 How does a guy manage his emotions and expectations when he's going on a date with a woman that he really really values? Because I will tell you this it can be an emotional roller coaster. Yeah, for sure That's why we got to talk about this viral reddit post joining us today for this conversation is social media guru consultant Influencer from our hometown of Seattle Nelson young. What up? Good to see you guys. Thanks for having me on the show You know what I always see I always see your comments on the next shark and the jackfruit post that I'm leaving comments All the time. I mean, it's just it's such a divisive It's such a very interesting topic, especially around online dating. It's real and as an Asian-American male We have different dynamics at play. Yeah for sure So make sure you like subscribe and turning your notifications because this was ultimately a very in-depth viral reddit thread Yeah, and hopefully what we say in this video is Somewhat advice and somewhat helpful, you know, it's just we're three bros who have experience in this I think we've all gone through our version of this story Maybe on a lesser extent or larger extent, but let's talk about it. So anyways guys We have this reddit post this guy says man, how do I manage my emotions when online dating? especially dating high-quality women and maybe that's his issue is because he's already Labeling people high-quality low-quality just means hot man. He just means Pushing his limits of what his looks max desirable women, right anyways to summarize Basically this guy got out of a 1.5 year relationship. So he's online dating He has no problem with getting dates, but what happens is he meets this girl. She happens to be white blonde hair blue-eyed, right? So he gets very excited. He's like wow this girl is everything I needed. She's like a med school student She's very smart good family. He's hyped up. He takes her on two dates Good dates in his opinion and on the third one. It feels okay The third dates whatever and then she breaks it to him drops a bottle bomb on him and says hey I have no romantic feelings for you. You're a really nice guy. Oh Dude is crushed. He is like he's so crushed. He's running to Reddit to be like guys What did I do wrong? Is there anything like let me tell you what's going on and I need some advice So as we know dating and online dating can be very emotional for both sides men and women But this side we're gonna hopefully help this guy out You know what this whole post is kind of spicy, but you know what else is spicy? Oh Smala sauce guys check it out a lot of chefs and foodies like it. We are shipping this very very soon It's an amazing finishing oil. We stand by the product high quality made in the USA small sauce. I think real quick I just want to get into some details He does say that prior to getting his heart broken by this I believe white medical resident He went on a date with a dentist girl an optometrist a PhD student and NASA engineer And it was an even split between Asian females and white females But I became quickly exhausted Juggling multiple girls at the same time and decided to raise my standard and focus on one at a time I'm looking for a long-term relationship and not interested in hooking up Was this guy even in the right emotional state to get back into another long-term relationship after breaking up I mean if you break up with a girl for 1.5 years I feel like this tell me if you agree or disagree with me do you disagree with me guys? We won't know that we're an extra tender emotional state because we're just like not in touch with our emotions like that Women will be like hyper aware of that and their friends will be aware of that but guys. We're just like no dude I'm good. I'm good and then like deep down underneath the layers that we can't even see in ourselves in the mirror We're like I'm weak right. I'm unstable Yeah, Nelson Do you have kind of a rule of like how long you need as a guy that's in a reasonable amount of time to need to like Before you go back on the dating I don't think you could put like a number of months I don't think you could put even a number of dates I think that you have to look at it like Have you put in the work? Whether work on yourself or have you given yourself some time to to process Have you given your time to to love yourself? And you know, I think it makes sense because you know if you're not learning from the previous relationship It's not a good situation, right? I think if you're not learning then you're not growing and if you're not growing There's no there's no point in you dating in my opinion. Yeah I mean you're basically getting back out there when you don't even have your legs No, you know what it is and I don't want to and I'm gonna expand on this analogy I don't want to just say dating as a sport because I think that's gonna sound bad in certain contexts But there is like an exhaustion level where it's like you just played a hard game. You lost your kind of injured You need time to recover just like anything, you know emotion, but obviously in sports I'm thinking more, you know, but it's the playoffs. There's no time for injuries. We're in the NBA playoffs right now Um, all right, so I think that Have first of all has this kind of happened to you guys It's kind of happened to me when you went on a date With a girl who you kind of built up in your mind you