 CHAPTER 81 PART XII It is not to be supposed that I was perfectly easy when I was made acquainted with his purpose in declaration, as my whole family consisted of no more than a couple of women and one footmen. However, I summoned up my courage, which has been often tried and never forsake me in the day of danger, and sent him word that, if ever he should presume to approach my house, I would order him to be shot without ceremony. The fellow did not choose to put me to the trial and return to town without his errand, but as the place of my abode was now discovered, I laid my account with having a visit from his employer. I therefore planted spies upon the road with a promise of reward to him who should bring me the first intelligence of his lordship's approach. Accordingly I was one morning apprised of his coming, and mounting horse immediately with my woman and valet, away we rode in defiance of winter. In two days I traversed the wilds of Lincolnshire and hundreds of Essex, crossed the river at Tilbury, breakfasted at Chatham, by the help of a guide in moonlight arrived at Dover the same evening, embarked for Calais, in which place I found myself next day at two o'clock in the afternoon, and being heartily tired with my journey betook myself to rest. My maid, who was not able to travel with such expedition, followed me at an easier pace, and the footman was so astonished at my perseverance that he could not help asking me upon the road, if ever I was weary in my life. Certain it is, my spirits and resolution have enabled me to undergo fatigues that are almost incredible. From Calais I went to Brussels, where I again set up my rest in private lodgings. Was again perfectly well received by fashion people of that place, and by the interest of my friends obtained the Queen of Hungary's protection against the persecution of my husband while I should reside in the Austrian Netherlands. Thus secured I lived uncensured, conversing with the English company with which this city was crowded, but spent the most agreeable part of my time with the Countess of Callenburg, in whose house I generally dined and supped. And I also contracted an intimacy with the Princess of Chame, who was a great favourite with Madame de Herric, the Governor's Lady. I had not been long in this happy situation when I was disturbed by the arrival of Lord Hum, who demanded me of the Governor. But finding me sheltered from his power he set out for Vienna, and in consequence of his representations, strengthened with the Duke of Enne's name, my protection was withdrawn. But before this application he had gone to the camp and addressed himself to my Lord Stair, who was my particular friend and ally by my first marriage, desiring he would compel me to return to his house. His lordship told him that I was in no shape subject to his command, but invited him to dinner with a view of diverting himself in company at the expense of his guest. In the evening he was plied with so many bumpers to my health that he became intoxicated and extremely obstreperous, insisted upon seeing Lord Stair after he was retired to rest, and quarreled with Lord D., who being a tall, large, raw-bone scotchman, could have swallowed him at one mouthful. But he thought he might venture to challenge him in hopes of being put under arrest by the General, though he reckoned without his host. Lord Stair knew his disposition, and in order to punish his presumption, winked at the affair. The challenger, finding himself mistaken in his conjecture, got up early in the morning and went off post for Vienna. And Lord Stair desired a certain man of quality to make me a visit, and give me an account of his behaviour. Being now deprived of my protection and pin-money, which my generous husband would no longer pay, I was reduced to great difficulty in distress. The duchess to Ahrenberg, Lord G., and many other persons of distinction, interceded on my behalf with his Majesty, who was then abroad. But he refused to interpose between man and wife. The Countess of Callenberg wrote a letter to my father, in which she represented my uncomfortable situation, and undertook to answer for my conduct in case he would allow me a small annuity on which I could live independent of Lord whom, by all accounts, was a wretch with whom I could never enjoy the least happiness or quiet, otherwise she would be the first to advise me to an accommodation. She gave him to understand that her character was neither doubtful nor obscure, and that if my conduct there had not been irreproachable, she should not have taken me under her protection. That as I proposed to board in a convent, a small sum would answer my occasions. But if that should be denied, I would actually go to service, or take some other desperate step, to avoid the man who was my bane in aversion. To this kind remonstrance, my father answered that his fortune would not allow him to assist me. He now had a young family, and that I ought at all events to return to my husband. By this time such was the extremity of my circumstances, that I was forced upon my clothes and every trifling trinket in my possession, and even to descend so far as to solicit Mr. S. for a loan of fifty pounds, which he refused. Thus was I deserted in my distress by two persons, to whom in the season of my affluence my purse had always been open. Nothing so effectually subdues a spirit unused to supplicate, as want. Repulsed in this manner, I had recourse to Lord B., who was also, it seems, unable to relieve my necessities. This mortification I deserved at his hands, though he had once put it in my power to be above all such paltry applications. And I should not have been compelled to the disagreeable task of troubling my friends had I not voluntarily resigned what he formerly gave me. As to the other gentleman, to whom I addressed myself on this occasion, I think he might have shown more regard to my situation. Not only for the reasons already mentioned, but because he knew me too well to be ignorant of what I must have suffered in condescending to make such a request. Several officers, who guessed my adversity, generously offered to supply me with money. But I could not bring myself to make use of their friendship, or even to own my distress except to one person, of whom I borrowed a small sum. To crown my misfortunes, I was taken very ill at a time when there was no other way of avoiding the clutches of my persecutor but by a precipitate flight. In this emergency I applied to a worthy gentleman of Brussels, a very good friend of mine, but no lover. I say no lover because every man is supposed to act in that capacity who befriends a young woman in distress. This generous Fleming set out with me in the night from Brussels, and conducted me to the frontier of France. Being very much indisposed both in mind and body when I was obliged to undertake this expedition, I should in all probability have sunk under the fatigue of travelling had not my spirits been kept up by the conversation of my companion, who was a man of business and consequence, and undertook to manage my affairs in such a manner as would enable me to re-establish my residence in the place I had left. He was young and active, attended me with the utmost care and assiduity, and left nothing undone which he thought would contribute to my ease and satisfaction. I believe his friendship for me was a little tinctured with another passion, but he was married and lived very well with his wife, who was also my friend, so that he knew I would never think of him in the light of a lover. Upon our arrival at Valenciennes, he accommodated me with a little money, for a little was all I would take, and returned to his own city after we had settled a correspondence by letters. I was detained a day or two in this place by my indisposition which increased, but nevertheless proceeded to Paris to make interest for a protection from the King of France, which that monarch graciously accorded me in three days after my first application, and his ministers sent orders to all the governors and intendants of the province towns to protect me against the efforts of Lord Hum in whatever place I should choose to reside. Having returned my thanks at Versailles for this favour, and tarried a few days at Paris, which was a place altogether unsuitable to the lo-eb of my fortune, I repaired to Lyle, where I intended to fix my habitation. And there my disorder recurred with such violence that I was obliged to send for a physician, who seemed to have been a disciple of Sangrado, for he scarce left a drop of blood in my body, and yet I found myself never a bit the better. Indeed I was so much exhausted by these evacuations, and my constitution so much impaired by fatigue and perturbation of mind, that I had no other hope of recovering but that of reaching England and putting myself under the direction of a physician on whose ability I could depend. With this doubtful prospect, therefore, I determined to attempt to return to my native air, and actually departed from Lyle in such a melancholy, enfeebled condition that I had almost fainted when I was put into the coach. But before I resolved upon this journey, I was reduced to the utmost exigence of fortune, so that I could scarce afford to buy provisions, had it been in my power to eat, and should not have been able to defray my traveling expenses had I not been generously befriended by Lord R.H., who I am sure would have done anything for my case in accommodation, though he hasn't justly incurred the imputation of being parsimonious, and I had no reason to expect any such favor at his hands. In this deplorable state of health, I was conveyed to Calais, being all the way, as it were, in the arms of death, without having swallowed the least sustenance on the road. So much was my indisposition augmented by the fatigue of the journey that I swooned when I was brought into the inn, and had almost expired before I could receive the least assistance or advice. However, my spirits were a little revived by some bread and wine, which I took at the persuasion of a French surgeon, who, chancing to pass by the door, was called up to my relief. Having sent my servant to Brussels to take care of my clothes, I embarked in the packet boat, and by the time we arrived at Dover was almost in extremity. Here I found a return coach in which I was carried to London, and was put to bed at the house we put up at, more dead than alive. The people of the inn sent for an apothecary, who administered some cordial that recalled me to life, and when I recovered the use of speech, I told him who I was, and desired him to wait upon Dr. S., and inform him of my situation. A young girl, who was niece to the landlord's wife, seeing me unattended, made a tender of her service to me, and I accepted the offer, as well as of a lodging in the apothecary's house, to which I was conveyed as soon as my strength would admit my removal. There I was visited by my physician, who was shocked to find me in such a dangerous condition. However, having considered my case, he perceived that my indisposition proceeded from the calamities I had undergone, and encouraged me with the hope of a speedy cure, provided I could be kept easy and undisturbed. I was accordingly attended with all imaginable care, my lord's name being never mentioned in my hearing, because I considered him as the fatal source of all my misfortunes. And in a month I recovered my health by the great skill and tenderness of my doctor, who now finding me strong enough to encounter fresh troubles, endeavored to persuade me that it would be my wisest step to return to my husband, whom at that time he had often occasioned to see. But I rejected his proposal, commencing a new lawsuit for separation, and took a small house at St. James Square. About this time my woman returned from Brussels, but without my clothes, which were detained on account of the money I owed in that place, and asking her dismission from my service set up shop for herself. I had not lived many weeks in my new habitation when my persecutor renewed his attempts to make himself master of my person. But I had learned from experience to redouble my vigilance, and he was frustrated in all his endeavours. I was again happy in the conversation of my former acquaintance, and visited by a great number of gentlemen, mostly persons of probity and sense, who cultivated my friendship without any other motive of attachment. Not that I was unsolicited on the article of love. That was a theme on which I never wanted orators, and could I have prevailed upon myself to profit by the advances that were made? I might have managed my opportunities so as to have set fortune at defiance for the future. But I was none of these economists who can sacrifice their hearts to interested considerations. One evening while I was conversing with three or four of my friends, my lawyer came in and told me he had something of consequence to impart, upon which all the gentlemen but one went away. Then he gave me to understand that my suit would immediately come to trial, and though he hoped the best, the issue was uncertain. That if it should be given against me, the decision would inspire my Lord with fresh spirits to disturb my peace, and therefore it would be convenient for me to retire until the affair should be brought to a determination. I was very much disconcerted at this intelligence, and the gentlemen who stayed, perceiving my concern, asked what I intended to do, or if he