 1. A study of two temperaments by Edmund Goss, Der Glaube ist wie der Lieb, er lasse nicht Ersevingen. Belief is like love, it can't be forced. 2. Preface At the present hour, when fiction takes form so ingenious and so specious, it is perhaps necessary to say that the following narrative in all its parts, and so far as the punctilious attention of the writer has been able to keep it so, is scrupulously true. If it were not true in the strict sense, to publish it would be too trifle with all those who may be induced to read it. It is offered to them as a document, as a record of educational and religious conditions which, having passed away, will never return. In this respect, as the diagnosis of a dying puritanism, it is hoped that the narrative will not be altogether without significance. It offers, too, in a subsidiary sense, a study of the development of moral and intellectual ideas during the progress of infancy. These have been closely and conscientiously noted and may have some value in consequence of the unusual conditions in which they were produced. The author has observed that those who have written about the facts of their own childhood have usually delayed to note them down until age has dimmed their recollections. Perhaps an even more common fault in such autobiographies is that they are sentimental and are falsified by self-admiration and self-pity. The writer of these recollections has thought that if the examination of his earliest years was to be undertaken at all, it should be attempted while his memory is still perfectly vivid and while he is still unbiased by the forgetfulness or the sensibility of advancing years. At one point only has there been any tampering with precise fact. It is believed that, with the exception of the sun, there is but one person mentioned in this book who is still alive. Nevertheless, it has been thought well in order to avoid any appearance of offense to alter the majority of the proper names of the private person spoken of. It is not unusual, perhaps, that the narrative of a spiritual struggle should mingle merriment and humor with discussion of the most solemn subjects. It has, however, been inevitable that they should be so mingled in this narrative. It is true that most funny books try to be funny throughout, while theology is scandalized if it awakens a single smile. But life is not constituted thus, and this book is nothing if it is not a genuine slice of life. There was an extraordinary mixture of comedy and tragedy in the situation which is here described, and those who are affected by the pathos of it will not need to have it explained to them that the comedy was superficial and the tragedy essential. CHAPTER I This book is the record of a struggle between two temperaments, two consciences, and almost two epics. It ended as was inevitable in disruption. Of the two human beings here described, one was born to fly backward, the other could not help being carried forward. There came a time when neither spoke the same language as the other, or encompassed the same hopes, or was fortified by the same desires. But at least it is some consolation to the survivor that neither, to the very last hour, ceased to respect the other or to regard him with a sad indulgence. The affection of these two persons was assailed by forces in comparison with which the changes that health or fortune or place introduce are as nothing. It is a mournful satisfaction, but yet a satisfaction, that they were both of them able to obey the law which says that ties of close family relationship must be honored and sustained. Had it not been so, this story would never have been told. The struggle began soon, yet of course it did not begin in early infancy. But to familiarize my readers with the conditions of the two persons, which were unusual, and with the outlines of their temperaments, which were perhaps innately antagonistic, it is needful to open with some account of all that I can truly and independently recollect, as well as with some statements which are, as will be obvious, due to household tradition. My parents were poor gentle folks, not young, solitary, sensitive, and although they did not know it, proud. They both belonged to what is called the middle class, and there was this further resemblance between them that they each descended from families which had been more than well to do in the eighteenth century and had gradually sunken in fortune. In both houses there had been a decay of energy which had led to decay in wealth. In the case of my father's family it had been a slow decline, in that of my mother's it had been rapid. My maternal grandfather was born wealthy, and in the opening years of the nineteenth century, immediately after his marriage, he bought a little estate in north Wales on the slopes of Snowden. Here he seems to have lived in a pretentious way, keeping a pack of hounds and entertaining on an extravagant scale. He had a wife who encouraged him in this vivid life, and three children, my mother and her two brothers. His best trait was his devotion to the education of his children, in which he proclaimed himself a disciple of Rousseau. But he can hardly have followed the teaching of a meal very closely, since he employed tutors to teach his daughter, at an extremely early age, the very subjects which Rousseau forbade, such as history, literature, and foreign languages. My mother was his special favorite, and his vanity did its best to make a blue stocking of her. She read Greek, Latin, and even a little Hebrew, and what was more important her mind was trained to be self-supporting. But she was diametrically opposed in essential matters to her easy-going, luxurious, and self-indulgent parents. Reviewing her life in her thirtieth year, she remarked in some secret notes, I cannot recollect a time when I did not love religion. She used a still more remarkable expression. If I must state my conversion for my first wish and trial to be holy, I may go back to infancy. If I am to postpone it till after my last willful sin, it is scarcely yet begun. The irregular pleasures of her parents' life were deeply distasteful to her, as such were to many young persons in those days of the wide revival of conscience. And when my grandfather, by his reckless expenditure, which he never checked till Rhone was upon him, was obliged to sell his estate and live in penury, my mother was the only member of the family who did not regret the change. For my own part, I believe I should have liked my reprobate maternal grandfather, but his conduct was certainly very vexatious. He died in his eightieth year when I was nine months old. It was a curious coincidence that life had brought both my parents along similar paths to an almost identical position in respect to religious belief. She had started from the Anglican standpoint, he from the Wesleyan, and each, almost without counsel for mothers, and after varied theological experiments, had come to take up precisely the same attitude towards all divisions of the Protestant Church, that, namely, of detached and unbiased contemplation. So far as the sex agreed with my father and my mother, the sex were walking in the light. Wherever they differed from them, they had slipped more or less definitely into a penumbra of their own making, a darkness into which neither of my parents would follow them. Hence, by a process of selection, my father and my mother alike had gradually, without violence, found themselves shut outside all Protestant communions, and at last they met only with a few extreme Calvinists like themselves, on terms of what may almost be called negation, with no priests, no ritual, no festivals, no ornament of any kind, nothing but the Lord's Supper and the exposition of Holy Scripture drawing these astere spirits into any sort of cohesion. They called themselves the Brethren, simply, a title enlarged by the world outside, into Plymouth Brethren. It was accident and similarity which brought my parents together at these meetings of the Brethren. Each was lonely, each was poor, each was accustomed to a strenuous intellectual self-support. He was nearly thirty-eight, she was past forty-two when they married. From a suburban lodging, he brought her home to his mother's little house in the northeast of London without a single day's honeymoon. My father was a zoologist and a writer of books on natural history. My mother also was a writer, author already, of two slender volumes of Religious Verse, the earlier of which, I know not how, must have enjoyed some slight success since a second edition was printed. Afterward she devoted her pen to popular works of edification, but how infinitely removed in their aims, their habits, their ambitions from literary people of the present day, words are scarcely adequate to describe. Neither knew nor cared about any manifestation of current literature. For each there had been no poet later than Byron, and neither had read a romance since in childhood they had dipped into the Waverly novels as they appeared in succession. For each the various forms of imaginative and scientific literature were merely means of improvement and profit, which kept the student out of the world, gave him full employment, and enabled him to maintain himself. But pleasure was found nowhere but in the word of God, and to the endless discussion of the scripture each hurried when the day's work was over. In this strange household the advent of a child was not welcome, but was born with resignation. The event was thus recorded in my father's diary. E. delivered of a son. Received green swallow from Jamaica. This entry has caused amusement, as showing that he was as much interested in the bird as in the boy, but this does not follow. What the wording exemplifies is my father's extreme punctilio. The green swallow arrived later in the day than the son, and the earlier visitor was therefore recorded first. My father was scrupulous in every species of arrangement. Long afterwards my father told me that my mother suffered much in giving birth to me, and that uttering no cry I appeared to be dead. I was laid with scant care on another bed in the room, while all anxiety and attention were concentrated on my mother. An old woman, who happened to be there, and who was unemployed, turned her thoughts to me, and tried to awaken me a spark of vitality. She succeeded, and she was afterwards complimented by the doctor on her cleverness. My father could not, when he told me the story, recollect the name of my preserver. I have often longed to know who she was. For all the rapture of life, for all its turmoil, its anxious desires, its manifold pleasures, and even for its sorrow and suffering, I bless and praise that anonymous old lady from the bottom of my heart. It was six weeks before my mother was able to leave her room. The occasion was made as solemn one, and was attended by a species of churching. Mr. Balfour, a valued minister of the denomination, held a private service in the parlor, and prayed for our child that he may be the Lord's. This was the opening act of that dedication, which was never henceforward forgotten, and of which the following pages will endeavor to describe the results. Around my tender and unconscious spirit was flung the luminous web, the light and elastic but impermeable veil which it was hoped would keep me unspotted from the world. Until this time, my father's mother had lived in the house and taken the domestic charges of it on her own shoulders. She now consented to leave us to ourselves. There is no question that her exodus was a relief to my mother, since my paternal grandmother was a strong and masterful woman, buxom, caloric and practical, for whom the interests of the mind did not exist. Her daughter-in-law, gentle as she was, and ethereal in manner and appearance, strangely contrasted, no doubt, in her tinctures of gold hair and white skin, with my grandmother's bold carnations and black tresses, was yet possessed of a will like tempered steel. They were better friends apart, and with my grandmother lodged hard by, in a bright room, her household gods and bits of