checklist, which Royce still gives me mess for because all the things on my list don't matter. So on my list, you had to be six, four or taller. I think Royce is like six, two. Technically he didn't make the cut. If I was going by my list, you had to be a dancer. Love dancing. I want you to be a dancer. Royce, he enjoys dancing. I wouldn't put him on America's Best Dance Crew, but that was a priority at the time of my Myspace boyfriend list. What else was on there? I don't know. A bunch of silly things that really don't matter and aren't going to make a difference in your marriage life. What do you believe in? How do you respond in arguments? Are you someone that yells and screams? Or are you someone that's like calm and likes to talk? How is your communication? What interests do you have? All those things are way more important than the superficial things that are on everyone's normal checklist. So like my sweatshirt says, love wins. Once you fall in love someone, it gets crazy. You can be blinded by many red flags because you're just so in it. You want it to work. This is the one where sometimes it can make you stay longer than you should and everyone around you sees it. It's an obvious no, but you're just so in love and you can't, even though he did this, this, this, and it gets to a point where it can get toxic, that's where love can be like crazy. But true love, unconditional love, that is the ultimate goal. And you'll know the difference when that person does not make you feel bad. Yes, you're always gonna have arguments, but does that person belittle you in the moment? Do they talk down to you? Do they make you cry just because they hurt your feelings or because they are genuinely a mean person? If the person you're with makes you sad more than they make you happy, I don't know if that's true love. And you need to ask yourself, is this person just like this in the moment or is this person's character? Is this gonna be a reoccurring theme throughout our entire marriage? Do I want to marry this person if they're gonna act like this every time we have a disagreement? Things to think about. Side note, the sweatshirt is from another black-owned brand called Bash Baby Clothing. They have stuff for babies and adults, the cutest little sayings. I'll link them in my description. You guys can check them out. Speaking of toxic relationships, let me read one of the questions that I got from Instagram or topic suggestions from Deanna Rache. She says, let's talk about toxic signs in blind love where you don't realize how bad your relationship actually is because you're too in love. My friends have been used countless times by their significant others and they were too blind to see the real truth. Oh, this happens. And it could be happening to you right now and you don't even realize it. Y'all wanna talk about red flags? Sometimes they're not flags. Sometimes they're like billboards and we're just like, that's fine. Or if you're like me, I always like to like help people and I feel like they can change if they just had some help. So I'll be going for like the fixer uppers. There's a time where I had to call the local prison to talk to my boyfriend. I've dated a stripper. I have former stripper. Let me add that in there. I've dated someone who was married and divorced before 21 to someone who had a kid. Wasn't his kid. I've dated someone who moved to California to be with me, lived at my grandpa's house, didn't have a job or a car. Oh yeah, and that's all just one person. But according to my Myspace boyfriend checklist, he was 6'4", he was really cute and he could dance. All things that did not matter. Now am I saying you should judge somebody by those things? No, I mean I didn't, I knew all that and I still dated the person. We all make mistakes. There's all things that we are really arm proud of of our past, that's totally fine. But the bigger red flags are how that person makes you feel. Can you see past this person's past and or flaws because you know that inside they are still a good person. Someone that you'd want to build a future with, have kids with, have a family with. Someone that you would trust financially. Someone that you trust with your heart. And sometimes you don't know this until you actually hear yourself say what's going on to maybe trusted friends, family, or even a therapist. Because when you have to listen to yourself, like I had to just repeat that whole list to you guys. You'd be like, what was I thinking? Love will do that to you. And none of that matters because you're in love. But if it gets to a point where this person that you're in love with makes you cry all the time, makes you have low self-esteem, makes you feel like you're unworthy, makes you feel ugly. Are you always the person that has to apologize first? Are you always the person that has to send that first text and say, are you okay? What's wrong? Do they ever genuinely check up on you, ask you how you feel? Do they apologize and then actually change? Words are just words without action. How many times has this person apologized for the same thing? And are they apologizing because they don't want you to be mad anymore or are they apologizing because they're genuinely sorry for what they did? And there's some things that even though I am married now, I have moments where I'm like, wow, why did I put myself through that? That was a