 You're listening to W. W. Now it's Armist Brooks starring Eve Arton. Gool was out last week, but Armist Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High, still hasn't decided where she's going on her vacation. However, since Mr. Boynton went right ahead with his plans for the summer, without even consulting her, she was determined to go out with other men while he was away. So even before he left, she decided to put herself back in circulation. It was the only thing to do. But by the time I put myself back in circulation, most of the eligible men were oversubscribed. Nevertheless, I did meet one rather pleasant fellow who dated me a few times, a used car dealer named Sam Peterson. Or, as he was known to the trade, Psychonurotic Sam. Although we weren't exactly soulmates, Sam and I did get along quite well. So well, in fact, that he let me have one of his cars for an errand I had to run for my land I did last Friday morning. Unfortunately, it wasn't one of his better models, because it broke down 10 miles outside of town, and I had to get a taxi to drive me home. The ride back was quite uneventful until we pulled up at my house when I received a nasty shock. That'll be $4.50, lady. What? How much is it without the radio and the heater? That's the fare, $4.50. But that seems rather exorbitant. After all, you hardly drove me 10 miles. $4.50. Is that all you can say? $4.50? No, it'll be an even $5 with the tip. Could I have it, please? Well, the truth of the matter is, I don't have the entire amount on me. I can let you have part of it, though. How much? $0.43. Look, if you could just give me a little time. Sorry, I've run into situations like this before, lady, and nine times out of ten, you never see the people again. But I'm a schoolteacher. That's your problem. I'm sticking around till I get my dough. Well, then I'll go in and see if I can borrow it from my land, lady. You wait right here. If you don't mind, I'll go in with you. But you'll see me go in the front door. It's the back door I'm worried about. Not that I think you're dishonest, lady. I know. It's just that you don't trust me. All right, then, let's go. Just as soon as I see my land, lady, I'll settle up with you. I just hope she's in. Oh, Connie, there you are. I was wondering when you'd be back there. Oh, hello, Mrs. Davis. This is Mr., uh, Mr.... Bench. Fred Bench. Oh, of course. How are you? I've heard so much about you. I feel as if I'd known you for years. Mrs. Davis. You heard about me? Yes, indeed. And the reports weren't a bit exaggerated. Oh, he's as cute as he can be, Connie. Mrs. Davis, Mr. Finch is a cab driver. Well, that's nice. It's about time you were getting away from biologists. Breakfast is on the table, and there's plenty for all three of us. So you go right ahead in, Mr. Finch. Thanks. I wouldn't mind a bite at that. Go right into the dinette, Mr. Finch. We'll join you in a minute. Thanks. Well, at least now I won't have to worry about the tip. Mrs. Davis, what gave you the idea that I'd been dating Mr. Finch or anybody else besides Mr. Boynton? I haven't mentioned anything to you. I know, dear. But Mrs. Jackson saw you out driving last Sunday with some man, and then Mrs. Lane saw you at the movies with him Tuesday evening, and Mrs. Stewart saw you in the bowling alley with a friend on Wednesday. And where did I go last night? I don't know, dear. The reports aren't in yet. Dear, your secret is safe with me. I have no secrets, Mrs. Davis. The gentleman inside happens to be a taxi driver. Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Taxi drivers make wonderful husbands. I'm afraid you still don't understand. I owe him some money for a ride. The fare came to $4.50, and I don't have it. Do you follow me? No. Pardon me, dear. I think I hear the phone. You follow me all right. Could you at least let me have part of it? I'd like to, Connie, but I spent my last few dollars. Now who's that at the back door? Oh, it's probably Walter Denton. I promised Mr. Boynton I'd lend him my valise, and Walter said he'd drive me over there this morning, but that was before I borrowed my friend's car and before I had to take a taxi and before I had to borrow some money to pay for it and before I wished I was dead. Come in, Walter. The door's open. There's the answer to your problem, Connie. Walter and Mr. Boynton. Oh, no. Walter's too young, and Mr. Boynton's too Mr. Boynton. Oh, you mean my monetary problem? Yes. You've laid out money for Walter's lunches all term long. Not to mention what Mr. Boynton owes you from movies and for gas. Why not try to collect? Good morning, ladies. Let me say, I