 Section 14 of Library of the World's Best Mystery and Detective Stories, Volume 3. Section 14. A Mystery with a Moral, by Laurence Stern Introduction to A Mystery with a Moral The next mystery story is like no other in these volumes. The editors' defense lies in the plea that Laurence Stern is not like other writers of English. He is certainly one of the very greatest, yet nowadays he is generally unknown. His rollicking frankness, his audacious unconventionality are enough to account for the neglect. Even the easy-mannered England of 1760 opened its eyes in horror when Tristram Shandy appeared. A most unclarical clergyman, the public pronounced the rector of sudden and prependery of York. Besides, his style was rambling to the last degree. Plot concerned him least of all authors of fiction. For instance, it is more than doubtful that the whimsical person really intended a Moral to be read into the adventures of his sentimental journey that follow in these pages. He used to declare that he never intended anything. He never knew whether his pen was leading. The rash implement, once in hand, was likely to fly with him from Yorkshire to Italy or to Paris or across the road to Uncle Toppies. And what could the helpless author do but improve its occasion? So here is one such occasion thus improved by disjointed sequels, heedless one would say, and yet glittering with the unreturnable thrust of subtle wit or softening with simple emotion like a thousand immortal passages of this random philosopher. Even the slightest turns of Stern's pen bear inspiration. No lesser critique than the severe haslet was satisfied that his works consist only of brilliant passages. And because the editors of the present volumes found added to the mystery not only a solution, but an application of worldly wisdom and a contrast in Stern's best vein of quiet happiness, they have felt emboldened to ascribe the passage, a mystery with a Moral. As regards the application, Stern knew whereof he wrote. He sought the south of France for health in 1762 and was run after and fettered by the most brilliant circles of Parisian literature. This foreign surgeon failed to cure his lung complaint, but suggested the idea to him of the rambling and charming sentimental journey. Only three weeks after its publication, on March 18, 1768, Stern died alone in his London lodgings. Despite of all that marred his genius, his work has lived and will live if only for the exquisite literary art which ever made great things out of little. The editor. A mystery with a Moral, Parisian experience of Parson Yorick on his sentimental journey. A riddle. I remained at the gate of the hotel for some time, looking at everyone who passed by, informing conjectures upon them till my attention get fixed upon a single object which confounded all kind of reasoning upon him. It was a tall figure of a philosophic, serious adult look, which passed and re-passed sedately along the street, making a turn of about sixty paces on each side of the gate of the hotel. The man was about fifty-two, had a small cane under his arm, was dressed in a dark drab-coloured coat, waistcoat and breeches, which seemed to have seen some muse service. They were still clean, and there was a little air of frugal propriété throughout him. By his pulling of his hat and his attitude of casting a good man in his way, I saw he was asking charity. So I got a sooth or two out of my pocket, ready to give him as he took me in his turn. He passed by me without asking anything, and yet he did not go five steps farther before he asked charity of a little woman. I was much more likely to have given of the two. He had scarce done with the woman when he pulled his hat off to another who was coming the same way. An ancient gentleman came slowly and after him a young smart one. He let them both pass and asked nothing. I stood observing him half an hour, in which time he had made a dozen turns backward and forward, and found that he invariably pursued the same plan. There were two things very singular in this which set my brain to work and to no purpose. The first was why the man should only tell his story to the sex, and secondly what kind of a story it was, and what species of a loquence it could be, which softened the hearts of the women, which he knew it was to no purpose to practice upon the man. There were two other circumstances which entangled this mystery. The one was he told every woman what he had to say in her ear, and in a way which had much more the air of a secret than a petition. The other was it was always successful. He never stopped a woman, but she pulled out her purse and immediately gave him something. I could form no system to explain the phenomenon. I had got a riddle to amuse me for the rest of the evening, so I walked upstairs to my chamber. Overheard. The man who either distains or fears to walk up a dark entry may be an excellent good man and fit for a hundred things, but he will not do to make a sentimental traveller. I count little of the many things I see pass at Brode Nundee in large and open streets. Nature is shy and hates to act before spectators. But in such an unobservable corner, you sometimes see a single short scene of hers worth all the sentiments of a dozen French plays compounded together. And yet they are absolutely fine, and whenever I have a more brilliant affair upon my hands than common, as they suit a preacher just as well as a hero, I generally make my sermon out of them, and for the text, Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia, Frigia and Pemphilia is as good as anyone in the Bible. There is a long, dark passage issuing out from the Opéra Comique into a narrow street. It is shrouded by a few who humbly wait for a fiacre. Note, Hackney coach. End of note. I wish to get off quietly of food when the opera is done. At the end of it, toward the theatre, it is lighted by a small candle, the light of which is almost lost before you get halfway down, but near the door it is more for ornament than use. You see it as a fixed star of the least magnitude. It burns, but does little good to the world that we know of. In returning from the opera, along this passage, I discerned as I approached within five or six spaces of the door, two ladies standing arm in arm with their backs against the wall, waiting, as I imagined, for a fiacre. As they were next the door, I thought they had a prior right, so I edged myself up within a yard a little more of them, and quietly took my stand. I was in black and scarce scene. The lady next to me was a tall, lean figure of a woman of about thirty-six, the other of the same size and make of about forty. There was no mark of wife or widow in any one part of either of them. They seemed to be two upright, vestal sisters, unsapped by carousels, unbroken upon by tender salutations. I could have wished to have made them happy. Their happiness was destined, at night, to come from another quarter. A low voice with a good turn of expression and sweet cadence at the end of it, begged for a twelve-sues peace between them for the love of heaven. I thought it singular that a beggar should fix the quarter of an arms, and that the sum should be twelve times as much as what is usually given in the dark. They both seemed astonished at it as much as myself. Twelve-sues, said one, the twelve-sues peace, said the other, and made no reply. The poor man said he knew not how to ask less of ladies of their rank, and bowed down his head to the ground. Poo! said they, we have no money. The beggar remained silent for a moment or two and renewed his supplication. Do not, my fair young ladies, said he, stop your good years against me. Upon my word, honest men, said the younger, we have no change. Then God bless you, said the poor man, and multiply those joys which you can give to others without change. I observed the older sister put her hand into her pocket. I will see, said she, if I have a zoo. A zoo, give twelve, said the supplicant. Nature has been bountiful to you, be bountiful to a poor man. I would, friend, with all my heart, said the younger, if I had it. My fair charitable, said he, addressing himself to the elder, what is it but your goodness and humanity which make your bright eyes so sweet that they outshine the morning even in this dark passage? And what was it which made the Marquis de Santère and his brother say so much of you both as they just pass by? The two ladies seemed much affected, and impulsively at the same time they put their hands into their pockets and each took out a twelve soupies. The contest between them and the poor supplicant was no more. It was continued between themselves which of the two should give the twelve soupies in charity and, to end the dispute, they both gave it together and the man went away. Solution. I stepped hastily after him. It was the very man whose success in asking charity of the woman before the door of the hotel had so puzzled me and I found at once his secret or at least the basis of it. It was flattery. Delicious