 The Columbia Broadcasting System presents a new comedy. My? Harry Wilson as Irma, and Kathy Lou as is Jane, with John Brown as Al, and life Erickson as Richard. Friendship, friendship, friendships have been forgotten. I believe that. That's why I live with my friend Irma. She's a sweet girl, and I love much, but she's, um... Well, as a famous philosopher once said, those who thirst for knowledge always get it. My friend Irma's been on the wagon for years. She was preparing dinner, and I said, Irma, honey, why are you putting both of those cabbages in the stew? And Irma said, you know the old saying, Jane, two heads are better than one. This should give you a rough idea of one of Irma's rough ideas. And it's little things like that which have made me what I am today, practically a nervous wreck. It's got stuff. So I resolve that nothing Irma can say or do today will get me riled, because Sunday is my birthday. And so today I'm just going to relax. I am in complete control of my emotions. And I was pretty proud of myself, because this morning, she started tampering with me earlier than usual by greeting me with, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday... Thank you, honey. I appreciate that. It's a nice thought, except for one small detail. What? Today does not happen to be my birthday. Oh, Jane, you just don't want to tell me how old you are. Happy birthday to you... Today is Friday. It is not my birthday. Now look at the calendar, honey. If you don't believe me, my birthday comes on Sunday. I don't have to look at calendars. I have an instinct in these matters. Irma, what do you think a calendar's for? Oh, to tell you to drink my insurance and how for a dollar down, you can get buried beautifully. Today is not my birthday. So if you don't trust me and you don't trust the calendar, trust Al, he gave it to us. I refuse to look at it. Why, Jane, you know the old saying, curiosity once killed a groundhog. Curiosity killed a cat. Gosh, it's getting to be a regular epidemic. Happy birthday to you. I'll agree to accept my birthday ahead of schedule if you'll just stop singing. Now that's more like it, Jane. And since it's your birthday, let me compliment you on how well preserved you are for 42. How'd you reach that figure? Well, life begins at 40 and when you met Richard, you said life was just beginning for you and since you've been working for him for two years, that makes you 42. Let me ask you something, though I really care. Why are you so intent on giving me a birthday today when Sunday really is? What's the point? Well, today must be your birthday. Otherwise, why would you get a telegram? Everybody knows you only get telegrams on your birthday. A telegram means a birthday. I don't know how long I can restrain myself and keep from yelling at her, but I am not going to break my promise. I'm going to save up all my yells. And tonight when it's dark, I'm going up on the roof and for a full hour, crouch there and bay at the moon. Irma, would it be asking too much for you to let me read my own telegram? Well, I'll give it to you tonight when you blow out the candles on the cake I'm going to bake for you. Honey, listen, it might be important. I'd like to see the telegram now. All right, Jane, but I don't see why you should be so impeccable. Impeccable. Now, where did you put the telegram? Now, let me see. Well, when the messenger gave it to me, I put it in my right hand. Then when I signed it, I put it in my left hand. Then when I was washing the dishes, I put it in my mouth and then I ate- Irma, you didn't. Oh, don't be silly, Jane. I wouldn't do that. I'm on a diet. Irma, where is the telegram? Where is it? Think, think, think. Thanks, Jane. I got it. It's on the sink. Oh, no. On top of all my troubles, you're developing a lisp. Here it is, Jane. I'll read it to you. No, thanks, honey. I'll read it. Happy birthday to you, signed father. Irma, this is going too far. I think it was sweet of him. Irma, my father did not send me this telegram but I know who did. You, and you signed it, father. Jane, don't be silly. How could I be a father? I'm not even married yet. Listen to me, Irma. Now, listen to me. I made a resolution that I would not let you make me angry today but I don't know if I can keep it and I'll tell you why. To start with, you sold me a birthday earlier than it really is. You are now trying to make me believe this telegram came from my father but you won't stop there. No, no, not you. You're going to arrange a surprise party for me. I'll bet you. You'll invite Al, Richard and the neighbors. I can't stop you but I want to tell you one thing when you finish planning everything, just remember this. I will not be present at a birthday party which is not on my birthday. Now, what do you say to that? Happy birthday, Jane. I meant to call you and tell you to bring Jane a present because today's her birthday. Oh, now, don't feel badly, chicken. Even if your hand reached me, I couldn't have afforded a present because my new deal just fell through. Oh, honey, that's all right, Al. I'll bake her a cake tonight and I'll say it came from both of us. It'll be my own special recipe. It's a three-layer cake. The first layer is cake and the second layer is icing and the third layer is