excellent eighteenth-century furniture around her, her miniatures and sparkling china arranged on shelves. Left to my mother's sole care, I became the center of her solicitude. But there mingle with those happy animal instincts which sustain the strengthened patience of every human mother, and were fully present with her, there mingle with these certain spiritual determinations which can be but rare. They are, in their outline, I suppose, vaguely common to many religious mothers, but there are few indeed who fill up the sketch with so firm a detail as she did. Once again I am indebted to her secret notes in a little locked volume, seen until now nearly sixty years later by no eyes save her own. Thus she wrote when I was two months old. We have given him to the Lord, and we trust that he will really manifest him to be his own if he grow up, and if the Lord take him hurly, we will not doubt that he is taken to himself. Only if it please the Lord to take him, I do trust we may be spared seeing him suffering in lingering illness and much pain. But in this, as in all things, his will is better than what we can choose. Whether his life be prolonged or not, it has already been a blessing to us, and to the saints, in leading us to much prayer and bringing us into varied need and some trial. The last sentence is somewhat obscure to me. How, at that tender age, I can try to be a blessing to the saints, may surprise others and puzzles myself. But the saints was the habitual term by which were indicated the friends who met on Sunday mornings for holy communion, and at many other times in the week for prayer and discussions of the scriptures, in the small hired hall at Hackney which my parents attended. I suppose that the solemn dedication of me to the Lord, which was repeated in public in my mother's arms, being by no means a usual or familiar ceremony even among the brethren, created a certain curiosity and fervor in the immediate services, or was imagined so to do by the fond partial heart of my mother. She, however, who had been so much isolated, now made the care of her child an excuse for retiring so further into silence. With those religious persons who met at the room, as the modest chapel was called, she had little spiritual and no intellectual sympathy. She noted, I do not think it would increase my happiness to be in the midst of the saints at Hackney. I have made up my mind to give myself up to baby for the winter, and to accept no invitations, to go when I can to the Sunday morning meetings, and to see my own mother. The monotony of her existence now became extreme, but she seems to have been happy. Her days were spent in taking care of me and in directing one young servant. My father was forever in his study, writing, drawing, dissecting, sitting no doubt as I grew afterwards accustomed to see him absolutely motionless, with his eyes glued to the microscope for twenty minutes at a time. So the greater part of every weekday was spent, and on Sunday he usually preached one, and sometimes two extemporary sermons. His workday labors were rewarded by the praise of the learned world to which he was indifferent, but by very little money which he needed more. For over three years after their marriage neither of my parents left London for a single day, not being able to afford to travel. They received scarcely any visitors, never ate a meal away from home, never spent an evening in social intercourse abroad. At night they discussed theology, read aloud to one another, or translated scientific brochures from French or German. It sounds a terrible life of pressure and deprivation, and that it was physically unwholesome there can be no shadow of a doubt. But their contentment was complete and unfaithful. In the midst of this, materially, the hardest moment of their lives, when I was one year old, and there was a question of our leaving London, my mother recorded in her secret notes. We are happy and contented, having all things needful and pleasant, and our present habitation is hallowed by many sweet associations. We have our house to ourselves and enjoy each other's society. If we move we shall no longer be alone. The situation may be more favourable, however, for baby, as being more in the country. I desire to have no choice in the matter, but as I know not what would be for our good, and God knows, so I desire to leave it with him. And if it is not his will we should move, he will raise objections and difficulties, and if it is his will he will make Henry, my father, desirous and anxious to take the step. And then whatever the result let us leave all to him and not regret it. No one who is acquainted with the human heart will mistake this attitude of resignation for weakness of purpose. It was not poverty of will, it was abnegation, it was a voluntary act. My mother, underneath an exquisite amenity of manner, concealed a rigor of spirit which took the form of a constant self-denial. For it to dawn upon her consciousness that she wished for something was definitely to renounce that wish, or more exactly to subject it in everything to what she conceived to be the will of God. This is perhaps the right moment for me to say that at this time, and indeed until the hour of her death, she exercised, without suspecting it, a magnetic power over the will and nature of my father. Both were strong, but my mother was unquestionably the stronger of the two. It was her mind which gradually drew his to take up a certain definite position, and this remained permanent, although she, the cause of it, was early removed. Hence, while it was with my father that the long struggle which I have to narrate took place, behind my father stood the ethereal memory of my mother's will, guiding him, pressing him, holding him to the unswerving purpose which she had formed and defined. And when the inevitable disruption came, what was unspeakably painful was to realize that it was not from one, but from both parents, that the purpose of the child was separated. My mother was a puritan ingrain, and never a word escaped her, not a phrase exist in her diary, to suggest that she had any privations to put up with. She seemed strong and well, and so did I. The one of us who broke down was my father. With his attack of acute nervous dyspepsia came an unexpected small accession of money, and we were able, in my third year, to take a holiday of nearly ten months in Devonshire. The extreme seclusion, the unbroken strain were never repeated, and when we returned to London, it was to conditions of greater amenity, and to a less rigid practice of the world forgetting by the world forgot. That this relaxation was more relative than positive, and that nothing ever really tempted either of my parents from their cavern in an intellectual thiebied, my recollections will amply prove. But each of them was forced by circumstances into a more or less public position, and neither could any longer quite ignore the world around. It is not my business here to rewrite the biographies of my parents. Each of them became, in a certain measure, celebrated, and each was the subject of a good deal of contemporary discussion. Each was prominent before the eyes of a public of his or her own half a century ago. It is because their minds were vigorous and their accomplishments distinguished that the contrast between their spiritual point of view and the aspect of a similar class of persons today is interesting, and may, I hope, be instructive. But this is not another memoir of public individuals, each of whom has had more than one biographer. My serious duty is I venture to hold it as other. That's the world's side. Thus men saw them, praised them, thought they knew them. There in turn I stood aside and praised them. Out of my own self, I dare to phrase it. But this is a different inspection. This is a study of the other side, the novel. Silent silver lights and dark sun dreamed of. The record of a state of soul once not uncommon in Protestant Europe, of which my parents were perhaps the latest consistent exemplars among people of light and leading. The peculiarities of a family life founded upon such principles are in relation to a little child obvious, but I may be permitted to recapitulate them. Here was perfect purity, perfect intrepidity, perfect abnegation. Yet there was also narrowness, isolation, and absence of perspective. Let it be boldly admitted an absence of humanity. And there was a curious mixture of humbleness and arrogance, entire resignation to the will of God, and not less entire disdain of the judgment and opinion of man. My parents founded every action, every attitude upon their interpretation of the scriptures, and upon the guidance of the Divine Will as revealed to them by direct answer to prayer. Their ejaculation in the face of any dilemma was, let us cast it before the Lord. So confident were they of the reality of their intercourse with God that they asked for no other guide. They recognized no spiritual authority among men. They subjected themselves to no priest or minister. They troubled their consciences about no current manifestation of religious opinion. They lived in an intellectual cell, bounded at its sides by the walls of their own house, but open above it to the very heart of the uttermost heavens. This then was the scene in which the soul of a little child was planted. Not as in an ordinary open flower border, or carefully tended social parterre, but as on a ledge split in the granite of some mountain. The ledge was hung between night and the snows on one hand, and the dizzy depths of the world upon the other, was furnished with just soil enough for a genshin to struggle skyward and open its stiff azure stars, and offered no lodgement, no hope of salvation, to any rootlet which had strayed beyond its inexorable limits. CHAPTER II Out of the darkness of my infancy there comes only one flash of memory. I am seated alone in my baby chair at a dinner table set for several people. Somebody brings in a leg of mutton, puts it down close to me, and goes out. I am again alone, gazing at two low windows wide open upon a garden. Suddenly, noiselessly, a large, long animal, obviously a greyhound, appears at one window sill, slips into the room, seizes the leg of mutton, and slips out again. When this happened I could not yet talk. The accomplishment of speech came to me very late, doubtless because I never heard young voices. Many years later, when I mentioned this recollection, there was a shout of laughter and surprise. That, then, was what became of the mutton. It was not you who, as your Uncle A. pretended, ate it up, in the twinkling of an eye, bone and all. I suppose that it was the startling intensity of this incident which stamped it upon a memory from which all other impressions of this early date have vanished. The adventure of the leg of mutton occurred evidently at the house of my mother's brothers, for my parents at this date visited no other. My uncles were not religious men, but they had an almost filial respect for my mother who was several years senior to the elder of them. When the catastrophe of my grandfather's fortune had occurred they had not yet left school. My mother, in spite of an extreme dislike of teaching, which was native to her, immediately accepted the situation of a governess in the family of an Irish nobleman. The mansion was only to be approached, as Ms. Edgeworth would have said, through eighteen slews at the imminent peril of one's life, and when one had reached it the mixture of opulence and squalor, of civility and savagery, was unspeakable. But my mother was well paid and she stayed in this distasteful environment, doing the work she hated most, while with the margin of her salary she helped first one of her brothers and then the other through his Cambridge course. They studied hard and did well at the university. At length their sister received, in her Ultima Thule news, that her younger brother had taken his degree and then and there, with a sigh of intense relief, she resigned her situation and came straight back to England. It is not to be wondered at then that my uncles