 Can't be watching that type of porn on the fucking laptops without virus protection. You're gonna fuck both of them up Okay We're on that We love welcome to episode five of the Martin Michael podcast fully Actual episode number five. This is number five of the year and let me tell you fuck me Do you guys see the episode that came out yesterday the American football episode the series that we got going the second episode The series red boxing and then American football is fucking great. It's looks like it looks incredible. Julien's a very good job Yeah, he's very cute, too, but we've done a good job, too. Yeah, well done Fucking let's give ourselves a round of applause If you haven't seen it go on fucking have a look and they're getting better and better All right, and tomorrow is terrifying because we have to go film because we filmed five of the ten episodes We still have another five to film and tomorrow We have to film with the nitro circus boys. So we're gonna fucking they're gonna take us to their huge ramps I've never even been to a fucking skate park. I don't even know how to fucking Drop drop in is that what they say? Julien said he can't I'm so excited if it's real for a fucked scary cuz Julien said that he's gonna do it But yeah, so we got a film with them tomorrow that's fucking terrifying and then we just got four more episodes to do and we're fucking done skis come If there's any so professional soccer players out there mate you said we had an interesting comment from yeah We had um a guy Asked that I was sorry told to see new joey's cousins with jade north I think yeah jade north is a former soccerers player because we've been we've been trying to get into contact with fucking Brisbane raw, right? So I emailed them directly to start with and they're like, and I say we don't want that type of publicity So then we just contacted some of the players because we know people who are friends with the actual players There were heaps keen that would they were nearly lined up to go film the soccer episode with them And then they come back on us. Sorry. We're not allowed to the club says we're not allowed It's like fuck off. Yeah, we're doing them a favor. You get some extra exposure all they're doing is kicking some soccer balls at us It's like fucking relax. It's better. It's fair to say that Marty and Michael as a whole are bigger than Brisbane And we're probably better at soccer too, I don't know So now we're struggling to find people for the soccer episode So if you fucking know fucking soccer play listen, Brizzy's fucking wants to fucking go fucking episode with us Can't you fucking let us know come anyway moving on? Let's get the fucking sponsors out of the road man escaped has come on board for another 30 months guys So they loved they thank you guys for buying shit with our fully actual code Fully actual all one word you get 20% off all of their shit. It's like super cheap and it's really good shit You can shave your balls without any nicks and stuff. You don't bleed at all They give you a little bum bag or bum bag your drugs in here. You can use that for anything You could cut up you could cut shit up and put it in here. What's that? These are ball wipes, but I use them for my face and mouth Afterball I have an announcement. Oh You bought one I bought one with what's it like and I shaved my balls and how was it? Can I see it? I'd zero. Yeah, really. Yes. Oh my god Sure, yeah, what do you mean are we sure? Oh fuck you And I had zero cuts nothing All right, so we're about to see firsthand how the balls are all right, so he's got his little Can I touch it you lump all right Here's something we need to talk about let's just get the sponsors. Yeah, I know but we're going in the next sponsor So you shaved really we're gonna get to this you fucking you fucking pig you fucking pig Can't but yeah, man If you want to buy shit use fully actual code and then they'll continue to sponsor helps us So if you needed to buy shit like this you may as well use that code and save some money because it's actually a really good shit Yeah, like you're helping us by giving us a little bit of money You're helping yourself to and we're helping you by shaving your balls. I'd be so clean of women want to suck them Yes, they do Now Also another sponsor probably let's be real the main sponsor and probably the best Sponsor ever right Right. Yeah, and like if I had any opportunity I'd be on there like that, you know, I'd fucking sub to it I'd pay to get on it is it is and it is an on fire Subscription platform that has just the most lit entertainment that you've ever seen you've ever seen we today And this is only for the website We fucking got a lawn mower and we went over we started with easy things like flour Just because it looks cool progress to thumbtacks went through to glass nail stones Then deodorant fucking cans. Yeah, well, I'm gonna tell you what happens But it is fucking pretty cool writing a mower over a deodorant can very scary, but very fun So that's only on the website and the reason we mentioned that is the website is the sponsor of this podcast University of Michael you can jump on for 21 days for free to see if you like the content So if you don't like it, you got nothing to lose you can just fucking jump back off link will be in the description for YouTube If you're listening on Spotify, just find us on Instagram. Okay, and the link is in the bio there. Okay, Matthew Michael have you how have you been nothing good? Have you been watching anything? Have you been able will you be able will you be able to watch the fucking lawn mower video? Do you even wanna do you even fucking care about us like us man? It's a little bit hot in here So, okay, I get to touch your balls You're not fucking doing this If you had a subscription website, I would sign up Especially if there was off a 21 day free trial to be given especially hold it hold it hold it It was poor