just came through your dinette and there's a man eating like mad in there. Well, don't be jealous, Walter. You'll be past him in no time. Yeah, I have a pretty good idea who he is. I guess the date Tuesday night was pretty successful, huh, Miss Brooks? Walter, how did you know I was on the date Tuesday night? Should I give you the one about the little old birdie flapping her beak at me? No, and I'll thank you to be more respectful to Mrs. Davis. No, no, Mrs. Davis didn't tell me. Harriet and I just happened to see you in the balcony of the state theater that night. Oh, I see. How did you like the picture? When Harriet and I are in the balcony, you watch as the picture. Honey, there's something you wanted to talk to Walter about, remember? Yes, Mrs. Davis. I'll go in and start the dishes. Well, Walter, since you've already seen him, the man in the dinette happens to be a taxi driver. Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Taxi drivers make wonderful husbands. So I've heard lately. I'll be perfectly frank, Walter. This driver is here now because I haven't the 450 I owe him. However, since I've advanced you about $10 in lunch money during the past year, isn't that the front doorbell? No, and it isn't the rear doorbell, telephone, or ice cream man. All I need is 450, Walter. Well, you know I'd help if I could, Miss Brooks, but all the money I've got in the world is right here in my pants pocket. You're welcome to that, of course. Really? Sure. I'll get it for you. At first I have to remove the rubber band from around the bottom of the pocket. There. Now I have to take away the staples from across the bottom of the pocket. The staples? That's in the case of pickpockets. Now I have to remove the safety pin that holds the money in place. A safety pin? Well, here you are, Miss Brooks. One buck. Any pickpocket who got that dollar would deserve overtime. But since this is a desperate situation, I'll accept it. Thanks, Walter. Now, if you'll excuse me a minute. Mr. Finch, would you accept a dollar 50 toward my fare until tomorrow? I also only... Just talk around the eggs. I... I told you before, lady. I want my whole fare. Well, then, would you wait here while I drive over with a student of mine and try to borrow it from a colleague? No, ma'am. I'll take you over. I'm about finished anyway. You know something, Mr. Finch? What? Mrs. Davis may have been right after all. You and I are going steady. You hear a lot of talk about brotherhood these days, don't you? People getting along together, understanding each other's problems. Maybe that's the key word of it all, understanding. In other words, to practice brotherhood is easy through understanding. Easy because all you have to do is think about it. Perhaps it's not quite that easy, though, to remember it, to practice it, and to live it. That's why we think it would be well for all of us to pay closer attention to some of the messages of the music of today. These messages will serve as a reminder to us of the deep meaning and vital importance of brotherhood. Listen. Really. If we only had love. If we only had love. Then with nothing at all. Then with nothing at all. But the little we are. But the little we are. We'll have conquered. We'll have conquered. Time. And the stars. Try a little music appreciation. Understanding the lyrics can lead to brotherhood. Think about that. I know you're cautious, Mr. Finch, but there's no reason to walk up to my friend's apartment with me. Well, I just don't want to take any chances, Miss Brooks. Anyway, I wanted to see that you got this Velice up here OK. It's kind of heavy. Oh, that's right, you did lift it out of the cab me downstairs. Well, here we are. Oh, hello, Miss Brooks. Come in. Thanks, Mr. Boyden. Let me take your valise and... Oh, hello. Mr. Boyden, meet Mr. Finch. How are you? Fine. I've heard a lot about you, Finch. Hey, I get around, don't I? Please, Mr. Boyden, there's something I wanted to ask you. If Mr. Finch will excuse us for just a minute. I was preparing a little early lunch for myself. I'm sure there'll be enough for two. Why not go into my kitchen and help yourself, Mr. Finch? Oh, no thanks. He'll just... Oh, I'll be glad to. As I say, no thanks. He'll be glad to. It's right through that door. Okay, don't rush yourself, Miss Brooks. He's another Walter Denton with the grocery department. Miss Brooks, I'm not one to criticize, but I believe you're acting in poor taste in this instance, in very poor taste. What are you talking about, Mr. Boyden? You know very well what I'm talking about. I should think you'd be more considerate toward a man you've known for