 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. The cigarette that's toasted to taste better. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yet it's the toasted cigarette. They take fine tobacco with light, Tobacco with smile, Tobacco too. And it's toasted, yes it's toasted. Because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So to get better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yet it's the toasted cigarette. This is Don Wilson. The song you just heard has an important message for everyone who smokes. The sure way to get better taste from your cigarette is to make sure you get Lucky Strike. It's toasted to taste better. Of course the better taste of a Lucky begins with fine tobacco. And then that fine tobacco is toasted. It's toasted, the famous Lucky Strike process, tones up this naturally mild good tasting tobacco to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes, a Lucky taste better because it's the cigarette of fine tobacco and it's toasted to taste better. So be happy, go Lucky. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby and yours truly, Don Wilson. Gentlemen, Donac Jack Benny does his first television program of the season. But of course, he also has a radio show to do. So let's go back an hour and visit Jack in his dressing room. He's relaxing before rehearsal. There's no business like show, business like no, business I know. When Irving Berlin wrote that song, he knew what he was doing all right. There's no business like show business and I'm sure glad I'm part of it. Gosh, I'll never forget how I first started. I remember when I made up my mind to go into Baltimore. It was the last week in June and I was 19. I had just graduated and didn't feel like I was going to go to school. I had just graduated and didn't feel like going on to high school. Ah, what memories those early vaudeville days bring back? Split weeks, two a day, New York, Broadway and the Palace. I'll never forget who was on the same bill with me when I first played the Palace. Jimmy Durante, Georgie Gessel, Johnny Wilkes Booth. Then vaudeville began to be killed off by a new medium, Radio. I wanted to go into Radio but I wouldn't try it until I had a sure-fire formula and character. Then I hit upon it. I decided to play the character of a tight, miserly skinflint. The public gets a million laughs out of my stingy character. And so do I when I count the money, I say. Yes, sir, there's no business like show business, da-dum, bum, boom, ba-boom. Then when my radio program was doing all right, I moved out to Hollywood and went into the movies. See, the movie business is funny. You make good pictures year after year and nobody thinks anything about it. But you make one stinker in your crew. See, I'm glad I quit before I made a bad one. Of course I take a lot of kidding about the hornblows at midnight. Yet I can honestly say I never heard of more than ten or twelve people who didn't like it. Come to think of it, I never heard of more than ten people who went to see it. And yet there were twelve people who didn't like it. This I don't understand at all. Oh, well, you can't please all of the people all the time. Sometimes I think that... I'm back, boss. So soon? Hey, did you get the shaving cream for me, Rochester? Uh-huh, I got the drug store across the street. Well, we haven't got much time, so come on and shave me. Okay, head still while I ladder you up. Okay. Say, what kind of shaving cream have you got there? It smells different from the brand I usually use. Oh, it is different. It's the newest on the market. It contains 18% lanolin, 7% antiseptic, 50% soap, 90% chlorophyll, and 16% smirnoff vodka. What's the vodka for? That saves money on towels. When you're through shaving, you just lick it off. Gosh, what won't they think of next? Come on, Rochester, you got my face all lathered up. When are you going to shave me? In just a minute. Excuse me. I'm going to shave Mr. Belly now. If you wrote that tune, he won't let anyone shave without her. How are you doing, Rochester? I'm practically done now. May I talk to you for a minute? Certainly. What is it, Don? Can we do the press rehearsal right away? I want to see my dentist before the show goes on the air. Wait a minute, Don. How come you made a dental appointment on the day of the broadcast? It was an emergency. Last night, while I was watching television, my wife gave me a sandwich and I broke a tooth when I bit into a bone. A chicken bone? No, my wife's arm. She didn't pull it back fast enough. Oh, Don, you're joking. Yes, I am, Jack. But I did break a tooth, and if I don't have it fixed, I'm afraid I won't be able to do the commercial properly on the program. Well, don't let that worry you. The sportsman quartet, they can always do it. Yeah, I know. And they're across the hall rehearsing with Maylon Merrick, your arranger. Well, come on, I'll go listen to it. I'll be