 The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Psy Hard, and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Nash, with Alan Reed as the squadron. You know friends, Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country. And the Wrigley people feel that life with Luigi is a typically American radio program. A friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So the makers of Wrigley's Spearman Gum are glad to bring you life with Luigi each week and have you join them in this pleasant half-hours entertainment. And now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes about his adventures in America to his mama Vasco in Italy. Mamma mia. Hamma got a big interesting letter to write you today. So pull up your rock in the chair, call in Uncle Pietro, and I'll let his a goat to listen to. First of all, inside this letter, I'm sending you a picture that a Pasqualee is a took over me. Hamma moved a little when a Pasqualee is a snap to the picture, so don't get scared because I've got three heads. That little box you see in my hands is a cofferdrop, sir. And don't worry, Mamma mia, I'm not that sick. Hamma just got a little tickling in my throat, and these are cofferdrops that they supposed to get rid of in my tickle. So far I've made up of six box of cofferdrops, and the only thing I'm gonna get rid of is a 35 cents. Last night I was trying another kind of coffedrop, and assured enough that they worked. Wasn't no more a tickle, just a cough. And what I'm writing about now is how I was wondering what to do about it as a cough. I was a get up from bed one morning, I put out on my radio, and I'm a hear a voice that's a make-me-listener. Yes, I'm about it, but how do you know? And you've been trying everything without success? I'm an answer till you tell me how you know. Last few nights? Mamma mia, he must have a television set, he's gonna see what I'm doing. All right, I'm a ticket. How do you send me a good coffee syrup? Huh, I'm a feel better just to say it. No, Mr. Dragist, I'm ahead. Where's something wrong, sir? Are you hurt? No, a happy howl is telling me to run ahead. Happy howl? He now fell on the radio, who's another talker without a laughin', he said I should have run to you and buy a special coffee syrup. Oh, well, what syrup did he recommend? Pseudo coffee syrup. He's a sassadist of faction of guaranteed or ha-ha-ha W money back. Mamma like to buy a bottle. Well, Pseudo coffee syrup, I don't think I have it, sir. Don't you think you'd rather try some of the new anti-histamine pills or perhaps some Benzoparahaldemodine pills? What do you call it, other pills? Benzoparahaldemodine. No, thanks. There's too much of it to swallow. Mamma like to work the happy howl is an advertiser. Pseudo. Well, I've got over 50 coffee remedies and they're all good. And for they all are good, the way you need a 50. You see, some are for before you get a cold, some are for while you have a cold, and some are for after you've had a cold. Tell me, if for none of these are work, you got a something for pneumonia? Well, you see, how about trying our best-seller, Mother Hogan's Cherry Remedy? Mother Hogan is to make a cherry remedy? Yes. What's a father Hogan to make? Oh, nothing. Well, at this time, I don't like it. Father Hogan is to stay home and to do nothing, and Mother Hogan is to go out to work. Now, now, now, please, Mother Hogan is just a trade name. Oh, that's her name before she's a married. All I can tell you is it's an excellent remedy. How you know? Mother Hogan is to try it out on her family? Sure, I... Mr. Mother Hogan, as if she got a diss, satisfaction a guaranteed, or a ha-ha-ha-ha-W money back? Well, no, but... Sorry, sorry. I'm want to soothe the coffee syrup. Just like a happy hall is a thought of me. What's the use of having a radio if I'm not going to buy what it's a thought of me? Well, in that case... Oh, wait a minute. Why, here's a bottle back here behind the cherry remedy right here. Uh-huh. I know that a Mother Hogan is not the nice. She's a try to hide the happy hall as a pseudo. Well, all right, I take it. Very well, sir. That will be 35 cents. Here you are. Yes. Shall I wrap it up? No, I'm a drinker here. No, no, no. You should take one teaspoon before each meal and one teaspoon before you go to bed. What's to happen if I'm eating my meals out? Well, just drop into the nearest restaurant and take a teaspoon. Oh, not gonna do it. I'm gonna take a teaspoon that's no belonging to me. Oh. I... I meant of the medicine. Oh. Well, how am I gonna take this pseudo syrup? Plain or with a water? Just drink it plain and