 Hey the friends, how's it going? My name is Kevin and you may be thinking Kevin, why are your clothes so ill-fitting? Well, it's because I'm a peasant of course. No Gucci for this peasant I'm afraid, but not to worry because myself and the other Irish lads have been sponsored by Crusader Kings 3 to check out the game and work our way up through the ranks and I have no doubt I'll become a king. The game is available on Game Pass for PC and also Steam if you want to check out more you can click the link in the description. Alright, well that's enough rambling. Let's get started. Tommy King Kevin. My name's Shite now. I just know how this is gonna end. Did you go Norway? Yeah, I went Norway. I'm 51. Kevin, you're going to drop dead before we start. We'll all meet in Ireland and we'll see what happens. Should I click start? Yes. Go for it, let's see what happens. Is this considered cultural appropriation? So as you can see I decided to pick Norway, but I was so far away I figured I might need an ally in the- in the wars to come. So I decided to pick the person who is the best out of- out of all of us at strategy games. Dahide Nogla. So glad I have my luscious beard hiding my mouth because I can't even say that with a straight face. Arty game. I decided to try and make an alliance with Arty game. I can declare war I think on Kevin. Why would you do that? Let's go. What? War declared? I was just gonna ask you, do you want to get married or something? I was trying to figure it out and then you went to war with me. You know what he was saying in Norway? It goes Shrek von Zalb, which roughly translates to never trust Arty game. We're going to war boys. We're going to war. Kevin, do you got any daughters? Um, wait a second, let me figure this out. I mean, my guy is up to marry if you're interested. Uh, you're- you're- oh, your son. That's my daughter, you dick. Oh, sorry. Dan, why are you walking over to me? I'm- I just want to get you off my tip of the land, Kevin. No, go away. I've almost got Dorna. Why- will you leave Dorna alone? I'm walking away. I'm going to be the bigger man. I don't know how to stop Kevin because he's got an army on my capital city. Well, if you didn't know how to stop me, maybe you shouldn't have started me. Kevin, can we be at peace? I don't understand. Ah, that sounds like something I said a while ago and I remember you continuing the assault. War declared. Kevin, I tried to marry someone from your place. Apparently you're my cousin, Kevin. Oh, let's do it. Let's do it. Oh gee, look at this. Yes, I've got it. I got it. Yeah, I was in the spam folder. Hold on, I've accepted. We're married now. Let's go, boys. Yes, an alliance. I just got imprisoned. Oh, no. Your king is imprisoned. Maybe you should leave me alone. Just back off. Oh, God. Look at the behind bars. Are you- are you overthrown already? I think I might have been. My king is in behind bars. You picked the wrong guy to marry. I'll sell him back to you, Sean. If you want your husband back, you gotta buy him. I have executed you, Dan. You are now dead. What? You are dead already? Oh, no. My son's only eight years old. I'll get him next. You know, I could have kind of guessed how this whole thing would have came out. You see, the one mistake they made was messing with me because, frankly, I had nothing to lose. I don't mind storming all of my people at them, just straight to their capital with no fear for their lives at all. How is that going to affect me? Which one of you is plotting to kill my queen? Um, like, okay, can't be Sean because he's thinking about it, trying to figure it out with me. Why is my queen dead? Mike, I said perhaps I should be ashamed, but in truth, there was no love. Finally, I'm free to start my life anew. Yay! I saved him! He's 53! Oh. You're gonna find a new wife. My man! Oh, RTGam plays his Duke Donald of Albany. I just merged his name. He was nine. Kevin gets attacked and wins and becomes conqueror of all land and man. They call me King Kevin, after all. I gotta show this in the group chat because apparently it shows a picture of your last kingdom. This is my picture. Now that I had shown them what I was capable of, we decided we wouldn't fight each other and we would be allies. But in a sense, that is more scary for me. I'm not afraid of what they're capable of. I'm afraid of what they're incapable of. So I decided I'd go monster and stay nice and alone down the bottom of the country. All right. Well, I'm getting monster. I am already monster. You have to be Desmond. That's where Cork is. No. Desmond is smaller. That's where you are, Kevin. We're playing a video game. I don't want to play as me. You be a Desmond. He's role playing. You play as Kevin. My son, who is 19, is marrying a two year old across the aisle. He'll be easy to murder. And Desmond, they've only got 91 soldiers. You shithead. I'm