if I had a prescription website. I'd give it to you for free because I'm your friend We don't know how to do that. We don't it tech. Yes We can show you some of our videos if you want you look off my phone on our phone But man, I don't know how to give you free shit. I don't work back end man. I only we make the fuck We are not the coders I'm still working out how to put your numbers in I've so I signed up to any any of Jackson's shit except for his only fans when he had his description thing to Charmies, yeah, and up to show my support. I don't even watch it that much And we only see them really you see us every week every week you fucking see us man We came to your birthday. We let you into our into our member Facebook group for free Yeah, dude, that's freedom Did you get some birthday fucking messages? Yeah, I got lots of birthday messages. Thank you to everyone who sent me a birthday message Any murders in Mexico? No murders in Mexico. I did get I did get a link to some Very disgusting Scat porn no child for ones in no child porn though. It's good. Wow. I had a good time proving it's things are cleaning up a little bit Yeah, it's great to hear No, it's lovely to be honest. It's a fucking you fucking pig He would fucking love the website to the Calvin and timid episodes you would be in the punishment episodes He's love it to be honest bullying episode. Oh, like you would really enjoy it. It's just Yeah, it's just like I enjoy it and it's my own vids We watch them for hours I'm literally signed up as soon as you guys leave. I've got a routine I just smashed down three bongs and then I pop it on TV and I watch myself pops in the Blu-ray I will admit of The mighty Michael supporter base is really getting behind you guys movement Continue getting me to fucking fucking especially if you're in the Facebook group members Get the fucking pig to fucking sign up get the pig to sign up to the fucking subscription service It's the least he can do That's a matter of fact. All right moving on Let's see what the fuck we'd has written this week Oh Yeah on this day. All right, Matt. What do you reckon about on these days? I haven't even had a look I haven't had a chance. I have been so busy. We filmed the lawnmower video today Don't touch me. We are so I haven't even had a chance to sit down and have a read of the mat So what do you think about eight and a half out of ten? Mmm. Okay. All right. Let's see some juicy All right on this day in 1997 Princess Diana attempted to go back to the future by driving at 88 miles per hour straight through a tunnel She lost control of the vehicle when the passenger asked her what time it is and she stupidly looked down at her wristwatch She slammed into the side of the tunnel and her body was grated into mints along the course tunnel wall pretty funny Oh So she tried to come back Well, she was trying to go maybe to the future May she want to come like be here right now with us on the podcast So that's when she fucking went through the tunnel the first time. That's the first time I'm thinking right? So she's only been through it once she was actually trying to go through we have to go at the exact 88 miles per hour So when that happened they said that you know, she was killed in a car accident She was actually trying to go to the future. I think so. Well according to Matt Yeah, that's fucking so right man Let's make it packed right now all three of us by the way if in our lifetimes we come across time travel Let's travel back in time to 5 p.m. Which is in half an hour to this very spot Because then if we then we'll know if we'll see each other Yeah, exactly six of us then we'll know then presents us will know if we ever encounter time travel Do you understand what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, wait a minute. So that means right now One of us are gonna war all three of us could possibly walk through the door if we agree to come back to this time right now What about? This is breaking my mind What about if one of us does and then the others come at a different time? Because then that person came at this time and then it goes on and then that person goes because I'm gonna be a Guests on the podcast or something is that your idea because we're all agreeing right now if I In my and when I'm like 80 years old if I encounter time travel I'll come back to this very moment at 5 p.m. And now this moment will pass and what if I haven't gotten to time travel yet It would Matt hasn't and we haven't come at that exactly then we won't and then we'll know that we never ever encounter time travel in Our life hang on if you all know who dr. Brown is Emmett Brown From back to the future He specifically says if you go back in time and interact with yourself you could tear a hole in the spacetime continuum It doesn't matter. I'm willing to risk it if you boys are let's make a pact that we come back at 5 p.m Yeah, I'll do it. I don't think it's gonna happen on the 9th of March 2021 9th of March 2021 at 5 p.m. We come here to this address this exact address I will not say the address but Matt dress is for Matt has to be naked All right agreed Why 5 20? Hey 5 20 no 5 p.m. Why 5 because it's a half an hour time. So basically we're gonna get a massive shock and it's a Well, that's what I'm thinking and yeah, I could really I could really excited my day. Yeah, so if we fucking all right, let's fucking I'm gonna get to fuck myself What's the date? Do you remember the day? Hey, you got to remember the date? I don't a 9th of March 9 March 2021 5 p.m. Okay, don't forget it because if you get it and you encounter time traveling 50 years time You fucking forgot the date. It won't work. Do you understand and no much 9th of March 2021 5 o'clock Do you think the new versions of us will have the new iPhone? I don't know. I don't I think I thought we will be I ferns ourselves. Yeah, unfortunately. Oh, no, they'll be in the the brain Yeah, we all