 I do think going backwards is a semblance of just comfort and safety. I give 500 bucks to say that an ex has called or text you. Tonight, today. Since we've been on the couch. Ooh. I'm a go as far as saying. I didn't bet against you. I didn't bet against you. Self sabotage. Now, can we please spend some time with those two words? Taking care of your mental health has been stigmatized. And I think we're getting to a place where we're finally recognizing that this is not just a white people thing. Welcome to the final episode of the Harlem after show. Hey. It just takes one, hun. If like me, you just finished season two, one prime, then you already are in your feels. And here is where we unpack some of that. So today, myself, a group of my friends, the cast of Harlem, and of course you, are gonna talk about Quinn growing in her understanding of her mental health needs. Angie taking space with her friends in order to clear some room for new love. Ty going from a life in these streets to potentially married mom life all in one season. And of course, we gotta talk about Camille and Ian's tragic or finally romantic finale, depending on how you view their relationship. So let's start there. Season one of Harlem ended with Camille and Ian rekindling their love, but season two ended with them calling it off again. So which season had it right? Can you really get that old thing back once it's originally lost? Going back to your ex, yay or nay? Nay. Across the board, nay? Yeah, nay. I mean, I just feel like, you know, if everyone has a right, I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I just feel like if you've been fully committed, right, you're both feeling, you know what I'm saying, you know, working at it and you really give your best effort and you've laid it all on the line, like, you know, back in football, we used to say, you know, leave it on the field. If you really left it all out there and you did your best and you find yourself flipping that chapter, you know, because of that, I'm okay not turning back. Right, yeah. But we'll be different, you know? I mean, whatever is the reason that you guys, you know, broke up, if something isn't gonna be different than what's the point of going backwards, yeah. And sometimes I think there is a way that we can like have an ex and then get into a bunch of stuff that make you miss your ex, but like not the parts that you, that were not working. Right, but the parts that were working. And then you can go back thinking like, oh, but I wasn't getting this and this and this from these other people and I got that from you. And then you remember all the reasons why that actually doesn't work. So for me, sometimes going back feels, even if I feel the urge or I feel like the miss or the desire, I'm always reminded like, oh, you have to choose you and what you're choosing now is a semblance of comfort that isn't really, really good. A semblance of comfort, yeah. Because even if a person, even if the person that you were with say both of you guys both grow and you're in a different space of life, it is possible that you might not have the same issues that you have, but I do think going backwards is a semblance of just comfort and safety verses. And not to say that that, I mean, there's people who separate or dated in college and then got married and then 20 years in a line, they end up getting married after having dated 20 years ago. So I mean, I think there's no right fit for anyone in particular, but that makes the most sense to me. All it is fire in this one air is saying no. Right, right, yeah. I think it's also the clarity of retrospect, right? So it's like, like for me personally, it's like looking back, I know why those didn't work, whether it was me or them or me in that space with them. You know what I mean? Like, you know, and so I feel like looking back, it's like I've learned the lessons that I've needed to learn and I'm so good on that. And like knowing being so clear about who I am now and, you know, and what that looks like. So I think that too. Let's do a roll call. We got Jason back from episode two. Kevin here for the first time. The baddest special line. Amber back from episode three. And Camille Lewis is here for the first time. Our resident therapist who is here to ensure that we don't go too far left or too far right in this conversation. Let's talk about going back to an ex. Me! Fuck no. I'm a yay too. I'm a bow. You're not in the middle, Amber. Why are you lying? Amber! Well, why are you saying? You've chipped right out. I said nay and nay. I give 500 bucks to say that an ex has called or texted you. Tonight. Today. Since we've been on the couch. I'ma go as far as saying. I didn't bet against you. I didn't. Oh! And that's what I'm gonna say. Fall! Because she's seen me do it a bunch of times. I think it's a yay if there's an opportunity for growth. I think going back after it's past is just silly. Have your moment, move on, see what's next. Keep going. I'm actually surprised that you're a yay Camille. Yeah. Is this therapist Camille yay or personal life Camille yay? For real. Unfortunately it's gonna be both. Yeah. You know, I think that things are complicated and nuanced in ways that we might not understand. And I think depending on the circumstances that lead to a breakup, things can be irreparable or they can be revisited and a chance for healing. I think healing happens relationally and so it might be able to overcome some hurt and really revisit a connection that was really valuable. Do you think you need a therapeutic medium intervention in order to attempt love again with somebody that you failed at previously? I would strongly recommend it. I think that it's just great to have a support, especially if you feel like you're running into the same conflict over and over again or there's unresolved issues. Having somebody outside to kind of give some support and I guess insight into what their witnessing can help you see each other. Now you said nay. Jason, I feel like if I was your ex I could come back whenever I felt that energy you're giving. Probably, that's the problem. They all feel like they could come back whenever they want up to like a week ago. Well, I'm still friends with my exes. You can still be friends with them but going through those experiences over and over and over again, you figure it out like maybe this isn't gonna work but you could come back any time just to figure out that it's not gonna work. I think that in these instances sometimes you have to be curious about where you're willing to compromise. I don't know, I think kind of going back to an ex is self-sabotage, kind of like Mille and Ian. Self-sabotage. Now, can we please spend some time with those two words because they dominated the conversation on the cast of Harlem, particularly Megan Good's character on Twitter. And I think some further discussion is in order. So, let's start by outlining the tight bond that self-sabotage has with self-worth. Self-worth is the internal sense of being good enough and being worthy of love and belonging from others. And since belonging is very high up there on all of our list of priorities, protecting self-worth is business that the mind loves to mind. Now, although self-worth is about internal feelings, self-worth theory is based on the idea that we all gravitate to external activities and people that boost our self-worth. That also means that we are motivated to use strategies to avoid things that negatively impact our self-worth. In