toxic relationship. I should not have done anything with this person. I should have left a long time ago. I'm still learning to unlearn things from past relationships and past relationships can have the ability to affect your current ones if you don't really deal with them and learn from your mistakes. Speaking of which, that's why I have another black-owned brand I wanna share with you guys. There's this book called So Much to Unlearn, poems and short stories on relationships, love and unlearning by Maui the writer. I'm not someone that really reads books, to be honest. But I follow this girl on Instagram and she posts like those hot fire quotes that you wanna repost everything that she posts because it just hits home and it's so relatable. That's this book. Like if Instagram quotes could be a book, that's what this is. She also has a podcast that I've been listening to and I'm not even single, but I am still learning to unlearn some toxic things that I got from my past to make sure that I don't bring them into my now happy relationship. So Maui is like that friend that you don't really wanna go talk to because she keeps it too real. She's gonna tell you what you need to hear, what you should hear, but you often go to your yes friend that's just like, oh, he's fine. You guys just fight and get back together. No big deal, no. You need the Maui friend to really just give it to you as raw and real as possible so you don't keep hurting yourself and putting yourself back in toxic relationships. Everybody needs a Maui friend and if you don't have one, buy this book or listen to her podcast to snap some sense into you. So I will admit that this book does get a little explicit, okay? Cause she has no filter. She's gonna talk about the topics that you might not wanna talk about with certain people. Her podcast, she goes there and she tells it to you as blunt as possible, just a little warning, but it's fire. Let me just read you one of the things from her Twitter that's also full of fire. It says, pay attention to the things that you love that bring you the most pain. Some of it ain't love, but attachment. Stop allowing people to convince you that you're tripping when the proof is right in your face. Ooh, hell. Can't nothing take me back to a level that I leveled up from. Ooh, so much fire. I think I'm gonna be posting more of my favorite quotes from her, from her Instagram, Twitter or the book on my Instagram, so make sure you follow me. And Maui, her name is Maui underscore W on Instagram and her Twitter is boyfriend chronicles. I think the title of the book is perfect. Like there's so much to unlearn from our past relationships. Like you might be with someone that you know is trustworthy, has never showed any signs of being unloyal, but you're still checking his phone. Why? Because your ex, you had to do that. You had to be asking where they were going, what they're doing because they lied all the time. So now you checking your new man's phone and all these text messages say mom, grandma, sister and now you feel dumb for even checking because you still have trust issues because of someone else that didn't treat you right. Or maybe when your new man says, oh, you look beautiful with no makeup on, you're like, okay, and you don't believe them because your past relationships only complimented you when you were dolled up and sexy. Little things like that mentally affect us that you might not realize until you're out of their relationship and you realize, hmm, this still bugs me. Why? Relationships are a lot people. I don't know, you might wanna think about it before you get into one. Alone doesn't always mean lonely. Just like a relationship doesn't always mean happy. So just remember that you shouldn't just be striving to be in a relationship, to be in a relationship. Why? What are you hoping to get from another person? Because if you're relying on another person to make you whole, that's not what you want. You have to be whole on your own before you're ready to commit to someone else. If you need that person to do da, da, da, da, da and you cannot be yourself without that, that is not going to be a good relationship because that's a lot of pressure on your partner and if that person's gone, now a piece of you is also gone. You need to be fully confident, comfortable, stable in who you are alone before you are ready to commit to someone else. Oh, that was a lot. A lot of information about me that I don't know why I'm sharing on the internet but here you go. Hope you enjoyed the story time. A fun little girl talk. If I do this on myself, you guys probably learned a thing or two about me that you did not know that I have not shared online before. I have a lot of other great topics that you guys brought up on Instagram. So if you want me to continue these girl talk type videos, please let me know and leave me some other topic suggestions you want me to talk about. If you enjoyed it, give me a thumbs up and subscribe. I post new videos every week and I'll be sure to link my lipstick, my sweatshirt and my book all in my description box. You guys can check those out if interested. I'll see you guys next time. Thanks for watching Bianca and A today. So fun fact, I have actually never been to a strip club. So it wasn't like I was in there and I was like, you're mine. You coming home with me. No, no, no. It's not how it went down.