essence. How refreshing our go to nature. How strongly are all its powers and all its weaknesses on thy side. How sweetly does the mix with the blood and help it through the most difficult and tortuous passages to the heart. The poor man, as he was not straightened for time, had given it here in a larger dose. It is certainly he had a way of bringing it into less form for the many certain causes he had to do within the streets. But how he contrived to correct, sweeten, consenter and qualify it, I vexed not my spirit with the inquiry. It is enough the beggar gained two twelve soupieses and they can best tell the rest who have gained much greater matters by it. Application. We get forward in the world not so much by doing services as receiving them. You take a withering twig and put it in the ground and then you water it because you have planted it. Monsieur le Comte de Bi, merely because he had done me one kindness in the affair of my passport, would go on and do me another a few days he was at Paris in making me known to a few people of rank and they were to present me to others and so on. I had got master of my secret just in time to turn those honors to some little account. Otherwise, as is commonly the case, I should have dined or subbed a single time or two round translating French looks and attitudes into plain English. I should presently have seen that I had got hold of the couvert, note, plate, napkin, knife, fork and spoon, end of note, of some more entertaining guest and in course of time should have resigned all my places one after another merely upon the principle that I could not keep them. As it was, things did not go much amiss. I had the honor of being introduced to the old Marquis de Bi. In days of yore he had signalized himself by some small feats of chivalry in the Cour d'Amour and had dressed himself out to the idea of tilts and tournaments ever since. The Marquis de Bi wished to have it, thought the affair was somewhere else than in his brain. He could like to take a trip to England and ask much of the English ladies. There you are, I beseech you, Monsieur le Marquis, said I. Les messieurs anglais can scarce get a kind look from them as it is. The Marquis invited me to supper. Monsieur Pi, the former general, was just as inquisitive about our taxes. They were very considerable, he heard. If we knew but how to collect them, said I, making him a low bow. I could never have been invited to Monsieur Pi's concerts without any other terms. I had been misrepresented to Madame de Q as an esprit. Madame de Q was an esprit herself. She burned with impatience to see me and hear me talk. I had not taken my seat before I saw she did not care as soon whether I had any wit or no. I was led in to be convinced she had. I call heaven to witness I never once open the door of my lips. Madame de Vi vowed to every creature she met she had never had a more improving conversation with a man in her life. There are three epochs in the empire of a French woman. She is coquette, then deiste, then devote. The empire during these is never lost. She only changes her subjects. When thirty-five years and more heaven peopled her dominion of the slaves of love she repeoples it with slaves of infidelity and then with the slaves of the church. Madame de Vi was vibrating between the first of these epochs. The color of the rose was fading fast away. She ought to have been a deiste five years before the time I had the honor to pay my first visit. She placed me upon the same sofa with her for the sake of disputing the point of religion more closely. In short, Madame de Vi told me she believed nothing. I told Madame de Vi it might be her principle but I was sure it could not be her interest to level the artworks without which I could not conceive how such a citadel as hers could be defended that there was not a more dangerous thing in the world than for a beauty to be a deiste and it was adept I owed my creed not to conceal it from her that I had not been five minutes upon the sofa beside her before I had begun to form designs. And what is it but the sentiments of religion and the persuasion they had existed in her breast which could have checked them as they rose up? We are not adamant, said I, taking hold of her hand and there is need of all restraints till age in her own time steals in and lays them on us. But, my dear lady, said I, kissing her hand, it is too too soon. I declare I had the credit all over Paris of unperverting Madame de Vi. She affirmed to Monsieur D. and via B.M. than in one-half hour I had said more for revealed religion than all the Encyclopedia had said against it. I was listed directly into Madame de Vi's coterie and she put off the epoch of daisim for two years. I remember it was in this coterie, in the middle of a discourse in which I was showing the necessity of a first course that the young Count de Fignan took me by the hand to the farthest corner of the room to tell me that my solitaire was pinned too straight about my neck. It should be plus badinant, said the Count, looking down upon his own. But a word, Monsieur Eurique, to the wise. And from the wise, Monsieur Le Comte, replied I, making him a bow, is enough. The Count de Fignan embraced me with more order than ever was embraced by mortal men. For three weeks together I was of every man's opinion I met. Partie, ce Monsieur Eurique a autant d'esprit que nous autres. Il raisonne bien, c'est de novo. C'est un bon enfant, c'est de third. And at this price I could have eaten and drunk and been married all the days of my life at Paris. But it was a dishonest reckoning. I grew ashamed of it. It was the gain of a slave. Every sentiment of honour revolted against it. The high I got, the more was I forced upon my beggarly system. The better the coterie, the more children of art I languished for those of nature. And one night, after a most vile prostitution of myself to half a dozen different people, I grew sick, went to bed, and ordered horses in the morning to set out for Italy. Contrast. A shoe-coming loose from the forefoot of the thill-horse at the beginning of the ascent of Mount Torira, the chastignon dismounted, twisted the shoe off, and put it in his pocket. As the ascent was of five or six miles and that hauls our main dependence, I made a point of having the shoe fastened on again, as well as we could, but the bastillion had thrown away the nades, and the hammer in the chase-box being of no great use without them, I submitted to go on. He had not mounted half a mile higher when, coming to a flinty piece of road, the old devil lost a second shoe and from off his other forefoot. I then got out of the chase in good earnest and, seeing a house about a quarter of a mile to the left hand, with a great deal to do, I prevailed upon the bastillion to turn up to it. The look of the house and of everything about it, as we drew nearer, soon reconciled me to the disaster. It was a little farmhouse surrounded with about twenty acres of vineyard, about as much corn, and to the house on one side was a potagerie of a nacre and a half, full of everything which could make plenty in a French peasant's house, and on the other side was a little wood which furnished wear with all to dress it. It was about eight in the evening when I got to the house, so I left the bastillion to manage his point as he could, and for mine I walked directly into the house. The family consisted of an old grey-headed man with five or six sons and sons-in-laws and their several wives and a joyous genealogy out of them. They were all sitting down together to their lentil soup. A large wheaten loaf was in the middle of the table and a flatten of wine at each end of it promised joy through the stages of the repast. It was a feast of love. The old man rose up to meet me and with a respectful cordiality would have me sit down at the table. My heart was sat down the moment I entered the room, so I sat down at once like a son of the family and to invest myself in the character as speedily as I could, I instantly borrowed the old man's knife and, taking up the loaf, got myself a hearty luncheon. And, as I did it, I saw a testimony in every eye, not only of an honest welcome, but of a welcome mixed with thanks that I had not seemed to doubt it. Was it this, or tell me, Nature, what else it was that made this morsel so sweet and to what magic I owe it that the droid I took of their flag was so delicious with it that they remain upon my palate to this hour? If the supper was to my taste, the grace which followed it was much more so. When supper was over, the old man gave a knock upon the table with the half of his knife to bid them prepare for the dance. The moment the signal was given, the women and girls ran altogether into a back apartment to tie up their hair and the young men to the door to wash their faces and change their sabote. And in three minutes every soul was ready upon the little esplanade before the house to begin. The old man and his wife came out last and, placing me betwixt them, sat down upon