hyped her up because Statistically wise based off her failing background her education her looks okay And you might also be looking at it through rose colored glasses or some sort of halo or like a lute filter exactly exactly A halo effect whatever it is But you build this girl up and you get on a date with her and you're kind of like wow This girl's like kind I don't want to say out of my league, but like kind of a stretch for me Can we just point out that he said that this blonde girl's five nine? She has blonde hair blue eyes She was raised by his physician. She's a physician and she studied abroad in Shanghai where I lived until the age of 12 This was my absolute dream. Yo, this guy. So was this a mistake? Is it a mistake to to meet a girl on online dating and then build her up to be a dream? No, I would say no. I mean, I think that's completely understandable for you. I mean, it's understandable why he'd feel that way It's very cuz I think once again I think online dating presents this person's best foot forward, right? It's it's their resume and their best light It's it but it has nothing to it doesn't show anything about past traumas. It doesn't show anything about credit report It doesn't show anything about who they dated before they're they're they're past And I think it's but I think it's really easy to get excited and the thing too I mean you're talking about like sports, right like Online dating in a bit of itself is Fatiguing and tiring by nature. It's a lot of swiping, right? It's a lot of ghosting It's the illusion that the grass is always greener that the next person you swipe on is gonna be hotter than the one that that passed on you, right? Like and that's an illusion, right? So I think when you get passed out I think I think it's very important to have it even head when you're gonna take dating seriously online Yeah, I mean this guy he I believe he is what a doctor himself, but he just You know he wasn't here. You know what he did in her. He probably was like And she probably was like no and then you know that's some shanghai needs and he probably was just like Dude, I trust me. I I fell for the trap of like, oh my gosh. This like half Hispanic Half Chinese girl speaks Chinese better than me. Oh my gosh. This is my dream like dude It's It is real though. That's real. It's real But I think what he left out and what he probably didn't do is if he's truly ready for another relationship I feel like you got to say that up front in the first one or two dates and you have to explain to this person Hey, by the way, I am looking for something serious and you're gonna perceive that person through that now for her to be like You know, I have no romantic feelings for you. You're really nice. Okay. Bye like that is cold But that's well within a right and also I think that he didn't explain what he was looking for I mean, let's be honest. This guy is a mainland fob. So he may be more like You know, it'll tapped into that Jay Chow Bicycle with with the cloud filter like through the they might not be them, you know each other's types But I would actually kind of ask this because I don't think this is really clear based on the reddit post my question is what has he done to to control and And essentially be The producer of those dates when I mean by that is how was he manufacturing? Chemistry, right? What is he putting into it? Is it all friend zone coffee date? Like what does it look like is it hands off is it or it did he did he said he didn't say he doesn't say Yeah, it's also class. I'm curious. Yeah, also class off the rip. You're gonna feel it, right? I'm curious to be set up like, you know, did he organize something really really well according to what she likes And are you is he asking the right questions in the message the messaging part of the of the online dating app? Right and as he sets it up because that's really what it's about to you have to as a guy often times You have to manufacture the space. It's got to be a safe space It's got to be a space that the girl feels comfortable and you have to allow there to be room for chemistry It's probably like, yeah, you know, I took her to get shot one ball because she also Live in Shanghai You know it's a mistake that a lot of guys make a lot of Asian guys because they meet a good-looking non-Asian woman Who's into Asian culture or into an aspect of Asian culture and you focus on that because you're like, oh, she likes anime Yeah, let's go to this anime convention. Let's go to this. Let's go to this anime ramen shop Let's do do do or oh, oh, she went to China. She's studying in Shanghai. Oh Let's only go get Shanghai needs food. Let's I'm like, that's not necessarily the best play Well, you super get ahead of yourself, right because you're like you're my dream I think that's a good basis for friendship, which is fantastic, right? But that's not necessarily a basis for romance. Yeah, right? And so I think as Asian guys do, you know, I think you have to look at it Like, you know, how do you how do you make sure you're you're actually putting the right moves out there? You know that are not just friend zone moves. Yeah, I want to ask you this Nelson Yeah, have you ever been on a date with a girl that you felt like was kind of out of your league and She she kind of W ghost you or it ended quick horse. Yeah So how did you feel when you went on a date? Like when you