 Ladies and gentlemen, Nicky Glazer. Oh my gosh. It was like you guys chose to do that on your own. Thank you so much. It's so good to be here. I am a comedian, so just get ready for that. I might say some inappropriate things. We're all cool with it. OK, OK. We're more than cool. I am here tonight because I care about also because, more because Jennifer Lawrence asked me to be here. My dear, dear friend Jennifer, she, you know, I said I'd do it if I can call you my dear, dear friend Jennifer. And her assistant hasn't gotten back to me on that. But I just went with it because, you know, we're best friends. So that's kind of how that works. It's true. I'd be here if it was a Nambla conference, if Jennifer asked me. It's I have no moral compass. I, Jennifer Lawrence asked you to jump. You say, how high and off what building? And are we jumping together? I love you. Is this a suicide pack? Let's do it. Oh, just me. I'll do it still. That's what you say. I actually do care about this cause. So that's kind of rad because I'd be here anyway. But it's pretty sweet. I usually, like, I don't like to talk about politics in my act because I'm stupid. And I just feel like I don't know things. And whenever I post something on Instagram about Trump, I always get some troll being like, shut up, you thin-lipped bitch. And I'm like, oh god, it really hurts because I don't have lips. And I'm up here. But you know, I'm not going to go into, hey, hey, hey. No, but I don't know things. And I get nervous when people talk about politics around me. I just kind of clam up. Someone mentioned Syria. I was like, oh, I heard they merged with XM. And that's been good for them or whatever. And it's like, I finally learned what a super pack was. I just thought it was like a big pack of gum sold at Costco. But apparently, it's something way worse. But yeah, I care about this. I really do. I think it's fucked up that you can just buy votes and buy Congress people. It's just when you really look at the facts, like I watched the videos on the website, and I was blown away. Whether or not people care about an issue has zero impact, like it's no impact. I'm like, that's hard to swallow. And I don't say that things are hard to swallow often. That's an oral sex joke. And I, no impact, no impact. That's nuts. Like that's, it's almost like, you know what it's like? It's like the number of nude pictures I send my ex-boyfriend has no impact on whether he'll take me back or not. That's how it feels. And that's also why we're here tonight. I want you guys to put in a good word if you know him. You don't. It is crazy. You can just buy votes. And that's what's so cool is because when you're not, not being paid, you, you do what you care about. You do what you do what the people want. And that's why I'm so grateful I'm not being paid tonight because if I were, oh my God, can you imagine how boring this would be if they actually paid me, but they didn't. So I'm gonna talk about my pussy because it's what the people want. I can tell. I can tell. Oh goodness. We'll get to it later. We really will. I hope some of you do too. Later, later. I'm at the Sheridan Room 1113. Why did I give the real number? I could have obviously thought of a different number, but I chose not to because I love it here in New Orleans. I really do. It's so cool. This is happening here. It's a weird time for me to be in because I'm sober. I don't know if anyone has ever been sober in New Orleans, but it's the worst. It's like being a Mormon at an orgy. That's how it feels. It really feels that way. I wanna take part and I can't. I miss it. I miss drinking. Tonight I took out one contact lens just so I could feel a little drunk and make a couple mistakes. So I hope that goes. I hope that happens. No, but I love it here. I love the Big Easy. It's not just because it was my nickname in high school. It's also because it's just a beautiful town with so much history. God, what else? Here's the thing. This is what's kinda cool about why we're all here. I love something that has a solution. There's a clear solution in place that I don't really know the details of, but there's a way to remedy this, right? That's not the case with so much stuff. Most things you're just like, we're kinda screwed. And there's no global warming. It's over. It's nice try. Remember when Al Gore tried to warn us and was like, well, you have 15 years before it's all, it's just like, we were like, whatever, Al. You invented the internet too. Shut up and now everything's ruined. But no, this has a good outcome and what else was I gonna say? Let me look at my notes just to make sure I hit everything I wanna hit. Oh, I'm here because Amy Schumer canceled. What else? I wish that weren't true. I wish that was just a joke, but I'll take her scraps. I'll take them. Dear God. Oh my God. And it's not a partisan issue. I learned that word this week and that was cool. That's good. Both sides of the fence can agree on this. The fence, not the wall that hasn't been built yet, but I feel like even the other side of the wall, Mexico, they would agree that government corruption sucks. I hear they have it there. I watched