a sofa of turf by the door. The old man had some fifty years ago in no mean performer upon the Vielle. Note the small violin such as was used by the wandering jongleur of the middle-aged editor. End of note. And at the age he was then of, touched well enough for the purpose. His wife sung now and then a little to the tune, then intermitted and joined her old man again as their children and grandchildren danced before them. It was not till the middle of the second dance when, from some poses in the movement wherein they all seemed to look up, I fancied I could distinguish an elevation of spirit different from that which is the cause or the effect of simple jollity. In a word I thought I beheld religion mixing in the dance. But as I had never seen her so engaged I should have looked upon it now as one of the illusions of an imagination which is eternally misleading me had not the old man as soon as the dance ended said that this was their constant way and that all his life long he had made it a rule after supper was over to call out his family to dance and rejoice believing, he said, that a cheerful and contented mind was the best sort of things to heaven that an illiterate peasant could pay. Or learn prelet either, said I. When you have gained the top of Mount Torira you weren't presently down to Lyon. Adieu then to all rapid movements. It is a journey of caution and it fares better with sentiments not to be in a hurry with them so I contracted with a valterine to take his time with a couple of mules and convey me in my own chase safe to terrain through Savoy. Poor, patient, quiet, honest people, fear not. Your poverty, the treasury of your simple virtues will not be envied you by the world nor will your values be invaded by it. Nature, in the midst of thy disorders thou art still friendly to the scantiness thou hast created. With all thy great works about thee little hast thou left to give either to the scythe or to the sickle but to that little though grant us safety and protection and sweet are the dwellings which stand so sheltered. End of section 14 Section 15 of Library of the World's Best Mystery and Detective Stories Volume 3 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Library of the World's Best Mystery and Detective Stories Volume 3 by Julian Hawthorne, Editor Section 15 on Being Found Out by William Makepeace Thackeray At the close, let us say, of Queen Anne's reign when I was a boy at a private and preparatory school for young gentlemen I remember the wiseacre of a master ordering us all one night to march into a little garden at the back of the house and thence to proceed one by one into a tool or hen house. I was but a tender little thing just put into short clothes and can't exactly say whether the house was for tools or hens and in that house to put our hands into a sack which stood on a bench a candle burning beside it I put my hand into the sack my hand came out quite black I went and joined the other boys in the school room and all their hands were black too By reason of my tender age and there are some critics who I hope will be satisfied by my acknowledging that I am 156 next birthday I could not understand what was the meaning of this night excursion this candle, this tool-house this bag of soot I think we little boys were taken out of our sleep to be brought to the ordeal came then and showed our little hands to the master washed them or not most probably I should say not and so went bewildered back to bed something had been stolen in the school that day and Mr. Wiseacre having read in a book of an ingenious method of finding out a thief by making him put his hand into a sack which if guilty the rogue would shirk from doing all we boys were subjected to the trial goodness knows what the lost object was or who stole it we all had black hands to show the master and the thief, whoever he was was not found out that time I wonder if the rascal is alive an elderly scoundrel he must be by this time and a hoary old hypocrite to whom an old school fellow presents his kindest regards parenthetically remarking what a dreadful place that private school was cold chill-blanes bad dinners not enough vitals and caning awful are you alive still I say you nameless villain who escaped discovery on that day of crime I hope you have escaped often since old sinner ah what a lucky thing it is for you and me my man that we are not found out in all our peccadillos and that our backs can slip away from the master and the cane just consider what life would be if every rogue was found out and flogged quorum papulo what a buttery what an indecency what an endless swishing of the rod don't cry out about my misanthropy my good friend mealy mouth I will trouble you to tell me do you go to church when there do you say or do you not that you are a miserable sinner and saying so do you believe or disbelieve it if you are a miserable sinner don't you deserve correction and aren't you grateful if you were to be let off I say again what a blessed thing it is that we are not all found out just picture to yourself everybody who does wrong being found out and punished accordingly fancy all the boys in all the school being whipped and then the assistants and then the headmaster dr. badford let us call him fancy the provost marshal being tied up having previously super intended the correction of the whole army after the young gentlemen have had their turn for their faulty exercises fancy dr. lincoln's inn being taken up for certain faults in his essay and review after the clergyman has cried his becavi suppose we hoist up a bishop and give him a couple of dozen I see my lord bishop of double gloucesters sitting in a very uneasy posture on his right reverend bench after we have cast off the bishop what are we to say to the minister who appointed him my lord sink warden it is painful to have to use personal correction to a boy of your age but really cyst a tandem carnifex the butchery is too horrible the hand drops powerless appalled at the quantity of birch which it must cut and brandish I am glad we are not all found out I say again and protest my dear brethren and our having our deserts to fancy all men found out and punished as bad enough but imagine all the women found out in the distinguished social circle in which you and I have the honor to move is it not a mercy that a many of these fair criminals remain unpunished and undiscovered there is mrs. longbow who is forever practicing and who shoots poisoned arrows too when you meet her call her a liar and charge her with the wickedness she has done and is doing there is mrs. painter who passes for a most respectable woman and a model in society there is no use in saying what you really know regarding her and her goings on there is diana hunter what a little haughty prude it is and yet we know stories about her which are not altogether edifying i say it best for the sake of the good that the bad should not all be found out you don't want your children to know the history of that lady in the next box who is so handsome and whom they admire so ah me what would life be if we were all found out and punished for all our faults jack catch would be impermanence then who would hang jack catch they talk of murderers being pretty certainly found out i have heard an authority awfully competent and declare that scores and hundreds of murders are committed and nobody is the wiser that terrible man mentioned one or two ways of committing murder which he maintained were quite common and were scarcely ever found out a man for instance comes home to his wife and but i pause i know that this magazine has a very large circulation hundreds and hundreds of thousands why not say a million of people at once well say a million read it and among these countless readers i might be teaching some monster how to make away with his wife without being found out some fiend of a woman how to destroy her dear husband i will not then tell this easy and simple way of murder as communicated to me by a most respectable party in the confidence of private intercourse suppose some gentle reader would try this most simple and easy receipt it seems to me almost infallible and come to grief and consequence and be found out and hanged should i ever pardon myself for having been the means of doing injury to a single one of our esteemed subscribers the prescription whereof i speak that is to say whereof i don't speak shall be buried in this bosom no i am a humane man i am not one of your blue beards to go and say to my wife my dear i am going away for a few days to brighten for all the keys to the house you may open every door in closet except the one at the end of the oak room opposite the fireplace with the little bronze shakespear on the mantelpiece or what not i don't say this to a woman unless to be sure i want to get rid of her because after such a caution i know she'll peep into the closet i say nothing about the closet at all i keep the key in my pocket and a being whom i love but who as i know has many weaknesses