 Hey there, let's have a talk. Let's have a discussion. These sound pretty good, right? You're excited because someone cares about what you think. Communication is all important to share, care, and be cared about. Still, too often, the discussion, which is a two-way sharing of information, devolves into an argument. The motions rise, each side digging their heels until they're hearing but not listening to the other side. Further escalation means a blow-up, the results of which are damaged emotions and no solutions or greater understanding. So how do you get your point across yet not start a war? Let's take a look at a few ways to approach the argument and bring it back to healthy communication. Number one, keep the temperature Emotions are human and we can keep them in check, not doing so cripples communication. A certain widely broadcasted political debate from September 29th 2020 is an example of this. Hint, it involved the phrase, will you shut up man? That wasn't calm and it didn't result in anything useful, other than maybe some entertainment. When the feelings spike, we perceive a threat from the other person. We go into fight or flight and emotions will trump logic, no pun intended. It's like that kid sticking their fingers in their ears shouting, I can't hear you la la la la la communication is dead. Let's take a deep breath to calm and ground you. Slowing down and pausing while speaking reduces the threat impression, like cool water meeting a feverish forehead. This allows the other person to open up in kind. Also occasionally a statement asked like a question gives a sense of inviting the other person to share their views, further de-escalating the situation. After all, how things are said is just as important as what is being said, if not more so. Number two, have a sense of humour, including about yourself. A glass cannon fires shots but can't take any back without exploding. Don't be a glass cannon. Enforced one-way shot firing is bullying. Humour can break the tension or awkwardness that is causing minds to close and anger or hurt feelings to rise. It makes you more persuasive since it sends a message of, hey, I'm on your side, I'm friendly and can laugh with them. It can remind the other person that no matter what the topic is now, there's more to you than just this conversation or argument. Of course, this does require care, having a good feel of what is appropriate and when. If comedic timing has not your superpower, maybe let others initiate. Number three, ask questions and listen carefully. This is such an accurate quote, we're gonna share it with you. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. They listen with the intent to reply. Steven R. Covey, we all do it. Even with the best intentions, selectively listening only to the parts you want to respond to means you're making assumptions to fill in the parts that were ignored. The other person feels invalidated and that they were lured into speaking solely to be stepped on and used for your own ends. Cue argument going nowhere. To win in this situation, regardless of what kind of questions you ask, you do have to listen to the other person with the intent of understanding where they are coming from and from their point of view. This will reveal better information to use, with no assumptions to muddy it up. Your goal will determine the kinds of questions to ask, understanding to bond or sparking a debate. If it's a reach for understanding, you can try the Socratic method. Start with a validation and end with a question. It's clear you've heard them and you want to know about an inconsistency. Maybe they have the answer. If you want to get a lively debate going, you can get more provocative and challenging, posing hypothetical questions and directly challenging their points. 4. Realize and accept you might be wrong. The conundrum of being human. We want to know everything, and some of us act like we do know everything, but no one actually does. Occasionally, you'll find out you weren't wrong, per se. Just the other party was at conspiracy zealot levels of belief, where logic, facts and evidence hold no power. Good news, that's a release. You don't need to waste your precious time anymore. You can just walk away and smile while you do it. Other times, though, we are actually wrong. We get it. Our pride has been dealt a blow, especially if the other person is delicate about it. And that is okay. In fact, it means you were gifted a shiny new bit of information. The other person is still in the same place, but they shared with you. So be nice. As a bonus, graciously admitting you were wrong and showing a willingness to learn is a testament to your awesomeness. It means new knowledge doesn't break you. It allows you to grow, exercise flexibility and change. Agreements are not forbidden. Labelling the exchange as an argument connotes the need to win. It implies a mighty battle where the other side must concede and bow before you. Pardon us. Got carried away there. The point we're making is that it doesn't need to be this way. Healthy communication involves both give and take. Dishing out, only rebuttal and rejection makes people feel attacked. Even if it's backed by logic, they will dig in. Agreements, though, even partial ones, show them that their message matters and you're listening. Finding that small island of common ground can be critical to being able to progress without bloodshed. Enter the yes and or yes also type of statements. This validates them and also invites moving forward with the discussion. Even if nothing they say agrees with you directly, you could recognize that they're coming from a good place with good intentions, validating their right to their beliefs. Research and Use Facts This is as much for yourself as for the argument, debate or discussion. The research allows you comfort in knowledge and allows you to apply facts to the argument. Facts help to diffuse emotional arguments, replacing them with logic. Being comfortable and knowledgeable further increases your ability to identify inconsistencies, contradictions and assumptions from the other person. They might be basing their stance on inaccurate information, your knowledge based on facts. Let you respond accordingly and come out on top. Cool, collected and correct. Number 7. Appeal to Higher Values Make it meaningful to the person or people you're talking with. Logic and facts are great to give you credibility, but people tend to stop listening when they're bored or can't relate. So a little emotion is okay and more importantly, a relatable angle where your stance wants what they want helps immensely. We've all seen that celebrity or politician whose arguments are nonsense. But their delivery has given them a massive following. Where they say things like, shouldn't we all be working to make the world better and safer for our children? Or, we want to and can be better people, right? So imagine what could happen if you do have something meaningful and can appeal to the other side. We all win some and lose some and remember, if you win, don't be a sore winner. Rubbing it in people's faces or doing a touchdown victory dance to mock them, that's a sure way to not make friends. You're better than that. When with respect, humility, understanding and kindness. After all, no one knows everything and you might as well be on the non-winning side next time. Which one of these techniques have you tried in the past, if any? How did it go? Feel free to discuss and comment. We promise we're not arguing with you, we just want to hear from you and have you like us. Thanks for watching, see you next time.