 We spent some time in an earlier video differentiating interpersonal communication from impersonal communication and sort of defining what is it that makes communication? Interpersonal and relationships interpersonal and one of the factors that we talked about was self-disclosure that interpersonal relationships involve Self-disclosure they involve sharing something of ourselves with others So I like to spend some time in this video talking about self-disclosure as a part of the self and and just how that Factors into relationships some of the risks the benefits things like that. So let's start by defining self-disclosure What do we mean by that? Well self-disclosure is the purposeful disclosure of personal information to another person So it seems pretty straightforward. It is pretty straightforward But there are a couple of elements here that we're going to take a look at and break this down a little bit further By looking at some of the principles of self-disclosure Some of the principles of self-disclosure some of the underlying foundational things about self-disclosure that we need to know First is that self-disclosure as the name would indicate involves the self as the subject Doesn't count as self-disclosure if you're talking about somebody else if you're telling a story about somebody else for sharing information about somebody else That's not self-disclosure. That's disclosure of others But but it's not self-disclosure self-disclosure has you yourself as the subject self-disclosure has to be intentional For it to be classified as self-disclosure. It can't be Accidental that somebody overhears you telling somebody else where they find something out about you Accidentally or without your knowledge you let it slip. That's not self-disclosure by definition I mean they still have that information, but self-disclosure is intentional you mean to share that information with the other person Self-disclosure is also directed at another person. It's not just shouted into the ether You're not just talking to your pet or you know, you're talking to your dog and somebody overhears again It has to be intentional has to be directed at another person It's not self-disclosure if you're writing it in your journal with the expectation that nobody will read it That's not self-disclosure That's that's you know again. They have that information that's disclosure, but it's not Self-disclosure as it would relate to an interpersonal relationship In addition, we know the self-disclosure has to be honest It's not self-disclosure if you're telling somebody something that's not true doesn't count as self-disclosure Self-disclosure has to be honest. It also has to be information unavailable from other sources It's not really self-disclosure for me to say to you if we were if we were meeting just like this It's for me to say to you I wear glasses or I'm you know going a little bald on top I'm losing my hair with things like that would not be self-disclosure. They're they're readily apparent there You know that information is available from other sources or if I'm somebody famous and you know who I am It wouldn't be self-disclosure for me to say, you know, I'm an actor. I'm an athlete or whatever if I already knew that That's that's not really self-disclosure Finally self-disclosure the intimate nature of self-disclosure comes from the context Usually when we're disclosing something and engaging in self-disclosure It's not in a crowded, you know bar or a concert where we're shouting out. Hey, did you know this about me? Right? It comes from an intimate nature The intimate nature comes from the context in which we share it because usually we're sharing it You know when we were one-on-one, maybe we even lower our voices and we get serious more telling people about ourselves but that's sort of the the the context Leads to that intimate nature and that's what makes part of what makes self-disclosure have that sense of intimacy is that that's shared in those types of environments and context There are a couple of ways that we look at self-disclosure. I want to take a look at a couple models of self-disclosure Let me note first of all that neither one of these really has to do with the health of a relationship or you know That whether it's a positive Factor in somebody's life or a negative one These are just ways that we look at self-disclosure and observe self-disclosure and ways to conceptualize it differently The first one is called social penetration model social penetration model Now whether you realize it or not There's a pretty good chance that you are familiar with social penetration model It's explained fairly well and fairly succinctly in a very popular movie from this a little older But you've probably seen it when you were when you were younger if you're younger So social penetration theory is sometimes called the onion theory if that helps you at all The onion theory is something that comes up really in the movie Shrek If you remember their first movie Shrek the first Shrek when Shrek explains to donkey that donkeys are like onions, right? They have layers what he's really explaining there is this idea of social penetration model There's a little more to it than that then then he explains But essentially that's what social penetration model is It's the onion theory and we call it that because it does imply that people have these layers and that social penetration takes place on a couple Different axes that there's the idea of depth and breadth involved in social and self-disclosure, right? And