 Hey, what up everybody? Welcome back to the anxious truth. I am drew linsellata creator and host of this fine podcast This is episode number 178178 entitled the three seas of recovery Welcome back to the program. Welcome back to the show a little nod to Andy Hunter from adricos This is a guy that I admired for quite a while just a good dude and he left us not too long ago So every once in a while throw that in as a bit of an homage because that's how Andy Hunter used to start his show On YouTube. Welcome back to the program. Welcome back to the show. Okay, so today the three seas of recovery courage competence Confidence we're gonna talk about that. I did this as an Instagram post a few weeks ago And it went over really well And I've gotten so much feedback on it where people have been sort of adopting this as a bit of a guide post or Way to sort of guide their recovery and frame their recovery to understand what the process kind of looks like So I said, you know what this deserves a podcast episode. So here we are. We're gonna talk about the three seas of recovery today What are they they are courage? That's the first one and that's the one that everybody hates because that's the part that you need in order to intentionally do scary and difficult things Courage and then there is competence and a feeling of competency Which is if you are really struggling right now is a thing that you probably don't feel Especially if you are feeling like I can't handle or I can't cope or my anxiety and panic or my emotions will be too much They'll they will overwhelm me and I won't be able to cope that tells me you do not have a High sense of competence about yourself your ability to handle these things and then the third one is confidence Which kind of these these things all lead one after the other right? So that's what we're gonna talk about So one does lead from the other the first one which is I know the one that everybody hates So hang in there because everybody wants to get to confidence I know everybody wants to get there, but I'm we're gonna talk about this in another podcast episode and in different Forms of content on social media very soon. We're talking about putting the cart before the horse So everybody wants competence and confidence First but the competence and the confidence only come as part of the recovery process You have to actually do the things and then those things sort of follow along unfortunately, right? So that sucks. It's not it's not fun that way, but that's the way it is So in order to get the ball rolling to head towards a feeling of competence and and a sense of confidence Is that you have to exhibit the first C which is courage now? Here's the big misconception about courage and I I'm surprised at the number of people who still don't understand this Courage does not mean that you are not afraid No way shape or form does courage mean not being afraid. This has nothing to do I want you to strike the word fearless from your from your vocabulary Because none of recovery is about being fearless fearless indicates somebody who just Can squash their fear and run into the fire anyway. This is not that in any way Like courage means that you are afraid but you act anyway, and I know I've talked about this I've written about this, but I'm gonna have to keep saying it because I'm surprised at the number of people that say I'm not courageous I'm very fee. I'm just afraid. I'm not brave. I'm always so afraid Right what brave people are afraid like courageous people are afraid Courage is not not being afraid and sometimes it's really a little bit frustrating and also very heartbreaking to see how many of you Feel fear and then instantly declare that the presence of fear is a deal-breaker Like I cannot handle fear so you know as it to kind of tie some of these things together to tie two of the seas together Some people feel that as soon as they feel fear they have to hit the eject button because they don't feel Competent in their ability to handle fear. So therefore they think that they have no courage But really I believe in my heart that everybody has courage. I really do and I think part of it is understanding Really that courage doesn't mean not being afraid and I truly believe that if you are going to insist to me No, I'm not brave. I don't have courage. I'm not courageous I think it means that you're just saying well, but I feel see I can't stop this I can't stop the fear. Well, no, you you won't stop the fear like you can courage doesn't stop fear Courage is acting even though you are afraid Right. So the first thing you have to do is and I understand you're gonna argue with this Like but it feels so dangerous, but it feels so real But not me not any of my collaborators not Claire Weeks not Dave Carbonell not Marty see if not Sally Winston not any of the people that that you are taking your advice from No one is ever telling you to do a dangerous thing, right? We would all be like kind of sociopaths if we were telling you to do dangerous things So you're gonna have to trust that even though you have to do scary things and difficult things These are not Dangerous things even though they feel dangerous, but since they feel dangerous This is where courage comes into the equation You will have to find and display courage without that as a starting point This thing starts to get really frustrating really fast Unfortunately, and I see it happen all the time To a certain extent it happened to me too a little bit like I had starts and stops in my recovery because I kind of resisted that right So it's totally natural and normal to say I don't want to be afraid Nobody wants to be afraid. No human being wants to be afraid I mean, maybe there are outliers that sort of get a charge of being afraid But for the most part we don't want to be afraid or uncomfortable. We want to feel safe and settled So I get that but courage is such a big part of this like you don't get to the other two C's Competence and confidence in your recovery if you aren't willing to kind