get that match with this high quality woman? You're like whoa, you know, like I don't deserve this, right? I mean, I think that mentality is a double-edged sword I mean because I think it's it's good to have that humility and that that realness that says man like hey Thank you for spending time with me, but on the other side of things It's you want to also look at like hey, we got it We got to see if we're compatible here, right? Like you got to be able to riff with them You got to be able to see if if they have the same type of humor the same type of affection Maybe the same love languages etc, right? Yeah, and I think I think if you're looking at it just from like Oh my god, like you're on a pedestal and like what am I doing with you? Why like then all of a sudden you're like you're not in a position of confidence and that's a that's a huge Or you're in a position of like naiveness Girls are always sensing this is my opinion girls are always sensing if the guy likes them But guys are not always sensing if the girl likes them back When they like think about oh this goes a good woman, this is a good woman I got to do this and this and this I got to hit the check marks But you're just running through the the the dinner you're running through this you're right You're not really digging deep into what you actually want But I think about the connection right right well real quick I gotta ask is she right or wrong for saying that she a she felt no romantic connection because that was real I think she's right. She said it. I think she's right. She didn't waste his time Yeah, but now they went did go on three dates Yeah, I consider wasting his time at all or did she need the three dates to tell him that or was she kind of? Getting some free dinners and having some fun experiences. I mean not not based on what it sounds like her profession I don't think it's a free dinner, but that being said I'm generalizing here But I do think though that she's preventing more waste of time It's good if by three dates there isn't a physical chemistry or like some type of relational chemistry there, right? So I think that's very nice of her to be able to stay up front like hey, you know I think we're good friends or I think we could be friends, but I don't think it could be more than that I think that's that's admirable. What do you think about this part where he goes? Yeah Maybe I was too uptight and did not escalate physically. I have done plenty in the past But this girl is very firm on boundaries and properties. I try to stay respectful for he's a I am decent looking myself I am not a Asian Chris Helmsworth, but I am okay. I'm 511 185 pounds with 15% body fat and I serve in Marines In fact, I studied chemical engineering at Ivy League school and I'm currently in my fourth year of PhD at state flagship Alright him Doing the whole math equation thing is a little it's a little bit odd Like to be like well, I do this and this and this and this so how can it mean this and this and this because if a plus b plus c equals F then why aren't I getting is it every I we got to acknowledge the elephant in the room You know how people say they're like Chinese people or Asians, but maybe I want to say mostly Chinese people are robotic Is he thinking a little bit like this like data from Star Trek? I mean being a little bit robotic about this interaction or at least robotic in a Western gaze I could totally it seems like Klingon or what it was. What was Spock Spock was Vulcan. Yeah half Vulcan like Here's my I think I think matching online can be statistical like you see each other stats the height the way the The looks okay matches up with mine that match can be statistical Chemistry is not yeah, and there was no chemistry between the dating can't be just on paper It doesn't work that way. Yeah, but alright So I have some quick reasons because I guess hopefully this is helpful to the OP who posted this And what are some possible reasons why she was not interested romantically? And I think some women who are have their pick of the litter have their options who are All educated and good-looking they honestly can go on dates with all different types of guys She might have just been interested from an exploration standpoint and be like, oh, I haven't dated that many Chinese guys from Shanghai. Let me just see what this is like could have even been as you know as crazy as it is in 2023 We're talking about X and all these things. This is more like a modern type of word Modern terminology. Yeah, it could he just could have had bad breath one of them. I'm saying it could have been Yep, yeah as my nude as that and as macro as like you're just too fobby for me Or I don't or or as shallow as I'm not physically attracted to your your Facial aspects. I mean under absolutely been also we have to think about this David like She could also have not been monogamous in her exploration phase So she could have been like, you know, maybe I like this other guy more than this guy the OP and you know I'm gonna let him down easy by giving this exam You know this explanation, right? So so we don't know too much. We don't know her POV But in reality like what the OP can do better my opinion, I think one I think he needs to probably be a little bit less so on presenting the stats I think in the end of the day that is that that kind of stuff is not measurable in real life, right? Yeah, number