out of harm's way you toss up your head dear angel, drub on the ground with your lovely little feet on the table with your sweet rosy fingers and cry oh sneerer you don't know the depth of woman's feeling the lofty scorn of all deceit the entire absence of mean curiosity in the sex or never never would you libel us so ah delia, dear, dear delia it is because i fancy i do know something about you not all mind no no, no man knows that ah my bride, my ring dove my rose, my poppet choose in fact whatever name you like bull bull of my grove fountain of my desert sunshine of my darkling life and joy of my dungeon's existence it is because i do know a little about you that i conclude to say nothing of that private closet and keep my key in my pocket you take away that closet key then and the house key you lock delia in you keep her out of harm's way and gadding and so she never can be found out and yet by little strange accidents and coincidence how we are being found out every day you remember that old story of the abbey kukatos who told the company at supper one night how the first confession he ever received was from a murderer let us say presently enters to supper the marquee de croquet m'étain possum blue abbey says the brilliant marquee taking a pinch of snuff are you here gentlemen and ladies i was the abbey's first penitent and i made him a confession which i promise you astonished him to be sure how queerly things are found out here is an instance only the other day i was writing in these roundabout papers about a certain man whom i facetiously called bags and who had abused me to my friends of course told me shortly after that paper was published another friend sax let us call him scowls fiercely at me as i am sitting in a perfect good humour at the club and passes on without speaking a cut a quarrel sax thinks it is about him that i was writing whereas upon my honour and conscience i never had him once in my mind and was pointing my moral from quite another man but don't you see by this wrath of the guilty conscience sax that he had been abusing me too he has owned himself guilty never having been accused he has winced when nobody thought of hitting him i did but put the cap out and madly budding and chafing behold my friend rushes out to put his head into it nevermind sax you are found out but i bear you no malice my man and yet to be found out i know from my own experience must be painful and odious and cruelly mortifying to the inward vanity suppose i am a paltrune let us say with fierce mustache loud talk plentiful oaths and an immense stick i keep up nevertheless a character for courage i swear fearfully at cabman and women brandish my legend and perhaps knock down a little man or two with it brag of the images which i break at the shooting gallery and pass among my friends for a whiskey fire eater afraid of neither man nor dragon ah me suppose some brisk little chap steps up and gives me a caning in st james street with all the heads of my friends looking out of all the club windows my reputation is gone i frighten no man more my nose is pulled by whippersnappers who jump up on a chair to reach it i am found out and in the days of my triumphs when people were yet afraid of me and were taken in by my swagger i always knew that i was a lily liver and expected that i should be found out some day that certainty of being found out must haunt and oppress many in the ocean of spirit let us say it as a clergyman who can pump copious floods of tears out of his own eyes and those of his audience he thinks to himself i am but a poor swindling chattering rogue my bills are unpaid i've jilted several women whom i have promised to marry i don't know whether i believe what i preach and i know i have stolen the very sermon over which i have been sniveling as his head drops down on the cushion then your writer poet historian novelist or what not the beacon says that jones work is one of the first order the lamp declares that jones tragedy surpasses every work since the days of him of avon the comet asserts that jay's life of goodie two shoes is a noble and enduring commitment to the fame of that admirable english woman and so forth but then jones knows that he has lent the critic of the beacon five pounds that his publisher has half a share in the lamp and that the comet comes repeatedly to dine with him it is all very well jones is immortal until he is found out and then down comes the extinguisher and the immortal is dead and buried the idea of discovery must haunt many a man and make him uneasy as the trumpets are puffing in his triumph brown who has a higher place than he deserves cowers before smith who has found him out what is the chorus of critic shouting bravo a public clapping hands and flinging garlands brown knows that smith has found him out tough trumpets wave banners huzzah boys for the immortal brown this is all very well brown thinks bowing the while smiling laying his hand to his heart but there stands smith at the window he has measured me and someday the others will find me out too it is a very curious sensation to sit by a man who has found you out and who you know has found you out or vice versa to sit with a man whom you have found out his talent his virtue we know a little story or two about his virtue and he knows we know it we are thinking over friend robinsons and decedents as we grin bow and talk and we are both humbugs together robinsons is a good fellow is he you know how he behaved to hicks a good natured man is he pray do you remember that little story of mrs robinsons black eye how men have to work to talk to smile to go to bed and try and sleep with this dread of being found out on their consciences bardolf who has robbed a church and nim who has taken a purse go to their usual haunts and smoke their pipes with their companions mr detective bullseye appears and says oh bardolf i want you about that their pics business mr bardolf knocks the ashes out of his pipe puts out his hands to the little steel cuffs and walks away quite meekly he has found out he must go goodbye doll tear sheet goodbye mrs quickly ma'am other gentlemen and ladies dela society look on and exchange with the departing friends and an assured time will come when the other gentlemen and ladies will be found out too what a wonderful and beautiful provision of nature it has been that for the most part our womankind are not endowed with the faculty of finding us out they don't doubt and probe and weigh and take your measure lay down this paper my benevolent friend and reader go into your drawing room now and utter a joke ever so old and i wager six pence the ladies there will all begin to laugh go to brown's house and tell mrs brown and the young ladies what you think of him and see what a welcome you will get in like manner let him come to your house and tell your good lady his candid opinion of you and fancy so she will receive him would you have your wife and children know you exactly for what you are and esteem you precisely at your worth if so my friend you will live in a dreary house and you will have but a chilly fireside do you suppose the people round it don't see your homely face as under a glamour and as it were with a halo of love round it you don't fancy you are as you seem to them no such thing my man put away that monstrous conceit and be thankful that they have not found you out end of section 15 recording by ronda fetterman section 16 of library of the world's best mystery and detective stories volume 3 this is a library of ox recording all library of ox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libraryvox.org recording by drew piston library of the world's best mystery and detective stories volume 3 by Julian Hawthorne editor section 16 the pipe by anonymous Randolph Crescent NW my dear pew I hope you will like the pipe which I send with this it is rather a curious example of a certain type of Indian carving and is a present from yours truly Joseph Tress it was really very handsome of Tress very handsome the more especially as I was aware that to give presence was not exactly in Tress's line the truth is that when I saw what manner of pipe it was I was amazed it was contained in a sandalwood box which was itself with some remarkable specimens of carving I use the word remarkable advisedly because although the workmanship was undoubtedly in its way artistic the result could not be described as beautiful the carver had thought proper to ornament the box with some of the ugliest figures I remember to have seen they appeared to me to be devils or perhaps they were intended to represent deities appertaining to some mythological system with which thank goodness I am unacquainted the pipe itself was worthy of the case in which it was contained it was of Mirsham with an amber mouthpiece it was rather too large for ordinary smoking but then of course one doesn't smoke a pipe like that there are pipes in my collection which I should as soon think of smoking as I should of eating ask a China maniac to let you