could serve me in any shape, and desired to know whether I proposed to retreat. I affected to laugh and answered, to a garret, I believe. To this overstrained reasoning he replied, that if I should, his friendship and regard would find the way to my apartment, and I had no reason to doubt the sincerity of his declaration. We consulted about the measures I should take, and I determined to remove into the country where I was soon favoured with a letter from him, wherein he expressed the infinite pleasure he had in being able to assure me that my suit had been successful, and that I might appear again with great safety. Accordingly I returned to town in his coach and six, which he had sent for my convenience, and the same evening went with him to the masquerade, where we passed the night very agreeably, his spirits as well as mine being elevated to a joyous pitch by the happy event of my process. This gentleman was a person of great honour, worth, and good nature. He loved me extremely, but did not care that I should know the extent of his passion. On the contrary he endeavored to persuade me. He had laid it down as a maxim that no woman should ever have power enough over his heart to give him the least pain or disquiet. In short he had made a progress in my affection, and to his generosity was I indebted for my subsistence two whole years, during which he was continually professing this philosophic indifference, while at the same time he was giving me daily assurances of his friendship and esteem, and treated me with incessant marks of the most passionate love, so that I concluded his intention was cold, though his temper was warm. Considering myself as an encumbrance upon his fortune, I redoubled my endeavours to obtain a separate maintenance from my Lord, and removed from St. James Square to Lodging's at Kensington, where I had not long enjoyed myself in tranquility, before I was interrupted by a very unexpected visit. CHAPTER 81 PART XIII OF THE ADVENTURES OF PARAGRIN PICKLE VOLUME II by Tobias Smollett. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. THE MEMOIS OF A LADY OF QUALITY, PART XIII While I was busy one day dressing in my dining-room, I found his lordship at my elbow before I was aware of his approach, although his coach was at the door, and the house already in the possession of his servants. He accosted me in the usual style as if we had parted the night before, and I answered him with an appearance of the same careless familiarity desiring him to sit down while I retreated to my chamber, locked the door, and fairly went to bed, being perhaps the first woman who went thither for protection from the insults of a man. Here, then, I amured myself with my faithful Abigail. My lord, finding me secured, knocked at the door, and through the keyhole begged to be admitted, assuring me that all he wanted was a conference. I desired to be excused, though I believed his assurance. But I had no inclination to converse with him because I knew from experience the nature of his conversation, which was so disagreeable and tormenting that I would have exchanged it at any time for a good beating and thought myself a gainer by the bargain. However, he persisted in his importunities to such a degree that I assented to his proposal, on condition that the Duke of L. should be present at the interview, and he immediately sent a message for his grace, while I and P. sate my breakfast, conveyed in a basket, which was hoisted up to the window of my bed-chamber. The Duke was so kind as to come at my lord's request, and before I would open the door gave me his word that I should be protected from all violence and compulsion. Thus assured, they were permitted to enter. My little gentleman sitting down by my bed-side began to repeat the old hackneyed arguments he had formerly used, with a view of inducing me to live with him. And I, on my side, repeated my former objections, or pretended to listen to his representations while my imagination was employed in contriving the means of affecting an escape, as the Duke easily perceived by my countenance. Finding all his remonstrances ineffectual, he quitted the chamber, and left his cause to the eloquence of his grace, who sat with me a whole half hour without exerting himself much in behalf of his client, because he knew I was altogether obstinate and determined on that score. But joked upon the behaviour of his lordship, who, though jealous of most people, had left him alone with me in my bed-chamber, observing that he must neither have great confidence in his virtue, or a very bad opinion of him otherwise. In short I found the means to defer the categorical answer till next day, and invited the Duke and his lordship to dine with me to-morrow. My wise yoke-fellow seemed to doubt the sincerity of this invitation, and was very much disposed to keep possession of my house. But by the persuasion of his grace and the advice of H, who was his chief counsellor in back, he was prevailed upon to take my word, and for the present left me. They were no sooner retired than I rose with great expedition, packed up my clothes, and took shelter in Essex for the first time. Next day my lord and his noble friend came to dinner, according to appointment, and being informed of my escape by my woman, whom I left in the house, his lordship discovered some signs of discontent, and insisted upon seeing my papers. On which my maid produced a parcel of bills which I owed to different people. Notwithstanding this disappointment, he sat down to what was provided for dinner, and with great deliberation ate up a leg of lamb, the best part of a fowl, and something else which I do not now remember, and then very peaceably went away giving my maid an opportunity of following me to the place of my retreat. My intention was to have sought refuge as formerly in another country, but I was prevented from putting my design in execution by a fit of illness, during which I was visited by my physician and some of my own relations, particularly a distant cousin of mine, whom my lord had engaged in his interests by promising to recompense her amply if she could persuade me to comply with his desire. In this office she was assisted by the doctor, who was my friend and a man of sense, for whom I have the most perfect esteem, though he and I have often differed in point of opinion. In a word I was exposed to the incessant importunities of all my acquaintance, which added to the desperate circumstances of my fortune, compelled me to embrace the terms that were offered, and I again returned to the domestic duties of a wife. I was conducted to my lord's house by an old friend of mine, a gentleman turned of fifty of admirable parts in understanding. He was a pleasing companion, cheerful and humane, and had acquired a great share of my esteem and respect. In a word his advice had great weight in my deliberations, because it seemed to be the result of experience and disinterested friendship. Without all doubt he had an unfaithful concern for my welfare. But being an admirable politician, his scheme was to make my interest coincide with his own inclinations, for I had unwittingly made an innovation upon his heart. And as he thought I should hardly favour his passion, while I was at liberty to converse with the rest of my admirers, he counseled me to surrender that freedom, well knowing that my lord would be easily persuaded to banish all his rivals from the house. In which case he did not doubt of his being able to insinuate himself into my affections. Because he laid it down as an eternal truth that if any two persons of different sexes were obliged to live together in a desert, where they would be excluded from all other human intercourse, they would naturally and inevitably contract an inclination for each other. How just this hypothesis might be, I leave to the determination of the curious, though if I may be allowed to judge from my own disposition, a couple so situated would be apt to imbibe mutual disgust from the nature and necessity of their union, unless their association was at first the effect of reciprocal affection and esteem. Be this as it will, I honour the gentleman for his plan, which was ingeniously contrived and artfully conducted. But I happen to have too much address for him in the sequel, cunning as he was, though at first I did not perceive his drift, and his lordship was much less likely to comprehend his meaning. Immediately after this new accommodation I was carried to a country house belonging to my lord, and was simple enough to venture myself unattended by any servant on whose integrity I could depend, in the hands of his lordship and age, whose villainy I always dreaded. Though at this time my apprehensions were considerably increased by recollecting that it was not his interest to let me live in the house lest his conduct should be inquired into, and by remembering that the very house to which we were going had been twice burnt down in a very short space of time, not without suspicion of his having been the incendiary, on account of some box of writings which was lost in the conflagration. True it is this imputation was never made good, and perhaps he was altogether innocent of the charge, which nevertheless affected my spirits in such a manner as rendered me the most miserable of all mortals. In this terror did I remain till my consternation was awakened by the arrival of Mr. B., a good-natured worthy man whom my lord had invited to his house and I thought would not see me ill-used. In a few weeks we were joined by Dr. S. and his lady, who visited us according to their promise, and it was resolved that we should set out for Tunbridge on a party of pleasure, and at our return examine each's accounts. This last part of our scheme was not at all relished by our worthy steward, who therefore determined to overturn our whole plan, and succeeded accordingly. My lord all of a sudden declared himself against the jaunt we had projected, and insisted upon my staying at home without assigning any reason for the preemptory behaviour. His countenance being cloudy and for the space of three days he did not open his mouth. At last he one night entered my bed chamber, to which he now had free access, with his sword under his arm, and if I remember a right it was ready drawn. I could not help taking notice of this alarming circumstance which shocked me the more as it happened immediately after a gloomy fit of discontent. However I seemed to overlook the incident and dismissing my maid went to bed, because I was ashamed to acknowledge, even in my own heart, any dread of a person whom I despise so much. However the strength of my constitution was not equal to the fortitude of my mind. I was taken ill and the servants were obliged to be called up, while my lord himself terrified at my situation, ran upstairs to Mrs. S., who was in bed, told her with evident perturbation of spirits that I was very much indisposed, and said he believed I was frightened by his entering my chamber with a sword in his hand. This lady was so startled at his information, that she ran into my apartment half naked, and as she went downstairs asked what reason could induce him to have carried his sword with him, upon which he gave her to understand that his intention was to kill the bats. I believe in hope that he had no other design than that of intimidating me, but when the affair happened I was of a different opinion. Mrs. S., having put on her clothes, sat up all night by my bedside, and was so good as to assure me that she would not leave me, until I should be safely delivered from the apprehensions that surrounded me in this house, to which she and the doctor had been the principal cause of my coming. For my lord had haunted and importuned them incessantly on this subject, protesting that he loved me with the most inviolable affection, and all he desired was that I would sit at his table, manage his family, and share his fortune. By these professions uttered with an air of honesty and good nature he had imposed himself upon them for the best tempered creature on earth, and they used all their influence with me to take him into favour. This has been the case with a great many people who had but a superficial knowledge of his disposition, but in the course of their acquaintance they have never failed to discern and acknowledge their mistake. The doctor, on his return from Tunbridge, to which place he had made a trip by himself, found me ill of bed, and the whole family in confusion. Surprised and concerned at this disorder, he entered into expostulation with my lord, who owned that the cause of his displeasure and disquiet was no other than jealousy. He had informed him that I had been seen to walk out with Mr. Bal in the morning, and that our correspondence had been observed with many additional circumstances which were absolutely false and groundless. This imputation was no sooner understood than it was resolved that the accuser should be examined in presence of us all. He accordingly appeared exceedingly drunk, though it was morning, and repeated the articles of the charge as an information he had received from a man who came from town to hang the bells, and was long ago returned to London. This was an instance of his cunning and address which did not forsake him even in his hours of intoxication. Had he fixed the columny on any one of his servants he would have been confronted and detected in his falsehood. Nevertheless, though he could not be legally