 R.C.A. Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Our enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Ruse and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First a word from R.C.A. Victor. Our daily papers tell you that R.C.A. always leads the way with new and startling developments, and that applies also to your gas or electric kitchen range. Just take a look at the beautiful new R.C.A. estate Space King Ranges. They're only 30 inches wide, but packed full of big range features. In Space King gas ranges, for instance, R.C.A. offers the exclusive finger lift broiler. You set the pan at five different heights simply by touching a lever. There's an electric clock, too, with a four-hour minute alarm, two appliance outlets, and those unique disposables, aluminum throwaway burner bowl inserts to catch spillovers. And all R.C.A. estate Space Kings have the super-sized 24-inch oven and double-thick insulator walls to keep your kitchen cool. See the new R.C.A. estate Space King Ranges, priced as low as $149.95. Now the stars of the R.C.A. Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Although most of us make an honest effort to lead a well-ordered life, sooner or later it seems inevitable that some of us have a brush with a law. This unwelcome contact with the forces of justice has recently occurred to Phil Harris. And to say that he's worried is a vast understatement. Now tell it to me right from the beginning, Curly. I don't quite understand it. Well, it happened just like I said. I came home this afternoon and I was just lucky that I noticed before I turned into the driveway that there was a uniformed state policeman. He was the biggest cop you ever saw on the front porch, and he was pounding on my front door with a service revolver. Gee, sounds like he meant business. Yeah, and what's more, he's been back four times since. Well, look, Curly, there's no reason for you to get all panicky and scared. I'm not panicky and scared. Besides, I like it here under the front porch. Curly, it's so uncomfortable under here. Oh, it is not. You just got to get used to it. We've got plenty to eat since I thought of having Alice lower sandwiches to us on a rope. Yeah, but it's pitch black under this front porch. You can't see a thing. And I don't like to eat in the dark like this. Oh, why not? Because the cobwebs stick to the roof of my mouth. That's peanut butter. That's what you say. In the dark, I could be eating anything. Well, you quit complaining. The food is very good. Those little stuffed olives were delicious. Curly, we didn't have no olives. We didn't? Uh-uh. Well, how do you like that? All them little leather buttons on my vest are gone. Hey, wait a minute. We didn't have any spaghetti either, did we? Why do you ask? The draw string on my shorts is missing. So is mine. You must have had a second helping. Wait! Hey, Curly, maybe it's dark outside now. Why don't we crawl over to the peephole and see if the coast is clear? Okay, okay. Start crawling. Hold it a minute. What's that? It's okay. It's okay. It's Alice knocking out another message in Morse code. Gee, can you read Morse code? Well, not very well. It's been a long time since I was a boy scout, but if she doesn't send the message too fast, I might be able to... Uh-uh. Hold it a minute. Listen. What'd she say? What'd she say? Well, um, if I deciphered it correctly, either they're having a lace panty sale at the May Company or the gardener is here with a vigorous. Or maybe they're having a lace vigorous sale and the gardener is here with the panty sale. All right. Hey, Curly, it's all dark outside now. Let's make a break for the back door. Okay. Come on. We'll make a run for it. Right. Look, Alice, you mean to tell me that that policeman was back again? He's been back three times, Phil, and the last time he seemed pretty serious. Well, didn't he say what he wanted? He said he wanted you. I know it. Elliott, are the shutters closed? Shutters closed. Blinds down? Blinds down. Drapes drawn? Drapes drawn. Front door secure? Phil, you're acting like a child. Oh, I am. Am I? Look, when them policemen come after you four times in one day, they mean business. But, Phil, you've got to be guilty of something first. What is it you've done? Well, I'm not sure. What do you mean you're not sure? Well, I might have done something I don't know nothing about. I have lapses of memory, periods when I don't remember what happened. Gee, that's serious. How often do you black out? Every time I get a hold of a spoiled ice cube. The last time it happened was on a Saturday, and I don't remember anything from ten o'clock until two in the morning. Didn't she even know where you were? No, but when I got home, I had two pounds of dates and a live camel. But one hump. Hey, Curly, let's face it. That cop wouldn't be rapping on your door unless he was after