have afternoon tea out of his old Chelsea and you will learn some home truths as to the durability of human friendships the glory of the pipe as Tress had suggested lay in its carving not that I claim that it was beautiful any more than I make such a claim for the carving on the box but as Tress said in his note it was curious the stem and the bowl were quite plain but on the edge of the bowl was perched some kind of lizard I told myself it was an octopus when I first saw it but I have since had reason to believe that it was some almost unique member of the lizard tribe the creature was represented as climbing over the edge of the bowl down toward the stem and its legs or feelers or tentacula or whatever the things are called where if I may use a vulgarism sprawling about all over the place for instance two or three of them were twined about the bowl two or three of them were twisted round the stem and one a particularly horrible one was uplifted in the air so if you put the pipe in your mouth the thing was pointing straight at your nose not the least agreeable feature about the creature was that it was hideously life-like it appeared to have been carved in amber but some coloring matter must have been introduced for inside the amber the creature was of a peculiarly ghastly green the more I examined the pipe the more amazed I was at Tress's generosity he and I are rival collectors I'm not going to say in so many words that his collection of pipes contains nothing but rubbish because as a matter of fact he has two or three rather decent specimens but to compare his collection to mine would be absurd Tress is conscious of this and he resents it he resents it to such an extent that he has been known at least on one occasion to declare that one single pipe of his I believe he alluded to the brumagem relic preposterously attributed to Sir Walter Raleigh was worth the whole of my collection put together although I have forgotten this as I hope I always shall forgive remarks made when envious passions get the better of our nobler nature even of a Joseph Tress it is not to be supposed that I have forgotten it he was therefore not at all the sort of person from whom I expected to receive a present and such a present I do not believe that he himself had a finer pipe in his collection and to have given it to me I had misjudged the man I wondered where he had got it from I had seen his pipes I knew them off by heart and some nice trumper he has among them too I have never seen that pipe before the more I looked at it the more my amazement grew the beast perched upon the edge of the bowl was so lifelike it is to be like I seemed to gleam at me with positively human intelligence the pipe fascinated to such an extent that I actually resolved to smoke it I filled it with perique ordinarily I used bird's eye but on those very rare occasions on which I used a specimen I smoked perique with a small sensation of excitement as I did so I kept my eyes perforce fixed upon the beast the beast pointed its upraised tentacle directly at me as I inhaled the pungent tobacco that that tentacle impressed me with a feeling of actual uncanniness it was broad daylight and I was smoking in front of the window yet to such an extent was I affected that it seemed to me that the tentacle was not only vibrating which, according to the peculiarity of its position was quite within the range of probability but actually moving elongating stretching forward that is farther toward me and toward the tip of my nose so impressed was I by this idea that I took the pipe out of my mouth and minutely examined the beast really the delusion was excusable so cunningly had the artist wrought that he succeeded in producing a creature which such was its uncanniness I could only hope had no original in nature replacing the pipe between my lips I took several whiffs never had smoking had such an effect on me before either the pipe or the creature on it exercised some singular fascination I seemed without an instance warning to be passing into some land of dreams I saw the beast which was perched upon the ball writhe and twist I saw it lift itself bodily from the mirsham feeling better now I looked up Joseph Tress was speaking what's the matter have I been ill you appear to have been in some kind of swoon Tress's tone was peculiar even a little dry swoon I never was guilty of such a thing in my life nor was I until I smoked that pipe I sat up the act of sitting up made me conscious of the fact that I had been lying down conscious too that I was feeling more than a little dazed it seemed as though I was waking out of some strange lethargic sleep a kind of feeling which I have read of and heard about but never before experienced where am I you're on the couch in your own room you were on the floor but I thought it would be better to pick you up and place you on the couch though no one performed the same kind office to me when I was on the floor again Tress's tone was distinctly dry how came you here ah that's the question he rubbed his chin a habit of his which has annoyed me more than once before do you think you're sufficiently recovered to enable you to understand a simple explanation I stared at him amazed he went on stroking his chin the truth is that when I sent you the pipe I made a slight omission an omission I admitted to advise you not to smoke it and why because well I have reason to believe the thing is drugged drugged or poisoned poisoned I was wide awake enough then I jumped off the couch with a celebrity which proved it it is this way I became its owner in rather a singular manner he paused as if for me to make a remark but I was silent it is not often that I smoke a specimen but for some reason I did smoke this I commenced to smoke it that is how long I continued to smoke it is more than I can say it had on me the same peculiar effect which it appears to have had on you when I recovered consciousness I was lying on the floor on the floor on the floor in about as uncomfortable a position as you can easily conceive I was lying face down with my legs bent under me I was never so surprised in my life as when I found myself where I was at first I suppose that I had had a stroke but by degrees it dawned upon me that I didn't feel as though I had had a stroke dress by the way has been an army surgeon I was conscious of distinct nausea looking about I saw the pipe with me it had fallen on the floor I took it for granted considering the delicacy of the carving that the fall had broken it but when I picked it up I found it quite uninjured while I was examining it a thought flashed to my brain might it not be answerable for what had happened to me suppose for instance it was drugged I had heard of such things besides in my case were present all the symptoms of drug poisoning though what drug had been used I couldn't in the least conceive I resolved that I would give the pipe another trial on yourself or on another party meaning me on myself my dear pew on myself at that point of my investigations I had not begun to think of you I lit it up and had another smoke with what result well that depends on the standpoint from which you regard the whole thing from one point of view the result was wholly satisfactory I proved that the thing was drugged and more did you have another fall I did and something else besides on that account I presume you resolved to pass the treasure on to me partly on that account and partly on another on my word I appreciate your generosity you might have labeled the thing as poison exactly but then you must remember how often you have told me that you never smoke your specimens that was no reason why you shouldn't have given me a hint that the thing was more dangerous than dynamite that did occur to me afterwards therefore I called the supply the slight omission slight omission you call it I wonder would you have called it if you had found me dead if I had known that you intended smoking it I should not have been at all surprised if I had really Tress I appreciate your kindness more and more where is this example of your splendid benevolence have you pocketed it in your laps in the unaccustomed paths of generosity or is it smashed to atoms neither the one nor the other you will find the pipe upon the table I neither desire its restoration nor is it in any way injured it is merely an expression of personal opinion when I say that I don't believe that it could be injured of course having discovered its deleterious properties you will not want to smoke it again you will therefore be able to enjoy the consciousness of being the possessor of what I honestly believe to be the most remarkable pipe in existence good day pew he was gone before I could say a word I immediately concluded from the precipitancy of his flight that the pipe was injured but when I subjected it to close examination I could discover no signs of damage while I was still eyeing it with jealous scrutiny the door reopened and Tress came in again by the way pew there's one thing I might