remember to shake before using. What? That's what it says on the bottle, right on the label. Shake well before using. Well, I'm gonna start it to the wiggle now. By the time Mama get a home, Mama be all shaking up. Mama's here this morning already. Coffee's not allowed to me sleep. I'm not allowed to coffee sleep. Between the two of us, we're up all night. I'm gonna take some more soothing. First time, I'm gonna give myself a shake. If it's an old-school coffee setup, Mama take us a just a plain of peppermint oil. Hello, Pascuali. Hey, you coffee sounds worse. Let me hear you say whoop. Whoop. That's what I told you. You got the whoop in the car. What are you doing for it? I'm taking this pseudo coffee syrup. Pseudo coffee syrup? Where you get this junk? Mama heard the happy howl on the radio. He's a certain down-of-the-drug story to buy. What a stupid boob. You suppose if he says to run you near as the Chinese laundry, you'll run too, huh? Oh, no, Pascuali. I'm glad you got some sense. If I'm gonna cough, what could a Chinese laundry do? Oh, what a maroon. Please, Pascuali. Pascuali don't know how to run to me. To tell the truth, I was a feeling kind of proud when I ran to the drugstore. I was a feeling like a real American when I bought something to advertise on the radio. Luigi, that's a talk for the buddies. You feel like a real American to buy something on the radio. But now that it's a donor work, what do you feel like, a Canadian? No, Pascuali. I'm a feeler just as American. And to prove you how wrong you are, I'm gonna get to my money back. Your money back? Sure. On the radio, happy how does it say? Satisfaction guaranteed. Or a ha-ha-ha double your money back. Luigi, I'm gonna thank you when you was a baby, you ha-ha-ha fell on your head. Luigi, you're lucky you got me to explain to you. Otherwise, you wouldn't know what ignorance is. What do you hear on the radio or read on the bottle? That's what they call in advertising a slogum. A slogum? That's a ripen. That's a meal or something you say that you don't have to prove. Now, for instance, out of my menu, it's a pizza like a mama used to make. You think I'm gonna give somebody a both right Italy show how my mama's used to make a pizza? I'm gonna prove you you're wrong. I'm gonna pay the 35 cents for a sudo. I'm gonna get to double my money back. If they promise that they're gonna keep it. Look who's telling me about a bigger business. All right, Luigi, go, go to the company. Get your money back. Come on, we're gonna write the note, Pascuali. And take along a suitcase that the company is in Albuquerque, New Mexico. In New Mexico? That's right, you're dealing with foreigners. Pascuali, I'm alone in my night school. New Mexico is a belonging to the union. Oh, yeah? AFVL or CIO? I'm talking about the United States. Pascuali, what am I gonna do? New Mexico is a thousand miles away from here. Just like I'm a thaw. They forgot a little catch. They don't supply a hundred dollar car fare so you can get a back of your money. Luigi, who's arrived? Pascuali, I know you're wrong. They keep their promise. Oh, sure, they keep their promise. So why is it you hear every week on the radio? Soul American. You know, that's crazy. Nobody's got enough money to buy America. Well, Pascuali, I'm gone and I don't know how to stop you. All right, go, go. But first, let me warn you. Sooner your tickle is gonna change to a hack and a cough. And that's the way the company's gonna get even with you for bothering them. They're gonna get you in a legal trouble. Me and a leg of the trouble? Because I'm a gotta hack in the cough? What the law am I breaking? Running around the streets without a hack a license! Ha ha ha! Turned to life with Luigi, here's a suggestion that has proved helpful and enjoyable to millions of people. Whether you're working or shopping or driving your car, keep a package or two of delicious Wrigley's Spearman chewing gum hand-aid. Whenever your mouth feels dry or your taste needs freshening, chew a stick of Wrigley's Spearman and see what a difference it makes. The cooling real mint flavor freshens your taste and sweetens your breath. And the pleasant chewing helps relieve that feeling of dryness in your mouth and throat. Gives you a refreshing little lift. So get a few packages of healthful, delicious Wrigley's Spearman chewing gum tomorrow morning. Keep some handy in your purse or pocket so that you can enjoy a stick whenever you want. And now let's turn to page two of Luigi Basco's letter to his mother in Italy. Hannah, so I'm in here just because I'm gonna try to get rid of a tickling in my