what we disclose to other people is you know Happens on these two axes first of all, there's a breadth of information about everybody There's lots of things to know about us in different categories if you want to envision it You can almost I know it's an onion, but we can almost slice it up like a pie and each piece would be a different part of our life So there's there's Me as there's my family, right? There's my family. That's that's one part of my life That's one piece of him from piece of the pie of information about me. There's music. I love music And so I love talking about music and movies and things so that I just call that entertainment How's that there's my entertainment interest my pop culture interest There's my interest in politics and my interest in sports and so forth all these are different areas of me that provide that breath Different slices of that pie, right? And then within that you have depth of each of those areas and every area could be different Maybe when we're talking we talk a lot about music and sports And so the depth in that area for each for you and I would be would be deep Would that you know, we'd be getting closer to peeling back more layers of that onion But maybe in other areas, maybe if we don't know each other that well Then you may not know that much about my family or my political Thinking or things like that, right? And so the depth is not as has not penetrated as much there in self-disclosure So again, this doesn't it's not a measure of the health of a relationship It's just a measure of the breadth and depth of Self-disclosure in a relationship in a way to conceptualize that so it's kind of an interesting way to think about self-disclosure in those Regards that we have these layers and that there's different levels of breadth and depth with which we disclose and they're not all even We don't just share Evenly as we go through there, right in one area You may have just superficial information that you've shared other areas You may have very personal information that you've shared. So anyway, that's a social penetration model The other model I wanted to share with you and just discuss very briefly is called the Joe Harry window It's called that because the people who developed that were named Joe and Harry So not totally creative, but still the Joe Harry window Has this as at its core, right? This is the window and it has these four boxes So it's a box and it has these four boxes four areas within that box within the window and The Joe Harry window stipulates that that it says that people have all these four areas in terms of self-disclosure That we have in one area that's open and free that everybody Clearly knows about us You don't have to spend much time with this for any time with us at all again The fact that I wear glasses the fact I lose my hair I'm the fact if you're watching this that I'm a communication professor and that's my area of Academic background that's open and free information. It's out there for everybody It's something that I know about myself and recognize about myself and it's also things that other people recognize about me The blind area are things in that second box that it indicates there The blind area are things that other people see about me that I don't see about me Right. So if you were to ask my wife, I would have all kinds of information It's blind area things that she sees in me that I don't see in me, right? She would tell you about my you know that I'm that I get irritated quickly and maybe I don't think I do but But she sees that and other people may see that that doesn't take long for me to get frustrated Which is why she handles all the conversations with you know That deal with salespeople or anything like that because she's very patient and very friendly and I am not the second things You know look like they're not gonna happen that I just I'm like, okay. I'm hanging up. I'll see you there So that's one of my blind spots though that I don't necessarily see in myself But other people see in me other people may see a talent in you or a key characteristic in you that you don't recognize about yourself That's the blind area. So others see it. You do not We go to that third area and it kind of flip-flops the blind area These are things that I know to be true about myself or that I think are true about myself that I've kept hidden from other people Maybe I'm an all-star singer and you don't know it. Maybe I have this angelic voice But I don't like to sing in front of people so nobody knows and I keep that to myself, right? Maybe that's that's hidden from other people I don't disclose that to other people very often. So So that would be in my hidden area. These are things that are known to me But not to other people. Okay, so it's the flip-flop of that blind area Which is known to everybody else but not to you hidden is known to you and not to everybody else And then my favorite is the fourth box the fourth area here The unknown area. These are things that you don't know about yourself and nobody else knows either We don't know how you know, how would I respond to living on the moon? I Don't know. You don't know either, right? You nobody knows because I haven't done it When you know nobody has any idea How, you know, why am I fearful of sharks? I don't know. I have this thing about sharks I'll tell you that that I have this thing about sharks and and I don't know why I've never experienced a shark anything I live in Indiana I live in the middle of cornfields and things but I don't maybe it's because