wax. Chicken, what's the wax for? Well, it's a lot quicker than waiting for the candles to melt down. Oh, hi, Jane. Gee, I'm sorry I didn't bring you a present but I would like to wish you- Don't say it, Al. I've been through a lot today. You see, Irma thinks it's my birthday and it's not until Sunday, so look. Al, will you do me a favor and straighten her out? You know, after all, you're going to marry her someday and I think it's time you sat down and had a little talk with her. Do you mean like a man-to-man talk? Any kind of talk. You know what I mean, Al? Yeah, I got you, Jane. Will you come over in a corner a minute, chicken, and I'll either straighten you out. You know, chicken, there comes a time. Thanks, Al. You've helped me a lot. But, honey, I haven't said anything yet. I like it better that way. It's easier to remember. Look, Irma, someday you and I plan to go up to a man and he'll make us one. Oh, I like that, Al, because then we'll never fight. Why? Because it takes two to start an argument. You see what I mean? Chicken, with your permission, I'd like to call this whole thing off. Oh, but I just love having these intellectual discussions with you. But now getting back to Jane's prize party, which I'm arranging for tonight- But chicken, Jane says it's not her birthday. Oh, but, Al, she gave me the idea for the party. I remember her exact words. She said, go on. Your title arranges a prize party for me. See? Happy birthday, Julie. Now we stand as of now. Irma and I met, and I'm losing every round. She's got me on the ropes, and now she's preparing to deal the knockout blow because Richard has just entered the room, and Irma is waiting to greet him with, hello, Richard. You're just in time. Hello, girls. Al? Hey, what are you doing here? Having a party? You see, even Richard knows. Knows what? Irma means that you know that today is my birthday, and pretty soon she's going to ask you, why didn't you bring Jane a present? And you're going to be embarrassed and say, Well, I didn't know it was her birthday. And Al's going to say- Irma's right. And I'm going to say that- I'm not going to say anything. Because I promised myself I would not get angry. See, what's this all about? Can I see you a minute, Richard? Richard, far be it from me to say anything, but Jane's losing her memory and doesn't even know that today is her birthday. Really? Yes. So you'll have to handle it. Well, certainly I will, surely. What are you two mumbling about over there? What's Irma been telling you, Richard? You certainly don't believe her fantastic story about today being my birthday, do you? Oh, no, Jane, but happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Well, while Irma was in the kitchen doing I don't know what, I had the opportunity to be with Al and Richard alone and try and straighten out the situation. I was saying, you see, kids, today is not my birthday. But when Irma gets an idea in her head, there's nothing you can do to stop it. There's so much room to run around in. Hey, we all go out to dinner, huh? Forget the whole thing. I heard everything. They think I'm half baked, and I know they're not talking about the cake. Oh, I'm only trying to do the right thing and celebrate Jane's birthday. But they're all against me. But I know what I'm doing every second of the time, sometimes even oftener. I know what I'll do. I'll just lie down here like I fell and take this empty pot and crack it against the sink, and they'll think it's my head. OK, here goes. Take it easy. Put her on the couch. She can open up your eyes. Speak to me. This is Al. You're Al. Jane, Jane, I think she's unconscious. Oh, really, Richard? Are you sure? I don't know. Well, heavens, we've got to make sure. Oh, I know what I'll do. I'll get Dr. Miller to come upstairs. When he arrived, we all stood around breathlessly for his diagnosis. And finally, he said, well, Jane, I don't think there's anything to be alarmed about. There were no apparent bruises, so the worst it could be would be a slight concussion. Concussion of what? It's hard to say we've got so little to go on. And now, it's the sportsman portet with L Grundlachel and his orchestra and their novel arrangement of Sipping Cider. Sipping, zipping, zipping, zipping, ciders. kilometers pot, I ever saw a cell inside her in the grocery store at half past 6 when the sun was set. I used to go to see my pet sheet pull the shade and shut the door, shut the door, shut the door. We'd get some cider and a big dipping Tiders through a straw. I dipped her, then sip, then sip left. What we dipped the most, the coffee dipped so fast. That's all I want. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, Tiders. Sipping when first I saw her with a straw, said I to her. Say, are you sippin' tuppin'? Yeah. Sweet can be, sweet can be, sweet can be. But sippin' of the cider was the end. I dipped her, then sip, then sip left. But we dipped the most, the coffee dipped so fast. We dipped till a straw did flip. And then I dipped the cider from her lips. That's all I want, my mother-in-law. D dipped, dipped, dipped, Slurped up a cider throughout the day! Long! Well, Dr. Miller was in there in eternity examining poor Irma, poor little Irma who never thought of anything bad. I felt so helpless that anything like this should happen to Irma. She's such a sweet kid so understanding and so helpless herself. She hits the heart of standby and, you see, you're lying there like a frightened cocker spaniel. That's all you want, sweet home. Well, finally, Dr. Miller came out and I said, Dr., how is Irma? Tell me, is there anything serious? No, Jane, she fell down. But there's no sign of any injury. So I don't think we have anything to worry about. Oh, I can't accept that. Dr., Irma means too much to me. You see, I feel a great responsibility for her. And when I think of that poor kid lying there in pain, well, what can we do? There must be something. Why do people always say there must be something? I could ease your mind by taking a lot of X-rays. But I don't think the expenses warranted. She may have a slight concussion. So the only thing to do is not to excite her. Make her comfortable, humor her. Give her everything she wants, and let nature do the rest. Hello, son. Say, Miss Stacy, you wouldn't call me if I lost the cat in four years. Why did you open my can of ether? Mama couldn't sleep last night. It's working. Now they're all going to wait on me. I feel like queen for a day. Stepfather, make them believe I'm crazy by pretending I'm smart. James! Yes, darling. Yes. What is it? Can I do anything for you? Is there anything you want, anything at all? Now, don't get upset. What can I get for you? What? I'd like to read a little. Oh, sure, honey. I'm sorry. I didn't think of it first. A little strength you had yet to ask me. Never forgive myself. Here, darling, here are your favorite books. Here's your giant comics. Here's your Superman and Dick Tracy. If you want to idle away your time, here's your crayon book. You want to read those books? I want to read the Encyclopedia Britannica. Richard, she's delirious. Remember what the doctor said, you tumorist. Irma, darling, maybe I misunderstood you. I'll bend over so you can whisper it in my ear. Now, you save your strength, honey. Did you say the Encyclopedia Britannica? Yes, but tear the appendix out, Jane. Why? In my condition, I want a healthy book. The crisis is past. She sounded like the old Irma. I don't think so, and I'm scared. Irma would never ask for the Encyclopedia Britannica. I didn't even know she could pronounce it. I'm really frightened about all this, Richard. Well, now, wait a minute, Jane. Don't be upset. Well, I'll try something else. Irma, honey, listen. Shall I put on your Spike Jones record? Well, thank you, Jane, but maybe we'd all like to listen to the Philharmonic. That did it. Richard Irma has never been sicker in her life. Well, now, Jane, just relax, Jane. I'm not sure, but possibly the shock has brought on a hidden intellect that we never thought Irma possessed. Well, if it has, it's weird. It's unnatural, and I don't want any part of it for Irma. I love her the way she was. Simple and, well, you know the way Irma was. Chicken, this is our URL. Please snap out of it. If you do, I'll do anything. I'll even get myself a job. There, I said the word, and I feel tired already. But I'll do it, just during your convalescent period, of course. Oh, Richard, I can't stand it. I want the old Irma back, and I want the old Al back, who doesn't work. These changes are coming too fast for me. I'm not a well woman. I think we need somebody else to consult with besides Dr. Miller. I don't agree with you. I tell you, this kid, Merwin, is nothing. I'm not thinking of Merwin. You better not. The kid ain't even got a license. Oh, Al, will you stay out of this? Heaven's sakes. Richard, what do you suggest? Well, well, I've got an idea. I'll get our family physician, Dr. St. Clair Howard. He's the head of the staff of one of our biggest hospitals here in New York, and is a favor to me. Well, I'm sure he'd come right over and talk to Irma. Oh, that's wonderful. Call him right away, Richard. Who, stop? We don't need a doctor. My mind is just snap back to normal. No, darling, now, now, don't excite yourself. You just go along with me, huh? Janie knows what's best for you. But, Jane, I don't need a doctor. Well, I know you don't, dear, but it's a whim of Janie's. You know, do it for me, because I give up. Today is my birthday. And we were free people and Irma waiting for Dr. Howard's arrival. Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming down the hall, and I said, oh, thank goodness the doctors arrived. Richard, the door opened, and in came. What happened? What is this about Irma? Oh. Hello, Professor Kopotkin. Janie, what have they done to her? What terrible, tragic thing has happened to my little piece on you? Well, you see, Professor, Irma fell down and hit her head on the floor. This I know. But how did she hurt herself? Well, nobody seems to know. Dr. Miller thinks she might have a slight concussion as a result of the fall. But we're not taking any chances. We're calling in a specialist to treat her. What for a specialist? I, Kopotkin, will treat little Irma myself with my own private remedy, which never fails. That's very nice of you, Professor Kopotkin. But I think we'd better wait for Dr. Howard. Or what, to treat that little girl? To me, this is fascinatingly simple. What is wrong with Irma can be cured with one