in there. Anyway on this day in 1999 Mariah Carey went to rehab for eating batteries Double a battery sandwiches were found in her handbag when I went through it I told her manager about it and the manager kept asking me who I was and what I was doing there I'm no longer allowed back in America. Wow. Did you have a crush in it? Yeah a little bit She's a real big diva very research of all I want for Christmas is double-aid batteries. She said that was the original lyric Wow Matt found that out Wow No triple a shit fucking doubles they're bigger aren't they the doubles? Yeah triples the little ones on this day in 2011 I Matthew Gregory Brown became obsessed with Barbie dolls I mean I always collected them But I started becoming sexually attracted to them and would often gently kiss them when no one was around After a few months it escalated and I would be removing their tops and sucking on their small plastic tits Well inserting my thumb up my ass a few Barbies I even bit their tits off altogether. You guys don't know this But my family had to actually step in last year and I threw out my Barbie collection I had over 300 sucked on sticky Barbies I haven't sucked a Barbie tit for over 14 months now. Fuck maybe don't read this one. It's pretty messed up. Oh Wow, dude, so that Ken dolls just Barbies Yeah, I think all dolls really there's a it's a there's an actual thing for dolls There's a thing they a name for it. Yeah, we went to a And this is another video that's only exclusively on the website. It's which sex toy hurts the most we've done two of them Yeah, we didn't use them, but we saw they have a sex doll in there. Guess how much It's like a real woman is one of the ones that start up like the speaker sound Yeah, and she was like working behind the counter and like she was like full robotic Yeah, I hit it and it didn't do anything she laughs I'm a watching Joe Rogan and that comedian chick had one that was made like her Yeah, it's like and just to would talk every now and then yeah Well, this one wasn't really talking. This is that we like about that, but it looks very real, but guess how much? 500 three grand For a wife, though. Yeah. Yeah, dude, I guess Let's shit. Yeah, it's like we'd be very lazy. Why I want to try it very you wouldn't really get much Unbelievable. I imagine what it's gonna be like in 30 years Yeah, well in Japan apparently sex dolls sell hardcore and they're they're sort of like the Japs love pump and plastic shit Hey in Europe Pretty sure in Europe. They've opened the first sex doll brothel Whoa, yeah, so they must have different sort of, you know, like flavors is weird Yeah, you know like goth ones redhead ones. How do you know one? I watched a documentary on it I come with Barbie dolls, but the the condition is called. I'm gonna pronounce this wrong. It's Agel matophilia Agel matophilia. It's even got your name in the can I know MAT is in there and It's the sexual attraction to dolls. That's fucked come Wow. You are a fucking messy boy I'll tell you that much. No wonder you're not subscribed to the web dolls are so small. They'd be hard to like I mean the Barbies Yeah, that'd be hard to get off over. I'd need like a life. I don't know. Maybe if you just gargled on one, you know Yeah, I guess yeah true, but that's there might be some affixiation. Yeah, you could put one up your ass, too That's possibly a snap I'm in half. Maybe I don't know maybe the sound of the plastic breaking But even making them all have sex is possible as well, you know people used to put I grab my sisters one You put them in funny positions and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, that was always Sick puppy. No, I see that on this day in 1989 Jennifer Lopez sprinkled ham on her lawn and planted it She was trying to grow pigs and didn't realize that that's not how you make pigs The ham attracted rats and she fled the city and that she lived in and decided to become a singer Wow JLo is still kicking. She is a gorgeous lady for her age. What a dumb fuck though Yeah, like I don't know about the ham thing But yeah, she didn't she just play it like the latest NFL what's Super Bowl the grand final I don't fucking know. I don't don't quote him on that everyone. Don't quote in fact ignore Completely ignore it completely what he said. No, she might have so don't ignore it You know played at the Gabba. Look it up yourself. How about that Google who played at the Super Bowl was it Jennifer Lopez? All right Thank you leave it at that. Thank you All right, let's go to the fucking some fucking questions We've we've adopted the voting system this week So you guys post your questions on the YouTube video podcast and then you vote by liking the questions that you want Us to answer so we've picked like what how many fucking ten or some she'd come the fucking daughter one fucking answer That's gonna fucking read me. I count 12 or 13 Yeah, and there was a lot of voting so I've had to Some might be next week as well. You might have asked him this week, but I mean next would be trust me I'm getting them all or just keep keep ask keep commenting the same questions until they're in the top top Because you know if you want to support the podcast comments help comments shares Subscribing as well just have a second now if you're watching and just press the red button It takes a second like the light and then the thumbs up like that because then YouTube's like what the hang on a second These fucking cunts here right people think that this shit is good I All right first question is from Zach Bell Can we please get an episode with Yulia and touch base on his ashay days Yeah, man, he would love to talk about that too. He fucking loves talking about his ashay days. Anyway, Julian Come on here and show us what you got Little ashay next question is from oh Kaz Oh, you freak me. I'm sorry boys Marty if you get the opportunity to get a salary of five million dollars per