throat. Pasquale says I'm insulting a bigger business. I'm gonna go to jail. I'm gonna benefit to Arnold. I'm wanted to be the man without a cold. So now I'm gonna wind up with a man without a country. But I was a laugh at a Pasquale, and a little while later I was in my night school at class. That's all I chose going on. Everything's gonna be fine. All right class, quiet please, please. Now I'll call the roll. Mr. Basco. Here. Mr. Harwood. Here. Mr. Olsen. Here. Mr. Schultz. Bingo. Bingo. I'm sorry, I hollered first. I get surprised. Mr. Schultz, you're supposed to say here, why do you shout bingo? Because when you call on me, you always hit the jackpot. Oh, thank you, fellow boobers. You know, it's not everywhere I can find an audience for such whimsy. All right, Mr. Schultz. Now class, today we are taking up some of the more common errors made in grammar. And one of the commonest perhaps is the split infinitive. And Mr. Horowitz, will you tell us what a split infinitive is? With pleasure. What's the question? What is a split infinitive? Oh, I don't know. Mr. Schultz? I don't know. Mr. Schultz? I ain't talking till I see my lawyer. I would be very happy to supply you with the correct answers. Oh, what a show-off! Mr. Schultz, please. Thank you, Mr. Olsen. I know you know the answer, but I'd like to get it from some of the others. Mr. Schultz, will you try to give us an example? An example? Yes. Two times a 35 is a 70. Oh, no, no, no. Mr. Schultz? Kill me, I agree with Luigi. Two times 35 is 70. Good heavens. Mr. Basker, how could you ever think of two times 35 is 70? I'm going to think of it a happy hal, as he said. Happy hal? Yeah. Here's a satisfaction, a guarantee, or ha ha ha, a double you money factor. The same as spreading, I'm a bike officer. Oh, now I see it. Well, Mr. Basker, hold it for later, please. Mr. Olsen, would you please come to the rescue with an example of a split-infinity? It will be a yoy. A split-infinity. John wanted to quickly jump over the fence. That's very good. Now, Mr. Horowitz, in this sentence, a young... John wanted to quickly jump over the fence. What is split? John's fence. No, no, no. Uh, Mr. Schultz, how would you fix the split-infinity in that sentence? A little needle on thread, maybe. Oh, this is ridiculous. Uh, Mr. Basker. Well, if nothing is a help with the plan, Summer would ask her for a double of my money back. Oh, really? Mr. Basker, what is this about double your money back? That's what I'm trying to tell you, Miss Boling. I'm a buy some a pseudo coffee syrup, but it's an pseudo my coffee. So I was a thinker to ask for a double of my money back, like they say. But now I'm worried. Luigi, you've got nothing to worry about. You'll get your money back. Oh, of course, you will. Who made the guarantee? Happy a hell on a radio. I want so much you to get my money back. And a show Pasquale America is a gift, it's a promise. But Mr. Basker, it's important not to confuse the issue. America didn't make the promise. It's just one cough medicine manufacturer. But if the radio is advertising him, then he must be a good American. Ah, Luigi, if every American believed in his radio like you did, television would have to commit suicide. What do you mean? You mean it's all a fake about double of my money back? Mr. Schulte, I think you're giving Mr. Basker the wrong impression, and let's not stop him from proving what he wants to. Thank you, Miss Boling. You sure, Luigi? Go to happy a hell. Go to the radio. And if that don't work, go to the company. What can they do to you? Can they make you cough your brains out to prove you are wrong? Can they axer you till you are looking out from the inside? Can they put you in jail for false accusation? Schulte, can they? I don't know, Luigi. That's why I'm asking you. I'm finishing this broadcast right now. You can wait outside the broadcast booth. Right over there. Thank you, Mr. Destructionist. Oh, so long, friends of X2OV. Remember, for recorded ramblings laughs, it's Happy Hal at the bottom of the dial. Hello, Mr. Happy Hal. He's a very funny fellow. I like the way you always laugh. All right. What is it, Jack? Here's a place in Amazon that Jack is a Luigi. Look, Buster, I don't care if it's Pedro Armandárez. What do you want? Uh, and do you Happy Hal? Sure. Well, why and do you Happy? Because I gotta be up at six in the morning to read them commercials. Because what I'm doing, the laugh and hyene a bit, everybody's doing a sleep bit. Who are you, mister? I'm Luigi Baskoff, fellow who's listening to your program. You recognize me? I knew I had one listener, but this is