of find that first C which is courage So when people ask me again and again, okay, but how do I let go? But how do I surrender? But how do I float and accept? How do I willfully tolerate whatever the words you like to use that resonate with you? but how do you do that but how how how and after a little bit of back and forth and you talk about some Some philosophical stuff and some, you know framing it and thinking about how to go about it and a little bit of technique here And there in the end it does come down to you you're gonna have to do it scared Like so courage in our in our conversation means you're gonna have to do this scared at least to start So you need a lot of courage But for a short burst of time in the beginning, right? And then trust me on this you do not have to be superhero brave and this is a thing I said like I believe in episode two of this podcast, which is years ago now in 2014 I think I said this I the episode I think it's called courage literally it's entitled courage and You don't have to be superhero brave for the rest of your life. That's not how this works I'm not saying that you are doomed to a life of just constantly Pushing through terror and fear and just being courageous to get through every single day That's not how this works but you will need to be courageous in the beginning to get the ball rolling and As you begin begin to learn the lessons of recovery and understand that like oh the bad thing never really happens I can handle panic. I can do it. I can get through this. It doesn't hurt I don't have to fear it then the fear begins to recede as a happy side effect of that But it is not the primary goal and you cannot stop the fear before you recover So a lot of people get stuck like they don't know where to start I can't get going here because I get afraid as soon as I start to get in the car to drive I'm afraid. So how do I do this do it scared? That's courage So the first C of the three C's in this episode is courage You're going to have to find it You're going to have to display it and everybody you see around you in the community who is having success and moving forward down the recovery path Maybe sharing their wins here and there and then they're they're actually making progress Every one of those people had to find and display some courage And I'm telling you right now if you look back at some of the success story episodes that I've done in this podcast They're they're out there. I've done at least 10 of them almost every one of those people will tell you at some point That they thought they couldn't so everybody starts thinking either I don't want to which I totally get Or no way I'm not a brave person. I'm not a strong person. I can't do it so many people start that way But then they take the leap. Okay, I'm gonna try this. I'm gonna trust these people I'm gonna try it and then they start to see like oh my god I I can do it and they begin to believe in themselves as they go But as far as courage goes, I know you think that's a deal-breaker for you But I promise it is not but you're gonna have to find someone use it to get the ball rolling So the first thing is courage Courage is what allows us and propels us to do these hard and scary things that we have to do as part of the recovery process So you're not going to start to feel competent to handle anxiety or panic or big emotions You won't feel competent unless you begin to do the recovery things Like go into them go toward them willfully tolerate them surrender to them and Courage is what enables us or propels us into those activities So courage then leads to having these experiences where we confront the fear and we navigate through it As opposed to running from what are trying to go around it or stop it from happening So we use courage to move through the fear and through that We learn through repeated positive outcomes and the positive outcome is it didn't kill me. I didn't go crazy I didn't go insane. I don't care how much it felt like I was going to for the thousandth time I was sure I would lose control and I didn't Right. So those repeated experiences that are carried by courage Lead us to start to build a sense of competence. So courage leads to competence Which means that you start to understand little by little you begin to believe I can handle this I can handle these things I can get through this It seems really dicey and choppy and sketchy at first But as you repeat these things you start to get more and more Competent you feel like I can do this. I am able I have the skill set. I have the strength. I can do this So courage leads to feelings of competence and an elevated sense of competence in your ability To recover and your ability to handle these things that have pinned you down and crippled you for so long That's a big step. That's the second C. It's an important C But what happens if we stop with that, right? If we stop with the second C, which is competence We run the danger of partial recovery and being stuck sort of in that acceptable zone So one of the most common questions that gets asked and one of the most common issues that comes up in this community And I know you guys have heard it is the question But what if it comes back? But what if it comes back or you'll hear somebody talk about setback and setback? I was doing so great I didn't I haven't had a panic attack in two months had a panic attack this morning And it's a huge setback and back to square one So where does that come from? So if we look at it in the in the context of the three C's the courage propels us Toward feelings of competence because it allows us to have those repeated experiences that teach us that we are competent But what tends to happen is we get confused and we think well, I learned to walk around the block I learned to stay home for an hour. I learned to go to the mailbox I learned to drive three Interchanges on the on the motorway or the freeway the highway exits. I learned to do these specific things I learned to go to the supermarket. I learned to do the school