attacking them at the moment, but then Ossiri are attacking my place. I captured Desmond. Yeah, I'm going to torture him now. Oh, no, Kevin. Go man. Oh yes, torture. Look at that. I've put rats in a bucket and put the bucket on his chest and I'm heating the bucket so it'll start digging. Jesus Christ. Let that be a warning to everyone. Okay. I've got all the bottom of the country now, so everything's settled down here. Jesus, Kevin, you seem to know what you're doing. I don't, but a bucket of rats goes a long way apparently because he just gave up. Now that the bottom of the country was secure, I figured I'm out. I don't want to go up there. I don't want to see them. I don't want to pay a visit. I don't want them to pay me a visit. I'm leaving. I'm leaving the country and I'm going to go colonize for Ireland. We've been colonized enough. Okay, we've suffered enough. I want to know what it feels like. Right, I'm setting sail across the Irish Sea. Where are you going, Kevin? I'm going down to Glamorgan. I don't know what that is. It's down like the south. Out of Wales. Yeah, yeah, it's in Wales. Oh, I see it. Glamorgan. Yeah, I'm going down there. Oh, Gwent is next to that. I see, you know, you zoom out and Kevin has spread monster to Africa in about five minutes with a bucket of rats. Oh, let's just kill these. That's me. Oh, fuck, how do I withdraw? Friendly fire. That's me. How do I stop? I got a territory destroyed. Monsters expanding to the United Kingdom. Where are we? Look at us down there. Oh, you are. Yeah, we got a bit of monster down in Wales. Oh, good man yourself, Kevin. Thanks, you can give me some money if you want. No, my leader just went on a pilgrimage to Cologne. He'll be back in 15 years. It's probably best to leave the country to be honest. This is a bit of a shit show. Now that I'd carved out a nice section of Wales for myself, I decided, you know what? This isn't going to be a holiday home. This is my permanent residence. I don't care about my hometown because I'm surrounded by Egypt. Plus, no one came to my aid last time when Dan attacked me. So why should I care about them? Maybe holding on to something that happened a long time ago, but they don't call me petty king of monster for no reason. Lads, that is so funny. Monster has spread to Wales. Oh my God. Kevin, over here destroying the fucking world. Honestly, Ireland is just not a place I want to be right now. It's getting pretty out of hand. I just said I'd leave. Oh, I have a new son and heir, rat boy. Thanks for marrying my daughter, Kevin. She's like seven. No problem, dude. Who did you send me? Dahi? Is it? I sent you a... Meridoc or whatever it is, is it? Kevin Neku Ula. What? Seven years old. I don't see them at all. Do you have a tracking number? Oh, secondary Spanish is... Oh, I see her. All right, great. What the fuck, Kevin? I don't know. I'm confused. I'm confused. I'm sorry, dude. Ah, Kevin. They had nothing in common. It's very different when it comes down to it. Kevin, what is 95 prestige? I think the torture has been bringing it down. That sounds about right. It turns out the kid I sent to you, Dan, rat boy, he was related to your granddaughter and it gave me a warning that there might be chances of deformities or something like that for instance. Let's just see how that plays out. Oh, God. Yeah, truly is monster. Oh, dude might... Oh, no, England's invading. Oh, dear. Kevin, cut them off. They're walking past me and they're going out to sea, guys. I can see them in Cardiff. Oh, no, there's a lot of people coming. A lot of people. They've landed. Oh, my tears, boys. I'm starting to claim an airlock. They've taken Ormond. Oh, what the fuck? When did I become English? What the fuck? We're not able to hold Ireland, Dan. You were born with the greatest army Ireland ever had. We had... I think Jack had like two sticks and a carton of milk. I had like five, I don't know, little soldiers. Kevin... I had a bucket of rats and I made the most of it. That group of men who came to Ireland, the 1,000 man army, I took the capital back in Wales and it just deleted them so I got all my territory back. We're saved. Actually, you got a little bit more. Yeah, I took his capital that was next to mine and it just deleted all their men he gave up. As time went on, it started to become apparent that I probably wasn't going to be able to take over the United Kingdom. You know, I had a bit of a small army. I was always kind of more of a lover than a fighter and I figured that was the way forward. Try and get into the royal family and maybe try and coerce my friends there to assassinate the king one by one and if we make our way down the chain then eventually I will become king. You know, I got a family back home that I got to try and provide for. I got a little rat boy who needs me. Alright, I have a scheme to murder William the Conqueror. It has