looked up to their sister with feelings of a special devotion. They were not inclined, they were hardly in a position to criticize her modes of thought. They were easygoing, cultured, and kindly gentlemen, rather limited in their views, without a trace of their sister's force of intellect or her strenuous temper. E. resembled her in person. He was tall, fair, with auburn curls. He cultivated a certain tendency to the Byronic type, fatal and melancholy. E. was short, brown, and jacose, with a pretension to common sense, bluff, and chatty. As a little child I adored my uncle E., who sat silent by the fireside holding me against his knees, saying nothing, but looking unutterably sad, and occasionally shaking his warm-colored tresses. With great injustice, on the other hand, I detested my uncle A., because he used to joke in a manner very displeasing to me, and because he would so far forget himself as to chase, and even, if it will be credited, to tickle me. My uncles, who remained bachelors to the end of their lives, earned a comfortable living. E. by teaching A. as in something in the city, and they rented an old rambling house in Clapton, that same in which I saw the Greyhound. Their house had a strange, delicious smell, so unlike anything I smelled anywhere else, that it used to fill my eyes with tears of mysterious pleasure. I now know that this was the odor of cigars, tobacco being a species of incense, tabooed at home on the highest religious grounds. It has been recorded that I was slow in learning to speak. I used to be told that having met all invitations to repeat such words as Papa and Mama, with gravity and indifference, I one day drew towards me a volume, and said, Book, with starling distinctness. I was not at all precocious, but at a rather early age, I think towards the beginning of my fourth year, I learned to read. I cannot recollect a time when a printed page of English was close to me, but perhaps earlier still Mother used to repeat to me a poem, which I have always taken for granted, that she herself composed, a poem which had a romantic place in my early mental history. It ran thus, I think. Oh, pretty moon, you shine so bright, I'll go to bid Mama good night, and then I'll lie upon my bed and watch you move above my head. Ah, there a cloud has hidden you, but I see your light shine through. It tries to hide you quite in vain, for there you quickly come again. It's God I know that makes you shine upon this little bed of mine, but I shall all about you know when I can read and older grow. Long, long after the last line had become an anachronism, I used to shout this poem from my bed before I went to sleep, whether the night happened to be moonlit or no. It must have been my father who taught me my letters. To my mother, as I have said, it was distasteful to teach, though she was so prompt and skillful to learn. My father, on the contrary, taught cheerfully, by fits and starts. In particular, he had a scheme for rationalizing geography, which I think was admirable. I was to climb upon a chair while standing at my side, with a pencil and a sheet of paper, he was to draw a chart of the markings on the carpet. Then, when I understood the system, another chart on a smaller scale of furniture in the room, then a floor of the house, then of the back garden, then of a section of the street. The result of this was that geography came to me of itself as a perfectly natural miniature arrangement of objects, and to this day has always been the science which gives me least difficulty. My father also taught me the simple rules of arithmetic, a little natural history, and the elements of drawing, and he labored long and unsuccessfully to make me learn by heart hymns, psalms, and chapters of scripture, in which I always filled, ignominiously, and with tears. This puzzled and vexed him, for he himself had an extremely retentive textual memory, and he could not help thinking that I was naughty, and that I would not learn the chapters until at last he gave up the effort. All the sketch of an education began, I believe, in my fourth year, and was not advanced or modified during the rest of my mother's life. Meanwhile, capable as I was of reading, I found my greatest pleasure in the pages of books. The range of these was limited, for story books of every description were sternly excluded. No fiction of any kind, religious or secular, was admitted into the house. In this it was to my mother, not to my father, that the prohibition was due. She had a remarkable, I confess to me still somewhat unaccountable, impression that to tell a story that is to compose fictitious narrative of any kind was a sin. She carried this conviction to extreme lengths. My father, in later years, gave me some interesting examples of her firmness. As a young man in America, he had been deeply impressed by Salethiel, a pious prose romance by that then popular writer, the Reverend George Crowley. When he first met my mother he recommended it to her, but she would not consent to open it, nor would she read the chivalrous tales in verse of Sir Walter Scott, obstinately alleging that they were not true. She rebreat none but lyrical and subjective poetry. Her secret diary reveals the history of the singular aversion to the fictitious, although it cannot be said to explain the cause of it. As a child, however, she had possessed a passion for making up stories and so considerable a skill in it that she was constantly being begged to indulge others with its exercise. But I will, on so curious a point, leave her to speak for herself. When I was a very little child, I used to abuse myself and my brothers with inventing stories, such as I read. Having, as I suppose, naturally a restless mind and busy imagination, this soon became the chief pleasure of my life. Unfortunately, my brothers were always fond of encouraging this propensity, and I found in Taylor my maid a still greater tempter. I had not known there was any harm in it until Miss Shore, a Calvinist governess, finding it out, lectured me severely and told me it was wicked. From that time forward I considered that to invent a story of any kind was a sin, but the desire to do so was too deeply rooted in my affections to be resisted in my own strength. She was, at the time, nine years of age. And unfortunately, I knew neither my corruption nor my weakness, nor did I know where to gain strength. The longing to invent stories grew with violence, everything I heard or read became food for my distemper. The simplicity of truth was not sufficient for me. I must needs embroider imagination upon it, and the folly, vanity, and wickedness which disgraced my heart are more than I am able to express. Even now, at the age of 29, though watched, prayed, and striven against, this is still the sin that most easily besets me. It has hindered my prayers and prevented my improvement, and therefore has humbled me very much. This is surely a very painful instance of the repression of an instinct. There seems to have been, in this case, a vocation such as is rarely heard, and still as often willfully disregarded and silenced. Was my mother intended by nature to be a novelist? I have often thought so, and her talents and vigor of purpose directed along the line which was ready to form the chief pleasure of her life could hardly have failed to conduct her to a great success. She was a little younger than Bulwer-Lytton, a little older than Mrs. Gaskell, but these are vain and trivial speculations. My own state, however, was, I should think, almost unique among the children of cultivated parents. In consequence of the stern ordinance which I have described, not a single fiction was read or told to me during my infancy. The rapture of a child who delays the process of going to bed by cajoling a story out of his mother or his nurse as he sits upon her knee well tucked up at the corner of the nursery fire. This was unknown to me. Never in all my early childhood did anyone address to me the affecting preamble. Once upon a time I was told about missionaries, but never about pirates. I was familiar with hummingbirds, but I had never heard of fairies. Jack the Giant Killer, Rumpelstiltskin, and Robin Hood were not of my acquaintance, and though I understood about wolves, Little Red Riding Hood was a stranger even by name. So far as my dedication was concerned, I can but think that my parents were an error thus to exclude the imaginary from my outlook upon facts. The desire to make me truthful, the tendency was to make me positive and skeptical. Had they wrapped me in the soft folds of supernatural fancy, my mind might have been longer content to follow their traditions in an unquestioning spirit. Having easily said what in those early years I did not read, I have great difficulty in saying what I did read, but a queer variety of natural history, some of it quite indigestible. By my undeveloped mind, many books of travels, mainly of a scientific character, among them voyages of discovery in the South Seas, by which my brain was dimly filled with splendor, some geography and astronomy, both of them sincerely enjoyed, much theology, which I desired to appreciate but could never get my teeth into, if I may venture to say so, and over which my eye and tongue learned to slip without penetrating, so that I would read and read aloud with great propriety of emphasis, page after page, without having formed an idea or retained an expression. There was, for instance, a writer on prophecy called Jukes, of whose works each of my parents was inordinately found, and I was early set to read Jukes aloud to them. I did it glibly, like a machine, but the sight of Jukes' volumes became an abomination to me, and I never formed the outline of a notion what they were about. Later on, a publication called The Penicyclopedia became my daily, and for a long time almost my sole study to the subject of this remarkable work I may presently return. It is difficult to keep anything like a chronological order in recording fragments of early recollection, and in speaking of my reading I have been led too far ahead. My memory does not, practically, begin till we returned from certain visits made with a zoological purpose to the shores of Devon and Dorset, and settled early in my fifth year in a house at Islington in the north of London. Our circumstances were now more easy. My father had regular and well-paid literary work, and the house was larger and more comfortable than ever before, though still very simple and restricted. My memories, some of which are exactly dated by certain facts, now become clear and almost abundant. What I do not remember, except from having it very often repeated to me, is what may be considered the only clever thing that I said during an otherwise un illustrious childhood. It was not startlingly clever, but it may pass. A lady, when I was just four, rather injudiciously, showed me a large print of a human skeleton saying, There. You don't know what that is, do you? Upon which, immediately and very archly, I replied, Isn't it a man with the meat off? This was thought wonderful, and as it is supposed that I had never had the phenomenon explained to me, it certainly displays some quickness in seizing an analogy. I had often watched my father when he soaked the flesh off the bones of fishes and small mammals. If I venture to repeat this trifle, it is only to point out that the system on which I was being educated deprived all things human life among the rest of their mystery. The bare grinning skeleton of death was to me merely a prepared specimen of that featherless, plantigrade, vertebrate, homo sapiens. As I have said that this anecdote was thought worth repeating, I ought to proceed to say that there was, so far as I can recollect, none of that flattery of childhood which is so often merely a backhanded way of indulging the vanity of parents. My mother, indeed, would hardly have been human if she had not occasionally entertained herself with the delusion that her solitary duckling was a signet. This my father did not encourage remarking with great affection and chucking me under the