year Would you dump Michael and go solo? No, we get all right now and it's never been about the bloody cash Oh, and we'll be fucking good life over that and we'll be fucking rich one day anyway, so He's gonna keep chipping keep clapping keep working Keep checking and I don't even know what I'd do on my own. I just yeah, it's so good. I'd fart I'm just far into the mirror by myself Part compilation part In the eyes of your fucking blood Fucking Seriously, my blood pressure is insane Because I've been getting weird heart palpitations, right So I was like fuck I'd better go to the doctor because they're happening like daily So when the doctor last Friday and a turn she like she's like, you know routine just took my blood pressure blood pressure 170 over like fucking a hundred or some shit and she was a gosh Really, that's a mistake took my blood pressure again and then again, and it was like the same every fucking time So she's like, okay, we need you obviously need to go get all these tests. So I've Insanely high blood pressure and I think I'm hoping it's not my heart. I think it's just because stress and lack of sleep It's a very stressful life this life. Yeah, and Hopefully it could be for marijuana use surely like a sleep must affect that Yeah, that's what I'm thinking cuz I'm sleep much at all I'm maybe fucking the doctors is there's so many fucking doctors because we are doctors too now and social media is a doctor That watch out. I don't know about that. I don't want anyone to start scaring me Say them best case scenarios. Oh fuck it. No, I'm off that cut that bit I don't want to hear cuz some evil shit will come through in all ups. Yeah Yeah, so it's so yeah, I'm just gonna I'm just gonna try and get off stuff cut out meat again And I've stopped fucking Smoking weed at night and the heart palpitations have stopped now blood pressure is still insanely high But I'm just gonna fucking see if I can chip away. Let's go veggie. Oh hard and then eat plants Yeah, so fucking annoying. Yeah, it's if that could be an answer to fix it though. You'd have to research Well, yeah, that's what the book. I'm pretty sure it's gonna get me stress under control and my sleep and now like So hard to sleep. Yeah, dude. It's It's difficult everything. Wim Hof is literally the only thing that gets the blood pressure down. Fuck. He's a fucking genius That to the ice bath. So I don't know. I haven't measured it after Anyway, next question next question is from Lake McBurgen How did you come up with the podcast name? Is it because you guys are fully actual aliens? Michael must be one. I think Michael you came up with the term fully actual when I was traveling through Central and South America I was traveling with these dudes that I met from Sydney and they were loose units. Shout out to you Max, Jono and Luke and Will and then that's all I could say because I was always fried. I'd say dude. This is fully actual It was just all I said for like fucking weeks on end and then like when I came back that just became like my favorite saying When did we decide to make it the now? I remember we decided to do the podcast and one day I came over and might have said we're gonna call it fully actual I just pissed myself off. Oh, it's so good because you know how like some people say oh, it's actually amazing Yeah, and people and then other people say it's fully good. Yeah, it's fully rad. So it's fully actual It's the best fucking combination of two words ever fully and it's a sentence and it makes sense But it's a weird yeah, it's it's like a Cool car. I don't want to fucking it's like a cool car driving down the freeway. It's like a cool loser hahaha It's sort of like a conundrum in itself and they just fuck each other the fully fucks the actual and the actual fucks the fool It's like a cancer, but it's benign. Yeah, it's both Good and bad. It's the yin-yang. It doesn't really make sense, but it makes all the sense Yeah, it's everything and nothing all at once. It makes no sense, but it makes sense It is you know what I mean the money sense and it isn't Together it's so and it's OS. Oh, we are retard Next question is from Leo Leo ask Why is Marty so good at saying wholesome? I know it's from the early podcast days, but please say five times wholesome in a row for me wholesome wholesome Wholesome wholesome wholesome. Yeah, you do. It's the German shit. Yeah, he's got this wholesome wholesome wholesome he's very back of the throaty Which is where my native tongue comes into play and I'm able to construct the sound correctly What's the new laugh you came up with today? Oh, how do you do that? Oh something's funny. You go higher Oh Next question is from Addison Leet 49 Are you okay? Oh Look my blood pressure is a bit high and I'm a bit worried about that and I'm worried about me fighting into the recorder I'm worried about what that'll do But other than that I'm alright. Yeah, you you have not farted. Yeah, it's I swear I'm not doing this on purpose. I literally just have stopped I think it's cuz I cut out meat because of the blood pressure things and now I'm just fucking There's zero gas right now. It's been so boring for me. Yeah Next question is from Susan Pepper. I had to google this before I ask the question Just so I know what I was talking about was Marty conceived in the Kit Kat Club in Berlin What's the Kit Kat Club? The Kit Kat Club is a notorious fetish club It's opened by an Austrian pornographic filmmaker, and it's all about SNM and things like that I'm guessing there's more involved, but it sounds fun from memory. I think I was conceived at a At a graveyard just shortly after a funeral Oh Dad fucks your mom after they buried some fuck up. No, it was um artificial insemination What like a needle? Mm-hmm What was it something to do with the body that died? No, it's just a stranger Just stabbed mom into the arm with some semen when you went through the vein. Yeah. Yep. I went through