a 76% success rate. Really? Okay, I'll make one too. Can we all just create a scheme to murder him? Try and kill William the Conqueror. William the Conqueror, let's go, everyone. My guy's stressed that he's trying to murder him because he's quite honest. My guy has no problem at all with this. Yeah, mine's a 77%. Mine's 95%. Oh yes, we've got him. Let's kill him. I'm going to kill King William. Yes, King William is dead. You got him. Nice. Now let's murder his son. I'll kill his wife. Okay, I'll go for his child. The burning sensation of my groin was growing so unbearable I had to excuse myself and flee to my chambers. Dan, talk about the game, please. Finally alone, I could scratch myself to find her. Dan, it's too difficult. There was no relief to be found. I want to talk about the game. King Robert is dead. Friendship with King Robert is over. Dude, why are you so good at murdering kings? King William is dead. Oh my God. I just killed three kings of England. Can someone help me kill the queen mother of England? I'm on it. Wait, no, I'm killing the six-year-old. I got the six-year-old. Put it up to Max there, Dan. Fly her up. Top gear. This is more like it. I've died. We went too fast. Hang on, we went too fast. Life just passes you by, doesn't it? I don't know if I like the idea of a bishop marrying a two-year-old. Go for it, I accept it. Kevin, do you remember when I named my daughter after you? She died. There's only one Kevin allowed. I got a game over. Really? I could choose a new character. Can you pick the queen of England, please, and commit suicide? Because that would help me a lot. Wait, can I just pick England? Yeah, pick England and commit suicide if you don't mind. Ah, fuck, I'm England now. Dan, I need to give you a list of people to imprison, okay? I've died. You're all fantastic. You're now King William. You need to kill that king, and do you see that child? Prince Randolph, the primary heir. They need to go, too. I'll murder him. Oh, thank you so much. He's one years old. I got a problem that says justice. Wait, he's still the heir, though. Can you kill him in jail, like execute him? I've executed him. Oh, Jesus. He was one years old. I got a thing saying Satan must have been eager for his company. Okay. Rat boy comes of age. They grow up so fast. Oh, Kevin, something's happening to you. I don't care about them. Monster can die. I want to be King of England, and I'm one step away. Oh, Kevin, I just gave birth to another kid. Oh, my God, Dan. Can you stop it for one second? I have lost all of Irish monster, by the way. It is now Lapland. Oh, my God. Santa Claus is coming to Cork. Oh, my God. Santa Claus is coming to Cork. I'd be a good tourist attraction, all right. Why'd you fucking refuse? Because you just tried to marry some random woman to my king. It's me. I'm the woman. I couldn't tell under that wing. Fucking. I could have been anyone under their dahi. All right, screw it. I'll just marry dahi. That's my victory. I got to imprison my heir. I got to imprison and kill my heir. No, no, no. You're only imprisoning the heir, yeah. Dan, no. I was married to his daughter. I needed him to become the king. You're the worst double agent I've ever seen. I had a mental breakdown. Kevin, comfort me. No, I don't care. I got other things going on. I want to go play golf with the boys. Oh, I've died. Oh, Kevin died. I think we're all mine. And I died. I'm overwhelmed by stress. I'm gonna play as king rat boy. Petty king rat boy. Wait, Dan, don't touch anything. I'm doing a scheme to kill the king. I have a 95% chance in 10 months. Oh my god, you're the heir. And I'm the heir, okay? So just put it on full speed. Don't touch anything. Oh, thank god I'm dead. Okay, okay. Now just kill that zero year old and I'm in. I don't have to kill the child. He's zero years old. You can do it. Kill the baby. Kill him fast. He's growing older and wiser. He's dead. He's dead. I'm the king of England. I mean, the queen is technically in control. But I'm the king. Petty king rat boy. Petty king rat boy. This is a story all about how a little rat boy's life got turned upside down. I think we all knew it would end this way, really. As king, I'd like to thank a few people. I'd like to thank you for watching the video. I'd like to thank my friends for playing with me. I'd like to thank Crusader Kings for the sponsorship. And it's not over yet. We will be doing a live stream on the 31st. If you want to come by my Twitch, the link is in the description to check that out. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. I hope you've enjoyed the video. I have very much enjoyed being your petty king rat boy. I hope you'll swing by the live stream. Once again, the link is in the description if you want to check out the game for yourself. And yeah, hope you enjoyed. Appreciate you and I'll see you next time. Bye for now.