you for something. Now, come on now. See if you can think of something you've done. Well, okay. I thought I could get away with it, but now that I'm trapped on it, I may as well confess. Well, it's true. I didn't want you to know, but I've cheated the city of Beverly Hills out of thousands of dollars. Since 1942, I've been putting peppermint lifesavers in the parking meters. Curly, how could you do that? It wasn't easy. Many's the time I got a blister on my tongue before I licked them down to size. Didn't all those wet lifesavers jam up the meters? No, but the cop who makes the collections has got such sticky hands, he has to steer his motorcycle with his feet. You know something, Curly? I met that cop yesterday. He wrote me out a ticket, but he couldn't hand it to me. Well, I don't want to interrupt you on Hans Christian Anderson, but that policeman is coming up the front walk right now. Well, he'll never take me alive. I got a plan how I can escape. I'm going to cut a trap door in the living room floor. That's what I'll do. I'll cut a trap door in the floor and then I'll lure myself down into the rowboat. Then I'll row that rowboat up to Smuggler's Cove and hide. Oh, Phil, be sensible. We're in Encino. We're 15 miles from the ocean. How are you going to row a boat to Smuggler's Cove? Don't worry, I'll do it. Maybe so, but it'll be uphill all the way. Look, Curly, you can't get through. He can batter the door down, but I'll never give myself up. Curly, why don't you do the only sensible thing? What's that? Well, this is do-it-yourself week. Why don't you cut your throat? Oh, it's a pretty thing. I'm on my way to prison and he's making jokes yet. Look, Elliott, let me... Phil, Phil, you've got to face this thing sooner or later. I'm going to let that officer in. Alice, no, Alice! Alice, wait! Wait! Good evening, ma'am. Sorry to bother you again. But I am still looking for Mr. Harris. Has he come home yet? Yes. Officer, this is my husband right here. Are you Mr. Philip Harris? Yes, sir. I mean, yes, sir. Excuse me, I've been taking Jeanette McDonald pills. Mr. Harris, we've come to... He didn't do it, officer. He didn't do it. I did it. I don't know why I did it, but I did it. I'm guilty. I did it. You're guilty. You're guilty. You're guilty. Forgive me, I've been taking Kirk Douglas pills. Mr. Harris, under the Motor Vehicle Bureau Code number X1859735-J, you are guilty of not renewing your driver's license. You mean, you mean that's all the wrong... Sir, Lieutenant, your lord... Dear? Please, Mr. Harris, stop kissing my hand. You're rusting my Captain Braddock cuff links. Oh, well, I'm sorry. I hate to disagree with an officer of the law, but I think that you'll find that I already have renewed my driver's license. Here, take a look for yourself. Yes, I see. Well, Mr. Harris, do you realize how long it's been since you've renewed this? Well, it seems like just a little while ago. Really? Mr. Harris, look what's printed in the lower left-hand corner of this license. Good for covered wagons only. See, that's right, Curly. Look what it's printed on. Buffalo High. Well, if it was good enough for my grandfather, it's good enough for me. Mr. Harris, His Honor Judge Johnstone has kindly consented to give you an appointment this afternoon at 2 o'clock in room 784 at the courthouse. I do hope we have an inconvenience to you, Mr. Harris, and if we have, please accept our heartfelt, sincere and adject apologies. Good day, sir. And we mean business, you New Orleans wetback! Starn top. I hope when he gets back to the station, he finds that Jack Webb has eaten his lunch. Hey, Elliott, you know something that judge looks like a pretty tough guy? Maybe I should have got a lawyer. What are you worried about, Curly? Well, supposing that judge don't like musicians. Then I'm gonna be dead. Now, when he asked me what I'd do for a living, how can I tell him I'm nothing but a drummer? We'll use the high-class word for drummer, Curly. Tell him you're a percussionist. That's a good idea. Yeah, I'll tell him. All right, let's have some quiet here. This is the Traffic Violations Bureau, and the judge's time is limited. Put your numbers, calls, step up and answer the question quick. And I don't mean quick. Case number 46. Your name, please. Clark. Your first name? Gertrude. Occupation. Driving through a red light. $30, next case. Come on, let's get things moving here. Case 47. Name? Harris. First name? Phil. Occupation? Percussionist. Spell it. I'll go put a few more nickels in the parking lot. I have a list of your violations right here in front of me, Harris. On June the 3rd, 1947, you tore off both your offenders by driving your brand-new Austin under an oil truck. Well, John C. was such a nice polite truck driver, I thought sure he'd spread his wheels. Here's another violation. On February 8th of the same year, you endangered