Narcos, so I've heard they'd be on board with this. Yeah, I did some research to get ready for tonight because like I said, I'm a real dumb, like the only thing I know about government is the reason we're here, which is that it doesn't work for us. Like that's literally all I know. So that was kind of nice to get into. But I did some research of like how a bill becomes a law. So I watched the Schoolhouse Rock video. Yes, we all love it. I don't know if you've seen the updated version, but they just recently updated it. Like so instead of just being a bill that sits on Capitol Hill, he's now like really tan and skiing an Aspen on a trip paid for by Monsanto. I don't know if you've seen it. That's a cool. Check it out. Oh God. Okay, yeah, this is my point. Okay, now we're gonna get to like jokes that are tried and true, but this has been good so far. I feel really good about this. My best friend, Jennifer, is gonna be so happy. We're like sisters. We are sisters. Is that weird? I'm her. Maybe not. That's a little far. I can do an impression of her. She doesn't even know I can do this. I'm Jennifer Lawrence. That's my impression. That's it. I can only say her saying her name. I can do a Jennifer Aniston impression that usually brings down the fucking house. Here we go. Oh, oh, that's it. That's all it is. Oh my God. Guys, stop it. Oh, oh, oh. What? No. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's it. Oh, that's all it is. Thank you. I think my time's almost up, but I did want to get to something. Okay, so here's my point. It's like, it's really cool that we can, this isn't just a problem that we're like, it's a problem. What do we do? There's a solution to it. And like I said, so often there's no solutions. Like, there's no solution to, I'm really frustrated lately with aging. Like, you can't stop it, you know? It's like, really, I just moved out of LA to New York where people are uglier just to feel a little bit better about myself. Because I'm 33 and it's not looking great. It's, and it got to me in my last months in LA. Can I just be honest with you guys? I got Botox and all my friends are like, don't do it, no. And I'm like, you're gonna need it if you keep making that face. Like just a warning, that's how I needed it. I really recommend Botox for those of you in the room that might, like if you're really a nice person, I feel like I'm always so empathetic. I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And now I just, I can't be that way because my forehead's frozen. It's kind of fun. I have a resting bitch face that I've never had. And so it's good, like I went to a funeral recently and I was like, I'm sorry, your dad died. And I was sorry, but I just gave off the impression that like maybe I killed him. It was kind of cool. It's just like I'm very sorry for his loss. So yeah, Botox, I got, okay, I haven't really admitted this to like everyone, but I, because of those trolls that say, shut up you thin lip bitch. I got the ones here tonight, one just clapped, like she read my comment. I did, sir. And I spent $800 to get it fixed. I got my lips done, which I really regret doing. It was just because, because I've never had a lip. And I was like, I wanna try one, you know, for once in my life. By the way, they're already gone. Don't look for them. They're not, there's nowhere to be found. They disappeared, my body metabolized them already. It sucks. It's the most expensive, disappointing meal of my life. Here's the thing about getting your lips done. Okay, so I went in to go do it because I'm scared of aging. And the woman was like, okay. Oh, she walked in with a syringe. She looked insane. I had prepaid or I would have left, but she looked so scary. She, okay, you know how they say, never trust a skinny chef. Well, never trust a plastic surgeon who looks like a shiny cat. Like that's also some sage advice. Because this woman was either 24 or 79. Like she was, you know how like board games have like ages two to 90 knots? Like she was a board game range of age. And she was like, are you ready? And I was like, yeah. And she goes, don't worry. Listen, I know you're worried. I know subtlety. And I was like, you don't know mirrors then because look at you, you shiny sphinx. She was like, duh. And so, but she put me at ease because she showed me a book of like before and afters. And she was like, pick out which lip she want. And I found, I was like those, you know. And she was like, that's a vagina. And I was like, I know that's exactly what I want. That's the look I'm going for. I feel like God fucked up on me. Like I feel like he, I got switched. Like I feel like an Ikea desk that he hastily put together, you know what I mean? Where he's like, that's fine. And it kind of wobbles, but he's like, I'm not, no, I'm not taking it apart to put away the other end where it are. Okay, I really have to go. I've been told I look younger without makeup. Some good times guys say that. One guy was like, you look 24 without makeup. And I was complimented. And then I realized he just meant I looked like Kiefer Sutherland when he stressed out. So, all right, thank you guys very much. Good night.