convicted, it plainly appeared that he was the author of this defamation, which incensed Mr. Bal to such a degree that he could scarce be withheld from punishing him on the spot by manual chastisement. However, he was prevailed upon to abstain from such immediate vengeance as a step unworthy of his character, and the affair was brought to this issue, that his lordship should either part with me or Mr. H, for I was fully determined against living under the same roof with such an incendiary. This alternative being proposed, my lord dismissed his steward, and we returned to town with the doctor and Mrs. S, for I had imbibed such horror and aversion for this country seat, though one of the pleasantest in England, that I could not bear to live in it. We therefore removed to a house in Bond Street, where according to the advice of my friends I exerted my whole power and complacence in endeavours to keep my husband in good humour, but was so unsuccessful in my attempts, that if ever he was worse tempered, more capricious or intolerable at one time than at another, this was a season in which his ill humour predominated in the most rankerous degree. I was scarce ever permitted to stir abroad, saw nobody at home but my old male friend whom I have mentioned above, and the doctor with his lady, from whose conversation also I was at last excluded. Nevertheless I contrived to steal a meeting now and then with my late benefactor, for whom I entertained a great share of affection, exclusive of that gratitude that was due to his generosity. It was not his fault that I compromised matters with my lord, for he was as free of his purse as I was unwilling to use it. It would therefore have been unfriendly, unkind and ingrateful in me, now that I was in affluence, to avoid all intercourse with a man who had supported me in adversity. I think people cannot be too shy and scrupulous in receiving favours, but once they are conferred they ought never to forget the obligation, and I was never more concerned at any incident of my life than at hearing that this gentleman did not receive a letter, in which I acknowledged the last proof of his friendship in liberality which I had occasion to use, because I have since learned that he suspected me of neglect. CHAPTER XIV But to return to my situation in Bond Street, I bore it as well as I could for the space of three months, during which I lived in the midst of spies who were employed to watch my conduct, and underwent every mortification that malice, power, and folly could inflict. Nay so ridiculous, so unreasonable was my tyrant in his spleen, that he declared he would even be jealous of Hediger if there was no other man to incur his suspicion. He expected that I should spend my whole time with him, tet-a-tet. When I sacrificed my enjoyment to these comfortable parties, he never failed to lay hold on some innocent expression of mine which he made the foundation of a quarrel, and when I strove to avoid these disagreeable misinterpretations by reading or writing, he incessantly teased and tormented me with the imputation of being peevish, sullen, and reserved. Harassed by this insufferable behaviour, I communicated my case to Dr. S. and his lady, intimating that I neither could nor would expose myself any longer to such usage. The doctor exhorted me to bear my fate with patience, and Mrs. S. was silent on the subject, so that I still hesitated between staying and going when the doctor, being one night at supper, happened to have some words with my lord, who was so violently transported with his passion, that I was actually afraid of going to bed with him. And next morning, when he awakened, there was such an expression of frantic wildness in his countenance that I imagined he was actually distracted. This alarming circumstance confirmed me in my resolution of decamping, and I accordingly moved my quarters to a house in Sackville Street, where I had lodged when I was a widow. And thence I sent a message to the Duke of L, desiring that he would make my lord acquainted with the place of my abode, my reasons for removing, and my intention to defend myself against all his attempts. The first night of this separation I went to bed by myself, with as much pleasure as a man would feel in going to bed with his mistress whom he had long solicited in vain, so rejoiced was I to be delivered from my obnoxious bed-fellow. In these lodgings I soon moved to Brook Street, where I had not long enjoyed the suites of my escape when I was importuned to return by a new steward whom my lord had engaged in the Room of H. This gentleman, who bore a very fair character, made such judicious representations, and behaved so candidly in the discharge of his function, that I agreed he should act as umpire in the difference between us, and once more a reconciliation was effected, though his lordship began to be dissatisfied even before the execution of our agreement, in consequence of which he attended me to Bath, where I went for the benefit of my health, which was not a little impaired. This accommodation had a surprising effect upon my lover, who notwithstanding his repeated declarations, that no woman should ever gain such an ascendancy over his heart as to be able to give him pain, suffered all the agonies of disappointed love when he now found himself deprived of the opportunities of seeing me, and behaved very differently from what he had imagined he should. His words and actions were desperate. One of his expressions to me was, It is like twisting my heart strings, and tearing it out of my body. Indeed, I never should have acted this part had I foreseen what he would have suffered. But I protest I believed him when he said otherwise, so much that his declaration on that subject was the occasion of my giving him up, and it was now too late to retract. In our expedition to Bath I was accompanied by a very agreeable young lady, with whom I passed my time very happily amid the diversions of the place, which screened me in a good measure from the vexatious society of my hopeful partner. From this place we repaired to his seat in the country, where we spent a few months, and thence returned again to our house in Bond Street. Here while I was confined to my bed by illness, it was supposed my indisposition was no other than a private lying in, though I was under the roof with my lord, and attended by his servants. While the distemper continued, my lord, to do him justice, behaved with all imaginable tenderness and care, and his concern on these occasions, I have already mentioned as a strange inconsistency in his disposition. If his actions were at all accountable, I should think he took pains to fret me into a fever first, in order to manifest his love and humanity afterwards. When I recovered my strength in spirits I went abroad, saw company, and should have been easy had he been contented, but as my satisfaction increased, his good humor decayed, and he banished from his house one by one all the people whose conversation could have made my life agreeable. I often expostulated with him on his malignant behavior, protesting my desire of living peaceably with him, and begging he would not lay me under the necessity of changing my measures. He was deaf to all my remonstrances, though I warned him more than once of the event, persisted in his maxims of persecution, and after repeated quarrels I again left his house fully determined to suffer all sorts of extremity, rather than subject myself to the tyranny of his disposition. This year was productive of one fatal event, which I felt with the utmost sensibility of sorrow, and I shall always remember with regret. I mean the death of Mr. B., with whom I had constantly maintained an intimate correspondence since the first commencement of our acquaintance. He was one of the most valuable men, and promised to be one of the brightest ornaments that this or any other age had produced. I enjoyed his friendship without reserve, and such was the confidence he reposed in my integrity from long experience of my truth, that he often said he would believe my bare assertion, even though it should contradict the evidence of his own senses. These being the terms upon which we lived, it is not to be supposed that I bore the loss of him without repining. Indeed, my grief was unspeakable, and though the edge of it be now smooth by the lenient hand of time, I shall never cease to cherish his memory with the most tender remembrance. During the last period of my living with my Lord I had agreed to the expediency of obtaining an act of parliament which would enable him to pay his debts, on which occasion there was a necessity of cancelling a deed that subsisted between us, relating to a separate maintenance to which uncertain provisions I was entitled. And this was to be set aside, so far as it interfered with the above-mentioned scheme, while the rest of it should remain in force. When this affair was about to be transacted, my Lord very generously insisted upon my concurrence in annulling the whole settlement. And when I refused to comply with this demand, because this was the sole resource I had against his ill usage, he would not proceed in the execution of his plan, though by dropping it he hurt nobody but himself, and he accused me of having receded from my word after I had drawn him into considerable expense. This imputation of breaking my word, which I defy the whole of the world to prove I ever did, incensed me the more as I myself had proposed the scheme for his service, although I knew the accomplishment of it would endanger the validity of my own settlement. And my indignation was still more augmented by the behavior of Mr. G., who had always professed a regard for my interest, and upon my last accommodation with my Lord, undertaken to affect a reconciliation between my father and me. But when he was questioned about the particulars of this difference, and desired to declare whether his lordship or I was to blame, he declined the office of arbitrator, refused to be explicit upon the subject, and by certain shrewd hums and haws signified his disapprobation of my conduct. Yet this very man, when I imparted to him in my confidence my intention of making another retreat, and frankly ask his opinion of my design, seemed to acquiesce in the justice of it in these remarkable words. Madam, if I thought or had hopes of my Lord growing better, I would down on my knees to desire you to stay. But as I have not, I say nothing. If he connived at my conduct in this particular, why should he disapprove of it when all I asked was but common justice? But he was a dependent, and therefore I excuse his phlegmatic, not to call it unfriendly, behavior. Indeed he could not be too cautious of giving offense to his lordship, who sometimes made him feel the effects of that wrath which other people had kindled, particularly in consequence of a small adventure which happened about this very period of time. A very agreeable, sprightly good-natured young man, a near relation of my Lord, happening to be at our house one evening, and there was a fire in the neighborhood. We agreed to go and sup at the tavern in Famille, and having spent the evening with great mirth and good humour, this young gentleman, who was naturally facetious, in taking his leave saluted us all round. My Lord, who had before entertained some jealousy of his kinsmen, was very much provoked by this trifling incident, but very prudently suppressed his displeasure, till he returned to his own house, whereas rage cooperating with the champagne he had drunk, inflamed him to such a degree of resolution, that he sprang upon the innocent g, and collared him with great fury, though he was altogether unconcerned in the cause of his indignation. This extravagant and frantic behavior added to other grievances under which I labored, hastened my resolution of leaving him, and he to this day blames his relation as the immediate cause of my escape, whereas he ought to place it to the account of his own madness and indiscretion. When I retired to Park Street, he cautioned all my tradesmen, not even accepting my baker, against giving me credit, assuring them that he would not pay any debts I should contract, and the difficulties to which I was reduced in consequence of this charitable declaration, together with the reflection of what I had suffered and might undergo from the caprice and barbarity of his disposition, affected my health so much that I was again taken ill, and my life thought in danger. My constitution, however, got the better of my distemper, and I was ordered into the country by my physicians for the benefit of the air, so that I found myself under the necessity of keeping two houses when I was little able to support one, and set up my chariot because I could not defray the expense of a hackney-coach, for I had as much credit given me as I asked for, not withstanding my lord's orders to the contrary. Having recruited my spirits in the country, I returned to town and was visited by my friends who never forsook me in adversity, and in the summer removed to a house in Essex, where I lived a few months in great trend-quility, unmolested by my tyrant, who sometimes gave me a whole year's respite. Here I used to ride and drive by turns as my humor dictated, with horses which were lent me, and I had the company of my lover and another gentleman, who was a very agreeable companion, and of singular service to me in the sequel. At last my lord having received intelligence of