I think number two. It just also sounds like he needs to loosen up, right? Based on the fact that he's already self-admitting but Nelson loosening up That's one of the hardest things for a educated Asian man to do. It can't be Chinese let's be real especially for Chinese, but all Asians. Yeah. Um, anyway, let's just get into the comments section Yeah, this guy said have you ever thought that maybe it's not you and she just had other choices She liked better. Maybe you shouldn't Monday night quarterback this and move on except the last as part of the statistics of Eventually finding somebody suitable. Hey, you got to take L's in this online dating game I'm telling you man. It's just like if you lost a game in a sports game in your rec league Are you gonna think about it the next two three weeks? You got to keep it moving like or the best people Do move on and they just have a next play up mentality. Yeah, and I don't think the post game review is bad I think it is good to write to do some review and think about it a little bit But ultimately you you you got another game to play. What's the next comment? Um, this guy said Any well the guy asked any idea on managing the mental game when dating high quality women and this guy said You know what? I think this is where it all went wrong Let the women request Exclusivity and make a call what you are focusing on one you're focusing on one girl when no Relationship with that one girl even exists yet women have a sixth sense for desperation and sixth sense for who's getting lots If you heard of the memetic desire, everybody wants what everyone else wants Let's say that the strategy worked for me He's talking essentially and this is um, you can apply to dating and he's breaking it down a memetic desire But I would say I never even heard that Abundance mindset versus scarcity mindset you act different you feel different It may be potentially even the pheromones that you know how dogs can smell pheromones and hormones Maybe even release different when you're in abundance versus scarcity man. That's a that's such a good point I mean, I think you do want to look at like hey, you know if I miss this shot There's still other people out there Look at you know look at that Fail dating experiment as a learning lesson right but on the other hand I also look at like what can I do to best prepare myself for the dating world to be my best version number two You know like I think you have to also fix your mentality when you're dating somebody with with high standards And whether you're looking at using the term high value or not. I think that's a very I don't know I think if anything that's a a term that that's probably used inappropriately for some women But in reality, I think you should always be having high standards when you're dating, right? So I think you should always be putting your best foot forward We're talking your your character your traumas your your bank account, right? You're your job situation like your your dreams and values and all that Get those things in line. Yeah, and he might be let's be honest I under partially white worshiping because he's shing I knees Keep a real man. That's the internal Chinese stereotype. I don't even need to get it. Yeah We don't need to get into that 100 Google links to that. There's some back I mean, you know friends, yeah, it was a colony as part of China Anyways, to be then there's another comment that says to be clear You haven't probably done anything wrong, but you just need to find someone who is playing the same game as yourself And that pretty much means like hey, you've got to find another person that is looking for the same type of Situation who knows maybe this girl's dating three four guys who knows maybe she's just in a play-around phase Who knows all names? She's just an experimental phase. Who knows we don't know because you don't know because you didn't ask her Anyways, and then you know what? I think a lot of guys do and I don't know if it's a repetition thing or just a rookie versus a veteran thing a lot of guys Like front-load their desire like he was already imagining a life with this woman traveling back to Shanghai and going on the bun And why ton and going to shin Tian with her and it was like I noticed a lot of girls They more like back load It's the it does change obviously if this dude is super hot or whatever But like I'm saying that girls like more grow into it and dudes will like front-load it. I think that happens Yeah, yeah, that's like just a fundamental mismatch right there because she was gonna grow into it Maybe like you said she's seeding five different Chinese PhD So David do you have a tip does anybody have a tip on how to not hype yourself up when you when you match with a High-quality woman high quality woman like how do you know? I like do you treat all days the same? I would say that you Gotta get reps in but you got to get the coaching to and that's why I think it's good that this guy went to reddit Because let's be honest a lot of Asian guys, especially this guy who came from 12 from Shanghai He doesn't have the bro coaching to go over game film You don't mean and when you don't go over game film Let's just like in defense and basketball if you're messing up a coverage You're just gonna do it again and again exactly until you do watch the game film With the coach and then you fix it So I