my brothers Let me watch Jaws too many times when I was young, but but I have this thing about sharks So nobody knows why I don't know nobody else really knows so That's unknown. That's so exciting to me that there are things that we don't know and others don't know about us either So So there are lots of those different kinds of areas too So each of these those going to be different for every relationship that you have though, right? Because some people know you better like like my wife my good friends my family my open and free area is big Is bigger because they know a lot about me and I know about that about myself the hidden area is smaller Those other areas are smaller. I don't keep as much from them, right? So my open area is bigger in certain relationships relationships with people that are close to me And then when we have relationships with people we don't know like them You know, maybe even strangers But when we're first getting to know somebody that open and free area is gonna be much smaller The hidden area is gonna be larger because we haven't told them a lot about us We're still trying to figure out if we can trust them with that information and so forth So the other areas are gonna be much bigger. Isn't that really interesting? I love the Joe Harry window just again It's a way to kind of Visualize it's a way to conceptualize how we Disclose information and how that impacts the relationship and what that might look like in this kind of context So anyway, just something really I think cool to think about Okay Now for the models of self-disclosure I want to talk a little bit about the benefits and then we're gonna talk about the risks. So but let's start with the upside What are some of the benefits of self-disclosure? I'm gonna be fairly quick with these and just kind of mention them These these are the reasons and the positive reasons that we that we self disclose first is catharsis It feels good. It feels good to get things off our chest, right? It feels like a weight has been lifting from your shoulder and so forth It can feel good to get things out in the open It can feel good to share things and it feels good when people share things with us, too Self-clarification can be a benefit when you when somebody's you know wonders why you are the way you are and you're able to explain them Well, this is why This is why I act this way or this is why I have this fear of that or this is why I'm so good at something You know self clarification can can be good Self-validation we do to validate ourselves when we do things We're proud of we want to share that with somebody else and and also to Feel validated within ourselves and also to receive that validation from others But but we express that for those reasons to reciprocity We know that when people self disclose people tend to self disclose in response in in healthy relationships So there are times, you know It's something to be on the lookout for if you're if you're disclosing and the other person is not then you may have to Think about is this person not comfortable disclosing or what's what's happening here? But oftentimes we do it because then people feel more comfortable sharing with us as well In from sorry impression formation we disclose so that people know more about us and so we can build that image We talk about impression management. We talked about the self as well here We talked about impression formation and and self disclosure can be a good way to help us develop That impression develop that face as we talked about and build that impression in others when we when we tell them about our achievements and things that it may help Kind of fortify the impression that we're trying to make with that person Relationship maintenance and enhancement. This is just a kind of natural and an important part of any interpersonal relationship that we feel comfortable self-disclosing and that the other person know that we feel comfortable self-disclosing It can it can help with that relationship And it can it can just enhance it when we do that and sometimes we have a moral obligation, you know recently here this pandemic the covid pandemic and if you had covid for example And you have a moral obligation to disclose that to those around you so that they understand that They may need to get tested as well, right that they that they may need to Take a look at that and and get to see a doctor and get treatment or whatever or at least isolate themselves So sometimes we have a moral disclosure to disclose, you know moral obligation to disclose information So those are positives those are the reasons that you know, we get the thumbs up for self-disclosing But there are also some risks when we when we when we disclose when we disclose to others There are some risks as well first of all the risk of rejection What if you know I confess to you as we're getting closer that I'm a dog person I have really loved dogs and I'm not really a cat person But you happen to be a cat person you might reject that might reject me as a result right might reject Because of that information so self-disclosure carries a risk of you know when you say, you know You care about someone or care about something. There's a risk that that person may reject you It could give a negative impression along the same lines, right? It could give a negative impression of you when you tell somebody, you know This is my political belief or I support this candidate or that candidate. They may think worse of you I would think worse of you told me you were an Ohio State fan