chin that I was a nice little ordinary boy. My mother, stung by this want of appreciation, would proceed so far as to declare that she believed in future time the FRS would be chiefly known as his son's father. This is a pleasantry frequent in professional families. To this my father, whether convinced or not, would make no demure and the couple would begin to discuss in my presence the direction which my shining talents would take. In consequence of my dedication to the Lord's service, the range of possibilities which much restricted, my father, who had lived long in the tropics and who nursed a perpetual nostalgia for the little lazy aisles where the trumpet orchids blow, leaned towards the field of missionary labor. My mother, who was cold about foreign missions, preferred to believe that I should be the Charles Wesley of my age or perhaps she had the candor to admit merely the George Whitfield. I cannot recollect the time when I did not understand that I was going to be a minister of the gospel. It is so generally taken for granted that a life strictly dedicated to religion is stiff and dreary, that I may have some difficulty in persuading my readers that, as a matter of fact, in these early days of my childhood, before disease and death had penetrated to our slender society, we were always cheerful and often gay. My parents were playful with one another and there were certain stock family jests which seldom failed to enliven the breakfast table. My father and mother lived so completely in the atmosphere of faith and were so utterly convinced of their intercourse with God that so long as that intercourse was not clouded by sin to which they were delicately sensitive, they could afford to take the passing hour very lightly. They would even, to a certain extent, treat the surroundings of their religion as a subject of jest, joking very mildly and gently about such things as an attitude at prayer or the nature of a supplication. They were absolutely indifferent to forms. They prayed, seated in their chairs, as willingly as reversed upon their knees, no ritual having any significance for them. My mother was sometimes extremely gay, laughing with a soft, merry sound. What I have since been told of the guileless mirth of nuns and a convent has reminded me of the gaiety of my parents during my early childhood. So long as I was a mere part of them without individual existence and swept on a satellite in their atmosphere, I was mirthful when they were mirthful and grave when they were grave. The mere fact that I had no young companions, no story books, no outdoor amusements, none of the thousand and one employments provided for other children in more conventional surroundings did not make me discontented or fretful because I did not know of the existence of such entertainments. In exchange I became keenly attentive to the limited circle of interests open to me. Oddly enough I have no recollection of any curiosity about other children nor of any desire to speak to them or play with them. They did not enter into my dreams, which were occupied entirely with grown-up people and animals. I had three dolls to whom my attitude was not very intelligible. Two of these were female, one with a shapeless face of rags, the other in wax. But in my fifth year, when the Crimean War broke out, I was given a third doll, a soldier, dressed very smartly in a scarlet cloth tunic. I used to put the dolls on three chairs and harangue them aloud, but my sentiment to them was never confidential until our maid servant one day intruding on my audience and misunderstanding the occasion of it said, What, a boy, I'm playing with a soldier when he's got two lady dolls to play with? I had never thought of my dolls as confidence before, but from that time forth I paid a special attention to the soldier in order to make up to him for Lizzie's unwarrantable insult. The declaration of war with Russia brought the first breath of outside life into our Calvinist cloister. My parents took in a daily newspaper, which they had never done before, and events in picturesque places which my father and I looked out on the map were eagerly discussed. One of my vividest early memories can be dated exactly. I was playing about the house and suddenly burst into the breakfast room where, close to the door, sat an amazing figure, a very tall young man, as stiff as my doll, in a gorgeous scarlet tunic. Quite far away from him, at her writing table, my mother sat with her Bible open before her and was urging the Gospel plan of salvation on his acceptance. She promptly told me to run away and play, but I had seen a great sight. This guardsman was in the act of leaving for the Crimea, and his adventures, he was converted in consequence of my mother's instruction, were afterwards told by her in a tract called The Guardsman of the Alma, of which I believe that more than half a million copies were circulated. He was killed in that battle, and this added an extraordinary luster to my dream of him. I see him still in my mind's eye, large, stiff, and unspeakably brilliant, seated, from respect as near as possible, to our parlor door. This apparition gave reality to my subsequent conversations with the soldier doll. That same victory of the Alma, which was reported in London on my fifth birthday, is also marked very clearly in my memory by a family circumstance. We were seated at breakfast at our small round table drawn close up to the window, my father with his back to the light. Suddenly he gave a sort of cry and read out the opening sentences from the Times, announcing a battle in the valley of the Alma. No doubt the strain of national anxiety had been very great, for both he and my mother seemed deeply excited. He broke off his reading when the fact of the decisive victory was assured, and he and my mother sank simultaneously on their knees in front of their tea and bread and butter, while in a loud voice my father gave thanks to the God of battles. This patriotism was the more remarkable in that he had schooled himself, as he believed, to put his heavenly citizenship above all earthly duties. To those who said, because you are a Christian, surely you are not less an Englishman, he would reply by shaking his head and by saying, I am a citizen of no earthly state. He did not realize that in reality, and to use a can't phrase, not yet coined, in 1854, there existed in Great Britain no more thorough jingo than he. Another instance of the remarkable way in which the interests of daily life were mingled in our strange household, with the practice of religion, made an impression upon my memory. We had all three been much excited by a report that a certain dark geometer moth generated in underground stables had been met with in Islington. Its name, I think, is Bulatobia Fullingenaria, and I believe that it is excessively rare in England. We were sitting at family prayers on a summer morning, I think in 1855, when through the open window a brown moth came sailing. My mother immediately interrupted the reading of the Bible by saying to my father, oh, Henry, do you think that can be Bulatobia? My father rose up from the sacred book, examined the insect, which had now perched and replied, no, it is only the common vaporer, Orgea Antiqua, resuming his seat and the exposition of the word without any apology or embarrassment. In the course of this, my sixth year, there happened a series of minute and soundless incidents which, elementary, as they may seem one told, were second in real importance to none in my mental history. The recollection of them confirms me in the opinion that certain leading features in each human soul are inherent to it, and cannot be accounted for by suggestion or training. In my own case, I was most carefully withdrawn, like Princess Blanche Flower in her marble fortress, from every outside influence whatsoever, yet to me the instinctive life came as unexpectedly as her lover came to her in the basket of roses. What came to me was the consciousness of self as a force and as a companion, and it came as the result of one or two shocks which I will relate. In consequence of hearing so much about an omniscient God, a being of supernatural wisdom and penetration, who was always with us, who made, in fact, a fourth in our company, I had come to think of him, not without awe, but with absolute confidence. My father and mother, in their serene discipline of me, never argued with one another, never even differed, their will seemed absolutely one. My mother always deferred to my father, and in his absence spoke of him to me as if he were all wise. I confused him, in some sense, with God, at all events I believed that my father knew everything and saw everything. One morning in my sixth year, my mother and I were alone in the morning room, when my father came in and announced some fact to us. I was standing on the rug, gazing at him, and when he made this statement, I remember turning quickly in embarrassment and looking into the fire. The shock to me was as that of a thunderbolt for what my father had said was not true. My mother and I, who had been present at the trifling incident, were aware that it had not happened exactly as it had been reported to him. My mother gently told him so, and he accepted the correction. Nothing could possibly have been more trifling to my parents, but to me it meant an epic. Here was the appalling discovery never suspected before that my father was not as God and did not know everything. The shock was not caused by any suspicion that he was not telling the truth as it appeared to him, but by the awful proof that he was not, as I had supposed, omniscient. This experience was followed by another, which confirmed the first, but carried me a great deal further. In our little back garden my father had built up a rockery for ferns and mosses, and from the water supply of the house he had drawn a leaden pipe so that it pierced upwards through the rockery and produced, when a tap was turned, a pretty silvery parasol of water. The pipe was exposed somewhere near the foot of the rockery. One day two workmen, who were doing some repairs, left their tools during the dinner hour in the back garden, and as I was marching about I suddenly thought that to see whether one of these tools could make a hole in the pipe would be attractive. It did make such a hole quite easily, and then the matter escaped my mind. But a day or two afterwards when my father came into dinner he was very angry. He had turned the tap and instead of the fountain arching at the summit there had been a rush of water through a hole at the foot. The rockery was absolutely ruined. Of course I realized in a moment what I had done, and I sat frozen with alarm, waiting to be denounced. But my mother remarked on the visit of the plumbers two or three days before, and my father instantly took up the suggestion. No doubt that was it. The mischievous fellows had thought it amusing to stab the pipe and spoil the fountain. No suspicion fell on me, no question was asked of me. I sat there, turned to stone within, but outwardly sympathetic, and with unchecked appetite. We attribute, I believe, too many moral ideas to little children. It is obvious that in this tremendous juncture I ought to have been urged forward by good instincts or held back by naughty ones. But I am sure that the fear which I experienced for a short time, and which so unexpectedly melted away, was a purely physical one. It had nothing to do with the motions of a contrite heart. As to the destruction of the fountain, I was sorry about that for my own sake since I admired the skipping water extremely, and I had had no idea that I was spoiling its display. But the emotions which now thronged within me, and which led me, with almost unwise alacrity, to seek solitude in the back garden, were not moral at all. They were intellectual. I was not ashamed of having successfully, and so surprisingly, deceived my parents by my crafty silent. I looked upon that as a providential escape, and dismissed, all further thought of it. I had other things to think of. In the first place, the theory that my