the place of my abode, and his tormenting humor recurring, he set out for my habitation, and in the morning appeared in his coach and six attended by Mr. G. and another person, whom he had engaged for the purpose, with several domestics armed. I immediately shut up my doors at his approach, and refused him admittance, which he endeavored to obtain by a succession of prayers and threats. But I was deaf to both, and resolved to hold out to the last. Seeing me determined, he began his attack and his servants actually forced their way into the house, upon which I retreated upstairs, and fortified myself in my apartment, which the assailants stormed with such fury that the door began to give way, and I retired into another room. Whilst I remained in this post, Mr. G. demanded a parlay, in which he begged I would favor my lord with an interview, otherwise he knew not what might be the consequence. To this remonstrance I replied that I was not disposed to comply with his request, and though their design should be murder, I was not at all afraid of death. Upon this declaration they renewed their attacks, which they carried on with indifferent success till the afternoon, when my lord, as if he had been at play, sent a formal message to me desiring that all hostilities should cease till after both parties should have dined. At the same time my own servants came for instructions, and I ordered them to let him have everything which he should call for, as far as the house could afford. He did not fail to make use of this permission, but sitting down with his companions, ate at my dinner without hesitation, after he had paid me the compliment of desiring to know what he should send up to my apartment. Far from having any stomach to partake of his meal, I set solitary upon my bed in a state of melancholy expectation, having fastened the door of the outward room for my security, while I kept my chamber open for the convenience of air, the weather being excessively hot. His lordship, having indulged his appetite, resumed his attempt, and all of a sudden I heard a noise in the next room, upon which I started up, and perceiving that he had got into my anti- chamber by the help of a bench that stood under the window, I flung to the door of my room, which I locked with great expedition, and opening another that communicated with the staircase, ran out of the house through a crowd of more than a hundred people whom this fray had gathered together. Being universally beloved in the neighborhood and respected by my Lord servants, I passed among them untouched, and took refuge in a neighboring cottage, while his lordship bawled in roared for patience, being afraid to come out as he had gone in. Without waiting for his deliberations I changed clothes with the poor woman who had given me shelter, and in her blue apron and straw hat sallied out into the fields intending to seek protection in the house of a gentleman not far off, though I was utterly ignorant of the road that led me to it. However it was my good fortune to meet with a farmer who undertook to conduct me to the place, otherwise I should have missed my way and in all probability lain in the fields, for by this time it was eight o'clock at night. Under the direction of this guide I traversed hedges and ditches, for I would not venture to travel in the highway lest I should fall into the hands of my pursuer, and after I had actually tumbled into the mire and walked six or seven long miles, by the help of a good spirit which never failed me on such occasions. I arrived at the place and rung the bell at the garden gate for admittance. Seeing my figure, which was very uncouth, together with my draggled condition, they denied me entrance. But when they understood who I was, immediately opened the door, and I was hospitably entertained after having been the subject of mirth on account of my dress and adventure. Chapter 81 of The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle, Volume 2 by Tobias Smollett This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality, Part 15 Next day I returned and took possession of my house again, for I resumed my former amusements, which I enjoyed in quiet for the space of a whole month, waiting with resignation for the issue of my lawsuit. When one afternoon I was surprised of his lordship's approach by one of my spies, whom I always employed to reconnoiter the road, and so fortunate was I in the choice of these scouts that I never was betrayed by one of them, though they were often bribed for that purpose. I know sooner received this intelligence than I ordered my horse to be saddled, and mounting rode out of sight immediately, directing my course a different way from the London Road. I had not long proceeded in this track when my career was all of a sudden stopped by a five-bar gate, which, after some hesitation, I resolved to leap, my horse being an old hunter, if I should find myself pursued. However, with much difficulty, I made a shift to open it, and arrived in safety at the house of my very good friend, Mr. G., who being a justice of the peace had promised me his protection if it should be wanted. Thus secured for the present, I sent out spies to bring information of his lordship's proceedings, and understood that he had taken possession of my house, turned my servants adrift and made himself master of all my movables, clothes, and papers. As for the papers, they were of no consequence but of clothes, I had a good stock, and when I had reason to believe that he did not intend to relinquish his conquest, I thought it was high time for me to remove to a greater distance from his quarters. Accordingly, two days after my escape, I set out at eleven o'clock at night, in a chariot and four, which I borrowed of my friend, attended by a footman, who was a stealth fellow and well-armed. I, myself, being provided with a brace of good pistols, which I was fully determined to use against any person who should presume to lay violent hands upon me, except my lord, for whom a less mortal weapon would have sufficed, such as a bodkin or a tinderbox. Nothing could be farther from my intention than the desire of hurting any living creature, much less my husband. My design was only to defend myself from cruelty and depression, which I knew by fatal experience would infallibly be my lot should he get me into his power, and I thought I had as good a right to preserve my happiness as that which every individual has to preserve his life, especially against a set of ruffians who were engaged to rob me of it for a little dirty lucre. In the midst of our journey the footman came up and told me I was dogged, upon which I looked out and seen a man riding by at the chariot side, presented one of my pistols out of my window, and preserved that posture of defense until he thought proper to retreat, and rid me of the fears that attended his company. I arrived in town and, changing my equipage, hired an open chaise in which, though I was almost starved with cold, I traveled to Redding, which I reached by ten next morning, and from thence proceeded farther in the country with a view of taking refuge with Mrs. C., who was my particular friend. Here I should have found shelter, though my Lord had been before hand with me, an endeavour to pre-possess her against my conduct had not the house been crowded with company, among whom I could not possibly have been concealed, especially from her brother, who was an intimate friend of my persecutor. Things being thus situated, I enjoyed but a very short interview with her, in which her sorrow and perplexity on my account appeared with great expression in her countenance, and though it was not in her power to afford me the relief I expected, she in the most gentile manner sent after me a small sum of money, thinking that considering the hurry in which I left my house, I might have occasion for it on the road. I was, by this time, benumbed with cold, fatigued with travelling, and almost ready to death by my disappointment. However, this was no time to indulge despondence, since nobody could or would assist me, I stood the more in need of my own resolution and presence of mind. After some deliberation, I steered my course back to London, and being unwilling to return by the same road in which I came, as well as impatient to be at the end of my journey, I chose the bag-shot way and bent you to cross the heath by moonlight. Here I was attacked by a footpad armed with a broadsword who came up and demanded my money. My stock amounted to twelve guineas, and I foresaw that should I be stripped of the whole sum. I could not travel without discovering who I was, and consequently running the risk of being detected by my pursuer. On these considerations, I gave the fellow three guineas and some silver with which he was so far from being satisfied that he threatened to search me for more, but I ordered the coachman to proceed, and by good fortune escaped that ceremony, though I was under some apprehension of being overtaken with a pistol bullet in my flight, and therefore held down my head in the chaise in imitation of some great men who were said to have ducked in the same manner in the day of battle. My fears happened to be disappointed. I lay at an inn upon the road, and next day arrived in town in the utmost difficulty and distress, for I knew not where to fix my habitation, and was destitute of all means of support. In this dilemma, I applied to my lawyer, who recommended me to the house of a tradesman in Westminster, where I lodged and boarded upon credit with my faithful Abigail, whom I shall distinguish by the name of Mrs. S., for the space of ten weeks during which I saw nobody and never once stirred abroad. While I was thus harassed out of all enjoyment of life and reduced to the utmost indigence by the cruelty of my persecutor, who had even stripped me of my wearing apparel, I made a conquest of Lord Dee, a nobleman who is now dead, and therefore I shall say little of his character, which is perfectly well known. This only while I observed that next to my own tyrant, he was the person of whom I had the greatest abhorrence. Nevertheless, when these two came in competition, I preferred the offers of this new lover, which were very considerable, and as an asylum was the chief thing I wanted, agreed to follow him to his country's seat, whether I actually sent my clothes, which I had purchased upon credit. However, upon mature deliberation, I changed my mind and signified my resolution in a letter desiring at the same time that my baggage might be sent back. In consequence of this message, I expected a visit from him in all the rage of indignation and disappointment, and gave orders that he should not be admitted into my house, yet notwithstanding this precaution, he found means to procure entrance. And one of the first objects that I saw next morning in my bed chamber was my lover, armed with a horse whip against which from the knowledge of the man, I did not think myself altogether secure, though I was not much alarmed because I believed myself superior to him in point of bravery, should the worst come to the worst. But contrary to my expectation and his usual behavior to our sex, he accosted me very politely and began to expostulate on the contents of my letter. I freely told him that I had rationally assented to his proposal for my own convenience only that when I reflected on what I had done, I thought it ungenerous in me to live with him upon these terms, and that as I did not like him and could not disemble, such a correspondence could never tend to the satisfaction of either. He allowed the inference was just, though he was very much chagrined at my previous proceeding. He relinquished his claim, restored my clothes, and never afterwards uprated me with my conduct in this affair, though he at one time owned that he still loved me and never should because I had used a mill, a declaration that strongly marks the peculiarity of his character. As for my own part, I own that my behavior on this occasion is no other way excusable than on account of the miserable perplexity of my circumstances, which were often so calamitous that I wonder I have not been compelled to take such depths as would have rendered my conduct much more exceptional than it really is. At last, all my hopes were blasted by the issue of my suit, which was determined in favor of my Lord. Even then I refused to yield. On the contrary, coming out of retirement, I took lodgings in Suffolk Street and set my tyrant at defiance, but being unwilling to trust my doors to the care of other people, I hired a house in Conduit Street, and no sooner appeared in the world again than I was surrounded by divers and sundry sorts of admirers. I believe I received the incense and addresses of all kinds under the sun, except that sort which was most of my liking, a man capable of contracting and inspiring a mutual attachment. But such a one is equally rare and inestimable, not but that I own myself greatly obliged to all those who cultivated my good graces, though they were very little beholden to me, for where I did not really love, I could never profess that passion. That sort of dissimulation is a slavery that no honest nature will undergo, except one were the young man whom I sometimes saw, they were a strange medley of insignificant beings, one was insipid, another ridiculously affected, a third void of all education, a fourth altogether inconsistent, and in short I found as many trifling