six years than to bring your newest male companion to his apartment. I may be just a poor biology teacher, but I have some feelings. You have? I mean, of course you have, Mr. Boyden, but this man is a taxi driver. Taxi driver? I never thought you were that interested in money. Look, Mr. Boyden, where did you get the idea that I'd go out with anyone beside you? No, come now, Miss Brooks. I've got ears. I've got eyes. And a mouth and a chin. And the nicest... Never mind the flattering. You knew I was going away in a few days. You might at least have waited until the body was cold. When was it warm? You're assuming something that just isn't true. I've never seen you this jealous before, Mr. Boyden. Jealous? Me jealous? What a ridiculous idea. But I do have some sensitivity. Well, so do I, Mr. Boyden. And not once did you mention a word about your vacation plans to me. And you knew I hadn't made any. I was merely driving up to my parents' place for a few weeks. Why, if I thought you were interested, I'd most certainly would have invited you along. Bingo! You mean you'll come? Well, that's just fine. But I don't want you to think that you're bringing a boyfriend to my apartment. It's influenced me in any way. I reiterate he's not a boyfriend. In fact, I can't go anywhere until I settle my taxi fare with him. Then he really is just cab driver? To whom I owe $4.50. Now, I don't like to mention it, but I have advanced you $10 or $15 during the past term. So if you could let me have about three of it now, I could settle up. Or is the doorbell ringing? I'd like to help you, Miss Brooks, but $2 is all I've got. Then that's all I'll take. Thank you, Mr. Boyden. Now, if you'll excuse me for a minute. Well, here I am again, Mr. Finch. If you'll accept $3.50 toward my fare, I'll be able to settle of balance very soon. Well, I'll soon be able to come again. You sound like one of my more backward pupils. I told you before and I'll tell you again. I want my whole fare, $8.00. $8.00? What happened to the $4.50? Oh, that was two hours ago. Art Linkletter speaking, you hear a lot of talk about drugs today. Drugs named smack, speed, mescaline, LSD. And the frightening thing is the talk comes from the mouths of children. And the fact is that each day hundreds of children as young as eight and nine years old are added to the list of those who idolize members of the drug cult. But even more frightening is the realization that parents of these children, rich and poor alike, won't face the fact that drugs can happen here. Now, in their own home, drugs can happen to you, your children. No more about drugs than your children do, and then be the kind of parent who can talk over the problem without hysteria. Not scare, but through understanding. Let your children know you love them as much as you do. For information, write the American Social Health Association 1740 Broadway, New York 10019. Well, so far, Ms. Brooks has spent the entire morning trying to collect $8.00 cab fare which she owes. What makes it doubly difficult is that the cab driver won't let her out of his sight until he's paid. As a last resort, she decided to try to borrow the money from her principal, Mr. Conklin, who at the moment seems to be having a little trouble of his own. The idea, the very idea of Mr. Stone asking me to entertain a member of the State Education Commission for the week he's in town. Why, that's Mr. Stone's job, not mine. I know, Daddy. I'm just relaying Mr. Stone's message. He said I should give it to you as soon as I reached you. Well, did you tell him we were practically ready to go to Crystal Lake today, Harriet, that your mother was already there? Yes, Daddy. And what did he say to that? Nothing. He just chuckled. I'll chuckle him. The nerve of the man asking me to postpone my vacation. What reason did he give? He said he was going on his vacation. Oh, well, if it's something important, I can certainly see why. He said he was going on his vacation. This is more than human flesh can bear. Oh, now, Daddy, please try to calm down. I won't go through with it, Harriet. Let Mr. Nichols entertain himself. I washed my hands of the whole business. I absolutely refused to have anything to do with it. But Mr. Stone is head of the Board of Education, Daddy. I know, I know. I'm much too old to go back to teaching peddmanship. But I wish there was some way out of this. Oh, I'll get it, Daddy. Hi, Miss Brooks. Welcome to La Maison Conklin. Come on in. Thanks, Harriet. Daddy's in the... Oh, hello. Harriet, meet Mr. Mustard Plaster. Mr. Pinch. Mr. Pinch, this is Harriet Conklin. How are you? Oh, I'm fine, thanks. I've