fantastic. Look, smiling Jack, I got eight hours more broadcasting to do. You're talking to the poor man's Arthur Godfrey. Now, what do you want? Well, as long as you ask me right away, I'ma tell you. I'ma brought it back to this bottle of a pseudo coffee syrup. Now, give me my 70 cents. You want, I should give you 70 cents? Why? Because if you say so, there's a fraction of guaranteed. Double your money back. Pardon me while I go out of my mind. Look, laughing boy, I don't personally make good on the manufacturer's promises. But you advertise as a coffee syrup. I also advertise hot water bags, but I don't guarantee you'll have hot water. That makes me laugh. Look, sonny Jim, why don't you just take this back to the drugist where you bought it? Oh, no, he's an advertiser, Mother Hogan. Mother Hogan? Please, I'ma tell everybody I'ma got a great conference in American business. And they're giving me back my money. Well, now listen, sad sack, I've got it. Take it down to the Sudo sales office and let them handle it. Sudo sales office, huh? Yeah, they're in the guarantee building at Maple and Grove. That's fine, that's wonderful. They guarantee you're building. Yeah, now what's so wonderful now? What do you say is they guarantee you're building? Yeah. I think how wonderful is in America, even a building is a gotta guarantee. Sudo call-up. Mr. Prandice, I'm sorry, he can't be disturbed. He's in a very important board meeting. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Jones, but this meeting is very important. We expect Mr. Guccio from New Mexico, and they're all there. Sudo call-up. Please, Miss Guccio. I'm not Miss Guccio. I wish I were. Mr. Guccio owns the company. Now be patient. But I'ma want to speak to somebody from the Guccio coffee shop. I'm in a Sudo. I'ma sit in here two hours away with a little bottle. People look at me like I'm a crazy. But what's the bottle in your pocket? I can't. I'ma left at the top, home. Well, why don't you drink it? What the fuck? It's a made-of-my-coff worse. Oh, all right, all right. Hello, Mr. Trim, could you see someone right now? I'm busy. Switch him to Johnson. Well, Mr. Johnson's home sick, Sarah. He's got a bad cold. All the others are in the board meeting. All right, send him in. All right, you go right in there. That's Mr. Trim's office. He'll take care of you. Thank you very much, you Mr. Telephony. Maybe Pascuali's right. Maybe I'ma sure to go back right now. No, most important thing is the people who should keep their promise, even if it's a man or a company. I believe you're looking for me. What can I do for you? Please, I'ma not like to make a trouble. But here's the back of your bottle. Give me double the money back. What? I'ma give the drugers a 35 cents. I'ma remember like I'ma standing here. It was a quarter, a nickel, and a five pennies. Why, I... This is a practical joke, isn't it? I'ma don't care what you call it as long as I'ma get to my money. Here's your bottle. Not just a minute. I don't want that messy bottle. You keep it. Oh, no, it's the order. You keep it. And I'ma demand that my rights are like you say. Satisfaction a guaranteed or a... double the money back. Oh, just a minute. Hello, Miss Flam. Don't I have enough things to do without you adding to my misery? I've got nothing to do with refunds. I don't care if there's no such department. Make one. Well, get Mr. Hollow. All right, switch me to him. Mr. Hollow? There's a man here who wants to double his money back. No, I'm not laughing at anything, sir. I'm sorry. That's right. Money back. No, he won't. No, he won't. Give me my money, and I will. What? Send him up to the board meeting? All right, sir. Do you realize who that was? Ralph Hollow, the vice president. And he said to send you up to the board meeting. Oh, good. I'ma go. For your information, Sutho Kovsterip is a giant corporation. We have assets of over five million dollars. We have a branch in ten major cities of the United States, and our guarantee is backed up by Lloyds of London. Does that mean anything to you? Sure, but I'm not going to see this fellow Lloyds in a Londoner just to get back to my 70 cents. This is a milestone in the history of Sutho Kovsterip. Our first request for money back. Double the money back. Yes, yes. Look, gentlemen, you got important business, and I'ma know what about you, but it's something I'm gonna find out. When American business make a promise, they keep it? Of course, of course. And nevertheless, now, look at our side of it. How do you know Sutho hasn't helped you? That's what I had all night. Well, now, are you allergic? No, I'm Italian. But I'ma get to my first peppers, and I'ma hope to be American citizen of very soon. I meant, Mr. Vasco, your cough may be due to some functional ailment, or you may be suffering from some hereditary malfunction that's not amenable to ordinary medication. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Sure, you ain't together my 70 cents. Mr. Vasco, we haven't... Then why don't I'ma get it? Because you haven't unqualifiedly proven the merits of your case, nor the lack of marriage in ours. Goodness knows more modern methods fail in certain circumstances. Now, take penicillin. I can't. I'ma spend all of my money on a eucalyptus. Let me finish. Penicillin is not effective in every case, nor does sulfur or streptomyosin help every person. But does that mean that scientists all over the world should rely on the word of any one man as to the efficacy of any of them? Oh, no. No. Well, I'm glad you finally understand, Mr. Vasco. Now, if you have any questions, I'll be glad to help you out. I'ma get it just to one question. Yes? Or is it that it may 70 cents? I just explained. Please, I'ma willing, and instead of a double of my money back, I shoulda get the single of my money back. 35 cents. But... All right. I'ma lost the cap on a bottle. Make it a 25 cents. Now, hello. Hello, let's settle this before Mr. Gouch gets here. Yes, but... Give me my car for 20 cents. I just noticed there are seven of us here. Let's throw a dime a piece on the table. That'll make 70 cents. That's a good idea. Here's my dime. And mine? Excuse us, gentlemen. If you don't mind, I'ma like to check for the money. Check? Yes. How much do my countrymen of Pasquale should receive proof how the American a business man is a payback at the money? Just like he's a promise. Good evening, gentlemen. I'm sorry I was delayed. How do you do, Mr. Gouch? Hello, Mr. Gouch. Now, well, just go on. I'll catch up. Yes, you, sir. I'ma know it's you, Vasco. Mr. Gouch, Mr. Vasco bought a bottle of Sootho and wants us to make good on our guarantee. Well, that's certainly no matter for the board of directors. Mr. Vasco, sorry Sootho didn't help you, but if you'll go down to the accounting department, they'll give you a check for the full amount plus tax. A check? Oh, that's so wonderful. You mean, is there going to be no trouble? Trouble? About what? Well, you see, Mr. Gouch, we were thinking of Sootho's 34-year record of... Record my eye! Sootho's sales of what we're worried about. And pleasing Mr. Vasco is all I'm interested in. Mr. Vasco, I'm glad you're here. Thanks for helping me out. And please accept this as a token of gratitude. Oh, thank you, thank you. Goodbye, gentlemen, goodbye. Well, I finally was able to prove I was all right. I'm going to get to my checker for the money. Hey, what's this? A slip of Mr. Gouch is a gimme. This certificate and titles are better to six months of supply of a Sootho coffee syrup. My mummy are back into the coffee again! And so, my mummy, everything has turned out to fine. I returned to the Sootho coffee syrup and I'm going to get my money back in. Also, I'm going to learn one very important thing about America and the business. I'm a mechanism of very big men like an Alpha-Hallow vice president and a Mr. Gouch president. But I'm a land that the biggest man of all is a Luigi Vasco customer. You'll have to send Luigi Vasco a little immigrant. The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum hope you enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi and they'd like to remind you that you can make your daily work seem easier and pleasanter by chewing a stick of Wrigley's Spearman now and then. Sinking your teeth into a smooth piece of gum helps relieve that feeling of pent-up tension. Sort of relaxes you without slowing you down. As a result, you feel better and work better. So, for refreshing taste and good, pleasant chewing, treat yourself daily to healthful, delicious Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum. Get some tomorrow morning. The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Gum invite you to listen next week at the same time when Luigi Vasco writes another letter to his mama Vasco in Italy. Life with Luigi is produced and directed by Cy Howard and is written by Mack Benhoff and Lou Durm. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Vasco with Alan Reed as Pasquale, Hans Conrad as Schultz, Maryship as Miss Baldwin, Joe Forte as Hart. Friends of Wrigley Company invite you to listen to their other program, the Gene Arthur Show, every Saturday night over most of these states. This is CBS for Columbia Broadcasting.