back in a few minutes, Rochester. But boys, you still got a little lather on your face. Don't worry, I'll get it off before the show. Come on, Don. Here. Oh, oh, Maylon. Yes, Jack. How are you getting along with the boys in the band? Fine. After all, we're not exactly strangers. I've worked with them for years. I know how to control them. Well, I'm glad someone can control them. The way they carry on drinking and everything. Oh, Jack, I think you're too hard on them. They're not so bad. Oh, they're not. Look at them. Bagby half asleep there on the piano. Rice leaning against his bass fiddle to keep them falling down. And look at Remle. I mean, what kind of an instrument of that is trying to play? Instrument. That's a stomach pump. Heaven's sakes. Well, Maylon, the reason I'm here is I'm wondering whether you can prepare a commercial for the sportsman to do on today's program. Sure. I've got a real catchy tune right here. Hit it, fellas. You play that tune of yours all the time just because you wrote it? I want the quartet to do the commercial on today's program. Now, can you have something ready by airtime? Oh, sure, Jack. In fact, we have one here, and it's all about you and your big blue eyes. Commercial about me, my eyes? Ah, sweet. Let's hear it, Maylon. Okay, take it, fellas. Who are you smiling at me? Nothing but blue. Do I see ever said he's 39? Never saw a man except on the day when he takes a swim. The girlies all screech because his bloomers reach clear down to the beach. But you know we found Happy Nail. Take a tip from me, Smoke and Ellis M.S.T. Better tasting, too. Find tobacco through and through. Start to puff. You will like them, sure enough. They to find tobacco. Very fine. That's a fact. Lucky's our best. The favorite brand. Appreciate your dedicating that song to me. Now, Maylon, I'm going back to my dressing room and see if Dennis has come in yet. Then we can get on with the... Remly, stop licking the lather off my face. For heaven's sakes. Now wait for me, fellas. Like show business. Back so soon, Mr. Benny? Was Dennis Day here? Or did he call? No, sir. I wonder where he could be. I better call up his house and see if he's left yet. What is it, Gertrude? Mr. Benny's line is flashing. Yeah. I wonder what the Egyptian wants now. Let's find out. Yes, Mr. Benny. Okay, I'll bring Dennis' house. What's that? I have another date tonight. He asked you for a date, Gertrude. Not exactly. He wanted me to come over to his house and help him finish the ironing. And get him Dennis Day's house. Hard getting back to work after a vacation. Now you said it, Mabel. And I had such a wonderful time at Catalina. I became an expert skin diver. Skin diving? Isn't that the sport where you put on an oxygen tank and see how far down in the ocean you can go? Yeah, and you also have to put fins on your feet. You needed fins? The girl who gets $20 an hour for crutching grapes. Diving as exciting as people say it is. Yeah, you never can tell what'll happen. Once I was down on the ocean floor and a great big octopus came up behind me and wrapped all of its eight arms around me. Gosh, were you scared? Yeah, it felt like I had a date with a sportsman quartet. So impatient. There's no answer at Dennis Day's house, Mr. Benny. What? But, Mr. Benny, I told you before I couldn't come tonight. You heard truth acting independent lately. Did the operator reach Dennis Day? No, there was no answer at his house. He'll probably show up soon. Hey, Rochester, I gave you the night off. If you want it, you can leave now. I changed my mind, boss. I'm not going out. But I thought that you and your friend Roy were going to the movies. Yeah, but now he doesn't want to. He told me he decided to play a penny ante instead. Well, that doesn't sound very exciting. You ought to see a penny! Well, anyway, Rochester, if you want to leave... Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, Dennis. Dennis, I was just trying to get you on the phone. Oh, am I late? Not exactly, but I did want to get the rehearsal started a little earlier than usual. Well, I started out for the studio early, but on the way here, I saw some people fighting and I tried to stop them. I got sucked in the eye twice. Well, at your own fault, Dennis, you shouldn't have tried to stop them from fighting. It was none of your business. Yes, it was. They were my mother and father. Well, what caused the argument this time? Oh, my mother was mad at my father. Well, what happened? They moved away again and my father told me where. Dennis, I can't understand why your mother keeps trying to lose you. After all, she is your mother. You wouldn't dare say that to her face. No, I guess not. But Dennis, much as I'd like to discuss the pugilistic proclivities of your parents, I think we should get into the studio and start the rehearsal. Okay. Hold it, fellas. Hold it. Yeah, hold it. Hold it. First of all, we may as well