heard a lot about you. Well, Miss Brooks, how did you know what I was going to say? Instinct, Harriet. Mr. Pinch is a taxi driver. I know they make wonderful husbands, but the next time I'll find one with a slow meter. Who is that, Harriet? Who... Oh, you, Miss Brooks. What ill wind brings you over? One step forward, ill wind. Mr. Conklin, meet Mr. Pinch. How are you? He's a cab driver, Daddy. Isn't that romantic? I knew she'd wind up marrying for money. How do you do? There's something I wanted to ask you, sir, so if Harriet and Mr. Pinch would excuse it... Oh, sure we will. I just got through preparing lunch, Mr. Pinch, so... Say no more, Harriet. Mr. Pinch will be glad to. Well, it has been quite a while. Just follow me, Mr. Pinch. See you in a few minutes. Come into my den, Miss Brooks. Thank you, sir. Sit down, but be brief. I'm in no mood for a protracted yacking at this time. All right, Mr. Conklin, I'd like to borrow some money. What? Maybe I should have protracted the yacking a bit. Miss Brooks, you know the stand I've always taken on lending money, and I see no point at this time in reiterating how I feel. But, Mr. Conklin, it's an emergency. That cab driver you saw outside has been dogging my footsteps all day. Well, that should be a change for you after the way you've dogged Mr. Boynton. Please, Mr. Conklin. I owe him $8 cab fare. I have about $3 of it, but he won't leave me until I give him the remaining five. Miss Brooks, permit me to repeat one of my favorite axioms. I'll do anything for you, sir, if you'll lend me the money. Absolutely anything. Neither a borrower nor a lender be forlorn after losing absolutely anything. Miss Brooks, there may be something you can do for me at that. You say you want $5? Yes, sir. I'll make it $10. I'll call. What have you got in mind, sir? Listen carefully. I was supposed to go up to Crystal Lake today, but Harriet got a phone message from Mr. Stone, which she was to give to me when she reached me. The message was for me to meet a Mr. Nichols at the train at three this afternoon, see that he was settled, and to escort him around town for the next week. Are you following me, Miss Brooks? Don't turn around or we'll have a collision. And let's say for argument's sake that Harriet couldn't reach me, that I had already gone up to Crystal Lake. So instead she contacted you. But, sir, I don't quite see how I can... I'll tell you, I'll tell you. You, you will meet Mr. Nichols in my place and delay coming over here until Harriet and I are packed and out of town. For this, I will give you $10. On behalf of Mr. Nichols' welcoming committee, Mr. Boynton and me, I accept. Now, if you'll excuse me. Hello again, Mr. Finch. Well, here's your $8 plus five for the rental of your car, which I'll bring back in a few hours. What greater or better gift can we offer the Republic than to teach and instruct our youth? The United States Army Europe and the United States Air Force's Europe agree with those famous words. That's why they see to it that you have the greatest educational opportunities ever offered military personnel. Just think of it. If you were a high school dropout or didn't finish high school for any reason at all, you can do it now while you're in the service. If you plan to go to college, you can get a head start by picking up credit now. And if you've already attended a college, it might even be possible to get you a degree while you're over here in Europe. And by that, I mean either a bachelor's degree or a master's. Ask your education center about the American universities, which offer programs tailored to your needs. The University of Maryland, Boston U, Southern California, Utah, Ball State, and Oklahoma. Not to mention the school with the worldwide campus, Usoppy. Don't pass up this golden opportunity to make your service time achievement time. Get in touch with your education center first thing tomorrow. That day with Mr. Boynton's assistance, I had put the plan into action. And I'll see you here, Miss Brooks. It isn't that I don't appreciate you and Mr. Boynton calling for me, but according to Mr. Stone's telegram, I was supposed to go directly to Mr. Conklin's house. Well, we are going there, Mr. Nichols. I know, but we've been driving for almost an hour. Well, we might as well enjoy the town while we're going through it, Mr. Nichols. Yes, that's the idea. It has so many points of interest. Now, right on your left over there is our Chinatown. Chinatown? All I see is one restaurant. Well, Rome wasn't built in the day. Or China, for that matter. Miss Brooks, I was supposed... You see that house over there, the real old