mention especially as I know it won't make any difference to you that depends on what it is if you have changed your mind and want the pipe back again I tell you frankly that it won't in my opinion a thing once given is given for good quite so I don't want it back again you may make your mind easy on that point I merely wanted to tell you why I gave it to you you have told me that already only partly my dear pew only partly you don't suppose I should have given you such a pipe as that merely because it happened to be drugged scarcely I gave it to you because I discovered from indisputable evidence and to my cost that it was haunted haunted yes haunted good day he was gone again I ran out of the room and shouted after him down the stairs to the bottom of the flight dress come back what do you mean by talking such nonsense of course it's only nonsense we know that sort of thing always his nonsense but if you should have any reason to suppose that there is something in it besides nonsense you may think it worth your while to make inquiries of me but I won't have that pipe back again in my possession on any terms mind that the bang of the front door told me that he had gone out into the street I let him go I laughed to myself as I re-entered the room haunted that was not a bad idea of his I saw the whole position at a glance the truth of the matter was that he did regret his generosity and he was ready to go to any lengths if he could only succeed in cajoling me into restoring his gift he was aware that I have views upon certain matters which are not wholly in accordance with those which are popularly supposed to be the views of the day and particularly that on the question of what are commonly called supernatural visitations I have a standpoint of my own therefore it was not a bad move on his part to try to make me believe that about the pipe on which he knew I had set my heart there was something which could not be accounted for by ordinary laws yet as his own sense would have told him it would do if he had only allowed himself to reflect for a moment the move failed because I am not yet so far gone as to suppose that a pipe a thing of mirsham and amber in the sense in which I understand the word could be haunted a pipe a mere pipe hello I thought the creature's legs were twined right round the bull I was holding the pipe in my hand regarding it with the affectionate eyes with which a connoisseur does regard a curio when I induced to make this exclamation I was certainly under the impression that when I first took the pipe out of the box two if not three of the feelers have been twined about the bull twined tightly so that you could not see daylight between them and it now they were almost entirely detached only the tips touching the mirsham and those particular feelers would gather up as though the creature were in the act of taking the spring of course I was under misapprehension the feelers couldn't have been twined a moment before I should have been ready to bet a thousand to one that there were still one does make mistakes and very egregious mistakes at times at the same time I confess that when I saw that dreadful looking animal poised on the extreme edge of the bull for all the world as though it were just going to spring at me I was a little started I remembered that when I was smoking the pipe I did think I saw the uplifted tentacle moving as though it were reaching out to me and I had a clear recollection that just as I had been sinking into that strange state of unconsciousness I had been under the impression that the creature was writhing and twisting as though it had suddenly become instinct with life under the circumstances these reflections were not pleasant I was stressed had not talked that nonsense about the thing being haunted it was surely sufficient to know that it was drugged and poisonous without anything else I replaced it in the sandalwood box I locked the box in a cabinet quite apart from the question as to whether that pipe was or was not haunted I know it haunted me it was with me in a figurative which was worse than actual since all the day still worse it was with me all the night it was with me in my dreams such dreams possibly I had not yet wholly recovered from the effects of that insidious drug but whether or no it was very wrong of trust to set my thoughts into such a channel that knows that I am of a highly imaginative temperament and that it is easier to get morbid thoughts into my mind than to get them out again before that night was through I wished very heartily that I had never seen the pipe I woke from one nightmare to fall into another one dreadful dream was with me all the time of a hideous green reptile which advanced toward me out of some awful darkness slowly inch by inch until it clutched me around the neck and gluing its lips to mine sucked the life's blood out of my veins as it embraced me with a slimy kiss such dreams are not restful I woke anything but refreshed when the morning came and when I got up and dressed I felt that on the whole it would perhaps have been better if I had never had gone to bed my nerves were unstrung and I had that generally tremulous feeling which is I believe an inseparable companion of the more advanced stages of Dipsomnia I ate no breakfast I am no breakfast eater as a rule but that morning I ate absolutely nothing if this sort of thing is to continue I would let Tressa have his pipe again he may have the laugh of me but anything is better than this it was with almost funeral foreboding so that I went to the cabinet in which I had placed the sandalwood box but when I opened it my feelings of gloom partially vanished of what fantasies had I been guilty it must have been an entire delusion on my part to suppose those tentacular had ever been twined about the ball the creature was in exactly the same position in which I had left the day before as of course I knew it would be poised as if about the spring I was telling myself how foolish I had been to allow myself to dwell for a moment on Tressa's words when Martin Bratcher was shown in Bratcher is an old friend of mine we have a common ground ghosts only we approach them from different points of view he takes the scientific psychological and query side he's always anxious to hear of a ghost so that he may have an opportunity of showing it up I have something in your line here I observed as he came in in my line how so I'm not pipe mad no but you're ghost mad this is a haunted pipe a haunted pipe I think you're rather more mad about my ghosts my dear pew than I am than I told him all about it he was deeply interested especially when I told him that the pipe was drugged but when I repeated Tressa's words about it's being haunted and mentioned my own delusion about the creature moving he took a more serious view of the case than I expected he would do I propose that we act on Tressa's suggestion and make inquiries of him but you don't really think that there's anything in it on these subjects I never allow myself to think at all there are Tressa's words and there is your story I just agreed on all hands that the pipe has peculiar properties it seems to me that there is a sufficient case here to merit inquiry he persuaded me I went with him the pipe in the sandalwood box went to Tressa received us with a grin a grin which was accentuated when I placed the sandalwood box on the table you understand he said that a gift is a gift on no terms will I consent to receive that pipe back in my possession I was rather meddled by his tone you need be under no alarm I have no intention of suggesting anything of the kind our business here began brasher I must own that his manner is a little ponderous is of a scientific I may say also and the same time of a judicial nature our object is the pursuit of truth and the advancement of inquiry have you been trying another smoke in quiet Tressa nodding his head toward me before I had time to answer brasher when drawing on our friend here tells me that you say this pipe is haunted I say it is haunted because it is haunted I looked at Tressa I have suspected that he was poking fun at us but he appeared to be serious enough in these matters remarked brasher as though he were giving utterance to an important truth there is a scientific and a non-scientific method of inquiry the scientific method is to begin at the beginning I ask how this pipe came into your possession Tressa paused before he answered you may ask he paused again oh you certainly may ask but it doesn't follow that I shall tell you surely your object like ours can be but spreading about of the truth I don't see it at all it is possible to imagine a case in which the spreading about of the truth might make me look a little awkward indeed brasher pursed up his lips your words almost lead one to suppose that there was something about your method of acquiring the pipe which you have good and weighty reasons for concealing I don't know why I should conceal the thing from you I don't suppose either of you is any