pickup run I learned to sit at my kids basketball game for an hour But you think that those are specific standalone things because now if I have to Do something that isn't those 10 things that I've been practicing. I think I can't do that So anytime something comes up that isn't in my recovery repertoire already I think it will be too much still it will be too much and Then if those feelings come back when I try one of those things that well, I haven't done that yet I'm not ready for that Then if I don't have Confidence then I'm going to consider like up seat. I was afraid again. No, I had the symptoms I had panic. That's it. All bets are off square one setback That is not a courage or a competence problem. That is a confidence problem So confidence only happens when you continue to feed yourself those repeated experiences and You make those you take those experiences and those lessons you learn in the frozen food section of the supermarket And you intentionally forklift that to a weekend away With your family So you have to take those lessons that you learn in the specific recovery tests that you're doing and you have to push Pass the acceptable zone and keep going you have to keep going so now I learned how to drive on the highway for four exits So now I'm gonna have to drive to my family's house an hour away I'm gonna have to forklift that experience into this wider context a bigger context that I think is outside my zone and so Competence courage propels us into the exposures into the hard things at the micro level that the event level the individual task and behavior level Competence is what we build as we do each of those Tasks if you will we become competent at those tasks and our ability to move through fear and anxiety and discomfort in those specific contexts Confidence is what comes when you keep going and you start to push those boundaries And you don't stop at just the supermarket the school pickup line and two exits on the highway you keep going So when you discover when you discover that like I can take the highway driving And I could transplant that and I could do the weekend away with my partner in the next town over Or I could do a day at the beach or I could do vacation or I could do a cruise around the world Or I could change careers or buy a new house or move to a different country. Whatever it happens to be That's when confidence comes into play, right? So one of the things we're gonna talk about more and more is the width and depth of recovery We're looking for is not a focused recovery. We're not recovery is not I learned to go to the supermarket and shop and run my errands and Drive my kids around that's not recovery We want recovery to be broad and deep so that those experiences get spread across multiple contexts all the contexts that life has to offer us and Then we start to build confidence So competence in this context is doing these courageous things has taught me that I can do each of these things Confidence means oh, I know if I can do this thing then I'm pretty sure I can do that thing even though I haven't before So that is where confidence comes into play and this isn't perfectly linear Do not get me wrong all the time you're building you're flexing your courage muscle all the time when you do these things You're building Confidence in each individual test that you do on a minute by minute day to day level You're building confidence in certain areas, but you're lacking in certain others So it's not a straight line, right? This isn't like well first I have to build my courage Then I have to it kind of is like that But if you look at a granular level, you'll see that this is all happening at the same time all the time but what we really care about in terms of the three C's is Understanding what courage is I'm gonna have to do things when afraid And I'm not a failure because I afraid Courage is acting even though I am afraid we have to understand that first and do that and start to do those things that we that we are Resisting doing we build Competence in the repetition of doing those tasks and we feel like oh I can handle that task in that task in that task Confidence comes when we push those skills into other other areas further outside of our comfort bubble And then we build a sense of confidence Dense that says oh since I can go away for a weekend with my my partner That tells me that I can also take this new job that I've been really wanting to take as I hate my job See where that goes. So I'll wrap it up with my own like an illustration from my own experience One of the very last things that I would say I would have I had to do in my recovery was to fly Now I've made no bones about the fact that I've never been a great flyer I don't love to fly I still don't love to fly. I've gotten way better at it, but I'm not a huge fan, right? So I hadn't flown in a very very long time and prior to like the last time the wheels fell off for me with anxiety I hadn't flown for many many many years and I was a terrible anxious afraid flyer when I did So when I went through the recovery process back in 2008 and 2009 by the time I got to the end of 2009 I would say I was 95% recovered, but there were things that I hadn't yet done Flying was one of those and honestly, I had no reason to fly For many years after that So I only started flying maybe in the last four or five years again that I had to start flying a lot And I've done a ton of flights since things I had to do for my business So the courage was the first things that I was doing back in 2008-2009 getting up every morning brushing my teeth mindfully while in a panic getting in the car driving literally for 20 minutes in a two-block radius of my house Okay, that was I had to display courage to do that And then I started to build competence in that task like okay, I can do this now I can drive around the block. I can drive to the kids elementary school. I can do this I could be in the car for 15 20 minutes by myself Then I started to learn yeah, I could be home for 20 30 minutes an