characters among the men as ever I observed in my own sex. Some of them I endeavored to bring over to my maxims, while they attempted to make a proselyte of me, but finding the task impracticable on both sides we very wisely dropped each other. At length, however, I was blessed with the acquaintance of one nobleman who is perhaps the first character in England in point of honor, integrity, wit, sense, and benevolence. When I have thus distinguished him, I need scarce mention Lord Blank. This great, this good man possesses every accomplishment requisite to inspire admiration, love, and esteem. With infinitely more merit than almost ever felt to one man's share, he manifests such diffidence of his own qualifications as cannot fail to prepossess every company in his favor. He seems to observe nothing yet sees everything. His manner of telling a story and making trifles elegant is peculiar to himself, and though he has a thousand oddities, they serve only to make him more agreeable. After what I've said it may be supposed that I was enamored of his person, but this was not the case, love is altogether capricious and fanciful. Yet I admire, honor, and esteem him to the highest degree, and when I observe that his character resembled that of my dear departed friend Mr. B., or rather that Mr. B. had he lived would have resembled Lord Blank, I pay the highest compliment I can conceive both to the living and to the dead. In this nobleman's friendship and conversation I thought myself happy, though I was as usual exposed to the indefatigable efforts of my Lord, who one day while I was favored with the company of this generous friend appeared at my door in his coach, attended by another gentleman who demanded entrance with an air of authority. A very honest footman who had been long in my service ran upstairs in the utmost consternation and gave me an account of what had happened below, upon which I told him he had nothing to answer for and ordered him to keep the door fast shut against all opposition, though I was so much affected with this unexpected assault that Lord Blank said he was never more surprised and shocked in his life than at the horror which appeared in my countenance when I saw the coach stop at my door. My little hero being refused admittance went away threatening to return speedily with a reinforcement, and during this interval I provided myself with a soldier whom I placed sentiment at the door within sight to guard me from the danger of such assaults for the future. My Lord, true to his promise, marched back with his auxiliaries, reinforced with a constable and repeated his demand of being admitted, and my soldier opening the sash in order to answer him, according to my directions he no sooner perceived the red coat than he was seized with such a panic that he instantly fled with great precipitation, and when he recounted the adventure like false death in the play, multiplied my guard into a whole file of musketeers. He also made a shift to discover the gentleman who had been so kind as to lend me one of his company and complained of him to the Duke of In, in hopes of seeing him broke for his misdemeanor, but in that expectation he was luckily disappointed. Perceiving that in England I should never enjoy peace but be continually subject to those alarms and disquietes, which had already impaired my health and spirits, I resolved to repair again to France my best refuge and sure retreat from the persecution of my tyrant. Yet before I took this step I endeavored by the advice of my friends to conceal myself near Windsor, but was in that little time discovered by my Lord and hunted out of my lurking place accordingly. I then removed to Chelsea where I suffered inconceivable uneasiness and agitation of mind from the nature of my situation, my tranquility being thus incessantly invaded by a man who could not be satisfied with me and yet could not live without me. So that though I was very much in dispose I set out for France by way of the Hague, as the war had shut up all other communication, having no other attendant, but my woman S, who though she dreaded the sea and was upon the brink of matrimony, would not quit me in such a calamitous condition until I was joined by my footman and another maid whom I ordered to follow me with the baggage. But before my departure I sent a message to Lord Blank, demanding my clothes which he had seized in Essex, and he refusing to deliver them I was advised to equip myself anew upon credit. I was supplied with money for my journey by my good friend L, and after a short and pleasant passage arrived at the Hague where I stayed two months imparted with S, on whom I settled an annuity of five and twenty pounds payable out of the provision which I had or might obtain from my husband. The same allowance had I prevailed upon Lord B to grant to another maid who attended me while I lived in his house. I did not much relish the people in Holland because they seemed entirely devoted to self-interest without any taste for pleasure or politeness, a species of disposition that could not be very agreeable to me who always despised money, had an unbounded benevolence of heart and love pleasure beyond every other consideration. When I say pleasure I would not be understood to mean sensuality, which constitutes the supreme happiness of those only who are void of sentiment and imagination. Nevertheless I received some civilities in this place and among the rest the reputation of having for my lover the king of peas minister, who was young and airy and visited me often circumstances that were sufficient to lay me under the imputation of an amour which I frequently incurred without having given the least cause of suspicion. Having taken leave of my Dutch friends I departed from the Hague in company with an English woman whom I had chosen for that purpose and arrived at Antwerp with much difficulty and danger, the highway being infested with robbers. After having reposed myself a few days in this city, I hired a coach for myself and set out with my companion for Brussels. But before we reached Michelin our vehicle was attacked by two hasars who with their sabers drawn obliged the coachman to drive into a wood near the road. I had first imagined that they wanted to examine our passports but was soon too well convinced of their design and they're very much shocked at the discovery found resolution enough to suppress my concern so that it should not aggravate the terrors of the young woman who had almost died with apprehension. I even encouraged her to hope for the best and addressing myself to the robbers in French begged in the most supplementary manner that they would spare our lives on which one of them who was a little fellow assured me in the same language that we have nothing to fear for our persons. End of the Memoirs of a Lady of Quality Part 15 Chapter 81 of the Adventures of Paragrine Pickle Volume 2 by Tobias Smollett. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality Part 16. When we were conveyed in a state of dreadful suspense about three-quarters of a mile into the wood the Ruffians came into the coach and taking my keys which I kept ready in my hand for them opened three large trunks that contained my baggage and emptying them of everything but my hoops and a few books packed up their booty in a cloth then robbed me of my money and jewels even to my shoe buckles and sleeve buttons took my footman's laced hat and gave it by way of gratification to a peasant who came from behind the bushes and assisted them in packing. This affair being dispatched they ordered us to return to the road by a different way from that in which we were carried into the wood and mounting their horses rode off with the plunder though not before the little fellow who was the least ferocious of the two had come and shaken me by the hand wishing us a good journey. A compliment which I heartily returned, being extremely well pleased with the retreat of two such companions who had detained us a whole half hour during which notwithstanding the assurance I had received I was in continual apprehension of seeing their operation concluded with the murder of us all for I suppose they were of that gang who had some time before murdered a French officer and used a lady extremely ill after having rifled her of all she had. Having thus undergone pillage and being reduced to the extremity of indigence in a foreign land it is not to be supposed that my reflections were very comfortable and yet though I sustained the whole damage I was the only person in the company who bore the accident with any resolution and presence of mind. My coachman and valet seemed quite petrified with fear and it was not till I had repeated my directions that the former drove farther into the wood and took the first turning to the right in order to regain the road according to the command of the robbers which I did not choose to disobey. This misfortune I suffered by the misinformation I received at Antwerp where I would have provided myself with an escort had not I been assured that there was not the least occasion to put myself in such extraordinary expense and indeed the robbers took the only half hour in which they could have had an opportunity of plundering us for we no sooner returned into the highway than we met with the French artillery coming from Brussels which was a security to us during the rest of our journey. We were afterwards informed at a small village that there was actually a large gang of deserters who harbored in that wood from which they made excursions in the neighborhood and kept the peasants in continual alarms. Having proceeded a little way we were stopped by the artillery crossing a bridge and as the train was very long must have been detained till night had not a soldier informed me that if I would take the trouble to come out of my coach and apply to the commandant he would order them to halt and allow me to pass. I took the man's advice and was by him conducted with much difficulty through the crowd to some officers who seemed scarce to deserve the name for when I signified my request they neither rose up nor desired me to sit down but lolling in their chairs with one leg stretched out as with an air of disrespectful railery where I was going and when I answered to Paris desired to know what I would do there. I who am naturally civil where I am civilly used and saucy enough where I think myself treated with disregard was very much peaked at their insolent and unmanly behavior and began to reply to the important questions very abruptly so that a very tart dialogue would have ensued had not the conversation been interrupted by a tall thin genteel young french nobleman an officer in the army who chanting to come in asked with great politeness what I would please to have I then repeated my desire and produce my passports by which he learned who I was immediately gave orders that my coach should pass and afterwards visited me at Paris having obtained my permission and taken my dress at parting while the others understanding my name and quality asked pardon for their impolite carriage which they told me was owing to the representation of the soldier who gave them to understand that I was a strolling actress I could not help laughing heartily at this mistake which might have proceeded from the circumstances of my appearance my footmen having been obliged to change hats with the peasant and myself being without buckles on my shoes and buttons on my writing skirt while my countenance still retain marks of the fear and confusion I had undergone after all perhaps the fellow was a droll and wanted to entertain himself at my expense the day was so far consumed in these adventures that I was obliged to take up my lodgings at Machelin where I addressed myself to the intendant giving him an account of the disaster I had met with and desiring I might have credit at the end as our whole company could not raise the value of a sixpence this gentleman though a provincial was polite in his way and not only granted my request but invited me to lodge at his own house I accordingly gave him my company at supper but did not choose to sleep at his quarters because he appeared to be what the French call via debauch next day he sent a trumpet to the general with a detail of my misfortune in hopes of retrieving what I had lost but not withstanding all possible search I was feigned to put up with my damage which in linen laces clothes and baubles amounted to upwards of 700 pounds a loss which never deprived me of one moment's rest for though I lodged at a miserable end and lay in a poultry bed I slept as sound as if nothing extraordinary had happened after I'd written to London and Paris directing that the payment of my bills of credit might be stopped indeed I know of but two misfortunes in life capable of depressing my spirits namely the loss of health and friends all others may be prevented or endured the articles of that calamity which I chiefly regret it were a picture of Lord W with some inimitable letters from Mr. B from Mashlan I proceeded to Brussels where it being known I got credit for some necessaries and borrowed 20 guineas to defray the expense of my journey to Paris having consulted with my friends about the safest method of traveling through Flanders I was persuaded to take places in the public voie tour and accordingly departed not without fears of finding one part of the country as much infested with robbers as another nor were these