better than I am I don't mind telling you how I got the pipe I stole it stole it brasher seemed both amazed and shocked but I who had previous experience of Tressa's methods of adding to his collection was not at all surprised some of the pipes which he calls his if only the whole truth about the more publicly known would send him to jail that's nothing he continued I'll collect or steal the eighth commandment was not intended to apply to them why Pew there has conveyed three fourths of the pipe which he flatters himself or his I was so dumbfounded by the charge that it took my breath away I sat in an astounded silence Tressa went raving on I was so shy of this particular pipe when I had obtained it that I put it away for quite three months I took it out to have a look at it something about the thing so tickled me that I resolved to smoke it owing to peculiar circumstances attending the manner in which the thing came into my possession on which I need not dwell you don't like to dwell on those sort of things do you Pew I knew really nothing about the pipe as was the gaze with Pew one peculiarity I learned from actual experience it was also from actual experience that I learned that the thing was well I said haunted but you may use any other word you like tell us as briefly as possible what it was you really did discover take the pipe out of the box Brasher took the pipe out of the box and held it in his hand you see that creature on it well when I first had it it was underneath the pipe how do you mean that it was underneath the pipe it was bunched together underneath the stem just at the end of the mouthpiece in the same way in which a fly might be suspended from the ceiling when I began to smoke the pipe I saw the creature move but I thought that unconsciousness immediately followed it did follow but not before I saw that the thing was moving it was because I thought that I had been in a way a victim of delirium that I tried the second smoke suspecting that the thing was drugged I swallowed what I believed would prove a powerful antidote it enabled me to resist the influence of the narcotic much longer than before and while I still retained my senses I saw the creature crawl along the stem and over the bowl it was that sight I believe as much as anything else which sent me silly when I came to I then and there decided to present the pipe to Pew there is one more thing I would remark when the pipe left me the creature's legs were twined about the ball now they are withdrawn possibly you Pew I will to cap my little story with the little one which is all your own I certainly did imagine that I saw the creature move I suppose that while I was under the influence of the drug imagination had played me a trick not a bit of it depend upon it the beast is bewitched even to my eye it looks as though it were into a trained eye like yours Pew you've been looking for the devil a long time and you've got him at last I I wish you wouldn't make those remarks Tress they jar on me I confess interpolated Brasher I noticed that he had put the pipe down on the table as though he were tired of holding it that to my thinking such remarks are not appropriate at the same time what you have told us is I am bound to allow a little curious but of course what I require is ocular demonstration I haven't seen the movement myself no what you very soon will do if you care to have a pull at the pipe on your own account no Brasher to oblige me there's a deer it appears then that the movement is only observable when the pipe is smoked we have at least arrived at step number one here's a match Brasher light it up and we shall have arrived at step number two Tress lit a match and held it out to Brasher Brasher retreated from its neighborhood thank you Mr. Tress I am no smoker as you are aware and I have no desire to acquire the art of smoking by means of a poisoned pipe Tress laughed he blew out the match and threw it into the grate then I'll tell you what I'll do I'll have a Bob Bob why Bob Bob whose real name was Robert Haines though I should think he must have forgotten the fact so seldom was he addressed by it was Tress's servant he had been an old soldier he accompanied his master when he left the service he was as depraved a character as Tress himself I am not sure even that he was not worse than his master I shall never forget how he once behaved toward myself he actually had the assurance to accuse me of attempting to steal the Wadour street relic which Tress fondly deludes himself was once the property of Sir Walter Rale the truth is that I had slipped it into my pocket in a fit of absence of mind a man who could accuse me of such a thing would be guilty of anything I was therefore quite at one with Brasher when he explained what Bob could possibly be wanted for Tress explained I'll get him to smoke the pipe he said Brasher and I exchanged glances but we refrained from speech I won't do him any harm said Tress what? not a poisoned pipe I asked Brasher it's not poisoned it's only drugged only drugged nothing hurts Bob he is like an ostrich he has digestive organs which are peculiarly his own it will only serve him as it served me and Pew it will knock him over it is all done in the pursuit of truth and for the advancement of inquiry I could see that Brasher did not altogether like the tone in which he spoke to me it was not to be supposed that I should put myself out in a matter which in no way concerned me if Tress chose to poison the man it was his affair not mine he went to the door and shouted Bob come here you scoundrel that is the way in which he speaks to him no really decent servant would stand it I shouldn't care to address Nalder my servant in such a way he would give me notice on the spot Bob came in with a fellow who is always on the grin Tress had a decanter of brandy in his hand he filled a tumbler with a neat spirit Bob what would you say to a glass full of brandy the real thing my boy thank you sir and what would you say to a pole at a pipe when the brandy is drunk a pipe the fellow is sharp enough when he likes I saw him look at the pipe upon the table and then at us and then a gleam of intelligence came into his eyes I'd do it for a dollar sir a dollar you thief I meant ten shillings sir ten shillings you brazen vagabond I should have said a pound a pound was ever the like of that do I understand you to ask a pound for taking a pole at your master's pipe I'm thinking that I'll have to make it too the deuce you are you lend me a pound I'm afraid I've left my purse behind then lend me ten shillings ananias I doubt if I have more than five then give me the five and Brasher lend me the other fifteen Brasher lent him the fifteen I doubt if we shall either of us ever see our money again he handed the pound to Bob here's the brandy drink it up Bob drank it without a word draining the glass of every drop and here's the pipe is it poisoned sir poisoned you villain what do you mean it isn't the first time I've seen your trick sir is it now and you're not the one to give a pound for nothing at all if it kills me you'll send my body to my mother she'd like to know I was dead send your body to your grandmother you idiot sit down and smoke Bob sat down Dress had filled the pipe and handed it with the lighted match to Bob the fellow declined the match he handled the pipe there gently turning it over and over eyeing it with his eyes thank you sir I'll light it up myself if it's the same to you I carry matches of my own it's a beautiful pipe entirely I never see the likes of it for ugliness and what's the slimy looking environment that looks as though it would like to have my life is it living or is it dead come we don't want to sit here all day my man well sir the look of this here pipe is quite upset in my stomach I'd like another drop of liquor if it's the same to you another drop why you've had a tumbler full already here's another tumbler full to put on top of that you won't want the pipe to kill you you'll be killed before you get to it and isn't it better to die a natural death Bob emptied the second tumbler of brandy as though it were water I believe you would empty a hog's head without turning a hair then he gave another look at the pipe then taking a match from his waist coast pocket he drew a long breath as though he were resigning himself to fate striking the match on the seat of his trousers while shaded by his hand the flame was gathering strength he looked at each of us in turn when he looked at Tress and winked his eye what my feelings would have been if a servant of mine had winked his eye at me I'm unable to imagine the match was applied to the tobacco a puff of smoke came through his lips the pipe was a light during this process of lighting the pipe we had sat I do not wish to use exaggerated language but we had sat and watched that alcoholic scam's proceedings as though we were witnessing an action which would leave its mark upon the age when we saw the pipe was lighted we gave a simultaneous start Brasher put his hands under