the veins. I Remember it's fucked up, man. This is one. It's just me. Usually there's like lots of sperm It's just one Did you take your time? No, man, I had to fight through the kidneys man like that kidney was like fucking And I was like fucking ducking the count tee tee tee tee and then straight down over reason just fucking rip the count over Oh Next question is from Sam podcast for the question You guys seem pretty gay. What percent of gay are you guys? Well, I think I think that we are we're We are so straight that we are able to joke openly joke about gay shit because it's funny to us I reckon with Loki. There's no secret there that we were together. Yeah, Michael and Loki have fucked hard I walked in and he was had had his hands on Loki's ears and Pulling his head back and was pumping blood from behind And I just remember the sound of the slapping of Michael's hips against Loki's bear ass And but we've sort of pie ways Yeah, I won't go into that, but I've got a new crush and it's no secret Julian yeah When you see him on his sweet side and like, you know, he's nice like I see the way he treats his girlfriend and I just want to be her Yeah, because he's so sweet. Oh, he's got a hairless Really crossing some sexual harassment boundaries at the workplace, but I've started like setting Like my my alarm at like 4 a.m. And just texting him saying hey, dude come over But yeah, Julian's I've got my eyes on him. I've got my eye on you Yeah, oh dude remember that we told the story of like an old friend that we're meeting up with sort of networking with for the first time at the casino and He was coming with his girlfriend so He oh, yeah, he went down to go get his girlfriend. We were up in the room. So me and Marty like dude Let's get completely naked like midday Pretend that we're fucking He opens the door with his girlfriend I just sees us them as soon as you open the door is just a bed there and it looked like Fucking like we were fully naked like he's dick was hitting my But it was he was here because we were committing to the fucking joke and it looked like we were proper fucking Oh my god, shut the door didn't come back in for so long joking And he actually thought we were like fully real because it was so it looked so real and then his girlfriend really didn't say much Then we fucking walked around the streets yelling out that he's a terrorist He's on the phone in the middle of the Kav Avenue, and I'm just pissing myself through my pants I'm literally urinating just yelling at him pointing saying he's a terrorist Everyone's looking at him as I'm pissing It's a lot to take in someone who doesn't know what Next question is from the crazy fool. What the fuck is tocker tocker is a It's a combination of tennis Soccer and volleyball I guess So you lad to sport we invented three bounces on your side of the court You're allowed one touch per person and then or you it's like volleyball You got a touch and another player's got a touch Then you can touch and then you got to kick it over on the fallen house of land within the lines of a tennis court And it can't bounce twice can't use your hands Yeah, so you can use you know just your soccer thing your head your chest your knee your foot for your foot And um, yeah, it's turned into like a fucking James has used his bum before. Oh, wow Yeah, we're obsessed with it. Holy shit We got to start live stream streaming them or something. Yeah, we should Michael and I've stopped playing tennis again If you follow us on Instagram because we're gonna start literally live streaming our matches like set up a good camera view So you can see the whole talker. No, no tennis me my me vs. Marty because fuck. It's fun Yeah, we forgot how fun tennis was. Yeah, you know, we did it for fucking like 15 years That has been questions about you guys playing tennis against each other. Yeah, and like yeah It's just it's sort of like it's cardio, but fun cardio because you the more the better you are a sport the more fun It is. Yeah, really really good at all. Yeah. Oh, we will we will be we'll start it again. Yeah Two more questions left next one is from brief earth Who is someone you ringworms really want to collaborate with? The racquet boys would be fun and they come in bloody When Jackson Can't gets back. They're coming to Brizzy. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, good So hopefully we can fucking catch up with them finally, you know We've spoken on a little bit here and there on social media, but yeah It would be fun to fucking go because that makes them fucking cool shit. Don't know. Yeah, dude We imagine an epic fight with them. Yeah, like a real life or just some fucking epic scat porn Yeah, dude next question is from Sean able and this is the last one of the day Would you rather watch your mother and father make love every night for the rest of your lives or join in once I probably just Just fucking God it'd be a lot of your life's ruined if you have to go there every night and watch that Do you like I'd rather just join in and then never talk to him again. What you would with your fucking mom Oh, oh fucking easy one for this one Oh, bloody smoking hot mama and you've always sort of wanted to fuck her a bit My poor mom he doesn't mean it I Do I don't know that's a tough one. You think you just become normal you come over to know that fucking All right, hurry up on dinner. Yeah, if they would still be still together. It would be totally fine They'd be like, oh cool like there's something to aspire to in a relationship Yeah Guys keep those fucking questions coming in and if you want to hear the cool questions Make sure you vote by liking the fucking questions that you want us to answer in the fucking comment section come now It's time for and Our hunt objective has changed We want to get on the today show, which is Australia's like top morning show, right? And so we speak to Carl occasionally on fucking social