apprehensions assuaged by the conversation of my fellow travelers who being of the lower sort of people that delight in exaggerating dangers entertain me all the way with an account of all the robberies and murders which have been committed on that road with many additional circumstances of their own invention after having been two days exposed to this comfortable conversation among very disagreeable company which is certainly one of the most disagreeable situations in life I arrived at Liesl where thinking the dangerous part of the journey was now passed I hired a post jays and in two days more reached Paris without any further molestation upon my arrival in the capital I was immediately visited by my old acquaintances who hearing my disaster offered me their clothes and insisted upon my wearing them until I could be otherwise provided they likewise engaged me in parties with a view of amusing my imagination that I might not grow melancholy in reflecting upon my loss and desired me to repeat the particulars of my story 40 times over expressing great surprise that are not being murdered or ravaged at least as for this last species of outrage the fear of it never once entered my head otherwise I should have been more shocked and alarmed than I really was but it seems this was the chief circumstance of my companion's apprehension and I cannot help observing that a homely woman is always more apt to entertain those fears than one whose person exposes her to much more imminent danger however I now learned that the risk I ran was much greater than I imagined it to be those roughings being familiarized to rape as well as murder soon after my appearance at Paris I was favored with the addresses of several French lovers but I never had any taste for foreigners or indeed for any amusement of that kind except such as were likely to be lasting and settled upon a more agreeable footing than that of common gallantry when I deviated from this principle my conduct was the effect of compulsion and therefore I was never easy under it having been reduced to the alternative of two evils the least of which I was obliged to choose as a man leaves into the sea in order to escape from a ship that is on fire though I rejected their love I did not refuse their company and conversation and though my health was considerably impaired by the shock I received in my last adventure which was considerably greater than I at first imagined and affected my companion so much that she did not recover her spirits till she returned to England I say though I was for some time a valitude in therein I enjoyed myself in great tranquility for the space of ten months during which I was visited by English scotch and French of all parties and persuasions for pleasure is of no faction and that was the chief object of my pursuit neither was I so ambitious of being a politician as to employ my time and thoughts upon subjects which I did not understand I had admirers of all sides and should have spent my time very much to my liking had not I felt my funds sensibly diminished without any prospect of their being repaired for I had been obliged to lay out a great part of the sum allotted for my subsistence in supplying my companion my servant and myself with necessaries and lieu of those which we had lost having before my eyes the uncomfortable prospect of wanting money in a strange place I found myself under the necessity of returning to England where I had more resources than I could possibly have among foreigners and with that view wrote to Lord blanks agents designed that I might be enabled to discharge my obligations at Paris by the payment of my pin money thus a negotiation commenced and his lordship promised to remit money for the clearance of my Paris debts which amounted to four hundred pounds but he would not advance one farthing more though I gave him to understand that while he protracted the agreement I must inevitably be adding to my encumbrances and that I should be as effectually detained by a debt of twenty pounds as if I owed a thousand notwithstanding all my representations he would not part with one shilling over the net some which I had first stipulated so that all my measures were rendered aborted and I found it altogether impracticable to execute those resolutions I had formed in his favor thus did he for a mere trifle embarrass the woman for whom he professed the most unlimited love and his principles he pretended to hold in the utmost veneration indeed his confidence in my integrity was not without foundation for many wives with one half of my provocation would have ruined him to all intents and purposes whereas notwithstanding all the extraordinary expenses to which I had been exposed by his continual persecution he never paid a shilling on my account except one thousand pounds exclusive of the small allowance which was my due in a word so much time elapsed before my lord could prevail upon himself to advance the bear four hundred that I was involved in fresh difficulties from which I found it impossible to extricate myself and though I had occasion to write a letter to my benefactor lord blank in which I expressed my acknowledgement of past favors I could not venture to solicit more even when I was encouraged by a very obliging answer wherein he declared that the good qualities of my mind and heart would bind him to me in friendship forever while I ruminated on my uncomfortable situation which would neither permit me to return to England nor to stay much longer where I was a young Englishman of immense fortune took Paris in his way from Italy accompanied by a most agreeable scotchman of very good sense in great vivacity it was my good or ill fortune to become acquainted with these gentlemen who having seen me at the opera expressed the desire of being known to me and accordingly favored me with a visit one afternoon when the brisk North Britain engrossed the whole conversation while the other seemed fearful and diffident even to a degree of bashfulness through which however I could discern a delicate sensibility and an uncommon understanding there was in his person which was very agreeable as well as in his behavior a certain naivete that was very pleasing and at this first interview we relished each other's company so well that a sort of intimacy immediately commenced and was carried on in a succession of parties of pleasure in the course of which I found and fought with all the tenderness and sentiment that rendered the heart susceptible of the most refined love a disposition that immediately made me partial to him while it subjected his own heart to all the violent impressions of a passion which I little imagined our correspondence would have produced nevertheless I was far from being displeased with my conquest because his person and qualifications as well as his manner of address were very much to my liking and recommended him in a particular manner to my affection indeed he made greater progress in my heart than I myself suspected for there was something congenial in our souls which from our first meeting I believe had attracted us unknown to ourselves under the notions of friendship and regard and now disclosed itself in the most passionate love I listened to his addresses and we were truly happy his attachment was the quintessence of tenderness and sincerity while his generosity knew no bounds not contented with having paid 1200 pounds on my account in the space of one fortnight he would have loaded me with present after present had I not absolutely refused to accept such expensive marks of his munificence I was even mortified at those instances of his liberality which my situation compelled me to receive lest being but little acquainted with my disposition he should suspect me of being interested in my love and judge my conduct by the malicious reports of common fame which he afterwards owned had at first obtained such credit with him that he believed our mutual attachment would not be of long duration but in this particular he was soon undeceived his heart there naturally adapted for the melting passion had hitherto escaped untouched by all the ladies of Italy and France and therefore the first impressions were the more deeply fixed as he was unpracticed in the ways of common gallantry and deceit the striking simplicity and his character was the more likely to engage the heart of one who knew the perfidy of the world and despised all the farce and bombast of fashionable profession which I'd always considered as the phrase of vanity and ostentation rather than the genuine language of love besides gratitude had a considerable share in augmenting my affection which manifested itself in such a warm cordial artless manner as increased his esteem and riveted his attachment for he could easily perceive from the whole tenor of my conduct that my breast was an utter stranger to craft and to simulation yet I was at first fearful of contracting any engagement with him because being younger than me he might be more apt to change and the world might be malicious enough to suppose I had practiced upon his inexperience but conscious of my own integrity I set slander and defiance trusting to my own behavior and his natural probity for the continuance of his love though we did not live together in the same house the greatest part of our time was spent in each other's company we dined and supped at the same table frequented public places went upon parties to the country and never parted but for a few hours in the night which we passed in the utmost impatience to meet again in this agreeable manner did the days roll on when my felicity was interrupted by a fit of jealousy with which I happened to be seized I had contracted an acquaintance with a young married lady who though her personal attractions were but slender was upon the whole and agreeable, cheerful, good-natured companion with a little dash of the coquette in her composition this woman being in very indigent circumstances occasioned by some losses her husband had sustained no sooner had an opportunity of seeing and conversing with my lover and she formed the design of making a conquest of him I should have forgiven her for this scheme whatever pangs it might have cost me had I believed it the effect of real passion but I knew her too well to suppose her heart was susceptible of love and accordingly resented it in the execution of her plan she neglected nothing which she thought capable of engaging his attention she took all opportunities of sitting near him at table ogled him in the most palpable manner directed her whole discourse to him draught upon his toes now I believe squeezed his hand my blood boiled at her though my pride for some time enabled me to conceal my uneasiness till at length her behavior became so arrogant and gross that I could no longer suppress my indignation and one day told my lover that I would immediately renounce his correspondence he was greatly alarmed at this unexpected declaration and when he understood the cause of it assured me that for the future he would never exchange one word with her satisfied with this mark of his sincerity in regard I released him from his promise which he could not possibly keep while she and I lived upon any terms and we continued to visit each other as usual though she still persisted in her endeavors to rival me in his affection and contracted an intimacy with his companion who seemed to entertain a passion for her that she might have the more frequent opportunities of being among us for she had no objection against favoring the addresses of both one evening I remember we set out in my coat for the opera and in the way this Anna Marata was so busy with her feet that I was incensed at her behavior and when we arrived at the place refused to alight but sitting them down declared my intention of returning home immediately she was so much pleased with this intimation that she could not conceal the joy she felt at the thoughts of conversing with him uninterrupted by my presence an opportunity with which I had never favored her before this open exaltation increased my anger and anxiety I went home but being still tortured with the reflection of having left them together adjusted myself in the glass though I was too angry to take notice of my own figure and without further delay returned to the opera having inquired for the box in which they sat I took possession of one that fronted them and reconordering them without being perceived had the satisfaction of seeing him removed to as great a distance from her as the place would permit and his head turned another way composed by this examination I joined them without further scruple when my young gentleman expressed great joy at my appearance and told me he was determined to have left the entertainment and come inquested me had I not returned at that instant in our way homewards my rival repeated her usual hints and with her large group almost overshadowed my lover from my view upon which my jealousy and wrath recurred with such violence that I pulled the string as a signal for the coachman to stop with the view of getting out and going home afoot a step which would have afforded a new spectacle to the people of Paris but I reflected in a moment upon the folly of such a resolution and soon recollected myself by calling my pride to my assistance I determined however that she should act no more scenes of this kind in my presence and that same night insisted upon my lovers dropping all intercourse in connection