treatment. T. T-E-T. What a beautiful word. Cures everything. Well, Professor Kopotkin, we appreciate your help. But T is not the remedy for Irma. Jane, you don't seem to realize that a glass of T is symbolic of the whole universe. First, the T leaves on the bottom of the glass. That's the earth. Then the water, that's like the air over it. And floating on top, the lemon. That's the salt. Now, put in a dash of vodka, thunder lightning earthquake. Sure, well, we appreciate what you're trying to do, Professor. But, to be honest with you, if you've got no confidence, Kopotkin does not push. I'll drink the tea myself. Because already from this argument, I'm sick. Gee, that was nicer, Professor Kopotkin. But I think he's barking up the wrong T. I'm a tree toddler. Well, you just take it easy, honey. The doctor will be here soon. How are you feeling now, dear? Well, I'd feel much better if you didn't send for the doctor. Oh, well, don't worry. I bet you the doctor will tell us that there's nothing wrong with our little Irma, huh? Would that be nice? Jane, what if they found out I was faking? I might be, you know. You're sweet. You just don't want to worry me, do you? No, but I'm a little worried myself. There, that must be the doctor. And soon we'll know everything, won't we? Yeah, everything. Is this apartment 3B? Oh, yes, yes. Hello, Dr. Howard. I'm so glad you've come. May I present Jane Stacey? Hello. How do you do? And this is Al. Al, you know, I don't know your last name, Al. Nobody does. Just call me Al. And Dr, this is the patient, Irma. Oh, so this is the patient. How are we feeling? Well, I don't know about you, but I feel fine. So we fell down on our heads. Did we? Do you hear anything ringing? Of course not. But would you mind answering the phone? The phone isn't ringing. Well, no wonder I already answered it. Please, we're getting along fine. Now, Irma, has the ringing stopped? Yes. That's fine. Now somebody's knocking at the door. This is frightening. Will you all leave me alone with her? I think I know what the trouble is. Miss Stacey. Oh, Dr. Howard, is she? Miss Stacey, I'm going to be very honest. Don't spare me. I can take it. First, before I tell you, here's a prescription which contains a minor sedative to settle her nerves. Well, what's the real trouble, Doctor? What's wrong with Irma? I think your friend Irma is malingering. Malingering? Translated into the layman's language, Irma is faking. Well, that's impossible. But it's true, and that's my analysis. Richard, did you hear what he said? I can't believe it. Are you sure, Dr. Howard? Positive. But if you want consultation, I don't mind. In fact, I suggest that you call Dr. Miller. He's one of the best in his line. And I believe he lives in the neighborhood. Oh, he had him and his kid, and they didn't do any good. Anyway, that's my opinion, and I'd stake my medical reputation on it. This girl is faking. I knew it the minute I talked to her. They never fool me. Well, goodbye, and by the way, happy birthday to you, Miss Stacey. You heard what Dr. Howard said. Are you faking? Answer me, yes or no? Yes or no? Answers. Well, give me another question, and it will be even. Irma Peterson, I see it all. We've just been taken in by you. You're driving us all crazy. Why? Because today is your birthday, and I wanted to keep you here for your party. Oh, are you still on that birthday? Today is Friday. My birthday comes on Sunday. Look at the calendar. It says May 2nd is Sunday. Jane, today is May 2nd. What? Well, look at the calendar. It says Sunday is May 2nd. Oh, I forgot to tell you something about that calendar. It happens to be next year's calendar. What good is that, Al? Well, look, Jane, is it a crime to be ahead of your time? To you, Jane? All right, all right. Don't rub it in. I'm sorry, honey, and I apologize. I see now you only wanted to be nice and give me a party. I really don't deserve it. Yes, you do, Jane, and it's not too late to celebrate. Come on, we'll all go down to the Ritz and have a wonderful party. Oh, I'm all for it. I never felt better in my life. Some months and months become years almost before you realize it. Ten years from today isn't really very far away, and the savings bonds you buy now will reach their payment date before you know it. For every $3 you put into bonds today, four will be there when the bonds mature in ten years. It's the safest investment in the world. Maybe you're buying bonds through your bank or post office. Maybe you're buying them through the payroll savings plan where you work. Either way, they're the same bonds. The same high rate of interest prevails. The same bright promise for tomorrow is yours with every bond you purchase. Remember, time flies. That future you've always dreamed about and planned for will be here sooner than you think. Get ready to enjoy it. Make sure it's all you want it to be. Protect that future by buying savings bonds today. Remember, next week, instead of dialing your telephone to listen to your best friend, dial your radio to this same Columbia station same time to listen to... My friend, Irma. Starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane, with John Brown as Al, and life Erikson as Richard. PBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.