media Well, like a few messages here and there not really much And you know, I message him every now and then just because it's funny I just like messaging Carl and he sees the messages now do and so anyway We're gonna try and get on the today show. So our tactic is this to begin with all right So I've messaged Carl messaged him early today. He hasn't seen it yet. I said Carl What do we have to do to get on the today show with you? We love you and we'll do anything to get on give us a goal no matter how impossible and I said that because I know That all of us ringworms if he gives us something fucking crazy to do I reckon we can do it We can work as a team now if that doesn't work because he hasn't really been replying that much I'm also going to start messaging his co-host who has a smaller following on social media So hopefully our messages stand out a bit more and also I'm gonna just start messaging the today show and Start sending them some of the shit that we've done and just see if it's newsworthy and You know, we if that no that works. We're gonna have to really do something fucking extreme worst case scenario We kill him. We start a show called the yesterday show. Oh Yeah, or tomorrow the tomorrow show That's worst case and always all by the way in five minutes. We find out if we have ever encountered time travel in our life Oh Matt's distracted. He's lost. I was googling what the number one morning show is it? Is it the today show? Maybe what was it sunrise? I think it's sunrise No one likes what that but I think it changes all the time Carl Stephanovic's mate way better than fucking cost you. Yeah, so that's the plan all right the plan is to get on the today show and So well if Carl doesn't reply yet, then I'll do all those other things and we'll fucking keep you posted And who knows we if they don't start replying We're gonna need you guys again to fucking start hammering some comments so that they notice us We ain't backing down from this one. We're going to get on that today show. All right. We'll die trying Even if we like have to just go there You know how people getting in the background dude will fucking go there with a gun They'll let us on Yeah, well, yeah, that's plan D But another one could be we don't have to be like on on the today show We could just be like in the background. You know, I'm talking about yeah Yeah, you can they're like talking and there's all the people outside outside. Yeah We can do that. We could yeah, so there's heaps of options. Yeah, so that is the hunt for this week Also, we don't have a PO box to open this week, which is which was pretty Yeah, what the hell so if I can send us some shit guys because we want to open it live for you, all right It's a great opportunity. All right, we can open fucking Bag of piss you could send us a bag of piss Like a dead animal or something not one that you've killed. It's like road. I love to get some imagining getting road kill You could send us like a little bucket of worms if you have like your own makeup line You could send us makeup and we'll eat it period blood. Oh Fuck Real chunky ball man about that. Hey, I don't know about that one man. Yeah, you struggle with the old blood Don't you know blue? What else maybe an ear? Yeah, if you want a human ear cut an ear off a little bit Pinkie sneak a little ear lobe off there and be fine like that. Yeah, no, it's great. It's great to see oh Oh All right. Yeah, well, there you have it. So I'm boxing this week But we do have a brand new motherfucking segment, right? The paranormal segment sort of busted last week. We probably I went through some DMs. There was some fucking pretty good ones So I think we just luckily just picked a few shit ones But so we might bring that one back But we were inundated with DMs for this worst crimes that our followers have done So we thought fuck it We'll just try this one and see what you guys think if you like this segment more than the paranormal one Comment crime segment and then we'll keep this segment coming. All right. There's some fucking rip snortlers I had no idea how many fucking criminals followed us Matt Roger. There's a lot All right, I'm just gonna go through these are all anonymous by the way Yeah, we will never tell a soul. I promise Me and my mate one set fire to a toilet at a golf course and then the next weekend We went back and set the bush trees and golf course on fire Jesus Christ, that's like ballsy. You think if you got away with a guy go back for number two Yeah, it's actually gold. It's like they sound like arsonists or something. You know, there's more There's more arsonists in this list All right, I did two years and two months for seven kilos of weed. So that's a lot of love to see that Yeah, I'd love to see what that looks like But and rolling it two years bath tub. It's a fucking plant. Yeah, I know fuck you and it's gonna all that'll change eventually God like it's just two Seven kilos and you get two years in two months. Even two months is too much for seven kilos Matt. Oh, I didn't smoke We fuck you Fucking pig All right Crime was I bashed my old man and kidnapped him nearly drove him off a cliff Possibly lie. I drunkenly tried to break into a hospital ward after a Christmas party because I wanted to go to bed Figured hospitals have beds. So made sense to me at the time ended up getting charged with trespassing drunk disorderly and public That's pretty good. I like that. Let's go to sleep in the hospital. Yeah, have you ever woke up in the wrong place? We work in the playground ones. Oh, yeah, the kids playing around first about that last week first time we ever did pills Yeah, Jesus that fucked us. I stole all the women in my family's jury and sold it for cash That's fucked up. Yeah, that's fucking what the fuck man. Imagine stealing your mom's fucking wedding ring Can't yeah, he said the definition of fucked and for some reason PS Matthew Brown, etc. I like