short, our brain loves doing stuff it has receipts of validation for and hates doing anything. It secretly knows that we're not that good at because it makes us feel bad about ourselves. One of those avoidant strategies is self-handicapping or what most of us call self-sabotage, which we can define as anything we purposefully do or don't do to undermine our likelihood of success. Now, when we indulge in self-sabotage we can admit to failure without hurting our self-worth by also admitting to an unflattering fault. For example, it's a whole lot easier to say, oh, I failed that test because I procrastinated. Then it is to say, I failed the test because I don't understand the material. And furthermore, I don't know if I'm smart enough to get it, even if I did give myself enough time. In romantic relationships, self-sabotage can look like reducing our effort so we can always say, well, whatever, I didn't really try if things don't really progress. Essentially, when we engage in self-sabotage we redirect our efforts from building competence to building excuses. Now truth be told, the scary thing is the opposite of self-sabotage is not success. It's an all out attempt at success that yeah, still might lead to failure. But at least this way we can feel pride and peace in knowing that we did our best even if our best wasn't good enough for that go. Plus, we can gain more clarity on how to improve our efforts in the future. And this is where we could end this conversation. But let's also consider that ego protection is not the only reason people self-sabotage. First, in some cases what looks like self-sabotage may actually be our intuition guiding us away from what we should do so we have space to discover what we actually wanna do. Second, now that we know more about mental health we have to also acknowledge that there are other factors outside of a person's level of laziness and perseverance that play a role in someone's ability to try their best in life and in love. We need to talk. Even less good. I have spent so much of my life trying to be whoever someone interested in me wanted me to be. And I lost myself. I'm beside the point in my own life. And when it all caught up with me this year trust me, it was not pretty. Meeting you this time around it was wonderful. But I need to figure out who I actually am and then fall madly in love with that person before I can know exactly who I wanna be with. It's easy to love something that seems perfect to love someone that seems perfect. None of us are. All of us are searching for that love that sees us exactly as we are. No masks, no veneers, no performance, just raw. And for you to say, that's good enough. That's love. I so agree with the way that Quinn did that because on the other side of things when my anxiety was crazy and I felt like I was in a situation being a people pleaser I was putting somebody else's feelings before mine. And it got to the point where I had an explosion and had to push away aggressively. And if I would have protected myself and my energy and put up those boundaries before I would have done it in a healthier way of explaining. And then I think in that way you can see who's really for you and who's not, right? If you explain to somebody and say, this is what I'm going through and they're understanding and they understand you you might have a future when you take care of yourself. And then if not then that's not the person for you. So I learned the way to do it by not doing it properly. Have you guys ever dated someone before who had mental health concerns? Yeah, I've dealt with people with depression or anxiety and bipolar as well. And as long as like you're helping me help you like you know I'm very understanding and but I also want to see that you're doing the work because growing up with people in my family that suffered from bipolar or just mental health issues I know how it is and you really got to be owning up to your and then doing the work. So as long as like you're on that side doing it then I can be there with you in the journey, you know? And it's all good. A big part of doing the work too is medication. And two, getting our quim back. Thank you guys. Although I will say that much of the credit goes to the meds. To the meds. To the meds. You know something I really thought that I would feel drugged or sedated while I was on them but it's been a few weeks and I don't. I mean I seem like me, right? Yeah, you're perfect. I was really happy to see Gwen so openly talk about medication with her friends because as somebody who works in the mental health field it's understandable and I come up against a lot of resistance from clients to talk about their medication or to share that they're on medication with partners or potential partners. And so to have this just be like this is just something that I'm doing. Like I think of mental health care as something that you just do to care for yourself to see this visually represented and to have there be such communal support is really great to see. I think we're getting to a place where we're finally recognizing that this is not just a white people thing that it affects everyone and it affects different identities and I think to incorporate medication into your treatment of yourself and your care of yourself. I really, really support it. I think that it can work, especially if you're working in tandem with like a talk therapist like myself or you have other methods of healing if it's Eastern approaches like acupuncture or sound healing, Reiki, all of those things. I think that having combined methods of caring for yourself is never a bad thing. There are some things that biologically or hormonally affect us that can really be supported by medication. So I'm here for it. To the meds. To the meds. And another big question that the Quinn storyline brings up is can you pursue romantic love if you don't have self-love first? Yeah. You're a therapist, right? No. No. I believe in self-love first because if I am hiding something from me that I don't want to address or I don't want to come up that my care for you is also steeped in me making sure that you don't get to those parts that I'm hiding either. I think we set such a huge expectation on women to be this thing that is worthy of love. And I think we don't do the same, we don't have the same parameters on men making love while when they're broke or broken. I hate to do this. This is actually the end of this video but it's also the beginning of something very cool and very beautiful that we have all done together. The beautiful team behind Harlem was so proud of the conversations that we have been having in this after show that they offered to house the second half of the episode on prime for a wider audience to enjoy. So please come over to prime to watch part two of this episode and when you do come over there, here's what you'll see. Because even I think healing in some aspects even from stuff when you were a child still takes a lifetime until you literally leave this planet. Can we talk about how the doctor created hesitation with the IUD though. IUDs can be removed just like any other form of birth control. I was under the same impression that I had to not choose an IUD if children were in my near future. You're sounding toxic right now. Yeah, yeah, a little bit. You are, you're like, listen, I'm a great man. Yeah, you don't know I'm a great man. You don't know yourself. It's like, is that it or is this the problem? It's giving gaslight. It's giving gaslight. Okay.