hour by myself But then I had to keep pushing it Right, so I took that competence in those initial tasks that I had to find my courage to do and push them into bigger and bigger Things I don't really want to go to the mall because I don't I don't like the mall anyway I'm not a big shopping guy, but I have gonna have to go to the mall again and again again I don't really feel like doing anything on this Friday night with nothing going on But I'm going to get in the car and I'm going to drive all the way into like Nassau County of anybody was on Long Island That's a little bit further from me like on the way toward New York City I don't have to go to the city, but I'm going to go into New York City right now because I have to I have to push that and So pushing pushing pushing which is harder to do on a practical standpoint I get it because those aren't things you could do all the time every day along there Did they take time and effort you got a plan that stuff, but I did it every chance I could so I forklifted my local short-term and mid-term and mid-level Exposure experiences which I wrote about in the anxious truth like categorizing that near term Near-term mid-term long-term goals So I took my my near-term and mid-term exposure goals and recovery goals and I intentionally spread them and forklifted them into bigger things outside of my bubble and I kept doing that and doing that and doing For a year or more Now it wasn't that impactful in my life because I was able to live 80% of my life just fine without doing that But I kept going So if I fast forward years later and now I have no choice. I have to start flying. I Actually had not only well, I was displaying courage in my recovery. So now I mean I was new I was courageous to be honest with it That's not something I personally doubted but now I'm just absolute hundred percent sure of it Like there's no doubt in my mind but I took the competence that I had built with those early exposure tasks and I built my sense of Confidence so that when it was time for me to start going back into New York City For instance for various reasons social pleasure business, whatever it was I was nervous because I hadn't done it in a very long time But I wasn't terrified because my confidence level was up and I said well I even I haven't been to the city yet But I know I can do that when it came time to fly that Confidence that came from building courage to competence and spreading spreading spreading not stopping Made it much easier for me to tackle what I thought was the last challenge and as it turns out It wasn't that much of a challenge because I had built that third seed my sense of confidence Was way up here like I've done all of those things So there's no reason that I can't do this and I believe that because I had given myself the experiences that I needed To learn that and really believe that So to wrap it up courage kind of acts at the micro level You know the minute to minute facing the fear competence acts in more of a mid-range there mid-er listen to me What kind of word is that? Sort of the middle of the range Confidence is a much bigger picture thing. So you're gonna have to find your courage do it when afraid I know you can to start to build a sense of competence in each one of these individual recovery tasks Whatever it happens to be in your context and then confidence is when you push that competence into a wider and wider Shmorgas board if you will of events right we want varied experiences in varied events and varied contexts in our in our recovery That is what builds your confidence That when you get to the point where you're building confidence and your confidence in your recovery is going up and up and up That is that durable recovery? So competence is about taking your recovery and making it portable across multiple tasks and contexts and situations Confidence is what makes your recovery very durable So we're gonna talk about that. We're gonna talk about broad and deep recovery. We're gonna talk about Portability and durability Talk about all that stuff. We got to still have a ton of stuff to do I've been at this for seven years now, and I'm not running out of things to talk about so plenty of things coming up All right, so that is the three C's of recovery of recovery courage competence Confidence use that as a conceptual framework understand why it is you're doing these things Understand why it is this crazy dude with a hat from New York is telling you to be courageous and knows that you can This is how it all fits together, right? So it's not a perfect explanation. Again. It doesn't work like it It's not math. It's not perfect, but generally speaking on the big picture That's how these three C's these three concepts fit together, right? So there you go That is episode number 178 I will play you out at the end listen. It's after glow by Ben Drake You can find Ben at Ben Drake music calm. Thank you Ben for writing the song for letting me use it It's meaningful to him and now to me for sure. So check that out If you are listening Oh, by the way If you want full show notes on this podcast or you want to sort of just find links to my books and all that stuff Just go to the anxious truth comm slash one seven eight And I'll have the full show notes from this episode and links to all my stuff And again, if you're watching if you're watching on Spotify or YouTube awesome Spotify video podcast You're watching on YouTube like the video subscribe to the channel It really helps and if you're listening on iTunes or some platform that lets you rate and review this podcast Then leave a five-star rating if you're watching or listening that I'm saying I'm guessing you're digging it Leave a five-star rating take a few minutes and write a paragraph or two review about why you like this podcast And it will help other people find it. So thanks a lot guys. I always appreciate your time and attention 23 minutes not too shabby. I am out I will see you next week. Enjoy afterglow for a little bit and remember this is the way