with this tormentor he very driftily complied with my desire and was even glad of an occasion to break off his acquaintance with a person about whom I had plagued him so much thus was I freed from the persecution of one of those creatures who thought of little consequence in themselves are yet the pests of society and find means to destroy that harmony which reigns between two lovers by the intrusion of a loose appetite void of all sensibility and discretion having no feelings themselves they cannot sympathize with those of other people and do mischief out of mere wantonness End of Chapter 81 The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality Part 16 Chapter 81 of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 2 by Tobias Smollett This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Chapter 81 The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality Part 17 My lover being obliged to go to England has settled me in a gentile house in Paris with a view of returning when his affairs should be adjusted but when the time of his departure approached he began to be uneasy at the prospect of separation and in order to alleviate his anxiety desired me to accompany him to Calais where we stayed together three or four days during which the dread of parting became more and more intense so that we determined upon my following him into England at the first opportunity where I should live altogether in cog that I might be concealed from the inquiries and attempts of my Lord even after this resolution was fixed we parted with all the agonies of lovers who despair of ever meeting again and the wind blowing very high after he had embarked increased my fears but by the return of the packet boat I was blessed with the report of his being safe arrived in England and had the satisfaction of perusing his letters by every post My admirer being thus detached from me my thoughts were entirely employed in concerting some private method of conveying myself to him as I would not trust myself in the common packet for fear of being discovered after having revolved diverse schemes I determined to transport myself in one of the Dutch fishing boats though I knew the passage would be hazardous but in a case of such interesting concern I overlooked all danger and inconvenience before I put this resolution in practice I was so fortunate as to hear of a small English vessel that arrived in Calais without prisoner of war in which I embarked with my companion and another lady who lived with me for some time afterwards and when we came on board discovered that the ship was no other than a light collier and that her whole company amounted to no more than three men nevertheless though the sea was so rough and the weather so unpromising that no other boat would venture to put to sea we set sail and between two storms in about three hours arrived in safety in Dover By man's my first companion went to her friends and the stage coach while the other lady and I hired an open post chase though it snowed very hard and without any accident performed our journey to London where I met with my lover who flew to my arms in all the transports of impatient joy and doubtless I deserved his affection for the hardships perils and difficulties I had undergone to be with him for I never scrupled to undertake anything practicable in order to demonstrate the sincerity of what I professed in consequence of our plan I assumed a fictitious name and never appeared in public being fully satisfied and happy in the company and conversation of the man I loved and when he went into the country contented myself with his correspondence which he punctually maintained in a series of letters equally sensible sincere and affectionate a pen is returned to town for the remainder of the season he devoted the greatest part of his time to our mutual enjoyment left me with reluctance when he was called away by indispensable business and the civility which was due to his acquaintance and very seldom went to any place of public entertainment because I could not accompany and share with him in the diversion nay so much did I engross his attention that one evening after he had been teased into an agreement of meeting some friends at a play he went there precisely at the appointed hour and as they did not arrive punctually at the very minute he returned to me immediately as much rejoiced at his escape as if he had met with some signal deliverance nor was his constancy inferior to the order of his love we went once together to a ball in the hay market where in the midst of a thousand fine women whose charms were enhanced by the peculiarity of the dresses they wore he remained unshaken unseduced preserving his attachment for me in spite of all temptation in the summer he provided me with a house in the neighborhood of his own but the accommodations being bad and that country affording no other place fit for my residence he brought me home to his own seat and by that step raised such a universal clamor though I saw no company and led such a solitary life that nothing but excessive love could have supported my spirits not but that he gave me as much of his time as he could possibly spare from the necessary duties of paying and receiving visits together with the avocations of hunting and other country amusements which I could not partake formally indeed I used to hunt and shoot but I had left off both so that I was now reduced to the alternative of reading and walking by myself but love made up for all deficiencies to me who think nothing else worth the living for had I been blessed with a partner for life who could have loved sincerely and inspired me with a mutual flame I would have asked no more of fate interest and ambition have no share in my composition love which is pleasure or pleasure which is love makes up the whole a heart so disposed cannot be devoid of other good qualities that must be subject to the impressions of humanity and benevolence and enemy to nothing but itself this you will give me leave to affirm injustice to myself as I have frankly owned my failings and misconduct towards the end of summer my heart was a little alarmed by a report that prevailed of my lovers being actually engaged in a treaty of marriage however I gave little credit to this rumor till I was obliged to go to town about business and there I heard the same information confidently affirmed though I still considered it as a vague surmise I wrote to him an account of what I had heard and in his answer which is still in my possession he assured me with repeated vows and protestations that the report was altogether false satisfied with this declaration I returned to his house and though the tale was incessantly thundered in my ears still believed it void of all foundation till my suspicion was awakened by a very inconsiderable circumstance one day on his return from hunting I perceived he had a very fine pair of Dresden ruffles on his shirt which I could not suppose he would wear at such a rustic exercise and therefore my fears took the alarm when I questioned him about this particular of his dress his color changed and though he attempted to elude my suspicion by imputing it to a mistake of his servant I could not rest satisfied with this account of the matter but inquired into the truth with such eagerness and penetration that he could not deny he had been to make a visit by degrees I even extorted from him a confession that he had engaged himself further than he ought to have proceeded without making me acquainted with his design though he endeavored to excuse his conduct and pacify my displeasure by saying that the affair would not be brought to bear for a great while and perhaps might never come to a determination but he was in great confusion and indeed hardly knew what he said I would have quitted his house that moment had not he beforehand obtained a promise that I would take no rash resolution of that kind and put it out of my power to procure any method of conveyance by which I could make my retreat I gave no vent to reproaches but only upgraded him with his having permitted me to return in ignorance to the country after I was once fairly gone upon which he swore that he could not bear the thought supporting with me this declaration was a mystery at that time but I have been since so fully satisfied of his reasons for his conduct that I hardly acquit him of all injustice to me and indeed it is my sincere opinion that if ever young man deserved to be happy he is certainly entitled to that privilege and if I may be allowed to judge has a heart susceptible of the most refined enjoyment the violence of the grief and consternation which I suffered from this stroke having a little subsided I deliberated with myself about the measures I should take and determined to leave his house someday when he should be abroad I was encouraged in this resolution by the advice of our scotch friend who came about this time from London on a visit to his fellow traveler we thought such an abrupt departure would be less shocking than to stay and take a formal leave of my lover whose heart was of such a delicate frame that after I told him I should one day withdraw myself in his absence he never came home from the chase or any other application without trembling with apprehension that I had escaped after he had been some time accustomed to these fears by my previous intimation I had linked the camp in good earnest though my heart ached upon the occasion because I left him loving and beloved for his affection was evident notwithstanding the step he had taken by the advice and importunity of all his relations who laid a disagreeable restraint upon his inclinations while they consulted his interests in every other particular while I halted in the next great town until I could be supplied with fresh horses I was visited by a gentleman who had been formally intimate with my lover but a breach had happened in their friendship and he now came to complain of the treatment he had received perceiving that I was not in a humor to listen to his story he shifted the conversation to my own and observed that I had been extremely ill-used I told him that I was of a different opinion that it was not only just but expedient that a young man of Mr. Blank's fortune should think of making some alliance to strengthen and support the interest of his family and that I had nothing to accuse him of but his letting me remain so long in ignorance of his intention he then gave me to understand that I was still ignorant of a great part of the ill usage I had received affirming that while I lived in his house he had amused himself with all the common women in that town to some of whom this gentleman had personally introduced him at first I could not believe this imputation but he supported his assertion with so many convincing circumstances that I could no longer doubt the truth of them and I felt so much resentment that my love vanished immediately into air instead of proceeding on my journey to London I went back a considerable way and sent a message desiring to see him in a little house about midway between his own habitation and the town from whence I came he obeyed my summons and appeared at the place appointed where I approached him with great bitterness he pleaded guilty to the charge so far as acknowledging that he had corresponded with other women lately in order to get the better of his affection for me but the experiment had failed and he found that he should be forever miserable I did not look upon this candid confession as a sufficient atonement for his past dissimulation and in the sharpness of my revenge demanded a settlement which he peremptorily refused so that for the present we held each other in the utmost contempt indeed I afterwards despised myself for my condescension which was owing to the advice of my companion supported and inflamed by the spirit of resentment nevertheless he begged that I would return to his house or stay all night where I was but I was deaf to his entreaties and after a great deal of ironical civility on my side I took my leave and went away yet before I set out I looked back and saw him on horseback with such an air of simplicity and truth as called up a profound sigh notwithstanding all that had passed in our conversation upon my arrival in London I took lodgings and luster fields and answered a letter which I had some months before received from my Lord telling him that I would go home to him without stipulating for any terms to try would affect my confidence would have upon his generosity he readily embraced the offer and took a house in St. James's street where I proposed to comply with his humor and everything that was consistent with my own peace and tranquility meanwhile my lover passed his time very disagreeably in the country with his friend of whom it seems he had conceived some jealousy which was increased by a letter I wrote to that gentleman till he was made acquainted with the contents which he read over 40 times and then his passion breaking out with more violence than ever he not only expressed his feeling in an epistle which I immediately received but when he came to town suffered such agonies of despair as I had never seen before except in Lord B it was then in my power to have taken ample revenge upon him as well as upon my insolent rival who had insisted upon my leaving his house in a very abrupt manner though he absolutely refused to gratify her malice for he was now disposed to do