As a big Michigan fan University of Michigan fan if you told me you were an Ohio State fan I think oh, wow, that's too bad. What's wrong with you, right? So that might carry a negative impression You might see a decrease in relational satisfaction if you have those things you have that negative impression you sharing information and and they're not they're not You know connecting with that information, and they don't find it appealing Then you may say a decrease in relational satisfaction Or if they're not comfortable with the level of self-disclosure it could see a decrease in the relational satisfaction as a result of that You may have a loss of influence When you when you share information with somebody if they're if they're not again if they're not in favor of it They may look to you less you may experience a loss of influence with that person or even a loss of control You lose their respect if the subordinate finds out that you've been lying or you've been stealing or you've been whatever Then and then you may lose control of that person. They may not feel like well I don't need to listen to this person. They don't have my respect my respect anymore because of what you told them There's always the potential that it could hurt the other person and that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it all time Sometimes that's still necessary, but but we need to consider that how is this going to impact the other person? It may make me feel better But is it going to hurt the other person? And if so is that really fair? Is that what I should be doing? If we are gonna self-disclosure a couple things we should think about a couple questions We should ask ourselves first Is this person important to me? If so then we need to consider self-disclosure because it is a significant part of an interpersonal relationship So make sure that person is important to you if they're not then maybe maybe it's not worth it Is the worth is the risk of disclosing? Reasonable is this is worth it in other words as I was just saying is the risk reasonable And if so then yeah, maybe move ahead if not then we may need to consider whether or not that's our best option Is the disclosure reciprocated or sorry? That's next I got ahead of myself is it is disclosure reciprocated? Let's do that one first is the other person sharing back if not Then what like I said before we need to may need to consider pulling back a little bit If you're sharing and sharing and sharing the other person's like I'm not They're not sharing then it may be because they're not comfortable with that We may need to consider that the one before that was is the self-disclosure appropriate again You don't want to get into the TMI situation right where you're sharing just too much information or the inappropriate kind of information Keep in mind what kind of relationship you have with that person is this a personal relationship or is this a professional relationship with a co-worker it's still okay to disclose in those situations, but maybe not disclose the same type of information the same level of information so So is it appropriate? Is it is it reciprocated and then will the effect be constructive on the whole? Is this going to have a positive impact? For this person for the other person and for me and for this relationship is it going to be constructive? So these are the types of questions We need to ask ourselves and sort of have a checklist in mind whether or not we should be self-disclosing in the first place Finally let's talk about what do you do if you don't want to disclose if it's not appropriate for or whatever? What are some alternatives to self-disclosure? Well one is just silence It's okay to be silent and somebody's disclosing to you or somebody says something and you you're not comfortable disclosing information It's okay to be quiet and just not say anything right sometimes. That's your best option You could lie not encouraging this, but I'm just saying it is an alternative to self-disclosure is lying And so you have the opportunity that you could lie and just share something else If you if you felt like self-disclosure was going to hurt you too much or hurt them too much then you have that option Equivocation is another you could just kind of hedge and Be vague and be abstract right and not not really say anything And in as an alternative to disclosing real information you could hint but not really say Exactly, but you're giving little hints, maybe But there are again, we need to consider what the ethics are in these types of situations In your own personal ethics, you're the one who's going to need to answer that the ethics of is it ever appropriate to lie? Is it ever appropriate to equivocate or hint or she just always be totally straightforward? I mean, I'm not sure that's exactly always the right thing either. So you're the person who's going to need to decide What's the best route here if I need an alternative to self-disclosure? What we do know is that self-disclosure is an important part of any relationship and so we need to consider You know, how much and what's the best way and is this what's this relationship and and and Determining whether or not self-disclosure is the best option and then if so, what kind and so forth You have questions about self-disclosure or anything else related to the self and communication. Please feel free to email me I'd love to hear from you and in the meantime I hope that you will be aware of your self-disclosure and the impact that it has on your interpersonal relationships