father was omniscient or infallible was now dead and buried. He probably knew very little. In this case, he had not known a fact of such importance that if you did not know that, it could hardly matter what you knew. My father, as a deity, as a natural force of immense prestige, fell in my eyes to a human level. In future, his statements about things in general need not be accepted implicitly, but of all the thoughts which rushed upon my savage and undeveloped little brain at this crisis, the most curious was that I had found a companion and a confidant in myself. There was a secret in this world, and it belonged to me, and to somebody who lived in the same body with me. There were two of us, and we could talk with one another. It is difficult to define impressions so rudimentary, but it is certain that it was in this dual form that the sense of my individuality now suddenly descended upon me, and it is equally certain that it was a great solace to me to find a sympathizer in my own breast. About this time, my mother, carried away by a current of her literary and philanthropic work, left me more and more to my own devices. She was seized with a great enthusiasm. As one of her admirers and disciples has written, she went on her way, sowing beside all waters. I would not for a moment let it be supposed that I regard her as a Mrs. Jellybee, or that I think she neglected me. But a remarkable work had opened up before her, after her long years in a mental hermitage, she was drawn forth into the clamourous harvest field of souls. She developed an unexpected gift of persuasion over strangers whom she met in the omnibus or in the train, and with whom she courageously grappled. This began by her noting, with deep humility and joy, that I have reason to judge the sound conversion to God of three young persons within a few weeks by the instrumentality of my conversations with them. And at the same time, as another of her biographers has said, those testimonies to the blood of Christ, the fruits of her pen, began to be spread very widely, even to the most distant parts of the globe. My father, too, was at this time at the height of his activity. After breakfast, each of them was amply occupied, perhaps until nightfall. Our evenings we still always spent together. Sometimes my mother took me with her on her unknown days employ. I recollect pleasant rambles through the city by her side, and the act of looking up at her figure soaring above me. But when all was done I had hours and hours of complete solitude in my father's study in the back garden above all in the garret. The garret was a fairy place. It was a low lean-to, lighted from the roof. It was wholly unfurnished, except for two objects, an ancient hat box, and a still more ancient skin-trunk. The hat box puzzled me extremely till one day, asking my father what it was, I got a distracted answer which led me to believe that it itself was a sort of hat, and I made a laborious but repeated effort to wear it. The skin-trunk was absolutely empty, but the inside of the lid of it was lined with sheets of what I now know to have been a sensational novel. It was, of course, a fragment, but I read it, kneeling on the bare floor with indescribable rapture. It will be recollected that the idea of fiction of a deliberately invented story had been kept for me with entire success. I therefore implicitly believed the tale in the lid of the trunk to be a true account of the sorrows of a lady of title, who had to flee the country and who was pursued into foreign lands by enemies bent upon her ruin. Somebody had an interview with a minion in a mask. I went downstairs and looked up these words in Bailey's English dictionary, but was left in darkness as to what they had to do with the lady of title. This ridiculous fragment filled me with delicious fears. I fancied that my mother, who was out so much, might be threatened by dangers of the same sort, and the fact that the narrative came abruptly to an end, in the middle of one of its most thrilling sentences, wound me up almost to a disorder of wonder and romance. The preoccupation of my parents threw me more and more upon my own resources. But what are the resources of a solitary child of six? I was never inclined to make friends with servants, nor did our successive maids proffer, so far as I recollect, any advances. Perhaps with my dedication and my grown-up ways of talking, I did not seem to them at all an attractive little boy. I continued to have no companions or even acquaintances of my own age. I am unable to recollect exchanging two words with another child till after my mother's death. The abundant energy which my mother now threw into her public work did not affect the quietude of our private life. We had some visitors in the daytime, people who came to consult one parent or the other, but they never stayed to a meal, and we never returned the visits. I do not quite know how it was that neither of my parents took me to any of the sites of London, although I am sure it was a question of principle with them. Notwithstanding all our study of natural history, I was never introduced to live wild beasts at the zoo, nor to dead ones at the British Museum. I can understand better why we never visited a picture gathering or a concert room. So far as I can recollect, the only time I was ever taken to any place of entertainment was when my father and I paid a visit, long anticipated, to the great globe in Leicester Square. This was a huge structure, the interior of which one ascended my beans of a spiral staircase. It was a poor affair that was concave in it which should have been convex, and my imagination was deeply affronted. I could invent a far better great globe than that in my mind's eye in the garret. Being so restricted then, and yet so active, my mind took refuge in an infantile species of natural magic. This contended with the definite ideas of religion which my parents were continuing, with too much mechanical persistency to force into my nature, and it ran parallel with them. I formed strange superstitions which I can only render intelligible by naming some concrete examples. I persuaded myself that if I could only discover the proper words to say, or the proper passes to make, I could induce the gorgeous birds and butterflies in my father's illustrated manuals to come to life, and fly out of the book, leaving holes behind them. I believed that when, at the chapel we sang, drearily and slowly, loud hymns of experience and humiliation, I could boom forth with a sound equal to that of dozens of singers if I could only hit upon the formula. During morning and evening prayers which were extremely lengthy and fatiguing, I fancied that one of my two selves could flit up and sit clinging to the cornice and look down on my other self and the rest of us if I could only find the key. I labored for hours in search of these formulas, thinking to compass my ends by means absolutely irrational. For example, I was convinced that if I could only count consecutive numbers long enough without losing one, I should suddenly, on reaching some far distant figure, find myself in possession of the great secret. I feel quite sure that nothing external suggested these ideas of magic, and I think it probable that they approached the ideas of savages at a very early stage of development. All this ferment of mind was entirely unobserved by my parents, but when I formed the belief that it was necessary for the success of my practical magic that I should hurt myself, and when, as a matter of fact, I began an extreme secrecy to run pins into my flesh and bang my joints with books. No one will be surprised to hear that my mother's attention was drawn to the fact that I was looking delicate. The notice nowadays universally given to the hygienic rules of life was rare fifty years ago, and among deeply religious people in particular, fatalistic views of disease prevailed. If anyone was ill, it showed that the Lord's hand was extended in chastisement, and much prayer poured forth in order that it might be explained to the sufferer or to his relations in what he or they had sinned. People would, for instance, go on living over a cesspool working themselves up into agony to discover how they had incurred the displeasure of the Lord, but never moving away. As I became very pale and nervous and slept badly at nights with visions and loud screams in my sleep, I was taken to a physician who stripped me and tapped me all over. This gave me some valuable hints for my magical practices, but could find nothing the matter. He recommended whatever physicians in such cases always recommend, but nothing was done. If I was feeble it was the Lord's will, and we must acquiesce. It culminated in a sort of fit of hysterics, when I lost all self-control and sobbed with tears and banged my head on the table. While this was proceeding, I was conscious of that dual individuality of which I have already spoken, since while one part of me gave way, and could not resist, the other part, in some extraordinary sense, seemed standing aloof, much impressed. I was alone with my father when this crisis suddenly occurred, and I was interested to see that he was greatly alarmed. It was a very long time since we had spent a day out of London, and I said, on being coaxed back to calmness, that I wanted to go into the country. Like the dying fall stuff, I babbled of green fields. My father, after a little reflection, proposed to take me to Primrose Hill. I had never heard of the place, and names have always appealed directly to my imagination. I was in the highest degree delighted, and could hardly restrain my impatience. As soon as possible we set forth westward, my hand in my father's, with the liveliest anticipations. I expected to see a mountain absolutely carpeted with primroses, a terrestrial galaxy, like that which covered the hill that led up to Montgomery Castle in Don's poem. But at length, as we walked from the chalk farm direction, a miserable eclivity stole into view, surrounded, even in those days, on most sides by houses, with its grass worn to the buff by millions of boots, and resembling what I meant by the country about as much as poplar resembles paradise. We sat down on a bench at its inglorious summit, whereupon I burst into tears, and in a heart-rending whisper sobbed, O Papa, let us go home. This was the lackamost epic in a career not otherwise given to weeping, for I must tell one more tale of tears. At this time, the autumn of 1855, my parents were disturbed more than once in the twilight after I had been put to bed by shrieks from my crib. They would rush up to my side and find me in great distress, but would be unable to discover the cause of it. The fact was that I was half beside myself with ghostly fears, increased and pointed by the fact that there had been some daring burglaries on our street. Our servant maid, who slept at the top of the house, had seen, or thought she saw, upon a moonlit night, the figure of a crouching man, silhouetted against the sky, slipped down from the roof, and leap into her room. She screamed, and he fled away. Moreover, as if that were not enough for my tender nerves, there had been committed a horrid murder at a baker's shop just around the corner in the Caledonian Road, to which murder, actuality, was given to us by the fact that my mother had been just thinking of getting her bread from the shop. Children, I think, were not spared the details of these affairs fifty years ago, at least I was not, and my nerves were a packet of spillicons. But what made me scream at nights was that when my mother had tucked me up in bed and had heard me say my prayer, and had prayed aloud on her knees at my side, and had stolen downstairs, noises immediately began in the room. There was a rustling of clothes, and a slapping of hands, and a gurgling, and a sniffing, and a trotting. These horrible muffled sounds would go on and die away and be resumed. I would pray very fervently to God to save me from my enemies, and sometimes I would go to sleep. But on other occasions my faith and fortitude alike gave way, and