anything for my satisfaction but I knew his worth and had too much regard for his reputation to advise him to acting consistent with his honor about this time many tender feelings and sorrowful partings happened between us till the marriage knot was tied when he sent me up banknote for a thousand pounds by way of specimen as he called it of his friendship and of what he would do for me should I ever want his assistance this mark of his generosity I received in a most tender belay which I shall never part with together with his picture set in diamonds I now employed my thoughts in keeping measures with my Lord we lay in the same apartment and for the first four or five months I neither dined nor slept abroad above twice and then he knew where I was and approved of my company but all this complacency and circumspection had no effect upon his temper which remained as capricious and dissatisfied as ever nay to such a provoking degree to this unhappy humor prevail that one day in the presence of his lawyer he rang upon my misconduct since our last reunion and very freely affirmed that every step I had taken was diametrically opposite to his will conscious of the pains I had been apt to please him I was so incensed at these unjust invectives that starting up I told him he was a little dirty fellow and would have left the house immediately had not his lawyer and others who were in the room interposed and by dint of argument and importunity diverted me from my purpose by the by I have been informed by a person of rank that my Lord discovered exactly the same disposition in his father's lifetime and only changed the subject of his complaint from the word father to that of wife indeed he takes all opportunities of plaguing my dear parent as he has just sagacity enough to know that this is the most effectual where he can take to distress me after repeated trials I have given up all hopes of making him happy or of finding myself easy in my situation and live with him at present to avoid a greater inconvenience not that his ill nature is all the grievance of which I complain exclusive of the personal disgust I entertain for him his folly is of that species which disobliges rather than diverts and his vanity and affectation altogether intolerable for he actually believes himself or at least would impose himself upon mankind as a pattern of gallantry and taste and in point of business a person of infinite sagacity and penetration but the most ridiculous part of his character is his pretended talent for politics in which he so deeply concerns himself that he has dismissed many a good servant because he suspected him of having wrong connections a theme upon which he has often quarreled with me even almost departing accusing me with holding correspondence with the urls of B and C and Mr. H. B. though I never had the least acquaintance with any of these gentlemen except the Earl of C to whom I have not spoken these 10 years past in short I have often been at a loss to know whether he was more mad and malicious in those fits of enthusiasm wherein he seemed transported with zeal for the commonwealth and tormented me with his admonitions out of all temper and patience at length however I contrived an expedient which freed me from these troublesome expostulations and silenced him if actually on the score of politics this was no other than an open avalan being connected with all those people whom I have named indeed I knew him too well to believe there was anything solid in his intention or professions even when he carried himself so far as to demand a private audience of decay in order to communicate a scheme for suppressing the rebellion and that being denied solicited the Duke of D's interest for permission to raise and had a regiment of cantish smugglers nay to such a pitch did his loyalty soar that he purchased a farlock of particular mechanism calculated for the safety of the bearer in case he had been placed sentinel at his majesty's door and kept his horses ready carapacened with a view of attending his sovereign to the field notwithstanding all these pompous preparations had he been put to the proof he would have infallibly crept out of his engagements through some sneaking evasion his imagination being very fertile in such saving pretenses yet he will talk sometimes so fervently and even sensibly on the subject that a stranger would mistake him for a man of understanding and determines zeal for the good of his country since my last return to his house that act of parliament passed by which he was unable to pay his debts and among the rest a thousand pounds of my contracting the only burden of that kind I ever entailed upon him exclusive of my pin money which was never regularly paid nor would he have been subject to this had he not by his persecution and pursuit exposed me to an extraordinary expense I've also had it in my power to reward some of my faithful Abigail's in particular to relieve from extreme distress that made to whom as I've already observed Lord B granted an annuity which she had sold so that she was reduced to the most abject poverty and I found her in a dismal hole with two infants perishing for one a spectacle which drew tears from my eyes and indeed could not but make deep impression upon a heart like mine which the misery of my fellow creatures never failed to melt nor did I upon this occasion forget the attachment and fidelity of my other woman Mrs. S who hearing I was robbed in my passage through Flanders had generously relinquished the allowance I had settled upon her at parting the exercise of such acts of humanity and benevolence and the pleasure of seeing my dear and tender parent often in some measure alleviate the chagrin to which I am subject from the disagreeable disposition of my Lord who consistent with his former inconsistency upon our last reconciliation cheerfully agreed to a proposal I made of having concerts in the house and even approved of the scheme with marks of particular satisfaction but before one half of the winter was expired he found means to banish all the company beginning with Lord R B who as he walked upstairs one evening was stopped by a footman who plainly told him he had orders to say to him in particular that his lordship was not at home yet the very next day perceiving that nobleman and me walking together in the park he joins us with an air of alacrity as if no such thing had happened and even behave to Lord R with the most fawning complacence his deportment was equally absurd and impertinent to the rest of his friends who for sick us gradually being tired of maintaining any friendly communication with such a disagreeable composition of ignorance and arrogance for my own part I look upon him as utterly incorrigible and his fate has subjected me to his power endeavor to make the bitter draft go down by detaching myself as much as possible from the supposition that there is any such existence upon earth indeed if I had not fatal experience to the contrary I should be apt to believe that such a character is not to be found among the sons of men because his conduct is altogether unaccountable by the known rules and maxims of life and falls entirely under the poet's observation when he says to his true no meaning puzzles more than wit her ladyship having thus concluded her story to the entertainment of the company and the admiration of Peregrine who expressed his astonishment at the variety of adventures she had undergone which was such as he thought sufficient to destroy the most hardy and robust constitution and therefore infinitely more than enough to overwhelm one of her delicate frame one of the gentlemen present roundly taxed her with wanted candor in suppressing some circumstances of her life which he thought essential in the consideration of her character she read in that this peremptory charge which had an evident effect upon the countenances of the whole audience when the accuser proceeded to explain his imputation by observing that in the course of her narration she had omitted to mention a thousand acts of uncommon charity of which he himself knew her to be guilty and that she concealed a great many advantages proposals of marriage which she might have accepted before she was engaged the company were greedily undecieved by this explanation which her ladyship acknowledged in very polite terms as a compliment equally genteel and unexpected and our hero after having testified the sense he had of her complacence and condescension in regaining him with a mark of her confidence and esteem took his leave and went home in a state of confusion and perplexity for from the circumstances of the tale he had heard he plainly perceived that her ladyship's heart was too delicate to receive such incense as he in the capacity of an admirer could at present pay because though he had in some measure abridged the empire of Amelia in his own breast it was not in his own power to restrain it so effectually but that it would interfere with any other sovereign whom his thoughts should adopt and unless Lady Blank could engross his whole love time and attention he foresaw that it would be impossible for him to support the passion which he might have the good fortune to inspire he was moreover deterred from declaring his love by the fate of her former admirers who seem to have been wound up to a degree of enthusiasm that looked more like the effect of enchantment than the inspiration of human attractions an ecstasy of passion which he durst not venture to undergo he therefore resolved to combat with the impressions he had already received and if possible cultivate her friendship without soliciting her affection but before he could fix upon this determination he desired to know the footing on which he stood in her opinion and by the intelligence of crab tree obtained in the usual manner understood that her sentiments of him were very favorable though without the least tincture of love he would have been transported with joy had her thoughts of him been of a more tender texture though his reason was better pleased with the information he received in consequence of which he mustered up the ideas of his first passion and set them in opposition to those of this new and dangerous attachment by which means he kept the balance in equilibrio and his bosom tolerably quiet end of chapter 81 the memoirs of a lady of quality part 17 this is the concluding part part 18 of peregrine pickle chapter 81 her ladyship having thus concluded her story to the entertainment of the company and the admiration of peregrine who expressed his astonishment at the variety of adventures she had undergone which was such as he thought sufficient to destroy the most hardy and robust constitution and therefore infinitely more than enough to overwhelm one of her delicate frame one of the gentlemen present roundly taxed her with want of candor in suppressing some circumstances of her life which he thought essential in the consideration of her character she readdened at this peremptory charge which had an evident effect upon the countenances of the whole audience when the accuser proceeded to explain his imputation by observing that in the course of her narration she had omitted to mention a thousand acts of uncommon charity of which he himself knew her to be guilty and that she had concealed a great many advantageous proposals of marriage which she might have accepted before she was engaged the company were agreeably undecieved by this explanation which her ladyship acknowledged in very polite terms as a compliment equally genteel and unexpected and our hero after having testified the sense he had of her complacence and condescension in regaling him with a mark of her confidence and esteem took his leave and went home in a state of confusion and perplexity for from the circumstances of the tale he had heard he plainly perceived that her ladyship's heart was too delicate to receive such incense as he in the capacity of an admirer could at present pay because though he had in some measure abridged the empire of Emilia in his own breast it was not in his power to restrain it so effectually but that it would interfere with any other sovereign whom his thoughts should adopt and unless lady could engross his whole love time and attention he foresaw that it would be impossible for him to support the passion which he might have the good fortune to inspire he was moreover deterred from declaring his love by the fate of her former admirers who seemed to have been wound up to a degree of enthusiasm that looked more like the effect of enchantment than the inspiration of human attractions an ecstasy of passion which he durst not venture to undergo he therefore resolved to combat with the impressions he had already received and if possible cultivate her friendship without soliciting her affection but before he could fix upon this determination he desired to know the footing on which he stood in her opinion and by the intelligence of Crabtree obtained in the usual manner understood that her sentiments of him were very favourable without the least tincture of love he would have been transported with joy had her thoughts of him been of a more tender texture though his reason was better pleased with the information he received in consequence of which he mustered up the ideas of his first passion and set them in opposition to those of this new and dangerous attachment by which means he kept the balance in equilibrio and his bosom tolerably quiet End of chapter 81