other driver's lives on the new freeway. You were in a 50-mile-an-hour lane, and you were only going eight miles an hour. How do you know? The testing officer said your foxtail was limp. How do you explain that? They're just not putting the material in them. Furthermore, on July 17th, 1951, you were apprehended for speeding. Oh, I don't remember speeding. Well, we do. It's clearly posted that 25 miles per hour is the speed limit in the coconut grove of the Ambassador Hotel. Curl, you were driving an automobile in the coconut grove? I couldn't see where I was going. I told them guys at the service station to put them Venetian blinds in the back window of the car. Also, you have not bothered to renew your driver's license for some years. Mr. Harris, do you realize the seriousness of your situation? You mean, Judge, he might even have to put up bail? Say, that's a good idea. Mr. Harris, are you prepared to put up $2,000 bail? Have you got $2,000? Gosh, no. Well, how about some friend? You used to work for Jack Benny. A rich man like that, I'm sure would never miss $2,000. Well, Mr. Harris, he is a rich man, isn't he? Rich? Judge, one day he drew out all of his money out of the Bank of America and it slowly sank into the ground. Still picking up survivors. No, Judge, Curly couldn't ask him for any money. Besides, Mr. Benny is saving every cent he can get. That's very commendable. But doesn't he realize that he can't take it with him? Oh, yeah. But last week Mr. Benny went over to Lockheed and bought himself a new jet straddle liner. Why? Well, he knows he can't take it with him but he's hoping he can fly high enough to throw some over the fence. In other words, Mr. Harris, the court can expect no bail from you. Well, I'm afraid not, Judge. I'm just going to have to throw myself on your mercy. Well, I'll give you a break, Mr. Harris. Here's a list of driving schools. When you bring me a diploma from one of them, I'll reconsider your case. Oh, gee, Judge. Oh, gee, thanks. I thought you were going to send me to Boys Town. Hey, look at this list, Judge Gaiden. I didn't know Los Angeles had so many driving schools. Look at this. Let me see the list, Curly. Hmm. Acme, Atwell, Adams, Abruzio, Ackerman. Abruzio. Hey, yeah. Say, you don't think that could be one of Julius Abruzio's relatives? Well, it's Dominic Abruzio's driving school. It could be. Look, if it is Julius' relation, he ought to give me a special price, huh? Yeah. Hey, let's go down to the grocery store and ask Julius. Yeah. Come on. Hi, Julius. Hello, Julius. Well, what do you two shoplifters want? No, no, Julius, look, I want you to listen to me carefully. I have a very important question to ask you. Uh-uh, Mr. Harris, no more cooking sherry on credit. Now, wait a minute, Julius. The reason I use all that cooking sherry is for a purpose. Alice uses all the empty bottles to make lamps. What, she's going to light up the car's bad cavern? Hey, Julius, you got a relative who runs a driving school? Sure. My cousin, Dominic Abruzio. Oh, yeah? Dominic, huh? Well, look, silly as this might sound, Julius. I got approved that I know how to drive a car safely. Well, why didn't you say so? My cousin Dominic is a perfect teacher. He used to be a race driver in Italy. Three years ago, he won the Italian sweepstakes. I've seen movies of it. Yeah? Yeah. You should have seen him going through Venice at 197 miles an hour. Venice, huh? Gee, all right, wait a minute, kid. How could he drive through a town where the streets are nothing but water? He kept his windshield wiper going. I'll accept that. I'm not sure if this is the type of guy I want the Tigi Campi's windshield wiper. I don't want no guy like this coming in. Let me see it. Wait a minute. This is a picture of a giant redwood tree with a big hole through the trunk. My cousin took a shortcut. Wait a minute. I didn't know they had races in South Africa. Ooh, it's a big thing. 368 miles an hour? My gosh, how does he ever stop? It's much easier. He just drives till he sees a fat elephant. This is Dominic's house. Shall we go right in? Sure, he's home. I can hear him singing. I'm Phil Harris. I guess Julius called you about me. Show some Mike. Consider right that of yourself. I just finished it up for my lunch. Excuse me, please. I'm going to wash it down with a little wine. I drink the Italian way, right from the jug. Oh, it's pretty good. I think I could have another one. The parking lot. Hell yeah. Well done. Thank you, Lasagna. Thank you too much. Now you know the most important thing, when you drive a car, pass the meat sauce. Thank you too much. You must always got to remember, it's not yourself to watch, but the other fellow who's the driver, pass the olive oil. Thank you too much. See, the other fellow, he may not be the same kind of driver like you, so you always got to be on the lookout to pass the