his coat tails and gave a kind of hop I raised myself a good six inches from my chair and Tress rubbed his palms together with a chuckle Bob alone was calm now cried Tress you'll see the devil moving Bob took the pipe from between his lips see what he said Bob you rascal put that pipe back into your mouth and smoke it for your life Bob was eyeing the pipe a scans I dare say but what I want to know is whether this here environment's dead or whether he isn't I don't want to have him flying at my nose and he looks vicious enough for anything give me back that pound you thief and get out of my house and bundle I ain't gonna give you back no pound then smoke that pipe I am smoking it ain't I with the utmost deliberation Bob returned the pipe to his mouth he emitted another whiff or two of smoke now now cried Tress all excitement and wagging his hand in the air we gathered around as we did so Bob again withdrew the pipe what is the meaning of all this here I ain't gonna have you playing none of your larks on me I know there's something up but I ain't going to throw my life away for 20 shillings not quite I ain't Tress whose temper is not at any time one of the best was seized with quite a spasm of rage as I live my lad if you try to cheat me by taking that pipe from between your lips until I tell you you leave this room that instant never again to be a servant of mine I presume the fellow knew from long experience when his master meant what he said and when he didn't without an attempted remonstrance he replaced the pipe he continued stolidly to puff away Tress caught me by the arm what did I tell you there there that tentacle is moving the uplifted tentacle was moving it was doing what I had seen it do as I supposed in my distorted imagination it was reaching forward undoubtedly Bob saw what it was doing but whether in obedience to his master's commands or whether because the drug was already beginning to take effect he made no movement to withdraw the pipe he watched the slowly advancing tentacle coming closer and closer toward his nose with an expression of such intense horror on his countenance that it became quite shocking farther and farther the creature reached forward until on a sudden with a sort of jerk the movement assumed a downward direction and the tentacle was slowly lowered until the tip rested on the stem of the pipe for a moment the creature remained motionless I was quieting my nerves with a reflection that this thing was but some trick of Carver's art and that what we had seen we had seen in a sort of nightmare when the whole hideous reptile was seized with what seemed to be a fit of convulsive shuttering it seemed to be an agony it trembled so violently that I expected to see it loosen the hold of the stem and fall to the ground I was sufficiently master of myself to steal a glance at Bob we had had an inkling of what might happen he was wholly unprepared as he saw that dreadful human looking creature coming to life as it seemed within an inch or two of his nose his eyes dilated to twice their usual size I hoped for his sake that unconsciousness would supervene through the action of the drug before through sheer fright his senses left him perhaps mechanically he puffed steadily on the creature shuttering became more violent it appeared to swell before our eyes then just as suddenly as it began the shuttering seized there was another instant of questions then the creature began to crawl along the stem of the pipe it moved with marvelous caution the nearest fraction of an inch at a time but still it moved our eyes were riveted on it with a fascination which was absolutely nauseous I am unpleasantly affected even as I think of it now my dreams of the night before had been nothing to this slowly slowly it went nearer and nearer to the smoker's nose its mode of progression was in the highest degree unsightly it glided never so far as I could see removing its tentacles from the stem of the pipe it slipped its hind most feelers onward until they came up to those which were in advance then in their turn it advanced those which were in front it seemed to to move with the utmost labor shuttering as though it were in pain we were all for our parts speechless I was momentarily hoping that the drug would take effect on Bob either his constitution enabled him to offer a strong resistance to narcotics or else the large quantity of neat spirit which he had drunk acted as Tress had malevolently intended that it should as an antidote it seemed to me that he would never succumb on with the creature on and on in its infinitesimal progression I was spellbound I would have given the world to scream to have been able to utter a sound I could do nothing else but watch the creature had reached the end of the stem it had gained the amber mouthpiece it was within an inch of the smoker's nose still on it went it seemed to move with greater freedom on the amber it increased its rate of progress it was actually touching the foremost feature of the smoker's countenance I expected to see it grip the wretched bod when it began to oscillate from side to side its oscillations increased in violence it fell to the floor that same instant the narcotic prevailed Bob slipped sideways from the chair the pipe still had tightly between his rigid jaws we were silent there lay Bob close beside him lay the creature a few more inches to the left and he would have fallen on and squashed it flat it had fallen on its back its feelers were extended upward they were writhing and twisting and turning in the air Tress was the first to speak I think a little brandy won't be a miss emptying the remainder of the brandy into a glass he swallowed it at a drop now for a closer examination of our friend taking a pair of tongs from the great he nipped the creature between them he deposited it upon the table I rather fancy that this is a case for dissection he took a pin knife from his waistcoat pocket opening a large blade he thrust its point into the object on the table little or no resistance seemed to be offered to the passage of the blade but as it was inserted the tentacular simultaneously began to writhe and twist Tress withdrew the knife I thought so he held the blade out for our inspection the point was covered with some viscate looking matter that's blood the thing's alive alive that's the secret of the whole performance but but me know but's my pew the mystery's exploded one more ghost is lost to the world the person from whom I came to that pipe was an Indian juggler up to many tricks of the trade he or someone for him got hold of the sweet thing and reptiles and a sweeter thing would I imagine be hard to find and covered it with some preparation of possibly gum Arabic he allowed this to harden then he stuck the thing still living for those sort of gentry are hard to kill to the pipe the consequence was that when anyone lit up the warmth was communicated to the adhesive agent again some preparation of gum no doubt it moistened it and the creature with infinite difficulty was able to move but I'm open to lay odds with any gentleman of sporting tastes that this time the creature's traveling days are done it has given me rather a larger taste of the horrors than is good for my digestion with the aid of the tongs he removed the creature from the table he placed it on the hearth before Brasher or I had any notion of what it was he intended to do he covered it with a heavy marble paper weight then he stood upon the weight and between the marble on the hearth he ground the creature flat while the execution was still proceeding Bob set up upon the floor hello yes what's happened we've emptied the bottle Bob said dress but there's another where that came from perhaps you could drink another tumble full my boy Bob drank it footnote these gentry are hard to kill here is fact not fantasy lizard yarns no less sensational than this mystery can be found between the covers of solemn zoological textbooks reptiles indeed are far from finicky in the matters of air, space and especially warmth frogs and other such sluggish blooded creatures have lived after being frozen fast in ice their blood is little warmer than air or water enjoying no extra casing of fur or feathers air and food seem held in light esteem by lizards their blood need not be highly oxygenated it nourishes just as well and impure in temperate climbs lizards lie torpid and buried all winter some species of the tropic deserts sleep peacefully all summer their anatomy includes no means for the continuous introduction and collision of air reptilian lungs are little more than closed sacks without cell structure if any further zoological fact were needed to verify the denouement of the pipe it might be the general statement that lizards are abnormal brutes anyhow consider the chameleons of unsettled you and what is one to think of an animal which when captured by the tail is able to make its escape by willfully shuffling off that appendage editor end of section 16 recording by Drew Piston www.drewpiston.com