that's that's what he said I'm not even maybe knows you and you guys like fucking sold it together. It was how she Tutu, I used my job at Costco to push drugs I made an extra $200 a week on speed and weed back in 2018 I would like to remain in on this fucking speed speed is not really around anymore. I would be like well It's pretty much his meth Yeah, it's a bit different. Sorry Speed back in the day fucking out. That was everywhere Anyway, all right, I seen a guy get beaten within an inch of his life Coma for a month paralyzed for life over a pack of two-minute noodles, which was 90 cents Might be a lie seen a bloke Chew a razor blade in prison spat it out and just sat there like it was food because the screws Wouldn't give him his meds at the time. Oh my god. That's fucked dude I didn't raise. Oh fuck up. I can't win your fucking teeth gas. Oh, honey into the gun for four four four four. Oh Man, maybe we should do it for a video No, all right Okay, next one is started a bushfire many years ago shut down the Logan motorway Bush fires is fucked fuck you ever did that pissed in a cop cars exhaust pipe Then it burst it out when they started. Oh, that's good Little clap there. It's beautiful. Had a sick cunt police chase and got away from them But once I got home, they were waiting for me because they can track your license I got arrested for break breaking into due to going back to the wrong house drunk after a Barney with my wife Thinking she had locked me out. I smashed the window and let myself in first I knew about it was when I sobered up on the police cell floor and the officer informed me of what I've done Oh my god, imagine getting that fucked up. You don't know it's your house or not Man, there have been times like back in the early 20s where we would get black out drunk and wake up And they'd be like just all sorts of random shit in Henry's bedroom but man You just you just can't remember we could have killed someone and we just wouldn't remember. Yeah Fuck I cut two of my mate's fingers off with an angle grinder on purpose Then I dropped the angle grinder and chopped his big toe. I Was it was because he was an asshole and I went to Don Dale juvenile prison in Darwin for 10 months That's like you gotta get your fucking head checked a bit if you're getting that angry at someone to do that Yeah, what the fuck but thank you for the story. I Stole 26 cars when I was 16 26 cars fucked. That's like Julian's friends. All right two more and don't you have some Matt. Do you have any good ones? Um, I only have one good one Hang on a second On a late night out in Fortitude Valley, which is in Brisbane I picked up an older lady went back to house and slept with her in the more in the early morning And the more early morning hours I wanted to leave so I stole her car to get home. I never saw her again What he just kept the car. Yeah, he stole a car to get home Wow Maybe like so, but I'm just left the car somewhere. Yeah, is there any more? That's it. It was quite short We got one more here because this one's so fucked up But thank you for this story When I was 21 I went on a cruise to Mexico there I met a pair of twins both 18 since they couldn't buy alcohol They quickly became friends with me since I was buying it for them all day and night after playing golf with the twins I became Dangerously horny after seeing one of the twins pussy lips outline in her type of Keeney Later that night as my horny is the horniness became more and more violent. I came up with the plan. I Have problems sleeping and I'll have to take prescription sleeping pills being young and not knowing the laws of rape on International waters. I put 12 to 15 Sleeping pills in the bottles of beer giving it to one of the twins once it stopped foaming from the pills Dissolving I put the cap back on it and gave it to them to one of the twins She fell asleep. I turned out the light and then I ate her out for hours I then went to wash up and notice lots and lots of blood on my face The pussy lips that I'd seen earlier that day was actually a period pad Messed up guy These are all gone on the police by the way Oh man, there's fucking more to a like Anyway, we need a rapid there Keep sending them through the minutes. We'll keep ringworming them. Yeah, if you like this segment Let us know on the call means or our brah or odds fucking Prank all time count Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, shit. We still have the German segment. Oh, yes Oh It's the German segment or a very casually and calmly read out common German phrases as if I'm speaking to a fellow German in a casual calm setting at home Like there you go. I wish she had berries Okay, here we go Oh Which means today I today I have muscle Tom cat which means today I've got sore muscle ache Fuck me. That's a lot of effort to tell someone you got sore muscles. Yes Oh What's the first part of it it sounds like your neck's gone Harbi ish today I have That's the most pain the worst part of it for me was the beginning. What do you mean the worst part? It's just it threw me off. It annoyed me. I'm being honest There you go beautiful language Very passionate language a lot of intense sounds to get the point across to the stand Yeah, I guess Den Teufel wird es tun Den Teufel wird es tun That's like demonic You sound like you're possessed which means the devil will I do Which translates into I will be damned if I will I'll be damned if I you know what I mean Yeah, yeah, yeah didn't title about this tool that one was sort of cool title means devil. That's pretty cool Yeah, that's sexy. I can roll man. Oh my god. That's heavy metal. It's actually sexy fucking god Like I'm coming right now. Yeah Studies it. Yeah, I have to like say it in my mind first Oh Hearing that makes you want to fucking it gives you a headache. It's actually a compliment. That's not Which means you lucky mushroom, which means lucky one. Oh, well lucky mushrooms. That's