one? Oh, I don't want to hear about any more houses. Oh, but this is simply fascinating, Mr. Nichols. You've heard of Lana Turner, of course. Well, yes, but I... Well, the woman who lives in that house has seen every picture she ever made. Miss Brooks, I am supposed to stay with Mr. Conklin during my week in town, and I'd like to be taken there at once. Are we anywhere near it? Well, it's not more than a few blocks away, sir. Well, then I would like to get there in a hurry. Yes, sir, but just let me point out this one place of interest on the list. Miss Brooks, watch out for that car. Look out! Oh, of course. Have it. I think you only dented his fender. How can you tell that it's still rolling across the street? Uh-oh. The fellow's getting out of his car. Well, at least I didn't knock off his sunglasses. That has done it! Of all the stupid, lame-brained, idiotic, careless, knuckle-headed... Oh, no! You two know each other? Know each other? Oh, no, indeed. I never saw this man before in my life. Oh, well, the accident was entirely our fault, sir. You have every right to be furious. She crashed right into you. Uh, yeah. Well, accidents will happen in the best of families. Yes, indeed. Wait a minute here. Aren't you going to take this woman's name and address? Well, why should he? He's probably a happily married man. And there's no reason... Oh, he's got to contact your insurance company. After all, you did knock a fender off his car. Oh, yes. Well, I'm sure that can be repaired. After all, what's a fender? What's a fender? He's got three more where that came from. Certainly. I must be running along. I'm on my way to my vacation. I don't want today any further. But look here. This is a serious accident. Not only was your fender knocked off, but the front of this lady's car is smashed in. Miss Brooks, you're going to ask to see his license, aren't you? Oh, I wouldn't want to embarrass him. You wouldn't want to embarrass him? For all I know, he's driving without one. After all, he was nice enough not to ask for mine. Yes, but Miss Brooks, how do you know he won't sue you? Sir, what do you take me for? Now, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Nichols, Mr. Nichols? Wait a minute. He called me Mr. Nichols. What did you expect him to call you, Mr. O'Brien? How does he know my name is Nichols? You haven't mentioned it since we passed the garbage dump. Well, where do you think he got the car he's driving? I heard the crash all the way back on the porch. Holy smoke, look what's happened to my car! Mr. Finch, you smacked right into the side of Mr. Conklin's car, too. Mr. Conklin? His name is Conklin. It'll be mud soon. Oh, I think I'm beginning to see the light. Give him your sunglasses, Mr. Conklin. You were afraid I'd intercept you before you could sneak off on your vacation, is that it? I'd hate to have you as an opponent in the charade game. Have I, Mr. Nichols, have what a preposterous idea? Mr. Stone will most certainly hear about the treatment I have received. Oh, now, Mr. Nichols, I'm sure that wasn't Mr. Conklin's intention at all. But we're all entitled to a vacation, and Mr. Conklin needs a rest. He was simply on his way to his place at Crystal Lake to do a little fishing. Fishing? Well, well, that happens to be my favorite sport. Wonderful. Then why don't you just pile into Mr. Conklin's car and go with him? Say, that's not a bad idea. That's not bad at all. I have no plans for this weekend of Mr. Conklin. Oh, by all means, Mr. Nichols, come right along. Maybe you'd like to come along for a little fishing, too, Ms. Brooks? Oh, no, sir. I wouldn't want to impose. Besides, I remember what happened when you took me out on the lake last summer. Last summer? Yes, sir. This year, you might tip the rowboat all the way over. Armored Brooks, starring you, Barton France Drive, is produced and directed by Larry Burns, written by Arthur Oldsburg and Al Lewis with the music of Lut Glaskin. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. Mr. Arnold, a gentleman is here about the position you advertised for. In yesterday's paper. Yeah. In yesterday's paper, Mr. Arnold. All right. Mr. Arnold asked if you had specific experience in this field. Four whole years. Four whole years, Mr. Arnold. I mean, he wants to know if you've already been in the service. One and a half whole years. One and a half whole years, Mr. Arnold. Yes, sir. Arnold will discharge, of course. He's shaking his head slowly, Mr. Arnold. I see. What do you say? What do you say? Don't call us. We'll call you. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, Jerry Hausner, and Joseph Curran.