think that that's the main thing like if if you are a guy who's like constantly front-loading Your your like love for somebody. Yeah, I would say like when you're dating Man, you cannot put too much into one single or date Like you should have your mid-tier spot that you know You're gonna take them to yeah And if the girl doesn't like that if that's not nice enough for that for you for them Then that's a red flag right there. You know what I mean because you know You want to take up you want to do something nice but not too nice for the first day because ultimately you're not trying to set that Expectation super high. I think I was doing too much. He said nice restaurant. I took her to a concert the next day I'm it's almost like he was statistically trying to convince her with the dollar About it like a game of magic with like the mana and stuff I mean that's a term love bombing right so you have to be I think one you have to be careful about that I think number two. Yeah, you could definitely go into the logistics of like what type of price point are you looking at for dinner? You know coffee versus dinner walks versus coffee, but I mean whatever I think I think first and foremost I think you need to come in I think a guy needs to come with the right mentality You have to come in with the right amount of confidence But ultimately you got to be yourself and I think where the reps come into is like it's like going to a number of job interviews Like it takes time to share your story. It takes time to get to the point It takes time to find that chemistry. I I personally look at when you look at dates as job interviews You know half the battle is one because you actually were able to spend time with her You know half the battle is just showing up right and getting that call to show up And so I think as long as you could find that fit and be yourself and be comfortable and and not be so robotic Yet at the same time don't be unhinged right if you can find that I mean I think you're in a huge position Yeah, I don't know what he would have to do if this guy's 12 He's a PhD in chemical engineering and he came from China He would need to watch Just different movies and different music than he's consuming right now It would need to be outside of the sphere of what he grew up Maybe take an improv class a lot of people say improv classes help because it just helps you break out of your shell Helps you try to be funny on the fly. Yeah, do you think it would have worked better? Had he been back in Shanghai this type of like Overly concerned with analytics and stats in ultimately a field that is more heart based emotion based attraction based things that are very very difficult to Quantify on a scientific level That's good and I'm saying like if he was back in a place where everybody thinks like that maybe the girls thinking like that too So that you I'm saying like I'm not saying that all I still think he would be over-indexing for being back in the East but it would More people in the East think like this then in the West yeah in the West They really don't think like this and especially if he's on a date with a blonde woman a blonde woman is like even more than Eastern European woman is like gonna be the least thinking like this in my opinion probability wise right the most like you know Jane Austen like pride and prejudice. So are you saying that he should move back to Shanghai? Yeah, like if she was living in Shanghai, she just did a study abroad there She probably was like yeah, it was good But everybody there was too robotic and like stats based and then he just like bringing it Oh, yeah, finally a girl that is gonna accept my stats based in a little No, maybe he just bombarded her with questions about Shanghai. Oh, yeah, what's your place in Shanghai? Oh my gosh, have you had the fried child on power people square? Oh my god. Did you go there? Oh, did you say in Jingan? Oh, did you say by the button? Oh my gosh, blah, blah, blah, and then she's just like dude. What anyways, yeah I gotta add one more thing. I mean one thing one thing that comes off to me from the OPs post though is that I Bet I'm willing to bet that on those dates like there's something very Not just robotic about how he's probably speaking to her He's probably not even asking the right questions. I don't know to me. It almost like it looks like he's a kind of guy who'd be full of himself Actually and come off conceded come off self-centered. That's a good point But he's like I was not trying to be conceded. I was just listing the bullet point and the sub-bullets of my statistics I think because like when when you think about Asians to an Asian men You know when you think about the stats that he's putting out there He's putting physical stats and on top of resume stats like this guy doesn't sound very humble I think you know what I mean? Like it sounds like he's three inches taller than the average Asian Like maybe here in New York City 511 or something like that, right? Like he's probably more Athletically built he has a medical he's in the medical profession, etc. So he already is probably mom's favorite kid Right, so he probably grew up with this like Langdai like type of you know You know my my son's the most handsome in the world More like bionic man that makes it that's very I mean I think in the end I think girls find that very