start with the sketch. Oh, what's the sketch we're going to do? Well, we're going to do our version of that spectacular 20th century Fox Cinemascope production, Garden of Evil. Uh-huh. Which starred Gary Cooper, Susan Hayward, and Richard Widmark. Now, I will play the Gary Cooper part, which is the leading role. Naturally. Yes, naturally. Yes. Now, Don, let's rehearse it. Set the scene. Okay, a little mood music, please, Marilyn. We're going to Mexico, not Madison Square Garden. Don Wilson said or he'll bite your arm. A little of the last century, hordes of Americans moved down to California, seeking gold. Our play concerns two men who were bound for the goldfield by boat, but were blown off their course and landed on the coast of Lower Mexico. Can we come in? Señor, this is a very secret place. Secret? Yes. This is Hernando. Cook. Oh, then this is a restaurant. What do you have to eat? We serve chili con carne, fijoles, tacos, guacamole, tortillas, and mozza ball soup. Mozza ball soup? Here, come on, Wilson. Right this way to the table. Fill the menu. Hey, they got everything on it. Are you hungry, Wilson? Hungry, I'm sorry. Don't you get tired of the same thing every day? Say, I've been looking at our waitress. She's kind of cute. I'm going to try to date her up. Hey, Señorita. Yes, Señor. How about a date tonight? I cannot go with you, Señor. I'm married. The bartender over there is my husband. Your husband, eh? Go over and talk to him. Hey, are you the bartender? Si. Si. What's your name? Sol. What are the names? Sol, Sid, Sage, Sam, Sal, and Junior. That must be Si. Si. Come on the table. No salt, eh? Well, I'll get some. Sue. It's taken me a long time to get here. I walked for over five days over mountains, across rivers, through the hot desert. I was even captured by Indians. No. They held me captive for a while, but when I gave them a handful of beads and a cheap necklace, they let me go. Stupid Indians. What is it you want? I need a man to go back with me to where I came from. I need help back there urgently. Miss, that's a dangerous trip. I know. So I'm offering $1,000 in gold to any man who will come with me. Well... Or if you prefer, I'll give you a great big kiss instead. I spoke to him. Chief partner, I feel sorry for you. You must have gone through a terrible ordeal. It was awful, terrible. Eight long days and nights being trapped in here alone. I didn't mind the pain from my broken leg so much, but it was the loneliness I couldn't stand. The terrible, frightening loneliness. Day after day, night after night, no one to look at to talk to, just being alone, alone, alone. And this morning, a big rattlesnake crawled in here. Oh, my goodness. What did you do? I taught him to play gin rummies. Look, take it easy, partner. You're out of your mind. I'll try to dig you out. Not right now. I want to finish this game. Gin! Ouch! Boy, what a sore loser. Take, bitch. Oh, do something. Do something. No, it's too late. I'm going fast. Darling, kiss me goodbye. Yes, dear. Who do I hate to go? Everything is turning black. Kiss me again. I had to take the leading role. What a jerk I was. Naturally. Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be back in a minute to tell you about my television program, which goes on at 7 p.m. tonight on the CBS television network. But first, here's the sweetheart of Lucky Strike, Miss Dorothy Collins. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted cigarette. They take five tobacco, it's mild tobacco too, and it's toasted. Yes, it's toasted because the toasting brings up flavor right through. So to get better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike gets used to serve to give you the best taste, yet it's... That song gives you the big reason why so many millions of smokers always ask for Lucky Strike, a Lucky Taste Better. It's toasted to taste better. The better taste of Lucky Strike begins with fine tobacco. Why, sure, L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. But there's even more to it than that. Just before it's made into Lucky Strike cigarettes, that fine tobacco is toasted. The famous Lucky Strike process, it's toasted, tones up Lucky's mild, naturally good tasting tobacco to make it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. That's the Lucky Strike story pure and simple, and why you'll enjoy them. A Lucky Taste Better, because it's the cigarette of fine tobacco, and it's toasted to taste better. So get a carton of better tasting Lucky Strike. Ladies and gentlemen, as I mentioned before, tonight I'm doing my first television show of the season. And this year I'll be on TV every other week. And of course, radio every week. She went hard work. If I didn't stay 39, I'd never be able to take it. Tonight, folks, I'm a little old. I mean, late. This is a program by Milk Joseph's Bird, John Packaberry, Al Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.