I screamed, Mama, Mama, then would my parents come bounding up the stairs and comfort me and kiss me and assure me it was nothing. And nothing it was while they were there, but no sooner had they gone than the ghostly riot It was at last discovered by my mother that the whole mischief was due to a card of framed text fastened by one nail to the wall. This did nothing when the bedroom door was shut, but when it was left open, in order that my parents might hear me call, the card began to gallop in the drought and made the most intolerable noises. Several things tended at this time to alienate my conscience from the line which my father had so rigidly traced for it. The question of the efficacy of prayer, which has puzzled wiser heads than mine was, began to trouble me. It was insisted on in our household that if anything was desired, you should not, as my mother said, lose any time in seeking for it, but ask God to guide you to it. In many junctures of life this is precisely what and sober fact they did. I will not dwell here on their theories which my mother put forth with unflinching directness in her published writings, but I found that a difference was made between my privileges in this manner and theirs, and this led to many discussions. My parents said, whatever you need, tell him, and he will grant it if it is his will. Very well, I had need of a large painted humming-top which I had seen in a shop window in the Caledonian road. Accordingly, I introduced a supplication for this object into my evening prayer, carefully adding the words if it is thy will. This I recollect, placed my mother in a dilemma, and she consulted my father. Taken, I suppose, at a disadvantage, my father told me I must not pray for things like that, to which I answered by another query, why? And I added that he said we ought to pray for things we needed, and that I needed the humming-top, a great deal more than I did the conversion of the heathen or the restitution of Jerusalem to the Jews, two objects of my nightly supplication which left me very cold. I have reason to believe, looking back upon this seam conducted by candlelight in the front parlor, that my mother was much baffled by the logic of my argument. She had gone so far as to say publicly that no things of circumstances are too insignificant to bring before the god of the whole earth. I persisted that this covered the case of the humming-top, which was extremely significant to me. I noticed that she held aloof from the discussion, which was carried on with some show of annoyance by my father. He had never gone quite so far as she did in regard to this question of praying for material things. I am not sure that she was convinced that I ought to have been checked, but he could not help seeing that it reduced their favorite theory to an absurdity for a small child to exercise the privilege. He ceased to argue and told me, preemptorily, that it was not right for me to pray for things like humming-tops, and that I must do it no more. His authority, of course, was paramount, and I yielded, but my faith in the efficacy of prayer was a good deal shaken. The fatal suspicion had crossed my mind that the reason why I was not to pray for the top was because it was too expensive for my parents to buy, that being the usual excuse for not getting things I wished for. It was about the date of my sixth birthday that I did something very naughty, some act of direct disobedience for which my father, after a solemn sermon, chastised me, sacrificially, by giving me several cuts with a cane. This action was justified, as everything he did was justified, by reference to scripture, spare the rod, and spoil the child. I suppose that there are some children of a sullen and lephatic temperament who are smartened up and made more wide awake by a whipping. It is largely a matter of convention, the exercise being endured, I am told, with pride, by the aristocracy, but not tolerated by the lower classes. I am afraid that I proved my inherent vulgarity by being made, not contrite or humble, but furiously angry by this caning. I cannot account for the flame of rage which had awakened in my bosom. My dear, excellent father had beaten me, not very severely, without ill temper, and with the most genuine desire to improve me. But he was not well advised, especially so far as the dedication to the Lord's service was concerned. This same dedication had ministered to my vanity, and there are some natures which are not improved by being humiliated. I have to confess with shame that I went about the house for some days with a murderous hatred of my father locked within my bosom. He did not suspect that the chastisement had not been wholly efficacious, and he bore me no malice so that after a while I forgot and thus forgave him. But I do not regard physical punishment as a wise element in the education of proud and sensitive children. My theological misdeeds culminated, however, in an act so purel and preposterous that I should not venture to record it if it did not throw some glimmering light on the subject which I have proposed to myself in writing these pages. My mind continued to dwell on the mysterious question of prayer. It puzzled me greatly to know why, if we were God's children and if he was watching over us by night and day, we might not supplicate for toys and sweets and smart clothes as well as for the conversion of the heathen. Just at this juncture we had a special service at the room at which our attention was particularly called to what we always spoke of as the field of missionary labor. The East was represented among the Saints by an excellent Irish peer who had, in his early youth, converted and married a lady of color. This Asiatic shared in our Sunday morning meetings and was an object of helpless terror to me. I shrank from her amiable caresses and vaguely identified her with a personage much spoken of in our family circle, the personal devil. All these matters drew my thoughts to the subject of idolatry which was severely censored at the missionary meeting. I cross-examined my father very closely as to the nature of the sin and pinned him down to the categorical statement that idolatry consisted in praying to anyone or anything but God himself. Wood and stone, in the words of the hymn, were peculiarly libeled to be bowed down to by the heathen in their blindness. I pressed my father further on this subject and he assured me that God would be very angry and would signify his anger if anyone in a Christian country bowed down to wooden stone. I cannot recall why I was so pertenacious on the subject, but I remember that my father became a little restive under my cross-examination. I determined, however, to test the matter for myself and one morning when both my parents were safely out of the house, I prepared for the great act of heresy. I was in the morning-room on the ground floor where, with much labor, I hoisted a small chair onto the table close to the window. My heart was now beating as if it would leap out of my side, but I pursued my experiment, I knelt down on the carpet in front of the table, and looking up I said my daily prayer in a loud voice, only substituting the address, O chair, for the habitual one. Having carried this act of idolity safely through, I waited to see what would happen. It was a fine day, and I gazed up at the slip of white sky above the house's opposite, and expected something to appear in it. God would certainly exhibit his anger in some terrible form, and would chastise my impious and willful action. I was very much alarmed, but still more excited. I breathed the high, sharp air of defiance, but nothing happened. There was not a cloud in the sky, not an unusual sound in the street. Presently I was quite sure that nothing would happen. I had committed idolatry, flagrantly and deliberately, and God did not care. The result of this ridiculous act was not to make me question the existence and power of God. Those were forces which I did not dream of ignoring. But what it did was to lessen still further my confidence in my father's knowledge of the Divine Mind. My father had said positively that if I worshipped a thing made of wood, God would manifest his anger. I had then worshipped a chair, made, or partially made, of wood, and God had made no sign whatsoever. My father, therefore, was not really acquainted with the Divine Practice in cases of idolatry, and with that, demissing the subject, I dived again into the unplumbed depths of the Penny Cyclopedia. CHAPTER III That I might die in my early childhood was a thought which frequently recurred to the mind of my mother. She endeavored, with a Roman fortitude, to face it without apprehension. Soon after I had completed my fifth year, she had written as follows in her secret journal. Should we be called on to weep over the early grave of the dear one whom we are now endeavoring to train for heaven? May we be able to remember that we never cease to pray for and watch over him? It is easy, comparatively, to watch over an infant. Yet shall I be sufficient for these things? I am not. But God is sufficient. In His strength I have begun the warfare. In His strength I will persevere. And I will faint not until either I myself or my little one is beyond the reach of early solicitude. That either she or I would be called away from earth, and that our physical separation was at hand, seems to have always been vaguely present in my mother's dreams as an obstinate conviction to be carefully recognized and jealously guarded against. It was not, however, until the course of my seventh year that the tragedy occurred which altered the whole course of our family existence. My mother had hitherto seemed strong and in good health. She had even made the remark to my father that sorrow and pain, the badges of Christian discipleship, appeared to be withheld from her. On her birthday, which was to be her last, she had written these ejaculations in her locked diary. Lord, forgive the sins of the past and help me to be faithful in future. May this be a year of much blessing, a year of jubilee. May I be kept lowly, trusting, loving. May I have more blessing than in all former years combined. May I be happier as a wife, mother, sister, writer, mistress, friend. But a symptom began to alarm her, and in the beginning of May, having consulted a local physician without being satisfied, she went to see a specialist in a northern suburb, in whose judgment she had great confidence. This occasion I recollect with extreme vividness. I had been put to bed by my father in itself a noteworthy event. My crib stood near a window overlooking the street. My parents' ancient fore-poster, a relic of the eighteenth century, hid me from the door. But I could see the rest of the room. After falling asleep on this particular evening, I awoke silently, surprised to see two lighted candles on the table, and my father seated, writing by them. I also saw a little meal arranged. While I was wondering at all this, the door opened, and my mother entered the room. She emerged from behind the bed-curtains, with her bonded on, having returned from her expedition. My father rose hurriedly, pushing back his chair. There was a pause, while my mother seemed to be steadying her voice, and then she replied loudly and distinctly. He said it is, and then she mentioned one of the most cruel maladies by which our poor mortal nature can be tormented. Then I saw them hold one another in a long, silent embrace, and presently sink together out of sight on their knees at the farther side of the bed, whereupon my father lifted up his voice in prayer. Neither of them had noticed me, and now I lay back on my pillow and fell asleep. Next morning, when we three sat at breakfast, my mind reverted to the scene of the previous night. With my eyes on my plate as I was cutting up my food, I asked casually, What is—? Mentioning the disease whose unfamiliar name I had heard from my bed. Receiving no reply, I looked up to discover why my question was not answered, and I saw my parents gazing at each other with lamentable eyes. In some way I know not how