unattractive Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh especially Western women do not like that And I just think it's like tough because for his situation He's either gonna have to find somebody who's in sync with how he views the world and how we've used in a personal Relationship pings or he's gonna need to go on a long journey that probably involves spirituality religion West you know what I mean like consuming a lot of Western philosophies that I'm sure he hasn't been reading and in chem, you know Kim I need to go on a whole arc or just go with more women who think like I think the bank off of that though I would be very curious if his Dating history involves a lot of women who likes getting gifts likes the financial aspect of the relationship But isn't considered high-value to him From profession from Emily background from travel history, whatever. Yeah, I mean the truth is man We're all from the Chinese world This ain't the most uncommon story I've ever heard I mean like maybe if you're from a different type of Asian even like Filipinos like you do you don't know anybody like this trust me this Sort of like almost like throwback to the dynastic Imperial era thinking it ain't that uncommon. I'd say it's like 20% of dudes listen dating a high-level woman is not like getting into Ivy League school He's totally treating it like that. Well, look at my stats. Look at my stats. Look at my stats Why didn't I get in? Why didn't I get in and he's like knocking on the door of like, you know Yale? I why didn't I get in? It's good point, but yeah, I would also say going off your interview aspect. This is my last takeaway It's like as a guy you have to and I think this is what you have to do to do online dating to have stamina and Online dating you have to feel confident in yourself that you will and can match with women and you know that you have the value It's like when you go into a job interview Probably the job is gonna take you if you come off with that confidence that you can get another job Like you want this job, but you are capable of getting another job Because the employer wants to know oh other companies want you cool We're gonna take you so I'm just saying as a guy entering online dating And if you're gonna be on there for a while and you're not gonna just emotionally break down because it totally is emotional You got to feel secure in yourself and be like, you know what I lost one, but I'll probably mean another girl That's a better match. So it's cool. I'm gonna keep moving. But she had the fraud so long boy. I'm not gonna see you I'll say this man. This is just my general advice as a takeaways like I feel like Take all girls to like a mid-tier spot and then see if she likes you more versus investing in the Omakase dates right off the bat. Yeah Yeah, I'm but I'm let's be honest a lot of like more yappy dudes with the corporate jobs You know sure he has a high salary into Ivy League. They go with the old they leave with the omakase Yeah, I don't think that's sustainable, you know, I don't think it's financially wise either But you know, I think to you know to echo what you're saying though and I go with what Andrew's saying I personally think stamina is a big deal But I think sometimes it makes you really value meeting somebody offline and you know Coming from that and once again, yes, you've been able to go on dates and sometimes it feels like it's a turnstile It's a revolving door. It's it's literally just swipe swipe swipes And then you could line up your entire calendar full of these dates But I think sometimes when you meet somebody organically and you're like, you know Like now I'm kind of like getting rid of a number of these these meaningless ghosting conversations or or these these These maybe these conversations or these messages that end up going nowhere You're you're actually able to be real with somebody and you can feel them out in real real life And there's something sometimes so valuable about that. That's a good point I guess my last point is Andrew. What do you think? Do you think this will ever change? Do you think that Asian families will continue in the role-player game of life to like you know League of Legends when you building up your character with XP points or whatever you want to call it VC and 2k There are certain overlooked areas or you could build a holistic player But would you say a lot of like Chinese guys or Asian guys who really educated families? It almost feels like that romantic EQ sector was like they didn't get any distribution of points on their base player Yeah, I think it will continue for a while But I do think as long as the guys man If it's the key is to recognizing that early on so that you can get the coaching and the practice in So they tell up that attribute bar. Yeah, yeah, because it may not come from your family But anyways guys, we're gonna wrap it up right there shout out to Nelson for joining us That talk was somewhat helpful if you're a guy who's getting an online dating Let us know what you think let us know in the comments down below what you thought about the OP situation And check out smaller sauce calm. Yo, you know, I'm not your next date Yo, the way he was talking about his stats. It was like he was at that Shanghai singles park where the parents try to match Like a trading card anyways guys. All right, everybody. Thanks so much for watching until next time we out