pretty cute Oh, I want to start saying lucky mushroom to people. Oh, you just learned that that beautiful sound and then you can And shower it's upon those that you love. Wow, isn't that right? I'm gonna start saying that at work. Yeah No, that's not right Fucking mays well be when someone says something along that does it sound like they're just mumbling? Yeah, it just sounds like jibberish. It sounds like just fucking some fuckwit Try to talk or some shit offensive Come on All right now it is time for the prank Have you had no farts built up in the last none? I see I don't want done one all day I promise you know I did a shit and I'm constantly like I had corn in it Yeah, I have not seen him far. Yeah, I did a shit on a on a pole today. We'll film me on a handrail bridge Really worried about you. It was like the corn was completely whole there and it had broken away from the poo You could eat the corn again. I was tempted because no one's done that before but then I was like fuck I probably get sick and baby food It was it's just like you come off the cob. I gotta chew my food more Matt. That's the lesson here All right, this is Arnold fine calling a pet cleaning service to see if you can get his pigs cleaned I Hello, Riley my name I'm Arnold. I call to see you clean animal. Yes Yeah, so I have a fewer pig I have a six seven large peak and I look to clean Them I that there's not a place to clean here. So I think can I perhaps bring my pig in for clean? grooming here What if we do have one of the one of my pig look a lot like a dog similar size and Quite hair pink hair on it look very similar. What if I bring that pig? No, unfortunately not. We only do yeah only dog. Oh, why? Just because we have got dogs inside the salon so we can't have any other animals inside there What if the other dog a tie right that other dog tie you tie the other dog and I bring the pig in on harness and I I'll hold him and everything make it fairly easy. I do not have the cleaning I do not have the cleaning tool here. You see I do not have it at all I need to have pig clean you clean dog dog pig Same thing There is Can I speak a supervisor I come on now Riley you put me on supervisor I want to give you business. I want to give you money, but you not to clean my peak Where policy see where policy say no P clean I say I not see policy nor P clean Yes, Riley put me through manager. Yes Speaking hello Kim my name Arnold. I I speak to Stuff she very rude. She say something about you know clean my animal And I would like to speak to somebody who maybe Can can clean my animals for me. What breed of animal do you have I have a pig I have a six pig, but I only want Maybe the two big one cleaner one hundred kilo the other one bit smaller, but the hundred kilo pig Very important. I clean my wife is sick. She cannot do it. She's sick and bad So I need to pick cleaned by tomorrow for sale to butcher Yeah, I'm unfortunate and we wouldn't even have the facility in our grooming salon to I see a dog I see dog big dog Okay, okay, not a hundred kilo that I have a 30 kilo peak a little hairline one I bring in similar size to dog I could maybe bring that in a harness and I know I know I know clean I know I don't I don't know the clean I know I don't to do that and that that I pay I happy to pay money We can't help you. I happy to pay money. You listen here. I bring my peak I I bring my peak. Okay, you'll see you see the size you see the shape of it Flicking around at the front and I see if you like to clean it. I pay top price I pay double if you like I just need clean by tomorrow afternoon. You write that down tomorrow afternoon I need clean write that down Pick a dog a salmon team speak a dog of the salmon team The same as a dog does not know a dog does not know what a pig is a dog does think oh There's a pink dog Another pink dog there Yeah, and a certain pig bridge to a hunter dog. It's the same team in my country No, I know you listen here. Okay, I come in you write this down. Okay, I come in with peak I only bring the smaller one first See I come in with the harness and I will pay top price you clean first thing morning You write that down first thing tomorrow morning. I bring my peak my fresh peak Unfortunately, you will be wasting your trip here. I'm you listen here I've been getting my pig clean for five years Five years a dog We just moved to Blaisburg down in Sydney the dog washer always clean the pig no problem are the dogs there They don't even look they don't even look over. They just smell smell it a bit that all the dog Don't mind if a dog a bite a dog a bite. It should not be getting a clean Yeah, no, well, there aren't many other grooming salon sir So I can recommend a couple for you So rule you Riley and you saw rule to me I cannot believe I have a hundred dollar a hundred dollar cash I gave you to clean my pig attack Maybe a 10 to 15 minute just a shampoo a little scrub And to clean the pig for a hundred dollar. It's a very important. I have professional clean my wife is sick My wife is sick Okay, well you were making me false in my hand I bring on my peak on my And See tomorrow morning. I'll be there maybe a 9 30 10 you write that down 9 30 10 and you clean your peak if You will see the size and the shape of the peak see it flicking around you'll see if you like it, huh? Okay, but bring him down we bring him down we see okay bring the peak tomorrow. I see in the morning, okay? Okay, we'll see you tomorrow That was so fucked when you compare the dog in a pig is the same There were certain words you said then with that was some shit really truly disgusting But like incredible. Oh my god. I'm fine is back and he is fine Oh All right, that was the prank call this week stay true or do yourself and don't ever be rude to anyone man It's a good thing to be nice in this world's crazy times out there stay safe and be strong and just remember that we were the best Peaks no farts