I was conscious of the presence of an incommunicable mystery, and I kept silence, though tortured with curiosity, nor did I ever repeat my inquiry. About a fortnight later my mother began to go three times a week, all the long way from Islington to Pimlico, in order to visit a certain practitioner who undertook to apply a special treatment to her case. This involved great fatigue and distress to her, but so far as I was personally concerned it did me a great deal of good. I invariably accompanied her, and when she was very tired and weak I enjoyed the pride of believing that I protected her. The movement, the exercise, the occupation, lifted my morbid fears and superstitions like a cloud. The medical treatment to which my poor mother was subjected was very painful, and she had a peculiar sensitiveness to pain. She carried on her evangelical work as long as she possibly could, continuing to converse with her fellow passengers on spiritual matters. It was wonderful that a woman so reserved and proud, as she by nature was, could conquer so completely her natural timidity. In those last months she scarcely ever got into a railway carriage or into an omnibus without presently offering tracks to the person sitting within reach of her, or endeavoring to begin a conversation with someone of the sufficiency of the blood of Jesus to cleanse the human heart from sin. Her manners were so gentle and persuasive, she looked so innocent, her small, sparkling features were lighted up with so much benevolence that I do not think she ever met with discourtesy or roughness. In meditative imp that I was, I sometimes took part in these strange conversations and was mightily puffed up by compliments paid in whispers to my infant piety, but my mother very properly discouraged this as tending in me to spiritual pride. If my parents, in their desire to separate themselves from the world, had regretted that through their happiness they seemed to have forfeited the Christian privilege of affliction, they could not continue to complain of any absence of temporal adversity. Everything seemed to combine in the course of this fatal year, 1856, to harass and alarm them. Just as the moment when illness created a special drain upon their resources, their slender income, instead of being increased, was seriously diminished. There is little sympathy felt in this world of rhetoric for the silent sufferings of the genteel poor, yet there is no class that deserves a more charitable commiseration. At the best of times the money which my parents had to spend was an exicuous and inelastic sum, strictly economical, proud, in an old-fashioned mode now quite out of fashion, to conceal the fact of their poverty, painfully scrupulous to avoid giving inconvenience to shop people, tradesmen, or servants. Their whole financial career had to be carried on with the adroitness of a campaign through a hostile country. But now, at the moment when fresh pressing claims were made on their resources, my mother's small capital suddenly disappeared. It had been placed on bad advice, they were children in such matters, in a cornish mine, the grotesque name of which, Wheel Maria, became familiar to my ears. One day the river Tamer, in a playful mood, broke into Wheel Maria, and not a penny more was ever lifted from that unfortunate enterprise. About the same time, a small annuity which my mother had inherited, also ceased to be paid. On my father's books and lectures, therefore, the whole weight now rested, and at that a moment when he was depressed and unnerved by anxiety. It was contrary to his principles to borrow money, so that it became necessary to pay doctors and chemists bills punctually. And yet to carry on the little household with a very small margin. Each artifice of economy was now exercised to enable this to be done without falling into debt, and every branch of expenditure was cut down. Clothes, books, the little garden which was my father's pride, all felt the pressure of new poverty. Even our food, which had always been simple, now became spartan indeed. And I am sure that my mother often pretended to have no appetite that there might remain enough to satisfy my hunger. Fortunately, my father was able to take us away in the autumn for six weeks by the sea in Wales, the expenses of this tour being paid for by a professional engagement, so that my seventh birthday was spent in an ecstasy of happiness, on golden sands, under a brilliant sky, and in sight of the glorious azure ocean beating in from an infinitude of melting horizons. Here, too, my mother perched in a nook of the high rocks, surveyed the West, and forgot for a little while her weakness and the annoying grinding pain. But in October, our sorrows seemed to close in upon us. We went back to London, and for the first time in their married life my parents were divided. My mother was now so seriously weaker that the omnibus journeys to Pimlico became impossible. My father could not leave his work, and so my mother and I had to take a gloomy lodging close to the doctor's house. The experiences upon which I presently entered were of a nature in which childhood rarely takes apart. I was now my mother's soul and ceaseless companion, the silent witness of her suffering, of her patience, of her vain and delusive attempts to attain alleviation of her anguish. For nearly three months I breathed the atmosphere of pain, saw no other light, heard no other sounds, thought no other thoughts than those which accompany physical suffering and weariness. To my memory these weeks seem years I have no measure of their monotony. The lodgings were bare and yet tawdry. Out of dingy windows we looked from a second story upon a dull small street drowned in autumnal fog. My father came to see us when he could, but otherwise save when we made our morning expedition to the doctor or when a slatternly girl waited upon us with our distasteful meals we were alone without any other occupation than to look forward to that occasional abatement of suffering which was what we hoped for most. It is difficult for me to recollect how these interminable hours were spent, but I read aloud in a great part of them. I have now in my mind's cabinet a picture of my chair turned towards the window, partly that I might see the book more distinctly, partly not to see quite so distinctly that dear patient figure rocking on her sofa or leaning like a funeral statue, like a muse upon a monument with her head on her arms against the mantelpiece. I read the Bible every day and at much length. Also, with I cannot think but some praiseworthy patience, a book of incommunicable dreariness called Newton's Thoughts on the Apocalypse. Newton bore a great resemblance to my older version, Juke's, and I made a sort of playful compact with my mother that if I read aloud a certain number of pages out of Thoughts on the Apocalypse as a reward I should be allowed to recite my own favorite hymns. Among these was one which united her suffrages with mine. Both of us extremely admired the peace by toplity which begins, what though my frail eyelids refuse, continual watchings to keep, and punctual as midnight renews demand the refreshment of sleep. To this day I cannot repeat this hymn without a sense of poignant emotion, nor can I pretend to decide how much of this is due to its merit and how much to the peculiar nature of the memories it recalls. But it might be as rude as I genuinely think it to be skillful, and I should continue to regard it as a sacred poem. Among all my childhood memories none is clearer than my looking up, after reading in my high treble. Kind author and ground of my hope, thee, thee, for my God I avow, my glad Ebenezer set up, an own thou has helped me till now. I muse on the years that are past, wherein my defense, thou has proved, nor wilt thou relinquish at last a sinner so signally loved. And hearing my mother, her eyes brimming with tears, and her alabasteren fingers tightly locked together, murmur an unconscious repetition, nor wilt thou relinquish at last a sinner so signally loved. In our lodgings at Pimlico I came across a piece of verse which exercised a lasting influence on my taste. It was called the Cameroonian's Dream, and it had been written by a certain James Hyslop, a schoolmaster on a man of war. I do not know how it came into my possession, but I remember it was adorned by an extremely dim and ill-executed woodcut of a lake surrounded by mountains with tombstones in the foreground. This legubria's frontispiece positively fascinated me, and lent a further gloomy charm to the ballad itself. It was in this copy of mediocre verses that the sense of romance first appealed to me. The kind of nature romance which is connected with hills and lakes and the picturesque costumes of old times. The following stanza, for instance, brought a revelation to me. It was a dream of those ages of darkness and blood, when the minister's home was the mountain and wood, when in Wellwood's dark valley, the standard of Zion, all bloody and torn, among the heather was lying. I persuaded my mother to explain to me what it was all about, and she told me of the affliction of the Scottish saints, their flight to the waters and the wilderness, their cruel murder while they were singing their last song to the God of salvation. I was greatly fired by the following stanza in particular, reached by ideal of the sublime. The muskets were flashing, the blue swords were gleaming, the helmets were cleft, and the red blood was streaming. The heavens drew dark, and the thunder was rolling, when in Wellwood's dark myriulins, the mighty were falling. Twenty years later I met with the only other person whom I have ever encountered who had even heard of the Cameroonian's dream. This was Robert Louis Stevenson, who had been greatly struck by it when he was about my age, probably the same ephemeral addition of it reached at the same time each of our pious households. As my mother's illness progressed, she could neither sleep, save by the use of opiates, nor rest except in a sloping posture propped up by many pillows. It was my great joy and a pleasant diversion to be allowed to shift, beat up, and rearrange these pillows, a task which I learned to accomplish not too awkwardly. Her sufferings, I believe, were principally caused by the violence of the medicaments to which her doctor, who was trying a new and fantastic cure, thought it proper to subject her. Let those who take a pessimistic view of our social progress ask themselves whether such tortures could today be inflicted on a delicate patient or whether that patient would be allowed to exist in the greatest misery in allodging with no professional nurse to wait upon her, and with no companion but a little helpless boy of seven years of age. Time passes smoothly and swiftly, and we do not perceive the mitigations which he brings in his hands. Everywhere in the whole system of human life, improvements, alleviations, and ingenious appliances, and humane inventions are being introduced to lessen the great burden of suffering. If we were suddenly transplanted into the world of only fifty years ago, we should be startled, and even horror-stricken by the wretchedness to which the step backwards would reintroduce us. It was in the very year of which I am speaking, a year of which my personal memories are still vivid, that Sir James Simpson received the Montaigne Prize as a recognition of his discovery of the use of anesthetics. Can our thoughts embrace the mitigation of human torment which the application of chloroform alone has caused? My early experiences, I confess, made me singularly conscious at an age when one should know nothing about these things, of that torrent of sorrow, and anguish, and terror which flows under all footsteps of man. Within my childish conscience already some dim inquiry was wasted and I was taken aback as to the meaning of this mystery of pain. The floods of the tears meet and gather. The sound of them all grows like thunder. Oh, into what bosom I wonder is poured the whole sorrow of years? For eternity only seems keeping, account of the great human