spaghetti. Now when you step in your car, I can't understand why the spaghetti is so tough and stringy. You're eating my neck time. Thank you too much, and pass the meat sauce. Well, I said no use to waiting. My car's right outside, so follow me, we're going to get started with the driving lesson. That's in my car. Ain't she your beauty? Hey, Curly, I don't like the looks of this car. No, no, me neither. I don't. Hey, Dominic, what about this car? All the fenders are broken, and the front end is all crumpled up. Don't you worry about a thing, kid. Okay. Hey, wait a second. Is this car a Nash? No, it's an old Nash. Then why are these twin beds in the back seat? I made a little mistake yesterday, backed into a motel. Come on, come on, everybody get in. Now, before I start to drive, I think I'm going to have a little something to eat. Oh, no, Dominic, not again. Do you have to be eating all the time? I don't mind the Caesar salad in the front seat and a bucket of steamed clams, but after all, ain't you overdone it with a hot pizza for a sterren whale? Don't open a glove compartment. That's a full of soup. I've got to tell you, I'm a little near-sighted, you see. I lost my glasses, too, but don't you worry, because when I'm behind the wheel, you say, feel like you're in your mother's arms. Hey, wait a minute. You're going to drive? Just how near-sighted are you? Oh, there's nothing, nothing. Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going? We've got to start off, all right. I've got to get out and feel around for the white line. Oh, we're in great hands. Hey, hey, hey, that's a matter. What happened? Who took the sterren whale? It's gone. You're sitting in the back seat with us. You see me, I'm going to climb over. Well, here we go. Hey, Curly, we've been driving half the night with this lunatic. We're lost. He ain't got no idea where he's going, and now the fog is rolling in. Yeah, I know, I know. Hey, Paizano, look, I haven't made any squawks up until now, but it's dark and this fog is so thick that you can't see a thing. Now, look, do you know where you're going? Please, shut up, you face, please. You see that little red light up ahead of us? Well, that little red light is on the back of a truck. We just followed the little red light. These are going to be hunky-dooly. Hey, Ellie, that makes pretty good sense. That truck must be on the main highway, and I must say this is a very smooth road. Well, I don't want to worry anybody, but water and seaweed is coming in the window. Hey, Dominic, he's right. This car is underwater. Yeah, we're underwater. Hey, it's that lousy little red light, manudjafutjazool. How do you like that? For the past 14 miles that we've been following the Catalina ferry? No. Allison Phil will be back in just a moment. If you're tired of waking up to that, then it's high time you woke up to this. RCA Victor's wonderful new clock radio. It wakes you gently to music, and should you doze off again, there's a buzzer that sounds 10 minutes after the radio goes on. This RCA Victor clock radio also has a handy phono jack to plug in your record changer and a special outlet to turn any small appliance on and off automatically. Here is a true electrical servant, a powerful radio with a rich golden throat tone system and a famous telechron electric clock, all for as little as $39.95. See and hear the wide assortment of clock radios, table models and portables by RCA Victor, world leader in radio. This is Phil again. Birthdays are usually celebrated by family and friends, but this week the whole country will be singing Happy Birthday to the Girl Scouts of the USA on their 42nd birthday. Congratulations to the Girl Scouts and the volunteer workers, and don't forget to buy their cookies. Thank you and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribe were Sandra Gould, Leo Clary, Peter Leeds, Bill Johnstone and Alan Reed. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC Radio Network presentation. Listen to the coloratura discovery of a decade. That's the magnificent voice of Roberta Peters, as captured on RCA Victor new orthophonic high fidelity record. In her new album, this brilliant young metropolitan opera star sings seven dazzling arias. Ask your dealer for the new Roberta Peters album on Long Play and 45 EP by RCA Victor. And here's more exciting news for music lovers. Camden Records by RCA. $1.89 for 12-inch Long Play Records. $0.69 for 45 EPs. Priced to fit the family budget. Planned to entertain every member of your family, Camden offers you your favorite semi-classics, show tunes and popular standard favorites performed by world-famous artists. For a free listing of Camden Records, post office box 411-411 Camden, New Jersey. That's post office box 411-411 Camden, New Jersey. Here can you top this, following John Cameron Swayze and the news on the NBC Radio Network.