weeping. May God then, the Maker and Father, may he find a place for the tears. In my mother's case the savage treatment did no good. It had to be abandoned. And a day or two before Christmas, while the fruits were piled in the shop fronts and the butchers were shouting outside the forests of carcasses, my father brought us back in a cab through the streets to Islington, a feeble and languishing company. Our invalid bore the journey fairly well, enjoying the air and pointing out to me the glittering evidences of the season. But we paid heavily for her little entertainment, since, at her earnest wish, the window of the cab having been kept open, she caught a cold which became indeed the technical cause of a death that no applications could now have long delayed. Yet she lingered with us six weeks more, and during this time I again relapsed very naturally into solitude. She now had the care of a practiced woman, one of the saints from the chapel, and I was only permitted to pay brief visits to her bedside, that I might not be kept indoors all day and every day a man, also connected with the meeting-house, was paid a trifle to take me out for a walk each morning. This person, who was by turns familiar and truculent, was the object of my intense dislike. Our relations became, in the truest sense, forced. I was obliged to walk by his side, but I held that I had no further responsibility to be agreeable, and after a while I ceased to speak to him or to answer his remarks. On one occasion, poor dreary man, he met a friend and stopped to chat with him. I considered this act to have dissolved the bond. I skipped lightly from his side, examined several shop windows which I had been forbidden to look into, made several darts down courts and up passages, and finally, after a delightful morning, returned home, having known my directions perfectly. My official conductor, in a shocking condition of fear, was crouching by the area of rails, looking up and down the street. He darted upon me in a great rage to know what I meant by it. I drew myself up as tall as I could and hissed, blind leader of the blind at him. And with this inappropriate, but very effective, Parthian shot, slipped into the house. When it was quite certain that no alleviations and no medical care could prevent, or even any longer postpone the departure of my mother, I believed that my future conduct became the object of her greatest and most painful solicitude. She said to my father that the worst trial of her faith came from the feeling that she was called upon to leave that child whom she had so carefully trained from his earliest infancy for the peculiar service of the Lord, without any knowledge of what his further course would be. In many conversations she most tenderly and closely urged my father who, however, needed no urging to watch with unceasing care over my spiritual welfare. As she grew near her end it was observed that she became calmer and less troubled by fears about me. The intensity of her prayers and hopes seemed to have a prevailing force. It would have been a sin to doubt that such supplications, such confidence and devotion, such an emphasis of will, should not be rewarded by an answer from above in the affirmative. She was able, as she said, to leave me in the hands of her loving Lord, or on another occasion to the care of her covenant God. Although her faith was so strong and simple my mother possessed no quality of the mystic. She never pretended to any visionary gifts, believed not at all in dreams or portents, and encouraged nothing in herself or others which was superstitious or fantastic. In order to realize her condition of mind it is necessary, I think, to accept the view that she had formed a definite conception of the absolute, unmodified and historical ferocity. In its direct and obvious sense of every statement contained within the covers of the Bible, for her and for my father nothing was symbolic, nothing allegorical or elusive in any part of scripture, except what was, in so many words, proffered as a parable or a picture. Pushing this to its extreme limit and allowing nothing for the changes of scene or time or race, my parents read injunctions to the Corinthian converts without any suspicion that what was opposite in dealing with half-breed Achaean colonists of the first century might not exactly apply to respectable English men and women of the nineteenth. They took it text by text as if no sort of difference existed between the surroundings of time-multian's feast and those of a city dinner. Both my parents, I think, were devoid of sympathetic imagination. In my father I am sure it was singularly absent. Hence, although their faith was so strenuous that many persons might have called it fanatical, there was no mysticism about them. They went rather to the opposite extreme, to the cultivation of a rigid and iconoclastic literalness. This was curiously exemplified in the very lively interest which they both took in what is called the interpretation of prophecy and particularly in unwrapping dark sayings bound up in the book of Revelation. In their impartial survey of the Bible they came to this collection of solemn and splendid visions sinister and obscure, and they had no intention of allowing these to be merely stimulating to the fancy or vaguely doctrinal ensemble. When they read of seals broken and of vials poured forth and of the star which was called Wormwood that fell from heaven, and of men whose hair was as the hair of women, and their teeth was as the teeth of lions, they did not admit for a moment that these vivid mental pictures were of a poetic character, but they regarded them as positive statements in guarded language describing events which were to happen, and could be recognized when they did happen. It was the explanation, the perfectly prosaic and positive explanation of all these wonders which drew them to study the Habershawns and the Newtons whose books they so much enjoyed. They were helped by these guides to recognize in wild oriental visions direct statements regarding Napoleon III and Pope Pius IX, and the King of Piedmont, historic figures which they conceived as foreshadowed in language which admitted of plain interpretation under the names of denizens of Babylon and companions of the wild beast. My father was in the habit of saying in later years that no small element in his wedded happiness had been the fact that my mother and he were of one mind in the interpretation of sacred prophecy. Looking back it appears to me that this unusual mental exercise was almost their only relaxation, and that in their economy it took the place which is taken in profaner families by cards or the piano. It was a distraction, it took them completely out of themselves. During those melancholy weeks at Pimlico I read aloud another work of the same nature as those of Habershan and Jukes, the Hore Apocalipte of Mr. Elliot. This was written, I think, in a less disagreeable style, and certainly it was less opaically obscure to me. My recollection distinctly is that when my mother could endure nothing else the arguments of this book took her thoughts away from her pain and lifted her spirits. Elliot saw the queenly arrogance of potpourri everywhere, and believed that the very last days of Babylon the great were came. Lest I say what may be thought extravagant let me quote what my father wrote in his diary at the time of my mother's death. He said that the thought that Rome was doomed, as seemed not impossible in 1857, so affected my mother that it irradiated her dying hours with an assurance that was like the light of the morning star, the harbinger of the rising sun. After our return to Islington there was a complete change in my relation to my mother. At Pimlico I had been all important, her only companion, her friend, her confidant, but now that she was at home again people and things combined to separate me from her. Now, and for the first time in my life, I no longer slept in her room, no longer sank to sleep under her kiss, no longer saw her mild eyes smile on me with the earliest sunshine. Twice a day, after breakfast and before I went to rest, I was brought to her bedside, but we were never alone. Other people, sometimes strange people, were there. We had no cozy talk. Often she was too weak to do more than pat my hand, her loud and almost constant cough terrified and harassed me. I felt as I stood awkwardly and shyly by her high bed that I had shrunken into a very small and insignificant figure that she was floating out of my reach, that all things, but I knew not what nor how were coming to an end. She herself was not herself, her head, that used to be held so erect, now rolled or sank upon the pillow. The sparkle was all extinguished from those bright dear eyes. I could not understand it. I meditated long, long upon it, all in my infantile darkness in the garret, or in the little slip of a cold room where my bed was now placed. And a great blind anger against I knew not what awakened in my soul. Two retreats which I have mentioned were now all that were left to me. And the back parlor, someone from outside, gave me occasional lessons of a desultory character. The breakfast room was often haunted by visitors, unknown to me by face or name, ladies who used to pity me, and even to pet me, until I became nimble and escaping from their caresses. Everything seemed to be unfixed, uncertain. It was like being on the platform of a railway station waiting for a train. In all this time, the agitated, nervous presence of my father, whose pale face was permanently drawn with anxiety, added to my perturbation, and I became miserable, stupid, as if I had lost my way in a cold fog. Had I been older and more intelligent, of course, it might have been of him and not of myself that I should have been thinking. As I now look back upon that tragic time, it is for him that my heart bleeds, for them both, so singularly fitted as they were to support and cheer one another in an existence which their own innate and cultivated characteristics had made little hospitable to other sources of comfort. This is not to be dwelt on here, but what must be recorded was the extraordinary tranquility, the serene and sensible resignation with which at length my parents faced the awful hour. Language cannot utter what they suffered, but there was no rebellion, no repining. In their case, even an atheist might admit that the overpowering miracle of grace was mightily efficient. It seems almost cruel to the memory of their opinions that the only words which rise to my mind, the only ones which seem in the least degree adequate to describe the attitude of my parents, had fallen from the pen of one whom in their want of imaginative sympathy they had regarded as anathema. But John Henry Newman might have come from the contemplation of my mother's deathbed when he wrote, all the trouble which the world inflicts upon us, which flesh cannot but feel sorrow, pain, care, bereavement. These avail not to disturb the tranquility and the intensity upon which faith gazes at the divine majesty. It was tranquility, it was not the radpure of the mystic. Almost in the last hour of her life urged to confess her joy in the Lord, my mother, rigidly honest, meticulous and self-analysis as ever replied, I have peace but not joy. It would not do to go into eternity with a lie in my mouth. When the very end approached and her mind was growing clouded, she gathered her strength together to say to my father, I shall walk with him in white. Won't you take your lamb and walk with me? Confused with sorrow and alarm, my father failed to understand her meaning. She became agitated and she repeated two or three times, take our lamb and walk with me. Then my father comprehended and pressed me forward. Her hand fell softly upon mine, and she seemed content. Thus was my dedication that had begun in my cradle, sealed with the most solemn, the most poignant and irresistible insistence at the deathbed of the holiest and purest of women. But what a weight, intolerable as the burden of Atlas, to lay on the shoulders of a little fragile child.